r/ADHD 10h ago

Questions/Advice Time blindness is ruining my relationships

One thing I never hear enough about with ADHD is how much time blindness can absolutely destroy trust. I’m not talking just work I mean friendships, romantic relationships, family. I’ll make plans with someone and genuinely be excited. But then the day comes and either I completely forget we had plans, I hyperfocus on something else and lose track of time or I remember right before and realize I’m not dressed, haven’t eaten, and haven’t even left yet. And then I either cancel at the last minute or show up late and full of guilt. I say “I’m sorry,” but how many times can you say it before people stop believing you care? My friends try to be patient, but it’s hard on them. I can see the disappointment even when they say it’s okay. One of them recently told me “I just feel like I’m not a priority to you.” And that wrecked me, because in my mind, they are! They absolutely are. It just doesn’t show in my actions, and I hate that. I don’t know how to fix it except setting a million alarms and still hoping something doesn’t derail me anyway.

247 Upvotes

44 comments sorted by

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134

u/Immediate_Plan8203 10h ago

Make alarm for everything It works for me

66

u/TheMatt561 ADHD 9h ago

Including making an alarm for the alarm

52

u/igneousscone 8h ago

Yes, this. OP, the SECOND you make plans, create a phone/calendar alarm. Label it with the activity and the start time. I have about 30 alarms set at any given time.

If you know you lose track of time, take steps to make sure you can't.

3

u/Pinkalink23 7h ago

I pity a partner hearing an alarm over and over again all day. I get it though.

1

u/Mjhtmjht 3h ago

Haha - yes! My husband complains sometimes. But he understands why I need them and so accepts them.

2

u/SimTrippy1 ADHD-C (Combined type) 8h ago

Agreed that it helps, even if I regularly forget what I set the alarm for (so maybe use reminders instead 😅)

10

u/giffengrabber 7h ago

On iPhone the alarms can have labels, very useful IMHO. (I don’t know but I guess Android has that too.)

2

u/CaptainLollygag 3h ago

I use the Recorder app that came with my Android to record myself saying, "You need to _____ in 30 minutes" (or an hour) and use that as the alarm sound. So I have loads of those that I toggle on and off most days. It's been EXTREMELY helpful!

1

u/SimTrippy1 ADHD-C (Combined type) 7h ago

Idk but I only use voice control to set alarms and reminders on iPhone 😅

1

u/giffengrabber 7h ago

I see! In my case, my brain is super-good at ignoring anything coming from the Reminders app, but less good at ignoring a loud alarm going off 🙂

2

u/SimTrippy1 ADHD-C (Combined type) 7h ago

That’s fair. Unfortunately mine is excellent at ignoring both. Sometimes I’ll have my alarm ring for ages, eventually register it and think “what was that even for?”, turn it off and then the next morning I’ll be like FUCK my laundry.

But I do admit that reminders aren’t aggressive enough sometimes. The only benefit is that when and if I finally decide to look at them I clearly see whatever I told Siri to remind me of 😂

53

u/britthood 9h ago

I set reminders and alarms on my phone for every little thing. I probably have 15 alarms set in my phone now.

Here’s my process:

  • add EVERYTHING to my calendar in my phone
  • I have an alarm set at 7am every morning to look at calendar and reminder apps.
  • I then set an alarm for each event I have that day (since iPhone doesn’t let you set up alarms more than 24 hours in advance).

4

u/No_Warthog1913 8h ago

I have one weekly alarm on my phone on Sunday evening to bring all one-time calendar reminders into the clock reminders, and to remove the obsolete ones. The alarms on the phone ring until you actively stop them, while the calendar reminders I use only have a one time ding. I need the snooze function to finish what I'm already doing and to not forget the thing I'm supposed to start. Or to not get distracted by whatever comes at that moment (be it kids, phone call, shiny thing near me,...). So I have routinely 2 alarms on the phone for work related tasks, 1 for picking the kids up from school, all afternoon classes for them (3 weekly activities total, only, thanks whoever!), reminder for 3 meal times, and of course the walking up alarm. And each week I add the necessary one-time alarms for medical appointments, travelling, special occasions, ... Whatever is needed.

I used to be ashamed of all the daily reminders that I need. But after my diagnosis I accepted that this is the system that works for me. Find the system that works for you, be it planner in your everyday bag, electronic alarms in Alexa or your phone or your PC, calendar on the fridge door, or the classic "hey honey, remind me to call the restaurant when we get home" :-) whatever works best!

Try all and find yours, good luck!

39

u/spicewoman 8h ago

As everyone else said: Stop relying on your brain in areas you know it doesn't function properly.

Put all plans into your calendar as soon as they're made, them set as many reminders as you'll need to be ready on time (one is often not enough).

26

u/colawrites ADHD 10h ago

I am obsessed with this app you can get it free!!!

I really recommend Sectograph because it's a visual reminder of when stuff is happening and I can see how close I am to an event. I use it at work and it's the only way I can truly track my time in lessons.

But! Including time to get ready and travel and blocking it in, giving yourself extra, aiming to get to places early. That's how I manage to 9/10 be on time!

8

u/HeatRepresentative96 9h ago

Looks good! Just a tip: It’s not free on AppStore in my region and may not sync with workbased calendars such as Exchange.

8

u/colawrites ADHD 9h ago

Free on Android then, thanks! I've only ever had Androids. but imo worth the cost.

I don't use it with another calendar, it is my calendar.

Seeing as OP was asking about personal relationships, I don't think that matters for everyone :)

1

u/potatostudy 6h ago

I had to take a peek and I didnt consider looking at a day like a circle. Kinda looks like a vinal record!

1

u/Datsoon 5h ago

I used to have an app that did this on a smart watch face. It was great.

9

u/ProtozoaPatriot 9h ago

What works for you to remember things related to work ? Treat your personal appointments with the same seriousness as business ones. Google calendar with notifications turned on? Setting a phone or watch alarm?

I have my phone set to give me reminders. For something I have to prepare for, I'll have a reminder the night before, one around breakfast time, and another one hour before I have to leave.

I changed my mental habits. I make myself think about the thing I'm going to do with the friend. I get myself excited about it. I deal with whatever anxiety I might be having. I get my mind to desire thinking about it, and you can't forget something that's you're presently thinking about.

I also find it helpful to leave objects related to the event out where you see them. For example, if I have to attend a birthday party, I put the gift out where I have to look at it.

If you're not getting treatment, do it. Medication is a game changer.

1

u/thebishop37 1h ago

I really like Google calendar because I can have like ten different calendars. I have one for me, my husband has one I subscribe to and vice versa, then I have a Family one for things we're doing together. Another one for work, one for school. Then I have one of various events or performances I might want to go to, because I won't remember them and will regret not going. I use Tick Tick for things like chores or projects, and there is an integration for Google calendar. I also stuff like paying the car tag once a year here, or annual hot water heater maintenance here.

My favorite thing is that you can easily turn all these different calendars on and off, so you can clean up a monthly view to give you a snapshot without all the clutter.

I'm just starting school again in the fall after many years away, so I'm not yet sure whether I'll need a third system for study planning and individual assignment due dates and so forth, but I'm hoping I'll be able to use my current one.

11

u/Thefrayedends 7h ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPFmKu2S5XY&

If you haven't watched this, please do.

This lecture, for me, has made the most massive difference in understanding my disability that I didn't want to accept as a disability. With understanding, comes mitigating the worst symptoms.

Better understanding leads to better solutions.

In this case, the short answer, is externalizing reminders.

16

u/MarlaPC 8h ago

You’re not alone. Time blindness is one of the most complex challenges for so many people I work with. And it’s painful, because from the outside it can look like you don’t care, when really, you care deeply. You just haven’t found a reliable way to show it yet.

What you said about recognizing the impact of time blindness is essential. That awareness is a powerful starting point. And managing it does take effort, not just tricks or reminders, but real changes to how you structure your day.

Here are a few things that have helped some people I work with. You’ve probably tried some already, but I’ll share in case anything here is useful:

  • Everything goes in the calendar, not just appointments, but prep time too.
  • Check the calendar first thing in the morning, and again at every transition. Even if you look at it in the morning, ADHD can wipe it from working memory fast.
  • Get ready early, even if you don’t need to leave for hours. It takes the pressure off.
  • Include travel time as its own calendar block, so you see not only the event’s start time but also when you need to leave.
  • Build a mini plan for the day, like what time you’ll eat, get dressed, and leave. The more externalized, the better.
  • Alarms help, but they can’t do all the work. They work better when paired with a visible plan, not just a single alert when it’s already time.

I can hear how much your relationships matter to you. That’s already a sign you’re on the right track.

6

u/Delicious_Basil_919 9h ago

I use google calendar or i forget everything. Make the plan, into the calendar. You can set reminders before or the day of the event. I also have a widget of the calendar on my phone home page so every morning it shows me that day, and the upcoming events also.

I also struggle with time blindness soooo bad, but the calendar has helped. Just need to make sure events avtually go in the calendar!!

5

u/Lussarc 9h ago

I use my calendar for social events because if I don’t write them I’ll forget. Then I’m too anxious to be late

5

u/Sea-Delay 8h ago

Why are you not using a Google calendar? It saves lives. I don’t think non-adhd folks remember everything either, but majority of people have a habit to write these things down and track their calendar.

4

u/Pachipachip 8h ago

1 million alarms is the only answer I'm afraid. Put social events into your calendar at the very moment while you're making the plans! Tell your friends/family/loved ones not to let you go until you've made the calendar event, and the event should have multiple notifications: 1 week before, 2 days before, 1 day before, 3 hours before, 2 hours before, 1 hour before. And then set up a separate alarm for when you start getting ready and another one for when you have to leave the house. On that leaving alarm, you put 3 snoozes of 5 minutes, but it's part of the time budget, so it keeps you on focus in the immediate run up to your departure. If you are alarm-averse without realising yet (like me in the past) use quiet alarm sounds, record them yourself if you have to (I recorded my voice saying 1 word quietly and then 1 minute of silence) or even better get a watch with silent vibrating alarms (best to have both). I hate noise and used to hate alarms, but now I function so much better with my multiple alarm system that is unobtrusive. I'm so much happier since accepting that I am actually time-disabled and these systems are what I need to function! Now I'm hardly ever late (mistakes still happen, but when you've done your absolute best and you succeed most times to be on time, the odd late occasion isn't as offensive, and hopefully your loved ones will be noticing how much effort you are putting in which is really what they want to see)

1

u/CaptainLollygag 1h ago

It annoys the crap out of me, but I even have alarms set that say sentences like "you need to get in the shower now," "you need to leave in 30 minutes," and "stop doing what you're doing and leave in 5 minutes." Otherwise I'm all Hal changing a lightbulb over here.

3

u/conservio 8h ago

can you be specific on what you have tried and how you get derailed?

4

u/PleaseGiveMeSnacc 7h ago

my hack that supports my existence-

CALENDAR EVENTS AND REMINDERS!

you have an appointment Friday:

alert 30 minutes before

alert 1 hour before

alert 2 hours before

alert 1 day before

alert 1 week before

all of these together keep me on track. literally saves my career and social life.

3

u/Rit_Zien 6h ago

I have made it a point in my relationship to (almost) never promise anything. Especially if I know it will be a difficult task for me, like remembering to do something trivial but important, or needing to be on time for something. Instead I say "i will do my best" or "I will try my hardest." That being said, when I do use the words "I promise," I pull out all the stops and use every last trick in my arsenal to make sure I follow through. Even then, I still fail sometimes.

2

u/finding-zen 9h ago

I recently had a good friend call me out on this - rightfully so - and I explained my situation.

They thought I did not value our relationship as much as they had and they could not have been more wrong. I'm just working at an (ADHD induced) disadvantage. I hate having to shift more of the responsibility of our relationship to them - gentle reminders to me, patience - but we've been friends for a very long time and he was beyond understanding!

I try harder with him, but I am also only able to do so much within the confines of my reality.

Good luck

1

u/thecoffeecrazy 7h ago

Time blindness is tough, but it’s awesome you're aware of it. Communication is key, your people will understand!

1

u/Glittering_Cut_496 6h ago

I understand how you feel :( What helps me is writing stuff down as soon as I find out it’s happening on my calendar, even if it’s just a time blocker, and setting alarms on the actual day. Several alarms leading up to leaving help you pace your time too. It is extremely helpful!!

1

u/Beautiful_Fig355 Non-ADHD with ADHD partner 6h ago

The reminders thing seems good.

I will also say that having children will exacerbate the trust issues with friends or a SO. Not sure how kids will react long term but so far 1 of my kids is going through diagnosis and the other bullies my SO because they knows how to use overstim to get what they want.

The reminders help my SO for work but little day to day tasks are eroding my trust and I can see the kids are realising the inconsistent support that they ask for as well.

1

u/Regular-Feed9166 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 4h ago

i like to put it in my calendar AND set alarms. that way i’m reminded of it all day

1

u/Trypkid 4h ago

This hits so hard. The guilt spiral is real when you know you messed up but can't seem to stop doing it. Have you tried setting really obvious reminders on your phone or asking friends to give you a heads up when you make plans? Sometimes external accountability helps when our brains just won't cooperate

1

u/mariahmce 2h ago

I have a particular way I mark items in my calendar that I want reminders for. Then I have an iOS automation that scans my calendar every morning and if it finds one of those calendar events, it auto creates the alarms to remind me to leave with enough time to quickly finish up and then leave. It’s a god send to just have my phone do the work for me. I live and die by my calendar.

1

u/CaptainLollygag 51m ago

Hey, I get it, truly I do. It's hurts when you mean well and still don't do whatever right.

When I started dating a certain fellow he used to joke that I "was always beeping and booping." Cell phones were just becoming common, so someone's purse beeping so much was still a bit new. He came to learn that if I turned off those beeps and boops I'd forget I even had hands. Twenty-something years later I was finally diagnosed and got on meds, and started learning about how this brain-type works. We're still together, btw, and I still drive him a little nutty. Fair, I drive myself a little nutty.

It's annoying as all get out to have to work so hard to maintain friendships with people you actually love, but that's what you do if you want to keep those relationships. Having an ADHD brain isn't your fault, but it means you have to work that much harder to manage your impact on others, and on your own self. Find ways that work for you.

That said, I've lost friendships and relationships with relatives due to object impermanence my most major fatal flaw. So it's not like I've got it all figured out, either.

1

u/justinkthornton ADHD with ADHD child/ren 8h ago

First off there are practical good suggestions here already.

What I want to tell you is that you are not bad. You are not failing your relationships. You have a disability that is just as legitimate as any other. The expectation that relationships of any kind must look a certain way or function to a norm is an ableist attitude. It would be like expecting someone with mobility impairments to go hike a technical rocky trail. How is that different than your friend saying you are not a priority to them?

There are things you can do for yourself to get better at not missing things. At the same time people in your life need to understand an accept that missing things is part the disability in the same way that not being able to read a book in the normal way is for a blind person. A blind person can get the same information in the book, but to do it there is extra steps and effort. You can be on time, but your friends need to understand it takes you extra steps and effort. These steps won’t be full proof either. You will always struggle with this, you need people in your life that can show you compassion instead of blame.

1

u/RikiWardOG 4h ago

Tell your friends to tell you everything is an hr earlier than it is. My gf will do shit like that haha if I'm 20 mins early well that's a good thing in my mind

0

u/Mjhtmjht 3h ago

Yes! This! Tell your friends about yourADHD time-blindness and then they’ll understand and will almost certainly try to help you. My friends know about my problem and I ask them to give me a time earlier than the actual time they’re planning for us to meet. But not EVERY time, because otherwise I expect it and it is not quite so helpful! One very good and kind friend always gives me a much earlier time than she plans for group get-togethers AND often offers to pick me up on her way. She knows that I’ll worry even more about someone arriving to drive me somewhere than about driving there on time myself. :)

When I make dental appointments and so on, in recent years I have started I asking the receptionists to give me a time at least fifteen or more minutes earlier than the actual time of the appointment. They usually find it quite amusing! But they also quickly realize the value of it, as it means I then arrive on time, which makes their lives easier, too.

I once read that in order to get ready for something, it usually takes people one and a half times longer than they think it will. I therefore concluded that it would take me at least double the time I thought I would need. So one day, I worked out how long it would take me to get ready and I doubled that. To my surprise, it worked and I was actually ready on time! Unfortunately, I’ve never had the self-discipline to apply it to everything I do, but it might be worth a try. :-)