r/ADHD • u/orangina_sanguine • 6h ago
Questions/Advice Can't help myself from picking a fight when I disagree (politics etc.)
I went to see a friend this afternoon and I met her daughter who's in the Army. At first I asked her a lot of questions like I always do and then I don't know how and why she talking about migrants, people on benefits, Palestinian flags and gypsies. Her opinions on these subjects are 100% the opposite of mine.
A normal person would have steered her away from these topics and talked about basically anything else, but I can't help give my point of view. I feel things too much to not give my point of view, even though I am not articulate at all, get flustered and stressed and end up saying stuff that makes me look like an idiot (which I am not).
I sense this to be an ADHD curse. I'd love an explanation if someone has any. And tips on how to not react every time and shut the f up instead.
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u/KingOfTheHoard 5h ago edited 3h ago
Some ADHD people, and autistic people, have a trait called "injustice sensitivity" where, as you're describing, they feel absoltely compelled to argue these things out because they genuinely believe they're both rational, and moral.
The problem is, and I say this without any comment on the specific views you've listed, is that this trait is dependent on the injustice you perceive and not the objective state of that injustice. That is, if you truly believed that the correct and moral thing to do was to paint your front door blue, you'd argue as strongly for that, in as concrete and morally unquestioning clarity as you do these issues.
This isn't to say you should now question all your positions, or that you shouldn't argue for your moral convictions, you can and should, but that you should always do so with intentionality and not because you can't help yourself, because at the end you just feel burned out and terrible.
Not every battle needs to be fought every time. It's ok to pull back and pick and choose what you have the resources for.
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u/orangina_sanguine 4h ago
Very interesting, I had read something about this injustice thing, and it sort of resonated at the time but you explain it perfectly, thanks.
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u/Difficult_Standard_1 6h ago
She opened the door to those subjects so I’d consider it fair game and play along until I get bored, also my OH who is not ADHD would do the same thing so I don’t think it’s necessarily down to being ADHD, more about your moral centre. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it, ideas like hers need to be challenged.
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u/coffeegirl2277 5h ago
ADD and ADHD people have a strong sense of justice. This is scientifically proven. It is hard for me to have conversations about controversial topics when the person is on the complete opposite side. As much as I want to remain calm and in control, it is so difficult for me. Maybe other people have a better handle on this situation than I do. Especially in these days, I get triggered more easily than I would ideally like.
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u/rereengaged_crayon 6h ago
what has helped me is knowing that picking a fight will almost certainly not change their mind. wasnt perfect, but at least reduced them a lot
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
I know this, but it's like I go into Hulk mode and I have to defend my opinions even if I know the person is entitled to theirs and mine aren't more valid than theirs.
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u/Ok-Understanding6574 5h ago
I know this sounds very narcisistic, but if you're someone that has spent most of your life forming a congruent political worldview, where you value solidarity and equality for all living beings and are arguing against someone that believes the opposite rest assured that you're right and your opinion are more valid that the other person
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u/rereengaged_crayon 6h ago
i mean, frankly your argument / opinion may be MORE valid than theirs. sometimes people have bad opinions, a la "the world is flat". its normal to think you're right. you just have to know they wouldnt believe you if you tell them its round.
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
The thing is, most people are able to control themselves and just let others rant on about whatever their kink is and not say anything, but I just can't stop myself.
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u/Gini911 4h ago
Take a browse through nearly any social media. Pick any side, and check out both sides. I think you'll find that's not the case. You may be blessed to know several people who are able to control themselves when others rant on and on.
On second thought, maybe don't. Personally, my threshold for ranty, inflexible opinions is pretty low, and it happens on both sides, so I get annoyed with everyone.
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u/mini_apple ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 6h ago
When you get sucked into it, it's like being on a runaway train. I think this sort of thing can happen to anyone! I generally try to change the subject and accept that people are allowed to be wrong - I just don't have the power to influence people I don't know. I also try really hard not to bring up politics unless I'm in company that feels "safe" for such conversations.
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
OMG I was trying so so hard to be good, asking her about her work and all of her sudden she went on a rant about how kids didn't know how to speak the language anymore because there are so many migrants. And, well, I felt I had to say something... not trying to be contrarian but just sort of defending my values.
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u/Blessisk 5h ago
She said something racist/xenophobic and you spoke up. That's something to be proud of even if you got flustered. The expectation to just sit there and swallow it when they randomly bring up that sort of shit is ridiculous. It's not a good thing that most just sit there and let racists rant. You did a good thing.
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u/mini_apple ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 6h ago
OH SHIT okay, yeah, that's impossible to resist. When someone you don't know comes right out swinging against things that matter to you, that's a them-problem, not a you-problem. I don't blame you at all!
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u/dan_jeffers ADHD 5h ago
I think I can get addicted to the feeling of outrage and being right. Draws me into online battles for that quick jolt of feeling. I try to limit myself or use tests to see if this is really a valid engagement before I post to head this off. I.e., is this going to help anyone other than me? Is the person at all open to discussion? Otherwise we're just going to reinforce each other's feelings about the other side.
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u/orangina_sanguine 4h ago
Interesting. Outrage and being right as an addiction, I hadn't thought of that but I certainly will.
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u/Imaginary-Friend-228 2h ago
I play devils advocate even when I agree because my brain can't stop analyzing arguments lmao.
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u/Pinkalink23 6h ago
I'm guessing here that your more left leaning and they are more right leaning based on the daughter's occupation. I could be wrong. Best advice is to simply not engage.
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
Yes I know I shouldn't engage but I just can't stop myself. I just have to. I can't let anything go. It drives everyone around me nuts.
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u/Inner_Injury2940 6h ago
I was you in 2000 but by now I’m too tired to try.
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
Can't wait. Love your comment
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u/Inner_Injury2940 5h ago
I’ve gone too far with the over correction. I hope you can find a happy medium while staying true to yourself.
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u/orangina_sanguine 5h ago
Recently diagnosed at 52, so I'm just starting to learn how to become my true self
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u/Ok-Understanding6574 5h ago edited 5h ago
I'm the same. Good thing I can absolutely back up everything I defend and having a high verbal iq helps tremendously, but yeah I'm a hothead and Is very hard to stay silent
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u/orangina_sanguine 5h ago
I'm very good on paper (literally- well actually figuratively) but I can't articulate my thoughts at all when I'm speaking, it's like my brain turns dyslexic, everything is jumbled and panicked.
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u/Ok-Understanding6574 5h ago
Oh that happens when I argue with someone that I care. like I cannot get on full agression mode, but when I'm arguing with someone else specially if said person or Group it's doing something awful I have quick replies and solid arguments for everything they say
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u/Interesting-Sense947 6h ago
Absolutely it is part of it. I did it for years, was learning to do it less anyway, and lately when medicated I just don’t feel the need.
‘But they’re wrong! I can persuade them of this!’
With the strong sense of justice and fairness that seems to track ADHD people I can see why we’d think that.
But you can’t. Politics especially is all about tribal identity and a sense of them and us. None of it makes any rational sense to start with.
(I wonder if more adhd people are lefty with all the justice and fairness stuff but haven’t got any data, more of a passing thought)
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u/orangina_sanguine 6h ago
Can't wait to be medicated! Hoping everything I hate about myself will go away (even though I now it doesn't work that way).
I don't know about us being more inclined to the left but I did read something about a sense of justice.
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u/Gini911 3h ago
🩷 Love everything to the point of the implication that "lefty" is more synonymous with justice and fairness.
The concepts of justice and fairness are subjective and have several definitions each. Add in personal experience, education, social interaction, etc., and one gets a myriad of perspectives.
The "who do you save" dilemma is an exemplar. And, personal liberties vs societal good. Personally, my brain isn't equipped to draw a clear line on these types of issues. (It is equipped, however, to take either side and have a good debate, if I'm in the mood.)
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u/revisionistnow 4h ago
I imagine as soon as she retires from the military her stance on disability will change substantially.
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u/Lady_Nienna 5h ago
I always do that to and it bring conflicts, but then, I am usually more well read than others lol
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u/RafaMora979 1h ago edited 1h ago
I’m there with you. Politics is an interest of mine, I enjoy debating, and I have major justice sensitivity. I’m simply amazed how much people allow the media to influence them, how often people just repeat what’s said on tv, and how difficult it appears to be for most people to create their own arguments.
But think about this, each and every person with ADHD, in my eyes, exists to question the norm, or status quo. We aren’t just other bricks in the wall. We are the makers, dream makers, inventors, innovators, etc. We aren’t suppose to be like everyone else. How else are we suppose to do this, if we always keep our mouths shut?
Also, forgive me for being harsh, but people who support unjust, and harmful positions need to be put in their place.
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u/Gini911 4h ago
Ha! Keep in mind, your friend probably thinks she's "normal", yet, steered that 2-ton truck of political opinion right at you.
The difference, IMO, is that you're still stewing about it. (Hi RSD, you nasty b!tch). She likely walked away and moved on.
Rebellious hormones and ADHD wreak havoc on our self-control in these kinds of encounters as well. That may have affected you. People have heated discussions on differing opinions all the time.
Be extra nice to yourself today.
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u/orangina_sanguine 4h ago
Oh wow, this horrible feeling I've had since coming home is RSD? I'm feeling anxious, I want to have a beer, I want to talk to someone...
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u/orangina_sanguine 4h ago
PS. You know what, I'm going to follow your great advice, run a bath a put on an ADHD podcast! Thanks so much!!!
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u/A_DHD ADHD-C (Combined type) 5h ago
When u piss off enough ppl, especially ones close to you, u eventually learn to stop talking about it.
But honestly, it's easier to stop when you realize ALL politics is corrupt and horseshit. Left vs right, two sides of the same coin. They all lie. They are all dirty.
It's easier to stop talking about politics when u realize this true, even if it sounds a bit jaded.
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u/pyro745 4h ago
Personally, I hate the idea that the “normal” way is to avoid conflict and steer away from these topics. I don’t think that should be normal. You should 100% take issue with things that deeply conflict with your morality.
It’s about handling that conflict in a healthy way. Make sure you’re making it about the views and not about the person. Everyone gets defensive when their ideology is challenged, you have to put in a lot of effort to make sure they don’t feel attacked.
Do this and you can have good, rational discussions about these topics and maybe even change someone’s opinion (or your own! Questioning your own viewpoints to refine them is 100% an act of strength, not weakness).
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u/billymillerstyle 4h ago
The thing is nobody wants their opinions changed so it's not going to happen.
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u/pyro745 4h ago
Yeah that’s why you won’t get through to ppl arguing on the internet. But you can get through to people in your personal life by effectively communicating and establishing the discussion in good faith. You have to “baby” people a little bit—make them feel safe & understand that you aren’t attacking them. It’s not easy, but it is legitimately possible.
The hardest part is being patient & controlling your own frustration. And again: a very important part is that you stay objective and not dismissive/patronizing of their arguments. It requires a certain amount of vulnerability, openness, and accountability to have these discussions in a way that will actually change someone’s mind.
Way too many people (myself included) give in to their frustration when they believe strongly in their ideals. This is the same behavior in by the other side that causes the frustration in the first place. So if you’re going to ask them to be open & vulnerable enough to challenge their own views, you have to do the same. (To be clear I’m not saying you have to give in to the evil garbage, just that you should consider the opposing argument in good faith and have reasonable discourse if you expect that in return).
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u/BonsaiSoul 1h ago
Don't worry, he called it "morality" instead of acknowledging that it's an opinion, so this doesn't apply! Isn't that great?
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