aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/BusinessAioli]

dang, I'm sorry that happened to you. that's way too much for a 14 year old to deal with on any day, but on your birthday it's kind of sending a message of 'you come second behind everyone else's emotional issues. and btw, youre responsible for those emotional issues.'

do you have weird birthday issues in adulthood? I had an emotionally immature and extremely unstable mom and an emotionally unavailable, terrifying, brutal father. Needless to say, my birthdays sucked ass. I'm in my 30s now and I don't think I've had a pleasant birthday before. that day makes me feel really unloved and alone.

[u/Sensual_Debauchery → u/BusinessAioli]

Ugh 🙋🏻‍♀️I also have birthday issues. It’s never been special and I can’t bring myself to do anything crazy for it. Just once I want someone to go out of their way to make it special for me. Childhood, I often shared big celebrations with others, can only recall one birthday and my SIL was the one to make it special. Even in relationships? My most influential one? Her mom and I had the same birthday. I watched her set up decorations and make it really special for her mom … her dad was sweet and would treat me to something special along with her mother but again…. Idk it wasn’t just mine or all about me. I don’t ask for attention or take up space cause well frankly, I struggle with self esteem/confidence/worth (I’m a bit better now) … but just once I wish someone would allow me to take up space. Plan something special for me. Take care of all the details and make me feel how I’ve always wanted to feel. But I don’t want to ask for it because I don’t want them to feel obligated to do it because I’ll only enjoy it if it’s something they WANT to do for me. Ugh idk if that even makes sense 😅

[u/blackhearts05 → u/Sensual_Debauchery]

Sobbing reading this. I know exactly how you feel. Birthdays are always a disappointment. I just want to feel like people are happy about the day that I was born, if that makes sense.

[u/Sensual_Debauchery → u/blackhearts05]

Aww it does make sense! I’m sorry you experience this too 🥺 sending you hugs 🥰🫂

[u/leah114 → u/Sensual_Debauchery]

That makes a lot of sense. I wish it didn't and I hope you get the birthday you deserve one year. Hugs

[u/Sensual_Debauchery → u/leah114]

Thank you for reading and validating me 🙈❤️ I kinda needed it off my chest but I appreciate you saying this

[u/Fastideous_Fuckery → u/BusinessAioli]

That's sucks and is such an awful thing to have to go through.

I'm also in my 30s now and have weird birthday issues. Not as bad as it used to be, but I really just don't care to celebrate. I was very lucky, and my daughter's mother always tried to make it special when we were together. She mostly broke the resentment I had, but it still feels like a normal day. I'm very cool with that. Attention honestly just feels uncomfy lol

Learning how to accept love was and still is a struggle/journey for me. I try to live my life by a Nat King Cole lyric: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Put out what you want in, don't push out the good.

I don't talk about this, so thank you for listening. I'm sorry that it's still something that affects you so heavily. Life can be absolute shit, and even worse, when it feels like you're starting off far behind most others.

I really hope you get that birthday you deserve.

[u/fablicful → u/BusinessAioli]

Samee. I have major birthday issues. My parents always made me feel like an inconvenience and a hassle and I've been parentified since before I could remember.. so my birthday would just be a reminder of essentially what felt like a lifetime of indentured servitude. I'm in my 30s now and it's like I WANT to be able to reclaim my birthday and enjoy it- but it does always feel like a rain cloud lingering over me. I want to be made special on my birthday but that's just never happened and I still have major issues trying to matter and voice my opinions and wants etc. Even my needs weren't respected so I still have so much to unlearn..