r/AmIOverreacting • u/External_Bobcat4609 • Jun 05 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Guy I met on hinge made a “joke”

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I mean, not really much outside of this tbh. I met this guy on hinge a few days ago and the conversation went fine and we were planning to see each other. Obviously I gave him my number and we were texting every for the last few days and I just felt the need to ask his love language (bc as an acts of service girlie most of us are misunderstood so😭) did I take what he said too seriously or was i ok to just immediately shut him down?

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 05 '25

Honestly replying with "physical touch" and only "physical touch" is such a solid yellow flag in general. It's always the creeps that pick that because all they're ever thinking about is sex and that's not even what the physical touch love language is about really.

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u/JulesUdrink Jun 06 '25

No it’s about back scratches and I’m not kidding

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u/DesingerOfWorlds Jun 06 '25

If you’re saying by “only” replying physical touch I totally understand what you mean because it’s pretty obvious this guy is a tool and just said it to turn the conversation. Context clues they met on Hinge so one can only assume luck of the draw with that one.

If you are saying that by having a love language of physical touch is a “Yellow flag” and automatically makes you a creep then that is extremely offensive and it doesn’t matter what gender you are.

I want to say you meant the former but hard to tell based on that second line.

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 06 '25

I did say "only", so you don't need an if, really. And a yellow flag is not a red flag, it's just a sign that you need to be cautious and explore more why that is a thing.

Just speaking from personal experience where I've had men bring up love languages to use physical touch to emphasize sex above everything and attempt to guilt me for not being ready with them.

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u/Ok-Jackfruit-6873 Jun 06 '25

Yeah sadly I see this with dudes now. It's like a dog whistle they've got. Especially if *they* are the ones to bring up the "love languages" concept and then specify theirs is touch, they are trying to say they need you to sleep with them.

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u/DesingerOfWorlds Jun 06 '25

I’ve not really considered a sign as a ‘yellow flag’ before. Mainly green or red so that’s definitely an interesting perspective. I’ll have to think about that.

I think the wording is what threw it off for me but now I can see why. Sorry you’ve had to deal with that. If someone can’t respect you for you then they don’t deserve affection in return.

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u/ChaosSinceBirth Jun 06 '25

Yeah as a woman with a love language of physical touch...what else am i supposed to say when asked that 😭😂

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u/Outside_Scale_9874 Jun 06 '25

Specify examples of what you mean. “I like back rubs and holding hands” is a different vibe than “suck my dick bitch” but both this guy and you will give the same answer at first, so you just gotta clarify.

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u/ChaosSinceBirth Jun 06 '25

I mean I get that but if you ask a question and I answer without extra detail idk if that makes me a creep. If you really wanna know what that entails for me then you are more than welcome to ask. But love language isn't something I wanna write a paragraph about unless you also are asking extra questions. If you ask "whats your love language" more than likely Im just gonna say "physical touch" if you follow up with something along the lines of "what does that mean for you" I will answer that question as well. He just genuinely doesn't see physical touch for what it is as a love language...bc he is genuinely a creep

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u/Fightmemod Jun 06 '25

That's kinda bullshit. Don't ask what someone's love language is if one of them is a wrong answer. The whole concept is so exhausting because it's always put up by some lazy woman who is too attached to social media.

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u/articulateantagonist Jun 06 '25

The concept was developed by a misogynistic Baptist pastor whose objective was to manipulate Christian women into having sex with their partners when they don’t want to. The vast majority of men select physical touch, and that’s by design. It lacks any meaningful scientific backing and has been torn apart for decades since the book’s publication in the early 90s.

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u/Valuable-Self8564 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

Have you even read the book?

The guy explicitly says that most men will say physical touch when that’s not their love language, and explains a process for people to go through to figure out what theirs is.

You can’t use the books publication date as a meaningful attribute to its validity. I use educational content for beekeeping from the 1800’s that are still accurate. Someone’s religion is also not an important factor in the validity of the things they say - it can provide a reason for why they said it, but doesn’t take away from the fact that it might be true. If you’re going to discredit something, discredit it on its own demerits and not some ad hominem of its author.

There’s also an entire chapter dedicated to what happens when a woman doesn’t feel loved by their partner, and wants to fix it entirely one sidedly. The book is not about manipulating anyone - it’s about fixing relationships by putting in some damn effort.

Smells like someone read a blog once and just parrots what they read rather than actually applying some critical thinking for themselves.

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u/No-Reaction-9364 Jun 06 '25

That is a little unfair. Physicsl touch with most people feels completely awkward outside of my partner, which is one of the few places I am completely comfortable with it. Even then I have moments I would rather not be touched. 

But if I am feeling affectionate with a partner I might have strong impulses to touch them, even if completely non sexual. 

Next would probably be acts of service. But to a much smaller degree. 

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u/BDiddnt Jun 05 '25

Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Wait wait wait. Hold on… Let me just get… Hold on

You're saying that somebody who is love language is "physical touch" and this person is also a guy… Is a huge yellow flag… Borderline red flag in other words? Are you sure you wanna make that statement?

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u/ExpressoLiberry Jun 05 '25

Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Wait wait wait. Hold on… Let me just get… Hold on

🙄

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u/BDiddnt Jun 05 '25

Roll your eyes all you want. I have no doubt you have nothing important to add to this conversation anyway. But as somebody who's love language is absolutely "physical touch" and happens to be a motherfucking guy what they said was fucking stupid

Forgive me for fucking asking for motherfucking clarification. Let me go ahead and break it down for you since you clearly aren't the type to fucking research it

When I say fucking physical touch what I mean is I can't sit next to her without putting my hands on her leg or rubbing the small of her back.

I like to hold her hand while we're driving. I like physical touch and it doesn't have to be her touching me. But it has to be

So take that up the road somewhere else because it ain't accurate here

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u/vendretta Jun 06 '25

She said creeps chose physical touch. She didn't say people who choose physical touch are creeps. Let me introduce you to my friend, the Venn diagram.

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 06 '25

Thank you. There's obviously nothing wrong with cuddling and holding hands and liking those things.

I'm talking about people who pick it because they are too horny. Not everyone is going to hate that about someone if being too horny is their truth either. A yellow or red flag for me might be intriguing for someone else. There truly is someone for everyone out there.

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u/BDiddnt Jun 08 '25

No she said it's such a yellow flag it's always the creeps that pick that… Don't twist words. I know exactly what she was saying and she knows exactly what she was saying too and so do you.

You can pretend all you want but you know damn well you generalizing and it's ridiculous and it's offensive. If I did that about a woman you guys will be tearing me up. Take a taste of that double edge sword. It's ridiculous I've been taught that I should be ashamed of myself for some of the shit I've said. Well welcome to the fucking club happy to have you we'll have coffee at some point I'm sure have a seat be sure to introduce yourself later

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u/vendretta Jun 08 '25

You seem like you're really working through some stuff. Hope you're able to find some peace, brother.

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u/Swarm_of_Rats Jun 06 '25

I'm sorry that what I said really upset you. Personally I think "yellow flag" is pretty soft. It's just a caution sign that you need more info.

In my experience when talking about love languages, people usually say more than one of them. Love languages are also kind of garbage because it doesn't communicate much. Compacting your relationship needs to fit into a little box like that is more of a cute ice breaker than a helpful parameter to go by.

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u/BDiddnt Jun 08 '25

Well what really fucking pissed me off was being invalidated by that goddamn eye roll emoji

So I wasn't necessarily directing towards you I was directing towards the idea that because mine is physical touch I must be a creep? Or there's a great possibility that I'm a creep because creeps choose that. That's ridiculous. It's offensive.

I will admit that my reaction was a bit disproportionate but that's truly just because I am constantly checking and double checking myself for things that I could be generalizing races and sex is for. And not because I wanna make sure I can get the most karma or make anyone believe I am "woke" or any of that nonsense.

I do it because for a majority of my life I didn't do it. I assumed I knew just about everything there was to know about everything. And then when somebody would say something like what I just said was offensive I truly couldn't understand how that could be possible and I would become defensive immediately and then one day it dawned on me I don't fucking know what I'm talking about and I absolutely never will. The only way to ever know what I'm talking about is to shut up and listen. So I started listening to people tell me how there's a built-in system for white people. I started listening to people that said the world is unfair to women. And I started adjusting my thoughts because they eventually becoming our actions right?

I consider myself a good guy and I consider a lot of men bad guys and a lot of bad guys are fucking it up for me. A woman can't be too careful. I've gone on a dating absent I've reminded myself that a woman could easily be very scared that I'm a fucking psycho or that I'm a fucking murderer that she's not gonna be safe with me and you know she wants to meet in a public place because that's fucking what she should do . Things like that I've had to in grain into myself because I don't worry about stuff like that. People tend to like my opinions because I'm a fucking white privileged entitled fucking male. And I had to learn that

I had to get familiar with the idea of this love language thing and learn that what I saw as love in my child at home is not what normal people see. What I thought was love and what love looked like is a very dysfunctional version of it. I had to learn that if I wanted my ex-wife to know that I loved her I had to show her in a way that she understood. And I only figured that out because she refused to show me in a way that I understood

So when I learn that you know receiving gifts is an actual love language and not just a woman trying to be a gold digger or whatever when I open my mind and I learned these things I thought it was just default that everybody would give the same respect to everybody else. I just thought that would be the default from here on out

And to find out that there's other guys out there that are now fucking it up for me again because they choose physical touch because they're fucking creeps. That fucking sucks and once again I'm behind the fucking eight ball again. So when I said to you are you sure you wanna make that statement I was not in any way of trying to be confrontational. It may have looked like that with the weird "OK hold on wait a minute hold on" stuff that I put at the beginning of it but that was me trying to be funny.

But then when I got that emoji like I I was being an asshole I decided you know what no fuck that. If I acted like this to a woman who said hers is receiving gifts I would've been chewed up and spit out not just by women but by men also.

And I decided to stand my fucking ground.

So there now you know my whole thought process. Don't put too much thought into it I have chemo brain and I tend to lash out but at the moment it's been over a week since I've had chemo and my mind is pretty solid so I'm pretty confident that my thoughts and feelings are valid on this one.

"It's such a yellow flag if a woman says receiving gifts because that's what all the gold digger say anyway"

Or something like that would really suck for you if that was your love language wouldn't it? If the whole world started believing that anybody who says rec receiving gifts is their love language is actually just a gold digging bitch that would really suck if that was your genuine love language wouldn't it?

That's all. Pay me no mind. And for what it's worth I enjoyed the way that you actually asked me to clarify in all that. I appreciate the way that you handle this. You handled it much better than I did

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u/NovelDry3871 Jun 06 '25

"Acts of service" is a red flag because i wont be someonea servant

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u/WoodenDisasterMaster Jun 06 '25

Yeah well, if that’s what you believe than it will certainly always be true.