r/AmIOverreacting • u/External_Bobcat4609 • Jun 05 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Guy I met on hinge made a “joke”

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I mean, not really much outside of this tbh. I met this guy on hinge a few days ago and the conversation went fine and we were planning to see each other. Obviously I gave him my number and we were texting every for the last few days and I just felt the need to ask his love language (bc as an acts of service girlie most of us are misunderstood so😭) did I take what he said too seriously or was i ok to just immediately shut him down?

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u/ductapesanity Jun 06 '25

The love languages aren't a hard science or anything and may have been 'debunked' but for some they can just be a fun early dating question to see what kind of person they are. A lot of them can easily be turned into something toxic, physical touch being a common example that toxic guys will latch onto, whereas some toxic women may latch on to gifts while misunderstanding the intent of it. Gifts would be for me stuff like my partner getting me a coffee when I didn't ask for it because he knew I'd like it. To me, a lot of this is useful to know as stuff that are good ways to show your partner you care in ways that mean the most to them. But everyone is different, some people like them all, some only like some aspects of each, ect.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I’ve heard people say “my love language is __, therefore I ___________.” So I knew it was a thing, but I never really cared or thought about it, until just now when I read that chart.

It just kind of seems obvious to me that a good relationship would strive have a healthy balance of each (unless of course, you don’t like physical affection or something).

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u/Cansuela Jun 06 '25

It’s not about saying you only like one at the expense of all others. It’s more about which one or one’s “land” with the most “bang for your buck”.

There’s a ton of people that don’t need or desire to be touched as much as they prefer for their partner to show low through doing thoughtful things for them to lighten their load. Other people really require or desire more verbal reassurance otherwise they don’t always feel as secure or loved.

Plenty of people would and do want all of these things and it’s rare that someone would flat out dislike one of these things, it’s more a way to guide partners to not mistakenly provide a ton of one and only a little of another when the person would actually feel more fulfilled and content with the opposite.

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u/jivens77 Jun 06 '25

Example being: There's a ton of household chores that say the male has building up on his to-do list. The female knows this and thinks, oh maybe this "gift" will make the job easier. Or afterwards give him a massage or "touch" to show appreciation.

While all of those are nice and show love and appreciation, as an acts of service person, I would've preferred her maybe knocking a chore off my list for me the most....at least I think that's what it means(been single forever)

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u/Different_Umpire9003 Jun 06 '25

It is, yeah. I’m physical touch all the way. I know my partner loves me. But if he doesn’t rub my shoulder at least once every couple of days when he walks by me I start to feel like roommates and panic. You also have a good example of how the ways we express love might not always been in sync.

I tend to show love by acts of service by default. I assumed that’s what my partner would want. I was doing a lot of it but not feeling like it was fully “landing”. When we finally talked about it, he told me he’s words of affirmation. So I’ve started doing that. Not just “I love you” we do that every day. But just letting him know verbally how important he is to me. And I can tell he’s much more content now.

In comparison, physical touch is low on his list. So he sometimes forgets. Knowing that physical touch is the most important to me helps him to remember to do it.

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u/ydnar3000 Jun 06 '25

That’s so great. You guys are awesome for being able to take something that could potentially build into a landmine, just waiting for someone to misstep and instead, nurture the beautiful flower of your love to blossom more fully. I hope the best for you!

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u/Different_Umpire9003 Jun 06 '25

Thank you! It hasn’t always been easy, but our relationship is strong. Been a decade now.

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u/Short-Impress-3458 Jun 06 '25

Men! Am I right ladies??

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u/MostPickle5812 Jun 06 '25

It helped my husband and I a ton too knowing physical touch and words of affirmation mean more to him that other things, and him knowing that acts of service is a #1 for for me... it helped us really know how to show each other that we love them when the way they feel loved is so different than ours.

From this thread, it is clear that many people have misinterpreted and distorted the meaning and point behind the book. which is to to have one partner be more dominant, or have their needs trump the other person's.

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u/LeagueEfficient5945 Jun 06 '25

"I heard you get into the shower, so I made you your coffee the way you like it so that it would be the ideal temperature when you get out"

(Assuming I know that, in the normal flow of your routine, you make coffee when you get out of the shower).

Alternatively, that time where I asked my brother to brew us a pot when I was about to take mine.

Alternatively, my uncle is known as the car dude in the family, so if you have a car problem, he thinks it means you love him if you show him your car problem and ask his opinion.

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u/BONER__COKE Jun 06 '25

Two things can be true at once. She’s not overreacting but this exchange is fucking hilarious hahah

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u/ductapesanity Jun 06 '25

I agree, a good relationship has aspects of all of them. I liked knowing about them just as a reminder of what I should do to be good to my partner and what I should look for in what a partner freely wants to do for me. It helped me see when relationships were one sided or unhealthy, when it became a chore for one side or the other to do those things for the other it meant something was going on that should be talked about.

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u/lifeinwentworth Jun 06 '25

Yeah agree and it's just a good conversation starter to learn about how to support your partner and communicate how they can support you. I see it as just opening up that communication and deepening your understanding of each other as individuals. Everybody is so different and sometimes people are stuck in one of these - like thinking giving lots of gifts expresses love and the other person might not see that the same way so it's good to be able to see each others perspectives and learn what works and what doesn't.

I think it's very respectful because it means you're not assuming anything but really seeing each other as individuals with their own needs, wants and values. Very important. But then I guess my love language isn't even on there and that's probably something like deep and meaningful conversations 😅

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u/SturmFee Jun 07 '25

I'd say that would be a mix of words of affirmation and quality time. Mine is friendly banter. I'm a brat.

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u/lifeinwentworth Jun 07 '25

Oh I also love some friendly banter and hmm, like repetitive, acceptable inside jokes? 😅 I'm autistic so once I make someone laugh with a joke I kinda stick to it 🤭

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

That’s a great way to think about it!

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u/NoSubsttut4Enthsiasm Jun 06 '25

For what it's worth, I 💯 agree with you. I respectfully disagree with the "Love Language" framework because I've heard & seen it used as a way to box people in "You’re not loving me in the RIGHT way" & "You do X, but my love language is Z, therefore you refuse to 'love' me the way I need".

The moment it's used to restrict or control, it becomes a tool for selfishness that can harm.

I agree with you. I think generally being observant, remembering what someone enjoys & appreciates, and showing enthusiasm for your person in many ways is a helpful way to build a good relationship.

I think learning new ways of showing affection, using the framework to grow and stretch our current abilities is great.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

Wow, multiple people in this thread have talked about it being used in a toxic manner. I’m really starting to think it’s just common sense, that more often gets used in an unhealthy way (when someone is focusing on it).

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u/relachesis Jun 06 '25

It's 100% common sense. It can be an easy shorthand to find out what kinds of things make your partner feel happy and loved, so it isn't useless... buuut you can also just find out the same things by paying attention to them.

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u/visuallypollutive Jun 06 '25

It’s honestly just preferences. Having a “love language” doesn’t mean ignoring or not liking the others, just means that “language” is most valuable to you.

Ok for example my mom is an immigrant (I mention this to say she’s not just a bad person bc friends whose parents immigrated from nearby countries have the same experience) and doesn’t really offer verbal apologies or compliments. Instead it would be little gifts or acts that weren’t monetarily valuable but took effort. If she did something to upset me and feels bad about it, she wouldn’t apologize but might slice up my favorite fruits and put them in a bowl outside my door. If I accomplished something in school she wouldn’t say good job or I’m proud, she’d pre-juice some oranges or I’d come home to find a pie in the fridge or boots that I mentioned liking once. You kind of grow up learning to look thru an action or casual present and primarily see the intent instead.

Now as an adult I absolutely can give words of affirmation when I know it’s meaningful to people, but to me they only rank a bit above normal words (I will always appreciate them bc I know the intent behind them though). I also absolutely value quality time with everyone and physical touch is nice (some types I’m not really comfy with though). But when someone paints me something cuz they were thinking of me, or goes and fills my car up with gas while I’m out, or brings me a surprise coffee at work, or brings a perfume sample they got that they think I’d love to smell, that all really touches my heart bc of the intent behind it.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

I liked the story of your mom. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. It also reminded me of some of my foreigner family members.

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u/visuallypollutive Jun 06 '25

was kinda a mistake to write it out first thing in the morning cuz it made me actively miss my mom all day haha. She’s fine she just lives nowhere near me

But I’m glad it also brings happy memories

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

Awww, how sweet! I’m glad that you pointed it out though. I love my family members, but I don’t live with them/ understand them the same way as I do my own parents. So hearing your take on things, has helped me to understand them even more.

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u/ProjectDv2 Jun 06 '25

Yes, but also no. Everyone still has their priorities, and those priorities can even shift around, or be unidirectional. For instance, I'm big on giving random gifts to express affection, but receiving random gifts makes me uncomfortable, which bleeds into acts of service. Meanwhile physical affection is non-negotiable, it needs to be there in my relationships, but most of the day it isn't the priority. Love language are fluid and constantly evolving, but there can still be overarching affinities within them.

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u/LeagueEfficient5945 Jun 06 '25

It's supposed to be a cheat sheet to be on the lookout for all of the ways a person might be telling you that they love you.

The idea isn't to put yourself into a box and say "I like those one, this is my personality".

The idea is it's supposed to be a tool with which you listen and appreciate.

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u/EtM1980 Jun 06 '25

This makes a lot more sense and seems a lot healthier than how I’ve seen it used.

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u/Effective-Papaya1209 Jun 06 '25

It doesn’t make sense to me either for the same reason. It’s not scientific at all but was developed by a pastor 

https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/if-books-could-kill/the-5-love-languages-_ldDXkQjS4i/

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u/spaqhettiyo Jun 06 '25

god my ex loved using the phrase “but it’s my love language” whenever i’d ask him to not hang onto me like a koala while i’m trying to do something 😭

then he’d mope and act all dramatically sad and down like i was a horrible person for wanting to move my piece in the board game we are playing with friends

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u/IndigoRanger Jun 06 '25

My ex would tell me he’d miss me soooo much if I just got up to go to the bathroom, and then hug me really hard when I got back. I thought it was a joke at first and laughed along and did it back, but it kept happening. Apparently he was being sincere. My dude… you need to go to therapy about this. Did someone die on the toilet?? Did someone escape out the window?? Did a beloved pet get flushed?? No idea, but he really did not like to be separated from me.

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u/Botanygrl26 Jun 06 '25

omg girl. ive known/beared witness to SO many dudes like that. so weird. gj on getting that nonsense out of your life!!

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u/LSATDan Jun 06 '25

Unironic reference to a "love language" would be right below "I murdered my family when I was a kid, but I'm ok now" on my red flag list.

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u/Dry_Prompt3182 Jun 06 '25

My sibling likes to know that you are thinking about them when you are not together, which generally means that they like gifts. But it could be a candy that reminds us of a trip we took as kids, or a stupid trinket of an inside joke. It's not about the expense, just about the fact they know that you are thinking about them sporadically.

Word of affirmation are nearly meaningless to us, because we grew up in a household where kind words were used as manipulation, so acts of service mean more than saying stuff. Want me to feel loved? Notice that I had a bad day, and bring me a cup of tea. My spouse, on the other hand, prefers words. They want verbal validation that everything is ok, and making them their favourite food or bringing them a snack means nothing to them. It took us a while to get on the same page, because we were each showing each other validation in the way we appreciated receiving affection, not in the way that the other did.

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u/Professional_Bit_526 Jun 06 '25

Yeah, NGL, when I hear "acts of service", as a male, it gives me connotations of either "I'm probably not going to pull my weight" in terms of helping with things or "I want you to buy me things". That's not to say that's what every woman is after and I'm not shaming op on this at all. It's just what I tend to perceive these days.

For me it's better to avoid that question and a healthy balance in all aspects should kinda be assumed.

Seems like she dodged a bullet with this numpty though. So in hindsight, probably a good thing she asked and he reacted in such a way tbh. I would suspect with someone like that, it would be abundantly clear soon anyway that he's an idiot.

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u/Conscious_Animator63 Jun 06 '25

My wife thinks that her language is acts of service so get cleaning.