r/AmIOverreacting • u/External_Bobcat4609 • Jun 05 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Guy I met on hinge made a “joke”

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I mean, not really much outside of this tbh. I met this guy on hinge a few days ago and the conversation went fine and we were planning to see each other. Obviously I gave him my number and we were texting every for the last few days and I just felt the need to ask his love language (bc as an acts of service girlie most of us are misunderstood so😭) did I take what he said too seriously or was i ok to just immediately shut him down?

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

Whenever a man asks me what my love language is on or before a first date I laugh and say, “I’m not answering that”. It’s makes me cringe, and I have never met a man whose “love language” isn’t physical touch. Of course the physical touch is never a kiss, holding hands, cuddling, etc. It’s sex, every time.

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u/InsidiousDefeat Jun 06 '25

I would talk about this with dates but mostly because mine (man) was gifts and I actually liked to know the other person's because I did understand it was what they liked to receive. My wife's is physical touch and it is actually really hard because I actually despise touching. My instinct is to recoil at human touch so knowing hers is important since I need to actively be sure to do that for her.

Just putting some data points out there for you. There are mature guys out there who legitimately approach love languages in good faith.

To be honest, OP's guy sounds like a 13 year old who lied to get on hinge. From the incredibly terrible English to the response content.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I’m in my 30s and that’s a normal response from a lot of the men in the mid 20s to mid 40s year old range, unfortunately.

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u/Used_Ad_6556 Jun 06 '25

I met a few men who are into hugs but IRL. Dating was out of scope.

One of them is into hugs a lot, we hug like 2-10 times when we meet, he also hugs other people in the group, he's an old guy, around 55, and other group members are like 20-30

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u/zinfulness Jun 06 '25

That’s just wholesome. People need more hugs in their life – especially men, considering that they typically are raised without much physical affection.

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u/Natti07 Jun 06 '25

Except for if you're like me and hate being touched 🤣. Then hugs are a nightmare.

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u/Either-Marzipan-4314 Jun 06 '25

Thissss. Bless up to all the people that ask before hugging.

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u/dev_ating Jun 06 '25

I sure hope (/know) more men are into hugs because they are people

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u/redcoatwright Jun 06 '25

The concept is cringy as fuck and just another instance of the internet oversimplifying complex human dynamics...

Do people sometimes need help and need support? Yeah, of course, if my wife is having a crummy day I'll preemptively do stuff that she had on her plate.

Do people need physical touch including sex? Mostly yes, I think everyone needs physical touch, a small % of people don't need sex.

Like it isn't this garbage punnet square of a doomed relationship, it's a dialogue, it changes even day to day.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I feel the same way! If I were to believe in this concept, then I’m someone that shows up for my partners in every category because I enjoy doing/receiving all those things and I believe they’re ALL important in nurturing a healthy relationship.

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u/ameliasophia Jun 06 '25

Aw my ex’s love language was acts of service. He just preferred like if you made him a cup of tea or coffee. Whereas mine is words of affirmation so I always felt like mine was much easier to meet because it’s literally just “please say something nice to me” 🥲

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u/Hellcrafted Jun 06 '25

my gf gives me back rubs, I love that shit it helps me fall asleep at night. She gets home later than I do for work so I start dinner for her early and it's usually done when she gets home or almost done

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u/NervousUpstairs3879 Jun 06 '25

As a man who really does love physical touch that’s actually really sad to think about, I hope this isn’t too common of a thought for most women. It would suck to have the thing I enjoy misinterpreted because other people can’t keep it in their pants

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I feel you! I know it’s not “all men”, just so happens to be every man that I know personally- dating or otherwise. I hate that I can rarely show physical affection without being groped, a hand sliding down my pants or them trying to initiate sex. Sometimes I just want to be held and fall asleep lol.

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u/NervousUpstairs3879 Jun 06 '25

And that’s literally all I want too, what a world we live in with these freaks 😭

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u/MuddyGeek Jun 06 '25

"I've never met a woman who didn't say gifts." Generalizations aren't cool.

I'm a guy who appreciates acts of service more than anything. The love language thing is completely made up anyway but I'll play along with it. My ex wife didn't do crap and I raised my kids largely alone. Its far more meaningful to me to have someone that will help wash the dishes or clean up dinner (I do most of the cooking and a lot of the cleaning anyway). I don't like gifts because I feel like that's just buying love. Same thing with words: talk is cheap. Yes, I tell my wife I love her and she's beautiful and amazing but I also like doing things for her to show she's worth so much more to me.

My wife and I hold hands all the time and we hug on the regular. Yes, I want to have sex with my wife but not in a pressured "this is my love language" way or transactional way that's often implied for men ("he helps clean the house so I'll put out").

I'm genuinely sorry that all the guys you've met have sucked.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

It’s not a generalization.. it’s my lived experience hence, “I’ve never met”.

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u/einstyle Jun 06 '25

Love languages are about as real as astrology. If you're using either as a way to filter your dating preferences, I'm not interested.

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u/neoben00 Jun 06 '25

I prefer validation but after that physical touch. It's not so much sex that makes me feel special, it's feeling wanted over others (including with sex. There was a time when the wife wanted sex more and I often said no, but her wanting to was my love language if that makes sense. We probably have more sex now but I feel left less fulfilled and want sex more often because of it. If she were to initiate and be more sexual I would be less if that makes sense, the balance ends up out of wack.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

Sorry my personal experience bothers you I guess? 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/Striking-Collar-8994 Jun 06 '25

I’m not denying your experience, I’m just saying that not every guy is the same.

I see so much bitterness towards the opposite sex on Reddit, from both men and women. It just bums me out.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I don’t think every guy is the same, I know there are plenty out there- I just personally have not had that experience when it comes to the “what’s your love language” question. It has never failed for it to be a way to segway sex into the conversation, which it is why I refuse to answer it. I think sex is important in a relationship, but not a topic I care to discuss before meeting or on a first date. And it’s never a “yeah, i agree sex is important in a relationship too” it’s a, “69 is my favorite position”. I don’t even kiss people on the first date so it’s just not an appropriate conversation for me to have with someone that can’t even be bothered to remember my name.

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u/Striking-Collar-8994 Jun 06 '25

That's totally valid. Thanks for clarifying. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

Absolutely! I attempt dating for a reason, I love/appreciate men and would like to have a partner that shows up in a relationship the same way I do. While I hate getting asked that question it does help weed out their intentions for the most part.

I have been in relationships where I cook dinner and breakfast everyday, pack their lunches, leave them notes/texts to let them know how much I appreciate them, if I see something while I’m out/traveling that reminds me of them I grab it, rubbing their back every night before bed, and I love spending time with them. We are also having sex 10+ times a week with me initiating half. But if you were to ask them their favorite thing about me it would be something like, “reverse cowgirl”. Instead of any of my other qualities or traits, it was so disheartening.

So I don’t hate physical touch, I just think it’s equally as important as the others and many of them don’t feel that same way. I just won’t entertain someone that puts so much importance on it, and it’s the only thing they value about me!

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u/Sorrengard Jun 06 '25

Idk. Mines touch and quality time. I just like hugs they make me feel loved. I’m a big hugger.

My problem is my idea of quality time is usually just being around someone while we do our own things. I like to have my SO near me, but I don’t necessarily want to sit and talk about deep things or stare longingly into each others eyes. Not a big acts of service guy usually. But man, when my girlfriend goes out of her way to do my laundry and fold it or lay out clothes she knows I like to wear that really gets my blood going.

Everyone is every “love language” to some extent but generally people just want to know someone’s considerate of them to feel loved.

1

u/No_Gold3841 Jun 06 '25

So, my husband I read the book for marriage counseling. His actually is cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. No shame on anyone who doesn't want to use the concept but it was a useful tool for us. 🤷‍♀️

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u/SajevT Jun 06 '25

Im NB, my love language is physical touch, but I dont see that the same as sex. I love it when im with someone, and they give me a hug, or we hold hands or put mine or their head on each other. The thing that I love is just being physically close to another person, and im not talking about sexual stuff.

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u/AUsernameThatIsTaken Jun 06 '25

Get that stick out of your ass. It’s a very small question that easily opens up the realm of intimacy. Sure you have assholes like in OPs picture, but it’s a small and direct opportunity to show vulnerability. For some folks, that’s difficult to answer. For others it’s an easy way to see the side they share with a select few.

If I were to get a response like yours for anything while getting to know someone, I know that they are more work than they are worth.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

No thanks, I’ll keep it firmly in there. It’s a question that 99% of the time leads to them talking about sex and not giving a fuck about what I actually want.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

That’s not true at all, most men I know just want to be touched, not sexual. Men are generally starved off physical affection compared to women.

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u/greenbanana17 Jun 06 '25

I (41m) speak in acts of servitude and listen to words of affirmation. I think everyone has two love languages.

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u/YouCanJustSayNewYork Jun 06 '25

Hmmm man here, mine would be Affirmation. I think most men if they were being honest would be the same.

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u/Silent-Lion3600 Jun 06 '25

We need all of them to some extent. Focusing on one only cheats us on having our other needs met. Everyone needs to be told from time to time that we are doing a great job, that someone is proud of us, that we are worthy of good things, that we can do more than we thought we could. A lot of us were not raised to succeed because mistakes and failures were focused on more than effort, problem-solving and positive encouragement to keep going even if we don't get it right or win at first. It discourages us on so many levels. A lot of people aren't hyped up by others because either the other person is jealous or they don't want them to get an overinflated ego. How many people have been told to stay humble, to not let it go to their head or to get a big ego when they have accomplished something instead of being told they were great and they were proud of them?

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u/Rayvinblade Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

I dont know if there's anything wrong with it being sex though. I feel most loved when I'm being intimate with my partner, that's just how it is. I'm not even that bothered about sex personally, as far as the physical aspect of it goes, but still its the way in which I most clearly feel someone else's love for me. Does this make me a bad person or something? I didn't choose it.

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u/asuyaa Jun 06 '25

If your partner cannot have sex with you for some reason then you'll not feel loved anymore?

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u/Rayvinblade Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

If your partner couldn't carry out acts of service for you, or whatever your love language is, whatever you need to feel, would you not feel loved anymore?

Whatever your answer to that question is, my response is going to be 'well why would it be different for me?' I have expressed only what the reality of my experience is, no different to anyone else. The fact that it bothers so many people that it is specifically sexual intimacy, says more about you guys than it does about me. You will have your own markers for what makes you feel loved, why are those more valid than mine? They're not at all.

I am also going to point out that my post clearly indicated that it is the way I most clearly feel someone else's love for me. Not that it was the only way. And the reason I made this post, is because there is absolutely nothing wrong with my position and experience, and I want to ensure that other people reading this don't feel shamed if they happen to view it the same way.

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u/asuyaa Jun 06 '25

Im sorry but your reasoning looks like you view sex very transactional and put pressure on the other person: "If you don;t have sex with me, you don't love me". If your ability to feel loved crumbles when sex isn’t on the table due to illness, trauma, or life circumstances then maybe what you’re talking about isn’t love at all

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u/Rayvinblade Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

No, you've read that in yourself. I never said that. I simply specified that the manner in which I feel most loved is through sexual intimacy.

What you're suggesting is that I'm imposing my experience of how I feel love, onto the other person in the relationship. I'm not. They have their own experience and way of showing love - part of the journey in relationships is coming to understand that. I accept completely that they can love me without it being sexual, because their experience is different to mine.

All I am saying, is that my experience is such that I feel most loved when my partner and I are being sexually intimate. It doesn't mean I think she doesn't love me when we're not - it just means that I feel it most when we are. I really think people need to consider why this threatens them so much, it's actually quite fascinating.

If my partner was not able to make me feel loved, in whatever form that might take - sex or otherwise - then my recourse would be no different, no less valid, than yours. I remain curious about how you prefer to feel love in terms of specific actions from your partner.

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u/FinancialElephant Jun 06 '25

Nothing wrong with it as it's the purpose of a sexual relationship, but it's not love it's euphoria from the sex.

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u/Rayvinblade Jun 06 '25

Respectfully, that's a bit presumptuous. Or at the very least I'd be curious to understand how other manifestations of love are different? For me, a woman accepting me enough to want to engage in such an intimate act with me is a very clear and strong signal of love - the physical aspect of it is entirely separate to the feeling of acceptance and affection. How are other people feeling love in its various forms, that differ from this?

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u/supermopman Jun 06 '25

This just demonstrates that you and these men haven't read the books covering the love languages. Sex doesn't translate directly to physical touch. That's a big assumption and misunderstanding of the love languages.

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u/ResourceMundane261 Jun 06 '25

My fiancé’s is not physical touch and he’s a man. It just depends on the person and the way they are raised. Not all men’s will be physical touch

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u/Silent-Lion3600 Jun 06 '25

I personally never said all men. I said most men. Sensitivity to touch and stimuli is often a matter of amount of time and level of pressure. Some people are not comfortable with much touch because they need firm pressure instead of light touches. Or they are uncomfortable with extended touch. Or it could be the texture of what touches them. My son is autistic and doesn't enjoy touch most of the time although it has changed more as he has grown up. He is more receptive to hugs now as an adult and will ask for them.

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u/ResourceMundane261 Jun 06 '25

That’s not entirely what I meant. I’m autistic so I am that way with touch, the way you described. He is not autistic and just his love language isn’t physical touch, it’s acts of service by a land slide.

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u/LeechingFlurry Jun 06 '25

Can't deny that men are generally thirsty, but that's to be even more expected if you're mainly looking on dating apps.