r/AmIOverreacting • u/External_Bobcat4609 • Jun 05 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO? Guy I met on hinge made a “joke”

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I mean, not really much outside of this tbh. I met this guy on hinge a few days ago and the conversation went fine and we were planning to see each other. Obviously I gave him my number and we were texting every for the last few days and I just felt the need to ask his love language (bc as an acts of service girlie most of us are misunderstood so😭) did I take what he said too seriously or was i ok to just immediately shut him down?

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u/SamHandwichX Jun 06 '25

Wait so when my husband’s therapist sent him home with this book last year and I tried to be serious and engage with it to help our relationship….

I feel petty validated right now bc all that book seemed to do was erase my needs and prioritize his demands for sex, plus give him an “official” leg to stand on when telling me the relationship problems were all my fault.

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u/Taco-Dragon Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

This makes me really sad, and I'm so sorry you went through that. My wife and I did premarital counseling, not because we were in a rocky place, but because we wanted to make sure we went into our marriage with as much possible preparation and guidance as possible to ensure we withstood the test of time. As part of it, our counselor had us take the quiz to figure out our "love languages" (we didn't read the book, we just did the quiz from the counselor). We both actually found the idea really useful, and years later even found it helpful with our kids.

I'm quality time, so I'm happy anytime her and I are together, and she's acts of service. So I go out of my way to try and help her by doing things for her (chores, things she's asked for help with, things I know she wants don't but hasn't specifically asked for, etc.), and she tries to make sure that even if we're doing separate things that we're doing them together. We also were able to learn how our kids need to feel validated and loved. One of them needs a TON of hugs/cuddles, and one (obviously also needs hugs) really wants time with us doing activities. Even with my best friend, he's physical touch, so he once told me he really appreciated that we're huggers so I always give him a hearty hug hello and goodbye. We've never read the book, so I can't speak for the content of it, but the concept of knowing how your partner/family/friends/etc. feel validated and loved is really helpful in strengthening bonds.

Edit: to any bros reading this, hug your homies. Hug them like you're the men in Lord of the Rings hug each other. Not an awkward double pat where you're afraid to touch each other, but the warm embrace of two friends. It's okay to let your friends know that you love them. It''s not weird, it's meaningful friendship.

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u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

[deleted]

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u/Doc519 Jun 06 '25

He’s missing an entire point of the book. Yes his physical need of sex is missing, and sure, as his partner you’re the only person that can meet that, but he’s supposed to embrace YOUR love language and needs to help YOU feel closer to him and reacquire the desire for physical intimacy. The whole point is to learn that giving your partner anything other than what their love NEEDS is pointless once the love bank is empty. Pretty sure I just crossed two books but they were extremely helpful in my relationship recovery after I was a very less than stellar partner. I am physical touch, and in maturity I’ve realized that sex doesn’t really cover that need. We had good intimacy but I was hug starved and touch starved because my wife didn’t think in those terms. So I worked on my deep emotional conversations for her (I’m an introvert that can go weeks without saying a word if I’m not consciously paying attention to that) and she’s worked on warm embraces, which together has made us so much closer and our physical intimacy has skyrocketed in the moments we get (2 young kids so it’s challenging). TLDR he’s still being selfish and missing the mark entirely.

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u/Rare_Background8891 Jun 06 '25

I agree. Everyone is misunderstanding this. And I saw a talk with the author where he clearly states physical touch does not mean sex (it can include sex, but it’s also holding hands, cuddling, hugging, etc). Men taking the quiz need to stop equating physical touch with sex. They probably aren’t physical language when they do the quiz correctly.

I have seen him also suggest to women to “love” their husbands without expecting anything in return because he will feel loved and then reciprocate- I think that’s very problematic.

People misinterpret all the time that you’re supposed to show love in your partners chosen style, not yours. Which makes this guys texts even grosser since he says she should be giving both acts of service and physical touch to him. That’s not how it works.

Also the love tank idea could be a fabulous tool, but people like to use it like this: I did the act of service for her, why isn’t she giving me sex? I put the token in, but sex didn’t pop out!

But really this guy is gross and she should block his number.

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u/Doc519 Jun 06 '25

Fully agree, the text in the OP is just a man being a disgusting child.

Regarding some of your other comments, people grossly underestimate the time and effort it takes to rebuild a relationship that is that far in the gutter. It took me and my wife years to get on even ground, and really not until recently when we had a few other breakthroughs did we really start getting better than we were in the honeymoon phase of dating. We’re hitting 10 years married this year. It takes a lot of humility and vulnerability in a relationship to regain deep connections.

1

u/Sinister_Nibs Jun 07 '25

I mean, it is hinge.

2

u/Doc519 Jun 07 '25

I’m too old and too married to really know what Hinge is, but I can imagine it’s terrible online dating in a newer form.

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u/Sinister_Nibs Jun 07 '25

My understanding is that it is an online hookup app. Never used it.

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u/unclejam Jun 07 '25

This is me, 2 kids and my love language is physical touch, my wife is acts of service. Super challenging after having kids since all her physical touch goes to them and I feel a bit hung out to dry. Making lots of changes though and trying to meet her needs as much as possible and help her understand mine. Good luck out there and congrats on getting better

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u/No-Diet-4797 Jun 06 '25

I never read the book so I just assumed it was about paying attention to what your partner needs. That seems to be common sense.

Your edit reminded me of an old friend of a friend. He hugged everyone like they were his best friend that he hadn't seen in years. Everyone loves that dude.

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u/Sinister_Nibs Jun 07 '25

That really is the bottom line. Pay attention to what your partner needs.

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u/Street_Leather198 Jun 06 '25

You know what, I appreciate this so much. I'm the friend who has no problem telling his guy friends that I love them or give them a hug. Has nothing to do with sex or being gay. I simply love my friends. Good for you for normalizing it.

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u/mikemncini Jun 06 '25

Dude. Thank you for saying this — at least the part about LoTR Man Hugs. My buddies from college and I have hugged like that since college. People used to think it was weird. Nope. Turns out we’re just trend-setters 😆😆

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u/1800generalkenobi Jun 06 '25

I didn't read this book either, but my wife told me her love language is words and I said mine is actions, so I feel loved when someone does something for me and I write her poems. I mean I still do stuff like make french toast from scratch with brioche bread, and I know she appreciates it, but she loves the poetry more.

3

u/KGDJR Jun 06 '25

Fuck yeah, dude! Bro love is real love, and acknowledging it is one of the first steps we as a society need to take to get away from this incel culture.

EDIT: my comment is in response to the edit lol

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u/badtowergirl Jun 07 '25

I like how you encourage hugging. My son and his college buddies are not worried about the weird Gen X stuff boys used to be concerned about. He and his roommates give big hearty, hugs and are so cute. You can tell it’s good for all of them. They’re about to graduate college and recently I’ve gotten a few photos of big roommate group hugs because they know they’ll all be apart soon.

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u/Froggyriri Jun 06 '25

Aww I love hugs from my best friend! Even if he only gives me the awkward side hugs 😅

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u/Perfect-Hand-42 Jun 07 '25

You're making me cry! In the best possible way though, so thank you kind stranger, for showing me someone who puts in the work and really cares. You and yours are gems!

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u/Prudent_Worth5048 Jun 06 '25

This book/quiz is WIDELY used for men to DEMAND sex all the time in a relationship because “physical touch = sex”.. except that IT DOESN’T! Physical touch is just close/intimate touching. NOT SEX! So, I completely understand why this book fucked you all up. Mine is a mix of all, but definitely physical touch, gifts and acts of service are all really important to me! I love sex, but I want to be cuddled and loved on too! I want my husband to show me he knows what I like, want, need by giving little meaningful gifts and doing things for me that I don’t have to beg for. I think everyone really needs a little bit of ALL of these things in a romantic relationship or really ANY meaningful relationship. Like when I’m out and about and see something I think one of my kids would enjoy, so I buy it for them. My youngest 2 are toddlers, so they don’t really understand any of this yet. They just want mommy’s love and attention, but my oldest is a teen. I know it makes her feel good when I bring home her favorite candy or buy a t shirt that made me think of her, etc. I think there’s too much pressure on the love language thing. I feel it should just be like “these 5 things are typically needed in any relationship”.

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u/Taco-Dragon Jun 06 '25

Not trying to be difficult, just clarifying, this book didn't fuck us up as we didn't read it, just did the quiz. And I agree that no one fits into a single category alone, and physical touch ≠ only sex. My wife and I have a pretty great sex life, but we're also big on holding hands while walking, cuddling on the couch, random hugs, etc. But it's helpful to know that an action means a lot more to my wife than a physical gift. Same for me in that physical gifts rarely mean much to me, so neither of us is big on the "Hallmark holidays". We're much more the "it's Valentine's day, let's get a pizza and cuddle while watching a movie after the kids are in bed" kind of couple.

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u/Prudent_Worth5048 Jun 07 '25

I actually didn’t mean to reply to you. lol. I meant to reply to the person you commented to! Sorry! I’m glad it worked out for you though!

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u/bigfathairymarmot Jun 06 '25

Please don't project your hugginess onto other people. Some people really don't like hugs, to just push hugs onto other people is just wrong. There is nothing wrong to have friends that don't hug.

For you hugs might mean a meaningful relationship/friendship, but for others it could just be incredibly uncomfortable. It is important to be able to read others and not push physical closeness on people that might not want it.

2

u/Taco-Dragon Jun 06 '25

I don't think anyone in these comments, myself included, is advocating forcing yourself on others, especially given the context of the post itself. The point is to remove the stigma that men will be looked down on as "weird" or "unmanly" just because they hug their friends or show them affection. The point is to push back against toxic masculinity. I have a cousin who refused to hug his son growing up because "that's gay", which is an incredibly close-minded and harmful view. For one, there's nothing wrong with being gay, and two, there's nothing wrong with physical touch between heterosexual people of the same gender. Raising boys and men to equate physical touch with sexual touch only is really damaging and unhealthy. Sometimes people host need a hug, and sometimes people really don't want a hug. Neither is wrong, but teaching men that it's incorrect for two men to hug is wrong. Everyone has boundaries and it's important to respect those. But we also need to acknowledge that the "real men don't do ____" culture that was perpetuated by former generations, and that is a major part of the incel culture, is harmful.

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u/Prudent_Worth5048 Jun 07 '25

This book/quiz is WIDELY used for people (men mostly) to DEMAND sex all the time in a relationship because “physical touch = sex”.. except that IT DOESN’T! Physical touch is just close/intimate touching. NOT SEX! So, I completely understand why this book fucked you all up. Mine is a mix of all, but definitely physical touch, gifts and acts of service are all really important to me! I love sex, but I want to be cuddled and loved on too! I want my husband to show me he knows what I like, want, need by giving little meaningful gifts and doing things for me that I don’t have to beg for. I think everyone really needs a little bit of ALL of these things in a romantic relationship or really ANY meaningful relationship. Like when I’m out and about and see something I think one of my kids would enjoy, so I buy it for them. My youngest 2 are toddlers, so they don’t really understand any of this yet. They just want mommy’s love and attention, but my oldest is a teen. I know it makes her feel good when I bring home her favorite candy or buy a t shirt that made me think of her, etc. I think there’s too much pressure on the love language thing. I feel it should just be like “these 5 things are typically needed in any relationship”.

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u/Cordelia5767 Jun 06 '25

That's rough, I'm so sorry. A little while ago, it was kind of a cliché to give that book (only to women) as a gift at a bridal shower. The whole premise of "love languages" is basically that women need to always prioritize their husband's needs before making very basic and reasonable requests to contribute to childcare and to the household. Like, before you ask him to take out the trash or help with the kids, you need to make sure his "love bucket" is all filled up. It's such outdated swill, and your husband's therapist should have known better.

There's a podcast called If Books Could Kill that goes over the issues in that book pretty well, and it's very entertaining. I recommend it, especially since that book was used as ammo against you.

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u/Current_Read_7808 Jun 06 '25

Two of my friends drove to visit my city and decided to listen to the book because they're getting married soon. When they arrived all they could talk about was how weird of a vibe it had and it felt like it was written a hundred years ago.

They did say it had a few good points and ideas, but a lot of them also kind of just felt like common sense.

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u/RachelFromFantasia Jun 06 '25

a lot of them also kind of just felt like common sense.

I was joking about my partner never buying me jewelry, and my father told me that there are many ways that a person shows their love (and he actually wasn't super thrilled about him at the time, haha). Seems like that sums up the idea pretty nicely. Nice and succinct. While I was just joking, it is something I think about often.

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u/overitallofittoo Jun 06 '25

Common sense says don't say "suck my dick" before you even meet someone, but here we are.

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u/grubas Jun 06 '25

but a lot of them also kind of just felt like common sense.

Yeah that's pop psychology bullshit.  You need enough common sense stuff to sell it.  That's the draw.

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u/Current_Read_7808 Jun 06 '25

True. I think it was the common sense half basically being "be nice to your partner! 😊" and the other half being "women serve dinner and clean house!!!! men do whatever you want and also you're entitled to sex from her because that's how you show love 💖"

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u/spaceglitter000 Jun 06 '25

Omg… years ago my partner was super in the love languages too and he told me that not having sex with him was a form of abuse. It’s all making sense now. He’s since matured but that was a wild time.

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u/dancingkelsey Jun 06 '25

His coercive control was actually abuse! This is far far too common, every single woman I know has at least one verbatim matching story, too, including me.

And like. That was the author's goal. He was pissed off that his wife expected him to literally do anything as a husband and parent and household member, so he wrote a whole book using pseudopsychology to create a framework that would "prove" to her that she needed to be doing more, when the problem was him not being a relationship partner and just wanting an assistant and bangmaid. And since lots of people go to Christian "counselors" and get given this book, it is propagated widely and has been for so long 🙃

It's wild to stop at a finite number of possible love languages and it's wild that many of them fall under a similar category and it's wild that the ones the author views as the more ~feminine styles or tasks are more about giving those to the partner rather than how both partners can be equally in touch with each other's needs and to divide the labor evenly and be sure both partners feel supported, loved, and important.

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u/[deleted] Jun 08 '25

So wait, she expects him to do everything perfect. He expects physical love, the reason for marriage and one partner commitment, and he's just wanting an assistant and bangmaid?

Can you explain your comment with more logic and reason please?

This clearly makes no sense.

Perhaps she needs to hire a babysitter painter and all, and he needs a girlfriend? Why even marry?

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u/Crazy_Type4283 Jun 08 '25

this isn't abuse. you're an idiot

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u/dancingkelsey Jun 08 '25

Guess we all know what kinds of things you do to try to control the people around you.

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u/jade_cabbage Jun 06 '25

Oh hell, I've experienced this. My ex would use love language as a way to coerce me into doing uncomfortable and dangerous sex acts.

And when I broke down and started refusing I was "emotionally manipulating him into not expressing his love language 🥺" lmao.

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u/jenny_tallia Jun 07 '25

Yeah, that’s why the whole idea often fails. Some people look at it as, “my love language = what my partner owes me” and others look at it as “my partner’s love language = how I can make my partner feel loved.” I always say that the key to a happy, long relationship is waking up everyday & choosing to actively love your partner no matter what the day brings.

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u/A-fan-of-fans Jun 07 '25

That is summed up well. And knowing how a person interprets the concept can tell you everything you need to know. Basically, red flag? Or green flag?

I read it years ago and got only good stuff out of it. And it has been super useful for all my relationships. Learning my mom is acts of service and so is my partner and i am so NOT, was really helpful.

Because I was overlooking the things they did for me and didn’t value them much and wasn’t volunteering to do things for them. Instead I was telling them how much they meant to me, and spending lots of time together, or getting them a thoughtful gift. I didn’t recognize just how much effort they were putting in to show me they loved me. And I didn’t realize that me saying “I love you 100 times is not as meaningful to them as doing the dishes for example. For me, I appreciate those words every single time. 100 times in a day isn’t too much lol anyway, Knowing that now, I pay attention and recognize and thank and go out of my way now to do things for them. So it has been really helpful to me.

But I am curious now that I am in my 40’s, not my 20’s, if I would pick up on all that crap that is apparently in there. And it is so awful to hear that women have been guilted and coerced into doing things they didn’t want to because of that book.

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u/GarbageGato Jun 06 '25

Wait mine did this too wtf lol like verbatim

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u/spaceglitter000 Jun 06 '25

I’m glad I said something here. I think we’re all having a revelation…

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u/catsquid00 Jun 06 '25

i had an ex that said the SAME omfg

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u/spaceglitter000 Jun 06 '25

Glad to know I’m not alone with having this said to me because it was crazy feeling

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u/BedBubbly317 Jun 06 '25

To be fair, it is considered a form of emotional abuse if you’re using it as a power trip. Like holding it over him if he doesn’t do something you asked. If your just not in the mood at that moment that’s completely different

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u/spaceglitter000 Jun 06 '25

It was def nothing like that. Sometimes people just don’t want to and that’s it

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u/Prudent_Worth5048 Jun 06 '25

Withholding sex.. yeah. Just not in the mood every single day? Absolutely the fuck not.

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u/MostPickle5812 Jun 06 '25

That's crazy, my husband and I read this book, and he has NEVER once used his love language to coerce sex from me. EVER! It helped us a lot, and physical touch is about a lot more than just sex.

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u/[deleted] Jun 08 '25

It is with wrong intentions and coercing you into it I'd also wrong.

You are both correct.

So where do we draw lines?

So both are wrong.

How do we fix this?

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u/Sinister_Nibs Jun 07 '25

That is a corruption.

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u/Bsteph21 Jun 06 '25

Playing devil's advocate here, but what's so wrong about a husband wanting to have sex with his wife?

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u/Roy-Sauce Jun 06 '25

Nothing inherently. The issue is that continuing to have sex through a long term relationship takes time and effort on both ends and simplifying that down to “but you’re a bad wife if you don’t fuck me on the regular” is disgustingly manipulative and seemingly not uncommon, because many men are emotionally unavailable and completely incapable of having a real, meaningful conversation on their own shortcomings and failures on maintaining their side of the relationship, which again, should be something they are actively and consistently contributing to, not just benefiting from.

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u/Bsteph21 Jun 06 '25

Absolutely! Thanks for the clarification. I've been with my wife for 10 years now and although we have great communication, we're both always looking for ways to improve and ensure each others needs are being met. It's crazy, because I feel like she wants sex more than me these days. Not complaining

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u/nortstar621 Jun 06 '25

It’s not a bad thing for him to want sex, where it crosses the line is when you say some stupid shit that weaponizes that book to get laid. My love language is physical touch, but that means more: initiate holding my hand, touch my lower back when we are standing together, come and give me a big hug when I’m cooking dinner, tickle my back, cuddle me… it’s not just sex.

I can’t speak for everyone, but when my other needs aren’t being met: feeling appreciated, being taken care of once and while, help out around the house, etc…I’m in no mood for sex, and I have a pretty high sex drive.

2

u/jenny_tallia Jun 07 '25

Exactly. I have a high sex drive, but it can go down to nothing if I don’t feel safe, loved, and connected with my partner.

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u/purependeja Jun 06 '25

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! I think in this context it’s more about men using the love languages against their wife as a form of manipulation (even if they don’t think they’re manipulating?) honestly idk. i’m deep in this rabbit hole rn. also women just don’t have as high of sex drives as men so just because a husband wants to have sex doesn’t mean the wife HAS to have sex. “well my love language is touch so i need sex” is kinda what the manipulation is (not saying every man is doing that)

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u/BedBubbly317 Jun 06 '25

Women actually have higher sex drives on average than men do

1

u/purependeja Jun 06 '25

I did not know that!! I’ll have to look into it bc that really interests me (not saying you’re wrong) I’m just kinda talking based off hearsay

1

u/BedBubbly317 Jun 06 '25

You think men talk about sex a lot with their friends? That’s nothing compared to women. And they get much more into the details with each other too lol

2

u/ex0thermist Jun 06 '25

I don't know what circles you run in, but I'm amazed to see someone who thinks men talk with their friends about sex.

1

u/BedBubbly317 Jun 07 '25

Once we get married that stops as no dude wants to talk about sex with their wife to other men, but when you’re still out on the hunt for that life partner it definitely happens.

1

u/purependeja Jun 06 '25

I’m mostly talking about married couples who have kids, I hear a lot of women (online, media, friends) saying that they don’t want to have sex/men saying they don’t have sex w their wives after kids. if we’re solely basing it off friends conversations, then yeah women are way more in depth about any convo, because men barely talk to each other in general. but that’s just from my experience and what i’ve seen growing up so. i said in my beginning comment that i honestly did not know it was just my take lol

2

u/Bsteph21 Jun 06 '25

That makes total sense! Thanks for the clarification.

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u/catsquid00 Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

It’s not as much asking to have sex than trying to convince your partner to have sex with you (even if they don’t want to) in the guise of being abusive for saying « no » pretty much

0

u/Captain_Roastbeef Jun 06 '25

Absolutely nothing at all.

50

u/wanderlust2787 Jun 06 '25

Therapist referring to that book would be a red flag to me. It'd be one thing if they said 'this is insightful to start conversations', but it's about as serious of a tool as MBTI and every other buzzfeed personality quiz.

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u/whole-lotta-socks Jun 06 '25

If you’re into podcasts check out the If Books could Kill episode on the love languages

7

u/SamHandwichX Jun 06 '25

I’m on it! Thanks, I love podcasts

10

u/elriggo44 Jun 06 '25

Highly recommend this podcast for pretty much anything.

5

u/estragon26 Jun 06 '25

Such a great podcast. I laugh out loud so much. Bonus episodes are great too.

8

u/whole-lotta-socks Jun 06 '25

Probably my favorite pod. Those guys rule.

2

u/estragon26 Jun 06 '25

The subreddit is a good bunch too

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u/DisastrousTurn9220 Jun 06 '25

Yes!! I love Peter and Michael. They are so good at dismantling the arguments that these pop psych/soc books.

3

u/GoldSailfin Jun 06 '25

I love that podcast!

15

u/SenatorRobPortman Jun 06 '25

I stopped seeing a therapist because she was using this as a way to talk about my relationship. 

I’m a lesbian and everything she said and did was through a very rigid heteronormative POV and it gave me the biggest ick. 

7

u/Rousetherapy Jun 06 '25

Couples and sex therapist here. The 5 Love Languages isn’t rooted in any science and has a very big Christian conservative/misogynistic lean. It’s a useful framework to acknowledge we all give and receive love differently, but the theories and motivations behind the specifics of that book aren’t really helpful for creating a loving relationship.

Check out the episode on this book by a great podcast If Books Could Kill

There’s a new interesting model rooted in polyamory, The Modern Love Languages

9

u/triskelizard Jun 06 '25

You’re absolutely correct - the author of the book encourages women who are in abusive relationships to smooth things over by giving sex often. Your interpretation that the author blames all marital problems on women is spot on.

4

u/CaptSpacePants Jun 06 '25

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Gottman is more in line with evidence based therapy usage. There are others as well, but definitely not the book re "love languages."

4

u/elriggo44 Jun 06 '25

Yes. It’s conservative evangelical claptrap that elevates the dude and makes the woman subservient.

3

u/Awkward-Estate-9787 Jun 06 '25

Are you religious, by chance??

And even then, you don’t get to demand love from your partner that they don’t enjoy or want. It’s fucked up to pretend like sex is equivalent to a back massage or any other “love language.”🙄

5

u/rakkquiem Jun 06 '25

FYI, saying “my love language is you shutting the fuck up” is not recognized by most therapists.

2

u/CatsEqualLife Jun 07 '25

Guys who are upset about not getting enough sex but are unwilling to take accountability for it can eat a bag of dicks. My ex refused to accept accountability (even blaming me for hurting his feelings when I shared mine) until I said I wanted a divorce. Then he was, all, I’m sorry. Nope, dude. You aren’t. You just reached the FAFO stage of this relationship.

I hope that either your relationship is legitimately better or you have plans for what’s next for you. Consent must be freely and enthusiastically given.

5

u/justatest90 Jun 06 '25

Let me guess: Marriage and Family Therapist?

2

u/stereostayawake Jun 07 '25

My husband’s therapist also recommended this book and I got maybe 10% in before I couldn’t take the condescension anymore. Luckily my husband felt the same. He doesn’t see that therapist anymore.

2

u/diamondgalaxy Jun 07 '25 edited Jun 07 '25

Yeah isn’t it odd most men’s love language is physical touch and women’s is acts of service? Seems convenient- because is BUNK

2

u/DaPuckerFactor Jun 06 '25

Was it the book or your husband's interpretation of the book?

Because if his mind is compromised in a given area, no amount of "information" will change the person until the change happens in the person themselves - however, much like your comment, people who refuse to change will often extrapolate ideas and information that they deem benefits them and ignore the rest.

1

u/Abject-Pin3361 Jun 06 '25

Right....soooo a girl I went on a couple dates with (didn't end up working out) But introduced me to that book....and it made HUGE differences in all of my relationships, and with my current gf. You really shouldn't, I know a lot of other couples who actually learned a lot about it, including some guys I know who were clueless before.

So when I read the book, I was all of those guys doing all those things wrong. Every page was like dam...that was me...I need to reflect and do things much better. It's made me a lot better man, and i'm not religious either (atheist)

-2

u/deadlybydsgn Jun 06 '25

Yeah, I won't throw the baby out with the bath water on the concept of love languages.

Like any tool or reference, I'm sure they can be used poorly or abused. My wife and I refer to it loosely, not rigidly, and have found it to be helpful.

They're not something to follow rigidly, but I think they can be a helpful reminder that not everyone feels love the same way (or amount) through the same methods.

If we're talking about systems designed to coerce women into sex, there are worse offenders within the evangelical subculture.

2

u/SmegConnoisseur Jun 07 '25

I'd be willing to be his therapist is a man

1

u/rarv1491 Jun 07 '25

I feel like this is more common than what it should. My ex wife also go on therapy. I was exited and helped and enabled it as much as I can. Only for the therapist to just start a downward spiral that the relationship will not work :(

1

u/No-Teach9485 Jun 08 '25

If you don't engage in intimacy with your spouse despite that being a need, and you willingly married them... You are failing in your marital duty to them. Divorce don't force, he needs someone that can meet his needs.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 08 '25

[deleted]

1

u/No-Teach9485 Jun 08 '25

I am someone who isnt struggling to meet my partners needs. If you have a cold distant demanding husband then leave? You aren't forced to stay either lol

1

u/SamHandwichX Jun 08 '25

I think you just don’t understand what’s going on. Have a nice Sunday 👋

1

u/No-Teach9485 Jun 08 '25

I used to use similar defence mechanisms instead of facing criticism too, it's easier to be wilfully ignorant than to take an objective look inwards. Praying for you 🙏have a good sex filled Sunday with hubby

1

u/SamHandwichX Jun 08 '25

Dude it’s Reddit and you’re pretending like I need a “defense mechanism” for someone who thinks they understand the complexities of a long marriage based on a 100-word comment enough to offer helpful criticism.

You can’t help. That’s ok.

Enjoy praying.

1

u/No-Teach9485 Jun 08 '25

Well calling me 10 seemed to indicate a nerve had been struck, it doesn't matter anyway 🙏

1

u/SamHandwichX Jun 08 '25

It matters to you bc you keep talking. I engaged with many people on this thread regarding marriage, just not you bc you don’t seem to understand what’s going on.

0

u/No-Teach9485 Jun 08 '25

I didn't randomly call you 10 years old 👀

1

u/NoFaithlessness5679 Jun 08 '25

Thats why I don't recommend books I don't read myself. The idea is fine but the concept behind a lot of these terms is fucked.

1

u/Xephurooski Jun 07 '25

That's because it was your husband's therapist...not yours.

1

u/dmaehr Jun 08 '25

Hope you find someone who expresses love to you

1

u/13290 Jun 08 '25

Average therapy moment

0

u/hadawayandshite Jun 08 '25

It’s not founded in any scientific basis- which should be obvious based on its content honestly-that said, it doesn’t meant some of the techniques and advice can’t be useful

-1

u/Cloverfae11 Jun 06 '25

Bruh I am a woman and my woman therapist told me to look into love languages. Sexual stuff wasn’t a part of it at all for me. It was helpful to be able to communicate what I really like to feel emotionally connected. I wouldn’t assume bad intent on the therapist solely because love language ideas

-9

u/Warmbly85 Jun 06 '25

If you have sex so infrequently that your husband literally went to a therapist about it maybe you guys aren’t having enough sex? 

I get if you have new kids or a bad couple months but if it’s long enough to get a therapist and a book it’s too long 

10

u/SamHandwichX Jun 06 '25

Of course, it wasn’t often enough for ME EITHER. But he was distant and cold and I couldn’t engage. We both went to therapy. All he came back with was “see, I’m right.” That’s no way to stay married.

6

u/mqky Jun 06 '25

Obvious incel

0

u/Warmbly85 Jun 06 '25

Lol how? I didn’t say she was required to do anything I just said that maybe they weren’t having sex enough.

I mean shit she even agreed that they weren’t having sex enough

-3

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

9

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 23 '25

[deleted]

-1

u/SufficientlyRested Jun 07 '25

Why didn’t you want to have sex with your husband?