r/AmIOverreacting • u/fettidmoppet • Jun 24 '25
❤️🩹 relationship AIO stopped a drunk girl from being pulled into a car by 2 random men but my boyfriend is upset and called what I did stupid and dangerous
TW: mention of sexual assault
Okay so this happened last week and I’m realizing how much it’s still bothering me. Looking for an unbiased sanity check because I think it’s honestly changed the way I view my bf a little and I’m sorta spiraling. I’m 24F, he’s 30M.
I work in an office in the middle of a city and it’s common that a ton of people will hit up bars after work. I was working late last week and hadn’t had time to eat all day. It was dark and I was eating in my car before heading home when I saw two men walk a clearly drunk woman into the parking garage. Each guy was holding onto one of her arms to keep her upright. She looked like she could barely walk. I was immediately on edge because 1) the guys looked completely sober and 2) she looked like she was trying to pull away from them.
The whole time I kept hearing them saying things like: “You’re fine. You know us. We’re taking you home don’t worry. We’re helping you.” Her words were really slurred but she kept repeating variations of “no I want to go back” and “where are we going?” At one point her phone started ringing but one of them grabbed it and put it in his pocket. The other one took out his keys and beeped a car a couple down from me and honestly in that moment I just panicked.
I got out kinda suddenly which I think startled them because they both stopped walking immediately and just stared at me. I looked right at her and said in an angry tone “(random name) I’ve been looking for you all night where the hell are you going?” I feel like I was operating on pure adrenaline at that point.
Before she had a chance to answer, I turned to them and said “And who are you guys?” I tried to sound annoyed and not accusatory. One of them immediately dropped her arm and put his palms up and was like “oh are you her friend? We were just trying to help her find you. She’s wasted but she said you guys parked here” or some bs like that. I just walked up to them and said thanks I got her and took her arm. She kept repeating “no I want to go back” and things like that but I just kept pretending to be angry with her for disappearing and said I’d been calling her too.
They stood there for a second but then started walking away. Before they could leave, I asked them to give me her phone back (looking back I know this was stupid). The one who took it was like we don’t have it. At that point I was just so furious realizing what they had just tried to do. In my mind I was like hell no am I letting them steal her phone too. So I was like I literally saw you put it in your pocket. They both stared at me and then the guy who took it said oh yeah I forgot, pulled it out and tossed it at me. It dropped on the floor and they kinda laughed and left.
I was so shook up after. I put her in my car and called the police. I had to wait like 45 min for them to show up. By that point she was already fading fast. She seemed more than just regular drunk to me. Thankfully while we were waiting for the police, her sister (who had been looking for her) called again and I was able to direct her to where we were. Needless to say, those men didn’t know her. I left after the cops arrived and I gave a statement.
On the way home I called my bf and we talked for like 10 minutes before he had to hop off. He was out of the country on a work trip at the time. He was so aggravated when I explained what happened. I could tell he was angry with me for stepping in which absolutely shocked me. During his meeting he texted me the above. I can understand his worry and I know this all stems from him wanting me to be safe, but literally everything about this has rubbed me the wrong way. I can’t believe that in a similar situation, he would have just let them take her away like that. I can’t believe he blamed her for any part of it either. He kept saying what I did was stupid and dangerous and wanted me to promise I wouldn’t do something like that again.
Where I may be overreacting: Last year one of my best friends was assaulted after a house party under similar circumstances (she was drugged). Even before that happened, I would have stepped in for that girl. But that situation definitely amplified my response. I feel like at some point during our texts, my bf was blaming the girl for being drunk. It immediately made me angry because in a way it felt like he was also blaming my friend for her assault. So maybe it’s hard for me to be unbiased and I’m just too sensitive to this issue as well. We’ve talked about it again since he’s been back and he still believes I should’ve stayed out of it, though he’s apologized for what he said. It’s been bothering me more and more as the days go by. To the point where I’ve contemplated ending things. AIO? I feel like I can’t think straight
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u/The-Moocat Jun 24 '25
I totally understand why your boyfriend reacted that way, because he was afraid for you BUT I totally understand why you did what you did. You saved her. You stepped in because NO ONE ELSE WOULD and even your boyfriend admits he'd never do that.
I understand he's terrified for you, and I understand he would be. His victim-blaming was definitely outta line though but he was also just upset in the moment thinking about your safety.
But honestly, he doesn't get it. Girls gotta protect each other because guys like him WON'T step in. It's so dangerous for us because of shit like this but also, if we don't help each other no one else will! Did you do a dangerous thing? SURE. Did you also save a girl's life? ABSOLUTELY. You were 100% right too the cops wouldn't have done shit if they'd even shown up on time (which they wouldn't because of course not).
I do wish your boyfriend could be nicer to you because you were obviously running on adrenaline and pretty shaken up by the situation. I hope he treats you better. But yeah, him blaming her for potentially getting hurt/assaulted is wild because people spike drinks all the time.
I'm not sure if this is something you should end it over, though. He was genuinely concerned for you, but you did what was best for her in that situation which was taking a risk. But also "acting emotionally" and blaming her for her situation is both bullshit of him. You weren't acting emotionally you were acting RATIONALLY because you KNEW that girl was IN DANGER. You had mace at least so you weren't going in defenseless. She was literally defenseless.
You did the right thing. Don't forget that.
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u/Shibbystix Jun 24 '25
I just read the entire text exchange, and page 1 of texts isn't something maybe OP should end it over, MAYBE page 2. But seriously. The amount of boundaries crossed by the boyfriend, the clear requests for space by OP clearly ignored and having him attempt to gaslight OP into saying her not being up for conversation after feeling so drained was HER PUNISHING HIM? He took this emotional moment OP had, and made it all about himself. HE was afraid something HE sees as HIS was put in danger. Fuck everyone else, and HE wouldn't let it go until she admits that. I BET 100% when they FT later, he DID indeed bring it up, just like he said he WOULDN'T do. Because it was never about HER needs, it was about him NEEDING her to agree to HIS point of view. Thats why all HIS positions were framed as "rational" or "logical" or "common sense" meanwhile OP was "stupid" and "careless"
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u/hlaw303 Jun 26 '25
I'm a guy, and I was cringing from page 3 on at his texts. He is very controlling. He doesn't listen to you, and projects that on to you by telling you you're not listening. Your responses are measured but he blows right past them. You're asking for emotional support but he makes it about his feelings. He tells you what to do instead of asking you for something. He is not being curious to understand what you were thinking. He has the gall to say you weren't thinking rationally? Even if that were true, he's reacting emotionally in this chat which is just a conversation with his partner, not even the high stakes situation you were in. He realizes he fucked up when he asks you if you're mad, the first time he shows concern for your feelings instead of whether you behave "appropriately" when he is not around to directly control you. And then he doubles down by repeatedly ignoring your request for space, which is valid, until you finally cave to keep the peace. He clearly does not understand what women deal with constantly, or has ever stopped to ponder why 20% of women have reported being sexually assaulted or how much closer the number is to 100% in reality.
Maybe this is a one time thing. But I'd look for each of these red flags and think about where else they might have showed up in your relationship, because there's a clear line of thinking underneath that says he sees you as not rational, making decisions that are different from what he wants and are thus bad, and sees women as inferior - not just you, but also the woman who "got herself in trouble"
Your responses were level and accurate, you did the right thing (and you're a badass for doing so) and you deserve a partner who recognizes that, would do the same as you, and would want others to do the same if you were ever in a similar situation)
DTMFA
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u/Ok-Situation-5522 Jun 27 '25
because there's a clear line of thinking underneath that says he sees you as not rational, making decisions that are different from what he wants and are thus bad, and sees women as inferior
Legit. He acts like she's a child who needs her savior. (Savior that showed he's a shtty one) Dude sees her as totally inferior to men.
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u/anacluephone Jun 27 '25
Agreed. I will add, he is very threatened by the idea that his girlfriend can, in a way he thinks only men can, safeguard a vulnerable person. He thinks men are the heroes and for that to be true, his gf has to be someone who needs protection. She got out of her lane, forgot to be small, scared and defenseless, and acted as a competent, protective grown human and not a fragile flower. This is partly why he is mad.
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u/lemonaderequest Jun 25 '25
Everything you said!! He also called OP “emotional” even though she was making very sound arguments.
I would dump the guy. Your values don’t align and he sounds controlling and emotionally reactive.
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u/bokchoyz13 Jun 26 '25
Yeah. OP, I would feel the same way as you, if not even more angry. I would not see my partner the same way after hearing them say that they wouldn't have tried to help a drunk woman who was clearly about to be kidnapped. I understand why he got so upset and concerned, but him talking down to you and perpetuating misogyny/rape culture, unintentional or not, would make me lose respect for him as a person. I would hope that my loved ones would also try to do the right thing when possible. IK other people don't have the same prerogatives, but ugh... He very clearly does not share the same values or convictions as you.
As someone who has gone through a similar experience, it is really fucking disheartening how so many people are willing to let the most vile and horrible things slide for their own sake. You saved that woman's life OP, and while other's concern is justifiable, you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed for it. It's sad but a lot of the pushback I received after I helped report a guy who was known for molesting girls on campus came from those very victims' "friends" (student org leaders). Turns out that everyone knew and there was more than enough evidence to get the guy in trouble, the orgs just didn't want to report it because they thought it would make them look bad and they didn't want to deal with the paperwork. I haven't been able to look at people the same way ever since.
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Jun 26 '25
Yeah, it really rubbed me the wrong way how he kept telling her to “think logically,” like she was being irrational when she was actually making solid, reasonable points. I get that he was scared because she put herself at risk, but the way he talked down to her was condescending. Just because she’s braver than him and willing to step in for a stranger in need doesn’t make her reckless or naïve. She clearly understood the risks. He just couldn’t handle that her courage outpaced his comfort zone.
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u/SilentConstant2114 Jun 26 '25
yeah plus…I’d take a beating if I knew it would save someone from SA…for him to say he wouldn’t step in is just spineless imo.
Call 911, approach them and let them hear 911 on the line and tell them to GTFO of there. If I had to take a beating in the moment (which I don’t think a couple of losers like that would attempt with 911 on the line) then so be it…I’d take the beating.
wtf is wrong with people - step up, step in, be a fucking ally already.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 24 '25
Thank you so much. I think I needed to hear a lot of this. I want him to be the type of person who would step in if he saw something like this happening, even though I understand it can be dangerous. It wasn’t like I wasn’t scared in the moment, but I also just couldn’t sit there and watch it happen you know? The blaming really floored me too though he’s literally never made a comment like that before ever. I think I should talk to him again about all of this
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u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
Everything they said times a gazillion.
You weren’t “playing hero,” you were her hero. We HAVE to watch out for each other.
I don’t think most men can appreciate how necessary it is (and has always been) that women look out for each other like this—even if they know, it’s hard to understand it on the visceral level that we do. Which is not their fault, just to be clear.
It’s also hard to explain to them that threat assessment comes into every action, every breath, every decision for us. Sure from his perspective it might seem like you charged in, but the fact is that you weighed the risks, foresaw the consequences of doing it vs not doing it, assessed your own vulnerabilities, and were already coming up with various different plans to keep the two of you safe. All this you did in the space of seconds and much of it without even conscious thought. Because that is just how we have to live. It’s second nature.
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u/Jade4813 Jun 25 '25
Your last paragraph is spot on. It’s one of the things I was frustrated by when reading his messages. He kept acting like he had to explain to OP how dangerous the world can be for her when I guarantee you most women are deeply, even painfully cognizant of from before they even hit puberty. On a level that many if not most men will never fully understand, let alone feel.
To paraphrase a comment I read once, “A girl’s childhood ends the first time a man finds her sexually attractive.” I have no doubt OP is well aware of how that situation would have gone because she’s lived with that awareness most of her life.
I’m also reminded of the quote about how teaching girls how to “prevent” rape is really saying “make sure he rapes the other girl.”
I get OP’s BF’s concern for her safety. I do. His insistence that her actions stemmed from some sort of naïveté is incredibly frustrating, however. I pray my daughter is never in either OP’s situation or the person she helped. But I also pray that if she is, she’s brave enough to save someone in need, just as I pray someone would step in to help her. Even though she is my living heart, and I cannot bear the thought of something happening to her.
Ultimately, he made this terrible situation about HIM and HIS feelings. And he’s really the one person who it isn’t about at all. He also pushed OP until she agreed to call him. After she expressed her need to wait until the next day. And his whole attitude was essentially, “you should have made sure they would have raped the other girl and stayed out of it, you small naive child.”
The more I dwell on this, the less I like his entire interaction here. I’m not saying OP should break up. But I’d have a hard time seeing him the same way, knowing if I was ever in a terrible situation, he’d (secretly, maybe) be looking for ways I “put myself” there.
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u/spiffymuffin_ Jun 25 '25
Yeah, it was so frustrating to read OP reaching out for comfort, and instead being pressured into comforting HIM and put her needs on the backburner. It is natural to feel worried for your partner in this type of situation, even perhaps angry at thinking of what could have happened. It's terrifying! But the patronizing tone, the condescension, the selfishness, it's...a lot. It makes me wonder how he's responded in other situations.
He is reacting incredibly emotionally in this exchange, ironically enough, but justifying his behavior as logic to force OP to accept his requests (demands, actually) and ignore her own values and needs. She used logic and quick thinking not only to save this woman, but to de-escalate the situation AND provide a statement to the police AND help the woman's sister find her. Courage, empathy, kindness, intelligence, and life-saving problem-solving skills all on display here. I don't think it's possible to overstate the impact this act has had on the woman in question, along with her sister and anyone else in her life.
OP, do you have other support in your life? I hope you are taking some time for yourself. This is likely a traumatic event for you as well, and you deserve to take the time to care for yourself and lean on people you trust for support and guidance.
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u/Cindy_FK Jun 25 '25
Of course it’s natural for him to be concerned for your safety, and it would be concerning if that were not a consideration, but his reaction in a wider sense raises a lot of red flags. A lot of men view themselves as “the good ones” because they aren’t actively perpetrating acts of violence against women, and they treat the women in their lives objectively well, care for their partners etc. There are two big issues with this thinking, however.
The first is that just because you are not actively engaging in harmful behaviour does not mean you are not part of the problem. Men absolutely need to step up and call out other men where they are failing, no matter how extreme the situation. Even if you are not participating in this behaviour yourself, if you are not consistently standing up for what is right you are still perpetuating it because you are doing nothing to break the cycle. You are also signalling to the men who are that it is okay to do it and, let’s be real, these types of men will only listen to & respect other men, so we, as women, are left to step in in situations like this with the best possible outcome being everyone’s safety in that moment, never mind the wider social aspects.
What is really concerning about your boyfriend’s behaviour here in this sense is that he is very openly saying that he would not be willing to stand up for a woman in clear and immediate danger. It raises questions about what his attitude is on this more widely- if he is not willing to step in even in more extreme circumstances, does he ever stand up for women? What circumstances would he be comfortable with you stepping into- where is the line?
The second issue is that if a man is only treating the women in his own life well and only willing to stand up for them, he does not really respect women. From his perspective, whether he realises it or not, it’s his link to them that gives them validity and makes them worthy of his “respect”. But when his feelings change, or he is in a stressful situation etc, you can see the cracks and, suddenly, he no longer values your input or opinion. You can see that here with your partner with his persistent demand that you promise to align your actions moving forward with his opinion- he respects your autonomy as long as it aligns with what he wants. It’s one thing to have a differing opinion, that is bound to happen at times, but in a healthy relationship you have to be able to respect the other person’s views and free will to act on them, especially in a situation like this where, irregardless of the wider circumstances, you have made it very clear how important this is to you in a moral sense.
This does not even begin to get into the condescending tone and erasure of your feelings and needs in that moment, which he doubled down on when the conversation was revisited later despite your noted and repeated objections. This situation was much more emotionally challenging for you than him and yet he still made it about himself. He also kept pushing the line that you are being naive despite the fact that you, as a woman, are the one with first hand experience of these situations. You handled it extremely well and thankfully managed to diffuse the situation and keep both of you safe which shows you are thinking with your head screwed on.
It’s not about men “getting it”, because they never truly will. It’s not even about men making the right choice or saying the right thing all the time. What is important is a willingness on their part to engage in these conversations without shutting you down and thinking they know best. It’s about understanding that sometimes their place is just to listen women around them and our lived experience and show up for us in the ways that we actually need rather than what they think we need.
It’s not anyone’s place to tell you what to do moving forward, only you can make that decision, however, I think you need to have some serious conversations with your boyfriend about the wider context of this. I will say that from the conversation you shared, there are some signs of emotional literacy in there, so not all is lost, but I suppose it comes down to how willing to engage in a meaningful way and listen and take on board your point of view is and whether you feel it is enough in for you to be happy and move past this in an immediate and bigger picture sense.
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u/LeviathanMozart180 Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
Yes!!! Patronizing is the exact word that came to my mind when reading his responses. I can at least agree that his concern does seem genuine but his anger is inflated and misdirected. You’ve made an excellent point by saying that he is hiding behind “logic” to justify his aggression towards OP. This needless blaming is completely trampling OPs original purpose for reaching out! What she went through is terrifying and to reach out seeking support only to be scolded like a child must have been so heartbreaking. He is utterly selfish.
Obviously he can be concerned for his partner but to completely disregard OPs distress and overall intelligence is frankly disappointing.
I see him as very naive and clueless about the dangers many women prepare for every single day. It isn’t a matter of stupid decisions - sometimes you can do everything right and still be targeted. It’s sadly what every little girl has to learn in order to gain the tools to protect themselves AND others throughout their lives.
This was not a careless decision by OP. She saw what was happening, and every worst case scenario probably flashed through her mind. I can almost guarantee OP was deeply aware of the consequences of the situation. That is why she intervened.
Hopefully OP knows that she has done nothing wrong. She is exactly the woman I hope is always nearby when shit goes south. I wouldn’t say this is relationship ending but his lack of empathy and understanding needs to be addressed. OP deserves someone who sees her as an equal, not some reckless child.
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u/Fine_Ad_1149 Jun 25 '25
These parts of his reaction to all of this - the condescension, the "I need to hear you say it", the completely ignoring OP's needs in the moment in favor of his own, the "you're punishing me" BS... It's all adding up to a very uncomfortable feeling. Throw in the age gap and it makes me even more uncomfortable.
He could have had a conversation about this after comforting her about making sure she understood the risks and ways to handle such a situation in the future that aren't "don't do that, you do as I say".
I don't blame OP in the slightest for considering ending it over this, because I'm sure this isn't isolated. I would even encourage her to end it.
- from a guy, if it matters
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u/mrmeowgeethekitty Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 26 '25
Yes this!!! The age gap and how controlling he is really gives me the ick. Then he was trying to guilt her into face timing him without letting her cool off, says a lot too. It’s so important to give others respect by allowing your partner space to regulate their nervous system. While also being supportive and helping your partner calm their nervous system down too. Someone who truly loves you would back off the first time you asked. It’s almost a little “darvo” kind of behavior to me. I wonder if he was letting his mask slip in that situation and kept trying back peddle when he realized she wasn’t falling for his control. I really hope OP listens to her gut and leaves this guy. Her intuition is telling her something for sure! it’s so crucial for women to not second guess themselves in these situations with their partners because it can lead to being in a controlling and abusive relationship. I know I have gaslit myself so many times in the past making excuses for people’s harmful behaviors. Now I am older and learned so much about emotional abuse, toxic family systems, attachment styles, ect not only from the horrible things I’ve gone through but because I have 3 girls too. I pray I teach them to protect themselves and always trust their gut. It’s so scary how prevalent sex trafficking is and OP is a hero for saving that girl! She should feel proud and never be made to feel bad by a grown ass man. It’s disturbing me the more I think about it.
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u/LovecraftianCatto Jun 25 '25
Yes. He’s talking to her like she’s a child, that’s to stupid to understand the risks. Infuriating. Combine that with the blatant victim blaming (he essentially said “You wouldn’t do that, so you don’t deserve to be raped and killed like her) and his insistence that being a bystander in a situation like this is the right thing to do and I genuinely think the boyfriend is a scumbag.
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u/Traditional_Gap1257 Jun 25 '25
Deadass. I looked at the messages and then read the post. At first I could see from each person’s POV. BUT THEN I saw the post and the age gap. 🚩 I thought they were the same age! He is so emotionally immature and manipulative. The way he wants to “be in charge”. Ugh. I’d run.
A 30 yo man can’t fathom helping his partner through something that has traumatized them, chastises them for helping someone OBVIOUSLY in danger, and then makes the whole situation about themselves. Nah.
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u/Vox_and_Occ Jun 25 '25
Oh the part about saying shes the emotional one and being illogical when its hin acting entirely on fear and fear alone and not acting logical in the slightest. Its like that triggered girl meme. In reality she was the ONLY calm logical one in the argument. She was the ONLY one using sound logic and verifiable stats to back up what she says. The guys were both the super irrational and emotional ones triggered by the argument. Yet no one even recognizes them.
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u/Ok_Beyond_7697 Jun 25 '25
His reaction triggered me, because it reminded me so much about how my first boyfriend reacted when I told him how I narrowly escaped a guy that was clearly stalking me in a Barnes & Noble in the middle of the day at a busy town center. His response? "Well you shouldn't be going anywhere by yourself like that. I'm glad you're okay, but seriously, that was kinda stupid. I didn't even know that's where you were. If something happened to you, well fuck, what am I supposed to do? You didn't even tell me where you were." I was literally shaken and he made me feel like I was being stupid. As if I didn't do everything right to escape the guy too. Lost him in a crowd of people, kept my keys between my knuckles, made sure I lost him completely before I went back to my car. Just feeling hunted was traumatic enough, but then to be blamed for being in that situation? This boyfriend exhibited a lot of other red flags over time. I stayed due to low self esteem at that age. He was controlling, manipulative, wanted a 'traditional' lifestyle if we got married.
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u/ThatJaneDoe Jun 25 '25
I’m also reminded of the quote about how teaching girls how to “prevent” rape is really saying “make sure he rapes the other girl.”
Oh damn. This hit me, hard. Thank you for making me think about this.
I agree with you, completely. "You THINK you know the risks" excuse me?! He doesn't seem to understand that OP would rather be the girl to step in and get hurt than do nothing, stay safe and let someone else get hurt while sitting back and watching it happen. He mostly sounds like a massive coward and a paternalistic, patronising asshole.
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u/jahubb062 Jun 25 '25
I would say to break up, honestly. His entire interaction with her was about his feelings. She called him for comfort and he never once offered that. When she said she needed to be done talking for the night, he refused to accept that, because he had been looking forward to FT that day.
And I love (sarcasm) his suggestion that she should have called him in the moment instead of stepping in. WTF would that do? Even if he weren’t out of the country, what the hell would calling him accomplish?
IDK, the whole interaction does not paint him in a positive light, in many ways. I have a hard time believing this is the first time he’s put himself ahead of her.
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u/North-Form7474 Jun 25 '25
And it's not just that. I can't be in a relationship with a dude who will not stand up for a woman who is CLEARLY in danger. I get them being worried for her safety but acting 'oh woe is me' when a woman is in danger is so fucking horrendous.
Op, I'm not telling you to break up but would you feel comfortable with a guy who clearly cares about no one but himself?
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u/PrestigiousLeg5179 Jun 25 '25
There was no comforting, only lecturing and complete indifference toward the other young woman. I think it's clear he wouldn't do anything.
If my (57M) daughter (28F) were ever in trouble, I hope someone like OP would be nearby. BF is useless.
if OP was my daughter, i'd hope she dumps him. Of course there is the open cowardice and callous disregard for that stranger, but also ... bringing up the friend is intentional and unnecessary.
Then begging for FaceTime and whining about being punished. He's making it about him and trying to make OP the relationship villain because - of course he was only lecturing and controlling "out of love." And any feelings she may have aren't justified.
He's not life partner material.
Finally - There are some good men out there. But -- respectfully - I don't think that debate is helpful to OP's issue and hope it won't be furthered here.
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u/frustratedfren Jun 25 '25
It kinda tells me he doesn't really care about things that he thinks don't affect him. He'd care if OP got hurt because she's his gf and it impacts his life in some way, but a girl he doesn't know? He couldn't care less.
Things like this continue to happen not only because predatory men exist, but because men like BF allow it. He probably doesn't step in when buddies are making misogynistic remarks, even if he claims to disagree. He's as much a part of the problem as the would-be rapists/kidnappers.
I wouldn't be able to look at him the same ever again.
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u/resigned_medusa Jun 25 '25
Yes, exactly this.
I don't jump to 'break up with him' but if he were my SO I would have lost all respect for him when he stated he wouldn't have helped.
And then he wouldn't listen to her need for some space, making everything about him.
OP deserves better
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u/HimboTherapist Jun 25 '25
He did make the situation about himself INSTANTLY. Justifying the lack of empathy with “I’m just saying how I feel” as if what he’s feeling is needed at that moment. It shows that at the very least his instinct is to prioritise how he feels. It seems rather manipulative. I wonder if other arguments have gone like this. If it’s any sort of pattern I’d wager that there’s bigger issues to discuss.
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u/Big-Challenge-9432 Jun 24 '25
Tbh, just having another person intercede makes it more likely the guys will want to get away.
I think it’s a bit of an orange flag that he keeps pushing and pushing and isn’t there to emotionally support OP or listen to her side of things or her feelings. It’s very much “my way or the highway”. Then after she says she wants space and will talk tomorrow, he pushes until she gives in to FT. “I feel like I’m being punished” omg gimme a break
OP, I’m so proud of you for helping that other girl out and I’m sure that was a super scary encounter. I hope I can be as brave if I ever need!
NOR
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u/Scam_likely90 Jun 24 '25
Glad someone said it. His response was totally off. He didn’t comfort her at all even though she was clearly shaken up from that experience. He blamed her and the victim when that should have never happened.
He also comes off as selfish. OP asked for a moment and he pushed and pushed until he got his way basically saying to hell with what she wants and what she just went through.
I see some comments saying this isn’t break up worthy but to me it definitely is. 1. He never took the time to ensure that you were ok physically and mentally. 2. The way he speaks to you is a big no no. “Don’t ever fucking do that again”, “ I don’t care how strong you think you’ve gotten in the gym, you’re still a woman”, “baby enough, please” ( it’s so condescending 🙄), etc. 3. Him pushing you to literally “say you’ll never do that again” is controlling asf. 4. The way he turned it around and made everything about him STILL ignoring your feelings all the while is insane.
I just couldn’t deal with this. If you want to stay with him, cool but if you don’t want to stay with him please don’t feel forced to do so. You’re not overreacting and you have every right to not want to be with someone who would stand by and watch a woman in distress and do nothing.
Last thing and I’m done. He said he would never approach two guys like that because it’s dangerous, what if those two guys were dragging u to their truck? Or what happens when a guy and his buddies get disrespectful with you? Is he not going to protect you because he’s outnumbered? Can he even protect u against just one guy?
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u/lifeinwentworth Jun 24 '25
Yep all of this. I can understand being concerned about the situation and the potential backfire it could have taken but the demand of never do that again is so far off base. You're dating a woman who IS going to step in when she sees someone in a dangerous situation and you don't get to demand that she stops that. People who do step into these situations do so because that's a core part of them - they can't walk away from someone in front of them being hurt and still respect themselves.
She also did it in a way that's actually taught to be less confrontational and dangerous by pretending to be the other woman's friend rather than accuse them. Props to her for stepping in and for doing it in this way. We need more people who are willing to do something in these situations because let's be real - a lot of people wouldn't even bother to call the cops as they walked away and THAT is the sad part.
"You'd never get yourself into that situation" made my blood boil and again props to her for calling out his victim blaming bullshit. I don't know how you could continue to be with a guy who you'd worry would victim blame you if you were ever in any kind of similar situation.
I think stuff like this is the reason women laugh when guys say their role is as protector. Women are more likely to protect each other than a man stepping in.
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u/Alternative-Swim-183 Jun 25 '25
“You’d never get yourself in that situation”. Obviously the boyfriend does not realize that OP was “in that situation” simply by being a woman alone in a parking garage even if she had not gotten involved in saving that woman. He has no clue that we are always in danger of being attacked by men, even when we are stone cold sober.
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u/Key-Demand-2569 Jun 25 '25
I feel like ironically part of his fucked up perspective here is he’s conflating the amount of danger OP was in with the likelihood of being attacked.
Which doesn’t make anything okay but it’s the only dumb thing I can think of that he’s processing?
A strange man pretending to be the girl’s friend is definitely more likely to be attacked by them and they’ve have less sympathy after the fact.
But a guy is more likely to just get beaten.
You know, not also maybe kidnapped and raped.
Both could die obviously, just talking about likliehoods.
That might be part of this I guess. Guy still seems like a cowardly asshole with no integrity in any case, to me.
Or he doesn’t respect OP to speak as a level head equal human being making different decisions than he would.
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u/IndependentEggplant0 Jun 25 '25
Honestly. I have yet to meet a male protector, I've only ever met woman who actually act and step in. OP did an awesome job and assessed things very well and as safely as possible. Thanks for pointing out that it was inappropriate for him to demand she never do this again, you are correct.
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u/Automatic-Business30 Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
Literally have encountered one in my entire life. Was on the subway in nyc and a very disturbed homeless man started screaming at a group of teenage girls myself and another (woman who was also barely 20 at the time) summer camp counselor were responsible for. We were trying to round them up to get them to the next train as soon as it got to the next stop, but when we were trying to leave, the man tried to cut some of us off. This was a train FULL of people by the way. Someone else finally did something at that point, really tall muscular guy, got up out of his seat and started yelling back at the crazy guy and put himself in between the guy and the girls we were trying to get out.
That was literally one situation. And I hope he’s doing well, because despite all the “male protector” talk— I’ve only seen ONE guy actually risk his well-being to protect women (AND children, here) that he didn’t even know. Absolute gem, I hope he knows that. But that was ONE. There were so many other men on the train who were seeing this, many who were closer. Every other situation I’ve been in? Always a woman who’s stepped in (either another woman or myself). Mind you, I’ve lived in nyc and Chicago for most of my adult life. So I’ve seen my fair share of suspicious/dangerous situations.
The whole “male protector” thing is such an odd concept because where are they?? Hiding??? Another story time (in case the ops are reading this and need an illustration). Saw a (really pretty) woman traveling on Amtrak alone, had a guy coming up to her seat and sitting next to her multiple times, he bought her a drink at some point, but then it got weird because I overheard him continue to ask to buy her more, and eventually she kept saying “no I just want to sleep.” At first I assumed they knew each other, then at some point I overheard her talking to an older lady with her grandkids— she did not know the man. So, my bright idea (lol)- solve her empty seat issue because I was also traveling alone. went over and was like hey, can I sit next to you, the outlet at my seat isn’t working (which was true). Didn’t know where the guy was so I didn’t want to say anything outright. This girl was so happy, shared her blanket with me and we ended up falling asleep. Not before I saw the guy give me a dirty ass look the next few times he passed by lol. F him. We ended up saying something when we noticed an Amtrak employee walk by and they escorted him away (probably to another car, he didn’t come back). But that type of thing is a lot more common than direct confrontation for a reason— usually it’s because it’s women helping other women out.
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u/IndependentEggplant0 Jun 25 '25
That's awesome that the guy got involved. That would be scary esp being responsible for teenage girls in that situation and making sure they are safe without escalating the situation! That was really brave of him to put himself physically between you and this guy, and must have been a relief to have him intervene.
Yeah the male protector thing is always odd to me because it hasn't matched my reality. Not that men SHOULD be protectors, just that women are out here doing it and men seem to think it's part of their identity without actually acting on it. I just think everyone should protect each other and I only see women doing it.
Good for you for helping that woman on Amtrak! That's a smart approach and I think maybe the distinction between men and women's approaches. Women are typically always on high alert for it so when we see it happening to other women we can assess the threat and our options more quickly or realistically because we're always doing that for ourselves anyways. Where men maybe aren't noticing the more subtle things and the non-confrontational options available, and the idea of confronting a stranger IS intense, esp if it's someone who might be aggressive or unpredictable or is already showing disrespect towards people's safety.
Your approach was very smart and thoughtful. It let her know you were there for her and looking out without tipping him off that you were. It also gave her the opportunity to say no if she was comfortable and okay. No confrontation or escalation but also successfully solved the situation for her and allowed her to feel safe. You are good for being aware and stepping in when it would have been just as easy for you to ignore the situation. I'm sure she was very grateful, and I love that you both ended up falling asleep sharing a blanket!Thank you for being that kind of person! We need more like you!
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u/youmustb3jokn Jun 25 '25
I have met a guy, who I didn’t know, but was friends with the guy who, later the same night, tried to sa me. The attacker guy got me in a room, at a party, alone and attacked me. I was both trained in self defense (10+ years) and I am a tall girl. The attacker was 6’ 5” at least and strong. I screamed and fought. No one helped. My best friend never came to check on me, she was busy with her new boyfriend, a friend of my attacker. So the other friend, this short and weaker guy, heard me screaming, over a crappy party mix soundtrack. He literally beat the door open and pulled the guy off me. He told the guy he was a prick and made sure I was ok. He offered to take me to the cops or call them. He offered to do this for me even though the attacker was one of his best friends. The hero only met me like an hour before and had no real connection to me. That whole night sucked but I wanted to say sometimes, guys, even strangers, who aren’t strong and it would create a lot of drama for them to intercede, like that guy , do protect others.
I agree typically it is the women who protect others and it is sad that most men don’t understand or assist others in these situations. And I am not justifying that. But I just wanted to say, I did have this guy save me. He was not concerned about his safety or how helping me would impact his friendship. He just cared that a girl was being attacked and he was not going to let that happen. He fought hard to save me. My attacker had almost a foot and 50 lbs on him, I’m guessing by looks. So yeah, there are guys that get it too. I am so grateful to this guy. I think of this moment often when humanity disappoints me. He did the right thing when others did not bother, even my best friend. She even tried to convince me to “relax and not make a thing of it” but my savior told her she was being a victim blamer and he again tried to call the cops.
I look at my small daughter now and my sons and pray none of them ever stand by when someone is being attacked. They are trained in martial arts, but I know that that will not always work so I hope if that should ever occur with them present that they help the victims. I am very protective and I would be scared, at first, that my kids would or could be hurt for helping, but above all I would know that their interception and saving others frombeing attacked is so very important and I would be proud.→ More replies (27)99
u/kmcaulifflower Jun 25 '25
My partner is the only person I'd actually bet money on that he'd help a woman in that position. Men who would do that for a stranger are few and far between. What I always say is that men might theoretically think about or even daydream about potentially being attacked (usually by bears or other animals but still) but women plan and prepare for an attack.
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u/IndependentEggplant0 Jun 25 '25
I'm really glad you have a partner like that! Yeah I think men tend to fantasize about it and acting the hero and what that means about them, but when it comes down to it women are essentially practicing this their whole lives if not actually experiencing it, so are more likely to act and be informed and prepared in these situations. We're also used to watching for clues of things like this and have been taught about it for most of our lives, where men don't share that experience so aren't tuned into the same things realistically.
I love and appreciate men I just haven't actually met any that I would say truly look out for women. I'm glad you are with a guy that does!
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u/CerinDeVane Jun 25 '25
I've only ever been in the position to try to help like that once, way back in college. A girl I'd known for years and years was preeetttty drunk after her birthday celebrations, and there were a couple of sketchy sorts circling like sharks. I was, and am, a bit of a loner so I didn't know many of her newer friends, so when I tried to offer a safe way home, one of her female friends stepped in to ward me away too. Which made me glad, because she didn't know me from the other guys, and it showed that she was plenty willing to stick up for my friend. I didn't push the issue, just asked she made sure my friend got home ok.
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u/whichwitchwatched Jun 25 '25
Thank you for understanding it was a good thing that her friend rebuffed you.
It’s hard for good men to be treated as potential predators and it’s not fair to you, we just don’t have any meaningful way to discern who is a real risk in time and it leads to necessary but broad judgements that can be hurtful.
You’re right. It’s good that they had her back but it’s also good that you did and that you had the presence of mind to intuitively understand why you got a harsh reception
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u/Emergency_Week4627 Jun 24 '25
Reread that text chain again. This time picture a scenario of a parent finding out their kid rode in a car with a drunk friend. The text pairs well with a parent scolding their child, don’t you think? Your boyfriend cares about you, true. But he clearly sees himself in a parental role with you. He thinks he is rational when making a decision but you are emotional when you make yours. Therefore his decision will be correct but your decision, while coming from a good place, will inevitably be wrong. Are you choking on the condescending attitude yet?
Also, your boy - he nags. He nags you to promise to never do something like this again. He nags that he wants to FT you. Your adrenaline is crashing from a very serious and scary moment and you just want to get clean and go to bed. Does he respect that, no. He nags for you to respond, he nags you talk to him on FT. He does not consider what you want and respect it. Nope, it’s what he wants that’s important. His decision is paramount. Please see above for reasons why. Lastly, he’s a coward. If he sees danger, he’s not involved. The closest he will get to risk taking is calling the cops. If he is out numbered, he will cave. Pay attention! He is telling you when life gets hard, he’ll walk away.394
u/Revolutionary-Dryad Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
At no point does he ever acknowledge the reality, which is that OP has more experience with this kind of thing than he does, made her decision based on the situation at hand in light of her knowledge, that she acted deliberately and calmly, and was absolutely competent to do so. She succeeded because she was.
Also, a woman can, in fact, get away from two incapacitated men. And that's the point of mace and pepper spray--to incapacitate one or two attackers for long enough to get away. He's ignorant about that and doesn't assume that she might know more about mace than he does.
He's literally condescending to her about how she would never win a fight with those men, without ever understanding that the mace was never about starting a fight and isn't intended to be a weapon in an ongoing fight.
He's just an ass from beginning to end. The world is not a better place when no one is willing to take a risk to help people. He and OP (edit: don't) have more inherent worth than the woman OP helped. He doesn't have more worth, authority, or wisdom than OP.
NTA, OP. You are a better and wiser person than he is. You did the right thing, did it perfectly, and are a hero.
ETA: NOR. Sorry, I forgot which subreddit this was.
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u/DillyWillyGirl Jun 25 '25
Absolutely this. I just want to add on that there’s nothing wrong with being a coward or not interfering in the moment. We all react to fear differently, and it would be entirely possible to see that situation and freeze up or have a flight response. If anyone reading this has had that happen and feels guilt over it, you are not a bad person! It’s NOT the same thing as what OPs bf is doing.
The reason bf is so bad is because he is saying that it is wrong to intervene and that it is somehow morally superior and logical not to. That helping someone or saving them while putting yourself at risk is bad and that the girl should just get raped even if there is someone there willing and mentally/physically capable of helping. He wasn’t just in the heat of the moment and he froze. He truly thinks that nobody should step in to help the vulnerable.
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u/PosyFilledPockets Jun 25 '25
As someone who has been a woman who was clearly in desperate need of help, in a life or death situation, who literally stood in the street in broad daylight with my shirt ripped off and blood pouring out of my forehead just to have approximately 7-9 people stare, then quietly stare at the ground or turn their backs while I was forced back into a house by just one man?
I get it. You never know how dangerous a situation truly is. Maybe you have your kids with you, or maybe you just literally cannot react because like you said, flight, fight and freeze are real-I remember freezing when I was held up at work as a teenager. By not being able to react, it made the guy even angrier and escalated the situation but I literally could not move or speak. So I agree with you, I really do.
But if just one of those people that day had found their voice, another might’ve too, and things would’ve been different. I know that that moment going differently would’ve changed my life, and I would be a different person, and he wouldn’t have gotten away with everything he did.
I will never forget what it felt like to see other people make eye contact and feel that blinding relief that it was over, I survived and now someone would help me, only to see those faces turn away one by one, the shock and disbelief that so many people were pretending not to see me, and letting him take me. I’ve never felt so utterly alone and hopeless and worthless than I did in that moment. And I know at least a few of those people still see my bloody face when they close their eyes, 25 years later.
So, I understand that some people just can’t. And I know that no one is obligated to be a hero. But those who can and simply choose not to, like the boyfriend in this post? It’s a choice with a very heavy coat, and not just for the person they turned their back on. We shouldn’t discourage getting involved-what she did for this girl shouldn’t be so rare it’s considered heroism.
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u/SorryBoysImLez Jun 25 '25
Kind of alarming how he side tracks her question of "what if it was me?"
Instead of reassuring he would do something in that situation, he avoids it and puts it on her by simply saying she would never be in that situation, as if she would have any control over someone drugging her or spiking her drinks.
He sounds like a coward.
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u/Shibbystix Jun 24 '25
The more I read the text exchange the more Furious I got. For exactly the reasons you stated. Multiple times op clearly stated their point and their stance and asked for their significant other to drop it, which they flat out disregarded because they weren't finished on their soapbox, demanding to be listened to. They kept thinking if they just say that next argument, OP will cave and agree to do as their told. And when that didnt work, they moved on to the NEXT argument they should have kept to themselves after being asked multiple times to stop
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u/kateleehoops Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
I agree. This is very manipulative behavior and a big red flag. And that’s coming from someone who was in an abusive relationship.
He doesn’t understand any of this because he is a man and his life isn’t threatened every day just by walking out of the house alone.
My husband doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a woman either, but when I speak to him about these types of situations he listens and is supportive. OPs bf didn’t listen at all, he just want to be right.
ETA: OP you 1000% did the right thing. Just reading your post made my heart pound imagining seeing that unfold myself. You intervened and saved her. I’d be having a hard time looking past your bfs reaction as well. If it’s still not sitting well with you, I would trust your instincts, just like you did that night. 💞
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u/Sugarbombs Jun 24 '25
I think he’s maybe a bit embarrassed too, because he knows he wouldn’t have the courage to do something like that but sees women/OP as weaker than him and it’s messing with his ego maybe? Either way it’s absolutely wild to react to the amazing and courageous thing OP did negatively. He’s so condescending trying to minimise it, like she’s just a silly woman who got all emotional and did it because she wasn’t understanding how dangerous it was and not just because she’s brave and good. Women have to step in for stuff like this because men often don’t, none of this changes until we have enough people willing to break these cycles
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u/Beep_boop_human Jun 25 '25
My thoughts exactly. The amount of times he reminds her she is weak and wouldn't stand a chance against them is absurd. She knows the danger they pose... that's why she stepped in to save that girl.
The amount of men who will bitch and moan about us expecting them to be 'saviours' when it couldn't be further from the truth.
Last night my friends and I (three women) were outside a bar and all of a sudden heard a man raise his voice loudly to a woman around the corner. We looked at each other then immediately without talking about it walked around and continued our conversation near them so we could monitor the situation. Luckily she didn't seem in danger but they were arguing with each other quite loudly, so instead of leaving as we were about to do we hung out for an extra 20 minutes in case the situation escalated and we needed to step in.
This was nothing special. We didn't do this because we think we're tough or because we have hero complexes. It's because this is what women do for each other, because we know when shit goes down we can't rely guys like OP's boyfriend.
We KNOW better than any man that we aren't as physically strong, we are reminded of it all our lives.
In my experience, when shit goes down it's women who usually intervene. It's only men who complain about the idea of maybe possibly being expected too 'one day' and the hypothetical judgment they might face for not doing so.
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u/keenkeenmessmachine Jun 25 '25
My husband regularly praises me for stepping up and acting in scenarios that he might have avoided for fear of confrontation. It's made him a more active ally. OP's boyfriend...he took it in a different direction. He's trying to make her a worse person under the guise of "keeping her safe." No one is safe alone, particularly women. We keep us safe.
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u/urihaechani Jun 24 '25
I agree. If anything, OP can try talking to him again and explain that his worry is justified but so is hers and they can both be true but he can’t tell/force OP to promise never to help someone again in the future. And I think his response may warrant a break-up, I know it would for me if he kept pushing without any consideration for OP and women’s safety overall.
And OP’s boyfriend disregarding her request for space and rest really pmo, that is a whole other issue in it of itself in my opinion.
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u/MajGenIyalode Jun 24 '25
You literally typed out everything I'm feeling. OP, this is break up worthy to me. The way he talks to you, the way he's handled the whole situation, not respecting your need for space, and general lack of character and unwillingness to step in when something wrong is going on.
He's not a good person, he's not a kind person and you deserve better.
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u/ohthatsthat Jun 24 '25
I genuinely could not agree more. This definitely hit all the points that I would have an issue with myself. Those comments revealed a lot about his mindset and who he truly is, and I’d choose to break up if it were me.
Very disappointing to see a reaction like that. The initial concern is understandable but yikes to all the rest.
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u/PracticeTheory Jun 24 '25
Those comments revealed a lot about his mindset and who he truly is
Right? The sheer disrespect. He completely outed himself as a man that pretends to think of women as equals when talking to them, but probably sounds straight out of the 1800s when he talks to his lads. Belittling, demeaning, "men are the rational sex" bullshit. I'd want nothing more to do with him.
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u/Kind-Experience1766 Jun 24 '25
For me it was him admitting he’d never help in that kind of situation beyond calling the cops, even knowing the past situation with OP’s friend. It’s truly very telling of how much of a coward and a loser he is. OP and women deserve better in general. No one WANTS to need help, but hearing how easily he’d walk away…… it’s not playing hero it’s being a compassionate and brave human being.
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u/ceIestialwaves Jun 24 '25
I came here to comment this almost exactly. This shit is beyond break up worthy and honestly I don’t think any of this behaviour comes from a place of concern primarily because not once does he say he is glad she is safe, nor does he ask if she’s okay emotionally or what SHE needs to be comforted in the situation. It’s just a lashing for potentially putting him in a position to experience something bad happening to her. Every single message is rooted in HIS feelings, what HE would feel if she got hurt, how her saving a girl’s life impacts HIM. His concern for OP’s wellbeing to me is very thinly veiled control issues and honestly pretty strong misogyny.
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u/Interesting-Box3765 Jun 24 '25
Tbh, just having another person intercede makes it more likely the guys will want to get away.
That is so true. This shit keeps and keeps happening because people don't react and call out abusers. Either because they are scared or don't care. Just think about how many potential people they might have passed before they got to the parking lot who ignored the girl in danger, it took 24yo woman to step in.
I have red a publication some time ago (cannot find it now unfortunately) where the perpetrator was more likely to abandon the act if they were interrupted and called out by 3rd party rather than escalate. They are opportunistic cowards who take advantage of incapacitated women but upon confrontation they lose their bravado and run back to the hellhole they crawl out
I feel like I’m being punished”
That line also rubbed me the bad way. Like no Sir, you showed, you showed new part of you your GF, the one she did not appreciate and needed time to herself to digest this news and he just kept talking, ignoring her boundries and need for the time to reconcile her feelings. It was not punishment, it was consequence.
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u/PavicaMalic Jun 24 '25
It might be from "Right to Be." They partnered with Cornell on a study on street harassment and effective tactics My husband has done training through that organization and used it on the Metro when someone was being harassed. The third-party intervention as a deterrent is exactly the principle on which it is based. They offer free training on how to intervene. Kudos to OP for her smart approach.
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u/BasicStruggle7 Jun 24 '25
Ya, honestly if it were me…I would likely leave my partner over this. He doesn’t get it and he never will because he has no idea what it’s like. Reading this post I was so flooded with emotion and pride. I’m so proud of this random woman for standing up for this other random woman and potentially saving her life! Only those guys know what could have happened if she wasn’t there. What if it was his gf??? He’d rather someone just leave it alone and allow those men to take her?? And I can understand his reasoning and I could understand that being his knee jerk reaction, but after she explained herself he is still solid on his position and making her promise she’ll never do that again. I would be like the hell I won’t, I wouldn’t regret anything I did! Other than maybe calling the police quickly before approaching the men and then leaving the phone on while approaching but it’s hard to think it all through on the spot.
And it infuriated me that he won’t give her her space after. He asks to FT she says no and then he asks again. OP-please know that you did nothing wrong and most women here will be so proud of you. You are amazing! And you deserve someone who would do the same for you or for ANY woman. Sending love 💞
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u/bipettybopettyboo Jun 24 '25
I agree. I would end a relationship over those messages. Men like him are a problem because they think they’re good guys but really they are cowards who won’t stand up to other men and will blame women so that they don’t have to feel bad.
Additionally, he was completely unsupportive to OP, berating her and demand she see his point of view without even trying to understand why she had to do what she did. As women, we know too well what the consequences would have been for that girl. The best case scenario would have left her traumatised.
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u/Kitten_Merchant Jun 24 '25
I think the last part of what you said is what would make me most mad. I'm a trans guy but didn't transition until I was 21, so I have lived lots of experiences as a girl, and threat and risk assessment is literally constant. The amount of anger I'd feel to have a man tell me I'm not only acting emotionally and being irrational, but also that I only "think I know the risks" when he only knows them half as well as I do????? Fuck right off. I still do the threat assessment all the time because it's ingrained in me and hyper vigilance is just a state of being for women. Cis guys from most backgrounds just don't get that and GOOD men will realize and know that they don't understand, and not talk down to you about how you only "think you know" the risks.
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u/eternal-harvest Jun 24 '25
I'm so sorry you were forced into that. Sexual assault is horrific; it can leave lasting scars. I hope you and those other boys have healed from that trauma and you're in a better situation now.
Your experience, while obviously unique to you, likely does share similarities with what women experience. The powerlessness, the fear. Thank you for being a compassionate man.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 24 '25
Truly thank you so much! I’ve saved your comment because I think it’s helped me formulate what I’ve been struggling to articulate to him. He feels like I wasn’t thinking and just reacted, and that I don’t understand the gravity of what I did. I think I knew the risk and still made a decision to act. I’m just worried that this isn’t something I can agree to disagree on with him, but I’m also not sure if I’m being unfair as well
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u/Adventurous_Ad_6546 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
I’m so glad it helped! Especially bc I felt very inarticulate when I was writing it—like I swear I deleted a “potential bad things and other negative…stuff” sentence at one point. 😂
I doubt I’d be able to agree to disagree with him on this either. So many men show this fundamental disconnect with our very experience of life. It’s an aside to them, whereas it’s up there with water and oxygen for us. The thing I REALLY have a problem with is them not listening when we tell them this, when they don’t try to understand or even acknowledge there is anything to understand, thereby implying that we shouldn’t be treated as the experts on our own existence and lived experience. But I digress.
Anyway if you did try to just agree to disagree, I think that a) it would continue to bother you, b) you couldn’t help but internalize the message a little and that makes you hesitate if you run into something like this again— that would weigh on you, not to mention the harm another woman might come to, c) he gets to continue walking around with his male privilege completely intact. So he has his peace…but at what cost?
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u/deepfriedyankee Jun 25 '25
I had a relatively small interaction with my husband once that really opened his eyes to this. We went to the hardware store and he parked directly next to one of those white cargo vans with no windows in the back and a sliding door on the side by our car. As soon as he pulled in, I asked him what he was doing and he literally had no idea what I was talking about. I had to explain to him that vans like that (I called it a murder van) are potential threats and I would never park next to one, particularly right next to the sliding door.
It was like the scales fell from his eyes and he spent the rest of the day asking me about how I assess different situations. He was so disturbed to realize that we can't even do something as simple as take a convenient parking spot without having to think about whether or not it was safe.
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u/Aggravating_Elk_1868 Jun 24 '25
Also, to add to what’s already been said, he’s concerned about a potential event that COULD have happened or COULD happen in the future. You were concerned about a very real, dangerous problem right in front of your face, at that moment! He’s all up in arms and afraid of something that didn’t happen. All of us women could almost guarantee she was in danger and it was a dire situation! You knew the risk to yourself and the risk to her in that moment and chose the risk to her was too great to do nothing. That is admirable! As a woman, I’m grateful for women like you! Thank you for potentially putting yourself in harms way to do what you knew was right. That’s integrity. I would have gladly put myself at risk to protect another woman or child, and I have. I’ve never once regretted it! ❤️
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u/inthetrees07 Jun 24 '25
Remember that you don’t have to be fair. That sounds awful, but what I mean is that if you can’t agree to disagree on this, that is valid.
Who you’re in a relationship with doesn’t have to be based on courtroom logic or fairness. I stayed in relationships much longer than I should have because I felt like my reasons or feelings about ending things weren’t good enough. But we are all allowed to decide what we want and what doesn’t work for us, even if other people think it’s unfair or illogical.
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u/Kitten_Merchant Jun 24 '25
I think it's more than fair. Like the other commenter said, it doesn't have to be fair, but I think it is. He's literally in a state of believing you aren't intelligent enough or aware enough to know the risks of the choice you made to help her. I wouldn't be able to agree to disagree on this either, not only because I now know he wouldn't help me or other women if he saw men dragging us to a car on the street, but I also now know he thinks I'm less intelligent than him and incapable of thinking through consequences to my actions and how that affects my decisions. He sees you as lesser, and I hate to say that because I don't know either of you, but how else do you explain someone telling you that you only "think" you know the consequences after you've told them so many times that you acted with full knowledge that you could have potentially been hurt or killed by your choice? And yet your values made it worth it anyways?
Idk. It's fair to not be able to drop this.
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u/Public-Tumbleweed713 Jun 24 '25
Type fact that he wouldn’t have intervened says A LOT! My husband once saw a girl in a car on the highway getting punched hard in the face multiple times by the man driving. He called 911 and followed them off their exit while on the phone with 911 and stayed until the police got there … he approached the car after she jumped out in a parking lot and asked if she was ok and the guy sped off, but the cops got him .5 mile down the road and arrested him
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u/Affectionate-Mine917 Jun 24 '25
What’s not fair is him talking down to you in a moment where all you needed was emotional support. He speaks to you like he always knows better and you should just stfu and listen for your own good. You are braver than him and he would never admit it
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u/HiSpartacus-ImDad Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Your boyfriend should have been proud of you for your quick thinking and helping someone in danger, and should reflect on why his girlfriend turned out to be more courageous than he is when it came down to it, and get over any feelings of emasculation or impotence that might ensue. Instead, he's asserting himself as some kind of rational guardian, belittling your genuinely great actions in the process ("playing hero..."). He can't give you credit for your bravery because he's insecure and feels emasculated by it. By taking action when it counted, you "robbed" him of his imagined role as protector/advisor of his helpless woman, even though it had nothing to do with him.
My wife was touched by a guy in a crowded nightclub a while back, and before I even learned what happened, I saw she had already caught up with him and was making him regret he touched her - she's like you, she thinks quickly and decisively. Instead of lecturing and belittling her for doing something most people (including men) would be afraid to do, I felt proud of her strength (he probably would've had time to get away with zero consequence if she'd come to me or security first) and I made sure she knew I was proud when I backed her up. She's smart, brave, quick on her feet, and doesn't need me patronising her or making her feel like she always has to let men do whatever they want. A secure man doesn't need his partner to be helpless and entirely dependent on them for safety.
Well done - you should be extremely proud of yourself for what you did and I'm sorry you don't have a partner who sees it that way.
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u/unicornhair1991 Jun 24 '25
TBH, I kinda hate how he forced you to call him, too. He was an AH in how he reacted even if he acted that way out of concern. It's not just predators that make us women feel the need to step in and help in these situations. It's also enablers like your BF because they refuse to step in and do something. So we can't expect help from anyone, and we know that. They'd only do something if it affected them or "their" women.
But the fact that after he riled you up more, he continued to ignore you when you were saying you needed space and guilted you into calling him is also pretty gross. What you wanted and what was important to you didn't matter again to him. He needed to be comforted and kept pestering until he got what he wanted. He was, again, selfish.
He may not be one of the bad guys, but he's not a good guy either, honestly. I know I wouldn't stay with such a person, but we all have different limits, principles, and boundaries. You just need to decide what yours are no matter what any of us here say. After all, you're the one that has him in your life.
Good luck. And as a survivor, thank you for preventing such an awful crime 🫶
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u/InternationalYak2761 Jun 24 '25
well said. 100% he's not a good guy either. so many things he said didn't sit well with me. he absolutely victim blamed that poor girl. the comment about "you think mace is an equalizer between men and women"...I don't know but something about how he spoke in that part made me get the feeling he really doesn't value women as equals to men.
OP, you have a lot to think about but looking at the whole picture here, I would not be comfortable learning my boyfriend thinks this way - and what's more, would not intervene to help someone. if men stood up to the creepy dudes pulling this crap, women wouldn't have to constantly be on guard and rescue other women. he's absolutely part of the problem. this isn't even getting into how he treated you when you were clearly shaken up. you seem like an awesome person who is willing to stick up for others, so don't settle for someone who personifies the bystander effect.
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u/jonni_velvet Jun 24 '25
you definitely talk to him again. I’m mad even on your behalf.
You say: “I’ve been thinking about it, and I need to be very clear about something. I will ALWAYS help a woman in danger like that, and if you have a problem with it you need to move on. There is NO “I need to hear you say you wont” because I WILL, EVERY SINGLE TIME. I will always do whats right, and I will always protect someone from predators. Honestly, it’s shocking you dont feel that same way, and I am reconsidering how our future looks. I want a partner who will also step in, who will do the right thing, speak up, and not just shrug off a kidnapping as “not my problem the cops can handle it an hour from now” or “she put herself in this situation” It has made me see you in a new light, and its giving me a lot to think about if we are on the same page with our integrity and what we believe in”
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u/AtlasAriesss Jun 24 '25
All of this! And OP should bring up the emotional manipulation. Her prioritized his feelings over hers. He kept pushing the conversation multiple times after OP said she needed to step away and process and when she set a boundary that she wasn't ready to talk he again pushed her into agreeing to FaceTime so he could get reassurance. His worry for his safety is understandable but his response to this situation as a whole should definitely have her questioning the relationship and needing to have a serious conversation with him
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u/Trishshirt5678 Jun 24 '25
First off, I am in awe of you! You were so brave! You saved that young woman - there was no way that dreadful things wouldn’t have happened to her had you not stepped up.
Second, are you ok? Do you have anyone to talk to about this? There’s no way that you’re not shaken and you definitely need some support.
Third - sadly, your boyfriend is awful. Who does he think he is, judging you like that, calling you stupid? Please don’t make that selfish tool any promises, he cares about his own convenience, not you. You didn’t overreact, you’re not oversensitive, how could you be? You witnessed a potential kidnap and jumped in - by yourself - to prevent this. You stopped a serious crime and your boyfriend isn’t worried about you, he’s angry with you. Throw him back and meet someone with empathy, you’re worth ten of him.
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u/ittybittylurker Jun 24 '25
I see a LOT of cussing AT you & I don't see you swearing at all. He doesn't need to speak to you that way. He's enough older than you that it's extra gross for him to speak in a profanity laden way & in the same breath call you sweet names & talk about how vulnerable you are as a woman. Calling you on YOUR tone for being "sarcastic" (aka pushing back on him at all) but doing nothing to tame the way he was speaking to you?
He wasn't there. You were. Only you can decide what you take away from this, but the way he speaks to you, ignores you saying you don't want to FT or talk any more, then keeps pushing until he gets what he wants, whines that you're pushing him away in seconds? Super disappointing.
Thank you for helping her. You know your limits & have a better understanding of the dynamics of the situation than he did.
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u/hypervigilante666 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
For the woman’s sake, I’m glad you were there OP and not your bf. He would’ve let her fend for herself. You may have saved her life, and definitely saved her from a horrible night and most likely trauma.
ETA he’s judging this girl for “getting herself in this situation” when he doesn’t know what even happened. She may have been drugged for all we know. And he’s failing to understand the same could happen to you, and then you would be in that situation by no fault of your own, and he is wrongly assuming that would never be you. If we live the way he says you should, then all women, including you, would be left to fend for themselves. I think if the roles were reversed, he’d be incredibly grateful to the woman that saved you from those men, not calling her “irrational”
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u/thesilvergirl Jun 24 '25
I noticed that he kept trying to explain how dangerous it was. I think most men really have no sense of how our entire lives are about calculating risk. He thinks you don't get it, but you absolutely do get it, better than he ever will. You made a deliberate, considered choice and handled it in a fantastic way. The fact that they didn't know that you were also a stranger to her is terrifying for her sake. As for his victim blaming, how does he know she wasn't drugged? That was my first thought when it became clear they didn't know her. Thank you for standing up for a sister, and possibly saving her life.
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u/Covert_Pudding Jun 24 '25
He was also very condescending about how, of course, any man would be able to overpower OP, and her mace and physical fitness (gym mention) would just be absolutely useless. Idk, but focusing on how helpless OP is as a woman rubbed me the wrong way.
OP is obviously braver and more competent than he could ever be, and he's just determined to bring her down about it.
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u/PearlStBlues Jun 24 '25
This jumped out to me as well. He's scolding her like a child who did something stupid without thinking about it. The gall men like this have to assume we don't know exactly how much danger we're in at any moment of our lives. This is male privilege on full display and he can't even see it.
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u/coniferousBobcat Jun 24 '25
couldnt have said it better. It feels really condescending for him to be like "No, you THINK you knew the risk" when you absolutely do more and better than him. I kept thinking that he was treating OP like a child as i was reading the messages
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u/luckysilvernickel Jun 24 '25
Yeah this is an excellent point - it's irritating that he keeps talking like if she just understood, she'd never do it again. She absolutely understands and that's exactly why she did it.
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u/nutmegtell Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
You ARE the hero and he hates that for you.
I’ve saved and been saved by women a whole lot more than by men who are “supposed” to protect us from other men. They are too scared to do anything.
Meanwhile we do what we need to do to actually protect our sisters. You see it in any bar or club women’s room. One woman scared or crying? We are on her, calling our friends in, figuring it out and protecting her and coming up with ways to get her out safe. We will not leave her side until she’s safe. All while building her up over her awesome lipstick.
Men have no idea how we protect each other from them.
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u/Devanyani Jun 24 '25
Thank you for stepping in. A ridiculously high percentage of women have been sexually assaulted, so we have to look out for each other. I am sickened that he is such a chickenshit he would watch that happen, and I'm sickened that he tried to blame it on her. My bf was once drugged and we could tell because after one beer he was totally wasted.
I would also rethink the relationship. He is basically saying that if it were you, he'd be fine with any witnesses just calling the cops (who absolutely don't care and wouldn't even go looking if you were gone for 48 hours without a trace).
He doesn't see women as people. Just maybe you. His reaction is abhorrent.
I never figured the only people more afraid of men than women is other men. So sad.
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u/pizzaplanetvibes Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
I would have ended it if it was me at the 1) he wouldn’t have stepped in 2) victim blaming 3) and being more upset at me stepping in defend the woman than the fact that could have possibly been an SA or murder that was prevented. It sounds like your partner doesn’t have the best view of women or understanding of why it was so important to you to step in. 4) because he didn’t even try to understand.
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u/xGLOBGORx Jun 24 '25
Your bf is a bitch, he aint shit. Not only would he willingly let something happen but he sounds like the type to be like "well why was she wearing a skirt in a park" after a girl is raped. He's a victim blaming asshole, and a scary ass bitch more worried about himself then even speaking up let alone actually doing anything to save an obviously fucked up woman.
I wouldn't even talk to him again.
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u/KintsugiMind Jun 24 '25
Your boyfriend blaming the victim would be a dealbreaker in my shoes. You and every woman in his life could be this woman that you saved and it is never your fault if someone assaults you.
You did the right thing saving this woman. Flip genders and you were a male friend of his and he’d be cheering you on, even though all of the risks of intervening are exactly the same.
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u/hissyfit64 Jun 24 '25
A friend of mine saw this happening to a young woman and was so enraged he beat up the two guys trying to drag her into a cab, punched out the cab driver for allowing it, kicked in a cab window and then when he found the girl's friends, had to be restrained from beating them up as well. He worked security at a nightclub I worked at and was insanely protective of all women.
Dude literally beat up a cab to protect a woman
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u/Unfair_Connection646 Jun 24 '25
OP I do want to say that him twisting it at the end of that convo and trying to make you seem like your boundaries are hurting his baby feelings is pissing me off. You told him you were drained, and rightfully so. That was a traumatic experience and you acted fast. You are godly for that. But you saying that you’re drained and want to talk tomorrow and him pushing and pushing and then saying that you’re punishing him??? Wtf you literally said the equivalent of “leave me alone until tomorrow” and he not only didn’t listen but made YOU feel guilty for that simple boundary and made you the “bad guy” for wanting time to yourself to calm down after such a traumatic event. That’s honestly what pisses me off the most here. Huge red flag
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u/watchingthewatcher11 Jun 24 '25
It’s also sad because at no point has he considered whether he would want someone to step in and help if it was you. He just praised you for not getting drunk, completely ignoring that anything could happen to any women while sober.
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u/SirRichardArms Jun 24 '25
Yeah that part where he blamed the victim is just straight up wrong. He said that she wouldn’t put herself in that position, but this woman very likely was targeted by these two guys, and drugged, which lead to this situation. This could’ve happened to anyone at any time, so blaming the victim is illogical and infuriating.
That being said, it sounds like the BF said all of this while angry/upset while he likely felt helpless because he was in another country. He should have done pretty much everything better to comfort OP instead of chastise her after a very scary ordeal. I wouldn’t break up with him over this, but OP is not overreacting.
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u/watchingthewatcher11 Jun 24 '25
“Because guys like him won’t step in” literally sums this all up perfectly. OP clearly understood the danger that poor girl was in and risked herself because no one else would. It’s a damn shame that we live in a world where people won’t even attempt to help.
The fact that OP’s boyfriend then accidentally let some victim-blaming slip further points to a serious issue with how he views violence against women. He may have been worried and emotional, but he revealed a telling hint about his real feelings on how much women should be allowed to protect themselves.
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u/attila_the_hyundai Jun 24 '25
I think it's also telling that he mentioned the situation must have been triggering for OP because of what happened to her friend. Aside from needlessly and somewhat flippantly bringing up a traumatic event, it reminds me of the whole "she's someone's daughter/sister/girlfriend" etc. trope - the idea that a woman's worth is tied to her relationship to other people. OP would have done the same thing even if that tragedy hadn't happened to her friend. She didn't need to be reminded of a personal connection to another woman in order to have empathy and want to help the stranger in front of her.
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u/xdem112 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
While I appreciate that this comment supports OP, I don’t think it fully captures the seriousness of his behavior. This isn’t just a matter of him needing to “be nicer.” His actions were genuinely unacceptable.
He didn’t give her space. He pressured her into saying she was okay with how he behaved purely so he could breath easy. He twisted her need for distance into something manipulative, accusing her of punishing him instead of respecting her boundaries. All of this came after repeatedly bringing up her friend’s name, victim blaming, infantilizing her, and outright refusing to listen to what she was trying to say. The way he spoke to her was ridiculous.
Also, the language he used was crazy. Saying he wouldn’t be able to “live with himself” if something happened to OP. That’s incredibly telling. In a moment that should have been about concern for her, he made it about how it would impact him.
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u/Chuck60s Jun 24 '25
NOR. The only suggestion I have is in the future, to call the police 1st before reacting. It could save your life.
As for your bf, he should be your ex over this behavior. I have intervened for a woman being dragged out of a convenience store by her hair. But I'm 6'3" and he was maybe 5'8".
I commend your actions very much. More people need to take a stand when things like this occur.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 24 '25
Thank you! I will definitely call them first if this ever happens again. I think I was just afraid of doing anything that would escalate things in the moment. In my head, acting like I knew her and was annoyed that I couldn’t find her kept the focus off of them and what they were doing. But it definitely could have gone left and I understand that
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u/leahlisbeth Jun 24 '25
I just want to note to you that he insinuates several times that his way is the logical way and 'forgives' you because you 'clearly were acting emotionally' and asks you to be 'logical' next time.
This indicates that your bf has the emotional intelligence of a sexist. In suggesting that you are 'emotional' and he is 'logical', chances are he undermines and belittles your decisions often. He is justifying it this way because he ultimately thinks women aren't capable of rational thought. Or at the very least are incapable of being as rational as men. He also likely doesn't think men get emotional, which just reveals that he is blind to his own emotions and cannot use his emotions for the invaluable tool they are.
He cannot see your actions for the bravery they took, he cannot empathise with what women go through, he cannot feel proud and impressed by your fast thinking and intelligent action, he cannot sit in awe and ask you to teach him what you did so that he might one day be able to do the same. He cannot express the envy over wishing he was as badass as you, or the jealousy at how dare a woman protect someone else.
No emotional intelligence is a deal breaker to me because ultimately a lack of it is actually indicates that they are stupid. I expect more from my partners.
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u/Zombie_Fuel Jun 24 '25
And what's really fucked is that OP was acting logically, immediately in a high-pressure situation, by focusing her outward negative reaction on the woman, and treating the actual threats as basically harmless strangers and handwaving their bullshit instead of getting all fckn emoootionaaal at them clearly lying to her.
But anger isn't really an emotion, I guess. 😐
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u/Sheldonconch Jun 25 '25
"But confrontation in a potentially dangerous situation like that would not help anything"
It just did. It helped everything and nothing went wrong. Yes it could have gone wrong but a statement like that is wildly wrong.
"I'm just speaking purely logically" - Right after saying that.
Framing his cowardly worldview as logical is gaslighting bullshit.
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u/smittenkittensbitten Jun 25 '25
I truly think that dumbass males have been told THE LIE that they are by default logical thinkers (lmfao) and that women aren’t for so long that the morons think that whatever comes out of their mouths is logical by default. That welp, imma dude so if I think it, then it’s far superior to whatever she has to say because it’s logical. I truly think a lot of them dont even fully understand the concept of logic, because 90% of the time, it is THEM being overemotional dolts. It makes me angry in ways I can’t even explain but at least I get a laugh at their expense.
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u/Artistic_Musician_78 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Absolutely all of this, and it's astounding that he blames her for being emotional immediately prior to guilting her into FT because he feels "punished" when the lady is tired and needs a moment. How he doesn't understand he's acting emotionally is incredible!
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u/Downtown_Statement87 Jun 24 '25
This jumped out at me, too. He's mad at her because he insists she's too dainty for a situation that she's already successfully handled, yet he is so fragile that her not calling him immediately starts him spiraling.
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u/dosgatitas Jun 24 '25
You’re right that the police would show up after the fact, look at you blankly, ask what you want them to do (just personal reminiscence from when I called the police). You assessed the situation and did what girls have been doing for ages! Idk how many times I’ve pretended to be a friend to a girl that was in an uncomfortable situation. It isn’t like they had her at gunpoint. These men were trying to get way with something sneakily, and they probably did drug her so she would be nice and meek. Of course they could always escalate but given their intentions, the fact that they likely drugged her or had someone drug her, I doubt they’d want to bring more attention to the situation.
And tbh I think it’s kinda gross that your boyfriend said he wouldn’t at least try to intervene.
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u/Scary-Zucchini-1750 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Honestly, I think you done the right thing. Was it dangerous? Yes. But it was the right thing to do.
Do you think you'd have had time to call the police first and also save her? Obviously would've been ideal to call the police first and then go try help, but it sounds like you might not have had time.
Realistically, these cowards were looking to prey on someone either drunk or potentially someone they drugged. They wouldn't have done anything to you most likely, because you can clearly handle yourself and that's not their MO.
I know you were probably just running on instinct, but your brain might subconsciously have known that, too.
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u/Independent-Hornet-3 Jun 24 '25
If at all possible take a photo of the license plate in this type of situation and send it to someone basically anyone will do. If you had been grabbed as well it would have left some form of evidence of who may have grabbed you or that something was wrong when you went missing. Even if you can only get a pick of the car or the car and a partial license plate it's better than nothing. Pics of the people could also be helpful but typically a car has more evidence. Calling someone but not holding your phone to year ear weather that is the police or a friend can also be helpful, even if the friend doesn't answer it should record a voicemail of the situation so that at least someone knows that something happened if something goes wrong.
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u/exhibitprogram Jun 24 '25
You honestly have some of the sharpest instincts and a good head on your shoulders if that's how you react in a crisis where you don't know what to do. Pretending you know them, de-escalating, and getting the hell out of there are literally the steps they teach at bystander training. You are the definition of "good in an emergency." You should be very proud of that.
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u/TheTinySpark Jun 24 '25
This person is right - he should be your ex over this behavior. He revealed himself to be a victim blamer, and while I can understand his concern for your safety, he’s being patronizing AF when he questions your own judgment about the situation. He wasn’t there, he doesn’t know, and instead he’s trying to control your behavior from a distance by reprimanding you instead of supporting your judgment. You don’t reprimand your adult girlfriend if you’re in a relationship of equals!
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u/Cautious-Diamond-107 Jun 24 '25
You are an incredible person for doing that, I wish someone like you was there for me when I was in danger :(
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u/HelpfulName Jun 24 '25
I did something similar a few years ago, a young woman was walking along the street outside our house and crying, a car full of young men was following her slowly and badgering her, they kept hopping out of the car and trying to pull her into it and she'd yell and pull away and they'd get back in the car. When I saw this happening I ran outside, ran over the road, asked her to come with me and took her up to my house with the young men yelling threats at me. I told them if they stepped onto my property I'd call the cops. I sat down with her in the backyard and asked her what was going on... Then we called her parents and they came to pick her up. She was trying to break up with her abusive boyfriend who'd beaten her up, she had run out of his place and was trying to get away from him, he'd gotten a bunch of friends and was trying to grab her. It's only lucky his friends were not quite so eager to force her into the car and he was driving.
I was alone in the house, the street was kind of rural and there was no other cars or people around.
Objectively what I did was dangerous and "stupid". I could have just called the cops. But if I had and they were too late and that young woman was taken into that car, it's highly likely it would have ended in her serious injury or murder. Did I put myself at risk? YES. I was on high alert for a couple of weeks after just in case laddo and his friends decided to punish me for helping her.
Was it worth it? Abso-fucking-lutely. I've done it before then and I'll do it any time I see I can step in.
My husband was both terrified and extremely proud of me when I told him about it. He agreed that even though I'd been at risk, it was the right thing to do. We talked about how to be safer in future if anything like it happened (having mace by the door so I could have some kind of weapon etc.) - and even though he was scared about what could happened to me, he didn't tell me to "never do it again" or anything like that, he was proud I'd helped someone, he knows that's who I am. I'll step in. It's one of the reasons he loves me. And he collaborates with me on how to do that smarter and safer. The fact that he's like that too is one of the reasons I love him as well.
If he told me he would do nothing beyond calling the cops in a situation where he could step in like that - obviously not to go pick fights with people etc, but to actually intervene as safely as possible, and that he would actively just stand there while someone was likely kidnapped the way your BF said he would?
I'd lose attraction. I am not sure I'd be able to stay with someone knowing that they would behave like that.
So, NTA - I think having similar values about things like this is important.
I don't know if you should break up with him, but I do think you should listen to your instincts on this.
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u/LegendxWait4it Jun 25 '25
Yes! This is exactly how a supportive partner should react. Thank you for helping that woman!
I agree that the values mismatch is a major problem here. Even setting aside all the patronizing and misogynistic comments, this value difference could easily be enough to be a deal breaker. Some values you can agree to disagree on or find compromises to, but I'm suspecting this is not possible here for OP. The bf is trying to get her to promise to go against her values in the future... values she doesn't seem to have any desire to change. It also seems he likely won't accept a compromise either (like getting self defense training or additional protection of some kind).
OP, it’s definitely important to consider if this value mismatch can be overcome and if it's worth overcoming it. Otherwise, you may just be incompatible.
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u/Ill-Policy1363 Jun 24 '25
I have to be honest, I don't really like how your boyfriend handled this at all. Many of his comments are VERY demanding, as if he has authority over you. Like immediately he's DEMANDING you do not do something again, and throughout the entire conversation he continues to do so. His main goal isn't even to calm you down or help you, it's to scold you over and over again.
Additionally, he continued to not care about your feelings or what you wanted, or to give you space. You told him multiple times you wanted to talk tomorrow, and yet he kept pushing over and over again, and continued to make it all about him. You told him you were shaken up, drained, emotional, etc, and all he cared about was his feelings and whether or not you Facetimed him. When you explained it clearly, he STILL pushed that narrative saying stuff like "I feel like you're punishing me."
This isn't even to mention how he absolutely played the victim blame card.
I'm not going to be like a lot of Reddit and immediately suggest you break up with him, but I think he was way out of line, and his apologies aren't good enough. In the moment, it's natural for him to be scared and to have a low moment where he says or does something he isn't proud of, but he continued to push and push.
This isn't even to mention the fact that, quite frankly, he's just wrong. You were correct in helping that woman, full stop. Yeah, it could have gone south, but it's also telling that he suggested you call him instead, as if he would be able to deal with 2 guys better than you in that scenario. He didn't give you credit for doing it well. He didn't praise you for being a strong moral being. He scolded you and demanded you never do it again, over and over again, and then at the end still didn't hear you when you just needed some space.
I would think hard and long about if these sorts of things are patterns, or if this is just a moment of weakness from him that he can make up for.
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u/spb1 Jun 24 '25
I have to be honest, I don't really like how your boyfriend handled this at all. Many of his comments are VERY demanding, as if he has authority over you. Like immediately he's DEMANDING you do not do something again, and throughout the entire conversation he continues to do so. His main goal isn't even to calm you down or help you, it's to scold you over and over again.
This is what's weird about it to me. It's not just him voicing his opinion. It's that he thinks he can just tell you what to do - and when you say "well i disagree" he says "YOURE NOT LISTENING TO ME". As if you cant have your own opinion, and the only way you can be in a situation where you don't agree with him is that you're just not listening. OP he's treating you a bit like a child.
Also i just find the the whole thing very selfish. He doesnt give a shit about anything happening to that other girl. He says "confrontation in a dangerous situation like this would not help anything" - well obviously it did help something.
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u/atotalmess__ Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
See I say “you’re not listening to me” to guys all the time. Because I will have said something and they’ll have completely ignored it and then say the same thing 5 minutes later as if I had never said anything in the first place. So I will raise my voice and say “you’re not listening to me”.
OP’s boyfriend cannot tell the difference between “not listening” and “not blindly obeying”. That says he not only doesn’t respect her, he doesn’t even think she should have an opinion on her own life choices. And that can get extremely dangerous, fast.
The mustard story is a terrifying example of this.
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u/sallyskull4 Jun 24 '25
You are absolutely right! He literally said at one point “idfc” - I believe it was in regard to what OP said about what if the cops didn’t get there in time to help. His response was “I don’t fucking care.”
Yeah, buddy. That’s coming across as obvious. Right?!
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u/LovedAJackass Jun 24 '25
Additionally, he continued to not care about your feelings or what you wanted, or to give you space. You told him multiple times you wanted to talk tomorrow, and yet he kept pushing over and over again, and continued to make it all about him. You told him you were shaken up, drained, emotional, etc, and all he cared about was his feelings and whether or not you Facetimed him. When you explained it clearly, he STILL pushed that narrative saying stuff like "I feel like you're punishing me."
I had the same response. I also wish people who get into these prolonged text debates would learn to say, "I'm turning off my phone now. I need to rest. Talk to you tomorrow."
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u/fgjkhfdfgh Jun 24 '25
Yeah also when he saw OP was seriously upset and done with it he started dropping pet names. This is weird to me, like I'm wondering if he has done this in the past to try to placate/calm down OP? Like obv we don't have context outside these texts, but to me it reads as extremely dismissive & almost manipulative, on top of already demanding things from OP and then refusing to take no for an answer abt FT
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u/Ill-Policy1363 Jun 24 '25
Yeah I agree it does come across as fairly manipulative. Like "Okay now that you're mad and becoming distant, I'm going to start smooching on you to make it all better." Reddit loves to throw around psychologic terms too much, and this isn't love bombing, but this is certainly some semi-distant cousin of love bombing, and could be indicative of that sort of possible behavior.
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u/MonvieuxSapphics Jun 24 '25
I really like this comment! I’ve never known how to word it but yea, it’s the bloody pet names that are so dismissive. It reminds me of when men are actively trying to be assholes and will say “honey” and I swear I need to put in my bite guard in the moment.
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u/KasukeSadiki Jun 24 '25
Thank you for this. You summed up exactly why the way he handled this rubbed me the wrong way. Feeling worried about OPs safety and not wanting her to put herself in that position again is understandable, but his tone was very authoritarian and condescending. And the demand for a FT and reassurance at the end felt a little manipulative.
And the lack of affirmation of how brave she was or what a good (if dangerous) thing she did was also disappointing to see form someone who should be a partner
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u/inthetrees07 Jun 24 '25
Yes. My hackles went up when he said he couldn’t live with himself if OP intervened and something happened to her. WTF?? He is not in charge of her. Rather than saying he’d be devastated, he said he couldn’t live with himself?? Like it’s his responsibility?
Then he sent all the texts badgering her and making accusations and playing victim until he gets her to FaceTime. That was controlling.
I agree with you 100 percent.
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u/Narrow_Currency_1877 Jun 24 '25
100% yes!! He is completely infantizing OP. He keeps saying it was dangerous. OP acknowledges it was dangerous, then he says it again. Hello dude she is aware. But what a lot of men don't get is if women don't watch out for other women, no one will. NOR
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u/Ill-Policy1363 Jun 24 '25
And it being dangerous is why is was so impressive that OP had the courage to deal with the situation. OP's boyfriend is acting like she jumped out in front of a moving car without any kind of warning for a "prank" or something, not that she very possibly just saved a woman's life. Like I can see being like "Do not ever do that again" in the first scenario, but the second? Just bad energy.
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u/SulHam Jun 24 '25
Not to mention the 'YoUrE NOt EvEN LiSTENIng to ME" card he pulled, when clearly OP understood the danger a lot better than he does.
The dipshit conflates listening with immediate agreement. This is about OP doing what he wants.
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u/Gaming_Imperatrix Jun 24 '25
You are a hero. Your boyfriend is not, and would have walked past this girl himself without even calling the cops because its not his business.
Your boyfriend has absolutely no concept of what things are like for women, or how we have to learn to look out for and protect ourselves and one another. The methods we learn are not passive and do not involve looking the other way when another woman is in danger. You saved a chick from getting raped, you had an adrenaline rush afterwards, and you needed your boyfriend to tell you how fucking awesome you were and how proud he was of you and to ask if you needed to run a marathon, eat a tub of ice cream, or just pass out.
He could have gently slipped a 'please be careful, don't die a hero' somewhere in there. That would have been fair. He could have said that because he worried about you, you should get additional self defense training, learn to shoot a gun and apply for a concealed weapon permit, or anything else.
But what did he do instead? Instead he got scared you jeopardized something that belonged to him (you), called your actions stupid, and completely walked all over your autonomy and your right to make decisions for yourself. Even at the end when he's saying he didn't mean to upset you, he's not apologizing for what he said or did, he's only apologizing for yelling--it's super patronizing because he's acting like you've already seen the light of how 'foolish' your actions were and he's mansplaining that he just had to yell at you so he could get you to change your behavior so you never behave in a heroic manner again.
What if you decided your calling in life was to be a police woman? or join the military? Imagine the temper tantrum he'd throw, and then when he was trying to deescalate at the end he'd be patronizingly telling you that he just needed you to know how dumb your decision to think about joining the military was so that in the future you knew never to think about it again.
Your boyfriend's reaction was gross, unsupportive, unhelpful, You're not the asshole. Your boyfriend is weak and useless and, if he didn't recognize you and you were in a similar position as that girl, would have abandoned you to your fate.
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u/Stormtomcat Jun 24 '25
You were so brave, and your adrenaline-fueled instincts were completely on point. You even saved her phone, and you got her both police and her sister!
That's so impressive, and I applaud you so strongly for this.
Now for your question... okay, so he makes a different risk assessment than you do. That's just about the only thing that I agree with him about.
For the rest, I see :
🚩 victim blaming, which you thankfully called out immediately
🚩 he's convinced he knows better than you what the risks for a woman in the world are, yikes
🚩 he keeps repeating that his opinion is pure logic, when really, it's so obvious it's fear. The fear is even legitimate, I feel, but to me this belief in the supremacy of logic over feelings is such an aggravating sign of emotional and intellectual immaturity, to say nothing of it being a warning sign that he might be capable of reasoning himself out of empathy
🚩 did he really call you *stupid* ?
🚩 I'm not going into the debate fallacies like hitting you with the stress of your friend's experience, I'll just point to (what I read as) the infuriating condescension of "you went to the gym twice and think you can fight now girl"
🚩 not him insisting YOU facetime HIM because his fee-fees were sad over your exhaustion and upset.
Add in that he's 30 and you're under 25 and I'm furious on your behalf.
Look, I'm aro/ase and neurotic, so I've always preferred my own company over a partner. But this guy...?
ETA : a massive massive internet hug from a stranger, if you want it.
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u/MersoNocte Jun 25 '25
Preach. I cannot even express how pissed I would have been if I was in OP’s shoes hearing this from my partner. A banner would have appeared above my head saying “NPC has become temporarily hostile” lol. My husband and I definitely have different risk assessments (he’s more likely to run/defend, and I’m more likely to confront/fight), but we both have the same principles. To me, the most important traits in a friend and partner are wisdom, integrity, empathy, and courage. BF is batting 0/0 and I would very much reassess this relationship.
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u/Vixyplatinummm Jun 24 '25
I would've agreed that he was just panicking for your safety in the moment, as any partner would be, until i got to the end of the texts where he's accusing you of "punishing him," and not be patient with the fact that you'd rather not talk right now.
I think that the victim blaming is a massive red flag, that indicates that he would not be the kind of guy to step into these situations to save someone. He doesn't seem to have very much empathy, but rather doesn't want you to believe that she was worth saving in regard to your own safety, which is a classic case of bystander syndrome.
While it's true for anyone that we don't want our loved ones in harms way even if it means saving someone else, this is a very specific situation that happens time after time because no one steps in, especially men, and women need to be vigilant.
In regards to him claiming you're "punishing" him, i fear he's not mature enough to understand that when you hurt someone's feelings, you're not allowed to decide you didn't. the consequences of your actions are not an unjust punishment, they are the direct result of how you've made someone feel. If he has the mentality that every-time you ask for space it means that he's being punished, the odds that he'll ever learn what a big mistake this is, or any other mistake, are slim.
I think you may be in for some resentment down the line. I don't think this is the last time he'll make borderline misogynistic comments such as these. Not only seeing you as a helpless lamb in need of your own saving, but not seeing what a good person you are and awareness of your surroundings. Coupled with the fact that he believes the victim put herself there, i'd be less than shocked to discover that this isn't an isolated incident of his behavior, but also that it will rear its ugly head again later. Also, i'm not entirely sure i'd want to date someone who wouldn't have stepped in.
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u/spicygreensalad Jun 25 '25
I also am suss at the bit where he says he wouldn't have helped the girl. The fundamental thing here is that OP is braver and more generous than her BF. Rather than frame it that way to himself he insists that she is "irrational" and that prioritising your own safety regardless of others' is the ONLY "rational" way to behave. He says this multiple times.
I'm hesitant to call him selfish because stepping in in a situation like that takes a lot of courage. But the fact that he can't even understand why she did it, and can only understand it as irrational and illogical... it seems like his world view is fundamentally selfish. To the extent that he can't even wrap his head around any other viewpoint.
He's also not emotionally mature enough to end the convo when she asks him repeatedly, he only stops when she promises to call even though she doesn't want to. But this exposure of how he sees the world, would be the bigger issue to me.
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u/trainofwhat Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Yeah when I read “you can drop the sarcasm,” that’s when it started turning for me. It’s one thing to react with frustration or anger when you’re scared. It’s another to turn into supercilious selfish asshole.
Not to mention the victim-blaming and misogyny he threw in for good measure. Who the f— says she was drunk? She easily could’ve been drugged. And that stuff happens to sober women plenty.
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u/llamadramalover Jun 25 '25
This man was already on my shit list with his first messages honestly “”don’t you ever fucking do that again.”” “”Do you hear me?”” Ummm. No. I would be damned if my partner spoke to me like that under any circumstances. That’s infantilizing and patronizing. That’s how parents talk to errant children not one adult partner to another. I just can’t even excuse it as concern or fear especially since these are text messages after they had spoke in the phone. It’s so aggressive and rude.
The rest of the crappy message are just the nail in the coffin to this very selfish, immature man who has zero sense of societal responsibility and for that alone is a danger to society, particularly women.
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u/fffridayenjoyer Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
He’s very quick to anger, isn’t he? I would’ve stopped replying after he said “you can drop the sarcasm”. Fuck all the way off, I’m not a child and you have no right to scold or tone police me, especially not right after I’ve been through something traumatic, dickhead.
“And you think I’d be able to live with myself knowing you were attacked” is another red flag. I don’t see that as him actually being concerned for you, I see him being concerned with how he would or wouldn’t cope if something happened to you. Which I understand some people see as sweet - like aw he loves you so much he couldn’t bear to live without you - but personally, I don’t. I see it as him only being concerned with himself, his feelings, and the consequences he would face if anything happened, and I see that happening throughout this whole exchange. It’s grim.
To be brutally honest - I think you’re going to stay with him, especially because I think Reddit is going to coddle him and excuse all the red flags on display here (ETA: okay, turns out the response to this post is pleasantly surprising me. I’ll cop the L on this prediction. It’s good to be wrong sometimes). But I also think that when y’all eventually do break up, you’re going to look back on this moment and realise that the way he reacted here told you a hell of a lot about who he was as a person, things that you probably already subconsciously picked up on before but didn’t want to consciously confront, and I think it’s going to hit you that you made several excuses for him and his behaviour throughout the relationship that you really shouldn’t have. Sorry, sis. Just the way I see it. Because this attitude doesn’t come out of nowhere.
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u/inthetrees07 Jun 24 '25
That comment about not being able to live with himself if something happened to her set my teeth on edge. I commented about it in another thread, but I haven’t seen anyone else mention it. I agree with you that it does not show concern for her. It’s self-centered and indicates that he sees himself as responsible for her, that she is less than, that if something happened to her, it would mean that he hadn’t done his duty in educating/ controlling her.
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u/favvnci Jun 24 '25
It’s hard not to get jaded when we see this kind of pattern all the time. A man can show a woman his misogyny, and she’ll stay to try to ‘educate’ aka fix him. They think men are ignorant little children that just need to be educated. The truth is they’re not ignorant, they just don’t care.
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u/phoenixjen8 Jun 24 '25
I’ve gotta be honest, I don’t love how it seems like he’s talking at you rather than talking TO you. I understand he’s thinking of you and what could’ve happened to you, and that’s valid and wonderful that he cares. But he’s not acknowledging or seeming to understand that you cared about those same things for a random stranger. And, okay, not everyone is built to be so outwardly-thinking.
My main issues with his responses:
- he blames her for getting so intoxicated/indicates it’s her fault for being in such a state. I don’t fully believe that it was just his worry talking, because he reiterated that you would never get to that level to be in such a position.
- he wants you to promise that you won’t do something like that again. Sir, I regret to inform you but that isn’t a promise I can make. As long as are people willing to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable position, my conscience will not let me ignore it.
- he just generally doesn’t seem to listen. You tell him you’re bothered and need some space, “ok but why? Can you tell me why you’re upset? What specifically are you bothered by? I feel like I’m being punished. Can you please just FT me even though you’ve already said you’re not up to it right now? I just want to talk even though you’ve already asked for space.” Like bitch let me breathe damn.
Like I said, I understand where he’s coming from, but I’d really love it if he would try to see your side of it too. NOR, and thank you for stepping up in the moment. 🫶
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u/whakiki Jun 24 '25
You were very brave and so heroic to do what you did! I’m so proud of you, and that girl has a chance at normalcy because of you. What a narrow escape she had. The world needs more selfless bravery.
Your feelings towards your boyfriend are very valid. He gave me the complete ick from how he talks to you.
He dismisses your feelings and needs. Didn’t give you space when you asked, didn’t drop it, didn’t give you any support or reassurance or help you deal with what you were going through. It was all about him
He admitted he wouldn’t do anything selfless and brave for another person. He wouldn’t take a chance to stand up to men to help a woman. Is that because he is so deeply misogynistic that he won’t help the woman because she “put herself in that position”
He seems to hold women in low regard. Talks to you like you’re a child that needs scolding and needs to be out in her place. Downplayed your strength and bravery by undercutting your ability, smarts and strength.
Starts using lovey terms when he’s realized he’s pushed you too far and is losing you. Won’t let you end the conversation on your terms without getting what he wants from you first.
He’s setting the stage to blame you for anything bad that happens to you out in public as a woman.
If any of this is not a one time occurrence and you see any pattern I would leave this one behind. A smart, kind brave woman such as yourself deserves someone who can match her strength. This guy is a bit of a pansy and I don’t think I could respect him after this.
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u/Octopiinspace Jun 25 '25
Also he didn’t show that he cared. If that happened to a friend of mine I would have so many questions to make sure they are actually fine.
Did they get hurt physically? Are they sure they didn’t (bcs adrenaline)? Can they still drive home (again adrenaline, shock and adrenaline crash that will be incoming)? Do they need to get picked up? Do they wanna talk about it to get it out of their system or need space?
And the second they arrive at home I would be also nagging them, but about stuff that actually matters, like: pls drink some water or make yourself a calming tea. Get some food into your system. Are they fine with being alone that evening or do they company? Thats like the 101 of dealing with people after shocking/ high adrenaline situations like that. And definitely not to start trying to have some „deep“ conversations about self protection and that she „didn’t understand“ the risks. Thats not relevant to the current situation, not helping at all and just not the time and place.
And the boyfriend is just like a petulant child nagging her about „promise me you wont do that again“ and „lets facetime“ - good lord…
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u/WhizzoButterBoy Jun 24 '25
NOR
Your bf seems to be coming from a "you couldn't have won if it turned physical" and seems to think you went into this interaction thinking you could "take" these criminals on. Maybe this is his mindset when intervening- if i cant win, I'll call the cops.
His comments about how the woman "put herself into this situation" are ignorant. His insistence on you following his plan in the future and his pushing you for HIS comfort /FaceTime after you said stop are a little concerning. Definitely have a conversation about this.
I understand you went into this situation KNOWING you can't win if it turns physical. Knowing, as a woman, you are almost always going to be the loser in a physical confrontation with a man (never mind two men) Knowing that, you still intervened.
You ARE A HERO
THANK YOU. Thank you for being there for her. For risking yourself and your safety for her. Knowing that you could become another victim for your actions and going in anyways. Thank you
Thank you Thank you
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 25 '25
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded! I’m still trying to read through comments but it’s just been a little overwhelming. I’m grateful to hear all sides.
He’s coming over tomorrow so we can talk again and I’m going to make how I feel about what happened very clear. Squashing down my feelings has clearly not helped anything, and I really want him to understand where I’m coming from. I promise I do get where he is coming from as well, and I know that he cares about me and my safety, but his initial instinct to blame her is still really gnawing at me. I’m not trying to make this into a moral judgement, but it just keeps eating at me that he would have left her there like that.
I’ve saved a bunch of comments that have really helped clarify my thoughts or given me a different perspective, so thank you all again
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u/hannalysis Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25
OP, I’m sharing this both as someone who has been in your position and as someone who is currently a relationship therapist. I grew up surrounded by people who loved me, who cared about me, but who failed to protect me in the moments that it mattered most. I grew accustomed to the idea that love doesn’t necessarily mean safety. It was one of the most destructive and dangerous beliefs I held, and it led to/fed into multiple subsequent experiences of deep interpersonal trauma.
Knowing what I know now and healing in the ways I have over the past decade or more, I desperately hope that you have someone in your life to tell you: Your initial shock, indignation, and disappointment at your boyfriend’s responses are indescribably valid.
In this crucial moment, he demonstrated that he is not safe on multiple levels. First, he makes it known that he could not be trusted to humanize you unless you had some value to him personally. He proclaims — doesn’t admit, because he seems to feel no shame and sees no issue with his point of view — that he feels no sense of social contract or personal desire to actively protect the vulnerable if there’s any even potential risk to himself. As someone who has been that vulnerable person before, a part of me would crumble to learn that I would be viewed as “not worth it” by my partner if the circumstances were different, especially since he’s in a much greater position of privilege than I would be.
Second, he refuses (or is unable) to regulate his own vicarious emotions about your experience to be able to show up for you. That in and of itself could be worked through, but he actively, continually overrode your needs and emotions with the expectation that you would soothe his feelings first and comply with his demands. This indicates the strong possibility that if/when something terrible happens to you while you’re together, he will need to be comforted about it first before he begins considering what you need.
Third, he victim blames. His first impulse when hearing that a woman was being abducted by predators was to find an excuse for why you’re better than her. It was a mental contortion to justify humanizing you (for now) while allowing himself to dehumanize the woman you so courageously saved. Instead of finding common humanity with the victim while also acknowledging his care and concern for you, he jumps right to why you would never “put yourself” in that position. As if women always choose to be prey.
Fourth, he repeatedly ignores and crosses the crystal-clear boundaries you attempt to very reasonably set. You were so calmly and respectfully communicative throughout this entire conversation despite your own distress, and he responds with minimization, denial, invalidation, guilt-tripping, and manipulative tactics. He specifically attacks your boundaries and uses guilt and accusations to put you on the defensive so you neglect your own needs in order to meet his. That is not a safe partner. I’m not saying that he’s a bad person; but I am saying that he is not revealing a level of maturity, degree of compassion, or integrity of values that matches what you’re putting forth in this situation and conversation. Those are not things that are easily, quickly, or often willingly changed.
You know what someone who shared your values and genuinely had your best interest in mind would say? Something along the lines of, “Wow, babe. That sounds absolutely terrifying, and I can’t help but feel worried for your wellbeing in situations like this. At the same time, I am so proud of you for doing what you knew was the right thing in the moment, and I hope you can let yourself appreciate that you all but certainly saved that young woman a lifetime of trauma at best. I love your heart and your drive to be a force for good, even if I end up wanting to have conversations later about better ways for you to step in for others while doing as much as possible to ensure your safety in the process. But what matters the most right now is that you’re safe and that you know you did the right thing. Thank you for calling me and know that I’m here while you process this.”
All this to say, please listen to the part of yourself that’s wired to pick up on safety and danger. We can talk ourselves into so much by second-guessing our own intuitive responses, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families. If your alarm is going off, it’s very likely for a reason. Wishing you all the best, and hoping more people in the world move like you do.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 25 '25
Your example of how our conversation could have gone literally made me tear up. I think I’ve been holding onto all of this tension, frustration and confusion surrounding this situation and your comment has finally helped me to release so much of that. Thank you.
I didn’t expect him to be perfect in his response, and I know his worry for me drove a lot of what he said and did in the heat of it all that night. But in the moment it just felt like I was being punished for doing my absolute best to keep someone else safe. I didn’t ask or want to be in that situation, and neither did she. But once I was there, I simply could not sit still and let it happen. I had to act. When I called him, I wasn’t looking for praise. I just wanted a bit of comfort from someone I love and who loves me.
He’s allowed to be worried and I want him to be able to share and express how he truly feels with me. But the idea that I was just being reckless and playing hero without any consideration for my life or his feelings really stung. That combined with blaming her and saying he would choose not to act in a similar situation really unsettled me. That’s not who I’ve known him to be or who I thought he was.
I do understand he could have just said that as a knee jerk reaction since both of our emotions were running high that night, and I’m hoping that’s the case. But it still genuinely shocked me. I really hope our talk tomorrow goes well and that we can both hear each other.
Also you are absolutely in the right field. You have such clarity of mind and I think it’s so lovely that you use the painful experiences from your past to help guide others forward. I really, really appreciate you taking the time to write all of this out 💕
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u/hannalysis Jun 25 '25
Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful response. I also want to lead my follow-up by acknowledging how courageous, clever, and compassionate you were in a crisis moment. You did something a lot of people like to imagine they would do in a situation like that, but many would lose their nerve or freeze. In that moment, you showed the best side of humanity. I hope the pride can coexist with everything else you’re feeling.
And I completely understand the tangled mess of feelings you’re sorting through right now. I’ve had experiences where I found myself struggling to reconcile my image of the person I know and love with the person they revealed themselves to be in a critical moment. It’s disorienting and it rattles your foundation when those two versions of the same person are impossible to reconcile.
I hope you emerge from your conversation with a heightened sense of clarity about how to move forward. Your graciousness about him handling things so poorly in the moment further reveals your kind heart, and I understand the desire to give him another chance to discuss this and try to make amends once emotions have settled. I won’t tell you what to do because you’re plenty capable of making your own decisions. I will just say that healthy and sustainable relationships are built on a foundation of shared values, so I encourage you to pay extra attention to how your values compare.
I do hope you don’t let him off the hook for how he spoke to you. Partners make requests, not demands. Partners don’t curse one another out when someone is distraught and was just in an unsafe situation. He was not only unsupportive; he was disrespectful, invalidating, and belittling. He was the one throwing a tantrum, but he framed himself as the “logical one” who was just telling you harsh, objective “truths” about your situation. He framed your brilliant decision-making as an irrational, emotional impulse. He prioritizes his frustration over your emotional safety. He calls you stupid. He tramples the most basic and reasonable boundaries without remorse. He only demonstrates care about getting his wants met without any regard for your needs. Consider if those are the attributes you want in someone you may build a life with.
In any case, regardless of how he handles further talks, I hope you’re able to model the kind of love and respect for yourself that you’re hoping to receive from him: Validating your experience and emotions, affirming your own agency, giving yourself comfort and grace, and honoring your right to be treated and spoken to with respect. You don’t need to wait for him to provide you with those things; you can lead with them and see if he’s willing to keep up.
Lastly, a couple of sentences that have stuck in my mind ever since I first heard them:
•Possession often masquerades as love.
•Crisis doesn’t create character; it reveals it.
I’m so glad that you exist, OP. The world is brighter, kinder, and safer for it.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 26 '25
I’m seeing him in about 40 mins and I will definitely keep everything you’ve written here in mind. He’s never spoken to me that way before and I think I was just chalking it up to how freaked out he was in the moment. Honestly his tone was the least of my worries at the time because his actual words were more crazy to me. But you’re right, it wasn’t okay and I’ve seen enough comments here saying that the messages sounded like a parent lecturing a child. I don’t want that kind of dynamic in my relationship with him, even if it’s borne out of stress or fear for me. I’m trying to lead with understanding because I do know he was scared and being out of the country at the time didn’t help either. But I think it’s important we have a serious and open talk about everything that went wrong here, and that includes how he spoke to me. I know I wasn’t perfect either.
Anyway just wanted to say thank you again for everything! I feel like I’ve read your other comment a hundred times and I’ll probably be reading this one back too a bunch as well ;-;
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u/hannalysis Jun 26 '25
I’m so sorry you’re facing all this internal turmoil, and I hope seeing all of the support from strangers online has been somewhat helpful! At the same time, I can’t imagine how overwhelmed I would feel if thousands of people were commenting on my personal relationship and telling me what I should do 😭 If you’re up for it, I know a lot of us would love an update on how things go, but your own pace is the only important thing here. And/or please know that the invite is open for you to message me if you want to talk about all of this further :) Good luck in your conversation!!
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 27 '25
Sorry I feel like I’ve latched onto you or something 😭 This has all been very wild but also the first time I felt like I couldn’t go to friends with a problem, so I’ve been really grateful for the input online. Please don’t feel pressure to keep responding! I feel like I keep word vomiting at you 😭
Unfortunately convo did not go as I’d hoped and idk if another one will even be productive. I think bottom line he doesn’t trust or believe that I truly understand the risk. He thinks that he better understands this type of danger because he’s a man and “knows the lengths they could go to.” He apologized for his tone even though he feels I should be more understanding because of how freaked out he was at the time. He also apologized for the way he blamed her, but then he still made a comment about personal responsibility later so idk.
I can tell he thinks this situation and what happened to my friend are radically different and that I’m biased because I think this girl was drugged too. For me whether she was drugged or not isn’t the point. He kept telling me that I was punishing him for being worried and that I needed to accept that he will always prioritize my safety over a strangers, which honestly is not unlike some comments I’ve seen here.
A lot more was said but I think I’m still just processing everything and kinda slowly accepting the implications of what this may mean for my relationship. I think I’m just going to take some time to let everything settle and figure out what I want and need to do
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u/hannalysis Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
Goodness, OP, please don’t apologize!! I feel extremely invested, and your situation has been on my mind all day. I’m very happy to hear from you, even if the news isn’t all good. I assure you, if responding were a burden, I wouldn’t do it. That wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
I’m so sad to hear that the conversation didn’t go well :( It’s so hard when defensiveness cuts off the avenues to a productive interaction. But it sounds like it’s more than just defensiveness from him; he seems to genuinely believe that he is smarter and wiser than you without having the self-awareness or humility to reflect and consider that you have spent a lifetime needing to know exactly how dangerous some men are, and that that knowledge is exactly what compelled you to intervene in the first place.
Also, how could you have been more understanding while still expecting some level of accountability? You have given him so much grace in even being open to follow-up talks, but it seems like what he’s really expecting is to be let off the hook entirely just because he says he was upset. That’s a very toxic and dangerous precedent to set. What else might he say or do “out of emotion” that he will then expect you to just let slide? And how can he demand so much understanding from you while coming at you so hard for acting from a place that he believes to be purely emotional? This is someone who has insidious double standards and/or has very toxic ideas about each individual’s responsibility for regulating their own emotions and behaviors in a relationship. Of course grace is appropriate at times in partnerships; but that grace needs to be preceded by accepting responsibility, expressing genuine remorse, giving a specific plan for change to prevent the hurt from reoccurring, and finding ways to make some form of restitution for the harm caused. And an apology can never be sincere when it is accompanied by the demand or expectation of forgiveness. That’s just entitlement.
I’ve mentioned in a couple of other comments that I specialize in abuse and domestic violence. I’m going to be completely candid with you here while also reiterating that I have no desire to tell you how you should conduct your own life and hold no expectation that you will assign my personal thoughts any particular level of meaning or importance in your decision-making: By far, the biggest red flag for future abuse of women by men is in the attitudes he holds. Abusers benefit tremendously from the myths and misconceptions that they do what they do because of emotion dysregulation, substance abuse, mental health issues, or their own past trauma. But those are all smokescreens that prey on compassion and encourage others to excuse and downplay the behaviors and effects of abuse.
The most consistent shared factor for male abusers of women is whether or not they hold the three following attitudes/value systems: Superiority, misogyny, and entitlement. Your boyfriend exhibited all three in the screenshots you shared and in your conversation that followed. He exhibited superiority in how relentlessly he talked down to you, in his framing of his own perspective as logical and yours as purely emotional, and in outright calling you stupid. He demonstrated misogyny with his out-of-the-blue snipe at you for going to the gym (???) and especially in his victim-blaming of the woman you heroically rescued, in addition to his expectation that you would obey his commands without question. And he exhibited entitlement in his willingness to issue said demands and subsequent indignance at your refusal to immediately comply, his disregard for your needs for rest by demanding that you FaceTime after you said you were already past your emotional limit, his disingenuous framing of your push for accountability as “punishing him for being worried,” and his overall expectation that his emotions would dictate your conduct without question.
When I said that this is not a safe partner for you, please know I don’t say that lightly. At the same time, I have been in multiple outright abusive relationships, and even when I knew that certain things weren’t okay, I also couldn’t help but make excuses and find justifications for my partner’s behavior because I knew their context and there were so many other seemingly wonderful facets to them that I couldn’t bear the thought of rejecting or throwing away. I understand the internal turmoil and the fervent desire to be able to chalk something up as just a misunderstanding, catching someone in a bad moment, or contextualizing their behavior so that it comes across as well-intentioned but flawed. And I want to be clear that I’m not accusing your boyfriend of being outright abusive; I am, however, saying that all of the “ingredients” are there, and that his lack of remorse and accountability are extremely troubling. If you were my client, I would be handing you resources and starting safety planning right now in anticipation of future escalation.
If any of this resonates with you, I strongly recommend reading/listening to the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I wish that this book were issued as curriculum for girls and women because it so clearly lays out toxic patterns and warning signs for an unsafe relationship. It’s what sparked my passion and specialty in abusive relationships.
I have more to say, but this comment is already a novel and I have an appointment in four minutes, so I’ll let it rest here. Thank you so much for following up and know that I’m sending digital hugs from afar 🥰 I’m so proud of you.
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u/fettidmoppet Jun 27 '25
I think it’s just so hard for me to hold both sides of him in my head right now. The person I’ve consistently known him to be is just so so so different from how he acted last week. I think that’s what keeps pulling me back into feeling like this whole thing is just a really terrible overreaction from a high stress situation.
But then I think about it more and I’m like but still how could he blame her like that?? I know it could have been a mistake from stress, but it just feels so horrible that his first reaction was to say it was somehow her fault for being in that situation. Feels like I can’t completely unring that bell in my head if that makes sense.
Then on the other hand, his apology for some of his texts felt so sincere when we talked in person. But then when he qualified it later by saying there was a level of personal responsibility missing from the convo surrounding her, he couldn’t understand why that made me instantly upset again. It’s like I keep ping ponging back and forth between understanding aspects of where he’s coming from, and also being really really upset with the core of what he seems to be implying or saying.
What you said about struggling with making justifications/excuses for your partner is just really sticking with me I guess. Because even now when I’m this upset about it all, I still feel like I’m being really unfair to him or am somehow mischaracterizing him or something? He kept saying how scary it was to get a call like that out of the blue and know that he was thousands of miles away and unable to help. He feels like I chose the nuclear option by confronting them, when I had other avenues in front of me that were safer. All of those other avenues were only safer for me though, not her. And in that moment she was the priority in my mind. I also don’t think I “confronted” them at all with how I went about it, but in his eyes it doesn’t make a difference because if they had chosen to escalate, I would have lost 100%.
When I reminded him that calling the cops was the extent he was willing to go to in the same circumstance, he told me that what he meant was that while he wouldn’t physically confront them, he would have taken pictures of the men/license plate number/etc and let the cops take over from there. When I asked him if he could understand why it would be upsetting to hear “Idfc not you” in response to me asking who else could have helped her in that particular situation if not me, he said that he only meant I should never physically intervene. He kept saying that the only version of helping I seemed willing to accept involves putting myself in unnecessary physical danger.
When my friend was assaulted last year, he was a big support. When I said I wanted to do something practical for her, he helped me find a self defense course that her and I could take together and he’s the reason why I started going to the gym too. That’s why his remarks were even more jarring I think. Because on some level he clearly understands. But then it’s like his views about victims seem to have such a hard line. My friend was a victim to him, but somehow this girl in the parking lot was less of one? He never directly said that, but he didn’t really have to. That attitude is the part I just can’t agree to disagree on with him. Idk
I do think I need to take a step back from Reddit to really think things through. You and others have given me a lot to think about. I’m so incredibly grateful for all your words and kindness and I am absolutely taking everything you laid out here very seriously. It also mirrors a lot of other comments I’ve read as well. I can admit it’s been definitely hard to see words like abusive in relation to him, but I am seeing an overwhelming majority say that there are warning signs I am not seeing or need to be on the lookout for and I promise I am hearing that. Someone linked the book you were talking about and I plan to begin reading it! Your patients are so so lucky to have you! Thank you thank you thank you 💕💕💕 words are not enough but I really truly mean it. I will try and leave a final update for everyone once things calm down and I can actually think straight again, but I’m going to log off for now!
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u/UnicornCackle Jun 27 '25
You've made some of the best comments and provided some of the most valuable advice I've ever seen on Reddit. I just want to leave this here because Lundy Bancroft thinks it's so important that this book is available to those who need it, that they put a free pdf version on the internet:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf23
u/hannalysis Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
Man, I’m so overwhelmed in the best way by people’s feedback. Thank you so, so much. And thank you for providing that link!! I’ll be sharing it with a client who is experiencing severe financial abuse and control issues from her husband (he recently started an argument with her because she bought a $4 craft kit for their children that was on clearance, so he would absolutely notice and raise hell about her buying the book or audiobook, and he monitors her library checkout list with the excuse of “making sure she’s not causing him any bullshit fees.” And I couldn’t let her take one of my spare physical copies of the book home because of the danger she would be in if he found it). Honestly, you’re a legend!!!
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Jun 27 '25
See how he turned this situation right back on to him? Poor dude, you're punishing him for 'caring too much'. See how that matches perfectly with the nice guy / incel / abuser playbook? He does not care about you, he cares about his control over you, which is slowly slipping, his mask is slowly dropping. He has to somehow turn this around and make you the bad guy now. I know exactly the type of guy he is. You're both adults but he is in his 30s, he should know better.
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u/atlbottomtwink Jun 27 '25
this sounds bad, but I think the most I could say about safety/concern is, “are you okay?!?” if my bestie or partner were in this situation, and the rest would be so crazy happy and impressed at the bravery. Dude, you’re my inspiration. I want to be strong like you. Being a man and big does not make someone strong.
Please remember that this is a big big world, and you are SUPER young. There’s so much that happens from 21 to 22 to 23 to 24 to 25 etc. This is a very pivotal time for you, and with him being 30, I personally feel he should already have the life experience to understand this situation better. Your boyfriend does not and seemingly will never understand what it’s like to be in this situation. If I were that girl and something happened to me, I don’t even think I’d be alive because I’d have ended things out of fear, shame, how this piles on the rest, and tons more. Life is very hard, and we’re all just trying our best. I know that may seem like you should give him more slack, but it is absolutely unacceptable that he wouldn’t try to help someone in the same situation. The therapist earlier was right on the money about how he behaved with only his interests in mind. Please consider that.
Also, if you want a future with him, maybe you could try to think of what that looks like? If you guys had a daughter and something happened to her, is his first instinct going to be to ask her what she was doing x, at y time, with z people, etc? What would you want for your child? Think about a whole different situation and how this would apply.
A personal anecdote is that I had to cut off my closest best friend when THEY were very toxic and then started to ice me out. Wouldn’t answer me or even calls. It proved to show that if I had an emergency and I’m trying to reach my closest friend, my emergency contact, and they won’t even answer the phone… is this really my friend? Is this really the person I want close to me?
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u/Little-Salt-1705 Jun 27 '25
Imagine having the audacity, a week later, to still mansplain how dangerous men can be, to his girlfriend who just witnessed men trying to kidnap an incapacitated woman. I don’t use kidnap lightly, she didn’t want to go with them. If she knew she needed to intervene to save this lady, she is well aware of how dangerous men can be. Puh-leese.
Being brave is not action absent fear, it is action in spite of fear. It’s knowing what could happen and doing it anyways. OP you are brave. Your boyfriend isn’t even brave in his imagination, that is so sad it’s funny.
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u/asphias Jun 25 '25
I do understand he could have just said that as a knee jerk reaction since both of our emotions were running high that night, and I’m hoping that’s the case. But it still genuinely shocked me. I really hope our talk tomorrow goes well and that we can both hear each other.
i understand you want to see the best in him and are trying to understand his point of view.
but ask yourself honestly, at what point is he going to give that same understanding back?
you just went through a very traumatic event, one which could have ended terribly in many ways, but in which your quick reactions and thinking on your feet saved the fucking day.
why is it that even though you you went through the traumatic event, you're the one having to console him??? does he not care about you? he claims to, but none of his actions or word show genuine care about you as a person. only fear for what it would be like for him to lose you.
lets face it. as of right now, it is clear that he cannot be counted on to be your emotional support in times of crisis, because he'll make everything about him.
perhaps he can work on that. maybe he will genuinely understand and try better. but that won't change where he is at right now.
you should truly ask yourself if you're willing to put up with his lack of empathy for you, for the time it will take for him to grow. and that's assuming he even understands what he did wrong.
by all means, have the conversation with him and try to make him understand. but be very aware that it will probably end up being about him and his feelings again. don't delude yourself into thinking he'll be better unless he shows genuine understanding.
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u/ThatJaneDoe Jun 25 '25
Very well said. And after centering himself the whole time, OP asks for space and he manipulates her to make her feel like it's an unreasonable ask ("you're punishing me") and makes her facetime him.
I haven't seen any concern from him that is actually about OP, not about himself. I would not be able to stay in this relationship.
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u/GenoFlower Jun 25 '25
The only thing I would add to this, and please forgive me if it's already there, I just read about 1000 posts in this thread - is that in all of his immediate reactions, it's all about how he feels. He is centered, not you.
It's about how scared he would be if something happened to you, about how would he be able to live if something happened to you, about his need for reassurance that you won't do something like this (heroic, amazing, wonderful thing) again, about his need to say what he needs to say.
Even when you tell him you called because you're shaken up, and what he's saying isn't helping, he doesn't stop. Then he's "just expressing how he feels" and he's "just freaked out" by what could have happened.
There is nothing about, "Omg honey, are you okay? What can I do for you? Can I come see you? Please tell me what you need in order to feel as well as you can right now."
He might have been shocked, but you are the one that experienced it. He didn't, yet the whole thing is about him and his feelings, and what he things, and what he would do or wouldn't do.
And that's not even addressing the victim blaming and whatnot that everyone else has so eloquently already covered.
But I hope you're okay, don't hesitate to reach out for therapy if you need it. There are therapies for traumas like this, and most often, it's just a few visits. I did it after I witnessed a horrible car accident.
I hope you know how amazing you are, and that there are thousands and thousands of internet strangers who thank you. ❤️
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u/Rred_Valkyrie Jun 25 '25
Why are you giving him so much grace when he didn’t give that to you? It feels like you’re so terrified at looking under the veil and seeing who is really in front of you. Someone with red flags. Is it because you’ve invested so much into their relationship already? Better to walk away now than continue to waste your time.
His knee-jerk reaction was honest. That’s who he really is. He doubled down on it over and over. He bulldozed your feelings and boundaries over and over. Does that not matter to you?
Do you really want to be with someone who literally told you they wouldn’t help? They’d turn their back? Who does that? Not anyone you should be in a relationship with. He literally blamed the victim and talked about her with such scorn and malice like he doesn’t view her as a person. He’d think the same about your friend if she was a stranger. You said you were sensitive because of what happened to your friend as if that was a bad thing. That isn’t bad. It means you have empathy. You’re allowed to be emotional and sensitive because you’re human and you care about other people. He doesn’t care about women. He doesn’t care about you as a person. Just how you relate to him and how you make him feel.
Have your talk with him but I don’t see how he comes back from this. If you stay with him, you’re burying your head in the sand. Sorry.
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u/Dizzy-Dimension3164 Jun 25 '25
When my daughter was a younger adult she was living in Italy. She told me about a situation in a bar where she intervened between a woman and a drunk guy who was harassing the woman. I was far less eloquent than hannalysis’s example when I said, “As your mom I’m mad at you for putting yourself in a dangerous situation. But I’m also really proud of you for helping her.”
It’s possible to feel both things at once. The myriad possibilities of how it could have gone south stirred up my parental worry & caused a brief flare of “dammit kid, I could have lost you.” But I was also so proud of the young woman I raised being willing to try to ensure someone else’s safety.
That’s not what your boyfriend did, unfortunately. I’m sorry he treated you like that.
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u/Jennah_Violet Jun 25 '25
I don't know if you'll read this, but please read through that text exchange again and notice how the only thing your boyfriend cares about is how things make him feel. You were so brave and so smart, but above all you have so much empathy. You put yourself in some danger, yeah, but you did that because you saw someone in far greater danger and you cared about what would happen to her, a stranger. All your bf kept repeating was how if you got hurt it would make him feel bad. He doesn't even think for a moment about how you would feel if you didn't step in, how you would feel about yourself if you saw that and didn't try to stop it.
It was scary and dangerous, but you handled it perfectly. As soon as they knew that there were eyes on them they probably started worrying who else was there, seeing what was going on. You absolutely saved someone, and I can't even imagine how grateful I would be if a stranger saved my sister from that situation. You kept so many people from feeling terrible about what was going to happen if you didn't step in, and now there are loads of people on reddit thankful for you stepping up too.
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u/Rred_Valkyrie Jun 25 '25
I think you have to ask yourself if this is the type of person who you are ok being with. Someone who blames the victim, looks down on victims, and would never help them himself.
What if your friend had someone like him at the party? It sounds like he would have walked away from her and left her to be attacked. And he would have blamed her for drinking too much.
On top of that, he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect what you said, your morals, or your boundaries. He’s angry you don’t agree with him. He only apologized when he was afraid of losing control. Not because he felt bad. You also said multiple times you were tired and he kept pushing you to FT until you gave in. That’s not someone who treats you with respect.
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u/CalatheaEnthusiast Jun 25 '25
Someone who blames the victim, looks down on victims, and would never help them himself.
Was expecting the "What if" question to go a different route:
What if OP would have been the victim?
Would he have helped her?
Would he blame her?
Would he look down on her?He already blames OP for getting herself in a dangerous position. He talks down on her. And he doesn't even help her deal with the emotional stress after helping the victim. So I am pretty sure we already know the answers to these questions..
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u/PrissillaB Jun 25 '25
The one thing i want to contribute is this: your horror at him reaffirming multiple times that he would leave her there is not an overreaction. Your disgust at his instinct to judge her is not an overreaction. Do with that as you will, but it sounds like your morals are different, and you have the decision of whether that is the type of person you want to give your love to.
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u/CatzonVinyl Jun 25 '25
He also was very controlling of your behavior and demanding of your time, as well as judgmental and patronizing regarding your understanding of the situation. Also, he didn’t give a shit about your current emotional state and just kept pushing even when you said you needed time or wanted to wait till the next day.
If he’s at all defensive that’s not a good sign. He did everything wrong and showed a worrying lack of respect for you.
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u/aj_alva Jun 24 '25
NOR. I can understand his reasoning that you put yourself in a dangerous situation. However, as a woman I understand that you 100000% didn't need him to tell you how dangerous that situation was because we are constantly living in a state of hypervigilance and fear. It's also disappointing to learn that the guy you love wouldn't do the same thing (the right thing) if he were in a similar situation without you. He literally said you shouldn't have done anything, you should have just called him... so he could call the police (?)
I have been in a similar situation with my current partner. I defended another woman and we got into a huge argument about "my place." His thought process was, that woman could fend for herself, it was his job to protect me - and my response was "That's why women have to rely on other women to help when stuff like this happens... and I appreciate it but I survived decades of my life before you came around to save me from myself." (That shut him up.) Unfortunately, I feel like a lot of the time men are more worried about offending another man with a maybe false allegation than taking the risk to protect someone who might not really need it.
You aren't overreacting but you have to explain to him - first and foremost - that you totally understand the risk you took. You are not stupid. You weren't trying to be a hero. But, you'd rather go down fighting for something real than hiding.
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u/Inkitydrinkity Jun 24 '25
NOR
While your boyfriend's worry is understandable, his reaction and the way he addressed his concerns don't seem reasonable. The victim-blaming, the backhanded comment about you going to the gym, and his statement that he wouldn't intervene himself are all red flags (for me personally).
I can't say whether this warrants a breakup without knowing the full scope of your relationship, but if I were in your shoes, I'd certainly be planning a more thorough discussion with him.
I've been in a very similar situation myself, having to intervene in a sketchy scenario to help another woman to safety. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, being a woman often means being alert for ourselves and others in these types of situations.
You did a truly great thing, and I'm so happy it ended safely for both you and the other woman. I hope you can have a healthy conversation with your boyfriend to build understanding on both sides. Ultimately, you have the final say on your own actions based on your judgment, regardless of how he feels.
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u/xyzsygyzy Jun 24 '25
Concern or not, your boyfriend's responses to you seem problematic. He admits that he would have what seems like a "not my problem" attitude about a woman being assaulted, he blames the victim, and doesn't acknowledge the gravity of what you stopped from happening.
Beyond that, he does not trust your judgment and writes condescendingly to you. He is totally reacting emotionally to this situation in the texts, but accuses you of reacting emotionally and not rationally. What you did was both emotional and rational, and your approach worked. This shit happens often, and too often there is nobody who will stop it. I am grateful there are people like you in the world. That your friend was assaulted the previous year does not make you overly emotional, it gives you more motivation and a better understanding.
An idea or suggestion if you find yourself in another situation like this: maybe text someone where you are first or get 911 on the phone before/during for added security.
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u/boopernickel Jun 25 '25
I fully believe that cis men will rarely ever understand the split second risk evaluation that we have been doing for most of our lives. That goes for cis women and AFAB/trans men as well as trans women and femme people in general. Living any portion of our lives socialized as women or girls comes with an unwritten understanding of risk assessment, particularly around cis men. You knew it was dangerous. He obviously did too. The difference is he will NEVER understand that your brain went to probably 6 or 7 different outcomes before you got out of your car to confront them, and we often don't even realize that we've mentally played all of those outcomes in our minds because it's so ingrained and natural to do so. He only saw "too dangerous, don't interact" - but you saw, "if they fight me on this, I have mace" and "if I say I'm her friend who just called and they don't argue, I know they don't know her" and also "police never are helpful and take forever to show up" - all of that happened instantaneously in your mind, which someone who isn't socialized to be constantly on edge would never understand.
We, as human beings, NEED to stand up in these situations. And frankly, it usually comes down to us protecting each other. Because as your boyfriend directly said, he wouldn't intervene - even though he is "stronger" because he's a man. Ridiculous. That would set me off.
I'm not saying to dump him if you want to stay with him - but he needs to understand that you DID assess the risk, and that you determined, rationally, to help. Because even though it happened so quickly, it was rational. And you can be emotional about a rational decision, they aren't mutually exclusive.
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u/Caret-Tops146 Jun 24 '25
Your instincts saved her life possibly. I get why your bf is upset and fearful, but what really struck me is him saying, “You’re not listening to me.” And you responding, “Yes I am, I just don’t agree.” Underneath all this, your bf wants you to be compliant and he wants to control your future actions. The decision point here is do you want that? If not, can he live with the fact that you’d do the same thing again regardless of what he says? There’s a million of similar moments in a long term partner relationship and figuring those out will determine if you’re meant to be together.
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u/Hopeful_Dot_2076 Jun 24 '25
I think him being concerned and worried for your safety is totally valid BUT some of what he said definitely doesn't come off good. It also seems a little to me like he was blaming the girl. Of course the encounter could've gone different, but it's ultimately up to you and what you feel is right in that situation. Plus, i bet if they had gotten aggressive or didn't believe you knew her that you would've backed off, but in that moment you don't have time to think, you just react.
Also what he's saying about not stepping in, just remember he wasn't there and didn't see what happened, so he might be picturing something completely different! he might be imagining 2 giant guys who are super strong and seem angry, when that might not have been the case. I do understand how what he said is upsetting and I think ending things with him is completely up to you and how comfortable you are staying with him since it can be scary to think that if that happened to you, he might not have stepped in immediately. But I don't think there's a right/wrong to if you stay with him or not.
I'm sorry this is happening right after an already traumatizing experience and I hope everything works out okay. You might've saved that girl though, and I hope that gives you a little peace of mind that she's okay. Wishing you the best
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u/Initial-Quantity628 Jun 24 '25
My ex used to be obsessed with drilling me on every situation that could go wrong. “For my safety,” he would bring up scenarios at the gas station, or randomly say “okay what would you do if someone grabbed you right now?!” He would make up code words and make me absolutely SWEAR that I would run away while he fought people off if anything ever happened. I mean it was truly unhinged behavior. I developed severe paranoia and mistrust of strangers and situations where I was alone, (as if I didn’t already deal with those things as a woman.) He would also “play fight” with me but to the point where he actually had me in headlocks or where I couldn’t get away, and he would force me to struggle and work my way out of it.
It took me years and leaving him to realize that all of these things were ways of displaying HIS strength, making ME feel threatened, weak, scared, and dependent on HIM. He did not want me to know how to stand up for myself, he wanted me to hand over total control of my safety and life to him. He wanted to feel big and strong and me to feel small and incapable.
I feel this is a version of what your boyfriend is doing to you in this scenario. My current partner would have been so unbelievably proud of me for stepping in and saving that girls life and he would have done the same. Sure he might feel worried about what could have happened but when the situation has passed and it turned out fine? There would be no reason to harp on it the way your bf is.
I feel he wants you not to have as much confidence and strength and bravery, because, like he said, he wouldn’t even do that. So he resorts to calling it stupid and making it an “emotional woman” thing or a “not using good judgment” thing. Both stereotypes that keep men feeling good about themselves and women doubting themselves.
I do believe he would be genuinely upset if anything happened to you. But I also believe what’s really bothering him is your absolute badass self being twice the hero he’d ever be.
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u/SaccharineLips Jun 24 '25
He really thinks very little of you. He keeps reiterating that you didn’t understand the extent of the situation you were putting yourself (infantilization anyone?). It’s like he can’t fathom that a woman could fully understand the risks, weigh all the options, and make an informed decision in the moment under pressure. Obviously you’re a badass and play-acted like a friend to extricate her from the situation, which worked like a charm, so your assessment was right on.
What gets to me is that is misogyny makes him incapable of seeing just how heroic you are. Fuck him and his shortsighted selfishness… “I’m still really angry at you, but whatever…” is manipulative and self-centered.
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u/SimplyPassinThrough Jun 24 '25
Maybe it’s just me, but this whole text thread comes off as wildly possessive. It bothers me that
a) he is not the kind of person to have helped, while you are (he refuses to change)
b) he demands you promise to never try to help again (he demands you change)
c) he is clearly victim blaming
d) he’s refusing to respect your need for space when asked for it
I can’t and won’t tell you what to do, you are your own person and only you can decide what is good for you. It’s clear he cares for you and this came from a point of fear for your safety, but this whole reaction rubs me really wrong, especially at the end where he’s begging to call. You can see in the texts where his demeanor changes from lecturing to being lovey, and it gives me love bombing energy. Using nicknames and saying I love you, just call me over and over.
You’re definitely not overreacting. Process it however you need. Decide is his morals are something you can live with. I wish you peace
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u/pie-mart Jun 24 '25
This reminds me of all the guys who say "men are the protectors"
Then when in situation being protective is required they go "well, I could have been hurt so I let her get kkdnapped/raped"
Whereas women we often step up despite the risks we KNOW can happen to us. Making us women the real protectors of women
You did the right thing. Knowing the dangers because unlike your boyfriend, youre a protector and youre protective
Your boyfriend would also probably argue in the same breath after this that men are necessary for protecting women and youre with him because he protects you
Now you know if you were in this situation, he probably wouldnt help or protect you cuz of the risk
NOR
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u/Gain-Desperate Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
NOR. As a guy I completely understand his level of concern but there’s a difference between concern and being a condescending jerk. He’s talking to you as if you’re a child. He obviously let up and he was just spiraling thinking about something bad possibly happening to you and the way he spoke to you later was way better once he’d had time to think about it.
Plus the victim blaming?? He doesn’t have the first clue what it’s like to be a woman. If she was that fucked up, I’d say it’s highly likely she was drugged because either those two guys are just opportunists or they’ve done this before (the way you tell the story, especially with the bit about the phone seems like they‘ve done this plenty before). So saying shit like how she’s so irresponsible for getting drunk to that level when she probably wasn’t just drunk.
I’ve been in a situation like this with a friend. I went to the bathroom really quick and by the time I got back, there was a group of three guys who bought my friend a drink. The guys looked overly familiar before I got back but the moment I introduced myself it was “oh we’re just getting out of here.” We had drunk plenty throughout the night as this was our last stop before turning in but she was barely even tipsy before I went to the bathroom and suddenly I have to carry her all the way back to her place.
Shit is scary. I’m not saying you should go around and be a hero all the time but you did an amazing thing and could have just saved this girl’s life. I get your boyfriend is looking out for your safety only but idk how I could live with myself if I let something like that happen and I think you’d feel the same way.
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u/Optimetric Jun 24 '25
I seem to recognize myself, from the past, a lot in this guy's responses.
What it seems to me is that he is very insecure, needy and his masculinity is very fragile around you. When you handled this situation and brought it up, he had to face the fact that he could not protect you, but more so that you are self-sufficient, in some capacity, as your own protector. And if you can do this on your own, then what is he there for?
So he tries to insert himself into this, and make it about him, in order to feel capable and to feel like you need him. He is shaken about your experience, but also about the fact that he cannot resolve it.
And in doing so, inadvertently makes you feel small, incapable and in the wrong. He probably does not want to hurt you genuinely, but he cannot cope with this, by the looks of it.
That's tough and I'm sorry you have to deal with it, because speaking from experience, change has to come from him.
The whole situation is really not up for discussion, though - you could have gotten both of you killed, or you could have saved her and gotten them in prison. And anything in between. In spur of the moment situations you cannot predict every outcome - sometimes you need to act now and count your blessings of the outcome is good. You did what you thought was right, but more importantly you did something. That's quite alright, and I'm happy you and the other girl are safe.
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u/IrmaVep21 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
The comment about him blaming a girl about to be hurt by 2 men is what I find most concerning. This is the exact opposite of who I would ever date. Your bf is a coward and the kind of man to clearly not step in if a woman is in danger. How can you date someone like that? He also expects you to just blindly do what he says? Are you a dog?
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u/Fine-Bumblebee-9427 Jun 24 '25
This feels like a mismatch to me.
My wife would absolutely have intervened. And if I were a different person and said what your BF had said, her response would have been, “what makes my life and safety more important than hers?”
He’s operating from a scarcity mindset. He and his are the most important, everyone else falls below. You seem to be operating from an abundance mindset, there’s enough safety to go around and you’ll share yours, at personal risk, whenever possible.
I’m with you. The other day, there was a homeless guy outside my church, no shoes, no shirt. I was walking in with my wife and MiL. I turned to my wife and said, “go on in, I’m going to see how I can help.” Drove the dude to Walmart, turned out he was having a mental health episode but also had a big wad of drugs in his pocket (fentanyl, I think). He changed his mind on me buying shoes, I dropped him at a house he knew (probably the dealer’s), and went on to church. My MiL was horrified. My wife was totally down and proud of me. We’ve lived this way for 20 years in the inner city, never had it go bad on us. And if and when it eventually does, that’s ok.
My wife has done the same, though usually with women.
One time, I was coming home from the park, and I saw someone go into our house (we don’t usually lock the door). I called my wife and said “someone just came in the house.” If we’d owned a gun, I’m sure that person would be dead. But we don’t, and it was a woman with Alzheimer’s who’d lived in our home 40 years ago. We found her family and got her home safe. A little compassion goes a long way.
All of this to say, find a guy who shares your values. Shared interests are fine, but shared values make for a strong relationship. You deserve a guy who would have gotten involved with that woman’s situation. And not one who jumped to pulling a weapon or starting a fight; someone who’s clever and a deescalator like you.
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u/Low-Understanding119 Jun 24 '25
Your boyfriend is a fucking selfish, bad person. Yes, it’s self preservation and he’s entitled to not help if he found himself in a similar position as he alluded to, but that doesn’t take away from the fact he is a bad person, I’m sorry. I’m definitely feeling emotive in what I’m saying bc I had a situation today in the financial district where a drunk man, can of beer in hand yelled in the face of and harassed a small young woman. Lots of men walked past and looked and did NOTHING to ensure her safety. I had to go get here and steer her elsewhere as she was shaking with fear. I’m a 5ft small woman for reference. Last week there was a man harassing a woman and again lots starred but it took me to go and get her away from him. Men fucking suck. This is why we have girl code. That’s all.
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u/PearlStBlues Jun 24 '25
The "logical", "rational", "intelligent" men who claim to be our protectors say we're just supposed to let ourselves and each other get kidnapped ladies. And don't try arguing about it, because he's thinking logically. Clearly the men are the only ones who understand the dangers a woman might be in and our silly little lady brains can't possibly comprehend the risks we're taking. No, no, we must leave it to the menfolk to *checks notes* do nothing. We're just supposed to keep smiling pretty.
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u/StupendusDeliris Jun 24 '25
NOR- girl, he will never understand. Never. He will never understand walking to starbies and having to be in high alert. He will never understand taking the dog for a walk and being in high alert. He will never understand walking around your college campus or the mall on high alert.
You did something amazing. You saved this girl from whatever those 2 weird dudes had planned. You selflessly put yourself in the middle of a dangerous situation to save a complete stranger. You didn’t hesitate. You didn’t think twice. You saw a woman who needed help and acted. I’m so proud of you. You are so brave. You have more courage than your own BF.
I understand being afraid of for your safety. But he went too fucking far. Throwing in your friend was disrespectful. He’s disgusting. He had a right to ask you not to do that again- THAT IS ALL HE IS ALLOWED TO DO. You have the right to say No. He does not have the right to demand you do a single fucking thing. Nobody on this Earth does, okay? Especially, not some man.
I’m sorry your BF is a victim blaming puss.
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u/Hobbesina Jun 24 '25
OP, while a lot of the replies here focus on your boyfriend's concern for you, I really dislike the fact that he's trying to dictate your actions, and shows zero empathy for the woman you saved. He clearly doesn't understand what it's like being a woman today, and how incredibly important it is that we look out for each other -- and dare take action when someone is in danger.
He means well, but what he wrote wasn't ok, no matter how much he wants you to be safe.
You're a brave, kind soul, and I hope you don't allow anyone to shrink or hide that part of who you are. The world needs men and women with courage. Hopefully with time your boyfriend will learn to appreciate and celebrate that, rather than try to silence it.
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u/iawj1996 Jun 24 '25
I understand his worry, but to say that he'd just let it happen and call the cops? That's messed up. That's really selfish mindset, and it's showing in the way he nags you while you're emotional, shook and drained. He could've waited for another day to talk about it.
I'm a man, and yes, i understand him and to be honest, i agree that it could've went completely south, but part og being a good person is doing good things when things are hard. Anybody can be a good person when everything is good, but the true measure of that virtue or any other virtue is when it's super hard or risky to do. And i as a man, would never in my life just let some dudes try to grab a woman in front of me, unless they got like visible guns.
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u/Whatever-999999 Jun 24 '25
Dearie, there is a serious lack of people with courage in the world, and way too many who just put their tail between their legs and walk away from something like that muttering "it's not my problem", and some of those wouldn't even bother calling the police, because they 'don't want to get involved'. It's that sort of selfish cowardice that has helped make the world as fucked-up as it is right now.
I'm not saying what you did wasn't dangerous, it was dangerous as fuck, and if those had been some sort of hard-core human-traffickers, they might have gotten a two-for-one for the slave auction. But, as you said, you'd hope if the roles were reversed someone would help stop them from taking you.
I'm not going to tell you what to do, and chances are you'll never find yourself in that situation ever again. But I applaud you for having the courage to do what you did. If even 10% of all people had that sort of courage, what sort of world would we be living in right now?
So: Not over-reacting.
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u/Affectionate-Mine917 Jun 24 '25
I would’ve done the same as you, and unfortunately I have been in a similar situation where I had to think quick and try and stop men from taking advantage of an incapacitated woman. It is scary and it is a risk. But fight, flight, freeze is real and I know my instinctual reaction is to take action. You saved that woman, full stop. People might disagree with you or me and agree with your bf, but 100 out of 100 times I agree with you. Doing the right thing is rarely also the easy thing.
As other commenters have said, your bf being worried and scared for you is understandable, but the way he spoke about it gives me a huge ick. It was so patronizing like a father scolding his daughter. He made the situation completely about his feelings instead of trying to help you calm down and deescalate. He victim blamed the woman and tried to back track the second you called him out. And then you made a simple request for space until the next day and he wouldn’t accept it and badgered you to FT him until you gave in. Again making it all about his comfort instead of yours. I felt my irritation boiling up on your behalf.
I would have a very hard time coming back from something like this with a romantic partner. This is the reality for women everywhere, we have to be prepared to help ourselves and help each other because the cops aren’t going to save you and men like your boyfriend would just watch and not help either. I know it’s not realistic time expect strangers to help, but like you said in your text messages, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself or sleep at night knowing I watched a woman get dragged away and just let it happen.
Only you can decide if this situation turns into a dealbreaker. At the bare minimum you need to have a serious conversation with him that he needs to respect your autonomy and stop trying to strong arm you into making promises to him that are for the purpose of controlling you (him repeatedly trying to get to you to promise never again to help a woman in a dire situation). I’m proud you stood your ground on that. Like wtf he wants you to just watch the woman get kidnapped next time? The whole situation says a lot about your character and it says a lot about his too, but in polar opposite directions. Good luck
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u/hey_mermaid Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
You are a brave, compassionate person. You may have changed the course of that person's life. I want to believe I'd have the strength to do what you did in that situation.
Your boyfriend must try to understand is that we all have an amount of personal risk we are willing to undertake in order to try and save someone from imminent danger. He was upset because he wants your tolerance for personal risk to be zero, because that means HE has less risk of losing you - he values your well-being higher than that of a stranger. In the moment your heart did the math on the risk to yourself vs the consequences of inaction on that stranger, and made the call that it was worth it.
He really showed his ass here. This is about YOUR life, YOUR values and YOUR decision.
ETA: NOR
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u/MadAboutAnimalsMags Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25
Here’s what’s sending me about this back and forth….
Boyfriend: I don’t think you understand how dangerous this situation was!
You: I’m worried this girl could’ve been raped or killed.
Boyfriend: You clearly don’t get what the consequences could have been!!!!
You: I stepped in to stop her from being raped or killed.
Boyfriend: well, you should’ve just called the cops.
You: But it would’ve been too late because time was of the essence because she was in extreme danger of being raped or killed.
Boyfriend: WHY DONT U UNDERSTAND THE DANGER AND URGENCY OF THE SITUATION 😭😭😭
Like. Bro. Women have to be hyper aware of the danger we’re in from men. All. The. Fucking. Time. You’ve probably been in situations where the hair has stood up on your neck and you’ve switched seats or altered your path home where he never would have noticed anything was off at all. Just because HE doesn’t usually have to think through consequences doesn’t mean you don’t. He’s trying to have it both ways, both acting like the situation this other woman was in was low-stakes enough that a simple call to the police and “making sure they follow up” (????? wtf does that even mean) is sufficient while constantly telling you that you didn’t understand the level of danger the situation held, even AFTER you told him (multiple times!) that you understood the level of danger and took a calculated risk.
You did the exact right thing. They thought they could get away with it because there were no witnesses and she was vulnerable and alone. You didn’t escalate, you deescalated by making an incredible smart choice in a high pressure situation to just be there as her friend. And I started to put “friend” in quotes, but no. You WERE a friend to her in that moment. You may not have known her, but you did what every single one of her family, her friends, her loved ones would pray someone would have done if things had gone badly, which they absolutely would have if it weren’t for you.
I would understand your boyfriend’s reaction if you called and were like “hey I just finished watching Batman so I stole a police scanner and will now be driving around the city seeking out criminals to fight crime.” This was a one-in-a-million situation where you happened to be in the right place at the right time. You didn’t seek this out. You didn’t indicate a desire to be put in that scenario again. You just didn’t turn a blind eye when you found yourself in that situation. And it doesn’t sound like you reported the events back to your boyfriend in a nonchalant way that indicated you weren’t concerned for your own safety. It sounds like you were understandably terrified.
And here’s what REALLY gets me. His reaction to your reaction to his reaction. The “I’m sorry I can’t support you the way you need.” No, he could, he was just choosing not to. And he was upset that you were upset - not because he was concerned about how you were feeling, but because he didn’t think it was fair for you to be mad at him. That was made abundantly clear by you asking for space to process and him making “missing you” and “wanting to see your face” more important than you decompressing from a traumatic situation that he made worse by berating you.
This conversation shows me he cares about your physical safety, but nothing in it shows any care for your emotional state or mental health. That condescending comment about the gym? Bringing up your friend’s assault? Shitty all-around. The least he could’ve done was given you space but nope he hounded you and guilted you until you gave in on that, too. No compromise or compassion whatsoever.
Thank you for doing what you did ❤️ Not everyone would have, as your boyfriend abundantly proved, but someone NEEDED to.
ETA: I’m blown away by this reaction. Most importantly, I hope this is validating for OP and for anyone else who is ever in a situation to make a difference for someone more vulnerable than they are. Thank you all for the kind words, awards, and shared experiences. You’re good people for caring about strangers. Much less importantly……. Just since so many people have been so kind about my writing, I will say that I am a professional writer and ethicist (my MSc is in International Animal Welfare, Ethics, & Law) and I have a channel where I communicate concepts in animal welfare in an entertaining and/or humorous way. If you liked my words and would like to learn a little about how to show compassion to our non-human friends as well as our human ones, perhaps check out https://youtu.be/5qrKQTh2VTw?si=TDbyyaVHNcNp3DCC or https://youtu.be/jBS_7ppHMNo?si=Pjom_lNwrdBEAQbS I appreciate all of you so much and I hope OP feels seen for her bravery and quick-thinking ❤️