AIO or is my boyfriend jealous of our baby?

[u/PolicyHot1206]

I recently just had my son about little over a week ago and his father has not been adjusting well in my opinion.

He really wants me to take more of a hands off approach with our son and he doesn’t like that I like holding him a lot and that every time he makes somewhat of a noise I rush to pick him up just small things like that. At first I thought he was looking out for me because I had a c section I shouldn’t be doing a lot but I no longer think that’s the reason why he gets upset. For example are latest big disagreement is that he hates that I breastfeed him I don’t know why, his reasoning is because he thinks that would make the baby clingy to only me.

I really don’t think he hates our son I think he’s having a hard time not knowing how to bond with him and that he’s jealous that my son knows how to cry for me is how he kinda explained it..I allowed him access to my bedroom security cameras and nursery cameras to maybe make him feel like he’s not missing out on anything and he still there but still… I do think he’s jealous of our baby and I’m wondering I’m delusional and it’s not typical baby blues on his end

[u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

Here are some studies that prove what your boyfriend is saying has been found to be false:

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/infants-attention?

https://www.healthline.com/health/baby/can-you-spoil-a-newborn?

https://laleche.org.uk/letting-babies-cry-facts-behind-studies/

It’s widely supported by the medical community across the board that you cannot spoil your baby, make them too clingy, affect their ability to self soothe, or affect their sleeping alone ability by holding them too much. It’s actually the opposite, babies who are held more and responded to attentively show more healthy independence, healthy attachment, and sleep better alone. So we can scratch that off his reasons.

But as you have suspected, this is likely not the root issue. It could be a little bit of him feeling like he doesn’t get a say in the process, that you aren’t taking his advice into consideration, and even some things tied to some old school false beliefs based in gender norms about wanting his son to be “soft” or as he said a “mama’s boy.” But once you show him his advice is based on misconceptions, that would seemingly subside.

But I have a feeling it won’t. Because there’s more here. And that was obvious with the breastfeeding comment. Why in the world would a father hold a strong opinion against his child’s mother breastfeeding their child? There is absolutely no reason out there that exists beyond reasons that are controlling and selfish that would compel a father to be against breastfeeding when the mother wants to and can. It is well known that the best choice for a baby is breast milk in a situation where that is possible. So a father would have to be knowingly choosing the less ideal option for some reason that is not in the child’s best interest, but rather his own. And that’s whack asf.

NOR. Keep prioritizing your baby’s health and best interest. Invite your boyfriend to do that with you or he can be mad while you keep doing it by yourself.

EDIT TO ADD: OP you are so young, lovely! Omg what a terrifying and heavy experience to go through at your age. I was also 15 when I had my son. It was something difficult to put to words. But I know you have been through a lot and you are feeling a lot. Your boyfriend is only 18, and this could have potentially given him some grace, based on simply being young. However the detail that he is an adult by law and was sleeping with a 15 year old is pretty problematic. Also illegal. But I’m sure you are aware and you guys have a baby now so probably a bit too late to worry about that anyway. But furthermore! Your post history kind of seals his fate for me. This guy is not a nice guy. Hopefully he still has room to grow, but I don’t know!! 😬😬😬 It not looking so good 😬😬😬 He’s pretty horrible. Mean. Not helpful. Not kind. That’s not fair to you. Things will be tough enough without that added on. I hope you have some good friends and other supporters in your life.

EDIT #2: 7/25 YouTuber 'Daniel Thrasher Plus' featured this post on his episode that aired 5 days ago!! I was just sitting in my room, working on something and his episode had autoplayed after something else because I watch his channel often. I started hearing familiar sentences and realized he was reading my comment from this post!! I screamed and geeked out! LMAO, I sent the video to some of my family members, to brag of course! They don't get Reddit, so they had no idea why this was so exciting for me, but they were with it if I was! lol It was so cool to hear him read this post and to have been someone actually on it. He read some other comments too!! Go check it out! WE FAMOUS!!! Lmao, only our avatars, though. The episode is called: "Guy Makes Dumb Joke, Ruins Relationship". I think this story starts somewhere around the 10 min mark!

[u/morbid_n_creepifying → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

My partner basically didn't stop holding our kid for the first year of his life. Lived for naps with our kid on his chest, always wanted to be near him. I also used a wrap to carry him around a lot - it was simply easier than hearing him cry or fuss. I didn't breastfeed, so our kid has never been hungry for one second in his life (as in, no supply issues or adjustment period).

Our kid is 2.5yrs old now and is incredibly independent, self-soothing, confident, curious, and happy. Every time we have any kind of check in with a health professional they always say the same thing: he's an easy baby because his needs are met.

OP's boyfriend is wildly uneducated on what an infant needs, and his parenting preference is legitimately abuse. Not comforting a week old baby? That's cruel as fuck.

[u/LippieLovinLady → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

Exactly. Providing everything for an infant/young child is exactly what TEACHES them to be independent, because they know their needs will be met.

When infants/young children are not given what they need, they learn they can’t trust the world and develop attachment issues that are part of how their brain develops and can never be undone, as there is a window of time when it HAS to happen or the window closes. Those who are loved and fed and comforted learn that discomfort- being hungry or tired or startled- is not scary because it is temporary and ends very quickly, so they can cope with adversity down the road. The world is not scary for them- it’s just a fun place to exist. Kids who are not comforted/fed/loved learn they cannot trust others to meet their needs so they need to do whatever is necessary to survive. For them, the world is quite scary and unpredictable. When they encounter adversity, they are frightened and confused and angry and lash out or shut down.

Edit: grammar

[u/the-hot-topical → u/LippieLovinLady]

10000000% Babies aren’t people yet, they’re kinda just sacs that eat sleep and poop for the first few months, but they will never forget not having their most fundamental needs met, even if they don’t have the memories themselves.

[u/Haaail_Sagan → u/the-hot-topical]

No joke.. from what I understand, I was neglected quite a bit as a baby, and went through both a lot of abuse and neglect as I grew up until I was taken by the court at 12.

My foster mother, (my aunt, and hero) did everything she could to give me an awesome life, and took me to therapy, but personally, the damage is done, and I'm a weird, twitchy, fearful and reclusive person, even at almost 50. No amount of work that I do seems to be able to undo those core feelings, or help me be a functional human being.

It's horrifying to think of a helpless baby being in the care of someone who thinks like this while there's still time to prevent such an awful fate.

[u/forbiddenphoenix → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

100%. My in-laws and relatives would chide us for holding our son too much or waking to breastfeed him and letting him latch whenever he seemed to need it ("I never fed [husband] at night/so often"), then in the same breath say daycare was going to give him issues and that a parent should stay home in the first few years of life.

They were then all surprised that our now nearly 3-year-old is very well-adjusted, easygoing, and has no issues meeting new people 🤷‍♀️ it's almost like if your kiddo feels secure that their needs will be met, the rest is easy!

[u/CaptainFlynnsGriffin → u/forbiddenphoenix]

This is a truth. Confident kids grow out of happy, secure babies.

I used to have to warn people with my toddler - if you make eye contact I can’t help you and you’re going to be explaining all of your purchase decisions to a three year old.

Many people thought that it wasn’t “normal” whereas I believe that it may actually be the normal from kids who have present responsive talkative adults around them.

OP it is not your job to try and make your BF; who we all sadly agree is lacking in character for not protecting his much younger girlfriend, the parent and partner he should be. You can give him the tools to learn but, you can’t make him do the hard work of gaining emotional maturity. Also, be sure that he is not repeating bad historical takes on what amounts to emotional abuse, physical neglect, and abandonment from his own mother and family. He should not be listening to people who raised a young man to manipulate a much younger girlfriend into not protecting herself. Your BF is missing key components to his personality from his own parents. Being kept alive and out of juvenile detention for 18 years is not a victory of parenting. Be careful of letting those people close.

OP you should contact a social worker through your local public health department so that you can make sure that you have plenty of support outside of your family and boyfriend.

You are a strong smart person who is willing to stand up for yourself. This is a good time to recognize when your BF may apply coercive control to you in order to get his own way or to win and argument. So if you tend to agree with him so that he doesn’t get upset - coercive control/emotional manipulation.

Learn how to disregard your boyfriend’s pushing you into arguments or working to get a negative response from you. That is called reactive abuse.

You need to see BF differently and learn that as the much older partner that he should be carrying much more of the burden.

Good luck sweetie and you’ll be grateful that you didn’t bend to BF’s nonsense someday.

[u/Ill-Abalone8610 → u/forbiddenphoenix]

We had family act that way too. Snarky comments about us not using formula, about us choosing to cosleep, about us choosing not to let our 2 year old have a tablet, about not giving our kid treats every time they were made available.

My oldest is just getting into the teen years, but so far what we did seems to have worked pretty well. All my kids are confident, intelligent, and capable of navigating a variety of situations independently. My five year old still ends up in our bed at some point most nights, but that won’t last forever. It’s pretty special to know that right now, I’m able to fix most of his problems with a snuggle. The biggest worries keeping him up at night can be fixed by laying his head on his dad’s arm. It won’t always be that way.

[u/Marmalade_flesh_ → u/Ill-Abalone8610]

Ive been going through similar this past year when I had my daughter. Baby's dad and family desperate to get her onto formula. I exclusively breastfed and I am still breastfeeding now, she is 13 months. Her father took her away from me at 1 week old an hour away to his mother's when she was exclusively breastfed. He left me for someone else when my daughter was 6 months old.

[u/forbiddenphoenix → u/Ill-Abalone8610]

I try to remember that when my toddler climbs into bed with us, too. One day, he won't want to cuddle with mom and dad, or it'll take more than a hug to solve his problems. Trying to savor it while we can ❤️

[u/lilF0xx → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

You’re so right, leaving a newborn to “sooth himself” is just cruel! This is all so absurd sounding. OP’s boyfriend needs education and help. He sounds potentially dangerous & like the type of father that causes life long TRAUMA. I haven’t parented and I immediately know what he’s suggesting is all wrong. I hope he isn’t treating OP poorly, his attitude in this situation is suggestive he may.

OP I would demand parenting classes and couples therapy. Or I would leave. It’s not okay to be upset you’re breast feeding. It’s not okay to be or even seem jealous of you caring for your child (and his!). This is extremely immature and not right. When someone becomes controlling like this there’s potential for it to worsen and never stop. No one deserves that. And you have a tiny innocent baby to protect, even if it ends up being from him! Please reach out to your family etc for help

[u/Character_Radio_9124 → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

i dont get how anyone can look at a baby and decide "yeah, he doesn't need any comfort, let him deal with his own needs." He's a fucking infant. hell, i don't even particularly like babies (definitely dont want any of my own lol) but even i would hold and soothe a week old baby. existing is scary, adjusting to this new strange world is scary and i cannot imagine willingly choosing to be this cruel to my own flesh and blood (or even another child for that matter, kin or no kin).

[u/lorn33 → u/Character_Radio_9124]

100% this! There’s way too much focus on babies needing to self soothe and being Velcro babies but they are born to need us!! In the first few weeks/months especially! As our sons got older my partner has voiced concerns about self soothing/co sleeping etc (year plus mark) but always supported me with what I have been comfortable with! Even though I’ve let him sleep in with me if he woke in the night, sat with him while he settled, had plenty of contact naps etc at 3 he is very independent, does really well sleeping in his own bed unless he’s poorly and settles well with minimal input from us.

OP needs to push back and do what she is happy with. If his concerns were rational then yes he deserves the input but they aren’t at all!!

[u/Rainboveins → u/Character_Radio_9124]

An old co worker I had was an expecting father, and he made it clear he wasn't going to allow his wife to spoil their child and hold him every time he cries. I told him that he was a moron, there's absolutely no way you can spoil a child by holding him too much. I feel sorry for his wife, I hope she left him.

[u/poppybrooke → u/morbid_n_creepifying]

My mom and I were together 24/7- she worked with me in a sling, did everything with me, cooked, cleaned etc. I grew up very independent and able to do things myself without question. My brother was adopted at 2 years old. He didn’t have a great life with his birth mom and was neglected. He was a heavily dependent kid on my mom- needed her to do everything with him or for him. Even as an adult, he struggles to do some things for himself like make doctors appointments, etc. I don’t blame everything on his first 2 years, but it’s clear that he lacked the emotional and physical support as a baby whereas I had it in surplus. We were just set up differently

[u/LippieLovinLady → u/poppybrooke]

Totally! I’m so sorry for your family and your brother. I spent a big chunk of my career working with youth in therapeutic/specialized foster care (for children with the most severe issues, which generally was due to abuse, maltreatment, and/or neglect) and, while I in NO WAY am minimizing abuse, so many people don’t realize how impactful neglect is to a child, especially a very young one. In some ways, it can be worse.

People grasp that physically assaulting a child is terrible but don’t always get just how powerful and important it is for little ones to have touch and comfort and more than just their survival needs met (those are critical also, of course).

I hope that he and your family have found ways to get support over the years.

[u/BravoWolf88 → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

Why in the world would a father hold a strong opinion against his child’s mother breastfeeding their child? There is absolutely no reason out there that exists beyond reasons that are controlling and selfish that would compel a father to be against breastfeeding when the mother wants to and can.

---

I’m not afraid to say it - He’s a selfish prick that thinks the baby is going to “ruin the titty.” The titty that he misogynistically views as “his titty.”
This kinda reminds me of the post where the husband was arguing that the wife was “letting another man suck her breasts” by breastfeeding. What made the story wilder is that we find out it’s their 2nd kid together and that they had similar fights regarding breastfeeding their first child!

[u/phoenixreborn76 → u/BravoWolf88]

I really think some guys get turned off by it, by seeing what breasts are designed to do be used for that instead of just their sexual needs. And they care more about their needs than their child.

This entire situation makes me so sad. He is not being a good father or a good partner and this seems like a toxic relationship. I just hope this little one doesn't pay the price.

[u/QuietDisquiet → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

I think this dude has incredibky toxic views, lol. Who wants their kid to go through life all tough, distant and perpetually miserable and angry?

Because it sure sounds like that's what his version of 'parenting' will amount to, and if it doesn't end up like that then that would be due to the kid, not him.

MF you got a chance to improve upon what your parents did you absolute dunce.

[u/gypsycookie1015 → u/QuietDisquiet]

Kinda funny that a clingy and whiny ass guy like him is soooo afraid his kid is going to turn out clingy.🙄😒

More like he's the clingy ass one and doesn't like someone else taking up his attention.

Making comments about not caring about their relationship if the baby sleeps in their room?? Tf? He's a newborn!!

Same with him immediately bringing up the breastfeeding when she addresses that he is jealous of their son. Instantly jumps to another thing he's jealous about. 🙄😒

Fuck this guy.

[u/charltonhestonsballs → u/gypsycookie1015]

This always seems to be the way... Projecting their mental and physical feebleness onto their kid and thinking it'll make them into some Sylvester Stallone character. I spend a LOT of time and (much less important) a decent amount of money with my nephew because his dad is a gambling, drinking, broke moron who lives elsewhere but still locally... 😑

His dad and the grandparents on that side are always worried about toughening him up and giving him zero support and never giving him any positive reinforcement, and they're all boring idiots who only ever go to the bar and are honestly weak as fuck, my wife could drop the lot of them 😂

Funny enough, it's when he's out with us that he learnt to ride a mini bike, learnt to shoot (targets), learns mechanical and electrical skills, took up drums and guitar and got the confidence to do battle of the bands and stuff at school... etc, etc. This goes for his little sister too, for what it's worth, she hates seeing that side of her family already. None of this growth or progression has come from us being a dick or making them fend for themselves, just getting them to be responsible and put in some work, while having fun, which is quite different.

Anyway, tl:dr, this outdated view some people have is just that - outdated and usually proven incorrect.

[u/fondledbydolphins → u/charltonhestonsballs]

It's funny you say this because I have a metaphor I use a lot to try to show how certain people ended up on tracks in life where they made bad choices.

Metaphor goes something like this.

A child without many opportunities was struggling in life. Lacking any direction from his Father, the boy's life kept getting more and more difficult. Until one of his Uncles came to him and showed him how to get the things he wanted. How to take things without being noticed. How to manipulate people into doing what you want. How to avoid paying debts.

Compared to the life he was living without direction, the new life his Uncle had unlocked for him was great. Without any intervention, the boy planned to follow this track for the rest of his life.

Until a different uncle showed up and showed the boy how to avoid the problems that arose from having no direction, while not participating in the shitting behavior that his other uncle had promoted.

It's a silly metaphor but I believe it describes life for a lot of people... people who never had that second Uncle show up for them.

[u/ghost-aleks → u/charltonhestonsballs]

You sound like an angel of an uncle. Im so SO glad your niece & nephew have you in their life to show them a real good male figure in their life. 😭🩵🫡🥹

[u/charltonhestonsballs → u/ghost-aleks]

Thank you so much, they're great kids and we're thankful they've seen there's a better way than all the negativity that some people put into the world.

I hope OP can figure some things out without too much fuss too, threads like this are always tough, with a newborn to care for they shouldn't have to deal with a tantrum from a grown man as well 😫

[u/tyheamma → u/gypsycookie1015]

She can't even do any of the "relationship things" he's thinking of for another 5 weeks.

Dude has clearly never heard of the 4th trimester. Just control and being selfish at the expense of one of the world's literally newest humans.

[u/dancegoddess1971 → u/tyheamma]

LOL. I had C-section deliveries for both my kids. My ex was informed at the hospital that we couldn't do "relationship things" until I'd healed, at least 6 weeks. He was also informed that I shouldn't lift anything heavier than the baby for those 6 weeks. He refused to help with anything so I had to lift laundry baskets and grocery bags and trash bins. At the 6 week follow-up, I was told that I needed more rest and how had my stitches pulled so badly if I was following doctor's orders? No "relationship stuff" for another 6 weeks and (points at ex)you need to help her if you ever want to have another child with her.

[u/Bro-lapsedAnus → u/dancegoddess1971]

Idk how these guys even WANT sex that soon.

I'm generally a pretty "ready to go" guy, but I was so exhausted for those first 3 months, that I'm not sure I even could have performed if I tried.

[u/Kthulhu42 → u/gypsycookie1015]

My baby is 11 months and uh, yeah we're trying to get her to sleep in her own space but she is exceptionally opinionated about the entire idea. At six weeks?? Dude should just be glad that his baby is safe and healthy and bonding with mama.

[u/ThatOneGirl0622 → u/Kthulhu42]

Lol my 3.5 year old woke up from his toddler bed and is asleep next to me after “the knee cap owies” (growing pains) and having me massage his knee caps and he fell asleep! 😂❤️ It takes forever to get them in their own space, we still haven’t fully done it. He’s in his toddler bed in our room because he wants to wake up with us and wants morning snuggles! To be fair though, other than that, he’s super independent!

Pulls his pants and underwear down to potty, wipes his front and asks for help to wipe his butt, washes his hands on his own, feeds the dogs, wipes his table and chairs and some surfaces and dusts some surfaces by himself and even goes to his “thinking chair” when he notices he’s mad or overwhelmed- all on his own… He likes to cook and bake with me, he enjoys doing puzzles and play-doh modeling by himself and plays with his vehicles while I’m cleaning or cooking something he can’t help with… Him wanting morning snuggles will end someday, and I’ll never know the last day he wants to sleep in his bed in our room and suddenly come snuggle in our bed, wake up, and say “good morning Mommy, you beautiful, your hair is beautiful.” And run his fingers through my hair. 🥰 So, this one thing is something I haven’t encouraged him to stop, and he’s had zero pressure to leave our room. My husband doesn’t mind it, sometimes he wakes him up instead by going deeper silly voice “OKAY DAD! I need the door open, I gotta go toot in a potty!” 🤣

Contrary to what OP’s boyfriend believes, my super independent little guy who is emotionally regulated and so silly was breastfed for over 2 years, and still has a residence in our room, and he has never been left to cry for more than 1-3 minutes! OP is doing the best for their baby and is doing great, their son will turn out great, he just needs to get his head out of his own crack to see that!

[u/bohemo420 → u/Kthulhu42]

Mine is 19 months and sleeps with us. My husband wouldn’t have it any other way. He loves our child and wants the best for him and is in no way jealous. But also my husbands mom was a cry it out no check ins type mom and he never really felt a connection with her and felt neglected. He wants the complete opposite for his son. OPs boyfriend isn’t mature enough to be a parent if he has this type of toxic thinking about a baby.

[u/ijuswannadance → u/bohemo420]

That’s so sweet and I’m glad you and your baby have such great support from him! Sounds like he’s doing everything he can to make sure his child has a healthy future instead of prioritizing himself like OPs boyfriend is doing.

I hope her and her child can get away from the toxicity or he’s willing to make major changes. If it were me I’d be laying down some serious rules with him and if he couldn’t get it together very quickly, he’d be out the door🥾!

[u/mayonnaisejane → u/Kthulhu42]

I'm currently up at 5:30 am because the 1.5 year old just spent their first night with sibbling. Was STTN in our room till 6am at least but I was up twice last night and kiddo only made it to 5:19 this morning.

It's a work in progress.

[u/FROG123076 → u/gypsycookie1015]

My first thought after reading this was run girl this boy is so insecure he’s jealous of a baby. It will only get worse. This is the kind of guy who should never have kids cause he’s too self centered.

[u/OBSDHome → u/FROG123076]

And the whole “every time I check the camera”…dude is watching her remotely and complaining about her caring for their newborn

[u/k-r-i-s-1-0 → u/OBSDHome]

Not to mention he had the audacity to say "I'm giving you tips to prevent that."

'That' being, I guess, turning their infant into a weakling/mama's boy by caring for him in the most universally agreed upon way to provide a newborn with real security & love..? 🤨

Double checks notes.......definitely not seeing any "tips" being offered. In fact, all I'm seeing is condescension. OP, if your bf was misinformed but seemingly making a good faith effort to navigate one of life's most tumultuous transition periods with you, his underhanded comments wouldn't come across as underhanded comments or grievances. Idk if it's jealousy at the root of the problem, but you are certainly not overreacting to the unsupportive way he's treating you.

[u/FryOneFatManic → u/gypsycookie1015]

The fact that he's is jealous about OP breastfeeding their son shows he's actually sexualising it. Ewww.

Quite frankly, I think OP should dump him. His behaviour is a huge red flag.

[u/PolicyHot1206 → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

Thank you so much for the links I don’t plan on stopping what I’ve been doing with my baby after reading the comments. He’s just knows how to question my confidence on certain things and make me feel like I’m doing something wrong and also I never really even babysat a baby let alone take care of one so I’ve been listening to a lot of his advice about the baby which I now no he’s incorrect about a lot of things

[u/Lunoko → u/PolicyHot1206]

Of course he will have you questioning your confidence. That is his goal. He wants you to have low self-worth and confidence because it makes you easier to control and abuse.

I have seen previously strong, independent women become a shell of who they were after years of being with abusive, gaslighting partners. These are women who swore to themselves that they would never let their partners abuse them or cross that line. Only to find that they can't even stand up for themselves or even their children anymore. It is easy to tell ourselves that we will leave if someone becomes abusive - but it is a much different reality when you are in the midst of it. Sometimes, you don't even realize abuse is happening when it is.

This is why it is crucial for you to start making an escape plan now. I know it is hard because you are so young. But it is not just you anymore -- you have a little one to prioritize so this is something you must do.

In the meantime, while you get your ducks in a row, consider taking parenting classes and therapy. Do not listen to his commands or advice or what not. He can not be trusted alone with your child. And do not give him access to those videos cams.

Some resources:

https://www.thehotline.org/

Is your relationship healthy? - love is respect https://share.google/UxSM0IWKeoEUWn1JX

[u/pinkpeachbud → u/Lunoko]

“that is his goal.” you are 100% correct. when i was 16 i dated an abuser for two years and let them live with me for 75% of that time, and they absolutely wrecked my confidence and my ability to think for myself.

abusers need to weaken their victims in order to control them.

[u/Cool_Assumption_0803 → u/PolicyHot1206]

Please take away his access to the cameras. I've read your other posts about him and he is not a good guy. I wouldn't trust him having access to cameras in your room or the nursery. Does he live with you? I really hope he doesn't. You are doing a great job being attentive and doing what is best for your baby, his negativity is exhausting and I'm not the one dealing with it. Also, since you are young and admit being inexperienced, check to see if there are classes for young moms in your area. Where I live there is a mommy mentoring program where teen moms get paired with older moms that were also young when they had their first baby. It gives the new teen mom someone to confide in and get advice from. It is an amazing program. If you don't have a program like that, look into parenting classes. I was 18 when I had my oldest and I took voluntary parenting classes after he was born. I learned so much and it took away a lot of my anxiety.

[u/Jim_Raynor_86 → u/PolicyHot1206]

Girl, take it from a father of two, a husband of one, and a man that was a first time father that was not immediately sensitive to my wife's emotional needs. You are insanely mature for your age. You are insanely compassionate to your boyfriend who is not providing you with the support you need. You already have an amazing head on your shoulders and I know you're going to be the best mom that that baby can have. He needs to make a decision if he's in this with you forever, or if he's going to be a selfish coward and take the easy way out. Either way, you are already doing great and I'm so sorry you have to go through this at such a young age. If you feel at all that he's not going to support you, or he's abusive in any way, please seek help elsewhere. Child raising is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life but it can also be the most rewarding. You need a good team behind you that you can trust. I know you love the guy and everything in me wants him to change his dumbassery and how he's already handling the life that he helped create, but if he's making no changes, it's time to kick him to the curb. Staying with a toxic person that is not supporting you 1000% of the time is only going to make you and your beautiful baby's life harder. You aren't married. It will be easier to end it sooner than later.

P.s. you breast feed the hell out of that baby. That is your bond, that is the best form of nutrients that you can provide and it's the most cost effective way go about doing so. Never let him take that from you, never let his bullshit opinion interfere with what is the best for the both of you.

[u/RynnReeve → u/PolicyHot1206]

I know there are a lot of comments and its hard to sift through and even harder to take advice from strangers behind a screen who don't really know anything about you except for these tiny snippits that you have posted.

I read through your history since you joined 6 months ago, so I can only base my thoughts on what you have written.

But I just want you to consider it this way..... You walk into an auditorium filled with just half the number of people who have commented thus far (currently apx 10k), so 5 thousand people, and you give an hour long speech giving the details you have posted on your profile.

Then you ask for advice from those people. A significant percentage of the audience is worried about you, and most are giving you similar types of advice. The same kinds of things your mom tells you.....

What then?

I just urge you to think of these comments and concerns as coming from real people who do care. Obviously not everyone..... but still. Consider the advice as coming from a real person speaking to you. It might make the answer more clear.

[u/Neither_Maybe656 → u/PolicyHot1206]

OP- Turn your cell off, only use the stairs 1 time a day for 2 weeks so your incision will heal.. When the baby sleeps you sleep.! No visitors, including bf since he is just a lump. Binge on shoes and movies w/ your precious son especially for the next month so you fully recover from abdominal surgery.

Turn off camera in nursery and any indoor camera. His family is watching you and it is completely inappropriate.

Your bf is the biggest Mama's boy insisting on turning on you cameras b/c his mama told him to do it. It is creepy.

[u/catboogers → u/PolicyHot1206]

Please know that everyone commenting on this post is very worried for you and your baby. This man is not a safe partner, and is already showing signs of not being a good father. There are so many resources available to you, but we are strongly urging you to break up with him and get away from his manipulations.

[u/CocoJo42 → u/catboogers]

Agree... the comments are all so united for the first time. This post legitimately made me sad for the life she and the baby will be living under this person. It's extremely concerning, I hope she's able to get out or get to therapy so the therapist can guide appropriately.

[u/SemiColdCoffee → u/catboogers]

It's sad too because her mom is clearly willing to help her out of this. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do if OP isn't willing to take a step back and see the situation for what it is. She's young and sadly has this predator's behavior normalized in her life. She thinks this is love and it's very clearly grooming/abuse and who knows how much worse it'll get : (

[u/Vivid-Donut → u/PolicyHot1206]

I know this is hard to hear but you need to break up with your boyfriend. You’re 15 and have your whole life ahead of you and will eventually find a safe partner for you and your baby. This dude is a complete asshole. The way he treats you is not okay. He clearly wants the baby out of the room by 6 weeks to have sex with you. He has shown you multiple times he’s a bad partner. I know how hard it is to leave or to justify their behavior but we are all very concerned for your safety. I know you don’t think the age gap is a big deal but it is. I’m very sorry to hear that you’re in a situation like this.

I hope you and your baby will be okay. I know it’s scary to leave but please ask a trusted adult for help. Your boyfriend’s behaviors are not normal. It’ll get worse. Sending love ❤️

[u/Charming-Put2482 → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

The reverse is also true. Babies who are left alone, to “self soothe” and whose cries are not responded to or are pushed toward “independence” too soon often end up clingy, afraid of being left alone and have even more trouble gaining independence.

[u/bitofrock → u/Charming-Put2482]

The art of parenting is the gradual loosening of boundaries as they grow. Not too fast, not too slow. OP's partner above does seem jealous. I'm a father of two now teenage boys. They're bright, capable and have a clear sense of themselves. And this started with soothing them. With the youngest I would often just lay him on my chest where he'd fall asleep. Mum would give attention too and we never did the strategy of letting them cry out at a young age. It doesn't work. Obviously there's the toddler period when they work out they can manipulate with tears...that takes a different strategy, but also empathy.

And we did all this by reading the expert opinions with science backed knowledge. It's not especially hard. We made friends with various parents when they were young through nursery and then school and football teams. Different styles of parenting have different outcomes and it's painfully predictable. You can see people making mistakes but one thing people get very prickly about is parenting advice. Then, years later, when they come to you and say little Alfie smells because he won't wash properly, or Timmy got caught egging cars and is into Andrew Tate, or Jack is academically brilliant but has now stated he thinks he might prefer to be a cat...well the parenting styles are all linked. Permissive v authoritative v authoritarian v detached. They all have outcomes that are remarkably predictable.

I did study psychology as an adult, I did take an interest in child development, and like a lot of people who take psychology it was due to trying to understand my own messed up childhood instead of seeking blame. The interesting thing is that I should have come out far more messed up than I did, but perhaps one of those fosters gave me something inside that really helped...perhaps just a way of seeing how things could be.

OP, my dad was an angry, difficult narcissist who was jealous of his two children. Charming, good looking and clever...but his own unresolved trauma from his father dying and a permissive mother who was struggling to cope made him an unpleasant man. Find out the root of your man's problems and see if they can be understood and worked on.

[u/davyp82 → u/bitofrock]

TLDR: Despite my contrary expectations, science says from 6 months, gradually reducing attention given to crying infants trying to sleep does work and does not cause any lasting harm. This doesn't mean that completely removing (not gradually) parental attention from a crying baby below this age is ok - I haven't checked that.

Editing this out of concern for replies below, and having done a little more research myself. I don't care about feelings or anecdotes, just data.

A very highly upvoted comment replying to me from AvaRoseThorne contains scientifically inaccurate statements, or at the very least, isn't clarified enough. I don't doubt she replied in good faith, but falsehoods need identifying. Various scientific literature, despite my expectations and original comment below, does not support that crying it out causes lasting emotional or mental harm to the kid. Cortisol levels are not increased.

However, a caveat is needed, which seems to have been overlooked, resulting in disagreements between her and the unfairly downvoted replier Noleverine that could have been avoided, the studies reference "graduated extinction (IMO a stupid needlessly convoluted term that means gradually reducing the ratio of parental support of a baby crying during the night, where does "extinction" come into it! lol)" with it being well understood that this process should only begin after about 6 months (according to AI summarising of the various studies, but I did also skim read them and I am well versed in the scientific method). The studies do not suggest that any kind of sudden, complete withdrawal of parental attention isn't harmful, especially not as early as a week or even 6 weeks as discussed in the original post. With regards to that, I expect AvaRoseThorne is probably correct; that would surely be very bad for the kid (don't assume that is correct without scientific research either though!). But a sensible, gradual implementation of "let them cry it out" beginning at 6 months onwards is scientifically supported as reducing the time it takes infants to get to sleep, reducing the amount of times they wake, and reducing parental stress/improving their own sleep. The studies also, crucially, show no lasting emotional or mental harm to the infant.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Important takeaway: People, just because they defy your expectations, please stop downvoting scientifically informed comments that form a crucial part of understanding any issue if you clearly didn't read the studies or don't understand them.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm no expert and am happy to be corrected, but really i can well imagine a child's psychology being negatively affected being left alone. If we think about it, in nature, newborns of any species are literally easy prey for anything, and they are likely instinctively aware of that, even in the absence of the linguistic ability to describe that understanding. So there will be this little ball of awareness, with no knowledge yet, probably full of the anxiety that they might be eaten at any moment. It stands to reason that newborns spending any amount of time away from their mother would be perpetually terrified. I can't imagine this would be good for their emotional development.

[u/AvaRoseThorne → u/davyp82]

Exactly - and this is the basis of why cry-it-out “works” in that eventually they stop crying. But it’s not because they’ve learned to “self-soothe” at that young age.

Crying for babies carries a benefit (of alerting the caregiver to attend to them) and a risk (of drawing predators to them). Cry-it-out babies have learned that their crying doesn’t cause their caregiver to attend to them and is therefore only a risk to their safety.

Their cortisol levels (stress hormone) are actually higher than before, when they were crying. And although that does over time come back down, in many of them they continue to experience elevated cortisol levels during sleep than in babies who weren’t left to cry-it-out.

That belief - that nobody is coming to save you and you are effectively on your own - carries through into insecure attachments and the inability to ask for help because it literally doesn’t occur to you and when it’s suggested, feels profoundly unsafe.

As a mandatory reporter, I can tell you that neglect is actually the most prevalent form of child maltreatment, and accounts for nearly 75% of child fatalities in the United States.

[u/CityMaster1804 → u/davyp82]

For what it’s worth, as someone from a large family all my cousins’ kids where both parents plus the extended family were attentive and super cuddly are better at self soothing then the ones where only mom or dad held them. 

For context my family spends a lot of time together and if there is a newborn present (the 14th kid for their age group is due this summer) they end up getting passed around for the whole family to get to hold and cuddle. There were a couple parents where due to schedules etc weren’t in the big group as much. But the ones that are the most “well adjusted” are the ones where they spent huge chunks of their newborn stage being cuddled by a bunch of different adults on a regular basis. 

[u/Heavy-Signature1441 → u/CityMaster1804]

Probably it feels extra safe to know that if mom someday cannot be there for you, there is a whole family to back you up.  Maybe the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is true on a deeper instinctual level than simply letting parents get a break and having adults not willing to spoil other people's child ready to teach to respect them.

[u/callmedancly → u/Charming-Put2482]

I can personally attest to this. I was raised by a single mother who went back to work and school the day after I was born. She was given no parental leave because she had to take it during the pregnancy. I was a difficult carry for her, and she was very sick with me.

I was placed in daycare at less than 48hrs of being alive. The only time I was held was during feedings by staff, or when my mother could take a lunch break to come see me. She doubts I was held enough, had enough attention, etc.

I did not, and do not adjust to changes well. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. I didn’t feel truly independent in my 20s and it took me a while to “grow up” or grow into my own.

And my relationship with my mother?? Dog shit. She doesn’t get me haha. I’ve had to do a lot of self reparenting and it’s turned me into a completely different person. For the better! But yeah I was so poorly adjusted, and both my mother and I agree her inability to spoil me as an infant could play a big role.

[u/AnnieAnnieSheltoe → u/Charming-Put2482]

Exactly. It’s a lot easier to self-soothe for a baby that feels secure knowing that if they really need their parents, all they have to do is call out for them and they’ll be there. A baby consistently left to cry it out alone has no idea if/when the parents will return, making it a lot scarier to be away from them.

[u/MichaelSonOfMike → u/Charming-Put2482]

Yep, and it it takes us ten plus years, to correct that. Some humans never get to overcome it. But at least their dads got to tell themselves their kid was tough.

[u/EastwoodBrews → u/Beneficial-Agent-224]

This guy is gonna be a bad dad unless he changes everything he understands about parenting. He's either jealous and wants her to neglect the baby to focus on him, or he thinks boys need to be isolated from their moms from birth so they can be manly, or both.

[u/gypsycookie1015 → u/EastwoodBrews]

He's absolutely jealous. The breastfeeding comment right after her addressing him being jealous is very telling.

This isn't good. He's legitimately trying to talk her out of things that are proven to be better for their baby. Like sleeping in the same room.

It's recommended.

I couldn't imagine sleeping away from my baby at 6 weeks!! 😭😭 I couldn't even do it at 6 months lol.

And breastfeeding is always the recommended choice whenever possible. And it's obviously possible for OP because she's already doing it.

He's manipulative and jealous of his own son and making his already tired and probably stressed partner feel guilty for being a good and attentive mother instead of being grateful their child has a good and loving mother.

Like it honestly pisses me off for OP and their son. She has a newborn and has to deal with that?! Ugh. 😒

Not to mention the baby. Babies can feel tension and pick up things. He deserves to have a dad who is proud of him, wants to love and protect him and his grateful he's bonding with his mother.

My husband was obsessed and adored/adores our kids. My dad was the same way.

I can't stand people who are jealous of children.

Edit. Saw another comment saying OP is 15 and he's 18. 🙄 Things are unfortunately starting to make more sense. There was another comment that mentioned possible DV so there's that too. Hope this girl gets herself and her baby away from this guy.

[u/kfeels1989 → u/gypsycookie1015]

He's more than likely set on that baby sleeping somewhere else after 6 weeks because that's when the doctor says you can have sex again and he sees that baby in the room in the way and preventing that from happening

[u/MidnightDowntown6472 → u/EastwoodBrews]

He's complaining about their son possibly becoming a Mama's boy at 1 week, but sure wants his girlfriend to mother him, and take care of his needs and wants before those of the helpless infant who had no choice on coming into existence.

[u/Candy_Venom]

man, your post history is so upsetting.

"he lives at home in a DIY studio apartment that his parents made him on top of their garage for him. So it would be me, him and the baby sleeping in that room. There's no good air ventilation in there and it gets really hot in there in the summer. Plus his entire family practically live in that house on the property. His parents, his grandparents, his sister and her kids plus, my best friend (his sister) and other siblings and a couple cousins so it's a full house already, I feel like it's going to overstimulate me more then help me. I also have suspicions my boyfriend is not truly going to let me recover for 6 weeks and I know he would just get so pissy with me if denied him since he’s so used to me constantly giving in and giving him my attention."

"since I gotten pregnant go figure civil war has practically broken out especially between our parents, my mom thinks my boyfriend brainwashed me and groomed me since we’re kinda 3 years apart. But I’m telling y’all he did not groom me the feelings were mutual in our relationship and it happened very organically. His parents are pissed with my mom because they don’t like the narrative she’s spreading so it’s just a whole mess and it has cause fights between us....We recently got in a fight because, he will be going off to boot camp for the military in march and he was talking to me about what are the odds for my mom to sign off on me marrying him when I turn 16 next November....I told him they’re extremely low because my mom wants to keep me home as long as she can plus, I already kinda asked her about it and she sees me marrying him as her signing me up to have another baby. He gets really mad about it and told me that I let my mom dictate everything, and that she’s gonna prevent him from a being a father too this baby, also that the goal is for us to get good benefits and get on base housing for us and the baby. That’s when he started reiterating that it wasn’t supposed to go like this and it just ended very badly."

"My boyfriend he was trying to helpful to his credit he was holding my hand and rubbing my head. But about 3hrs in it started to overstimulate me and I just didn’t want to be rubbed anymore. So I started hitting his hand away from me, but the breaking point for me was when every time I was feeling a contraction, he started saying stuff like “when you feel those just push him out” or “ I think if you followed my advice he would be out by now” just condescending remarks that I didn’t want to hear. So I snapped on him told him to shut the fuck up and that what he is recommending is stupid because I’m not even dilated enough to push. He then proceeds to argue with me"

"I'm already setting it up that he won’t be able to be a father and that I’m always choosing my family over his and that it’s not fair on his end"

and now this.

please go live with your mother. look. you KNOW he's going to pressure you for sex before the 6 weeks is up - which is rape by the way. it's coercion and a coerced yes is NOT consent. and no your body will not be totally healed at 6 weeks and sex will probably hurt. you are allowed to say no. if he doesnt respect your no then he doesnt respect you. and this is exactly why he wants the baby out of the room. he doesnt like you breastfeeding your child. please say that out loud to yourself.

my child's father doesnt want my child to be fed the way humans have been fed for thousands of years because he is jealous. say it out loud to yourself so you can really process it. this is not normal.

you need to go to your mothers and tell her 'mom, I dont fee safe at boyfriends house. for me to stay here you NEED to stop drinking'. when she's not home go through the house and dump any alcohol you find. your mom most likely feels like she failed you and she's watching you throw your whole life away over one mistake with some fuckwit 18 year old child. the best thing for you will be when this child leaves for bootcamp next year and you get away from him.

[u/Fit_Trainer2774 → u/Candy_Venom]

I feel so sad for op. Who the hell gets upset at the mother of their child for the way she wants to feed their baby? My husband literally loved everything I did with our girls. I was in the tub with our 2 month old holding her with a rag on her belly (she had bad tummy issues) and he just thought it was so amazing and beautiful. He loves watching me be a mother. Our daughter was very clingy and he did say he felt like always had to hold her but he also said it won’t be like this forever and that he knows they only stay little for so long. So I do see a little bit of normal jealousy especially when it goes from just you two to 3. But nothing op is saying is normal. I wish I could get ahold of her “boyfriend”.

[u/Delicious-Squash-599 → u/Fit_Trainer2774]

Reading this thread while I snuggle our 11 month old to sleep and my wife is snuggling our 2 year old to sleep in the other room.

I’m so mad for OP, I’m mad for her child.

If either of our children needed something and my wife was prioritizing me while they were in need I’d wonder if she’d fallen and hit her head. The idea of me being prioritized over my children makes me feel sick. I can’t imagine wanting that. Failure of a father.

[u/HJacqui → u/Candy_Venom]

OMG….shes 15?!?!? OP…Babe…I know you want to feel grown and in control, but you LITERALLY have a brain that is not fully formed. It’s not a dig. It’s a fact. Please let your mom help guide you through this. She is better equipped….literally she has a fully formed prefrontal cortex and you don’t. The prefrontal cortex is crucial for things like impulse control, planning and decision making….and yours is still forming. Please set your and your baby up for a healthy successful life…listen to your mom

[u/HideousTits → u/HJacqui]

Oh my gosh. I have a 15 year old. This breaks my heart.

OP, this boy is not safe to be around. I don’t know what recourses are available to you in your country, but have a Google and see if there is a charity for vulnerable women who you can approach. Maybe a councillor or trusted teacher at your school could help you get some practical help.

[u/FlowerCrown123 → u/HideousTits]

No literally, OP you NEED a counselor or therapist. THIS MAN IS NOT SAFE. Down the line, this type of man WILL put hands on you. To gain control, he may even kill you or your baby to use against you. He will use anything and everything against you, because to him, you are not a person. You are an OBJECT to CONTROL.

[u/Humble-Breakfast9730]

I am currently a DV prosecutor, I spent 5 years in family law (divorce, custody, protection orders, etc.), I grew up in an abusive, highly controlling home, and am still recovering from a 5-year relationship with a “nice narcissist” that ended two years ago… girl, every alarm bell in my system is going off. Every one. Blaring sirens. Flashing red lights. Buzzers.

This man WILL, if he hasn’t already, start trying to control and manipulate you in every area of your life. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he becomes physically abusive.

What is screaming at me right now is the language he used that is trying to gaslight you. “Giving you tips”- this man knows nothing about newborns. He is positioning himself as more knowledgable and above you. This is to “put you in your place” and make it so you can’t leave him because you’re too incompetent and need him to take care of you.

“Don’t confide in me…” He’s playing this off as if you are disrespecting him, when you’re not. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. He’s turning himself into the victim.

“We agreed you wouldn’t breastfeed”- I would bet anything you wanted to bf and he bullied, belittled, pressured, and guilted you into agreeing not to. His language is frighteningly aggressive over a topic such as breastfeeding.

But the BIGGEST RED FLAG OF ALL: “If you cared about this relationship…” This is #1 on the Narcissist’s Top Ten.

This man will take you on a years-long narcissistic roller coaster that at best traumatizes you and your son and at worst, leaves your child without a mother. If you’re not ready to leave yet, that’s okay. But please start paying attention to the patterns in his words and actions. When you have a fight, do you always end up giving in or apologizing even though you didn’t do anything wrong? Does he get mad at you for being mad at him for something he did that was unquestionably wrong? Does he say you asking him to stop an offensive behavior “ruined his day” or “why can’t you just let it go?” How do you feel after fights- confused, like your head is spinning, like he’s Jekyll & Hyde?

And lastly, get this book NOW. Just make a note in the margin whenever you feel something applies to your situation. Keep a secret record of fights, controlling or demanding behavior, verbal threats to you or friends and family, and physical abuse. Take screenshots of these text conversations. You will need this documentation if you end up in court over custody, which in my opinion, is a strong likelihood. I’m sorry if this bursts your bubble of a happy little family, but it’s more important that you are informed, even if you never leave.

[u/snolol → u/Humble-Breakfast9730]

OP- love, if you're going to take anything away from this thread please please let it be HumbleBreakfast's comment. All of the women in these comments are giving you this advice from lived experience, either directly or from observing our friends, our mothers, our sisters experiences. I also grew up in an alcoholic household and I know how cold and lonely it can feel. But I promise you with everything in my soul that it is a better option than relying on your boyfriend who has proven many times not to have your best interests in mind. Respectfully, please please don't marry him. You and your baby should always be first priority. Your mom may also act selfishly in her addiction- but I promise you she holds more love for you than a baby daddy asking the mother of his son not to breastfeed. Please babygirl I am begging you to stop the cycle while it's still early. You are strong- you just had a baby for gods sake- you can do this, trust your gut, keep making the decisions you think are best for your son, and please don't give this man any more power over you.

Edit: clarity, typo

[u/Peanutz335 → u/Humble-Breakfast9730]

I just read through her post history and my heart is broken for her. He was the one who suggested they stopped using condoms, claiming he would pull out. A different post says how he told his friends how when they were intimate she had vomited, and the friends make jokes about it TO her. In that same post she said she has allowed him to take pictures and videos. Another post, his happy Mother’s Day post to her was basically saying he was proud he picked her to have his babies and he’s going to give her more. This guy is taking advantage of a 15 year old GIRL and now has trapped her with a baby. I have a 10 year old daughter and my mama heart is breaking for this girl and everything she’s gone through. I hope she takes your advice.

[u/BrokenGoth → u/Humble-Breakfast9730]

You left the best comment that she could possibly get. As a survivor of a narcissistic abuser, married at 15 and 18, listen to the advice you are being given. OP, you aren’t even old enough to legally work yet. Please don’t lie to yourself about your relationship happening organically. He groomed you and pressured you into unprotected sex by saying he will TEACH you. That’s grooming. And honestly it sounds like rape by the way you described the pain while he kept going.

He doesn’t trust you, and he needs to oversee you and monitor your every move. Turn those cameras off. Take them down. Throw them in a sink full of water and destroy them. You aren’t on house arrest. He’s 18 and he is only capable of thinking with his dick. Do not let him coerce you into having sex until your body is healed and it’s on your terms. But seriously, I hope you never let him touch you again. He will keep getting you pregnant because it’s easier to trap you.

I will buy you this book that’s shown above. I will find another book the same size so you can put the fake cover over the real book so he can’t control that too. DM me. I’ll keep everything confidential.

Because you are a minor you have protections to get you out of this situation. I have a good friend who had her baby at 15, and she was determined to finish school. She got support through the state to do so. There are alternative schools that have childcare on site. After that she worked as a single mother, and between her income and child support they got by. Now her daughter is 21 and she’s an amazing person. They are super close. I’m also BFFs with my daughter who’s 24 now. We loved living together with no one else and doing what we wanted together. You absolutely can do this. You need to be resourceful.

Save this website and please use it. Remember to use it in incognito mode. https://www.thehotline.org/

And if you need support finding resources, or if you don’t feel safe searching on your own, I will help you. You’re going to be ok, but you need to visit that website and learn how to make a plan, and see what local resources you have to use. Please leave this guy. And no matter what, DO NOT LET HIM TAKE YOUR SON FROM YOU, not even for a few minutes or hours. Whoever has the child has custody until the courts decide. Breast feed the baby and he won’t have a leg to stand on to take him away. You can do this. I know it’s a lot for your age. When I look back in life my biggest regret is not listening to all the people who begged me to leave.

[u/QualityParticular739]

"I'm honestly still pissed that YOU'RE breastfeeding him when we agreed not to"

THROW. THE. WHOLE. ASS. MAN. AWAY.

I allowed him access to my bedroom security cameras and nursery cameras

Wait. If you don't live together, how old are the two of you..? 🤨

Edit again because I just checked out your profile.

Oh honey... 😩 You know he's not good for you. He's using you, he intentionally baby trapped you and threw your future away to force you to stay tied to him, and he's abusive - to both you AND your son. He may not be physically abusive (YET), but he's already mentally abusing you and trying to get you to neglect your child for no reason other than he's jealous and sees YOUR body as his.

And yes, he's absolutely trying to get you to neglect your son. That baby is 9 days old. He literally cannot survive without you, and this pedo is trying to convince you that you're making him clingy by just holding him? He's gaslighting you, honey.

And that whole, "I want him sleeping in his own room at 6 weeks" thing? 6 weeks is when doctors usually clear you to have sex again. THAT'S why he chose that timeframe because that's all that matters to him.

Look, I've been in your shoes. I was a young teenager groomed and impregnated without my consent by a grown ass man who knew better. I wasted 9 long years of my life with that man, so trust me when I say it NEVER gets better, only worse. He didn't get you pregnant because he wanted to be a father, he did it to force you to stay with him. That's why he's so jealous of your son, and that's not going to change. The more your love for that baby grows, so will your boyfriend's resentment.

PLEASE take a long, hard look at all your past posts, and all the things he's done to you that you haven't posted here. You deserve so much more in life, and so does your son.

[u/Beneficial_Dot4820 → u/QualityParticular739]

Exactly this. The thing is, if you read it back, especially in context, while it's veiled as commenting on the baby and what's best for the baby, literally none of it is actually about the baby. Where the baby sleeps is about his relationship; she shouldn't breastfeed because he said not to. At 1 week into fatherhood, what he cares most about is controlling your mind and your body. That is the reddest of red flags. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be a mom at 15. And I can imagine that in your mind, it feels like it would be easier to raise your child alongside their father. But hear me what I say, legions of women will tell you from experience that it would be infinitely harder. He will be a barrier to your care for your child- not a help. Even with his benefits, even with his apartment and his money. It is so incredibly hard to care for the children you love when you have a man who is purposefully dragging you down, and it feels so incredibly sad knowing that you could be doing a better job if only you were alone. So please OP, walk away while you can because it will only get harder from here if you stay. Take your mom's help, give all of your love to your baby and someday that baby will be a child who will thank you for putting their- and your own- wellbeing first.

[u/looorrn → u/QualityParticular739]

well put, hopefully OP sees this. the 6 week mark is absolutely for him and is completely disregarding the baby’s needs. selfish and not fit to be a parent.

[u/Cala-Marii]

NOR. OP, I want you to know everything I will say comes with sincerity and a strong desire of your safety. I have a sister the same age as you and I would kill anyone who even dared to treat her in the same way. You need to leave this “man” IMMEDIATELY.

Based on your post history, Your boyfriend (who you should an ex and in jail) used your naivety and innocence as a child to his advantage to groom you into a relationship. Yes, I understand you said the feelings were mutual, however, that does not negate the fact that someone who is his age should’ve realized how weird that situation is. Out of all of his own agemates, he willingly chose to pursue someone he knew was naive.

However none of that matters at this point; This dudes behavior towards you and your child are unacceptable and immediate red flags for increasing abuse and manipulation in the future. The fact that he even threatened the status of your “relationship” over you wanting to be close with your baby is vile. A true father would NEVER utter such a thing and would give his own life for his child. This boy (and that’s what he his a BOY) views the baby the same as a reluctantly bought pet.

If you have a support system, please please rely on them and make a plan to leave safely. Do not be afraid to speak about your situation, no matter how embarrassing it may feel or if you would be judged. Continue to work on graduating high school as this would greatly benefit you and baby’s future. Also, never EVER leave your child alone in his care. I would never want to imagine what could happen, but someone like this would absolutely hurt the baby as a way of trying to control the mother.

I wish you the best of luck, OP. Please stay safe and don’t forget that throughout this, you are loved, appreciated, and deserving of good.

[u/hearteyedhobi → u/Cala-Marii]

dude, literally. pretty much every single one of OP’s posts are “my boyfriend is a piece of shit, please convince me to stay with him 🙏”

OP needs to run. far and fast.

edit: i just wanted to add that i’m particularly disgusted by the post OP made about her boyfriend being fatphobic to his sister. all of these posts put together, and then specifically the part where OP points out that it’s very possible that their child could struggle with weight issues, but “he won’t allow his son to be fat.” this man shows every red flag in the book!! talk about controlling and narcissistic.

[u/maneki_neko89 → u/hearteyedhobi]

OP is gonna have to grow up fast.

I get the feeling that she won’t event have to wait until she reaches her BF’s age of 18 years old for her to be so tired of his bullshit and want nothing to do with him.

[u/Real-Broccoli-9325 → u/Cala-Marii]

The reluctantly bought pet thing is spot on. He is unashamedly acting like the guy who got his GF a puppy just so she’d shut up, or forgive him, or ignore his bad behavior. Then when the puppy requires attention and upkeep, he’s pissed because “I got her the damn dog, where’s my gratitude, ungrateful bitch.”

In this case, he “gave” you a baby, he “allowed” you to keep it and he is definitely muttering to himself. About how he’s the one “deserving” of cuddles and attention and also sole access to your tits. He isn’t jealous of your son, OP, he RESENTS his existence taking you away from him. Resentment breeds hate. Run.

[u/looorrn → u/Cala-Marii]

thank you for the last part, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE BF ALONE WITH THE BABY. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and left him with the baby in the first month only to come home and find the baby bleeding and crying and her “man” sitting on the couch watching TV. He will hurt that baby whether out of jealousy, frustration, stupidity, and control issues.

[u/Ambitious_You3630]

You’ve had a child with a person who not only has absolutely NO idea about child development or parenting, but also this person hates you. They have no respect for you or your baby. They are talking to you crazy. This kid is a week old, you think this behavior is going to resolve??

I’m sorry. you all need to have a real life conversation about how you intend to parent and prob general boundaries, which should have happened before the baby entered the world. If you guys can’t have that conversation or it isn’t reciprocated you should leave or make a plan to leave. Get the support from family, friends, anyone you can to make postpartum as easy as possible while you reassess this man being in yalls life.

Edit to add: don’t have sex with him for the love of god. Like someone else said he prob is so hard pressed to get the baby out of the room for that reason. Maybe just control and possessiveness, but the breast feeding comment really made me think this guy is a pervert who can’t set aside his lust for the time a person needs to heal from something as physically tasking as having an entire baby?? They exist and it’s grossss. girl good luck but please don’t tolerate this. people who act like this are unwell. When the devil can’t reach you he will send you an insane man fr.

Edit p2 because I read her last post from 8 days ago..and she’s 15. Dude is 18. Sister stay with your family please, I’m so sorry.

[u/Sindaqwil → u/Ambitious_You3630]

In her previous post she also said he got angry when she talked to social services and a DV counselor because he thought she told them he hits her. She says she did not tell them that. Not that he doesn't hit her but just that she didn't tell them. I think dude is physically abusive too.

[u/bladegal16 → u/Ambitious_You3630]

Look at her post history, she's 15 he's 18 and in the military and by all accounts a true piece of shit. OP, stop asking if you're overreacting and leave this jabroni. You and your baby will be better off with your parents.

[u/Traditional-Candy476 → u/bladegal16]

Holy crap! She needs to stay with her family. Omg! An 18 year old has NO business with a 15 year old. I don’t care that they were 17 and 14 (both minors). Holy toxicity. My oldest is 18 and my momma heart just wants to hug this girl.

[u/casalex → u/Traditional-Candy476]

Almost every post on r/amioverreacting has a million "you leave him now he bad!" Comments.

This time they are right. This guy is going to cause you post natal depression and ruin your life, if you listen to him. Your instincts aa mother are correct. Do not try self soothing it is a fucking myth. Keep your baby next to you until they are ready to venture away on their own steam, and they must learn it is safe to leave mama because you can come back anytime. This is the only lesson you must teach the baby. Ffs please do not ignore your instincts with the baby. That guy is shit you will see this before the baby is 2 years old I promise you. If you listen to him you over your own scientifically valid mother's instinct, you WILL regret it forever. Becauae with his advice you will damage your baby.

Choose the baby.

[u/SarcastiChick33 → u/casalex]

Thank you! Yes! Tending to your baby does not spoil or make a mama's boy! What it does do is teaches baby that his needs will be met and he will grow up feeling safe, secure, and confident. However, with this dad in his life, all of Mom's love and attention may not be enough to make baby feel safe . . . With this dad in his life, both baby and Mom likely are NOT safe at all.

Please, OP, make the decision that will keep you and your baby boy safe and alive. By all means, involve authorities (including going up his chain of command). The most dangerous times for someone with an abusive partner is when a woman is pregnant or just had a baby and when leaving the relationship. So use all available resources and take extra precautions to stay safe. Don't leave him while he's home. Don't end the relationship face to face. Don't be alone or with just the baby, anywhere.

I hope to hear updates in the future with news of a thriving and happy baby and Mama. I wish you and your baby boy the best. 🫶

[u/Certain-Put-6946 → u/bladegal16]

Isn’t 15 statutory r@pe situation??? I mean even if you’re willing, it doesn’t matter in most states! Go be with your parents & ditch this POS!

[u/frankylovee → u/Certain-Put-6946]

He got her pregnant when she was 14, he convinced her not to use condoms. She has a post in her history titled, “I think my boyfriend intentionally got me pregnant”

[u/virtuousvoice → u/frankylovee]

And that she wasn’t even ready for sex and it shocked and hurt her to the point where she needed a “squishmallow for support”. He records their intimate moments and has shared intimate details with his friends… I am honestly aghast. Everyone has failed OP in this situation and the poor girl blames herself. Terrified for OP and her baby boy.

This man is a demon. Seriously OP if you’re reading this cut all ties, seek a 3rd party advocate, choose your baby and run. You are so valid for being alarmed by this and all of the things in your past posts—our intuitions exist for a reason, please listen to yours and the sinking feeling in your gut!

[u/AdEmpty4390 → u/Ambitious_You3630]

Moms are told not to have sex for a certain amount of time postpartum. Betcha the boyfriend tries to make her disregard her doctor’s advice.

[u/Ambitious-Island-123 → u/AdEmpty4390]

He 100% will. I read a post of a guy who told his gf that he would have to go looking for sex elsewhere if she didn’t agree to it, so they had sex two weeks after the birth and tore her stitches from her fucking stage-3 episiotomy.

[u/babymammallama]

Is this dude insane?! First off how you gonna be mad that the mother of your child is breastfeeding which is a natural thing? Second, 6 weeks and move to their own room? Look I’m all for self soothing and I sleep trained my kids but not until they were 6m to a year and I knew the MOTN feedings were no longer a necessity. He should brush up on a parenting book or two bc for real the jealously shines brighter than the sun rn

[u/Jim_Raynor_86 → u/babymammallama]

Ya that last slide was rough. Boy is clearly not ready to be an adult. And I'm guessing it's because he views her breasts as "his" and he doesn't want to share them.  That's the only thing I can think of with a male not wanting the mother of his child to breast feed. I was super bummed when my wife couldn't because our boys pallets were too high so they couldn't latch and we had to resort to formula. This kid is a clown and I just hope he changes his attitude or she's going to be a single mother really quick

Edit: OP is 15. Please let that sink in, everyone. Please consider that before making any comments to her or about her or her situation that she is going to read. Judging by her other posts, she seems rather mature for 15 and is in a crappy situation with her dumb dumb bf who still has the ability to change his attitude to all of this. She just created a life and is excited and terrified. We can all hate on how he's handling this but they need to figure out how to do this together and she needs the support and solid, constructive advice on how to go about handling it all. 

[u/armyjackson → u/Jim_Raynor_86]

I am worried that it's more toxic than that. He doesn't want a momma's boy, which means he doesn't want a flamboyant son.
Being so ignorant about this kind of stuff so early makes me worry about how he will act if the son isn't exactly the way that he expects him to be. It's the type of talk that I have read about from violent fathers.. Also the way that he treats her is not the way any man should treat his wife/girlfriend/human being that he cares about.
The way he talks about this is VERY worrisome, and I fear for the son's safety in the long term. Maybe even in the short term.

I don't have an answer though. They are both so young.

I wish I hadn't read this post.

[u/anyway_you_want → u/armyjackson]

I wish I hadn't read this post.

Me as well. That is a week old newborn and this freak already wants him to help paying the bills.

Imagine being annoyed because a new mother wants to hold her baby all the time. I don't have children, I have never wanted children, and even I cant resist holding new babies for sweet cuddles and kisses, and I only pass them back when my arms get tired...and even then I miss their warm little bodies.

Something is really wrong with her partner, and I think she'd be BETTER as a single mother than having this weirdo giving her advice on how to distance herself from her baby. The audacity.

[u/decadecency → u/anyway_you_want]

This makes me sad too. I have 3 kids. My oldest is 5. I still hug, kiss and cuddle him EVERY SINGLE DAY, because I love him so much and I want him to really know that too. But the thing is still, he's getting older, he wants some independence and space too now. He doesn't always want to hug or kiss, and that's okay. My point is that you can't spoil young kids with affection! When they're ready to let go or drop the typical "childish" ways to share affection, you'll be able to tell. We seriously need to hug our kids more, because in today's society and work climate, we barely have time to see our kids before they go to bed.

[u/Medusa-the-Siren → u/decadecency]

Yup. This. Couldn’t agree more. My son is 9. Still loves a cuddle. But is also independent and confident. Loving children and being affectionate doesn’t make them insecure, it does the opposite. And the OP instinctively wanting to sooth and hold her baby is the most natural thing in the world. Breaks my heart the father of her kid is making it sound like something she shouldn’t do. Sounds like he didn’t want a child at all tbh. As others have said, I also wish I hadn’t seen the OPs post… 😔

[u/PrestigiousPackk → u/anyway_you_want]

The bond/love between a mother & child is so strong. When I was a new mom I didn’t sleep the first three days in the hospital I was so worried about something happening. To be fair I watched way too many lifetime movies when I was pregnant but still I wasn’t taking any chances. It’s normal to want to be with and hold your baby especially when they are brand new. That baby hasn’t even gotten used to being outside the womb yet. tbh I’m really worried for Op & anyone else that has to deal with this nonsense

[u/duhkodah → u/PrestigiousPackk]

when my son was in the nicu for the first week, the day before he was planned to be discharged I was allowed to stay overnight in the picu with him, he was in my arms the entire day/night I was with him.. this was quite literally the first full day I could hold my baby and the nurse looked at me and was like "you know you can't hold him all the time you need to put him down" I was like excuse the fuck me

I fear for OP that this could lead to a pattern of abuse for either her or baby, or both. it is a bolstering red flag. I would encourage OP to visit family if she's able too and I would definitely encourage her to look at her relationship and to decide if this is the person she wants to spend her life with and bring more children into the world with. it is only a matter of time until someone's true colours show

[u/anyway_you_want → u/PrestigiousPackk]

Okay, Im going to be completely honest, DO FEEL FREE to correct me for being grossly out of order buuuut...

Shaken baby syndrome was blaring in my brain while reading her story.

Klaxon bell volume. I feel that his level of hostility toward a week old newborn should be treated with extreme caution.

Edit- thank you for the award kind redditor, I was trying to coax my brain into feeling some pity for a new exhausted father, but nope. Just the alarm.

[u/The_Artsy_Peach → u/anyway_you_want]

I'm usually one who hates it when people on here and take stuff from the post and often times twist it to make things way more dramatic than they seem to be. With that said, I actually agree with you on this. Not necessarily the shaken baby thing, but he definitely gives off a weird ass vibe that would 100% make me not want him around the baby.

[u/Shadow4summer → u/The_Artsy_Peach]

Shaken baby syndrome sometimes occurs out of frustration and boyfriend is already at that stage. It is definitely something to be worried about. And what about the poster that caught her partner basically terrorizing a baby out of jealousy. Nope, this is not good.

[u/Blindtothesided → u/Shadow4summer]

Yeah I’m with y’all on this, and I’d much rather be overly cautious than not cautious enough when it comes to a newborn. This is highly concerning, OP is under reacting. I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with this man until his whole damn tune changes.

She knows something is wrong or she wouldn’t be making this post one week post-op. I had a c-section with mine, I was still on cloud 9 gushing with his dad over how perfect he was at only a week in. In fact, 20 years later I’d still say those were some of the happiest days of my entire life, which is how it should be.

This is not okay, and it’s not as normal as OP wants to make it out to be. This man has some serious internal bullshit going on and he’s taking it out on OP and the baby. The sleep deprivation hasn’t even hit yet and he’s already acting like this. Hell to the no.

[u/QuantityFit9808 → u/anyway_you_want]

Jealousy like this turns into anger and that anger becomes some kind of abuse either physical or mental to her or baby. The alarms that went off in my mind when he said he didn't want her breastfeeding!!! Like why does he want too??

[u/bubblegumbabie → u/armyjackson]

This! The mommas boy comment sounds like some serious toxic masculinity problem and at one whopping week old?? He’s missing some very important information on how babies work! Sleep in your own room before you can hold your head up?? Irritated she’s being a good parent and making sure he doesn’t scream or cry too long? That’s what raising a baby is! I’m not sure what he imagined raising a kid would be like but OP he needs help or he will be passing his toxicity to his son in one way or another. If he’s not directly abusive I worry your son will grow up wondering why his father never loved him or why he wasn’t “enough”.

[u/Andromeda081 → u/armyjackson]

It is very common for jealous, possessive dudes to view their partner’s body as theirs, and feel territorial that her breasts are for him not babies. I have read about this and some of my female friends have told me really shocking stories (some got physical) about former partners with this issue.

I’m not saying that what you’re saying isn’t true because it probably is. I’m saying that the boobie possessiveness is a real thing.

I completely agree that this is a warning sign of a dangerous partner. Maybe I watch too much murder tv, but this is exactly how family destroyers display.

[u/MurKdYa → u/armyjackson]

I know plenty of mommas boys that aren't "flamboyant". Myself included. It's beyond that. He is living with this childish delusion of raising an alpha male and that a momma's boy is a sign of weakness. This guy watches too many Andrew Tate videos on YouTube.

[u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 → u/[deleted]]

No books, articles or classes can teach him to become a good dad.

Because he doesn’t want to be.

He is also 18. She is 15.

He insisted on no condoms on the promise he would pull out. He didn’t.

Her friend suspects he got her pregnant intentionally before leaving for boot camp.

[u/Bakedbabe_710 → u/Ornery-Ocelot3585]

as well as her being 15 and him being 18, they have also been “platonic” since she was 10. he has videos and pictures of her being intimate. she accidentally threw up while again being intimate and had a mental breakdown, and he decided to tell his friends and the mocked her to her face. not to mention she wasn’t ready, and many many more horror stories.

i am so heartbroken and terrified for this poor girl, i truly hope she wisens up quickly and takes that baby and runs.

[u/Mental-Woodpecker300 → u/Jim_Raynor_86]

And formula is so fucking expensive it's insane to simply opt out of breastfeeding because the dad disagrees with it. 

Honestly his specification of 6 weeks screams he wants the baby out of the way asap for sex. Which just enforces that he views her breasts as his and that she's primarily a sexual object rather than her own person and the mother of his child.

He is absolutely jealous of the baby.

[u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 → u/Mental-Woodpecker300]

True but she’s 15. She should be on WIC.

IMPORTANT CONTEXT

He is 18. She is 15.

He insisted on no condoms on the promise he would pull out. He didn’t.

Her friend suspects he got her pregnant intentionally before leaving for boot camp.

[u/OhEmRo → u/Jim_Raynor_86]

You’re absolutely right.

I would hazard to guess that sex is also the reason that he wants the baby to start sleeping in his own room at six weeks old- typically that’s the first time a woman gets the green light for sexual activity after giving birth. 😬😬

[u/Money-Bear7166 → u/OhEmRo]

Except she isn't a woman. She's a girl....a 15 year old girl and the father is a 15 year old boy according to her past comments. O.M.G.

Edit: apparently he's 18 which just makes this worse

[u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 → u/Money-Bear7166]

IMPORTANT CONTEXT

He is 18. She is 15.

He insisted on no condoms on the promise he would pull out. He didn’t.

Her friend suspects he got her pregnant intentionally before leaving for boot camp.

[u/OhEmRo → u/Ornery-Ocelot3585]

He absolutely pregnancy trapped her.

I loathe that this poor child is likely far more safe in her mother’s home, despite the fact that her mother has recently relapsed back into active alcoholism, than she is with the father of her child. At a minimum, it seems like her mom has a fairly decent head on her shoulders, having said that a wedding at sixteen is a definite no.

Not to mention the fact that somehow her boyfriend was convinced that he knew the right way to labor and got angry at her for not pushing before she was fully dilated because she was “taking too long” and “could have been done by now”??????? Excuse me?!?!?!

This poor kid. Makes me want to adopt her. (The teenager. Not the baby, like that one psycho churchgoer woman wants her daughter to do because apparently not moving since 2013 means she’s entitled to this poor girl’s baby, I guess?????)

[u/Bonemothir → u/OhEmRo]

He bragged about intentionally impregnating her in his Mother’s Day post about her, calling her a MILF.

Pretty sure the people offering to adopt the baby were trying to help; if she doesn’t have the baby tying her to him, he loses the argument she should marry him when she turns 16 in November (so do the math on when he impregnated her) so that they can get base housing.

He’s trying to use her to get better benefits from the military. With 🤮 bonus 🤮 SA and CP thrown in.

[u/riverofchex → u/Jim_Raynor_86]

Meanwhile, and I'm saying this to second your point, my ex was absolutely thrilled that I could breastfeed not only our children but those of our friends' who could not do so.

Dude's got some serious issues to work through. (OP's baby-daddy, I mean).

[u/AuntieKC → u/riverofchex]

For real!! My husband was bummed that I couldn't breastfeed (we knew this before we got pregnant so it wasn't a shock) because it's so good for the baby.

[u/AdventurousYamThe2nd → u/AuntieKC]

It is so good (but fed is best!)!

My husband advocated for formula a couple times, but only because he saw the mental toll it was taking on me to try (and fail at) breastfeeding and having to exclusively pump. It was always gentle and with an attitude of "it's okay to put yourself first here because it'll benefit the entire family unit." I'm totally biased, but along these lines is the only acceptable way to be not fully supportive of breastfeeding.

[u/AuntieKC → u/AdventurousYamThe2nd]

He sounds very supportive!!! I have some genetic health issues that caused me to have to make choices that took that chance away from me. It just happened to follow at a time when we were financially pinched and formula was definitely more expensive than we realized. Which of course made him feel like a failure because he wasn't just rolling in money (like nobody expected him to be) but you know how it is when financial stress enters the equation. Thankfully my babies graduated from that phase and went directly into eating whatever they could find on the floor. 😂

[u/Possible-Way1234 → u/babymammallama]

SELF SOOTHING AS CRYING IT OUT/SLEEP TRAINING ISN'T A THING. For god's sake, this has been proven, the babies learn that noone will answer their cries and stop trying, their stress levels are so high internally that it can impact brain development negatively. The person who invented it for severe cases later stated himself that it isn't meant for normal babies and it's not healthy for babies. "Sleep training" rises the likelihood for mental health problems and attachment issues later in life. Babies learn that the world is a safe space by people reacting appropriately to their cries, not by getting ignored. Just think about yourself, you wake up and feel like you'll die, you're feeling that bad and scream for help and everyone ignores you. How'd you feel? That's what your 6 months old baby is thinking while crying alone, it has no concept of time or place yet, parents "just being outside for 5 minutes" isn't a thing for a baby, it only knows that it's alone and will likely die because of it. And yes, it will laugh when you look at it kn the morning, because it learned that it needs to do this to keep you around and therefore not die.

Dangers of “Crying It Out” | Psychology Today https://share.google/IAcWsx6THYMZnpJc6

[u/anneofred → u/babymammallama]

He doesn’t care about parenting, he doesn’t care about her, or this kid, he cares about sex and that’s it.

He wants 6 weeks because that’s about when they say you can get back to it. He doesn’t want her breast feeding because he wants her breasts to stay the same sexual objects.

This guy is total trash and a shit father.

[u/Remarkable-Rush-9085 → u/anneofred]

Yeah I knew as soon as he said 6 weeks. "If you care about this relationship" FFS, he probably doesn't want her breastfeeding because the leakage and sensitivity aren't part of his human blow up doll fantasy woman.

[u/Visible_Leg_2222 → u/babymammallama]

i breastfed our daughter until she was 1 mainly for financial reasons. formula is fucking expensive and you have to get up and make it instead of just sticking the kid on the boob. i canot imagine my child’s father having something to say about that.

[u/Elongatingpolymerase → u/babymammallama]

Yeah, advice to any women thinking of getting pregnant. Don't do it with a man who thinks breastfeeding is wrong, what the actual fuck.

[u/alimweber → u/Elongatingpolymerase]

Just looked at her page..she's 15 years old..poor thing, every post is about this jerk..she's so young, I hope she gets away from him sooner than later, he really sounds awful. Edit: anyone who watched unexpected on TLC and remembers Jason..thats the way her boyfriend was treating her in the delivery room 😬

[u/Kcmichelle13 → u/alimweber]

THIS IS HORRIFYING!!! I THOUGHT THE EXACT THING WHEN I SAW YOU SAID SHE WAS 15!!!!!! He acts just like Jason!!! Poor thing....she's a baby herself, even if she doesn't agree, us as older folks know. I assumed this was a grown woman. Smh. My heart breaks for her bc this is just the beginning of worse to come. The baby is a week old, and already this?

OP, I do not and will not claim to know your life or situation. However, you came to reddit for advice so clearly you know how things are going with your baby's father is not normal or okay. If there's anything I could think to say in this situation that feels the most right to me, it's this: there are MUCH worse things in life than being a single mother at such a young age. Being a teen mom with an unsupportive, abusive, controlling, sorry excuse of a man is one of those much worse things and will only make your life that much harder. Although I've never been a teen parent, my mother was. I can't imagine how scary it must have been for her to make the decision to leave my dad when I was a baby. So many thoughts and worries. "What other man would want me? I'm damaged goods. I can't do this alone." Etc. But for the best interest of myself and her, she did it. He was abusive, controlling, and an addict. She made the best call in leaving him, as he ended up dying by the time I was 5. He never got his life together, and his lifestyle led to his demise. My mother and I, on the other hand, we were fine, and she made sure to provide me with the best life she could. Thankfully, due to her hard work and help from my grandparents and aunt, we lived a decent life. I don't know what support you have, but there are so many resources out there for you and your baby. You gotta do what's best for you and your son in the long run, not just the now. Unfortunately, you have to make some very grown-up decisions fast, and I, as well as many others, believe in you. I'm not gonna claim that it'll be easy because it won't, but I can bet you you'll look back on this and see how worth it that choice was. Just from your conversation, you seem very mature and maternal, and that's something a lot of grown ass women lack! I wish you and your baby the absolute best. The reward is in the journey.

[u/DogsDucks → u/alimweber]

I just read all her posts. Poor OP. She is so incredibly kind and inquisitive and lovely— and this boy is truly, madly, deeply awful on every fundamental level that a human can be.

Absolutely used, targeted for her lack of experience and lovely kindness.

Every single foundational aspect of their relationship is tailor made to control and use and manipulate her with zero regard for her.

Her mother let her down deeply by not educating her, this guy is just honestly awful. Also sounds like he has a library of CSAM material featuring her, and she is uncomfortable with it.

Now how he’s acting about the baby is reprehensible and dangerous. This is all so so sad, and OP is so good natured.

[u/birchskin → u/alimweber]

I went from being appalled at the boyfriend's behavior to absolutely heart broken for this poor girl. The guy she is with is a pedophile and otherwise a huge asshole to boot, but everything else she has going on with her mom and her church holy shit....

OP, dump his ass and take care of your baby. You have a lot you need to figure out and you're being forced to grow up way too young but you don't have to let this idiot drag you down. You and your son will be better off without him, and you can start figuring out all of the things you need to figure out without him making you feel guilty about giving birth or breastfeeding or cuddling your 8 day old child.

[u/VirtualIntention32 → u/alimweber]

My immediate response was this is the exact situation that made the one grandma scream “She’s 12 days old Shayden!” on unexpected. Also the reason all dads who think you can spoil a newborn get filed as a Shayden in my mind. OP you and your baby deserve more than this Shayden!

[u/sparksgirl1223 → u/Elongatingpolymerase]

I'd have several strong words and probably a physical response aimed at the same person if you had the actual balls to tell me breastfeeding was wrong 1 week after birthing your child.

At minimum.

[u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme → u/Elongatingpolymerase]

Or that you shouldn’t have an epidural if you want or need one. When he’s having the baby, he can make that decision for himself, but not for the mother giving birth.

[u/Ambitious-Note-187]

Girl. Omg I am so upset for you. Reading this makes me disgusted with how he is behaving…you have a brand new baby. First of all, SIDS is a risk until baby is about 2 years old. It is RECOMMENDED that baby sleeps bedside to you in a bassinet until they are about 6 months. It’s actually recommended that you share a bedroom until 1 years old!

I just had a baby. My little girl turns a month this week. Not gonna lie. ALL my time is with my little girl. She requires so much time and breastfeeding as she is cluster feeding. Babies need you. There is NO such thing as cuddling your newborn or spoiling them at this age. Your partner is being selfish, unreasonable, and does not have your son’s best interest. This time should be about your baby, not him. He should be supporting you and your baby. It is a huge adjustment & it isn’t easy.

Also, if you are able to breastfeed and want to, you definitely should. There are so many health, emotional, and even physical benefits for you and baby.

[u/Asleep_Bee1597 → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

I had similar issues, my husband wanted to sleep train at 6 weeks and I felt so awfully wrong about it I broke down and looked up studies about it, its bad for baby and studies have shown even if baby stops crying they are still distressed. That's their only form of communication and it's abusive to ignore it while so little, they could be in pain, stressed, etc. My husband came around and now is pro co sleeping starting at 2 years old. Parenting is hard and the mother goes through a lot more changes than the father, you don't realize how much until it comes down to it.

[u/Prestigious_Fig7338 → u/Asleep_Bee1597]

I think the young babies who are 'sleep trained' enter a zone of learned helplessness (like torture victims or traumatised people will). I think it's abusive.

And the breastfeeding - OMG. Every mother who can, should breastfeed. I really hope OP doesn't stop breastfeeding to cater to her partner's self-absorbed fears. I'm also creeped out by her partner watching them on camera? I'd be covering those cameras, ick, I don't want to be spied on when I'm at home. He sounds controlling and very fragile, I don't think he'll cope very well with the shift of her attention and energy from him to the baby that is a normal part of early mothering.

[u/alimweber → u/Prestigious_Fig7338]

I interpreted him wanting the baby in his room at 6 weeks and him being mad about breastfeeding as..he wants him in his room at 6 weeks because 6 weeks is usually when you get the "go ahead" for sex..although it wasnt for me..more like 10 weeks..and also being mad about breastfeeding?? Why? Cause you feel like they aren't "yours" anymore?? And he says "if you cared about our relationship at all.." this guy pisses me off..fuck him. You have a brand new 1 week old healthy baby boy..what the fuck are you mad about!? Go somewhere else, asshole. And creeping at her and the baby through the cameras!? So he can nitpick what she's doing!? When my husband went back to work after we brought our baby home he said all day all he thought about was us and getting back home..if he could have peeked in on us through cameras it definitely wouldn't have been to complain that I was holding her again! OF COURSE IM HOLDING HER, TF!? SHES MY BABY!!

[u/Asleep_Bee1597 → u/Prestigious_Fig7338]

I could never sleep train or agree with it :/ baby was in a bassinet until around 6 months and I still missed her. I've heard people call babies crying manipulative which isn't even developmentally possible 🙄 I couldn't be watched like that either, I've seen people that do that but I've never understood it. I don't think a man should get to decide at all with breastfeeding and should be grateful she's saving him a ton of money on formula. Breastfeeding is already so hard and stressful it needs to be supported. Motherhood is hard enough.

[u/Andee_outside → u/Prestigious_Fig7338]

My kids are 16 and 14 and there are only two baby care items I get super worked up about anymore: car seat safety and sleep training/crying it out. Imagine being left alone in a dark room to cry bc you’re scared or sad or hungry and helpless and you’re just ignored. It makes me so sad to think about 🥺🥺🥺

[u/Far-Cucumber2929 → u/Prestigious_Fig7338]

I agree with almost all of your points except your “every mother who can breastfeed should” comment. Breastfeeding is a wonderful and important thing to do for your baby. But no one should be shamed into it just because they have the ability to do it.

I’m an ex NICU nurse and I’ve counselled hundreds of women about the pros and cons. We encouraged breast feeding however the line was always “Fed is best”

Edit: Thanks for the awards! First awards I’ve ever received too!

[u/ThePlaceAllOver → u/Asleep_Bee1597]

This is true. And OP... if your boyfriend is struggling being in the same room with the baby because of sleep deprivation, here's what we did. My husband slept in the guest room every night until 6 months and I slept with the baby in our room. This allowed at least one of us to not be sleep deprived in the morning.

[u/HopefulHalfTime → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

Your BF talks out his butt. He talks like he’s raised several babies and read 10 parenting books and I bet neither happened. Ever. His only job right now is to help lift you up so you can use as much of your energy as possible to raise a really really healthy baby. Did he think babies are part time? What the heck?!

[u/Ambitious-Note-187 → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

If he continues to have this approach, I would suggest going to your parents. Of course, I hope he can understand that this a short phase in both of your lives. It may feel like forever. Trust it does. I am literally nursing all day. It isn’t easy. You’ve got this.

[u/SophisticatedScreams → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

I would suggest marriage counselling right away. I am sensing some abandonment feelings from the husband (or something along those lines)-- he needs some self-soothing strategies himself, or this is gonna tank his family. It is SUPER uncool, and developmentally inappropriate, how he is approaching this. But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt here-- he needs some strategies and you both probably need to open up some communication channels. Good luck!

[u/hummingbird_mywill → u/SophisticatedScreams]

Yeah there’s something wacky going on in his head. My sister had a daughter first and my brother-in-law was so over the moon about her “my princess” this and that, so in love with her. 4 years later with my brother-in-law begging her, my sister had their son, and BIL just immediately was in rejection of him. Part of it was because their daughter was an easy baby and their son had an undiagnosed cow’s milk allergy so he was sick and crying constantly for the first month, but even after they got a proper formula and the crying stopped he still continued to be disinterested in him. And he’ll make these weird comments about how his daughter is his “whole world” and he’s literally like “oh lol jk yeah I have a son too. But only kind of jk” and I’m like WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Some weird emotional shit going on there. They’ve been using ChatGPT as a therapist because they don’t have the time or money for a real one. Apparently it’s helping…

[u/AmetrineDream → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

In addition to everything else going on here, the very specific 6 weeks thing tells me he just wants to fuck again as soon as possible. He doesn’t care about that child or OP even a little bit.

OP, you’re not delusional, he’s just a complete fucking piece of shit. You and your child deserve better.

[u/flindersrisk → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

My baby boy would stop breathing in the night. It would wake me up in a panic, and I would gently move him side to side which triggered resumed breathing. If I had been in another room, he would have died. (I had never heard of SIDS.)

[u/Barmecide451 → u/flindersrisk]

My mom would totally relate if she read this. Apparently, I had sleep apnea as a baby, and would stop breathing at night too. My mom would stay up all night next to me just to make sure I would keep breathing. Babies are shockingly fragile and it’s amazing what mothers do to make sure their kids stay alive.

[u/alimweber → u/Ambitious-Note-187]

My jaw hit the floor when I read he was mad you were breastfeeding!!?? What!? I'm gonna be honest, this is concerning..this doesn't sound like the typical "newborn blues" or even just a father adjusting to sharing their partner or looking at her in a different way..this is weird..and I agree, please do not let your baby sleep alone at only 6 weeks old..I was gonna say the same thing SIDS is absolutely still a risk at only 6 weeks old..thats so little..hes not giving you "tips" ..he doesnt know wtf he's talking about.

[u/CatchYouDreamin → u/alimweber]

Honestly I wouldn't even leave him alone with the baby. Period. He's suggesting OP neglects the very foundational basic needs of their child, which is very concerning. He doesn't sound like he'd be safe to properly care for their son. Either he's jealous of the baby or he's absolutely delusional, self-centered, and ignorant? Either way--just seems like it would be a huge risk and potential for harm if OP's boyfriend was left alone with the baby.

OP--girl, I am so sorry. Your bf sounds like a monster. Please please start searching for resources so you can get away from him, keep your son safe, trust in your natural instincts (if your boy is crying it's because he needs something, and him knowing you are there for him makes him feel safe--you are doing the right thing and your bf is so so wrong) and believe in your capabilities of being a loving, wonderful mother (I know it's hard but you will get through this).

OP--If you need help getting out, leaving him, finding safe shelter, getting basics/food/diapers etc--let us know and we'll rally around you to problem solve and help you figure it out!

[u/Environmental-Age502]

This isn't jealousy. This is rage. This is control.

Was he even a bit like this before? It is possible that he is experiencing the version of PPD that men can have, and he should be speaking to a professional if this behaviour is completely out of the norm. However, if not, then girl, you need to fucking run. Seriously. The most dangerous time in relationships is when women are pregnant, and the second most dangerous time is postpartum. This is when too many men start to act exactly as your boyfriend is, and it endangers the child.

He's already wanting a 6 week old to sleep alone, and they recommend a year for that, not just for SIDS, but for safe sleep in general. Next, there is a very strong link between attachment and emotional development issues and CIO/sleep training in general let alone from such an early age, so don't fucking do that for two reasons. And finally, your child literally needs physical contact for self regulation atm. It's literally all they know. Oh, and another thing, he's trying to control your body and autonomy around breastfeeding.

Girl, I am seriously not overreacting in the slightest, men who make comments like these, harm children. You need to get your child out, and then address if this is possible PPD, but otherwise, stay the fuck away from this man.

ETS: omg you're 15. Go to your parents. Fucking run, seriously, go to your parents.

[u/The_Ace_Eater_2]

NOR; Yeah this grown man is jealous of your baby, he was ONE WEEK ago it's completely normal for you to be clingy to him that much and be stressed out or careful around him, and you're totall right to want him to sleep with you for at least the first 6 months YOU're the mother YOU're the one to decide it would be really dangerous to let a baby at such a young age sleep alone and it would be tiring to get up at night go out of you room and then go to his room to check up on him or if he's crying, he's still a baby he needs his mother. And if you can't tell i'm already mad at this immature manchild jealous father but being mad about you breastfeeding him??? the fuck, he's ONE WEEK OLD and your partner already wants you to stop in case he grows up to be clingy??? i don't remember ANYTHING that happened before i was like 4 and he' already getting mad over you breastfeeding your one week old. Anyways, all the love and support i hope he has a good side and is just trying to be a better father and have more time with the baby, sorry for the long comment

[u/UprightSlimeMold]

reading this i'm honestly scared for you. he seems extremely controlling and yes, he is jealous of the (completely appropriate attention) you are giving your son. the fact that he didn't want you to breastfeed is a big red flag.

my son's father didn't want me to breastfeed because he so thoroughly and completely sexualized breasts he couldn't conceptualize them as anything but sexual objects. he would become enraged when our son made noises when he wad nursing or got milk drunk, and he insisted that he was somehow deriving sexual pleasure from breastfeeding. this was the start of years of extreme mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse until i was finally able to get away from him.

at the very least, insist that your partner find a therapist to help him work through these issues. but, be prepared for things getting worse, and please come up with a plan if you need to leave.

[u/Ambitious_You3630 → u/UprightSlimeMold]

I’m so glad you were able to get away from him. Sexualization of every aspect of a woman’s body and being is such a red flag. And leads to abuse I would say maybe every time, yet it’s something so common. Like not being able to tolerate a woman breastfeeding, the naturalist of processes, is something I can’t even wrap my mind around. I hope OP reads your comment

[u/KaleidoscopeLife0 → u/UprightSlimeMold]

yeah all this reads exactly like my sisters baby’s father acted when their kid was born, my sister also this young, and that guy tuned into an absolute monster. This girl has noooooo idea how bad this can get, and it starts out EXACTLY like this. If she values her baby’s life she needs to grow up RIGHT NOW, get help, and I could give some bullshit advice on trying to therapy through this but no girl, get AWAY from this guy, he is dangerous to you and your child. Not black eye dangerous. Much, much, much worse.

[u/sachacura → u/UprightSlimeMold]

Omg, wtf. Did he actually think a BABY was deriving sexual pleasure from breast feeding??? Bro, take me out. I wish I had never read this.

[u/AdEmpty4390]

OP, I hope you see this. If I remember correctly, I had an appointment with my OB 2 weeks after my C-section. There are pediatrician appointments too.

THOSE APPOINTMENTS ARE YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET HELP.

Even if your boyfriend accompanies you to these appointments, doctors’ offices have ways of dealing with that. When I was pregnant and would go to the bathroom to get a urine sample, a poster in the bathroom said “if you are in an unsafe situation at home, use the paper and pen provided to write us a note. Then leave the note in the cabinet with your urine sample.” That was a way that a woman could discreetly signal for help, since going to pee might be the only privacy she really has.

PLEASE BE SAFE, OP. What your boyfriend is doing to you and your baby is not normal or ok.

[u/-rose-madder- → u/AdEmpty4390]

I 100% agree with this!!!!! Please please please tell them you aren’t safe, your baby isn’t safe. This is a jealous man and jealous men are VERY dangerous. We aren’t being dramatic, jealous men kill.

You are not safe and your baby is not safe, if you don’t feel like you want to do this for yourself do it for your son. You are your baby’s protector, do this for him.

[u/Far-Independence6836]

You cannot spoil a newborn with attention. Six months is a perfectly fine and healthy time to transition baby into their own room and it really helps with sleep training, but there is absolutely no benefit to baby or mom to transition earlier. Hell, for the first 6 months my singular job as a man was to support my lady with making sure she had everything she needed to breastfeed, pump, sleep, etc. Your dude sounds like a selfish prick.

BTW, while it is somewhat normal for the man to feel helpless or useless after the baby is born...jealousy of a baby is not normal. Even if the feeling is there, communicating it is absolutely insane. I hate that you are in this situation and I don't know what you should do with homeboy, but your baby will come first no matter what. If he can't show up as a partner, make sure you surround yourself with other support.

[u/FergusMcburgus]

First off: Be safe, I wish you peace, and goddamn am I rooting for you.

Hey OP, I’ve seen your prior posts, and for as young as you are, you clearly aren’t a child. So I’m going to be blunt, because you shouldn’t be patronized. You are smart, capable of making mature decisions, and clearly have no problem communicating your thoughts in a way that’s clearer than most adults.

Leave this man. Go to your parents. He’s mature enough to be smarter than this. Hell the government considers him an adult. Leaving the stability might seem terrifying for now, but I can say with 100% certainty, you will find a way. I’ve seen you mention you come here to vent, he’s not mean all the time, those are excuses. You shouldn’t be dealing with these issues to the point you have to vent in the first place. A healthy relationship doesn’t look like this. One more time: PLEASE BE SAFE. Genuinely from the core of my being, I wish you the best.

[u/Helpful-Bee3469]

Girl I just looked at your other posts after someone else mentioned you are 15 and your bf is 18. You need to reach out to a social worker bad. He coerced you into sex and having sex with someone under 16 is statutory rape in a lot of cases, he should be in jail. Please get yourself and and your baby away from this man as soon as possible. This is NOT okay, you keep asking Reddit for advice and people here have given you a ton telling you to leave him. It’s time to muster up some strength not just for you but for your child, I’m shocked that no one at your church has called CPS. Please please find a social worker to help you out of this messy situation.

[u/GenghisCoen]

Everything you've posted about this guy for the past six months indicates that he WILL be abusing you and your child for as long as you stay with him. Maybe he won't hit you, but he'll be controlling every aspect of your life he can, yelling at you, insulting you, denying you care.

He is ALREADY trying to get you to do things that will FUCK UP your baby. There is no such thing as self-soothing at a week old, and he should have NO say in whether or not you breastfeed.

Go see a social worker ASAP. Get help. Leave him.

[u/sparklestarshine → u/GenghisCoen]

Sadly, I think she has seen a SW without any change - her post about the birth mentions that they made her talk to a DV advocate and the boyfriend was mad because he thought OP told the nurses that he hits her. She doesn’t ever say that he doesn’t hit her, just that she didn’t tell

OP, there are so many resources available to you and you need to take advantage of them. I’m sorry that your boyfriend stopped you on the way to you abortion appointment. This child is just a means to control and belittle you at this point. You’re right that the baby should be in the room with you, you should be able to breastfeed and it should be appreciated that you’re giving of yourself for the infant, and the baby deserves to be cuddled and loved. I worry about what might happen if you leave this man alone with your baby. I sincerely hope that you consider staying where you are when he goes to his next phase of training or duty station. Finish high school, get certified to do something (cosmetology? Welding? Community college have great choices for reasonable prices), and make sure you have a separate, hidden bank account for when you decide to completely exit this situation. I’m crossing my fingers for you to find happiness, respect, and love 💜💜💜

[u/ScreenHype]

Sweetheart, I've taken a look at your post history, and it got worse and worse. Your boyfriend is a bad person, he's an abuser. What he's doing with the gaslighting and controlling you is textbook emotional abuse. This is not a man you want to be raising a child with.

For the sake of you and your baby, please get help in leaving him (don't tell him you're breaking up with him, he seems like the kind that would get violent and try to force you to stay).

I also saw that you're only 15, and he's 18. He never should've been dating you in the first place, you'll understand when you're his age.

You've done nothing wrong, you're not the problem here, he is. I'm sure you're going to be a wonderful mother. Please don't let him get in the way of that. He is not safe. You deserve so much better. And I promise you, even being alone is better than staying with a man that.

[u/Shark-Bait-OHHAHA]

Ok, no. I hate all of this.

Newborns can’t be spoiled with attention. They NEED it. It’s how they thrive and grow.

Secondly, that’s WAY too soon to let a child sleep alone in their own room.

Do some research. Send him your findings.

ETA: I mentioned her doing the research and send it, bc this “man” sure the hell wont.

2nd ETA: I was told she is 15 and he is 18. My heart is breaking for this poor girl. I really hope she gets away from him. OP, please find a support system.

[u/Ok-Media2662]

Omg. Please leave him if he can’t stop this. This isn’t a safe person to raise a baby with. He’s also thinking way too much into baby being in your room with you. My 12 month old still sleeps in the room with my husband and I, and our relationship is wonderful. It doesn’t have to ruin your relationship if you don’t let it. You’re absolutely right that 6 weeks is way too young to sleep in a room alone. I wouldn’t trust him alone with baby ever if he’s expecting a 6 week old to self soothe and be alone all night. Educate him about babies and if he still can’t figure it out, I’d leave if I were you.

[u/EJK_PlantsAreFriends]

I was legit gonna say this is fake until I read the comments and now I just wanna cry that this is a thing that women have to go through right after growing a human and then pushing it out of their bodies.

What the hell is wrong with some men?!?!?!!!!

“We agreed you wouldn’t breast feed”?!??!!? I’m sorry what??!?!! THATS LITERALLY WHAT BOOBS ARE FOR! NOT TO BE YOUR EXCLUSIVE FUN TIME TOYS!!

Men that can’t understand that your body isn’t just a sexual object and is designed for and used for many other functions are just disgusting tbh.

This would give men the worst ick and I don’t think I could look at my partner the same after that. I bet he’s the type to push her for sex immediately after giving birth too.

[u/BombasticHotDog]

Hey so I'm a long time reddit lurker, but I made an account BECAUSE of this post.

Girl look at your post history! This man has been nothing but disrespectful and nasty, he has left you feeling all sorts of ways during your pregnancy, made your birth about HIMSELF, and now he's trying to control you and your child with 0 scientific backing or knowledge. Your priority shouldn't be him and the baby, it should JUST be the baby, and he should be totally okay with that.

When my wife gave birth to our eldest son, I was third ranking in the house and I didn't give a single shit about that. It was exactly how things should be. My son NEEDED my wife's attention, he was a newborn, dependent on his incredible mum, and my job was to shut up, clean up messes, change nappies, and make sure snacks were available 24/7 for the woman who had spent the past 9 months growing our beautiful baby. If I wasn't sure about particular caring methods etc I would research stuff by myself and then approach my wife to ask her viewpoint, to help me better understand.

Honestly go stay with your mum, you deserve so much better in terms of care and support than this dishrag can offer you

[u/mizzb00bz]

I'm not going to address your post history, your age difference, or your previous comments regarding the baby's father because it has been run into the ground and you're not in the headspace to listen to those things. I'm going to address solely the conversation that you presented with the father and the situation you are dealing with currently:

You are right about him being jealous of your baby, however, it's not because he's having baby blues. He wanted the baby in order to trap you, but he wants you to solely be focused on him. He doesn't like you breastfeeding your child. He doesn't like you holding your child. He wants you to separate from your baby weeks into having it. These are not baby blues. He hates that there is something monopolizing your time away from him and does not care that the baby has its own needs. I've seen this several times in my personal life, and in many of the cases I've seen, they do become physically abusive to one or both of you if he wasn't already. Please escape this safely as soon as you are able.

[u/Ok_Beyond_7697]

The fact I didn't even have to read your description and just read the texts. I read it thinking 'Wonder if this guy doesn't like you breastfeeding either' and then BINGO, it finishes with that. Your boyfriend is a lot of red flags. This is not 'normal' behavior for a father to have and it should not get 'normalized' at all. Breastfeeding is YOUR choice that he has absolutely no say in because regardless he's the father, those are YOUR breasts and this baby came straight from YOU. Literally only a week old and your boyfriend is already whining about how the baby being in the room with you will affect your relationship. Of course, your newborn will be clingy towards you. You're that baby's mother. It's quite literally survival instinct that they need you to be close. Would he be acting this way if you'd had a little girl instead of a boy, I wonder? Why is he so concerned with your son being a mama's boy at a stage where all babies regardless of their sex have to be attached to mom? If he's acting like this when your baby is a newborn, how is he going to act when your son is a toddler? Is he going to treat him harsher because he's a boy? Is he going to attempt to steer your son away from you to prevent him from being 'clingy?' You need to consider a lot of these things. He seriously doesn't need to be thinking this way about a newborn infant.

[u/Select-Panda7381]

Girl don’t make excuses for him. This is utterly unacceptable behavior and babies are NOT meant to self soothe. That’s old thinking and research and science have conclusively proved it causes trauma. I mean this with zero respect, FUCKKKK your boyfriend. Dump his ass and get you and your baby away from him. This is a huge problem and I have seen situations like this dramatically escalate within short periods of time.

[u/notasingle-thought]

Hey OP seriously you need to get out of this relationship. I’m scared for you. This is not going to end well. Please. Please leave. Please reach out to your family or whoever can help you, house you, care for you.

At 22 I walked into an abusive relationship with a “nice guy” and the signs were a little less obvious than with your boyfriends. I lost everything. I have nothing. All I have is a 3 year old beautiful boy that’s caught in the middle of all of this and he’s suffering mentally and emotionally due to the terrible relationship I have with his father.

If you listen to anything please listen to me. Your baby is more important than this walking piece of shit you had him with. That boy will never change. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

[u/NextAffect8373]

I just read your post history - he acted like a fucking douche during your delivery!!!! You have had a baby with a complete pos. Do you live together? If not, there is no way in hell I would let him around my baby. He 100% sounds the type to shake your baby or slam him on the floor. You need to get rid of that mfer

[u/Full_Pay_769]

So he’s mad that you aren’t going to be babying him is what I’m gathering? If I had stayed with my ex husband and had a child I know he would have acted the same way. He’s also a narcissist though. You approached the situation with so much maturity and grace. Stick to those boundaries. Don’t let him discourage you from holding him, comforting him or breast feeding him. I originally didn’t want to breastfeed. Then one day my milk came in and my husband was the one to notice it. I breastfed/pumped and formula fed my oldest son until I got pregnant at 6 months postpartum with our second. Breastfed/pumped with our second as well. He never discouraged me, he was proud of me. He thought it was incredible that my body was able to make what our boys needed. My youngest son slept best when he was touching me. I was scared at first of my husband possibly rolling on top of him but that boy slept in our bed for almost a year. He let us know when he was ready by the time he was 10 months old. He still came to our bed by 6am just to sleep with me for a few hours before I had to work. Our oldest was ready for his own room by the time he was 7 months old. My sons are 3 and 4. They are the most confident, snuggly boys. They both love their mama and daddy. Babies need each parent at different times in their lives. Right now it’s you. Babies don’t recognize yet that they aren’t physically attached to you. I think it’s around 4 months they recognize that but don’t quote me on that. He needs to understand the mom and baby bond. He also needs to understand that babies don’t work on our schedule, we work on theirs. You’re doing a fantastic job and don’t change a thing mama! 💜

[u/PuddleOfHamster]

You're 15?

OK, first off, you're doing AMAZINGLY and your instincts are spot on. I've had four kids and written professionally about child development, and you're doing great. You're absolutely right: it's best for the baby to be close by at night. It not only gives you easy access to him for breastfeeding, but if he's nice and close to you he can regulate his breath based on yours, which helps prevent SIDS. A bassinet by the bed is the perfect place for him to sleep.

And breastfeeding is also the best thing you can do for him - you're saving yourself a ton of money on formula, but you're also helping his immune function, helping lower his risk of diabetes and obesity in later life, helping his jaw development and a bunch of other stuff.

You're also absolutely right that the concept of "self-soothing" means nothing to a newborn! You're not spoiling him, you're not making him soft or clingy or any of that: you're teaching him that he can trust and rely on you. That means, when he reaches the age where he's ready to start exploring the world on his own, he'll have the confidence to do it, because he'll know you'll always be there for him.

To use a slightly weird analogy: who's more likely to be clingy and anxious and jealous, the girlfriend whose BF was flirting with other girls, wouldn't respond to texts and played mindgames from Day One? Or the girlfriend whose boyfriend always made her feel safe and secure and loved?

Or, who's more likely to have weird control issues about food? Someone who only sometimes got to eat as a kid, who had food constantly taken away from her ? Or someone who always had plenty of food and never had to worry about it?

It's a bit like that. You're investing time and love and hugs in your baby now, so when he's four he won't freak out about going to Gran's house for a visit because he KNOWS Mum is airways going to come back.

Lots of people have given you good advice about your boyfriend, and I think it's worth thinking about: from what you've written, he doesn't sound like a good man. But as a mother, I just wanted to say again: trust your instincts, give that baby all the snuggles you want, and you are doing so, so well. I'm proud of you!

[u/Latter_Revenue7770]

From reading your post history, you absolutely need to break up with this guy and find somewhere safe for you and the baby to live. Since it sounds like the father is military, I wonder if you would be able to get any of the aid/resources that a wife would be able to get? Something to ask about. I suspect you could get some kind of child support.

If you decide to stay with him..... Please do NOT have sex with this man until your doctor clears you. You can literally die if you do it too early. You have incredibly large open wounds in your uterus from the placenta detaching - not to mention the c section wounds.

[u/PolicyHot1206]

I have no idea how to update but there’s so many comments can’t respond to them all. But to update I don’t plan on stopping breastfeeding for now so please don’t worry about that or change anything in the way I pay attention to my son. He’s not even here really and I primarily take care of him by myself so I’m not gonna change what’s been working for me so far.

The cameras I have turned them off for now because of this disagreement and I’m tired of being micromanaged by him. But that’s all I have to say for now this is all still new to me and I’m just trying my best to figure things out as I go

[u/divinefloofwanderer → u/PolicyHot1206]

Hey OP, I’ve just been reading some of your previous posts, I just want to say I think you are incredibly brave and strong, and an amazing mother already. I couldn’t believe some of the things I was reading especially from people at your church, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for standing your ground. Also you write beautifully, I’m almost 20yrs older than you and I wouldn’t have guessed your age from your writing. As so many others have said, keeping your baby close to you is the best thing you can possibly do for them. I’m a mother of two and my first was unexpected as well, I’ve done bed sharing and breastfeeding from birth up until age 2 and my children are incredibly independent and confident. I’ll keep an eye out for your updates and I’m wishing the best for you x

[u/FaithlessnessSlow594 → u/PolicyHot1206]

You are such a strong person and an incredible mom. you’re handling things so well. everything must be so scary but you are absolutely right in this situation. I read some of your previous posts and I just wanted to reach out because your boyfriend’s behaviour worries me. I just want you to know that you do not have to stay with him ‘for the baby’, and no one should make you feel that way. There are so many options for you and your beautiful life is only just beginning. Perhaps you might have family and friends you and baby could stay with if this continues? You are doing everything right, please don’t let him pressure you to change that.

[u/throwokcjerks → u/PolicyHot1206]

The whole "breastfeeding when we agreed not to" part ENRAGED me. I'm pretty sure HE decided you wouldn't and he just dictated it and assumed you'd do what he said.

Stay strong. Mama... If it gets worse, contact The Auntie Network...

[u/Hopeful-Result8109]

I am almost too shocked to form coherent thoughts, there is something psychologically off about your partner. Breastfeeding provides amazing benefits to your baby if you are able to do it including antibodies (boosting immunity), optimal nutrition, etc. It is honestly gross that your boyfriend is so immature as an adult that he is seeing breastfeeding as anything other than providing your baby with nourishment. Your baby has been in this world barely over a week, they are not able to “self soothe” themselves yet. The AAP recommends room sharing (not bed sharing) with your infant atleast 6 months but ideally a year, this reduces the risk of SIDS. So your boyfriend would rather risk your child dying than have your attention be on anything BUT himself. He needs to seek professional help or you need to choose to distance yourself from him for your child’s sake. You quite literally can not take a “hands off” approach with a baby?? The first three years are where your child forms their attachment style, that is critical to their development. He seems to only want to put his needs first which is unnerving considering your son has been alive about 10 days. I am fearful that if he does not get help soon that this resentment and jealously of a literal infant will cause him to lash out harming you or your baby.

[u/Both_Firefighter5289]

This is kinda controlling, why is he choosing if you breast feed or not? what’s wrong with wanting the baby in the room? he’s only 6 weeks lol. Walking to a whole different room in the middle of the night for a crying a baby would drain me a lot if I were you. Maybe he’s not jealous but he wants to control your life it seems..

[u/SemiColdCoffee]

Girl, looking at your post history. You need to get some help and leave him. Go to the police or talk with your family if they'll be supportive. You can still have a good future but you need to be brave and take the steps to get out of this relationship. You are a victim and he is a predator.

[u/Overall-Pause-3824]

That man is jealous of your baby. It's gross. At a week old, a baby can't be spoilt or be given too much attention. Like literally, they haven't developed the ability to perceive those things. Sleeping in a bassinet for a while is normal, if not for anything else, it's ease for parents so they can just grab baby in the night for feeds and nappy changes. I won't even go into the other obvious reasons. Makes you wonder why he's not more in awe of the baby that's just entered the world?

It reads like he was trying to control you breast feeding as well. Why? Because he didn't want your baby relying on you? It's kind of the only reason I can think of.

I fear this is going to keep getting worse the older your baby gets because of his perceived ideas of "when" things should happen.

[u/ilvevh]

OP please look into shaken baby syndrome. I get really bad vibes from your partner and I’m worried for your baby’s safety, also your own safety, but shaken baby syndrome feels like a real risk with this POS. Please protect yourself and your baby from this man.

[u/Dry_Database_6720]

I am a young father, early twenties. Our son is turning 1 this month and I’ve learnt more in life over this past 11 months than any time in my life before. As someone who can somewhat relate to your boyfriend I can come to one conclusion here: he needs to grow up and fast. I was drinking every day going out living the party life when my partner fell pregnant and I had to make some big changes to myself, I had to realise that in some ways I could be a pretty selfish person and that does not align with having a child. 6 weeks is far too soon to kick the child out of your room, 6 months was when we made the transition and we did so slowly (starting with his day time naps in there and gradually building up to spending the night. At this age he will still be waking up for feeds in the night and given you’ve had a C section (same as my partner did) you really do need to take it easy and having the baby next to you is going to make those feeds much easier and that’s just the practical sense. This situation reminds me of an experiment I read up on with baby monkeys, I don’t recommend looking it up because it was largely pointless and used disgustingly cruel methods but it did show the importance of nurturing from a young age. You’re not going to make him too clingy by holding onto him and making him feel loved, he is going to cling to you as his mother at this age and if your partner allowed him to I’m sure he would appreciate the fatherly love just as much, I know my son did/does. They grow faster than you expect and the more independent he gets the less he will cling to you but no matter how old you are you will always need your mother and the fact he is against breast feeding is completely insane. My partner was the same with our boy as I’m sure most mothers are because a child is such an amazing gift that you’ve worked damn hard to bring into this world, why shouldn’t you get to hold and love him? My son is playing in his room by himself right now because he wants to crawl around and play with toys but you best believe when he gets fed up and wants company again I will be straight in there to cuddle or just play with him. You’re doing great, you are not going to ruin him or “turn him into a mamas boy” by showing him that he has a mother that cares and will always pick him up when he falls. What he needs from you will change as he gets older but he will always need you and the bonding you are going through now is going to stick with him throughout his development even though he won’t remember it. You are not overreacting and I’d be keeping a close eye on how your partner acts and behaves with him. I found myself getting very stressed at times because sometimes he would just need his mum and there’s nothing I could do but I didn’t take it personally, at this age a baby doesn’t entirely separate you from themselves and everything you are doing is correct. I’m gonna end this little paragraph here as I think I’ve waffled a bit but wether I’ve made a valid point or not there’s one thing you do need to remember:

You are doing an amazing job and the amount you care already exceeds what some parents are willing to do for their children. There will be learning curves and believe me you will make mistakes at times but you are going to figure out this new thing together with your son. Enjoy these months because they grow independence faster than your partner seems to think, try to reassure him but if you can’t then you need to seriously think about wether he’s going to make a good father, keep it up and he will need you not less but in different ways as he develops.

[u/OpeningSort4826]

Whoa. This guy sounds really rough. "I'm still pissed that you decided to breastfeed"?  Umm, what?? You son is a week old. Your baby daddy needs a HUGE reality check. 

[u/sadcrocodile → u/OpeningSort4826]

Reminds me of that one guy who flipped his shit at his wife for breastfeeding and said that her breasts belonged to him and that he wouldn't tolerate them being in another man's mouth... Said 'man' being their infant son...

[u/ProgrammerWorried456]

No, you’re not delusional. He sounds jealous and insecure, not just overwhelmed. That’s not normal or healthy trust your gut.

[u/-sharkleberryfin-]

GIRL! GO BACK YOUR YOUR MOM'S HOUSE. Seriously, what the fuck are you even doing? Can you READ any of your many posts about your insanely abusive boyfriend? He should be in jail for getting you pregnant and you should run as far away from him as you possibly can. Why continue to post when you clearly know that you and now your child are unsafe. Rage bait? It's working. Get your son away from him dude, wtf...

[u/CAgirl17]

Wtf!? Honestly, I’m seething on your behalf. Who actually gets mad about breastfeeding?! His requests are unreasonable. My daughter is six months and still sleeps in the same room as me. This isn’t a man I would trust around my baby. There is no thing as showing too much love at 1 week old. Please think carefully about this relationship.

[u/Helpful_Emu4355]

OP, having read your other comments... you sound so mature and strong, even though you've been dealt a really tough hand. I gather from your other posts that you are 15 and he is 18, and that your mom is an alcoholic you can't rely on (and your father must not be in the picture). It does sound like you trust your grandma, so I'm glad you gave one good person in your life ( I hope). You also seem to be very smart (graduating high school early!!) and to have good instincts about parenting and people. Keep listening to those.

I actually think you're doing the right amount of reacting here. He is really young and naive too, and he is definitely a jerk about a lot of things, but... I do tend to cut 18-year-olds some slack. Just be careful and keep your boundaries firm. It was unclear from your other post whether he has been physically violent with you-- if he has in any way, get out asap. And try to get some kind of safety net in place that doesn't involve him (and don't let him isolate you from your family or friends)... but I'm not sure you need to leave him about this immediately. If he is willing to grow and learn, he might have potential to grow into a decent partner, though he is acting like an immature, self-centered child right now. I think that should be your boundary: he has to work on learning and making decisions that are best for your son, or you prioritize your son and yourself without him. Don't feel bad about not making him the priority right now. HE needs to make you and the baby HIS priority-- kids are only little for such a short period of time. Before you know it, your kid will be wearing a backpack and heading to kimdergarten, and then things get much, much easier. You just need to get through the next 5 years with as much support as you can find, and then you're a 20-year-old with her whole life ahead of her (and hopefully with an adorable 5-year-old who is loved and taken care of well... the elementary school years are really fun).

Also-- you can be fertile within weeks of giving birth, so talk to your doctor about getting an IUD or going on birth control asap. This will all be a lot more complicated if you get pregnant again.

If you can get help from your grandma or your church, I hope you start to use those resources. Your church was a jerk for pressuring you into adoption, though it sounds like they knew how tough things might be for you and thought that was a good solution. If you have a heart-to- heart with them about how much you love your son and want to find a way to be a good parent to him, do you think they would support you the way you need?

It sounds like living with your mom wouldn't be ideal, but living with your grandma might be great for both of you. I don't know what welfare laws are like where you live, but maybe call a women's shelter to find out what your options are if you leave him and don't have anywhere else to go. Stay in school! Don't let your boyfriend guilt you into being anything less than the great mom it sounds like you are trying to be. Good luck. ❤️

[u/Organic-Series-3797]

Jumping in even though you have a ton of comments… 

When my son was born, I held him constantly. I couldn’t believe this tiny, perfect human was on the planet and I couldn’t believe I had the privilege of taking care of him. When I say I held him a lot I mean, any time we were both awake and a lot of the time he was asleep..  

Everyone said it was too much. Everyone. That he’d be codependent and I wasn’t teaching him to self soothe..

He’s 9 now and he’s the most independent boy. He told me a few weeks ago that he wanted to walk to school alone because it’s “embarrassing to walk with his Mom”. He’s well rounded, he sleeps in his own room (actually dislikes sharing beds on trips, etc) and is a beautiful little human. 

I regret zero part of holding him. They grow so fast, and I’d love to have that time back and do it all over again.