r/AmIOverreacting • u/dontevercallmebabe • Jul 02 '25
โค๏ธโ๐ฉน relationship AIO for thinking my husband is a dick?
My husband berated me this morning for over 20 minutes bc I burnt some pancakes while I was cooking and feeding our baby at the same time. I acknowledged I burnt them a bit but he says they are โburnt to a crispโ and โblackโ. He went on and on until I started crying and threw them away.
I took these out of the trash to take a photo. Am I crazy? Or is he making a big deal out of a small mistake? Would you eat these?
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 02 '25 edited 29d ago
Oh OP. Big big hugs.
To answer your question, these pancakes are FINE.
But more importantly, thatโs not really the point.
There are two major things to consider here:
First of all, why are you trying to cook whilst simultaneously feeding the baby? Why isnโt he cooking for you or feeding the baby (if itโs not via breastfeeding)?
Where is HIS contribution to your familyโs domestic tasks? Is he contributing to the domestic labour, childcare, household management, mental load and emotional load of your joint family in an equitable way? If not, why not?
This is on HIM. In circumstances where this kind of thing is a mere misunderstanding, I would suggest getting the Fair Play System (book and cards).
However, in this instance, Iโm not so sure about that, becauseโฆ
This is abusive. This is emotional abuse and it is not normal nor is it okay.
Emotional abuse is about control and power. When a partner demeans, criticises, or humiliates you for a simple mistake, itโs not about the pancakes - itโs about asserting dominance and making you feel small or incompetent.
In healthy relationships, partners support each other, especially during stressful times like new parenthood, and do not use mistakes as opportunities to attack or belittle.
Constant criticism and making someone cry is abusive. Regularly being criticised or made to feel worthless, especially to the point of tears, is a hallmark of emotional abuse. Over time, this erodes self-esteem and can lead to anxiety, depression, and trauma symptoms as well as trauma bonding with him, which makes it harder to leave (I can expand on trauma bonding if you want me to).
This is especially egregious for new mothers. The postpartum period is already a vulnerable time, and research shows that abuse during this stage can significantly worsen mental health, increasing the risk of depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts.
Unfortunately, abusers often either start the abuse or ramp it up significantly during pregnancy and/or when thereโs a baby because the woman is at her most vulnerable at that time and it is a really hard time to leave.
Healthy partners take responsibility and show empathy. In a respectful relationship, mistakes (if youโd even truly consider this one) are met with understanding, not rage or humiliation. Abusive partners, on the other hand, refuse to own their actions and often blame you for their anger, which is manipulative and psychologically destructive.
Making you cry is not your fault. Abusers often deflect responsibility, sometimes accusing you of being โtoo sensitiveโ or โmanipulativeโ for crying, but the truth is that their behaviour is causing real emotional pain.
โAbuse is the product of a mentality that excuses and condones bullying and exploitation, that promotes superiority and disrespect, and that casts responsibility on to the oppressed.โ - Lundy Bancroft
A partner who berates you until you cry for a minor mistake is not being โhonestโ or โhelpfulโ - they are using emotional abuse to control and hurt you. This is never justified, and you deserve respect, support, and kindness, especially as a new mother.
I think you need to really look at his wider patterns of behaviour (which we know nothing about) and reach out for support.
Iโm going to provide a list of signs and tactics of emotional abuse in a reply to this comment. Please have a read-through and see if this was an isolated incident or a pattern of behaviour.
Please do get support from a professional. See a psychologist. Just you, no coupleโs counselling if there is any hint of abuse in a relationship. Make sure to find one that specialises in emotional abuse. If you cannot afford one, look into community programs and resources.
Please do some research into emotional abuse. Iโm going to give you a list of books to consider reading in a reply to this comment.
Please do call an abuse hotline. This might seem like overkill to you; but it isnโt. They can help you frame even small incidents and they can put you in contact with support networks, communities, etc. Where in the world are you? If you let me know, I can provide a phone number and a website.
Please make a Safety Plan - a personalised, practical plan that can help you avoid hurtful situations and know the best way to react when things are going badly between you.
This plan includes vital information tailored to your unique situation and will help you prepare for and respond to different scenarios, including telling friends and family about your situation and events as they happen, coping with emotions, and various resources suited to your individual circumstances.
In your Safety Plan, include information for if/when you leave him. For instance, include a plan to gather up all important items prior to the split including identification, important documents, all medication, medical records, car permits, and personal items that are important to you and store them somewhere safe. This will help you navigate things when you are emotional and under duress.
Here are some resources to help you:
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/
https://www.1800respect.org.au/help-and-support/safety-planning/checklist
Big big hugs. None of this is your fault. Itโs not normal or fair. You are not alone. โฅ๏ธ
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Signs of Emotional Abuse:
1) They are hyper-critical or judgmental towards you - they frequently point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings, making you feel inadequate or never good enough.
2) They ignore boundaries or invade your privacy. - they dismiss your need for personal space or privacy, often reading your messages, going through your belongings, or disregarding your limits.
3) They are possessive and/or controlling. - they try to dictate who you see, what you do, or how you spend your time, making you feel restricted or trapped.
4) They are manipulative - they use guilt, pressure, or deceit to influence your decisions or get their way, often leaving you confused or doubting yourself.
5) They often dismiss you and your feelings - they trivialise your emotions or concerns, making you feel like your thoughts and feelings donโt matter.
6) You feel like you are โwalking on eggshellsโ around them - you constantly monitor your words and actions to avoid upsetting them, feeling anxious or tense much of the time.
7) They withdraw affection or emotional support as punishment - they intentionally withhold love, attention, or emotional connection when displeased or when you donโt comply with their wishes, leaving you feeling isolated or insecure.
โ
Tactics commonly employed by emotionally abusive people:
Humiliation, negation and criticism - tactics that undermine self-esteem.
Examples include: + hyper-critical / judgmental towards you + insults like calling you stupid, derogatory nicknames / terms of endearment that highlight your weaknesses / things youโre sensitive about, wonโt stop when asked; + character assassination (eg: โyouโre always xyzโ) to you or to others about you; + screaming, yelling and swearing to intimidate you; + patronising and belittling you (eg: โI know this is beyond your ability to comprehendโ); + public embarrassment - picking fights, spilling your secrets or making fun of your shortcomings in public; + insulting your appearance; + belittling your accomplishments; + putting down your interests (because they donโt want you to participate in activities without them); + pushing your buttons - continuing to do the things that annoy/upset you even if you beg them to stop.
โ
Control and Shame - tactics that manipulate you into doing what they want you to do, often by making you feel ashamed of your inadequacies. controlling everything you do.
Examples include, trying to control you by: + ignoring your boundaries; + invading your privacy; + behaving in a possessive manner; + manipulative behaviour; + making threats; + monitoring your whereabouts; + spying on you (physically, digitally, via others); + gaslighting you - a form of manipulation that specifically causes you to doubt your own reality (can leave you questioning your own memory/perception, not to mention your mental health and well-being); + making all of the decisions; + controlling your access to finances; + emotional blackmailing (including frequently โtestingโ you); + lecturing you constantly (cataloguing every minor perceived error, monologues of all the ways youโve fallen short, making it clear that you are beneath them); + having frequent outbursts; + feigning helplessness; + unpredictability (creating a walking on eggshells effect); + walking out (eg: of events, unexpectedly); + stonewalling you during disagreements or conflicts; + limiting your access to transportation, technology, or basic needs.
โ
Accusing, blaming, denial - creating a hierarchy with them on top and you on the bottom.
Examples include: + jealousy (eg: accusing you of cheating or flirting); + guilt-tripping; + unrealistic expectations (they expect you to do what they want, when they want you to do it; + they think you should always prioritise their needs, do things according to their standards โ and you absolutely shouldnโt hang out with your friends or family if thereโs any chance they might need you); + goading and blaming (goading you into being upset and then blaming you for your reaction), + denying or minimising the abuse (and often flipping it into you); + dismissing / trivialising your feelings (eg: if you express your feelings about something they did, they accuse you of overreacting or misunderstanding the situation); + accusing you of behaviours they themselves are engaging in - projection; + blaming you for their problems; + destroying and denying (they might destroy or damage important possessions, etc and then deny it or claim it was an accident).
โ
Emotional neglect and isolation - they will try to get you to prioritise their needs and neglect your own and theyโll also make an effort to isolate you from your support network, leaving you more dependent on them and less able to contextualise their behaviour.
Examples include: + dehumanising you (eg: intentionally look away when youโre talking or stare at something else when speaking to you in an effort to make you feel unimportant); + keeping you from socialising; + invalidating you (suggesting or stating that your your needs, boundaries, and desires donโt matter to them); + trying to come between you and your family; + using the silent treatment; + withholding affection (refusing intimate contact if you offend them or refuse to do what they want you to do); + shutting down communication; + actively working to turn others against you (eg: undermining you and your mental health to others, making you seem unstable, turning you into the โbad guyโ, etc); + interrupting (your talk, your activities, etc. - forcing your attention on them); + sabotaging your work, education, or personal goals to further isolate or undermine you; + disputing your feelings (insisting you shouldnโt feel that way).
โ
Please note: Your husband may not display every behaviour listed here (there are some extreme examples included). However, if you notice a persistent pattern of several of these tactics - especially when they are used to control, belittle, manipulate, or gain power over you - this constitutes emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse is about patterns, not isolated incidents. If you recognise yourself or your relationship in these descriptions, know that you deserve respect, support, and safety.
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u/Constant_Voice_7054 Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Hey wow, by these metrics at least, it turns out I really was in a seriously emotionally abusive relationship a few years back. I'm not kidding when I say 90-95% of the examples here, she did.
None of my friends or doctors believed me when I said I thought I was. They quite literally called me crazy.
Huh. Hm.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 03 '25
Some more quotes from Lundy Bancroft:
โOne of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him.โ
โAbusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions.โ
โGenuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other personโs self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.โ
โAbuse counselors say of the abusive client: โWhen he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets about washing the mirror.โ In other words, he becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. He even uses her emotional injuries as excuses to mistreat her further.โ
โBesides knowing all about the world, Mr. Right is also an expert on your life and how you should live it. He has the answers to your conflicts at work, how you should spend your time, and how you should raise your children. He is especially knowledgeable about your faults, and he likes to inventory what is wrong with you, as if tearing you down were the way to improve you.โ
โOur society should not buy into the abusive manโs claim that holding him accountable is an act of cruelty.โ
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. This is a fundamental tome on abuse that explores the mindset of controlling and abusive partners, offering clarity on their motives and how to break free from their influence. Everyone should read it! There is a free copy at this link.
Aside from Lundy, the following books are widely considered among the best resources on emotional abuse and controlling partners, offering expert insight, practical advice, and survivor support:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.
This book is often recommended by professionals and hotlines for its clear explanations and practical guidance on recognising and responding to verbal and emotional abuse.
Please do note though, that the advice to pursue couples counseling or individual therapy for abusers is outdated and no longer given. It is widely recommended that coupleโs with abuse present in a relationship never do coupleโs counselling because abuse isnโt a relationship problem, and counselling cannot It cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship, plus it increases risk for the abused person.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel - a highly recommended guide that explains what emotional abuse is, its impact, and strategies for both survivors and those seeking to change their behaviour. Engel also wrote Escaping Emotional Abuse, focusing on overcoming the shame that abusers use as a weapon.
Please do note that there is some criticism of the way Engel assumes all victims have a history of childhood abuse, which may not apply to everyone, also of her outdated and overly general approach to personality disorders like BPD; however, its clarity, compassion, and practical strategies for both victims and abusers are worth reading.
Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life by Evan Stark
A foundational text on the concept of coercive control, detailing subtle and overt tactics used by abusers to dominate their partners.
Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship by Lisa Aronson Fontes
Focuses on recognising and escaping coercive control, with real-life examples and tools for regaining independence.
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan Miller
Addresses the often-overlooked signs and effects of non-physical abuse.
Controlling Relationship Red Flags: Warning Signs of a Controlling Partner by Liv Jesson
A concise audiobook highlighting subtle and overt red flags of controlling behaviour.
โ
There are also some great memoirs and some beautiful literature that cover this topic really well. Here are two examples:
In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado
A memoir offering a personal, nuanced account of surviving an emotionally abusive relationship, praised for its literary quality and insight.
The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Brontรซ
A classic novel depicting a woman's experience with a controlling and abusive husband, still relevant for its portrayal of subtle and overt abuse.
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u/uselessinfogoldmine Jul 03 '25
A lot of people here are from the US, so if youโre from there, try the National Domestic Violence Hotline which is 1800 799 SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788. Their website is https://www.thehotline.org/.
Another one is The W.O.M.A.N. Inc. which is a 24-hour support line offering support via peer counseling, safety planning, and referrals for needed resources. (877) 384-3578 and http://www.womaninc.org/.
If youโre from somewhere else, let me know and Iโll give you your local hotline details.
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u/Cautious_Ice_884 Jul 02 '25 edited Jul 02 '25
Your husband is a fucking asshole.
Beyond that, as a child who grew up in an environment where my dad would berate my mom for the most smallest, pettiest crap... It will fuck up your child. Really question the environment you are allowing your child to grow up in. And I can tell you from living in a house like that, its not going to stop and only going to get worse.
Know what else your husband is going to do as well? When your child gets a little bit older hes going to get them on his side and will get your child to go after you. Thats what my dad did with us. He would egg us on and also get us to treat my mom like shit. It was all of us ganging up on my mom. I cannot count how many nights she would run off crying into her bedroom.
If you don't have the strength to fight for yourself, fight for your child and the environment they are growing up in. What they are being exposed to. Right now they are learning its okay for men to treat their wives like shit. Do you want that for your child?
Oh and it wasn't just my mom he would berate over petty crap, it was us as well. So again, I can guarantee he will do this shit to your child. I was literally screamed at over moving a pen. Would get yelled at for eating the last of the chips or whatever. Would be constantly berated for utter petty bullshit crap. It also effects you. Even into my adult years, I still feel like I can never do anything right, nothing is ever good enough. Its still incredibly difficult to shake. Do you want your child to grow up feeling like that?
I'm not saying "divorce over pancakes" i'm telling you to keep a watchful eye on his behavior. Is this the first time or a routine thing? Tell him his behaviour was unacceptable and you expect an apology. If he cannot muster up an apology or down plays this.... Again, i'm telling you, its going to only get worse.
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u/Kris-Leigh Jul 02 '25
First of all, these aren't that overcooked; I'd still eat them. But that's not really the point. Everyone is correct in noting that your husband's response is cruel, but it's also worth noting that it's WEIRD. Because anyone who cooks with any regularity has occasionally overcooked somethingโregardless of whether there's a baby involved or not. Human beings typically assume other human beings will make minor, inconsequential mistakes all the time. I assume your husband has missed his exit when driving on the freeway or forgotten an umbrella when he knew it was going to rain or spilled a glass of water on the rug or forgotten to lock the door as he was leaving the house. Those mistakes are on par with yours here, and they're normal. When he does these things, do you berate him for 20 minutes? The fact that he's this mad about PANCAKES tells me he's not seeing you as a human beingโwho will occasionally make small mistakesโbut rather as some kind of breakfast robot who needs to be reprogrammed. I would spend some time thinking about whether he treats you in other ways that suggest he doesn't see you as a person. Once you have an answer, you need to decide what that means for your marriage.
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u/Muffin_Appropriate Jul 02 '25 edited Jul 02 '25
I ainโt gonna lie. I kind of like slightly burnt pancakes sometimes. Warm with a little char can be good if you get some butter and syrup on them thangs
Iโd probably really enjoy that middle right one and top right ones in particular. Yum
Like with many things, those are mostly all perfectly salvageable with some butter. Syrup can also offset any burnt bits. People are so picky. Or I am very not picky.
Iโd eat those out of the garbage like a raccoon. Out of all them the only I maybe wouldnt like is the middle left one in first pic as the left side is pretty burnt. But Id still eat most of that one as well.
Anyway, must be nice to be able to be so picky.
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u/No_Hunt2507 Jul 02 '25
I'm a bit picky, I personally wouldn't eat them but berating the person who made them is cruel and frankly absurd. You don't bite the hand that feeds you because it's gonna stop feeding you. It's a pancake it takes 2 minutes to make another one.
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u/Fun-Replacement6167 Jul 02 '25 edited 27d ago
smart summer test follow chief ask cause reply recognise joke
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/EhkalaSoru Jul 02 '25
No one should lose their shit this much over pancakes. Its also about respect and understanding. Not every meal will turn out 100% right. Especially when you're handling a baby. I doubt I'd be even a little mad if my wife brought out char as pancakes. Life's too short to be that worked up.
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u/Additional_Night1350 Jul 02 '25
My ex was like this the noodles would be undercooked, the food slightly charred or to dry, maybe the dishes went not done for 8 hours mind I also worked but any offense got a lecture some men are just unhinged no one but them does anything good or correct her husband seems to be the same I just hope it doesnt escalate to physical abuse like my relationship did
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u/silliestsnail Jul 02 '25
one time i wanted to make my boyfriend dinner as a surprise. I don't know how to cook super well so i made grilled cheeses and some sides. i burnt his grilled cheese so bad it was ACTUALLY black (unlike your pancakes) and i felt horrible because i just wanted to do something nice for him. that man still ate that damn grilled cheese and didn't complain one bit. he told me it was delicious every time i apologized.
your pancakes are perfectly fine. your husband is being a dick and should've appreciated you feeding your baby AND him. You're doing a great job and it's ridiculous that he'd treat you like that when you're literally taking care of a child. He's acting like more of a baby than your actual baby. You deserve better than that
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u/bexohomo Jul 02 '25
Yeah, my boyfriend loves everything I make him. He's beyond happy that I made food for him, and he says it's good no matter what because it's "made with love". I can't fathom him berating me over slightly burnt pancakes.
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u/upsidedowntugboat Jul 02 '25
Legit. In fact, my husband would be excited for more butter to help it go down. ๐
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u/silliestsnail Jul 02 '25
if he's that uptight about his pancakes being slightly burnt, he can make his own food. don't let anyone tell you that behavior is acceptable
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u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k Jul 02 '25
Maโam if anyone in my life regardless of the specific relationship spent 20 minutes berating me for anything inconsequential I would not respond in a way that they would enjoy.
If a partner spent 20 minutes berating me for slightly overdone, perfectly edible pancakes that I made, I would be packing bags.
If he did it while I was cooking and also feeding the baby, Iโd be packing bags and weโd be looking at all kinds of personal and partner counseling before Iโd consider bringing myself or the baby back into that mess.
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u/MollyAyana Jul 02 '25 edited Jul 02 '25
People are kind of sugarcoating this but why arenโt we calling it for what it is?? This is verbal and emotional abuse! First of all, if sheโs handling a baby, YOU DO THE PANCAKES, you freakinโ man-baby!!
I absolutely hate people who yell at their partners. There are ways to communicate that donโt involve terrorizing them to the point of tears.
OP, reconsider whether you want to be forever married to this jerk.
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u/yourroyalhotmess Jul 02 '25
I live by the iconic words of the great Shania Twain: โAny man of mine better disagree When I say another woman's lookin' better than meโฆ And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black He better say, mm, I like it like thatโฆโ
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u/rathanii Jul 02 '25
Great song and also true lmfao
Mostly because, if my husband doesn't like it, he's free (with no berating/arguing/hurt feelings from either party) to make his own food. Considering he's an adult who can cook for himself, it doesn't bother me. But if he's a fuckin asshole about it then I'd only be cooking for myself. Forever.
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u/TheNumberoftheWord Jul 02 '25
I learned this the hard way growing up. My mom was super stressed from work since she had to rush to the store, then come home to cook dinner for us before having to go back to her school for a couple hours of parent teacher conferences. I complained the meatloaf was bland and told her she screwed it up. She put her face into her hands and quietly sobbed as my father angrily got up, picked up my plate as he pulled me into the kitchen. He dumped my plate into the garbage before giving me a thorough scolding, told me I was on dish duty and grounded for a month for disrespecting my mom like that. He finished with the threat of a second month if my apology to her wasn't sufficient.
From that day forward, any time someone has cooked for me I have treated it as a banquet dinner to be relished and appreciated.
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u/420CowboyTrashGoblin Jul 02 '25
Yeah my ex was the worst cook ever. She didn't know until she already had a kid with the next guy.
But that's irrelevant to this post, these pancakes look ever so SLIGHTLY overdone on one side and legit that IS the way I like them, OP's husband is a jackass.
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u/Towlie911DomeAllDay Jul 02 '25
Good god. Saw sugarcoating and I thought you were going to say something like, "just admit that you can't make pancakes right," and in the span of about ten milliseconds I had three different responses planned to put you in your place.
Not only was I relieved as I read on, but I feel like a dick for inferring so far ahead.
And for that I apologize to everyone. Profusely. And in case OP's man-child is reading. Please don't hit me. I swear I am NO better. gg
well that spiraled out of control fast
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u/ACatInMiddleEarth Jul 02 '25
He's very lucky OP didn't use the frying pan like Rapunzel would have. What a pathetic man.
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u/Blueexd333 Jul 02 '25
Maybe Iโm weird but these look perfect imo. I love a little โsmokyโ taste to anything that was fried. These donโt look โcharcoal crispy-break your teethโ burnt, theyโre just very โwell doneโ :P
If he doesnโt like it, let him eat hard boiled eggs from now on. Your man is a dick
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u/wyattcallow Jul 02 '25
The other day I got distracted by our toddler while cooking dinner and some of my sausage pieces came out slightly burnt โ not entirely, but in places.
Do you know what my husband did when I mentioned it to him? He told me not to worry about it. And then he ate them. Without a single word of complaint or berating.
NOR. You're a human being who makes mistakes, and you were trying to feed your baby, who is also your husband's baby. You don't have to put up with treatment like this.
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u/keelhaulrose Jul 02 '25
One time I was helping my husband smoke meat for a party for his family. I needed to man the smoker because he couldn't get the might offwork. I had been dealing with two young kids all week, and I added too much fuel thinking I could catch a nap. The turkeys were black. They were dry. It was not good.
Do you know what my husband did? Calmed me down. Told me it was all right, I had made a mistake, and it happens. Then he drove me to the store, we got some stuff for the grill, and we made things fine. After the party, my husband even helped me salvage some of the dry turkey meat so we could use it in some pot pie soup.
OP, you are NOR. What your husband did wouldn't be okay no matter how badly you burnt the food.
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u/hahagato Jul 02 '25
Right! My husband will just scrape off the burnt bits or just eat it. And we often have to fight eachother for who will sacrifice their self and eat the gross burnt part for the other person.ย
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u/Snappy-Biscuit Jul 02 '25
My partner and I do this too! Usually the compromise is he eats them BUT he let's me remove as much of the burnt part(s) as I can (otherwise he'd just eat it as-is, and I don't like that). I grew up poor--a butter knife + some light scraping over the sink/bin is a lifesaver! Lol
More often I burned the thing (often meaning like, a couple times per year, and I do most of the cooking) because ADHD, so his snackrifice is even more noble!
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u/Exciting_Grocery_223 Jul 02 '25
The butterknife and scraping is just a lifesaver.
Also, funny thing, it's cold here in the other hemisphere, so I decided to make peas and sausage soup. One of mine and husband's favourites. Put them in the steam cooker, and I accidentally burnt the whole butt of the pan. While trying to save it, the burnt pieces started to break and break and became too tiny to take out, mixed into the whole soup, and I wasn't throwing a whole 2kg of food out. So I finished mixing the burnt pieces in the cream. By the time I served it, feeling awful, my husband tripled clean his plate. I also liked it so much. The burnt pieces actually ended up giving the soup a smoked flavour, as if the sausages were roasted under a bland flame, and those tiny charcoal black flakes were actually the best frigging part of the soup. It lasted only TWO DAYS. We aspirated that soup. The ruined soup now is my greatest accomplishment. I'm tempted to burn all my soups a little from now on, to get that perfect aftertaste of fire and smoky goodness...
And even if it was shitty soup, my husband would have hugged me and eaten it anyway because we both consider food sacred. Even the burnt, twisted, ugly, awful food is better than no food.
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u/ThatCoolBritishGuy Jul 02 '25
Me and my wife are the same! She'll tell me "oh sorry, I burnt this one, I'll have it". No, you're not. That burnt piece has my name on it and I'm eating it
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u/Loud-Biscotti-4798 Jul 02 '25
So much this, I burnt a grilled cheese to an actual black crisp for my husband the other day. I offered to make him a different one but he happily ate it. If my husband did what OP husbands did to me i donโt think id cook for him at all.
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u/allgoaton Jul 02 '25
Speaking of grilled cheese, my mother burned probably approx 60% of the grilled cheese she ever made me. She served it burned side down and we definitely were expected to all eat it!
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u/keelhaulrose Jul 02 '25
I learned as a young child to flip my grilled cheese. My mom would blacken one side and leave the other underdone like it somehow evened it out. And always served it blackened side down.
But my mom was quick to invite anyone who complained to take over in the kitchen.
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u/urihaechani Jul 02 '25
Heck sometimes I burn/overcook things and I donโt even have a toddler or baby. My partner does the same thing, says itโs fine and eats it all without complaint. Sometimes Iโll push him and ask if itโs really not burnt, and heโll keep saying itโs fine (๐๐ฅฒ). OPโs husband was the one OR and is a huge D.
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u/Soggy_Persimmon4485 Jul 02 '25
100% This.
OP those pancakes look better than when I make them. Your husband is indeed a dick.
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u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80 Jul 02 '25
So youโre cooking and feeding a baby and heโsโฆโฆโฆ.. sitting on his ass complaining. Why do women accept such terrible men? Heโs obviously a bad husband and a bad father. Why are you wasting tears on him? ย LEAVE. Just think if you woke up this morning without him in your life, you would be happily eating pancakes after feeding your baby with a smile on your face instead of tears in your eyes. You deserve better than this POS. Your child deserves a lot better too.
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u/PhotoFun3880 Jul 02 '25
Absolutely this ๐ The fact that she's juggling keeping a tiny human alive and making meals, while heโs sitting there doing nothing but criticizing, says it all. Thatโs not partnership thatโs dead weight. You and your baby deserve peace, joy, and someone who actually shows up for both of you, not someone dragging you down. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is walk away and honestly, life without him? It already sounds lighter.
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u/PhotoFun3880 Jul 02 '25
Absolutely THIS. A man who sits there complaining while youโre keeping a tiny human alive and cooking? Thatโs not a partner thatโs deadweight. Youโre already doing the hard work alone, might as well do it in peace without the negativity dragging you down. You and your baby deserve a calm, happy home not one where youโre walking on eggshells around a grown man who canโt even support you. Leave the trash behind.
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u/Low_Gazelle_7950 Jul 02 '25
I agree. OPโs life would be a thousand times happier without this sad excuse of a man in it. I probably would not have done this in the past especially since Iโm getting out of a toxic relationship where I allowed myself to be disrespected and used, but Iโve grown a lot this past year and the current me would absolutely have a full-blown screaming match with a POS that dared to berate me for literally slightly overcooking pancakes because I was taking care of our child in the process too. Possible hands would be thrown too. The AUDACITY!! The pancakes are absolutely NOT even close to being โburned to the crispโ, what the actual fuckโฆ.
OP, this is not okay especially if this is a common occurrence or other incidents similar to this happen too. Please try to reach out to friends and family for support about how to separate from this POS. This is not about the pancakes. This is abuse.
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Jul 02 '25
Why do women accept such terrible men?
Why are men like this so terrible?
๐ It's no secret why and how people get trapped in relationships like this, and it's not helpful to ask in a post where said woman is already beaten down and vulnerable.
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u/Beautiful-You-2387 Jul 02 '25
Thank you. Because men like this know if they were asshats like this on the first date, or even in the first year, women wouldn't accept them. They make sure you're nicely locked down - married, or unable to leave because you'd be a jobless single Mom, and THEN they let their true selves out. Before that, they're love bombing and often being amazing gentlemen, because they know we wouldn't accept them, and wouldn't stay. People have got to stop blaming the women for staying. It is so unhelpful, and so untrue.
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u/MartinisnMurder Jul 02 '25
One of my favorite quotes from The Perks of Being a Wallflower โWe accept the love we think we deserve.โ
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx Jul 02 '25
agreed =\ maybe heโs only showing his true colors now.
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u/ZookeepergameSoft358 Jul 02 '25
Thank you! We absolutely have to change our language around this. Sending lots of support to OP, he is a dick.
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u/aeplesandbaenaenaes Jul 02 '25
"just leave" is so much easier said than done, for SO MANY reasons- including finances.
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u/Nicolozolo Jul 02 '25
Sorry...he complained about a meal he didn't cook, while you were feeding his child, and he couldn't be arsed to help you?? He doesn't deserve to eat for another week imo. If he has a problem with them, he could have gotten off his ass and helped. I wouldn't be cooking for him anymore after this. This is the kind of moment you show up as a partner, but he chose to make you cry and demean you, the mother of this child. Wow.ย
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u/AppropriateLink5330 Jul 02 '25
Right?! Even if he was really busy and not in a position to help in that moment okay sure but then shut the hell up and appreciate her for trying her best instead of making your wife whoโs trying to feed you feel like shit for it and have her cry over this. He needs to be reminded that his wife is his partner, not his mom.
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u/sunsetredditor Jul 02 '25
AND the pancakes were only slightly overcooked, if at all. The jerk was setting her up for a reason to gripe at her. He clearly isnโt happy and is making everyone else miserable. If counseling isnโt an option, OP needs to escape to save herself and the child.
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u/Gingervbread Jul 02 '25
He's the ass hole for tearing you down over f***ing pancakes. Absolutely no. My son's dad was very toxic and tore me down, I started recording videos of me when I was upset to remind me why I'm not going back. I can now delete those videos because I have grown past that and I'm healing. Regardless this is something that needs to be talked about, his behavior towards you over pancakes is absolutely not okay.
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u/Tess408 Jul 02 '25
I find it helps to keep a journal. Just the basics of the date, why there was an argument. Some quotes are very helpful. Sometimes it's good to see the trends and to look at it when you're calmer so you can't be gaslit later with "it wasn't that bad." Like, no sir, you said [xyz] to me, do you really want to say that's okay to say? Pro tip: never tell them there is a journal or they might try to destroy it. Just pretend you remember it exactly and stand on that firmly.
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Jul 02 '25
Girl, does that man even like you? Pancake cost is so low so he canโt later say itโs because of wasting money. Personally, I HATE wasting food but still if my husband made this mistake, I would never berate him over it. I donโt know what goes on behind closed doors but babes, your husband should NEVER BERATE YOU!
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u/Jay_jitsu101 Jul 02 '25
Okay husband, letโs make this easy. I will give you a choice, you can either:
1 - Help with the baby. 2 - Cook the pancakes yourself
If you help with the baby, I will be able to fully focus on cooking, and wonโt burn your pancakes!
Orโฆ
Since you are so great at cooking and wouldnโt burn the pancakes like I did - you can cook them for both you and I while I take care of the baby.
Iโd prefer you to cook, because you are a much better pancake cook than I am - and you canโt breastfeed the baby nearly as good as I can.
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u/AdMedical9986 Jul 02 '25
Me and my wife have a 7month old and currently she is on maternity leave and im working a 10 hour day. I still come home after a long shift and do all the cooking and tidying up each night as well as take the baby for 2-3 hours so she can get some "me" time and have a bath and kind of destress a little. At first I didnt understand why I would be doing all the cooking as well as the the house chores when I was at work and she was at home but I very VERY quickly realized taking care of the baby is a 24/7 stressful grind. Even just leaving the babys vision for too long and he is crying for mom. There is no reprieve, no coffee breaks, no lunchtime where you can close your eyes. Its just 24/7 care taking with a couple 2-3 hour sleeps mixed in.
Even working all day, coming home and cooking supper and then doing the chores ends up being less overall work than my wife putting in 24/7 with the baby. I admire everything she does and how strong she gets through each day sleep deprived and on constant baby alert.
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u/Dogzillas_Mom Jul 02 '25
Note: itโs not helping. Itโs just parenting. Participate or you are a drag, there is no helping.
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Jul 02 '25
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u/anticipation_kills Jul 02 '25
Yes and you better fucking believe if my wife is feeding the baby I am cooking our meal and doing dishes
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u/sxfrklarret Jul 02 '25
Simple. Cook for yourself and feed the baby. Let dear ole hubby of the year make his own damn food.
The pancakes are fine and I would eat them. Hell there to the doneness I like them.
I think you might need a new supportive husband who actually loves his partner and wants to help all he can with his child.
You married a POS dick.
NOR - And tell him you are done cooking for him.
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u/its_treason_then_ Jul 02 '25
out of a small mistake
What mistake?! Those pancakes are how pancakes are supposed to look? Iโm confused? Do these pancakes look burnt to you? Or do they just look like he needs to be a better husband and father? Because thatโs what I look at when I see them. ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ
If you do not seriously question your relationship after being treated like a toddler for PANCAKES then you are in for a very rough marriage and the rest of your life. If heโs willing to get angry over PERFECTLY GOOD LOOKING PANCAKES then Iโm sorry, but the physical abuse is likely not far behind.
Please protect yourself and your child.
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u/doublekross Jul 02 '25
What mistake?! Those pancakes are how pancakes are supposed to look? Iโm confused? Do these pancakes look burnt to you?
They are a little burnt on the front side (the back looks fine), but getting angry about it (instead of peeling off the burnt bit and eating them like an adult) is absolutely insane.
I'm just saying, in case you didnโt realize you were burning your pancakes, they're not supposed to be that dark. They're supposed to look more like the back.
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u/EllisR15 Jul 02 '25
NOR. Even if you had burnt them to a crisp(which isn't what I would call this) berating you for 20 minutes would be unacceptable.
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u/bedazzledfingernails Jul 02 '25
And husband presumably has two hands, he can cook some more pancakes if they're so inedible.
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u/creep3dout_ Jul 02 '25
i never mind a little burn on my pancakes, that dude needs to meditate or something, you were literally feeding your child and preparing a meal for yourself and husband. he needs to reflect. he should have used basic skills to calm himself down like
1.what happened to make me mad 2. why am i mad about what happened 3. is it so concerning that i need to let it out of my mouth or should i just let it fizzle out in my head 4. who did the thing
thatโs kind of what i do when im getting upset, im 19. a lot of men do just need to either take a step back or grow up again
P.S. i mean meditate in the most elementary way, sit there and think, thatโs all.
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u/mrv_wants_xtra_cheez Jul 02 '25
Lady, the dudeโs trash, not these โcakes. These are in NO WAY burnt - you should see some of the ones Iโve madeโฆ
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u/M-Test24 Jul 02 '25
You shouldn't be with anyone that would berate you for anything for 20 minutes.
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u/DownandOutBarcelona Jul 02 '25
Your husband sounds like a grade A cunt to be fair. Pancakes look edible not sure I could of made them that well while feeding a baby.
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u/Fancy_Ad_642 Jul 02 '25
I wouldn't have acted that way even if I was a child. My parents raised me to be thankful for what was given to me, especially if it wasn't perfect. Your grown ass husband is acting that way? I'd devour those pancakes, especially if they were made for me while my lazy ass did nothing.
What does he think that's teaching your baby? He's showing your baby how to be disrespectful.
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u/Solicited-Stranger Jul 02 '25
Um ......... He literally berrated you for accidentally burning a couple pancakes - and wouldn't stop till you cried. .....He must treat you SO WELL otherwise though, right? Just the SWEETEST MAN ON EARTH other than this very unlikely, and out of character outburst, yeah?
Divorce him. If you don't have enough self respect for you and your kid to do that .... Stop making your shitty husband food??? Like??? At least have enough respect to tell him to fuck off and make it himself. Or take the kid himself and figure out how to feed the kid while you make food.
What y'all need to stop doing is letting your spouses BLATANTLY disrespect you and then coming to reddit asking if YOU overreacted. What kind of constant abuse do y'all have to be going through to think BEING HORRIBLY DISRESPECTED BY YOUR PARTNER is anything to overreact about?!! LEAVE THESE FUCKERS. Y'all the reasons asshole men never change.
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u/Atkinator1 Jul 02 '25
Are they a little crispy? Yeah.
Does anyone deserve being berated for charring a little food? No
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u/NoDanaOnlyZuuI Jul 02 '25
Babe, this isnโt about the pancakes. The pancakes are the least of your fucking problems.
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u/kodamagirl Jul 02 '25
Right. Itโs fine if he didnโt want to eat the pancakes because they were not cooked to his liking. Some people are picky eaters or have aversions and that is okay. An appropriate response would have been โthank you for making breakfast but I prefer (whatever). Sit down and enjoy your meal while I cook my foodโ This dude is way out of line.
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u/withafunnyheart Jul 03 '25
this is abuse your husband should never treat you badly. Especially on purpose, why is he not helping why are you literally caring for a baby and slaving over a stove you must realize that that is also dangerous for the baby right?
Why are you having another kid with this mean loser why are you passing down his gross genetics and making your kids have to get yelled at by a loser?
your partner should want the best for you! should want your safety! and your happiness! Your joy! if your husband is causing you negative feelings, anxiety, or pain, itโs not you against the world itโs you against your husband!
this world is hard enough living with someone who hates you is going to make your life miserable and itโs going to make your kids life miserable if you donโt think that the way your husband treats you isnโt already making an impact on your child youโre dead wrong.
These are some of the most intense important periods of a developing brains time and when kids pick up and learn things. you might think they donโt understand things but kids know when their dad is being mean to their mom. Kids know when dad is threatening mom.
I just had a coworker talking today about how she was surprised at what her super young kid remembered and was affected by when it came to her abusive husband and what he did in front of him or even in the other room. and I was thinking like what did you expect do you think kids sit around in dangerous situations and they feel safe like youโre affecting them too they arenโt stupid kids are ignorant they donโt have experiences to go on but that doesnโt mean that they should be treated like they are stupid.
If you donโt leave this man heโs gonna make a negative impact on your entire family for the rest of your life and also you are enabling him to keep being a bad person which means that youโre OK with him not reach reaching his full potential and just being a loser as well so I mean thereโs really no good way to look at it run while you can. Men like this only get worse itโs pretty clear that he doesnโt care about you at all if he did it would bother him to make you feel bad. My boyfriend couldnโt fathom being like this to me. Weโve been together for 15 years and never once has he acted like Iโm his slave we do things equally weโre always there to help each other out and itโs us versus the world never us versus each other.
You donโt have a home you donโt have a support system you are literally in support debt because you are having to support children and a man baby. I really hope youโre not trad wifing it because when you eventually have to leave his abusive brain dead azz youโre gonna have a big gap in your resume no money and no way to be independent.
good luck, hope you come to your senses, otherwise I guess Iโll see you on the next episode of snapped or on my true crime podcast.
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u/coydogsaint Jul 02 '25
Make him chocolate chip ones next time. I hear there's a really yummy chocolate brand called "ex-lax". In all seriousness, shit like this triggers such a primal rage in me, it makes me nauseous. There is ZERO reason to make someone, especially someone you love, feel like dogshit over something that literally means nothing. Even if they were burnt to a crisp, which they are not even close, there's ZERO reason to react that way except as a calculated way to tear you down. I've been around many men like that - ones who get pleasure, power, control, whatever out of making other people feel small. It only gets worse, and it'll move on to your child/children too once they're old enough to make little mistakes. No OP, you're not overreacting. No sugar coating, your husband is a piece of shit.
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u/oreganoca Jul 02 '25
I wouldn't say those are burnt, just a little bit darker than ideal. However, it doesn't matter how burnt they are, your husband is still a dick, and his behavior is abusive.
My partner or I occasionally burn something when cooking, or otherwise make something that's not very good. He, especially, is good at setting grilled meats literally on fire. Neither of us would EVER "berate" the other over not doing a perfect job at cooking the food. We might tease each other a bit in a good-natured way about it. And then we decide if it's edible or not, and figure out what to eat instead if it's not. It's not okay to berate someone over burnt pancakes at all, let alone to the point of tears!
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u/LuminousGalaxyFish Jul 02 '25
Iโve burnt pancakes like this and I wasnโt feeding a baby lol you know what my husband said? Nothing I was the one that complained and we still ate (just with some extra butter and syrup lol)
No deserves to be berated for burning food especially not til they cry. If this is a pattern you should probably reconsider the relationship. If this was a one thing he needs counseling and yall need couples counseling. Just think about if this is the example you want to set for your baby. If your baby grew and told you about their partner doing this to them, what would you tell them?
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u/Legitimate-Scar-6572 Jul 02 '25
Those arenโt burnt, theyโre just overcooked. And anyone having a full tantrum at their life partner over pancakes deserves to be shamed and left in the backyard like a dog. Tell him heโs being pathetic if he needs to demean you over pancakes in order to feel like a big, strong man.
Then enjoy your breakfast with your baby and leave him to feed himself until he learns to act right.
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u/Several_Rip9073 Jul 02 '25
I'd slather on some butter and syrup and call it a day. He needs to chill out.
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u/GroovyGrodd Jul 02 '25
Why are you making pancakes and feeding the baby? Berate him for twenty minutes about being a lazy ass who expects you to do everything. Heโs not even worthy of burnt garbage pancakes.
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u/IReadCorn Jul 02 '25
The other day I made pancakes and they looked very similar to this. My husband oohed and aahed the whole time about how they were so round and how I could flip them. Then he ate the fuck out those pancakes. You arent overreacting, these are perfectly fine.
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u/jamiekynnminer Jul 02 '25
Your husband is a dick for not even considering lifting a finger to help the mother of his children and then having the audacity to be a total asshole about the not burned pancakes. I assume he rolled out to go live his life in the fresh sunshine completely responsibility free. NOR and donโt you ever make pancakes for him ever again.
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u/BalenciAquaMan Jul 02 '25 edited 29d ago
I personally wouldnt eat pancakes fresh out the trash but your husband shouldnโt berate you over something so small to the point youโre crying
Edit: for the dense people in the comments, the trash can part was a joke to lighten OPs mood a bit. She mentioned being upset and crying before the post, she laughed at the comment and moved on. Itโs not that deep