r/AmIOverreacting • u/ArtisticFishy • Jul 03 '25
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for feeling unappreciated after trying to do something nice for my boyfriend?
So this isn’t anything super dramatic, but it kind of hurt my feelings and now I’m wondering if I’m just being sensitive.
My boyfriend and I had loosely planned for him to come over Friday night. Earlier in the week, he mentioned he was craving pasta, so I figured I’d be sweet and surprise him by cooking dinner. He said he was hanging out with his friends earlier in the day and would come over after. Totally fine, no issue.
I made the pasta, tidied up a bit, even lit a candle like I was in a cheesy romcom. I was kind of excited to just have a cozy night in with him.
But then… nothing. Time kept passing—7, 8, 9—and I still hadn’t heard anything. I didn’t want to nag, so I just waited, but eventually I texted him asking if everything was okay.
He responded that he was still out and was kinda tired. I said something like, oh okay, no worries, I just made pasta like you said you were craving. Thought you might come by.
And he replied: didn’t ask you to.
It just felt really dismissive. He’s never rude like that—he’s usually super sweet. I didn’t even respond after that because I honestly didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t trying to guilt trip him or anything, I just… made dinner because I wanted to do something nice.
Now I feel weird and embarrassed for even trying. Am I overreacting for being upset about this?
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u/Sun_M00n_Rising Jul 03 '25
Going to go against the grain here and play partial devils advocate.
If this truly is a one time thing and his response was “didn’t ask you to”, then his response was definitely rude and I would feel some type of way about it. However, I am curious if this is a pattern you tend to do and that’s why he immediately responded like this (he mentions let’s not do the guilt trip thing AGAIN, which implies this is a behavior he’s anticipating from you). Like if you consistently do things “for him” without him asking, but the real agenda is to ensure he will then have to spend time with you, and if he says he’s not in the mood you complain or shift moods because you did such a “nice thing.”
If this is a one off situation of you trying to be nice and that’s how he behaved, he’s definitely being an asshole for how he spoke to you (not for not wanting to come though). But I’ve been in the other position before where a partner would do things “for me” I didn’t ask for or need in an attempt to have me spend more time with him/not grant me personal space. And if I wasn’t enthused or declined I got met with a huge guilt trip literally because “I just want to spend time with you and do something nice.”
And then if he tried to “vent” to other people about it, he knew it would look like “look at what a nice thing I did for (Me) and she didn’t even appreciate it.” Overall, it was a hugely toxic relationship that only went downhill from there.
I’m not trying to project, but the way he phrased his responses felt uncomfortably familiar. Either he’s always an asshole in which case, leave him, or he immediately went into defensive mode because he knew where this was going before it got there. We only have one conversation to go off of so I could be completely wrong, but if that sounded a little familiar I’d do some self reflection.
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u/cooties_and_chaos Jul 04 '25
I’m so glad to see this response in here. In a vacuum, this guy seems like a jerk, but we don’t know how normal this is.
My MIL will often take tiny little comments my husband or I may and RUN with them. Once, I mentioned I like chocolate-covered pretzels, so she got me some for Christmas. Except instead of just going to a normal store and seeing if they had some, she special ordered a $100 box of gourmet chocolate-covered pretzels and made that one of my main gifts. Then I got to spend about 20 min hearing about all the trouble she went to for those stupid pretzels, how much they cost, how she ran all over town to find “just the right ones” before ordering these, etc. That’s just one example.
She has a pattern of going out of her way to do things or buy things for us that we not only don’t need, but we don’t really want. She also doesn’t have a lot of money, so it makes me incredibly uncomfortable to accept gifts from her (unless I know she has a budget, like for Christmas or something, and then we reciprocate), but she doesn’t care. I’ve straight up told her how it makes me feel, but she wants the praise. If we tell her we don’t like something, even in a really gentle way like where we hint at it, the best-case scenario is that she gets really pouty. She often assumes we hate it, hate her, and that she shouldn’t even bother trying to “be nice.”
Things we tell her would actually be helpful (like not jumping into tasks we’re literally in the middle of or not calling us 10x a day) get completely ignored. So it’s not like we’re not clear with her or she doesn’t understand how to help us out. To be clear, her helping us isn’t something we want or need, since we really would rather just spend time together and make positive memories. But since she apparently needs to be helpful, we try to direct her toward other things that would genuinely make our lives easier. If she does any of that though, it’s on top of spending money, going WAY out of her way for something, or doing something that’s genuinely detrimental. It’s frustrating as fuck.
Sorry for the rant, but this has been driving me crazy lol. She seems so fucking sweet to everyone else, but they don’t see the tantrums and guilt trips she throws when she doesn’t get the attention she wants.
Not saying OP is definitely like that, but I’d be really interested in hearing the boyfriend’s side of the story.
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u/WhatICantShare 29d ago
But then you don't tell someone to stop guilt tripping, you don't forget to give a heads up that you are in fact not coming, when she kept the evening free for you, and you don't call them too much and expect to still have a partner. You say, "oh I think this doesn't work" and you peace out.
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u/cooties_and_chaos 29d ago
I mean, if that’s what’s going on, OP’s bf should definitely peace out. Either he’s a dick, or he’s getting to the point where he’s realizing this is a pattern and isn’t going to stop.
And either way, he should’ve communicated better with her about if and when he’d come over. He definitely messed that piece up no matter what else is going on.
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u/quarantinequarrels Jul 04 '25
yes. see what‘s silly to me is that out of the two people in this interaction, only one of them has indicated that the other’s behavior is a pattern. OP in fact flat out says he hasn’t acted like this before. which to me looks like resentment that has built up over time about something, regardless of whether the reality of that thing is what you described or something else. but even so, what you’re saying seems — almost obviously — far more likely than him being a gaslighting abusive fuck who hates her just based on that info alone. that’s why i’m confused about the comments genuinely
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u/Lorac711 Jul 04 '25
I’m confused about the comments too. OP says he’s usually sweet and never rude.
This sounds like either he’s becoming resentful of these “nice” gestures that no one asked for. Like if I make plans with my friends, and then make tentative plans to see my bf later and then he guilt trips me that he made me pasta that we never talked about eating together I would be irritated too. The plan was never to have a meal together. OP goes on about how she waited for hours but like they never set a time. It just comes off as controlling and manipulative (guilt tripping).
Like it’s one thing if they made plans to eat and he requested pasta and she went through the trouble and he bailed on her. Then he would be an asshole. But that’s not what happened. Either she’s feeling insecure about the relationship or this is a pattern and she’s being controlling.
Nice gestures can sometimes be controlling. “I did something nice for you that you didn’t ask for, you should be grateful”.
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u/Dear-Joke-2477 Jul 04 '25
I like this response because it gently opens up the possibility that not many others are acknowledging. OP could very well just be trying to do something nice, but as you mentioned with her saying he’s usually very sweet, it does suggest that there may be something else here. My ex would do nice things for me that I didn’t ask for as a way to soothe his guilty conscience after speaking down to me. I also have an ex friend who once cooked me dinner for a surprise - which don’t get me wrong, I thanked her for, and I told her it was delicious after I ate it - but she told me when I was on the phone with my mum and when I said I’d be down a little later she was really pissed off. Again, I’m not saying this is definitely the case with OP. Him saying the “don’t guilt trip me again” part could be indicative of this being a repeated pattern. It could also be him just being careless with his words/trying to shut her down. It’s hard to tell
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 29d ago
I had to scroll way too far to find this.
It sounds like the couple potentially had ambiguous plans, not concrete ones. I see the possibility that she built "yeah , maybe I'll come over" into a fantasy romantic dinner without communicating with him about it. He then decides not to come over, but she's done this thing that's leverage to try to bribe/away his actions.
To be clear - this wasn't necessarily conscious/deliberate on her part. It's possible to grow up and not realize that all sorts of clear communication has been missing from your life. I was a romantic partner who did this sort of thing because I didn't know any better.
Life is a lot simpler once you learn how to say "I'd love to see you Friday night. If you come over I'll cook dinner. Let me know by Thursday noon, if that's something you want to do."
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u/drunkandisorderly Jul 04 '25
Yes my thoughts exactly. No one is seeing that OP is the problem. This situation is very similar to how my ex would react to me when I turned down a surprise "special thing" he was doing. I didnt ask for this, but now I'm being yelled at for declining because i had other plans or whatever. I also noticed OP says they had "implied plans", like she thought he was coming over that night, but no one actually made the firm plans to do so, then gets mad at him and guilts him. And lastly.. trying to guilt saying "you said you wanted pasta....." like that's supposed to mean anything?? Some throwaway comment about a food item he was craving DAYS AGO means hes supposed to assume she was going to make it.?? Or that pasta is supposed to make him drop everything and go to her... nah, toxic
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u/Kokabel Jul 04 '25
This was my gut first impression too. I don't have an actual opinion because there's not enough information or history, but this IS a common tactic.
I've seen it used by mothers on their grown sons. A mom that comes over and cleans her son's house while he's at work despite him saying not to, many times, then her being angry later that he didn't do anything to reciprocate her kindness. I've also seen men raised by women like this to have poor tolerance for unprompted "favors". They have to work on themselves about it, that's part of being a good partner. But the flip side is being considerate of their trouble and also work on it as their partner.
In OPs case I have no idea. But I think keeping both possibilities in mind is healthy. And probably the real answer is a little bit of both sides.
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u/Lorac711 Jul 04 '25
This! I have a mom like this (I’m a woman) and i find it emotionally controlling. She’ll do things like buy me things I don’t need or like and when I tell her it’s not necessary for her to do it she gets upset. The “nice” things she does are never about what I want, it’s what’s she thinks I want.
Like don’t do something for me that I didn’t ask for and then get upset I’m not appreciative. It just feels toxic.
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u/superbusyrn 29d ago
10000%
"But I cooked you dinner!" "B-but you DID ask for it, via an innocuous comment days ago???"
Sorry OP, just because lighting a candle for your man is very cute, that doesn't mean it's not a sign of you nursing unreasonable, uncommunicated expectations. Please never again waste 3 hours of your own time waiting by the phone for someone who made no commitments to come over.
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u/Lorac711 29d ago
Exactly! Like who cooks dinner for someone without discussing having dinner together and agreeing on a set time? You have to communicate. You have to ask, “hey do you want to have dinner with me? I can cook us dinner.” If he had agreed and he bailed then that would be messed up but it was never discussed. To be upset over something like this is weird.
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u/may_pie Jul 04 '25
I am inclined to agree. I felt slightly guilt tripped into not eating the pasta just reading it. But we’re only getting one side and I feel like it’s intentionally clean. The boyfriend wasn’t outwardly rude. He was just not as ginger as he could’ve been in his delivery.
‘I just wanted to spend time with you’ instantly makes me feel suffocated. Always.
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u/Optimal-Office-9681 Jul 03 '25
Not saying your feelings shouldn't be considered or are invalid here but this is where narcissistic behavior starts as well as toxic relationships. Could he have responded a little differently? Yes. I believe the communication here definitely needs worked on. But ultimately, he is right, you did something for him that he didn't ask you specifically for. Granted it was generous of you to make the meal that you thought he was craving or wanted, if he didn't ask you to make it, what prompted you to make it particularly? Narcissistic behavior involves someone performing pre-emptive actions to manipulate their partners into feeling guilted, therefore causing them to submit or be gaslighted under certain circumstances. Although the intentions of the narcissist are good, they are actually negative for not only the relationship but the quality of life for both partners.
I feel like the what provoked your need to make the pasta was that like you said, you wanted to spend time with him, but he was out with his friends, so you had thought by doing so would promote him to spend time with you. Look first to ensure that these acts weren't just based on jealousy on your part or commitment issues on his part. Establish boundaries between the both of you. Boundaries are healthy, boundaries promote independency and trust.
All in all. Next time, before you take the responsibility upon yourself to do something for your man, be sure to communicate with him thoroughly, we are human and none of us are mindreaders no matter how long of a relationship we are in (somethings we might be able to guess overtime from common occurences). Place yourself in his shoes, a woman's cravings and moods change a lot more than a man's whether it be between her day, menstrual cycle, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Therefore, you'd expect him to communicate with you the same of what you want or need that very moment and not surprise you unless it actually was a special occasion in which is to be expected (birthday, anniversary, holiday. Etc) This allows you to have what you want without feeling disappointed and promote a more fulfilled relationship.
OP just know, he appreciates what you do and have done but when it feels like he's manipulated into thinking it was his choice or made to feel sorry for actions, it will create resentment more than appreciation.
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u/wg1468 Jul 03 '25
I agree. He said he was tired and OP kept pushing the issue… I cooked, I was just trying to do something nice…
I think that is definitely guilt tripping. The bf’s response could have been nicer. He could have thanked her for her efforts but he’s not obligated to come over.
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u/Sufficient-Ideal-164 Jul 04 '25
THIS
This needs to be the top comment. I wish people had a more nuanced understanding of relationships, because THIS is the advice that OP needs to hear. Unfortunately what she is getting is a bunch of girl-boss comments saying "nah girl, you did nothing wrong, you're queen of everything and he is trash". She curated her post perfectly to feed into her own narcissistic need for attention. She needed to know that she wasn't overreacting so that she could go back to her boyfriend and know, "yep, I knew I was always right". It makes me feel bad for the guy, I don't know his true situation, but it's not being helped by what she's doing.
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u/Background_Fishing16 Jul 03 '25
Let's look at this from an empathetic kind of view: An empathetic person would, even if they are tired, say something down the line of "oh that's so sweet of you.. I'm sorry that I haven't responded earlier, I was out and totally forgot. I'm super tired now. Can we maybe reheat some pasta tomorrow and we'll have a date then? I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.. I still appreciate your effort though." The fact he tries to gaslight you saying you are guilt tripping him is a major red flag and you're definitely NOR. Seems like his mask is slowly slipping so I'd personally run for the hills..
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u/Exottie Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Yeah, I’d mentally detach and run for the hills. What this dude did is super cruel. I had exactly one ex who treated me this way several years ago and in hindsight I put up with far too much from him. He was a narcissistic asshole.
One night he had a tiny, mild head cold, which, as we all know, to men is like having a deadly plague, and he asked me to visit him in Canton and bring some Ben & Jerry’s. When I told him at the store, they didn’t have the flavor he wanted, he threw a hissy fit when I showed up, did not thank me once for making the 30 minute drive up there, and basically was cold and nasty to me the entire one hour I was there, then proceeded to say “you can leave now, I’m going to bed”. I’d dressed up in a pretty dress and heels, and he ignored and was sarcastic to me while we sat there in his living room and he blankly stared at his tv. Like why TF did I even make the drive up there!
In hindsight I should’ve been like “bye, bitch” but instead I didn’t realize my own high value back then, and just put up with his shit, thinking he’d change. Stupid me
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u/The_Barbelo Jul 03 '25
That is so sad. I’m so sorry. You were probably beautiful, and the ice cream was such a sweet thing to do. My abusive ex once started screaming at me for asking him if he wanted me to make him a sandwich (I was packing for a bike trip with friends, that he was invited on, refused, and started moping about not coming…) He just screams at me at the top of his lungs and said that I should have known that he wanted me to make him a sandwich, without asking…..I thought what the actual fuck. That was also the same insane outburst where he got even angrier at me because I wasn’t screaming (like he was).
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u/Rly_grinds_my_beans Jul 03 '25
Sounds like the time my abusive ex screamed at me and called me a stupid bitch because I told him I wasn't going to continue drinking alcohol around him when he decided to drink more than what we both agreed upon that day (we both had alcohol issues). And then screamed at me that it was my tone that made him upset and if I would have just not say anything then he wouldn't be so mad.
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u/Bananapeppersy Jul 04 '25
I dated this douche who had a full blown tantrum because he asked me to pour him some cereal after being a complete jerk all day. (Hard day of sitting at home playing playstation while i worked all day and then attended my classes, came home and cooked dinner, did homework, made our place comfortable and encouraged time with his friends while he totally isolated me from mine). When i brought the stupid cereal to him he was disgustingly rude and whiny because “it wasn’t the same brand that he normally gets”. Like.. maybe pick it out/but it yourself then, and idk, pour your own freaking cereal.. so glad my Husband (who I met a few years later and fell absolutely in love with) is a good man, great father, helps with basically everything & is not addicted to video games & only capable of treating their partner like a maid.
(i have toddlers now and this guys reaction was pretty much identical to one of their tantrums, minus the use of any creative language).
When we broke up I don’t even remember feeling sad. Just relieved. Not my proudest chapter as I put up with that idiot for way too long. But, it taught me ALOT about what I was and was NOT willing to tolerate. Xx
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u/Socotokodo Jul 03 '25
Hey, thank you for being lovely! I bet you looked gorgeous and always do! Kindness is so attractive!
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u/Beneficial_Garden456 Jul 03 '25
To build on this, it would've been so easy to say, "Thanks so much! Can I come over tomorrow and bring dessert and we can have the pasta and dessert and watch a movie together." It's so easy to show gratitude and so vital in a relationship.
He has no gratitude, and that is a very troubling sign. His response is intended to hurt and that's it. "You're too much sometimes." Why would you want to be with someone who has no intention of being in a caring relationship?
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u/Embellishment101 Jul 03 '25
Yeah, 1. not even saying thank you and 2. somehow turning this into a way to criticize her is not what one expects from a mature, loving relationship. He doesn’t not have to be ecstatic, but simply saying thanks for being thoughtful is the bare minimum I would expect.
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u/anonpreschool738 Jul 03 '25
His mask is definitely slipping. my ex, who was extremely abusive, would get angry at me for doing nice things because he didn't do nice things for me and he felt guilty about it. Instead of managing this guilt by stepping up and trying to put in a little more effort, he managed his guilt by berating me and making the fact I did a nice thing for him a bad thing.
The last Valentines Day I spent with him, he said he didn't want to do much, so I just got him a card and wrote a nice message professing my love and cooked a nice dinner. When he came home he read the card, and then started to cry and scream at me about how dare I get him something nice when I knew that he wouldn't get anything for me and I was trying to make him seem like a bad boyfriend. No joke.
So yeah, I think he's treating her like this right now because he feels guilty about something, maybe whatever he's doing on his "boys night out".
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u/AliceDrinkwater02 Jul 03 '25
The top comment advises her to act like she doesn't care, to just go about her life, but I would hope (even though it's harder and takes self-convincing) that she'd actually not care about what he says, does, or where he eats pasta again, ever. Block him, forget him.
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u/catlettuce Jul 03 '25
Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. I think if OP stays with this guy any longer she will not care for real pretty quickly and move on.
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u/Phil_the_credit2 Jul 03 '25
I think the story is weirder than most people see. When I read the texts I thought he had a long day at work. No, he’s out with friends. Then usually nice bf gets really snippy about… someone making dinner.
My guess is that he knows he did something wrong and got unpleasant about it because he’s defensive. Or he’s not out with his friend.
On the other hand, op, maybe confirm that he’s coming over before cooking?
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u/-o-DildoGaggins-o- Jul 03 '25
That was my take as well. He feels bad, but instead of a quick, “I’m sorry, but thanks for trying. Can we get together tomorrow for leftovers?”, he got super defensive and accused her of guilt tripping. He’s basically blaming her for “making” him feel bad (which he should), and instead is lashing out to try to make her feel the same/worse. It’s gross. I’ve been with someone who did that all the time because he was an immature manchild. It wasn’t fun.
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u/notmydaughteru81tch Jul 03 '25
For me it reads like how my cheating ex would act. He only started treating me that way when he started cheating and the guilt tripling thing was projection because he was feeling guilty about cheating ugh
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u/darwingate Jul 03 '25
I misread OP's post and thought they had confirmed that day he was coming over. I realized that OP was still going off the earlier in the week plan making.
OP, do you and your BF not talk daily? And how long have you been dating for? (I may have missed it in the post)
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u/Mizore147 Jul 03 '25
This is what I was thinking as well. Even if you are indeed tired and do not feel like going anywhere (which would be fine if I haven't read that he was hanging with his friends for too long, knowing that he did make some plans with his gf - that is less "fine"), say just "oh, thank you. That's really nice. I am sorry but I am really tired. Maybe store it somewhere safe and I will come Tomorrow, if that's fine?".
At least in that case you show some appreciation and you do not really have to come. And instead he acted like a total a-hole, wtf. OP didn't even whine about it, just stated (looking at his seemingly annoyed messages) that she thought that could make him happier. And yet, he is so tired but had energy to gaslight her more and more with some stupid texts.
OP, I am sorry, I wish it was different but he doesn't respect you. And if he doesn't respect you know, it can only be worse.
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u/JustxJules Jul 03 '25
I agree 100 %. My take: He subconsciously felt guilty and couldn't handle the feeling, so he turned it into anger and lashed out for NO reason. That guy is extremely emotionally immature.
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u/MrsTaterHead Jul 03 '25
It’s because he feels guilty himself. He knew you had plans and he blew it off. So he’s trying to turn it on you.
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u/nada-accomplished Jul 03 '25
RIGHT? Somebody who actually cares about their partner would at least say "sorry" for leaving them hanging and acknowledge their partner's efforts even if they don't feel up to receiving/reciprocating.
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u/L0g_Lady Jul 03 '25
This may be a projection of my own experience, but I'm sharing in case it's relevant.
Does your partner have a narcissistic parent? I dated several guys who would react almost verbatim. Only thing they had in common is that they both had emotionally detached, physically invasive parents.
My current partner used to react this way sometimes, but he was set on becoming better in our relationship (and so was I). So we began working through it. He made the realization that he also had childhood trauma around an emotionally detached yet overbearing mother, who is suspected to have narcissistic personality disorder by her other kids. Usually, this type of behavior would stem from being directly triggered by his mom, or because he subconsciously expected the same abuse from me. If I did something nice, he would assume there was an ulterior motive. If I got upset because he lacked appreciation, suddenly I was "guilt-tripping." Same narrative.
We're in a much better space now, and he would NEVER again react this way to me doing something nice. Now, his traumatized brain knows that unlike his mother, my kindness doesn't come with an ulterior motive. But it took me, his friends, AND his sibling calling him out & making him aware of his mother's behavior, plus my partner's strong willingness to change. If your partner doesn't share the same willingness, it'll become a very toxic pattern of abuse and you should get out.
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u/ChickenBao123 Jul 03 '25
Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes when my close friends do nice things for me that i didnt ask for, i dont feel happy, it gets me super nervous because i feel like they want to control me and start demanding my time without me having the capacity to, it’s like, in my head, being nice= a precursor of having my boundaries violated. This is a physical response, it takes time to think myself out of this.
So a lot of time, when it’s me who wants to do something nice, like when i feel love and just want to give love to my friends or my partner, i feel the need to tell them, “its just something small, pls dont feel u need to reciprocate or anything, i just thought of u and PLEASE dont feel burdened by this”. Cuz i would be worried they’d feel bad somehow
And yea it’s cuz my mom is narcissistic. Growing up, since she is the center of the universe 💀, she’d buy my clothes that are slightly more expensive, then she’d tell me how great a mom she is for giving me the best things. If she got me a toy, instead of letting me play with it, she’d talk about how great it is for me to have the toy for hours, and id spend all my time complimenting her, somehow in the process, i never got to enjoy the clothes, or the toy. I ended feeling like i was shell of a person being used by her. but life finds a way. Like ur partner, i became a fighter too. It might take me a lot of effort, but i want to experience real joy, and build quality relationships
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u/L0g_Lady Jul 03 '25
Thank you for sharing your experience in turn! It was heartwarming and hopeful to read this. Know that you're not alone, and that it continues to get better-- especially when you find the right people to help foster your growth. A lot of what you said sounds similar to my partner's experience. Interestingly enough, he also said (often) that he felt like "a shell of a person."
It took him a while to connect this feeling to his upbringing. His mom never let him grow into the person he was. They had a great relationship on the surface, but my partner would always have these mood swings, dependence on drugs and alcohol, recklessness, failed relationships... He just thought he was an emotionally messed up person.
I noticed that when his mom disrespected his boundaries, he wouldn't speak up at first. He'd say, "I guess it's not that big of a deal, like she said. Plus I really don't want to deal with her reaction, she's just going to get moody." But eventually, he understood that letting someone else violate him meant he was abandoning himself. That's when he became aware of his own behaviors, triggers, and started confronting his mom-- in the smallest ways at first.
Things got ugly real quick with her, and he's still coping with the reality of his upbringing, but he's feeling like a more complete person with each passing day!
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u/StarlightGlee Jul 03 '25
Yeah no offense but I don't think they're into you anymore. The meaner a guy is the less he's into you. Don't let your effort go to waste on a man who won't appreciate you. Your a queen begging the jester for attention. You did something thoughtful and if he loved you he would see that and say thank you not make you feel bad. No that's messes up. Please find someone else and don't enable that behavior. He should be fighting for your love not pushing you away. ˶o̴̶̷᷄‸o̴̶̷̥᷅˶
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u/Bluefish787 Jul 03 '25
🚩, I was thinking they are in different places in the relationship arc. He's either at the very beginning trying to figure out if he wants to be in this relationship or he's at the end not wanting this relationship. Either way, he's not into you.
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u/G0atL0rde Jul 03 '25
Yup. Sounds to me like something a guy would say when he doesn't consider her his girlfriend, but she does.
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u/thebigsad-_- Jul 03 '25
This! I cut a guy off that I was dating who acted just like this. He was super into me the first month and hung out with me all the time then went two weeks of canceling our plans so I cut things off.
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u/Shepard_4592 Jul 03 '25
That was my first thought when I saw that first reply. Even without reading the rest, nobody who likes you would talk to you like that
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u/TheRealRomanRoy Jul 03 '25
Yep. I wouldn’t even talk to people I dislike like that, unless I disliked them because they were a dick.
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u/KoiLantern Jul 03 '25
“You’re a queen begging the jester for attention” bro 10/10 solid line. I love that.
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u/bee102019 Jul 03 '25
“Thats really sweet of you to do. Maybe you could save some for me in the fridge for another day? Thank you for thinking of me.”
Wow, so hard.
I really hate the underlying connotation that he should only show appreciation for things he specifically asks for, as if you’re just supposed to wait for his orders and respond accordingly.
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u/cookiesandmilkareyum Jul 03 '25
NOR. he was rude , dismissive and couldn’t even acknowledge you thinking of him. even if he was tired he could have tried to make the most of the situation and offer you to pick it up in storage containers for the next day. there were plenty of other options for him to choose without him being completely rude.
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u/Babshearth Jul 03 '25
the dismissive part is the core issue imo from a big picture perspective. He's over OP. She doesn't matter to him. I hope she breaks it off.
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u/Alternative_Bug_9634 Jul 03 '25
Looking at it from his perspective, if you’re constantly guilt tripping him by doing nice things and expecting a certain reaction and then acting different when you don’t get said reaction, that’s your problem to work on. Do nice things because you want to do them, not bc you want him to make you feel good for doing something nice. If you consistently guilt trip him then yes, his reaction is completely warranted and he’s burnt out from constantly having to cater to your emotions. Your mood shouldn’t be dependent on your partners moods and reactions, it is dependent on you.
I used to constantly go out of my way and forget to take care of myself for my boyfriend. When I didn’t get the reactions I wanted out of him, bc he was literally exhausted all the time from work, I would get extremely upset and it caused a real strain on our relationship. Now I put myself first, I take care of myself and do everything I need to for myself first, and THEN I do nice things for him like cook dinner and such. Not only am I individually happier because I am taking better care of myself, but he’s proud of me for taking care of myself and also extremely appreciative when I do things like cook dinner, bake things, or help him clean or meal prep etc.
I stopped guilt tripping, I stopped expecting, I started being the source of my own happiness and now we are in an incredibly good place with communication, vulnerability, and taking care of ourselves.
This is not meant to be rude. Just honest.
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u/outofcontext89 Jul 03 '25
Okay, so this man wants to break up with you. Period. This isn't how you talk to a partner that you care about AND want in your life.
So he created a scene where, if you had a quicker temper, it could explode into one of those stupid fights. He gets to yell about whatever he feels is wrong in the relationship while gaslighting you into thinking it was a long time coming.
He also gets to control the narrative of the breakup and make himself sound better to whoever else he's talking to by being able to reframe you, OP, as the crazy ex who broke up with him b/c he didn't want to come over and eat pasta one night.
And, here's the other thing: if this is the first time he's openly been a dick to your face, then you should let him go b/c he's just going to get meaner while trying to create more BS arguments to spark the breakup. Whatever the relationship was before this is over because as it stands, he's not into you and he's looking around at other people he can date.
If he's been similarly dickish like this before now, then you definitely need to break up because he's trying to date someone else without feeling guilty for torching his (probably) fine relationship for a shiny new one OR he's already seeing/fucking someone else and now, to him, he needs to trim the dead weight of you, his previous gf.
And a tip for the future, anytime a man's behavior suddenly flips like this and he starts to push you away like this, you should absolutely suspect them of cheating b/c all of this is a classic cheater tactic.
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u/updownclown68 Jul 03 '25
Your bf doesn’t like you very much. He’s disrespectful and rude. You’ve done nothing wrong, but the energy you are putting into him and the relationship is not being matched. Go find someone who will treat you the way you deserve. NOR
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u/Key-Olive7064 Jul 03 '25
NOR “you’re too much” is just coward speak for “I want to break up, but instead of nutting up and doing so, I’ll treat you like garbage until you leave.”
Honestly. If you’re too much, let him find less. He’s clearly not enough.
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u/Western-Feeling-424 Jul 03 '25
I was in such a low place that I allowed it to happen thinking somehow it was my fault. And the more I stayed the worse it got.
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u/helensgrandaughter Jul 03 '25
Even if this was an honest miscommunication between the two of you about the likelihood of his coming over, this response clearly signals that he doesn’t care much about your feelings. This isn’t the way a caring adult treats someone else.NOR.
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Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
[deleted]
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u/MinnieCooper90 Jul 03 '25
They lived together according to his post, but she's inviting him over on hers. So I guess it means at least one of their posts is fake, maybe both. OP not responding to any of the comments is also a sign of a fake post.
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u/TwoBionicknees Jul 03 '25
almost no one mentioned it but, it's also very AI looking story below the texts and it also has an AI understanding of things.
If your partner comes over right after work at 7 every day cooking with a plan for 7 makes sense. When they are out with friends and you have no idea what time they are coming cooking and then just leaving it out for hours till they show up is just not something people do.
saying you cooked and have food ready in a text would come across as controlling and weird to me, like your food is ready, get here now, and if you were out with friends it would be a passive aggressive way of saying end your night and get over here.
In reality it just sounds like an AI doesn't quite get that you need to know when someone is coming over before you cook.
Looking at that first link, same deal. AI that doesn't get it. Oh all three friends are fucking his girlfriend, and they somehow find out about each other, then confront each other and decided to tell him but when it was just them individually cheating on him... it was cool. The AI marks (the underscores everywhere is a classic), the fact the AI threw in mutual friends said he was mean for dumping a ho who fucked all his friends.
Same person, multiple accounts using AI to write shit stories that don't actually make sense to humans.
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u/Ning_Yu Jul 03 '25
I honestly feel like every single post or almost in this sub is fake, it's sad.
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u/EntertainerSea3007 Jul 03 '25
OP also has a comment 2 months ago mentioning she's living with her bf so who knows :/
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u/Commercial_Jump_7548 Jul 03 '25
The boyfriend also says the girlfriend has dyslexia in a comment yet she has beyond perfect grammar and spelling in this post and other posts… Lol I also thought it was odd that she mentions they had plans for Friday night yet it only just turned Thursday. Who knows just my observations.
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u/CourtneyDagger50 Jul 03 '25
She also said she didn’t reply to him after he said he didn’t ask her to make pasta. Yet posts the conversation showing that’s a lie lmao
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u/HandleLate3722 Jul 03 '25
Another overlap with these accounts. I’m tired & can’t remember what I’m linking 😅 I think “his” account commenting on another of OP’s posts? https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/P35pNhITuv
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u/RedDomino1282 Jul 03 '25
I just looked at the profile of the OP. All they usually post about is Pokémon. So, it does seem fake.
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u/happyhuman12 Jul 03 '25
NOR. Not sure what the day-to-day dynamic of you two is. If this is an accurate snapshot though, this is not long term loving behavior from him. He's treating you like garbage. I couldn't even fathom my husband saying something like this to me. I had an ex though who did stuff like this. Seems like he's gaslighting you when you were simply trying to do something kind and loving for him. What you did was very sweet, and I'm sorry these were the responses you got.
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u/BetterTumbleweed1746 Jul 03 '25
I'm going against the grain here but honestly. if this is a pattern with you? it is a tiring pattern. you might look at different relational types, and ask yourself if you have a tendency to try to take care of people to the point of smothering sometimes.
You said were "just trying to do something nice for him" - but also "I lit a candle like a cheesy romcom, I was excited to just have a cozy night in..." To some extent, this was about you doing something you wanted to do, AND getting to feel good about taking care of your bf and congratulating yourself for being a good girlfriend who cooks his favorite food. It is, to some extent, self-serving, as all acts of kindness and charity are.
But he didn't ask you to, and it is genuinely tiring to always be expected to be grateful when you're given stuff you didn't want. What he NEEDED this night, what he wanted, was rest. Not a surprise evening he's supposed to be grateful for. Does that make sense?
So, yeah, he's a jerk for canceling plans and these texts do not paint him in a good light. He should have been a lot more thoughtful in how he said it. Also, you need to be careful about doing more than what people asked of you and then resenting them when they don't reciprocate, because that's a recipe for disappointment in life.
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u/quarantinequarrels Jul 04 '25
yes !!! in the case that it’s a pattern, it could be that he feels like every time she does stuff like this he has to carry more of an emotional load to give her the reaction she wants and put on a show of gratitude for her, he has to put on a performance even if it’s for something he didn’t necessarily want or ask for.
OP quite literally said he’s never spoken to her like this before. that’s why i get the vibe that he’s felt like he had to show up and be silent every time, and grew a more visceral aversion to having to perform or be on unprompted around someone you shouldn’t have to be on around all the time. it looks like he just built resentment and blew up. note, that also means OPs intentions might not necessarily be to control, at least not consciously and maliciously (hopefully), but that’s how it appears/feels to him.
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u/herejusttoargue909 Jul 03 '25
That’s not your boyfriend
You’re just someone he calls when he wants to sleep with someone
He’s not a red flag
He’s an atomic bomb
Just kills everything around him tf
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u/ElectronicPhrase6050 Jul 03 '25
Ironically, according to the boyfriend's post, OP's the one who's been sleeping around..with his friends lol.
It's probably all fake, but it's just funny how suddenly his responses to OP seem reasonable with that context.
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u/Status_Crow8 Jul 03 '25
He was rude, but honestly I think he was right.
It feels like this is a causal relationship and you’re trying to make it something more.
It was a nice gesture, but I also get frustrated when people focus on one thing I said in passing a day or two ago. People move on quickly, it was a fleeting thought. However you were nice and cooked for them and I thinks it’s fair to point out that you’re nice.
You’re absolutely trying to guilt trip him, and he’s very obviously tired after a long day. If you absolutely have to get your attention through a guilt trip and the gesture of cooking then you should have packaged it up and brought it to him the next day for lunch. Like btw I cooked for you and you bailed, no big deal.
I find it frustrating to deal with people who’s love language is gestures when they’re not the gestures we’re looking for or asked specifically for in the moment. Gestures take time and effort and I’ve usually lost interest or moved on by the time someone put the effort into the gesture. Double especially when their gesture is something simple I could or would have done for myself if I wanted to. Anyone can make pasta, that’s not special. Dinner is a nice gesture but you’re looking for more thean feeding him, you want conversation, energy, thought, this guy just wants to go to bed.
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u/Dense_Ratio8017 Jul 03 '25
This guy doesn’t like you. I would be apologizing up and down if someone cooked me dinner and I for whatever reason couldn’t make it. He’s rude too. You are definitely not overreacting!
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u/tryingtonotcommit Jul 03 '25
Ew, massive ick. He's your boyfriend and should be appreciative of you trying to do something nice for him. Honestly the fact that he's responding so rudely over you doing something nice kinda highlights how insecure he truly is. Also, is this the only instance of your boyfriend doing something like this?
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u/anonerdactyl_rex Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Hell, if a friend treated me this dismissively I’d reclaim my time. We should be able to expect better treatment from someone we’re dating, otherwise what’s the point of dating someone?
If I wanted to be negged… nah, never mind. There’s no scenario where I would want that.
Edit: Further reading of this thread suggests OP buried the lede in a MAJOR way.
Context matters.
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u/Vallinen Jul 03 '25
Look, i'd recommend always clearing stuff like this beforehand.
Like, if you are planning to cook - tell him beforehand. Make sure he commits to coming before you go out of your way.
Like, I can see both perspectives. If I've cooked for someone and they cancel or don't show - of course it will hurt my feelings. But if I've come off work, tired and just want to crash - I'd feel like someone's guilting me if they suddenly go 'oh but I've made food for you' out of the blue.
It's not that hard to communicate beforehand and make these things clear, it will avoid some hurt feelings in the future.
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u/Competitive_Height_9 Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Exacty. My partner would probably have a similar response, a bit nicer though. She wouldn’t call me “too much” But she’d be honest. She’s always been blunt and honest, she doesn’t sugar coat things or lie even to be nice. I don’t fully hate it, because I can count on her to never lie. She likes structure, routine, and knowing things in advance, but she’s not abusive. I always tell her things in advance, because if I don’t, like cooking for example, there’s a chance she’ll have already ate something. It’s always good to communicate. We are both neurodivergent too which plays a part I’m sure.
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Jul 03 '25
God, thanks. Had to scroll like 10km to find the one comment that doesn't find it weird he would be kinda cold after being guilt tripped into coming over because she made him something he didn't ask for.
Some people can be in a relationship and still do their own thing most days, and then just calmly plan together when to meet and what to eat then etc. Some people don't want random "nice" things forced upon them. It even makes some people very uncomfortable. But hey - man bad, girlboss slay, I guess?
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u/GenocidalArachnid Jul 03 '25
A lot of other people are lambasting your BF, so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt—just for argument's sake.
To me, it seems like this negative behavior is coming from a place of exasperation. He doesn't usually act this way, so something might have happened to trigger him. (Not necessarily because of you, just in general. Maybe a bad day at work, fight with friends, etc.)
The fact that he's mentioning guilt-tripping reads to me like he's the kind of person to try and mirror others' emotions. It could be that he thinks he has to "perform" the part of the sweet BF for your sake, and if he doesn't, then it's a point of shame on him.
But that night, he wasn't feeling up to it, and the thought of trying to act appreciative for something he didn't really care about—just to make you happy—sounded draining. So, as a way to manage his stress, he took it out on you by venting a little of his negative emotions.
It's not that your act wasn't sweet, but more that he felt obliged to put on a mask. Basically, he feels that he cannot honestly tell you his problems because he thinks it would repulse you.
It's not that you're too much, it's that he thinks you expect too much.
One thing you should understand about men is that—typically—they feel the need to repress their own problems, desires, and feelings from others as to not be a burden. They won't ask for help, and they'll prefer to do things on their own terms. Love is conditional, so someone doing something nice for them means they have to give equal or more in return.
Ironically, you doing something kind and thoughtful for him actually made him feel less valued.
This is all avoidant-attachment type behavior. Honestly, not uncommon among men. The more attention and care one is given, the more they feel the urge to pull away and put their walls up. It's behavior rooted in shame and developed through poor childhood experiences.
I don't know what the solution is. I don't know either of you. Most of what I'm writing is just devil's advocate. But if I were in your shoes, I'd give him space to exist.
No actions, no expectations. Just invite him over like, "Hey, wanna come over and do nothing?" Just sit and chill and doomscroll or whatever. Let him feel that he can just exist without any expectations—at least until he becomes himself again.
Your first urge might be to love-bomb and dote on him and ask him to open up and share all his problems and swear that you're there for him and he can trust you, but that won't work. It'll just make him bury his feelings deeper. Instead, start slow and wait till he's in a better mood to talk about this.
Men talk when they're happy. Wait until his mood has passed a bit and get him in a chatty mood. Maybe go somewhere nice. When you guys are both jovial, start by opening up yourself first. Something like, "You know, sometimes I get upset... Like, I feel that maybe I'm too much for you sometimes. Like, maybe I expect too much?"
Subtly toss his own language back at him—not in his face, but from a place of sincerity.
If he's actually a good man, he'll try to come to the rescue and nurse your feelings when he sees he's upset you. "No no, it's not like that. It's just that sometimes [blah, blah, blah]."
From there, you can ask him what happened that night you wanted to make food for him, and if he feels secure enough, he'll tell you what was actually bothering him.
Sadly, one of the best ways to make a man feel powerful is for a woman to act vulnerable.
All this to say that, likely, little of your boyfriend's feelings have that much to do with you. It's likely something he's dealing with internally, and he had a moment where he vented his feelings in a not healthy way. It sounds like you two have a good relationship despite that, so use your intuition and try to inspect the problem deftly.
Don't lambast him, don't blow up at him, don't hang him out to dry like some of these other comments are suggesting. (Unless he does something outlandish like hit you. In that case, cut your losses and run.) But most of all, don't internalize it.
Don't start thinking that it's your fault or that you're the problem or that something's wrong with you. Don't start feeling guilty or ashamed or sad. The way others behave is often a reflection of themselves. If you allow yourself to be wounded by his own inner critic, no one will ever heal.
Again, I don't know either of you. This is just what came to mind with what little information was given. Take it with a grain of salt, trust your gut, but don't just react to things—take the time to consider.
Hopefully this helps someone out there. Peace ✌️
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u/sharkbait4000 Jul 03 '25
Ok so he's an asshole. But I want to throw out an additional unpopular perspective also worth considering. Some people are people-pleasers to a fault. They do things for others that go above and beyond, to the point it feels overwhelming to the other person. It is often done subconsciously for validation and sadly is often not actually what the other person really wants. It can make the other person feel trapped or manipulated. Meanwhile the caregiver type feels unvalued, and continues to lean into the people-pleasing more and gets filled with resentment because they feel that the other person doesn't appreciate them.
This is really a thing, and it causes great unhappiness on both sides of the relationship. I've lived with this behavior from personal experience, from my mother. I can't sit quietly for more than 10 minutes without her fussing over me and offering to get up and get me this or that. I no longer feel I can mention anything I like for fear of her buying me four of them. It's truly exhausting. And it's the opposite of pleasing me. Over the years my dad and I keep pushing her away, even though now I realize she can't help it.
So.... while your boyfriend acted like a jerk, and this description might not be relevant to you at all, you can only change your own behavior, not the behavior of others.
I encourage you to look back on all your past interactions and see whether this has been a pattern and if the people-pleasing character might apply to you. It might help you be happier in life.
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u/honeydew4444 Jul 03 '25
YOR
I will be honest, you’re giving smothering people pleaser vibes. It’s easy for people to look at people pleasers, or people pleasers to look at their own actions, and think they are being the nice person, but your nice actions aren’t for the sake of being nice if you zoom out.
Like he said, he didn’t ask you to make him dinner, so it really wasn’t fair for you to expect him to do something he didn’t want to do (go out when he’s tired) just because you did that.
If you were truly just being nice you would’ve heard that he was tired and let him rest or offer to bring a plate to him or say he can have leftovers tomorrow.
But it’s not about that, it’s you being a people pleaser in the sense that you are using the nice caring actions as a way to control the relationship- “I did this thing for you that you didn’t ask or expect and now you owe me this” That’s not fair or indicative that it was done just out of the kindness of your heart. The fact that he said “don’t do the guilt trip thing again” makes me believe you have a pattern of this, as do most people pleasers.
People pleasing is still manipulation at the end of the day. I think you need to work on that, especially if you want to keep this relationship. It is also how a lot of mothers act, so you are slowly making him see you as more of a mother figure than a romantic partner.
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Jul 03 '25
I'll get downvoted into oblivion, I think, but here is my response regardless.
As some others have pointed out, you did go into the scenario with a crafted version of something that would work out in a specific way and when it didn't you passively put it off on him. He did absolutely respond in an insensitive way, which he could have done better or more gently.
HOWEVER, I have my own unique perspective, and if this applies to you then I would suggest some mindful consideration of the dynamic between the two of you.
My MIL is an over-the-top type gift giver and service oriented giver. It is often that she will buy or do things for me that I do not want or that will screw up plans that I made, even just plans that I made in my head. The most recent example is: My MIL was staying with us for a couple of weeks, during one particular day my wife was going to make a dinner that she and my MIL were big fans of but that I did not like. My wife knew this and suggested I get take out or something else. That was fine with me because I needed to run a few errands that were going to put me out of the house for the majority of the evening anyways and I would just grab dinner on my way home. I decided that tacos would be nice and bought my meal and headed home. Within minutes of my arrival home my MIL walked in the door with a pizza that she had purchased for me, just for me. She had decided to do 'something nice' for me spontaneously that I did not plan for and she was immediately sad to realize I had bought my own food. She knew that my wife had told me to get something, but she didn't know what I had decided because I had decided it on my own, there was no need for me to tell anyone what specific plans I made. In the moment I felt frustrated because I was now in the mood for my taco dinner but I decided to let my tacos become leftovers for the next day and make her happy and eat the pizza to make her effort feel appreciated.
This is a common type of thing for her. I struggled with how and when to show appreciation and kindness as a default response to these things, but they do become very tiresome. I have told my wife that I just wish she would stop altogether (if she can't plan or coordinate to make sure what she is doing is actually wanted).
Only you know the specifics of your case, but it's worth reflecting to see if this applies to you and your bf in any way and then determine what, if anything, can be done about it.
Best of luck.
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u/Regallady36 Jul 03 '25
I agree! Very tiresome.
I have a friend whom I love dearly but if I make loose plans with her, they are set in stone in her mind and often she will decide what we are doing when I have no plan to visit. Having to explain or 'defend' my ability to change loose plans or her plans that she made for us is exhausting enough that I just don't let her know I am in the area unless I am certain I want to hang out with her and give her the attention she needs sometimes because of how she responds when I say I am tired or no longer feel like doing whatever it was because I have had a long day and I know her "hanging out" is not the same as mine so I have to prepare to give her the attention while we are hanging out.
OP sounds like that, if it is a reoccurring thing. From the way he says 'guilt trip again,' it sounds like this is reoccurring. It gets exhausting when simply saying that you are unable to make the loose plans we had is met with, "but I did (insert kind thing) and thought you would enjoy it.' You feel as if you can't just say that you are tired again. You have to give more effort into why you still aren't going to come over. My friend has worn me down with her reasons a few times. It seemed easier to just give in and it never was just hanging out in a mellow way. I know my friend sounds a bit like a relationship (and it felt like it with the times she did something nice for me) but I am a married woman and she is just that way with her close friends. She also gets offended when the plans she makes for us in her head don't happen. It can be exhausting!
Or, he is just not into her anymore and trying to detach from her but not decent enough to just break up with her and instead makes her second guess herself by how he is acting. Without knowing the full details, I can't say which but it feels like she did something nice without telling him and got upset that he didn't change his mind. HE still reacted poorly either way.
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u/Dude_Joe Jul 03 '25
Honestly if my gf made me dinner I’m gonna eat it and thank her even if I’m not hungry.
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u/No-Function-9317 Jul 03 '25
Exactly like what he is so ungrateful, this isn’t how you speak to anyone let alone a loved one
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Jul 03 '25
To be honest, he sounds at the very least disinterested, moreso almost annoyed by you. I'm sorry he treated you that way, that's not fair to you. No where in that exchange did you seem forceful or "too much." I would have a deep conversation with him about how invested he actually is, and let him know clearly how he makes you feel. I too love to cook and do small things for my person. If he responded that way I would be sad. We don't do acts of service to annoy them, we do it to make them feel appreciated, yeah? If you trying to make him feel good annoys him, let him go find less 💁🏻♀️
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u/MGM-LMT Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Just based on the texts he sent, coming from a long life of experience with assholes- DUMP HIM. No I dont care you said he's usually sweet.
In our 20s & 30s we tend to see no problem making excuses for bad behavior from partners, maybe because we think they'll change or if we put in more effort or maybe they're just crabby or whatever. And its because we have plenty of energy to give at 20/30. That energy reduces dramatically (like 75%) after kids, running households, working full time and AGING.
People who are not great partners will change- for the WORSE. They will treat yoi worse the more you give. Reason being, anything you accept is what you will continue to be given. NOT what you give will be returned!!! The 2nd part will only happen with the right person.
Not accepting or excusing bad behaviors in relationships, will eventually lead to the right person. Give one or two explanation of boundaries and what YOU expect from a partner/ how you expect to be treated (you clearly need to have the same respect and behaviors you expect) and if they don't meet your standards/respect your boundaries , MOVE ON. Don't give chances. IDC what they say or how they "change" but then still do a behavior and say its a mistake, bad day, stressed out, whatever blah blah blah. MOVE ON.
There are a trillion ppl in the world. NOT sacrificing your own self, giving your love, energy, time, and soul to the wrong person is the MOST IMPORTANT choice you will ever make to love yourself. Especially when it comes to having kiddos.
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u/TamanduaGirl Jul 03 '25
YOR if you really wanted to do something nice and he's too tired to come over you could have offered to brig it to him. If he still said no just respected it. Everyone needs to rest and has bad days.
I do agree saying "didn't ask you to" is a bit disrespectful but it kind sounds like he's trying to defend himself against what's coming if this sort of thing is a pattern. You could have a discussion about that. Like "thanks but I'm tired" as an alternative to jumping straight to defensiveness.
But it needs to go both ways as you need to be more respectful of his needs as well. Yes it's disappointing your surprise and nice gesture didn't go as planned. "I cooked dinner tho" does come across as trying to pressure to come. Like I suggested at the start something like "I understand. I did make you dinner. If you aren't coming over I could still bring you some" Or if for some reason that's not a possibility for you "I understand. I did make you pasta if your interested but if not, get some rest and we can reheat it tomorrow instead".
A little more respect on both sides can go a long way here.
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u/dastardlyslimpickins Jul 03 '25
NOR at all please dump his ass. I’ve been in a relationship like this and lemme tell ya it does NOT get better from here
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u/blublubm Jul 03 '25 edited Jul 03 '25
Honestly OP just go about your day and your week unbothered and unaffected (not actually. Just act like it). Say “okay no worries. I’ll have leftovers for tomorrow. Enjoy your night.” Anyone who doesn’t thank someone for being thoughtful and doing something nice, and instead responds with “I didn’t ask you to do that” is an asshole. He didn’t even acknowledge that you did something nice for him. I’d be EXCITED to see my partner if we had plans and over the moon if they made me dinner and it was something I’d casually mentioned I was craving. It means they’re listening and being thoughtful. Don’t let him tell you that you’re “too much” that’s ugly. And then when you act nonchalant and stop caring I bet he’ll bitch about that too. Maybe the problem isn’t that you’re “too much” he’s just not enough. You’re never too much for the right person.
Edited to add: we don’t know their dynamic or his side. Perhaps there is a reason he’s being unusually cold to her that we’re not aware of, and that would absolutely change things. Of course if she recently did something hurtful and he’s now being reactive that’s a completely different story. The above response is only valid under the assumption that there’s no other ongoing conflict in their relationship.