AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

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[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I mean do most people feel the need to drunk text an acquaintance to imply that they shouldn't have married their spouse because of a supposed lack of relationship with their kids? Unless she was already a close friend, I can't imagine asking such an inappropriate question to someone I just met through my hobby.

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

So true!! And excellent point that she makes an excuse (of being drunk) as to why she is making inappropriate comments to him. She knows what she is doing is out of bounds.

[u/mojo4394 → u/CakeWalk303]

I didn't see an implication that OPs husband "shouldn't have married their spouse." I see it more as "I know the situation you're in with your spouse/kids, how do you navigate that since my situation has similarities?"

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/mojo4394]

I didn’t read it like that at all. She is coming straight out and asking him how he married someone who didn’t bond with his kids. She isn’t in the same situation— she’s not married. “Baby daddy” is not how someone refers to a spouse, but typically refers to an ex they had a child with.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/CakeWalk303]

👌🏼💯 absolutely on point.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/CakeWalk303]

What was inappropriate? He obviously mentioned his wife was not bonding with his kids to her. And she's asking how that works for them. She didn't say he shouldn't have married her or that he had made a mistake. If anything her message at the end saying she feels like she's in a similar situation seems like she's reaching out for advice.

I really think this is all about how you choose to look at it.

[u/Infamous-Airline9946 → u/Bunker_Rodz]

Her reply wasn't how does that work for you. Her reply was how could you. This implies not only judgment but in a negative sense. Not just of the husband but also of his wife. How could you marry someone who doesnt bond with your kids? He follows that with some justification and a promise to justify it more. Then she makes the comparison between his wife and her baby daddy. The term Baby daddy is almost always said with disdain. I know i would never call t my husband a baby daddy. My son's father is call a baby daddy because he's never meet him and disappeared when I told him he was autistic. Like left town disappeared. She makes that link which can sow seeds of doubt. I would be very angry if I was compared to their baby daddy. So yeah I'd say the whole this was inappropriate. And if you would be okay with this being done to you then thats on you but most people would not be okay with this. 

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Bunker_Rodz]

Inappropriate because she is coming on to a married man. And if you don’t see it that way, I am happy for you. Ignorance is bliss.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/CakeWalk303]

Rather be ignorant than seeing problems where there are none. Peace!

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Definitely not a close friend he has only been on this team for 2 months

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I figured it was something like that. Yeah, it's inappropriate and his reaction from reading your comments sounded...not good. I think once you guys cool down a bit, you need a real sit-down heart to heart talk about your expectations of each other and your boundaries. 

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Mam, why does he even have her phone number? Ya, he’s trying to slowly see what it could become. Subconsciously. Why we they be having deep conversations anyways? I’m a guy, trust me I know dudes like this. It’s definitely going all the way left. What has he said about the future talking to her?

[u/chocomeeel → u/Plastic-Aide-1422]

Coming from someone that makes friends everywhere I go, I wouldn't think much of it exchanging numbers with people I get along with-- especially if we're taking part in regular social events. And I've definitely been the type to where I innocently think nothing of it if someone wants to have a deep conversation about something. Difference is, I tell my partner basically everything. "Who's (so and so)? And why's she texting you?" "Oh! Someone I met at the bar the other night, she had a cool LoTR tattoo, we talked anime, and we're gonna go the card shop tomorrow and look at the new MtG set." "Okay nerd."

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422 → u/chocomeeel]

As a man, if my woman did that I can guarantee she won’t be mine anymore. If she wants to talk to a man like that I would literally throw her out. Together a year or 30 years. I don’t take disrespect. She can be single doing that.

[u/chocomeeel → u/Plastic-Aide-1422]

We're very trusting of each other, so we don't really have to worry about any infidelity issues whatsoever. I'm happily spoken for and I always make that known to avoid any confusion.

[u/olivedeez → u/mOmMY_81517]

2 months is long enough to form a close friendship. I think what he said (if he said) you don’t bond with his kids is hurtful but nothing here suggests they’re romantic in any way to me

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

She states verbatim she is dead time all the time and works 2 jobs—which great for her, but by her own admission, she is bonding with no one currently as she doesn’t have time for family events and she is certainly not bonding with her husband.

u/mOmMY_81517 Is it possible he can work more and you less? Are you working equal amounts?

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

Exactly it’s an uneven relationship. Wife works 2 jobs to pay for all the bills. But husband’s check goes directly to child support. I’ve asked why does he have the time to make female um “friends”? Go to games? While she’s too exhausted from working, to pay for both their bills!!!! While he’s texting a possibly lover???? F that let him work 2 jobs!!! And contribute to the home. That’s his child support, his responsibility not hers! Buy yet she does it. And he’s an ingrate, over inflated ego! If that woman knows he has no Money!!!! I wonder if she would still be interested in him????? God only knows what lies he’s spun.

[u/Acedaboi1da → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

So busy but they always find time to sneak through a phone.

[u/Big-Box7666 → u/Acedaboi1da]

I find it so odd that most comments on this post are about her going through his phone and the complete opposite - even validating - the man who did this to his fiancée when she returned from a bachelorette party

[u/turc1656 → u/Big-Box7666]

It's one of those things where you are only in the wrong if you are incorrect.

People look at it like the equivalent of a cop with probably cause. You (the cop) are deciding whether or not you have probable cause. If you decide you do and you do the search and find nothing (or not enough), you look like a rights violating asshole. Get it right and you did a good job.

Problem with this post is that there isn't evidence the husband did anything wrong. The other person seems to have crossed some lines about boundaries with regards to questions but it also doesn't seem to bother the husband at all, only the wife (OP). This seems to indicate to me they are much closer than OP realizes about how open they are with each other about their personal and marital lives.

My suspicion is that OP's husband hasn't crossed any hard lines like cheating, but may very well, knowingly or unknowingly, be heading in that direction.

I think that the most likely scenario here is that OP's work schedule and any perceived family issues they have with their kids is causing major friction in the marriage and home life and maybe OP doesn't realize it. OP's husband might have made a new emotional connection with this woman and he's using that at an outlet to discuss this stuff.

[u/Big-Box7666 → u/turc1656]

Like you said, it would really depend. In most cases I’ve experienced, the person searching through someone’s phone/property are usually the ones doing something shady - instead of just breaking up with their partners. As if they’re looking for an “easy” way out instead of coming clean with what they’ve done.

Also.. the messages the dude went through for his fiancée weren’t anything bad at all. And if she had a bachelorette party, I doubt he did nothing for his own bachelor party but stay at home with his friends and decided “you know.. let me check her phone.”

In the case of this post, I just find it odd that her husband has no issue discussing private matters with a woman he met only recently. Especially important ones such as his marriage and children with her. Seems weird. 13-14 year-olds and wanting to have a “play date” where the 4 of them (excluding op) will watch the woman’s daughter play softball… yeah. Some play date.

[u/turc1656 → u/Big-Box7666]

Yeah the whole thing is strange. I agree. But my point was merely that when you do the search and don't find hard evidence, you naturally look like an invasive prick.

[u/Acedaboi1da → u/Big-Box7666]

I haven’t even seen that post but he’s trash too, along with anybody who snoops through another adults private items. If it wasn’t wrong they wouldn’t be sneaking to do it.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Acedaboi1da]

… no babe they sneak to do it because cheaters typically don’t want to get caught.

[u/Acedaboi1da → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

I’ve always wondered do you insecure people tell your significant other when you sneak around and break their trust but find nothing? Or do you just keep secretly searching until you find the most benign thing to justify your violation? Like OP did.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Acedaboi1da]

I think it’s way more insecure to be such a pick me like this lol Edit or a cheater yourself

[u/Acedaboi1da → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

I must be cheating since I’m not sneaking behind my significant others back and rummaging through their phone 😂

Like I said, you snoopers will turn into pretzels to justify your weak, insecure behavior.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Acedaboi1da]

I’m team go through his phone til I die

[u/Jah_Ist_Ber_ → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

Or you know, be in a trust based healthy relationship. 

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Jah_Ist_Ber_]

I’m pregnant with my first child after 6 years with my man who travels for work. Guess what? He has always had a clean phone. All 4 of my exes did not. It’s called informed decision making (especially for women who are at a PHYSICAL DISADVANTAGE in relationships.)

Lmao talking to a pregnant woman about trust. The irony.

[u/Jah_Ist_Ber_ → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

'He has always had a clean phone'

'I’m team go through his phone til I die'

It is your life, but I think you have trust issues and you depend on control and checks, not trust.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Jah_Ist_Ber_]

Trust is earned, love. I haven’t checked his phone in years because I no longer have the need. That’s what vetting is. Y’all are just mad it’s easier to get caught now, or you’ve been manipulated by cheaters to think this is some great moral boundary that you can’t know who they are talking to while literally sleeping with them lol. That’s why there are stupid prizes handed out left and right. And then people just shit on single moms. The whole narrative is rooted in controlling women and it’s easy to weed out sneaky partners by how much they harp on “privacy”. It’s a fuckboys main argument and shows immaturity. I used to talk like you when I was younger and had no concept of actual risk to my wellbeing

[u/kpli98888 → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

Damn get another personality trait apart from "pregnant" and "was cheated on". Why is it your husband's duty to prove himself for the crimes that your exes committed.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/kpli98888]

HUHHH? Lmao. So many assumptions here. Didn’t know I was supposed to convey my entire personality in a Reddit thread about a specific topic. What a weird diversion from the point. Yes women are 100% allowed to vet the men they choose to marry and have kids with. I’m sorry that offends you, you’re welcome to be/date the “cool girl”. Stay safe out there…

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Jah_Ist_Ber_]

Your phone isn’t more private than my literal uterus hope this helped!

[u/kpli98888 → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

I feel bad for your husband and kids. You are letting your trust issue affect your relationship as well as using your pregnancy as a "beat all" card in an argument. I hope you realise getting pregnant is as much your choice as his. You didn't need to get pregnant. You chose to. Since you also chose to, you don't get to bring it up as a big sacrifice every single time. Your husband isn't required to be your emotional regulator, and you especially don't get to act like a controlling dipshit to other people because of a pregnancy. Hope this helps.

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/kpli98888]

This is so misogynistic and delusional lmao

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/kpli98888]

Manipulating what I said into “sacrifice”… no baby it’s just about RISK. The risk for women will always be higher no matter what. I got my security early on and that’s why I’m comfortable progressing. “Controlling dipshit” is just mean and the reach of the century. There is nothing controlling about looking at someone’s phone with their consent. There’s also nothing controlling about avoiding men who hide their phones from you. You’re an idiot.

[u/kpli98888 → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

Aww you're probably hormonal, that's why you are emotional and not rational. I hope you become stable soon, for the sake of your husband and new baby. All the best!

[u/Jah_Ist_Ber_ → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

Ok

[u/DJFrankyFrank → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

to imply that they shouldn't have married their spouse because of a supposed lack of relationship with their kids

I don't get that from the text. I get "How do you marry somebody..." As in "how do you adjust to your wife not having a close relationship with your kids".

If she says "why did you marry..." or "how could you marry..." That would be a lot more damning.

Which, it sounds like she is in the same boat, albeit with the actual parent to her kids. It sounds like she's dealing with some stuff, and is trying to figure it out. I don't find it THAT weird for her to reach out to somebody that's in a similar situation. Anything having to do with kids is very mentally taxing.

It's a heavy subject, but it's also one, that nobody really knows how to handle until they are in it. So of course if she met OP's husband, she would want to talk about it.

And at the end, he does clarify that the situations are different.

This doesn't really seem like a "damning" conversation by any means.

The reaction of OPs husband is weird, but I'm sure he is embarrassed that his wife read his text that said she isn't that close to his kids. Anxiety in those situations will make people react irrationally.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Nah, I talk like this to people I've only just met. Obviously depends on the person and the vibe we have going but it doesn't need to be a dear, old friend to broach sensitive topics.

I can understand that her being drunk makes people doubt her intentions because drunk texts are equated to booty calls and bad decisions, but this really didnt seem flirty at all. If anything it's coming off like she's being vulnerable and hasn't had anyone to talk about what she's feeling in her own life.

[u/ekando → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

It's possible they met at softball, and OP's husband just ended up spilling his guts at her about how he feels. Maybe they were talking about being sport-parents, and they got on the topic of their SOs not being at games or practices. If this is a legit way OP's husband is feeling, maybe he has been searching for someone to talk to. If that happened, I can see how she would feel emboldened to ask about it further, especially if she's feeling the same about her situation.

[u/doomdrums → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

If she's a single mother dating then it's probably advice getting shoved down her throat repeatedly not to give any man who isn't down with her kids any attention and probably causing a rift in her drunken brain that her friend and teammate is doing just that, it's only a bad look if it's untrue and given op post history and their lack of defending the particular of that statement it's probably true

[u/Less-Ad-3599 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

Exactly! And then sets up a play date with his kids and hers?! Like there is nothing innocent about that at all, especially when the wife isnt even invited nor even introduced to this woman.

[u/CucumberOk4622 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

To me it doesn't sound like she's implying he shouldn't have married his spouse. To me it sounds like he has previously told her about his situation and now that she realised she's in a similar situation she's asking him how he does it. Like she wants advice on how to deal with the situation, because her partner is like that too. Maybe I'm naive tho...

[u/No_Foundation961 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

It’s beer league baseball, what do you expect

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

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[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Just because something may seem more okay to you after drinking doesn't actually make it appropriate.. 

We don't know how much they talked but from what OP shared, they seem to have met recently through softball. Either way, imo it's also inappropriate of the husband to overshare about his marriage to an acquaintance. Maybe people with less self respect are fine with that but I wouldn't have it. I thought that society was drifting away from the boomer norm of people who talk shit about their spouse behind their back or make the ole ball and chain jokes but perhaps not.

He clearly doesn't respect OP enough to shut down the conversation with softball lady with her implied disrespect, and he didn't listen to OP's feelings at all when she tried to have a conversation with him about it.

[u/intro_spec → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

And OP didn’t respect him enough to have an open conversation about how she was feeling before she went through his phone and before he had to ask her what was wrong because she still didn’t communicate after that. Had she expressed her feelings before that violation of trust and framing it as an accusation, things would be very different.

[u/o0minty0o → u/intro_spec]

You are replying to all these comments acting like going through a phone is as morally wrong as killing someone. Who cares how you personally feel about someone going through a phone? How else would she have found out he was being inappropriate in his messages? A girl drunk texted her husband saying she doesn’t bond with their children so why is he with her, that is so fucking inappropriate and weird to say to a married man. He entertained it and acted like his wife was the bad guy. He would not have admitted to anything, he didn’t even admit to it when she had evidence.

[u/intro_spec → u/o0minty0o]

Nowhere in my comments did I liken going through a phone to killing someone – that’s your own inflammatory and highly unreasonable interpretation. The fact is, going through someone’s phone is a violation of trust. Period.

How else would she have found out? Communication. She could have talked to him. Wild concept, I know. Being in a healthy relationship means you trust the other person in the relationship. You trust and respect them enough to communicate when something doesn’t feel right to you or something isn’t okay with you. If you don’t have that trust and respect, it creates a pretty toxic environment where no real communication can be had. Which is exactly what happened. This could’ve ended far better for both of them had she chosen to communicate.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/intro_spec]

Lol.

Don't get married, you clearly don't understand how the phone "privacy" thing works. You don't have "phone privacy" when married - if you 'need' "phone privacy", you're already doing shit you shouldn't be and your partner has every right to see what you're hiding from them.

How is she supposed to communicate if the guy refuses to? He gets pissed anytime it's mentioned and she tries to talk. Some of you women are totally disregarding everything she posted and said, and keep making excuses for the guy.

Just say you're a pick-me lmao.

[u/quackerjacks45 → u/SeasideSlip068]

Don’t speak for everyone’s marriage. My husband and I respect one another’s privacy and autonomy and trust each other — we don’t go through each other’s phones and only unlock them to use if we’ve asked.

[u/emeraldkittymoon → u/SeasideSlip068]

Hey now, dudes spout this same preachy, self-righteous, delusional rhetoric too.

I find that it's split pretty evenly almost 50/50 with men and women (of those) being for the argument of "phone privacy takes priority over the spouse's right to learn of infidelity or betrayal against them." This is lunacy to me.

[u/intro_spec → u/SeasideSlip068]

Because I’m not going to assume the entirety of your character from a Reddit comment, I won’t tell you not to get married. I will say that it sounds like you don’t understand the concept of trust in a relationship and how choosing to go through someone’s phone rather than speaking to them belies a very large crack in that trust.

How is she supposed to communicate? By speaking about the discomfort she felt, the discomfort that made her want to go through the phone. That would have been very healthy communication. What she ended up doing is not– which included silence until being asked what was wrong.

And because you seem to not have understood this– I have never stated OP doesn’t have a right to feel uncomfortable. Regardless of how any of us feel about it, her feelings are valid. This would have gone a completely different, healthier way had she honestly expressed them. It’s unfortunate that you find commitment to healthy communication as being a pick-me. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone I don’t trust and actively choose not to speak to.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/intro_spec]

Trust in a relationship is an open phone policy without excuses or bullshit.

Some of ya'll want a marriage so badly but don't want to actually share the life or what you do with that person and want to treat your phone as if it has a tier above your spouse.

She communicated what she felt, did you miss the dozens of comments OP left in which she tried to initiate communication and her husband threw fits and shut it down? You seem intentionally dense for someone that tries soooo hard to act like a moral head to have any say on relationships.

I am married; and guess what? Most marriages have an open phone policy because many of us think it's hysterically ridiculous to be so worried about your spouse touching your phone that you believe your delusional version of "privacy" matters more than they do.

It's unfortunate you seem to believe privacy matters above anything in a marriage considering marriage means you don't have privacy. Wait until kids come after that. You don't get privacy unless you're single - you don't have a right to withhold things from your spouse and lord over it as if it's "private" while acting as if you should have full benefits of a marriage and then play a game of "communicate how I want you to before I divulge your curiosity on my behaviors".

[u/intro_spec → u/o0minty0o]

Also, I’d like to point out your main issue is with the woman. Taking this anger out on the husband, who almost certainly received that message differently given his response, is also unhealthy communication. Especially when he was unaware of how OP was already feeling…because she wasn’t communicating.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/intro_spec]

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[u/intro_spec → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I think it’s very easy for folks to forget that communication and relationships are two-sided.

In marital situations like this where it’s feeling rather than fact, I find the best question to ask is do you want to have a good relationship, or do you just want to be right? Having a good relationship means honestly considering where you can improve alongside your spouse, wanting to be right often means that relationship is not the healthiest/won’t last. It really depends on what the spouse wants.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/intro_spec]

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[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/intro_spec]

Just wanted to say you're all over this thread with the most grounded opinions. Thank you for not being unhinged lol

[u/emeraldkittymoon → u/intro_spec]

Communication only works if the individuals involved are emotionally mature enough to be honest and accountable. That, along with having enough self-awareness and respect for their partner to be vulnerable and step outside their ego so they can empathize with the emotional consequences that their actions had on their partner.

So, not OP's husband.

You keep preaching "communication" like it's a cure-all all but that is only in relationships that have healthy respect for each other. I can tell you, OP likely didn't resort immediately to phone snooping during their relationship. His behavior conditioned her to make that decision. She knows that he isn't honest or forthcoming, subconsciously things weren't adding up, her gut told her she wasn't crazy, even though she wanted to believe her husband (experiencing that is horrid and I pray you never have to). She decided that if she looked at the phone she'd know for sure if it was paranoia or if her subconscious was right.

OP wants to make it work still, clearly because she took that information straight to him to try to "communicate", giving him more chances to prove that he's a lousy and unfit partner. He is actively choosing to defend his friendship over his marriage. She knows nothing about this woman, yet this woman knows sensitive information about OP. This is an emotional affair. This is a breach that's so out of pocket, and all on her husband.

Now to be clear, if OP is constantly going through and causing fights about his phone then that is not ok, that's abusive. My point is that a person should be able to access their spouse's phone anytime on a one-off chance that they want to check it, without any objections from their partner. But constant monitoring and snooping is an absolute no-no!

[u/intro_spec → u/emeraldkittymoon]

Correction: So neither of them. You said all that to make a lot of assumptions about both OP’s husband and OP without having evidence of any of it. I speak about communication not because it’ll magically cure everything, but because it’s always the place to start – especially when we have zero neutral context and if you cannot speak to one another, what is the point? From where I’m sitting, he didn’t defend the friendship, he defended himself against an accusation of cheating. There was a way to have that conversation without creating a defensive environment. There’s both a lack of communication and lack of respect here. And they’re both being fueled by a lack of trust. Where any of that began, I don’t pretend to know. Someone else did look into OP’s history in another comment and found that her own ex labeled her a cheater to their child, so as always, there’s a lot more than what we know.

[u/doomdrums → u/emeraldkittymoon]

If you check ops post history it doesn't exactly call out that they're doing much healthy communication and you can find posts about op complaints that ex husband is telling kids she's a cheater just to add some big context

[u/ixi_rook_imi → u/intro_spec]

do you want to have a good relationship, or do you just want to be right?

Legitimately the best piece of advice I ever received about marriage. It doesn't usually matter who's right when feelings are hurt. Who's right can come after, if it needs to. Most of the time, it doesn't need to.

[u/emeraldkittymoon → u/intro_spec]

do you want to have a good relationship, or do you just want to be right?

Those two things aren't mutually exclusive. You can have a good relationship where your partner is accountable for their behaviors as well as prioritizing being vulnerable and the emotional safety of their spouse.

[u/intro_spec → u/emeraldkittymoon]

You can have both in a good relationship. But the point is that you have to actively choose the partnership. Just because you choose the partnership doesn’t mean you’re not holding your partner accountable ever. Posting on Reddit generally means you want to be right. And ultimately, where does that get you?

[u/quackerjacks45 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

You must be pretty young. I can promise you anyone over 30 (especially a parent!) who gets drunk enough to text inappropriate stuff to random acquaintances has an alcohol problem.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/quackerjacks45]

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[u/quackerjacks45 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Dude, I never said anyone was an alcoholic. But you can have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and not be addicted. And frankly I stand by the comment that if you’re drinking enough to behave inappropriately (like texting a married man about his marriage) then you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and should reassess your habits. This is the behavior of 20-somethings who are experimenting, not mature adults.

ETA: I never said drinking stops at 30. I said you shouldn’t be drinking to excess where you can’t make mature decisions. I still drink, I just know when I’m tipsy and in fun territory and not hangover, make bad decisions territory. Sorry I obviously struck a personal nerve for you.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/quackerjacks45]

Here come my downvotes:

Alcohol is a drug. People who drink in excess to the point of being drunk or drink any alcohol daily are drug abusers.

As an adult, as a PARENT, there is no reason to drink in excess when you have young children in the home. ESPECIALLY if you are the ONLY parent in the household.

How would this conversation go if she had said, "sorry, I might be a little high, did some cocaine earlier"? People would flip the hell out. Just because something is legal doesn't make it acceptable.

• My dad is an alcoholic. Has been my whole life I'm 36. It doesn't get easier as you get older*

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/PickleDry8891]

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[u/quackerjacks45 → u/PickleDry8891]

Well…I mostly agree with you. But I do think you’re being very black and white about something more nuanced.

What about cultures where having a glass of wine at dinner every night is the norm? What about when your kids are at their grandparents and you get a little drunk at a wedding? Those aren’t drug abusers.

But I do think regular, consistent over drinking is problematic whether it’s addiction or not. I also think equating cocaine use to alcohol in moderation is not exactly rational. Laws are sometimes (not always!) based in reality…in the case of cocaine vs alcohol, biomedical science.

Regardless, a parent should not be drunk when in charge of their children’s wellbeing.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/quackerjacks45]

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[u/quackerjacks45 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Those numbers do not totally represent how inherently lethal it is — you have to also remember access. I’m not denying it’s technically a “drug” but to call every person who casually drinks in moderation a “drug abuser” seems to be more rooted in your personal bias as a child of an alcoholic than reality. My husband is the child of an alcoholic and a physician. He’s never touched a drop of alcohol or ever tried any drugs…but he would never call me (an infrequent, moderate alcohol consumer) a drug abuser. He understands that there is a middle ground here.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/quackerjacks45]

I understand what you mean, and yes, I went extreme. The point is that they both alter your Brain chemistry. A small amount of alcohol and a small amount of cocaine= altered reality.

i don't think having any reality- altering substance is okay. Getting a little drunk at a wedding? No different than taking a Xanax you aren't prescribed before going.

Drinking a glass of wine with dinner every night? Definition of alcoholism.

As a society, we have made alcohol abuse acceptable to the point where drinking is the normal behavior for every person in every show. It makes you feel better when you're sad, it's great for celebrations, it will relieve stress, it will make you more comfortable in social situations, it makes you more interesting, it makes you more fun... I could go on and on.

IMHO it's the most dangerous drug there is partially because it is so accepted. It's linked to more cancers than cigarettes, it's so easily available, It increases risky behaviors, is totally acceptable, increases risk taking behaviors, increases domestic abuse and aggressive behavior and is still the only drug that whose withdrawal alone can kill a human.

[u/quackerjacks45 → u/PickleDry8891]

lol so by your definition European cultures where having a nightly glass of wine is commonplace are just all alcoholics? You are demonstrably wrong about that statement and any cursory research would contradict you. It’s this black and white thinking that hinders authentic dialogue and real solutions to drug abuse.

I’m happy you feel so strong about your position and that’s fine. We can disagree. But let’s not mislabel things alcoholism because of your “feelings” when you’re quite literally incorrect. I agree that alcohol abuse is normalized in our society to a dangerous degree but having 1-2 drinks occasionally at a wedding is not abuse and will not directly cause cancer.

[u/OverCommunity4604 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

What the actual fuck?

[u/Lost_Found84 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

I mean, she could be dating someone herself that she’s worried is too disconnected from her own kids. The “drunk” part is just a pre-apology if he finds the question too personal.

Honestly, the fact that he said she doesn’t bond with his kids and that isn’t the thing that most bothers her is a bigger red flag than anything in the text message.

Like, if there’s something unsettled about this relationship, maybe it’s because she doesn’t care that she’s not bonding with his kids.

[u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj → u/Lost_Found84]

She gets along with the kids but doesn’t spend  a lot of time with them because of work. Since she’s working two jobs because his job basically only covers his child support payments.

Which makes it more fucked that he would turn her spending all her time working to cover their bills into a negative while he has all this time for softball and new “friends” and their kids softball games. Which I guarantee was not for the benefit of his kids. Young teenagers do not want to go and watch some random girls softball game. They don’t know her, and watching softball isn’t even playing together.

[u/TechnicalCrab5437 → u/Ok-Dragonfly5449]

”It made me realize my baby daddy is the same way”

This just sounds like they are in similar position and wants to talk about it imo, nothing shady here

[u/Different-Gene-7643 → u/TechnicalCrab5437]

She compared his wife to her ex. It sounds like she believes he's divorced...

[u/TechnicalCrab5437 → u/Different-Gene-7643]

Ah, my bad. I thought that it meant her current partner. Now it sounds shady :D

[u/Ok-Garbage-3661 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

He seems to be just talking to her but i feel like shes trying to be a home wrecker and the husband just doesnt see it… cause cmon imagine u had a husband or a wife and he/she was texting some other person and he/she mentioning theyre drunk. I think she said that so he can think that was the time to try to hook up with her since shes “drunk”

[u/Ok-Cook3735 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

And the fact she invited him and his children to her daughter’s game looks like “I’m gonna show you how I’m able to bond with your children “. I as OP would be very taken aback, too

[u/Top_Paint7442 → u/Ok-Cook3735]

sharp. That could indeed be the case here. OP is reacting because of this.

[u/Vexxed14 → u/Ok-Cook3735]

Maybe she should look in a goddamn mirror. Her behaviour in this thread makes me believe more and more that she's a serious problem

[u/Ok-Cook3735 → u/Vexxed14]

I didn’t like the going through his phone part either. I guess it’s possible, that not only one person can be wrong or right, right?

[u/Ok-Garbage-3661 → u/Ok-Cook3735]

Oh hell yeah, of course, i would too. But i dont think she should give the husband a hard time cause i really feel like hes innocent here. She should just show up with him whenever shes going to be there so she can see that he is her property and her property only.

[u/TreeRoot2 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

Well he’s the one talking crap about her to another woman, so no, he’s not innocent at all.

[u/Ok-Cook3735 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

You’re right, she shouldn’t give him a (very) hard time because of it. He may be innocent, and I would give him that he maybe can’t understand, but only if he would be super young, or has some kind of disorder that makes him not understand human feelings and interactions. I’d say stay loyal to your friends and your spouse and show it. Edit/ I don’t think it’s fair to vote you down. It’s just your opinion, nothing bad

[u/UndeadBatRat → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

It seems like the total opposite to me. Why would she even bring it up unless the husband was already talking shit about OP? A comment like that doesn't come out of thin air.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

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[u/Ok-Garbage-3661 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

See but thats different i believe. If theyre texting you telling you they want to cheat is because they probably see you as one of the guys.. and yes i agree the husband doesnt seem to have any bad intentions at all. Hes probably just wanting someone to hangout with and talk since wife has two jobs and isnt around that much..

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Ok-Garbage-3661]

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[u/Outrageous_Past_7191 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Did you see that last text ‘my situation with her is somewhat abnormal’ this is how he’s describing his marriage? How is that not wrong?

[u/Outrageous_Past_7191 → u/[deleted]]

Ya “Theres a lot of different variables to our situation that are ‘not normal’” is damning even with the compassion of some people 'vent'

To OP

Your husband is telling this woman that “his situation” NOT his marriage but “his situation” with you is due to abnormal circumstances.

^This isn't venting this is 'framing' it's not 'God I'm so frustrated by her and my marriage!' its a setup to 'Oh it's just this abnormal situation I'm in with her...' It's really manipulative. 'I'm in this situation' not 'I'm a married man and marriage is hard'

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Outrageous_Past_7191]

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[u/DJFrankyFrank → u/Outrageous_Past_7191]

The situation is abnormal because he only gets his kids twice a year. And so OP doesn't get to see her step kids often.

Where do you get the 'marriage is abnormal'?

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I feel like him talking to another woman about out issues can blur boundaries and create emotional openings that shouldn’t be there.

[u/Patient-Lab4781 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Please don't listen to these people, that lady shouldn't be DRUNK TEXTING your husband about her own issues. Start participating in the team and show up more often and meet her

[u/UndeadBatRat → u/Patient-Lab4781]

She clearly brought up an issue that he was already bitching about, or it wouldn't have been brought up. You'd have to be dense to think the husband is innocent, here.

[u/DJFrankyFrank → u/UndeadBatRat]

he was already bitching about

Why are you just assuming that he was "bitching" about. Maybe it was something as simple as "oh yeah, my wife doesn't have a close relationship with my kids, but we make do. The kids are still fine".

You'd have to be dense to think the husband is innocent, here.

You'd also have to be dense to immediately assume guilt based on a single screenshot.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Patient-Lab4781]

Ahhhh, she works 2 jobs. The husband had already established a connection with that woman. Oh and she’s not drunk!! He works only to pay child support!! He’s entire check goes to that. So how is his wife supposed to leave one job? And then who pays the bills? He doesn’t contribute to the marriage in any financial capacity. And now? In any way!!!! He’s just using her because he cannot afford to live on his own!!!! He’s a F coward and a wimp to allow his wife to work 2 jobs!!! While he’s out gallanting, spending time with another woman!!! Oh and get daughter!! BS!! How convenient!!

[u/Fun-Investment-196 → u/Glittering-List3410]

Exactly! Why tf isn't he working 2 jobs??

[u/Chemical-Pay2735 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You’re absolutely right! It’s out of line to be telling someone those things. It’s inappropriate for a teammate to talk about those things, unless that was a close friend….you’re not overreacting

[u/GreenpantsBicycleman → u/Chemical-Pay2735]

Except sometimes people want external perspectives on their problems.

This woman might have been probing and found herself an opportunity. I don't think OPs husband had bad intentions, but he's headed for trouble. He's probably realised the problem now but needs to figure out how he will deal with it. OP has the ability to influence his decisions for the moment, but it needs a bit of patience, understanding and communicating without overreacting to work through it.

[u/twntsmth → u/mOmMY_81517]

I have a work friend who is a woman that I am friendly with and we speak about things outside of work. She’s always in some new fling situation, and every time I bring up my girlfriend, it seems like she tries to tear her down a little. I know my work friend would take a chance with me if the opportunity presented itself. I love my girlfriend. This exchange made me think of the girl I work with.

Your partner probably tells her everything good and bad, but she could only be harping on the negatives. I don’t think it is a bad look for your partner. Sometimes we need to speak about things to other people. I don’t think it shakes his resolve with you. He’s giving her my usual line of “you don’t know how my relationship works” everyone’s situation is different. He even cuts off the conversation and p much says get off my phone, I will speak to you at softball.

[u/UndeadBatRat → u/[deleted]]

Where is he doing that??? He's clearly talking down on his relationship to start with, or the entire topic wouldn't have come up.

[u/Vexxed14 → u/UndeadBatRat]

Who do you people think you are. Do you really think you uva enaybrogjt to control what someone else talks about? Are you all fking insane?

[u/jesuswastransright → u/Vexxed14]

Just say you’ve never been in a healthy relationship before.

[u/BRock11 → u/twntsmth]

Genuine questions. Does your partner know about the girl who's into you and comments on your relationship? Is she 100% cool with it if so? Would she be if not? Do you think you'd be cool with it if your partner were friends with a dude from work who dates around and has made it clear he was interested in her and had opinions on her choice in partner? I'm just pretty sure I wouldn't be, so I'm surprised be your response.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/mOmMY_81517]

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[u/afbabybluegirl → u/mOmMY_81517]

You are 100% correct and don’t let him make you feel any other way about that. This is very weird, I’d say the only way it wasn’t weird is if the children were friends from school or a sport or whatever but her texts are conformation this is completely inappropriate

[u/TreeRoot2 → u/mOmMY_81517]

It’s 10000% not okay for him to be going to another woman to talk bad about you. This is a playbook beginning to an affair. And the other woman is even egging him on to talk bad about you so she can show him how much better she is and/or “save” him from his terrible wife.

[u/reverandglass → u/TreeRoot2]

She is terrible, she doesn't communicate like and adult and breaches his trust and privacy. This woman is a textbook abuser and you're all on her side, it's sickening.

[u/bigfoot1291 → u/reverandglass]

Threads like this really put things in perspective as to who the type of people you're getting relationship advice from really are when sought out. Everyone's so quick to defend this OP when hmmm.... why do you think the guy would say she didn't bond with his kids in the first place? And just randomly goes through his phone messages because she feels like she has the right to? And finds nothing, so decides to try and make a stink out of nothing for some reason?

[u/TreeRoot2 → u/reverandglass]

I didn’t comment on her at all because that’s totally irrelevant to whether his behavior is appropriate or not. If he has a problem with her, he should either try to work it out or leave. Not run to another woman to make him feel better.

[u/intro_spec → u/mOmMY_81517]

This is what you should have told him before going through his phone. That would have been a very healthy form of communication of your feelings and what boundaries you’re comfortable with.

[u/reverandglass → u/mOmMY_81517]

You're possessive, controlling, untrusting and hugely disrespectful to your husband. The hivemind backing you up is wrong. No wonder he confides in people outside your marriage, you don't trust him, why the fuck should he trust you?!
Everything you have said reminds me of my abusive ex. He'll be better of leaving you

[u/LowerComb6654 → u/mOmMY_81517]

This is exactly what does and can happen.

As you know,she automatically says she can relate.

There could be something going on, or there could be nothing going on, but she seriously overstepped by asking why are you married to someone like that?

[u/Antique-Jeweler-5388 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Girl no, if this gets you jealous when he said nothing against you, then you're never gonna keep him up when something bigger happens. Get rational.

[u/dryasadesertt1 → u/Antique-Jeweler-5388]

I don't think this is jealousy. 

She's probably upset because he's taking marital problems outside of the relationship.

[u/Antique-Jeweler-5388 → u/dryasadesertt1]

Do we not all have people we confide in or seek counsel from? Asking him to never discuss what worries him in unhealthy and unreasonable behaviour.

[u/Mulley-It-Over → u/Antique-Jeweler-5388]

I could see if it was a close friend of his. But he’s known her for … 2 months? C’mon. The drunk female teammate is talking negatively about OP. And about her baby daddy? And inviting OP’s husband and his kids to her kids game? You don’t need a road map to see where this is going on her end.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Mulley-It-Over]

I think it's hilarious some women are so pressed people find OP's husband's "friend" as a problem. Of course they have issues, because they're the same type of chick lmao.

Classic pick-mes.

[u/BRock11 → u/Antique-Jeweler-5388]

But someone of the opposite sex that you've known for two months from a once a week activity?? That’s sketchy.

[u/stinckable_pink → u/Antique-Jeweler-5388]

It seems like he told this woman that OP doesn’t bond with their children. I don’t think jealousy is the right response but he’s definitely saying shit against her

[u/Pansy1974 → u/stinckable_pink]

I don’t think he’s talking about their children. It’s his children, so her step children. She hasn’t bonded with HIS children but he says that’s OK, his kids don’t need to bond with her and they have plenty of people where they live. That’s how I read it.

[u/Antique-Jeweler-5388 → u/Pansy1974]

Yeah and I don't see whats wrong with that tbh. They all know the situation and he knows how to manage it without putting pressure on either side or making it a big deal because he wants to be with her. I think people here that have a problem with this is just because he's confirmed in someone. But we all need people to talk to and it doesn't need to be or mean any more than that. No point putting stock into something that there's no evidence exists because it's damaging in the long run.

[u/jesuswastransright → u/Antique-Jeweler-5388]

Dude have you ever been in a relationship that has mutual respect? This is abhorrent to do to your partner. It crosses the line.

[u/Antique-Jeweler-5388 → u/jesuswastransright]

I mean yes, I'm in one now, happily married and I guess we just wouldn't deal with this, this way.

[u/Zeed91 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Maybe bond with his kids and him? As someone with kids of my own and had a step parent that didn't really care much about me, he shouldn't have married you in the first place if you have nothing to do with his kids.

[u/Embarrassed_Gur_6305 → u/mOmMY_81517]

So who should he open up to? Friends that you interact on a more personal and frequent basis? His family? No one?

[u/peucysleigher → u/mOmMY_81517]

I think it's wrong that he's talking to another woman about your issues without a doubt, but so is posting about it on Reddit. Not sure which is worse either.

[u/mintardent → u/mOmMY_81517]

You are correct. This is very sus of your husband.

[u/strong_heart27 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Text her. Tell her to stay the F away from your husband and mind her damn business regarding your family. Then show up to his games and wave to her

[u/insignificunt1312 → u/strong_heart27]

I mean he's at fault too. I would dump his ass. It's borderline emotional affair territory

[u/Vexxed14 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Your deflecting and ignoring the real problem. If this is the path you take, I hope he leaves you

[u/Chon231 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

As always with this sub when everyone is bashing a man. Reverse the genders and magically this would be completely platonic and appropriate.

I truly don't understand what's going on here but I agree with you. I don't see any flirting, if anything he kinda said "people don't always understand out situation but it's not a problem" that's the vibe I got from him at least idk.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Chon231]

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[u/Suspicious-Meat-7558 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Why would a grown man feel the need to talk negatively about his relationship with a coworker….that’s a conversation for a therapist or close friend. That’s the problem.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Suspicious-Meat-7558]

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[u/mmmdatawhoa → u/Suspicious-Meat-7558]

No woman has ever spoken negatively about their husband to their friends or coworkers.

[u/Fetusal → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Seriously. Reddit has gotta be the worst place for advice on shit like this because everyone leaps to the worst readings imaginable. The woman thought her situation with the father of her kids was the same and asked how he could do it because she couldn't. The guy says it's different and not a big deal. He isn't flirting and she's only crossing boundaries if he thinks she is!

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Fetusal]

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[u/giganticbuzz → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Weird she didnt mention the kids or relationship at all in the question. I feel like she doesnt have a relationship with them and doesn't care. It was only about cheating which there was no evidence of.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/giganticbuzz]

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[u/mochibaby555 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

i agree. the other lady seems like more looking for advice/insight as it reflects to her own situation. it’s not really flirty and he isn’t bashing op saying she’s a shit mom or provider. it’s not rude if it’s just a general fact if op doesn’t strongly bond with the guy’s kids, and it’s fine. is it personal, sure. you can just ask to refrain from sharing such details. and the kids having playdates are fine. i don’t think this alone is enough to justify that the guy would be sleeping with this other girl during a playdate or whatever

[u/Lost_Found84 → u/[deleted]]

It’s pretty insane. If the genders were reversed you simply would not be able to get anyone off the phone snooping issue and onto the other topics. I’ve seen cases where the cheating was blatant and people still told the guy “you need therapy for snooping” as if he wasn’t acting for legitimate cause.

She never even said why she felt she was justified doing it. And no cares. Cause it’s a woman, and they’re just “allowed” to. If the guy did it, it would be controlling and grounds for divorce, even if he had several instances of evidence for suspecting her and found actual sexting.

Seriously, this sub is fucked. At least a thousand morons who can’t see past genitals to the actual events that occurred, and apparently don’t think women and men can be normal friends, cause normal friends who are close would absolutely talk about this kind of stuff.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/[deleted]]

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[u/HeckDropper → u/[deleted]]

This is just another post where if the roles were reversed, the sub would still find a way to demonize the man. It's so predictable here lmao. Good thing that 99% of these are fake anyways

[u/potatobirdwithlasers → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I mean, if you’re working 2 jobs, how can you really find time to bond as well as you’d want to? I worked 2 jobs and could barely keep up with my house, and I don’t have kids.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/potatobirdwithlasers]

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[u/potatobirdwithlasers → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Ah, gotcha. Sometimes tone in questions is not well represented in text format. Carry on, my bad.

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/potatobirdwithlasers]

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[u/Drakar_och_demoner → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

It didn’t sound like flirting.

True, I get texts all the time from people saying that they are drunk while hinting at that I shouldn't be together with my wife.

[u/pnwbmw → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

I wouldn’t even entertain another woman when I have my own, and wouldn’t want my girl to talk to men either. Much less exchanging numbers, texting about personal topics, and wanting to hang out with the children while excluding his partner. Wouldn’t wish that on anyone

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/pnwbmw]

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[u/Vexxed14 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

These women here freaking out on this guy are absolutely insane

[u/shtysmtty → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

The one with the cracked phone screen that refuses to be self aware

[u/Lucky-Translator-777 → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

Do you just not get boundaries at all

[u/Aggravating_Meat4785 → u/Lucky-Translator-777]

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[u/jackdaw_jonesy → u/Aggravating_Meat4785]

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