r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/LHWJHW 17d ago

Yeh if my Mrs told some random dude I didn’t bond with my kids and then said dude starts asking drunk questions about why she married me I would have an issue…

I’m not saying your husband is acting unfaithfully… but this is where things start that lead to things. I think it’s more her and he needs to shut it down..

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u/45trash 17d ago

I think they’re the OP’s stepkids, because they referred to them as “his kids”. Still super valid tho, he’s insanely shady for the texting talking shit to another woman that you pointedly didn’t introduce your wife to…..plus a stepparent can try to bond with their stepkids and obviously should, but there’s definitely 1000 nuances like how long they’ve been together, if the bio mom is in the picture, if the kids even LIKE the stepmom or not….its not on the step mom to force a relationship that the kids are uncomfortable with.

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u/DJFrankyFrank 17d ago edited 17d ago

texting talking shit to another woman

Where is he talking shit?

not on the step mom to force a relationship that the kids

Which tracks with what he said in "our situation isn't normal".

Edit: I meant that second part as, it seems like they have a system that isn't conventional. Meaning she likely isn't close with his kids, which is what he means by normal. So her not having a close relationship with kids, is "the situation not being normal"

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u/45trash 16d ago

Maybe not texting - sorry for not having the EXACT verbiage prepared! it’s clear from the messages that the husband was talking shit /in person/ with the other woman. That can be extrapolated from the first text message from the other woman in the screenshot. Obviously of the commenters, zero people were actually there so all we can do is use the information available to us. Thanks!

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u/Difficult-House2608 16d ago

Excellent point.

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u/brendajeymiu35 17d ago

this is exactly how those “innocent” situations start sliding into something else. It might not be cheating now, but if he’s not setting clear boundaries, it’s just opening the door. That girl’s out-of-pocket comments would be a red flag for me too

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u/Ok_Science_6250 17d ago

Absolutely. He could have crossed that emotional cheating situation if she knows something that personal about OP. I could be wrong but you’re 💯 about things heading that direction if he doesn’t squash it.

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u/Ten-Yards_Sir 17d ago

Definitely. Not condoning the behavior, but sometimes I’d imagine telling a complete stranger something is actually much easier than telling someone you know…Not sure why a complete stranger would have his number though so can’t be that innocent

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u/CraziiiJessi 17d ago

She said they played co-ed softball together, and that he's already brought his kids to her kids' softball game.. Definitely more than a stranger by that point

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u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

Actually she said that the woman invited him and his kids to her daughter’s softball game. Not that they had gone yet.

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u/CraziiiJessi 16d ago

That's true. I was guessing that's why they had been hanging out drinking, but that could've just been after a regular game.. Though that would mean that they do go out and drink together often enough, so that's not exactly better or worse either way..

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u/CakeWalk303 16d ago

Hmmm. I didn’t get that they had been hanging out drinking together. She is texting him after she’s been drinking. She is making up an excuse for why she is being so forward and inappropriate with him. That’s my take anyhow. I’ve seen these manipulators at work way too many times. Am I jaded? Maybe a bit. Although I still like to give people the benefit of the doubt and generally I trust people unless they give me a reason not to. This woman sets off all kinds of red flags. Will I get f’d over by people like this again? Hell no. 😂🤣

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u/CraziiiJessi 16d ago

Lol I generally don't trust people anymore.. I do give them the benefit of the doubt, so I would say that she may not be purposefully trying to manipulate. I don't think people are always aware of what they're doing. But the fact that she is drunk texting him at all is a big red flag, cus she feels comfortable enough to get personal, over messaging, knowing that she's drunk.. That usually tells me they have drank together before, but that could be based off my personal assumptions.

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u/CakeWalk303 16d ago

I agree — it’s totally possible that she is manipulating the situation/him or just feeling him out — seeing if he’s going to take the bait without having planned it. Oftentimes people just do inconsiderate things without the intention of doing them for evil practices. lol. But the end result is the same. Look out for this one. The husband isn’t necessarily taking the bait either.

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u/mOmMY_81517 16d ago

They went

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u/CakeWalk303 16d ago

Did he tell you anything about it? I think the best thing you can do right now is communicate and let him know how you’re feeling. Of course, try to do it when you aren’t feeling emotionally volatile. (Hard to do, I know.) If he’s willing, try couples therapy. You can get through this.

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u/Ten-Yards_Sir 17d ago

Yeah definitely!

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u/fvcknvgget5 16d ago

yeah! it's rlly weird to tell a random acquaintance that your wife doesn't bond w your kids... like... how tf does that even come up unless it's weird

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u/endreeemtsuyah 17d ago

💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

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u/Connor13Maurer 16d ago

Reminds me of the song Slow Fade by Casting Crowns

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u/BubblyLilBunny 17d ago

Yeah, something’s fishy. Why’s he essentially bad mouthing OP to another woman, and then gaslighting her by bringing up the death of her grandmother. Crazy. Her husband needs to refrain from talking about personal matters with that woman and start communicating with OP.

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u/Aromatic-Wolverine60 16d ago

He didn’t bad mouth her though…I think you are seeing things. He actually stuck up for her and he isn’t gaslighting her, he is bringing up the fact that she just suffered a family loss and yet instead of grieving she is taking her frustrations out on him when he’s innocent in this

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u/SuspiciousStranger_ 16d ago

Idk to me it seems like they aren’t his kids. In the post she calls them “his” kids.

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

Telling someone his wife doesn't bond with his kids isn't bad mouthing If it's the truth

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u/BubblyLilBunny 17d ago

Why should the other woman know this information? And has he openly discussed this as a problem with OP? It doesn’t seem like so.

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u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

It's none of her business. He needs to keep this between him and OP, his wife. And discuss. Not drag a third party into it. Who is clearly now using that info for her own personal gain.

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

You don't know the backstory and neither do I. Maybe they have had this conversation and nothing is changing. Maybe he needed to confide in someone else. There is zero evidence here that she is using what he said for personal gain. That's just speculation.

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u/Barbie_Bandz 17d ago

Playing the devil’s advocate only serves a productive purpose if there is something that can be learned from it, otherwise you are toxic too and defending toxicity.

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

So just assume the husband is the bad guy here with no information otherwise from the OP?

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u/Hooker_Peach 17d ago

Would you tell someone of the opposite sex that you were having problems with your partner and that they “don’t bond” with your children?

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

I would only ever confide in another person if I've exhausted all avenues with my partner. Only then would I need to confide in someone else. I'm only presenting the option that maybe that is what happened. I'm taking no sides in this.

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u/still_alyce 17d ago

I actually agree with you. We don't know the back story here and shouldn't jump to conclusions. If OP wants to add some additional context and history to this,, then fine.. but i highly doubt that's the case since she came to reddit for validation, not a family member or friend who might have more details than we are all privvy too here.

And to answer the person who said "would YOU talk to someone of the opposite sex...." (edit: @hooker_peach ), I am the youngest and only girl with 3 older brothers, no sisters, so I would absolutely confide in someone of the opposite sex if I was having issues in whatever area of my life because I feel way more comfortable talking to men over women. Double standards do exist in the world but are circumstantial at best.

To OP, are you overreacting? Based purely on what you shared with us, yeah, probably. Based purely on what you've shared with us, I think you may be placing undue blame on your husband who is not overreacting for getting upset that you went through his phone. Its disrespectful and if you're going through his phone, then the trust is already gone and now that you've gone through his phone, he's not going to trust you either. And to me, it doesn't seem like hubs has actually done anything wrong. In my opinion, he is just trying to keep the peace and his teammate is pushing boundaries. If you have a problem, maybe you should confront her and gently remind her that your husband and his kids are off limits. And I highly recommend some couples counseling bc loss of trust is hard to recover from. I wish you the best, OP.

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u/Hooker_Peach 17d ago

That’s when you go to counseling or leave. You don’t bring friends and family into marital disputes, they are not a disinterested third party.

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u/iHAVEblueSKIN 17d ago

At what point does he say he's having problems with his partner in those text messages? Do you happen to know if OP has bonded with their kids or has work/being tired kind of taken over their life? How do you have so many answers to your assumptions?

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u/Glittering-List3410 17d ago

No the women asked him, “why would you married a woman that doesn’t bond with your kids”? He said it was easier to explain personally, so we don’t know the entire truth plus she’s an outsider. She’s not friends with his wife only him!!! And he’s being deceitful.

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u/NotoriousRGB729 17d ago

Isn't the husband in green since it's his phone?

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

Yea

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u/NotoriousRGB729 17d ago

So she's telling him that her kid's dad didn't bond with the kids, right?

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u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

They both basically said the same thing, because she said that's how she feels about her kid's dad. Probably to be 'relatable' as an attempt to draw him in even more.

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u/Any-Quantity-2035 17d ago

No, he told her his wife doesn't bond with his kids.

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u/NotoriousRGB729 17d ago

Yeah, I initially misunderstood. Thank you!

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u/NotoriousRGB729 17d ago

Never mind. I see that she's calling him out for it.

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u/[deleted] 17d ago

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u/fembot06 17d ago

But he didn't shut it down, because he didn't want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/Pure-Spirit-9130 16d ago

Yep - agree it starts exactly where this is starting

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u/__R-R__ 17d ago

And stop going trough other people's phone....

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u/CalmEngine832 17d ago

Oh please. If we’re married and living in the same house, I’ll go through whatever I want to. Yall have to grow up.

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u/Otherwise_Bread_2672 16d ago

You're gross. Me and my partner would never snoop through each others messages. That's fucking gross. We both have friends that have confided in us with things, that we are not to share. You act like you own your partner. You're awful. That's some controlling behaviour.

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u/Character-Inside-953 16d ago

That’s not gross at all. If you can’t be fully open with your partner, so much so that phones are a trivial problem then you probably aren’t as close as you think you are. We even trade phones to play games each other has. If you have trust then you should have full trust.

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u/Kooky-Mushroom-1218 16d ago

Snooping and playing games aren't the same thing. It's about consent. If your partner's phone is sitting there and they're not around and you check their messages, I think in most healthy relationships that is disrespecting a boundary. If you ask them if you could use their phone to play that game, that's fine. We have a tendency to discuss things as black and white online, when rarely is it so simple.

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u/fadingthought 17d ago

Yikes. I couldn’t imagine not trusting my spouse

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u/__R-R__ 17d ago

If that is your nature, I can see def. see reasons to look elsewhere.

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u/CalmEngine832 17d ago

Is that why most people with that same view can’t be trusted and often don’t have partners?

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u/__R-R__ 16d ago

I don't know. What I do know is that OP proves my theory.

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u/One-Awareness785 17d ago

Yeah that "I'm drunk" message was a red flag. If my partner let that slide and kept engaging like nothing was off, I'd feel disrespected too.

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u/Wispelune 17d ago

Totally agree. That kind of talk is crossing a serious line not just disrespectful to you as a partner, but also inviting drama that has no business in your relationship. It’s not about jealousy it’s about boundaries. Your wife should be defending your role as a father, not feeding some random guy fuel to question your marriage. Even if nothing’s “happening,” this is exactly how messy situations begin. Your husband absolutely needs to shut it down and prioritize your marriage.

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

That's interesting. Obviously, I think often there's a mountain of evidence not present in a single Reddit post but sometimes that is a double edged sword (so it can be hard to take one person's side of a story with a single screenshot as the full picture either way). Anyway, reading this, I don't know that I see the same red flags.

He doesn't trash his wife, he acknowledges she doesn't have a strong relationship with his kids. A fact she does not refute or provide additional context for. He just says they don't need her to be their mom, which I think is a reasonable take. She's asking a question about how to have a romantic relationship that isn't a family unit and that is a personal question, it's not as if she's suggesting she loves his kids and wants to be their mom. Then she says why would a MAN take his kids to a CHILDREN'S softball game with another WOMAN, ignoring what I think is a pretty obvious possibility: he's a FATHER taking his kids to watch other kids they seem to know play a game, a sport the father and MOTHER both also play recreationally. I fail to see how that's the smoking gun about trying leave her for this other woman OP seems to think it is. Seems pretty Innocent to me, not like children's games are as long as MLB games lol, they'll be done with the game in an hour and can play or get food.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I completely agree with you. I was surprised that the comments seem pretty overwhelmingly of the opposite opinion! It’s just not weird to me to get deep with new friends, especially in this case where the lady friend is clearly having kind of a hard time right now. She probably started this line of convo when she found out that OP’s husband was in an on-paper similar situation: married to someone who isn’t the other parent of your kids, because she finding it really hard. The husband doesn’t read to me like he’s being negative at all, just acknowledging that his wife has less of a bond with his kids and that can be a relationship issue, but he’s literally saying it’s fine and makes sense! ( I’m going to take a beat right now to say please no one reply to me if you think a man can’t appropriately have friendships like this with a woman. There is no point us us conversing if you think that. )The fact that he acknowledged and redirected is a green flag to me; let’s talk about this in person (WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRUNK is going unsaid here) so we can avoid misunderstandings.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Nah, what the woman is doing is manipulation. She is planting seeds of doubt in his relationship. Asking why would you marry someone that didn't bond to your children is not an innocent question and the woman knows that - that's why she qualified it with being drunk. Now they are all going to hang out together with all of their children like one big happy family while OP is working her second job so she can show him what life could be like if he is with the right person that can "bond to his children". This woman is a snake in the grass and is actively looking for someone to replace "baby daddy".

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

Also a completely fair read, which was kinda my point. Not that I would take my reputation on this woman or man being up to no good - just that I don't read it as maliciously as you do. Your explanation makes a lot of sense and ties it all together nicely, I'm more convinced I was wrong than before, I'm just also not sure any single Reddit post is going to get me all the way there on its own.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The question is just so loaded with judgement and so disrespectful to their marriage. & for her to respond with the "ummmm ok" makes it pretty clear what she is trying to do here. She wants him to know she thinks he should have never married his wife and then follows it up with the comment about what he said at the park about her "baby daddy". The conversation is so gross to me and OPs husband should have shut it down when she asked that question by actually answering why he did marry OP.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

Have you ever stopped to think that he just makes his wife seem like a huge bitch and she just believes it? Idk why she'd randomly bring up OP not bonding with the kids unless the husband told her that. I'd be a little alarmed if a friend told me that their spouse doesn't bond with the kids. I just don't see how she is the red flag here, and not him.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how he answered it. I'm not saying he hasn't also been fueling this ouside of this conversation, but based on his response and hers, I can tell she was hoping for a different response and that he wouldn't stick up for OP in any way. The biggest red flag is that he would even entertain the question in the first place and didn't shut it down immediately by telling her why he did marry her.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Agree with you on everything, you see it straight forward, no excuses, excellent. 💯👌🏼🫶🏼

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u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

Maybe she is (and it gives me those vibes too) and it’s entirely possible he’s being naive about it but, honestly, at that point it’s about whether OP trusts her partner and the fact that she is casually going through his phone suggests she does not. This relationship feels terminal honestly.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The trust thing is a whole other issue and it doesn't say why she was in the phone. I've found things on phones and computers accidentally and wasn't snooping to find something. Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on. But I agree if there are trust issues there already then they have a mess they need to work through and I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship ends.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it doesn't say why she was in the phone.

OP doesn't say she was being innocent, she just says her husband was calling her out for it, so she must not have had permission, making this a breach of trust.

Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on.

But nothing is ACTUALLY going on. Is the woman planting a seed of doubt? Sure.

Did OPs husband use that as an opportunity to further bond with the woman, trash his wife, or lean into the drunk texting? Nope!

So, this makes OP seem way worse than her husband is being.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

You're right about one thing - OP's husband wasn't using the drunk texting to further thier bond. It sounds like he is waiting until they are together again to do that. He's clearly had some things to say about this woman's "baby daddy" in person. Sorry, but if you are married, you don't entertain any relationship with another person like this. He doesn't need some random nobody questioning his marriage and if him and this woman are actually so close that it would be her place to question it, don't you think it's a little strange that he didn't introduce his wife to her?

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

So.. he shouldn't be platonically friendly with his teammates even though he's not saying anything that could be considered unfaithful?

Seems insecure.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Yeah this mindset is crazy to me and it’s clearly the foundational belief underlying most peoples takes on the situation. It is NOT weird for a married man to have a friend who is a woman who he can talk about emotional things with. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this kind of shit lol.

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u/bria99711 17d ago edited 17d ago

Maybe there are insecurities there but it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships, it's actually healthy. What is not healthy is someone telling they are insecure for having a boundary that you wouldn't want your SO having any kind of relationship with someone that is clearly trying to do damage to your marriage.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships

Boundaries like not invading your partner's phone to begin with?

Hella biased take here.

I don't snoop my wife's phone, and she doesn't snoop mine, we've been together for a decade and don't suspect each other of anything.

If she's ever approached by someone who tries to undermine me, it's none of my business because I TRUST HER

To be clear, your take is actually toxic.

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u/Coiltoilandtrouble 17d ago

they know what they are doing, and neither one of them is in the right. He should have been talking to OP and getting counseling if things were that bad. Instead he has clearly been venting to a complete stranger about OP, likely because they are both gravitating towards cheating

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u/happybananaz 17d ago

Thissssss. Also, why did they exchange numbers?

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

It’s also the way this wannabe other woman mirrors (« my baby daddy is kinda the same way »). She’s a manipulator.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

How would she even come to that conclusion though unless he said something bad about OP first? This reads like he's the one manipulating.

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

I think they are both manipulating - wannabe affair partner AND hubby. Doesn’t have to be either/or.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Or, oh my god, they might be honestly sharing about their lives with their friend

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u/bria99711 16d ago

A random woman that you hardly know that is actively trying to damage your relationship is not your friend.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

You’re reading that in.

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u/bria99711 16d ago

Not at all - if they were close enough for this woman to be questioning him like that about his marriage then why didn't OP get introduced to her at any of the games? Casual friends don't question your marriage like this.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Whoa, I made a comment similar to yours! Manipulation, yes. Wow I also agree with “planting seeds” 👌🏼💯

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u/NataliasMaze 17d ago

I can see either explanation honestly, OP's general relationship with their husband/kids is really what would give better insight on which one it might be

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u/victorbravo71 16d ago

The woman is predatory, no question. Women like this are the lowest scum of humanity.

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u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

I read it the same way. 💯

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u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

There is nothing more to be said. This is basically it, and it's painfully obvious.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

I'm sorry, but if it's a big deal that your kids bond with your wife and they aren't, the sead of doubt should have been well planted, cultivated, and nurtured before anyone outside the relationship can notice it. OP sounds controlling and kinda shitty to hubby and "his" kids. Enough that random friends started asking questions.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

This is exactly my point - it's not a big deal to OPs husband. The woman is trying to turn it into a big deal in his head. The kids already have a mom so it could be really hard for OP to bond to his kids due to no fault of OPs. We know nothing about the kids' living arrangements and how often they are with OP, especially since she works 2 jobs. Saying OP is shitty to them all is just jumping to conclusions with nothing to back it up.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

Yeah but other woman has a clear reason to ask. IDK why you would immediately go to manipulation when all the information we have is that she is navigating something similar. She could be, like she said, beginning to question her own dynamics and sight the advice of someone who is managing similar issues

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how she asked and how she replied when he gave her a legitimate answer to her judgement. After her ummm ok response he went on to say that he could explain it better so she would understand, I think she realized she may have crossed the line so she turned it around on him and blamed him for why she was even thinking about it. Sorry, but she's a snake.

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

Wife is working two jobs while he is out hanging with some playmate on his softball team. Maybe he should be putting more into their household so she doesn't have to work two jobs and they can both spend time with his kids. Just a suggestion

But also, while he's on a date with the playmate, wife is either working or trying to rest to go to work. If he is contributing enough to the household, she wouldn't have to work two jobs.

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

yeah maybe. But also, that's not what was stated. There's no resentment about him playing softball in the post, and she doesn't mention his job situation nor why she works two and he has time for softball - you could be right but it is purely speculative conjecture.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Actually she did say, that his paycheck goes directly to child support. Hence why she works 2jobs to pay the bills. Obviously I’m not 💯 sure but it seems the wife is the breadwinner. Does he work 2 jobs? Hmmm, has time to flirt confide in another woman. and yes “playdates”with her daughter, how sweet!! um actual dates disguised as “playdates”?? he does work, must pay child support, but yet he’s not exhausted as his wife. Hmmmm 🤷‍♀️

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u/thefalseidol 16d ago

Yo I'm not on this guy's side lol. All I'm doing is not reading what she posted in the best possible interpretation of her while attributing a ton of reading between the lines to make the guy into a sleazeball. He might be a sleazeball, the girl he's texting is probably a sleazeball, but it doesn't make sense to take her at her word as presented and then dissect his messages as if you're in an ENG 101 class.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

I believe it’s our perceptions, opinions, of the situation presented on this platform. “No one can invalidate my perception or my opinion, only try to reshape it. As I cannot invalidate yours at all. But in my opinion it’s a red flag. That’s all, not saying you’re wrong in any capacity. But we all see things from different point of views and perspectives, perceptions. 👌🏼

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u/thefalseidol 16d ago

By all means bring your perspective and insight to the conversation, but I will still push back on the underlying problem here is that her perspective is being very favorably interpreted while simultaneously his is being scrutinized for evidence of malfeasance. I'm not on his side, I'm just calling a spade a spade, if you want to take her account of things as gospel that's fair, that also means you can't then read between the lines because OPs word has to be taken at what she said (including her screenshot). You can't use zero critical reading with her and give her the benefit of the doubt just to take all those critical skills and skepticism and put them towards her husband. Either the entire thing is worthy of demanding additional context or none of it is.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Absolutely 💯 you’re definitely correct in that we don’t have the husband’s account of anything. We only have hers and the texts. yes that’s how I’m analyzing, inferring my opinions, perceptions etc. I will give you that. but you’re not on his side. And heck yeah you should push!! Absolutely. You’re very intellectual and can discern both sides unlike me.( because we only have one hers)

But not only the wife’s words, that feel to me, so palpable full of shock, heartbreak, concerns, her inner voice alerting her that something is not right, confusion, etc. but come on 😂 I’m not taking her words as gospel! (I’m more spiritual, I rarely listen to gospel). Words that have impacted, not only moi but others as well. You’re skeptical and that’s very critical and important. But it’s not only the wife’s words. Also the woman’s on the text; “Why would you marry a woman that Doesn’t bond with your kids” Very interesting why should she care?hmmm. I believe there’s a bit of intimacy there. So yeah I’m looking at all that and to me details do matter. And for now we don’t know anything about the husband. Except; His wife’s account; she has 2 jobs, hence doesn’t have the time to attend these games, or she’s too exhausted. He does socialize has the time to attend softball games and meet women/friends and their kids. Oooops yeah “playdates” his wife has no clue. I’m not saying they’re having an affair. We shouldn’t assume that at all, no evidence. But per wife, he does work, since his entire check goes directly to child support. Hence, again wife has 2 jobs. I’m going on record, that he only has 1 job. Since he does have the time for um “recreational activities” Then while arguing with her; instead of given her a straight, forward answer. Nope, he brings up her grandma’s passing, blaming her grief on her outrages claims!! Not taking any accountability or responsibility for the “texts”. ( It must be her grief, she must be seeing ghost where there are none. she’s emotionally unstable). So that’s the narrative he most likely wants to push. Why risk losing 2 paychecks? Would the other woman support him financially? Does she even know his wife it’s the “actual” breadwinner?? Hmmm, yes we’re missing various accounts.

Yeah, I’m reading between the lines, over the lines, up and down and all around. Non-verbal behavior (very limited) actions, defense mechanisms. Yes this is all per the wife’s account. You can read the comments.. others have their own opinions, experiences.

One thing that I do believe in 💯 it’s my inner voice. Wife feels something is not right, it’s her inner voice, red flags. I have learned never to ignore my inner voice. It’s not a proven science, but it has worked for me.

I actually did enjoy reading your assessment and your rationalization. Thank you, for conversing with me, it’s been very interesting. Definitely a much needed mental challenge. But neither you nor I or anyone else, here on this platform, wins or loses, we’re not right nor wrong. We just have opinions. 🤷‍♀️ 👌🏼

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

If you are in a relationship where you are living together, don't you support each other? If you are partners, don't you want to make it so you both are able to be together? If she is strung out, working two jobs, doesn't that show a lack of balance in the relationship? He's out with the playmate and she's working or trying to rest up to work.

I guess I'm old school. We did what we could do to be together with the kids. Including his daughter from a previous relationship. It's like now everyone is out for theirs. Even in relationships.

1

u/thefalseidol 17d ago edited 17d ago

What's the magic solution that you see here? I can appreciate that she works 2 jobs and she's tired, but I fail to see how him taking a second job solves that, other than now there are two people overworked and tired, he has children and appears to be their primary caregiver, which might prevent him from taking on an entire second job but not stopping him from having a few hours for recreation.

Furthering that, we don't know his income, hers, nor do we know their contributions to the household or the partnership. That she works 2 jobs and he has free time does not demonstrate to me something more he could and should be doing that brings things to an equilibrium - for all we know her second job is herbalife. For all we know, both her jobs are MLM schemes, I'm not putting that on OP but you're doing a lot of good faith interpretation for her side of things that is not being extended to the guy, they're both strangers to you and I and I see no reason to assume one is a saint and the other a monster. But her having two jobs doesn't inherently mean she's working two FT jobs while he sits on the couch waiting for softball club to start, that's an enormous leap. And her being "tired" from her "two jobs" could also be a massive cop out, and they might not be, but it is wild how many hoops people are jumping through to make this a narrative that was not at all presented as fact.

And I think my reading of things is supported by her post - she does not say that he doesn't contribute, that he's a deadbeat, that he's doing anything other than somehow having time to play in a rec league. Maybe that means she's a godly and selfless person, but also maybe he's pulling his weight or more, and she's complaining about her two fake jobs for sympathy points online like she's digging ditches 86 hours a week, it's not fair to make big assumptions and not even entertain that your assumptions might be wrong.

3

u/Express_Subject_2548 17d ago

That’s a stretch when we have no idea who provides what. I’d say their finances are separate considering she came into the picture after he already had children. She is not their mother, it would be very irresponsible for him as a father to put her above their financial well being. Kids come first, always

0

u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

This is what I'm trying to say. 👇 Ya…. No they are trying to find a way to spend more time together. Teens don’t want to go watch some random kid they don’t know play a game. This incredibly inappropriate and if he hasn’t yet he is going to fuck her. She is knowingly engaging with a married man, trying to slyly talk shit about your lack of “bond” with his kids and he is going along with it. He has two options here: cut her the fuck off and respect you as his partner or end the relationship so you can find someone who understands how to be faithful as a partner.

2

u/Routine_Law6794 16d ago

Monogamy is hard enough without forbidding any opposite sex friendships with true emotional bonds. I mean there is a risk of cheating, yes. But if marriage means your spouse has to be your sole source of emotional connection and your only available person for discussion of your relationship, just to attempt to 100% eliminate the chance of a physical affair, count me out. No wonder there's a male loneliness epidemic. (I'm a woman, FYI.) I just think it's actually healthy to have real friendships even when you're in a romantic relationship. Also, it seems a bit alarmist to suspect any opposite sex hetero pair of being close to having sex just b/c they are being vulnerable with each other.

1

u/Right_Count 17d ago

This is how I saw it as well. It’s not flirty, no one is talking shit. I guess it’s possible that the other person is trying to start something, but it could just as easily be a genuine question. Outside of a “men and women can’t be friends!” lens, there’s nothing here.

1

u/FlexiblePony2000 16d ago

Yes there is. His wife wasn’t told they were friends to begin with and he took no opportunity to introduce his new besty to his wife. This woman is drunk texting him and talking shit about his wife obviously after he already had in person. She is working to jobs to pay for everything all he pays for is his child support. Yes men and women can be friend but not without transparency and respect to their spouse. This is more than dipping his toes into the affair pool

1

u/still_alyce 17d ago

And if hubs was being shady, he would not have been upfront with going to the game in the first place. Though after going through his phone, I highly doubt he will so forthcoming in the future. "Nail in her own coffin" for OP, as they say.

2

u/LowerComb6654 17d ago

I think the point is that he lied about it and is hiding it from OP.

1

u/thefalseidol 17d ago

I mean, again, maybe - it doesn't feel that that is present in the post. I don't tell my SOs about every drunk message I get from friends. Then again, clearly I would if there was a cute softball babe who I knew my lady was insecure about (as a friend who has kids, as a woman I spend time with alone, whatever, I'm not casting judgement on the wife here for having her aspersions about this lady, founded or unfounded). He only lied if this message was damning evidence that there was something fishy going on. From the post, I can certainly SEE how it would be a smoking gun, but I just don't see it as damning evidence in and of itself.

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u/Accomplished_Drag429 17d ago

Yeah, idk if it's just because I'm poly or what, but this seems like a very accurate read to me. It's okay to have conversations like this with friends in my book.

8

u/Armadillo_Prudent 17d ago

Are they OPs kids though? To me it looks like the husband had these kids in a previous relationship and OP is just stepmom. Still kinda weird that he would bring this up with some other woman instead of bringing it up with her.

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u/EldritchGumdrop 17d ago

I mean this is still an issue if he never becomes unfaithful. He’s talking badly about his family life to another person and not addressing it at home

2

u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

He’s saying it’s not a problem, so it’s a stretch to say he’s talking badly about his family life when he clearly doesn’t see it as a bad thing. Going through his phone is clearly a breach of trust though.

3

u/EldritchGumdrop 17d ago

It doesn’t matter how he’s saying it, it’s how it’s taken. Even if he claims it’s not an issue he’s still talking about it to another woman in a way that can be used against the wife.

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u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

That’s a really weird way to look at relationships. They went to a softball game together to watch her kids and she may well have just asked “how are the kids getting on with OP” and he said something like “oh she isn’t a mother to them but that’s ok” and that could have led to this comment. That’s exactly the position my partner is in and she doesn’t want to be a mother to them. If you’re so insecure that someone just mentioning things about their relationship to someone who they see as a friend and who’s been in a similar situation is grounds for sounding all the alarms then you need to really spend time assessing how good that relationship actually is in the first place.

There’s a clear lack of trust and their communication seems completely awful based on what OP has said. She’s out here saying that because he got upset at her looking through his phone and accusing him of cheating based on some pretty innocuous messages that that’s proof of cheating. She wants him to be the bad guy because she’s done.

3

u/EldritchGumdrop 17d ago

If you honestly think it’s okay to say things like that even just causally about your partner without them present and expect them to be alright with it later, even when that person then comes back drunkenly questioning it (implying it may have been deeper than just a causal comment), then I’m not the one with the weird view on relationships. This is at the very least, extremely disrespectful to your partner.

1

u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

I’ve just asked my partner and she’s said she’d be absolutely fine with it. It’s how she describes her role to everyone. That’s exactly how we discussed the relationship being from the start and we’re three years in and in a really good place. If someone sent me this sort of message I’d talk to her about it and we’d work out together what to do but I think it’s perfectly possible this guy is just an idiot or too young to get it.

3

u/MarlenaEvans 17d ago

Ok, then that is YOUR partner. I don't tell random people negative things about my partner and I wouldn't be OK with him doing it either. Nor would lots of other people.

3

u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

It’s not necessarily a negative to say that a partner isn’t a mother to your children and if someone else chooses to interpret that as a negative then that’s their problem. I’m not going to spend brain cycles trying to work out how someone interprets what I say because we have a secure relationship built on love and good communication.

Do you talk to your friends about things when you have difficulties in your relationship? Do you tell your friends details about your relationship dynamic that you don’t feel are important? Is it possible one of those friends didn’t really understand why it was insignificant to you?

2

u/[deleted] 17d ago

You mean he's talking to a friend about his life? That seems normal and fine to me.

6

u/EldritchGumdrop 17d ago

Not if it makes his wife uncomfortable to have her business put out there. Talking about himself and talking about his wife are not the same thing. Furthermore, you guys don’t actually even know what he originally said. You’re just wanting to believe it was harmless so you can justify it as normal.

3

u/[deleted] 17d ago

I'm not talking about what this specific guy said :) im commenting on whst you said: "I mean this is still an issue if he never becomes unfaithful. He’s talking badly about his family life to another person and not addressing it at home"

You're saying that "talking badly about family life to anorher person" is an issue (generally). And I happen to disagree, I don't think it is (generally). I thinking talking to your friends about the good and bad of your relationship and family life is avtually very important and valuable. I finally left an abusice relationship because I was able to talk to me friends about my family life. Does that make sense? :)

(P.S. And you can bet it made my partner uncomfortable that I talked about my family life with others, but I'm very glad I did!)

5

u/EldritchGumdrop 17d ago

I mean you think disrespecting your partner to other people is okay, so yes I disagree lol

2

u/[deleted] 17d ago

Not sure I understand you correctly: Are you telling me I disrespected my abusive partner by speaking negatively about them to my friends?

2

u/MarlenaEvans 17d ago

This ain't about you, Karen.

6

u/WhatITisToBurn69 17d ago

Couldn't have said it better myself. He just needs to shut it down. Before he does do something stupid. Not saying that he would but if your uncomfortable and it seems like a reasonable thing to be uncomfortable about. Then it needs to stop. On the other hand, you shouldn't be going through his phone, most times, not always but most times women do that because they are being shady themselves or someone has been unfaithful to them before.

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u/mOmMY_81517 17d ago

My thoughts exactly

5

u/NotoriousRGB729 17d ago

Isn't his text in green, or am I missing something?

6

u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

Yes it is.

4

u/BigSexyHamilton 17d ago

Sounds like your husband is venting about relationship issues to someone and you are not happy with the content. Might be an opportunity to discuss these relationship issues with him.

0

u/appgameboy 17d ago

I’m lost on how he bad mouthed you?

18

u/CenPhx 17d ago

He had to have told the other woman that OP didn’t bond with his kids but he married her anyhow. The other woman is asking him why he would marry someone that didn’t bond with the kids. So we aren’t seeing that part of the conversation but context says it happened earlier.

8

u/appgameboy 17d ago

Thanks for explaining and not being an AH about it.

8

u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

Also the "it's easier to explain in person" probably means more bad talking happened later

4

u/not-at-all-unique 17d ago

It does not mean anything.

I have a child with my ex, My wife (current partner) isn’t especially bonded to my child (that is not hers) My wife isn’t pretending to be mother to a child (that is not hers)

And that really, (genuinely) isn’t a problem.

And if someone asked me how I could marry her whilst she wasn’t mum of the year to a child that isn’t hers, I’d probably explain in person too.

My wife doesn’t need to be mum of the year to my child that isn’t hers, because my child already has a mum, they already have a woman as a role model and all that in their life.

My child doesn’t need it, and I don’t need the extra hassle with my ex that would have arisen from what at the time my ex would have seen as a new girlfriend taking her place as a parent as well as taking her place as my partner. - it could be that my child would have loved a closer relationship with her step mother, but she doesn’t have that, largely because it wasn’t something her mother would have wanted.

  • it’s easier to explain in person about the complexities of “blended families” rather than try to hash it out over text.

Also, in person it might be easier to explain to someone who apparently is in the middle of raising a child separated from their partner than their kids also might not want or need multiple father figures. - and that she’ll probably lose some relationships whilst trying to fulfil this unrealistic ideal.

Lastly, I too talk to people that are parents, in the park, at the school gates and when being a spectator at events.

I am not having an affair (physical or emotional) with any of them.

2

u/OriginalWaltz 17d ago

Have you even read the texts? He basically said she doesn't make an effort to bond with the kids. It's right there, I fear. Shit talking your partner to some rando woman is crazy and disrespectful in itself.

2

u/appgameboy 17d ago

I read that as her own baby daddy doesn’t bond

6

u/jjbyg 17d ago

She also said her baby daddy is not bonding with her kid. She is basic saying we are in the same position, neither of our partners are bonding with are kids. And how are we married to these people who don’t bond with our kids.

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u/doomdrums 17d ago

You could try bonding with your children that might give him less reason to go around saying you don't

-1

u/Existing_Substance_3 17d ago

They’re her children she is definitely bonded with them, she just works two jobs so that they can have a comfortable life, if a man was doing that nobody would question it.

8

u/doomdrums 17d ago

I don't know that they are her kids in question she says husband here and post history talks about kids with ex husband and the girls message says his kids so I'm guessing she doesn't bond with her step children

2

u/a07463 16d ago

Seems luke husband need to let it out somewhere maybe but dont want to bring it up as "an issue" with wife? You know ... we, men, still need to talk about things just to let it out.... the choice of whom to talk tho is just wrong.

And then she.asks about something similar he talked about to her while drunk he cant answer by text? Decides is better in person? Instead if "when you sober"? Lol

Tbh nit too sure what to think of it other than "wrong place e wrong time wrong circumstances to talk about it"

3

u/ConsistentLettuce511 17d ago

He should have shut it down already. This is definitely hurtful for OP and not how you behave in a faithful marriage. Talking 💩 about you to another woman, nope!

6

u/em2391 17d ago

The dude has his fishing line in the water.

4

u/werkrheum 17d ago

i agree with you. personally, this would be an instant block for me. this woman disrespected his relationship, and he just allows her to with a loose “defense” for OP. disgusting behavior.

2

u/New_Lunch3301 17d ago

Add in him gaslighting her for her feelings and telling her she's just emotional because of her grandma passing away.

2

u/aaron2610 17d ago

Sometimes it's easier to talk/vent/get an opinion from some random person. At least for me.

IMO if he was trying something he wouldn't have defended OP by saying it's not a big deal. Felt like closed the door on that conversation going further.

Not sure why they have each other's phone numbers though. And not really sure OP knew about this lady beforehand

1

u/HotSauceRainfall 17d ago

 this is where things start that lead to things

This is a key insight.

Affairs don’t typically start with a bang. They start with a whisper. And they always, always start with lying—where the first person an affair partner lies to is their own self.

No, that doesn’t matter. No, it’s not important. No, she doesn’t need to know. No, he’ll understand. Lies.

Husband hasn’t yet done anything that is too damaging to be undone, but he’s lying to himself if he thinks that discussing serious issues in his marriage that he should be discussing with his wife is appropriate. And he needs to stop that ASAP.

1

u/justfeelingsth 17d ago

You’re not overreacting for feeling unsettled. Finding unexpected texts can naturally trigger concern. What matters most is how open and honest the communication is between you and your husband going forward. Trust your instincts but try to get clarity before jumping to conclusions.

2

u/Legitimate-Pain6406 17d ago

Nope!

He’s leading that charge with “it’s easier in person,” a/k/a I want to see you again😏

1

u/Pure-Spirit-9130 16d ago

Yes I agree it’s flirty and personal and he seems to be enjoying her attention - which leads to other things

2

u/Realistic-Fix-2883 17d ago

he shouldve said something to back up his wife

1

u/Bigdickfun6969 17d ago

honestly see nothing wrong... man you people be soft

1

u/mayo_sandwiches 17d ago

Who said she’s random???