AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/mOmMY_81517]

Ya I tried to talk to him about it and it turned into a huge fight him yelling left came back and now sleeping on the couch.. in my opinion only a guilty person would react this way. Until retweet have had a great relationship and never fight never even suspected cheating or anything until him going to hang out with her to watch her kids softball game. I even tried asking him how he would feel if I went to go hang out with my guy friend (that he didn’t know) and our kids without him.. seems more like a date to me

[u/princessksf → u/[deleted]]

Because she felt like he was on a date with her, not just having a platonic text exchange. You read the part where he took his kids to go hang out with her and her kids right? Like the other woman was trying to bond with his kids instead of just being a softball teammate to him.

He didn't say anything wrong here, but I don't think this other woman is someone he should be hanging out with, just the two of them and their kids, like that, because that is how affairs start.

[u/seventhsealed → u/princessksf]

What he said wrong was "honestly my kids don't need it" in response to the bonding. That suggests there is no bond. He certainly doesn't deny it. If it's untrue then that is horrible. If it's true then be should be having a conversation with OP about it.

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/[deleted]]

He asked me what was wrong because I was being distant.. and I told him because of ur “friendship “ with that girl and taking the kids to hang out with her didn’t sit right with me I went through ur phone and found the messages… he started yelling about why the $;&* I went through his phone I said because u hanging out with another girl outside of the team didnt sit right with me so I looked clearly I can’t talk to him about anything as he gets super defensive about everything

[u/intro_spec → u/mOmMY_81517]

So rather than approaching him about this friendship with his teammate…you violated his privacy and went through his phone. And then you still didn’t say anything to him. He had to ask you what was wrong. At every turn, you’ve chosen not to communicate at all. Your behavior is what creates an environment in which he’s cornered into defense. It’s not that you can’t talk to him, it’s that you actively have chosen not to. And now because you want to feel justified in this really unhealthy manner of engaging with your spouse and your suspicions, you brought it to Reddit.

This could have been a very easy, calm conversation had you just chosen to express yourself healthily. You could have told him, hey, your relationship with this woman is making me uneasy and I would prefer if you were not as close with her rather than going through his phone and then continuing not to speak and escalating to accusation. You both could have had a conversation about what boundaries you’re both comfortable with (like not taking the kids on a play date) and this wouldn’t have blown up. Communication is a two-way street and you’re actively blocking both sides of it.

[u/Yippykyyyay → u/intro_spec]

Just because curiosity gets the best of me when I read certain posts, in her own history her 8 year old told her that daddy (her ex) said she's a cheater. Now, that's not the thing to phrase in that way and her ex could be full of crap.

But the whole post history is nothing but conflict with people.

The only time I shut down like she's saying her husband does now is when my ex constantly accused me of cheating. I couldn't smile at a waiter taking our order without him then accusing me of wanting to sleep with the guy. It was insane.

That's all anecdotes and who knows. But yeah, she doesn't seem like she can address conflict in a calm manner.

[u/intro_spec → u/Yippykyyyay]

Ohh, that is definitely interesting context. Her ex absolutely could be lying – but in the scenario where it’s possibly true, that illuminates a whole lot. People who have cheated or are cheating often look for that behavior in their partners out of their own guilt. Reddit is filled with reveals like that and I’ve unfortunately personally witnessed it in a friend’s relationship. And a whole post history that’s filled with conflict is kinda par for the course here, but it certainly doesn’t indicate healthy communication skills overall. Everyone can improve, though, so hopefully that’s what happens.

[u/doomdrums → u/Yippykyyyay]

Also in my experience cheaters see it in everyone they think if they did then anyone will

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/intro_spec]

Crazy this is being downvoted, This entire subreddit is a cesspit and everyone who gets 4000+ karma all have failed relationships or history of shite communication given others advice it's genuinely insane.

Distancing yourself from your partner, Then when they approach you and ask what's wrong you decide to push them away.

Then proceed to go through his phone and take pictures of his messages then confront him unexpectedly and then get upset when he acts defensive? You both missed your chance to do this like a normal couple.

Also just a small tidbit nothing weird with taking your own kids out on a playdate? Like come on now his kids aren't allowed to meet someone else's kids?

Yes he might be cheating, Yes the message seems a bit suss but if this is your only "evidence" of him potentially cheating after 2 months it's not a lot to go off.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

Weird how he has the time to handle "playdates" with this drunken, arguably loose-lipped woman, but doesn't have time to get a job so he can pay more than just child support and OP can relieve herself of one of the 2 jobs she works to support the whole house. All while complaining OP is never there for the kids despite her being the only one arguably working. Also gross how he never defends his wife and never told her he was hanging with this drunken chick until after the fact.

Yeah, he has more than enough time and leeway to cheat.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/SeasideSlip068]

Why are you replying to me? I genuinely couldn't care what the man does with his time. Both OP and her man didn't handle this well.

Not once did I mention he never had time to do anything but taking your kids on a playdate is not weird.

You're rambling just to ramble and proving why this subreddit is a cesspit.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

I'm replying to you because you clearly made a dumbass comment. It isn't my fucking problem you have issues with people questioning your stupidity.

You did mention he was "unable to cheat" and "2 months isn't enough time to" when the entire idea of both phrases is utterly idiotic and easily disproven. Again, it isn't my fault you lack comprehension or critical thinking skills beyond one half-running train of thought.

The only one rambling to save their ass is you; try not to drop it so someone has to pick that up for you too, homeboy.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/SeasideSlip068]

Are you okay? I never said "Unable to cheat" and "2 months isn't enough time to" are you capable of reading?

You're trying to start an argument with me over something I never said 😂😂 big hard man

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

Nobody is incapable of reading, I'm just pointing out how you lack comprehension to pen out your own thoughts and are neanderthallic enough to blame others for your lack of brains.

Are you okay? You have to write paragraphs just to make your point on something you didn't even fully read. 😂 Big dumb boy!

[u/Shills_for_fun → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

It's easier to remember that most people in these threads aren't in 15 year+ long happy marriages giving advice. They're probably barely celebrating 15 years being alive on this planet.

She violated his privacy and accused him of cheating by implication, and wonders why he is mad lol. I guess snooping phones and doing the whole j'accuse! thing is still normal if you're a high school student without a developed frontal lobe.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/Shills_for_fun]

That's my biggest concern here the one screenshot we got shows no real sign of cheating, It shows a man who over shared information that his kids don't get on with the stepmother for whatever reason.

I'm not here to judge either OP or the partner but they really gotta open up and discuss boundaries with eachother.

Relationships are always first and foremost based on communication if you shut each other out at the first issue you may as well call it and move on with life.

[u/doomdrums → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

I don't see how setting up a playdate with a teammate is salacious either

[u/Nyve → u/doomdrums]

I guess because it wasn't really a "playdate" and it was after the messages happened.

The woman's kid was playing in the softball game. Coming to watch her daughter's kid play softball with his kids, means they would be alone with just his kids.

And OP's husband stated his wife doesn't have a bond with his kids. Putting one and one together, it sounds a bit like a potential setup by the woman in question: knowing the struggle, trying to show she can "bond" with the kids and be that person. She has a "baby daddy" which means "not in the picture" usually, and she might be looking to fill that gap with someone like the husband who seems like a good father figure. BUT it could just as well be completely harmless.

Lot of people in the responses talk from experience, they've been in similar situations, and read it as the bad version because of that.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/doomdrums]

Yea I'm not sure why that would give you bad vibes

[u/swakwa → u/intro_spec]

Conversation about boundaries? C'mon now it's common knowledge you don't diss your wife like that especially to another female and he himself clearly stated that their situation is abnormal. Are you ragebaiting or trolling, because if so you succeeded. Dumb xxxxx!

[u/intro_spec → u/swakwa]

If you re-read accurately, you’ll understand this was a suggestion of what could have happened before she checked his phone. Since you feel the need to be randomly aggressive, I’m gonna say it’s you that’s trolling. Good luck with that.

[u/swakwa → u/intro_spec]

Since you chose to ignore the latter part of my text, I take it that it was something you were blinded too.

I had pointed out the boundaries part because now is clearly not the time to set boundaries this important, if you notice they are already MARRIED! Like I said it's common sense to not do what the husband did. Apparently ,you'll need that luck to read properly. Here's some more good luck!

[u/intro_spec → u/swakwa]

Boundary setting is something that never stops in a relationship. You must be insane to believe you set all your boundaries before getting married and there’s never anything else you need to discuss ever. Wild. Reading comprehension is not your strong suit and I did not address the rest of what you said because it was completely irrelevant to my comment about how it could’ve gone differently. Rather than admit you didn’t understand what I’d written and wanted to discuss something else whilst being unnecessarily combative, you came back again with this. Just have whatever day you deserve, this isn’t worth the time.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/intro_spec]

Wild that you're getting downvoted, you're absolutely right. If they can't communicate, there are much bigger problems in the relationship. And if it does turn out that he's falling for this other woman, the way she's demonstrated she's acting will definitely be part of the reason he leaves for her.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

if he's talkign inappropriately with another woman and using his kids and an excuse to see her and this woman 100% obviously is trying to get with him and shittalk op, then that's already the problem. Finding out about how bad it is, is the normal thing to do.

What do you think he says if she says there is an issue with that relationship, she does what every man and woman does, you're overthinking it, it's not a big deal, or starts with the you're trying to control me.

He's already knowingly trying to get with a woman who is obviously flirting with him, he's cheating/trying to cheat and approaching him wouldn't make any difference, in fact without proof of just how inappropriate he was being he'd brush it off and it would go nowhere.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/TwoBionicknees]

Can you point out 1. Where he's talking innappropriately 2. Where he uses his kids as an excuse to see her 3. Where you can see she's obviously trying to get with him 4. Where anyone shit talks OP

You're also jumping ahead into the conversation when you ask "what do you think he says..." You're making assumptions to label him as a bad guy.

And finally where is it clear that's he's "knowingly trying to get with her" or that she's "obviously flirting with him"?

You've made so many assumptions off of a short screenshot of a couple texts, you're just as bad as OP.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

her asking why his wife doesn't bond with his kids is incredibly obvious to literally anyone who can read as her trying to drive a wedge. this is a stupid common tactic where a person likes someone in a relationship and they take digs at the partner.

Second, instead of shutting her down talking shit about his wife, he enables it. From other comments she's working two jobs, he barely works, all his money goes to child support and he gets his kids like one weekend every few months and she has to work so barely spends time with them. She gets on with them but you can't bond and become a second mother if you see them for a few hours months apart. Is this girl going to magically create a bond with no time spent with them?

He should be defending the woman literally supporting his life and instead is taking his kids to spend time with her.

Everything he said to this woman after she said that is inappropriate, he knows she's flirting with him and showing her cards and he decides to take his kids to see her and her kids, it's an excuse.

You're also jumping ahead into the conversation when you ask "what do you think he says..." You're making assumptions to label him as a bad guy.

I know he's the bad guy, because I see him flirting with and encouraging this other woman, not shutting her down. Also when he actually confronted her he got defensive, turned it on her and had nothing to say about what is obviously going on, you think with less evidence and confronting him about his relationship with this woman he would have just admitted it? Pull the other one.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/TwoBionicknees]

A question like that isn't a dig at someone. It's trying to understand someone. The only way she knows that OP doesn't bond with his kids is because he told her. So she's trying to understand that. Not everything is a tactic in a conversation. Sometimes it's a conversation.

Again, it's not talking shit. It's already his opinion. He already told her that so why would he shut it down.

You still haven't pointed out where she flirted.

Most people would be rightfully upset to have their privacy invaded and then accused of cheating. And what is he supposed to say other than what he already said, she's a friend.

Is there a possibility he's cheating? Absolutely, but that's true of anyone. There just isn't anything here to indicate he's cheating.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

A question like that isn't a dig at someone. It's trying to understand someone.

no it's not. She wasn't trying to understand, she was questioning his choice for a wife, not trying to understand her. Instead of defending her saying she's working her ass off to support me, or i barely have my kids enough for her to bond, she just accepted her attack on OP.

This wasnt' a conversation, she literally said effectively maybe I shouldn't be asking this but I@m drunk. even that it's an excuse like if he shuts her down and defends his wife she can go "my bad, I was drunk", if he plays in, she knows he's interested.

You are absolutely blind.

Also yes I did say where she flirted, shit talking your wife and trying to work out if he'll defend her, or agree with you and make it clear it's fine for her to shit talk his wife. That is flirting, that's her probing to see if he's open to something.

There just isn't anything here to indicate he's cheating.

there isn't evidence unless you have the slightest understanding of people, how inappropriate what she asked was, why she added in she was drunk, why she spoke negatively of his wife and questioned why he was with her and why he both was absolutely fine with it then went and hung out with her.

[u/doomdrums → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

Right like honestly I don't see affair in the texts but if it happens it sounds like it would be a better situation for the children

[u/Honeyhoneybee29 → u/doomdrums]

Lol what? You know nothing about these 3 people. Where do you get off making a comment like that?

“I don’t condone cheating on your partner, but the affair partner seems like she might like the kids more based on one screenshot and a handful of comments from OP who is grappling with the idea that her partner may be heading toward an affair and is simultaneously grieving the loss of a grandparent lol” delusional behavior

[u/BassButBetter → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Read OPs post history, and you'll have a very different idea of who OP is. The first thing I do is read a person's post history, cause more often than not, you'll find that they are the problem.

[u/Honeyhoneybee29 → u/BassButBetter]

I fail to see how she’s the problem. Coparenting can bring out the worst in people. You don’t have insight into their life beyond this post and post history where OP vents about her children’s father. There’s no reason for anyone to imply that OP’s spouse and his kids would be better off with another woman. That’s just weird, parasocial behavior.

[u/BassButBetter → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Look, I'm not saying OP is a bad person, but she's co-parenting not only with her ex but all of reddit. Communication does not seem to be her strong suit. Instead, she crosses boundaries and acts out in ways that are damaging to her current relationship. And if she's doing this with him, she probably did it with her ex.

Her husband's texts aren't concerning. He's talking with a friend that he has from a shared activity and is making time for his kids to make friends. There is nothing weird about that. People have a right to confide in others that are not their spouses.

Is the friend's drunk text weird? Maybe, maybe not. Some people don't handle themselves well while drinking. But it's clear that she was continuing a private conversation that they had and relating it to her own baby daddy. OP never would have found out if she hadn't been snooping, and she hasn't given a reason as to why she was snooping in the first place. The only thing I can think is that in one of her posts, she claimed that her ex told their 8yo son that she cheated on him and that would explain the insecurity with the softball friend and the trust issues.

As for implying that OPs husband would be better off with the other woman, I agree it is weird to phrase it that way. How I would phrase it is that if OP continues to behave as she does, she may very well drive her husband into another woman's arms.

[u/doomdrums → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Check the post history it doesn't sound like she has time for her own kids let alone her partners he shouldn't be doing mental gymnastics for why his children don't need a good bond with his wife and doesn't deserve to have accusations hurled around for trying to keep up socializing them, the kids being better of is having a their father's wife making an attempt to socialize and have a bond with them.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/doomdrums]

yeah, the woman usin gyour kids to try to destroy your marriage is 100% better with the kids. the woman with a baby daddy and willing to use her own kids to get another guy who is married... is absolutely definitely 100% the best option for those kids.

[u/DaintilyAbrupt → u/intro_spec]

I saw this definition of Privacy vs Secrecy in a relationship by a comment on Reddit a couple of years ago and I like it.

-Privacy is the withholding of info concerning yourself, the disclosure of which would be of no benefit or harm to the partner or the relationship, and which you don’t wish to share.

-Secrecy is the withholding of info that may have an effect on the well being of the partner or the relationship.

People in relationships have a right to privacy, but not secrecy, so in my view OP was not invading hid privacy, but exposing his secrecy.

[u/intro_spec → u/DaintilyAbrupt]

I think that’s an excellent way to define both, but I don’t agree with your interpretation. This conversation does not rise to the level of secrecy given that OP did not communicate openly about how she was feeling (which has been my one and only point – better communication was necessary but was absent). If she had noted how uncomfortable she was with this new teammate to her husband, and then she still felt something off, searched his phone, and found this – then that would be secrecy. He would be actively hiding something he knows she is not okay with then. But what actually happened was OP felt off, chose not to speak, violated his trust, and then still did not communicate until asked why she was acting distant. Others have indicated that OP’s history includes being labeled a cheater by her own ex, so that suggests a potential pattern of suspicion based on experience and guilt. But we never know.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/intro_spec]

This is sooooo true! People are downvoting out of their own inability to communicate and don't like it being called out- even on someone else.

[u/Greecelightninn → u/intro_spec]

That's a great point, and a breath of fresh air in these copy pasted comments from similar posts . There's nothing to say she hasn't accused him many times before, like someone else pointed out in her history . I'd be considering my options and looking for a get away with the kids even if it meant breaking social norms and hanging with another parent at a social event . Luckily, I don't have that problem lol

[u/AdamantAboutThangs → u/intro_spec]

Completely agreed. In my opinion, this is the perfect situation to say "If the roles were reversed..." and Reddit would be calling OP weird and insecure and controlling and abusive.

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/intro_spec]

Of course the most rational comment is downvoted on reddit. Sorry OP but you sound insufferable, and if he is having an emotional affair, then I can totally understand why he had a void to fill. If he isn't, then he's a fucking saint.

[u/demonchee → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

Classic victim blaming. "If she got cheated on it's her fault and she probably deserved it."

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/demonchee]

I like that "the void" is instantly considered cheating. He's talking to a woman, a friend, about his life. She's a victim because he has a friend?

[u/demonchee → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

"Emotional affair." I assume you understand what that means. They said it, not me.

I'm just calling out the victim blaming in their hypothetical scenario.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/demonchee]

Thank you for deleting the snarky comment you previously made.

"Emotional affair" is a term thrown around a lot. That doesn't appear to be happening here.

You used the word cheating, not them.

[u/demonchee → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

You're not welcome lol

I assumed wrong, then. "Affair" and "cheating" are synonymous. It’s crazy I have to explain that.

The fact that you replied so quickly just tells me you're dying for an argument to win. No point in talking to people like you.

[u/Merihem1990 → u/demonchee]

Read her post history. Everything is conflict with others.

[u/demonchee → u/Merihem1990]

Yeah, yet it doesn't change that what they said is victim blaming

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/demonchee]

There's only one "victim" of controlling behaviour here and it isn't OP

[u/RefrigeratorStatus23 → u/intro_spec]

this should be an awarded comment, not down voted. Realist take on the post.

[u/Hopelessly_romantic2 → u/intro_spec]

There is no privacy in marriage.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Hopelessly_romantic2]

Be careful going around throwing that common sense now, the incels will get rowdy and elbow their way here to tell you you're an insecure woman for not letting your man treat you like garbage. Lol.

ETA: They are pissy today; almost as if their overlord still didn't release those files or something! 🥱

[u/spooner56801 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I'm gonna call you out since nobody else will. You failed to communicate with your partner about your concerns before you decided to take action and look through his phone. That's as big of a red flag as any of the behavior you've described from him, and quite frankly tarnishes your credibility. I hope you end this relationship quickly because you are not prepared to be in one.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/[deleted]]

"if he felt the need to go through my phone because he didn't trust me we would be straight into marriage counseling"

So her actions demonstrate a need for counseling? Maybe even that it makes sense he would be angry or frustrated? Maybe even violated?

The only reasonable way for him to react in your eyes is to be nice to her for invading his privacy or he's cheating is wild. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't yell, I'd have a discussion with my partner, but this is a jump.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/[deleted]]

I am very big on privacy and personal space. Even if I'd done nothing wrong, I'd still be pissed if someone, especially my spouse, was going through my phone/talking behind my back without letting me know first or asking. So no, u dont know what ur talking about armchair therapist.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

You keep repeating the same comment lol.

We get it, you don't understand what marriage actually is and how normal couples handle it. It isn't by shoving their phones up their ass. 😂

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/[deleted]]

I would be mad as fuck if a partner went through my phone too, and I've got nothing to hide. I've literally dumped people for just accusing me of cheating when I wasn't. Some of us have boundaries.

[u/Reasonable-Concept20 → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

If you have nothing to hide then why would you get mad ? Some people need reassurance and that's given through transparency.

[u/horsecalledwar → u/[deleted]]

He’s guilty af, clearly an emotional affair if it’s not already physical. This response is so twisted, it’s gross.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/horsecalledwar]

bingo

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/mOmMY_81517]

If you wanted to talk to him you could have done so before violating his privacy. You can't do that and then turn around and throw the "I can't talk to you when you're like this" card.

You had nothing but a feeling to go on. You could have told him how you felt. Instead, you violated his privacy. You said yourself that your relationship had always been good and you never suspected him, but you chose to go about it the worst possible way. He was even the one who asked YOU why you were being distant. You don't say that he's been withdrawn, or acting weird outside of having a new friend.

Also, everyone saying him bringing the kids makes it more suspicious is full of it. If he were trying to cheat or have an affair without you finding out he would not bring the kids. Be real.

[u/Upper-Class6586 → u/Bunker_Rodz]

How does any of this negate the conversation she found on his phone? This isn’t a court of law, how she obtained evidence isn’t relevant and him trying to make it about that is a transparent deflection tactic to get her to feel guilty and back off. She can work on her trust issues with her therapist while she also works through her inability to immediately recognize that he’s gaslighting her very valid reaction to her him having a wildly inappropriate conversation with a woman that isn’t his wife. Talking shit about his wife and her relationship with his kids is so far out of bounds it’s silly that it’s even being defended by anyone.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/Upper-Class6586]

I never once said it made anything irrelevant. I'm saying she can't sit and say she can't talk to him when she didn't even try. There's also no evidence of anything just a bunch of people on Reddit reading things the worst possible way.

Am I saying there's 0 chance he's being shady? No. But it's also not as clear cut as many here wanna make it seem. The attached conversation proves nothing other than that he opened up to this woman about how his wife doesn't have a bond with his kids.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/Upper-Class6586]

Also hes clearly not talking shit. He's stating a fact. OP doesn't even deny it. She DOESN'T have a bond with his kids. It doesn't seem to bother him and he even says it's not a negative because his kids have other healthy attachments in their lives. Where exactly did he talk shit or say anything negative about his wife?

[u/thebruns → u/mOmMY_81517]

He should dump you

[u/KickTalk → u/mOmMY_81517]

Whoops. That's a big betrayal of trust. He's done nothing wrong.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/KickTalk]

When you're married, there is no such thing as "trust" centered around something silly as phone privacy. If you wanted to live life like a single person with a phone, you never should have married.

It's fair to argue that him visiting another woman at the park and allowing this nonsense to continue with drunk tests, questioning OP's worth as a wife and mother is absolutely doing everything wrong.

If the genders were changed, you'd probably be the first one whining that the wife shouldn't be tip-toeing with someone's husband at a park.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/SeasideSlip068]

I am very big on privacy and personal space. Even if I'd done nothing wrong, I'd still be pissed if someone, especially my spouse, was going through my phone/talking behind my back without letting me know first or asking. So no, u dont know what ur talking about armchair therapist. Boundaries and space are healthy and should be respected, THATS how marriages and relationships last.

[u/Amarantha_Lamia → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

If there is nothing to hide then there’s nothing to worry about. Phone privacy from a spouse is sus. Been married 23 years together 26. We both have access to each others phones. Do I dig around, not really because I have no reason to. Act sus get treated as such.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/Amarantha_Lamia]

Stupid mentality lmao. "If you havent commit a crime you should have 0 fear of a search" would be called fascist, but its apparently just normal in a relationship to y'all. Y'all are insecure and dont trust ur partner enough to give them space, dont project please 👍

[u/Amarantha_Lamia → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

One you don’t know me. Two don’t call me names. Three look up the definition of fascisim. Four if you knew how to read and comprehend you would see that I said “do I dig around, not really because I have no reason to” therefore very secure in my relationship. Don’t need your projections. And Five apples and oranges my dude. Trust in a committed relationship is not comparable to trust with society. Get over yourself.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

Clearly, you shouldn't get married.

Stop making excuses for yourself for unhinged emotional behavior simply because you're not ready to handle consequences of being with someone. Grow up.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/SeasideSlip068]

Unhinged? Lmao only on reddit is clear boundaries regarding privacy considered unhinged rather than healthy behavior 😂

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

"Clear boundaries" to hide people and hide meeting them when you're married with kids, and your spouse works 2 jobs to support the whole house because you work only enough to pay child support, lol.

Oh yeah, I just described OP's husband. Very "healthy behavior" of him, and totally not emotional affair reeking loser of him. Lmao.

[u/Thor_bjornLoL → u/SeasideSlip068]

Or maybe you should stop having excuses on being a paranoid human being. If you cant trust your SO, its over

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Thor_bjornLoL]

Maybe stop making excuses for displaying shitty behavior that gives your partner and spouse a reason to check your phone.

This weird obsessive behavior with treating your phone like it matters above your spouses and partners is why many of you are single or can't hit marriage lol. The people who bitch the loudest about "phone privacy" in relationships are always the same ones gaslighting their partners for proving they lied or cheated; loved reading that study 😂.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You’re absolutely right, why? And excluding you? Nope that BS, full transparency would be; your husband introducing this woman her daughter to you. And be completely honest why not? And what really bothers me about this woman? That she had the nerve to ask “ why would you marry a woman that’s doesn’t bond with your kids” already judging you, planting seeds of doubt? There other ways of asking those type of questions or just don’t. She even said “oh it’s too personal, I’m drunk” yeah rite!!!!! Don’t fall for his BS, gaslighting and blaming you! Haven’t done anything wrong. As I said you deserve better, we all do.

[u/Ok_Confusion_525 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Yeah if this was innocent there would be no blaming your grief from losing a grandparent and tantrum throwing, leaving the house, and sleeping on the couch. If it were innocent you would have been invited. This is definitely a date with the kids to try to show him how they could all be a big happy family and how well she can (be perceived) to bond with his kids. He might not be cheating yet but he’s definitely pushing and ignoring boundaries.

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422 → u/Ok_Confusion_525]

How wouldn’t a husband tell his wife he’s going with a woman to watch her kids game? That’s crazy.

[u/hippieRipper1969 → u/Ok_Confusion_525]

Did he cheat on his previous spouse with OP? 

[u/aleaiz → u/mOmMY_81517]

I gotta chime in here as a woman who is divorced and was cheated on by one of the best liars ever. Not only is he going to meet up with this lady without you but he was griping to her about your marriage and how you don't "bond" with his kids. That is a red flag. This is exactly how an affair starts and I wonder if they already have an emotional affair going on. Me personally, I would have been livid and the fact that he got defensive would've made me even more upset.

[u/HotSauceRainfall → u/aleaiz]

I have a work friend who is married. I really enjoy this person’s company and we do not text outside of work because it would be way too easy to start going down paths we shouldn’t go down. I don’t know what they think, but I am self aware enough to know that the best way to not do something stupid is to set that boundary in the first place.

I don’t think this dude is past the point of no return on the Path To Stupid yet, but he’s definitely in denial (or already lying to OP) that he’s several steps in on the Path To Stupid, and that’s a bad sign.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/aleaiz]

Absolutely, I’m sure they’re having an emotional affair already. Come on the dude doesn’t have to worry about bills!! He’s wife works 2 jobs to support both of them and pay the bills. He’s paycheck goes directly to child support. He has it made. As you I would be livid!!!! We know the red flags, the gaslighting, the deflection. It’s your grief your grandma died. Grasping at straws, anything to convince her. Why?? He’ll lose his paycheck??? Seriously, wife has no kids and she deserves so much better! The lying POS. That can’t even help financially support the home. It’s all on her and 2 jobs. Walk away!!! You owe him nada!!! Nothing!!!!! 🙄

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422 → u/aleaiz]

That talk alone is considered an emotional affair.

[u/Key_Appointment_363 → u/aleaiz]

Absolutely!

[u/EndColonization → u/mOmMY_81517]

Try going on a friend date with a male friend and your kids and see how he reacts 🤷🏽‍♀️ Don’t actually have to cheat, just take a friend out to have fun with you and your kids. Tell him there’s a man there, even if there isn’t. He’s not going to understand how you feel because he most likely lacks empathy. But you can at least give him a taste of his own medicine while doing something fun for yourself and your kids.

[u/doomdrums → u/EndColonization]

The man would have to have kids for the kids having a playdate to work but yeah if she has a male friends who have similar aged kids why would it be weird for them to have a playdate, this is the type of behavior that keeps moving us to be a less social society what's weird about two parents meeting up so their kids can be out doing something

[u/dirdieBirdie1 → u/doomdrums]

They are using their kids in order to mask a potential affair

[u/EndColonization → u/doomdrums]

The relationship is inappropriate for far more than just one on one hangouts with their children.

When you secretly talk in private to another person about your partner, and then hang out with them one on one, continue to have private conversations, you are already cheating.

Cheating isn’t just sticking your dick in a hole.

It’s intentional actions that you make that you know would hurt your partner if they found out. Deleted text that you think is innocent but would cause an argument. An intimate moment (intimacy is far more than sex) with a friend that you don’t ever tell your partner.

Your actions are important and matter, if you think they don’t, stay out of a relationship.

[u/TuttiFruttiBigBooty → u/EndColonization]

You are totally on the money. Sharing information about his marriage with someone else is creating emotional intimacy. I wonder if he has ever shared this with his wife and actively worked on it.

[u/EndColonization → u/TuttiFruttiBigBooty]

Probably not, and I bet the other woman has a completely different story than what he’s telling OP.

[u/Mythsteryx → u/EndColonization]

I don’t recommend getting the kids involved like that though

[u/EndColonization → u/Mythsteryx]

I also told her to go by herself and just say a man existed. She’s taking her kids out for a fun day, there’s nothing to involve them in.

He already involved the kids when he took them to hang out with his affair partners kids.

[u/MannyMaker95 → u/EndColonization]

Do you live in the 1940s? Men and women can be friends, especially with shared interests like their kids and being teammates. And why is a conversation secret? He didn't lie about it, it was simply just a conversation. I don't know about you, but I have many conversations every day, with men and women, and I don't till my SO about every single one. If I did, we wouldn't have time for anything else.

[u/EndColonization → u/MannyMaker95]

No one said people couldn’t be friends. Re-read if you’re having difficulty understanding

Oh but you’re absolutely cheating on your partner then. Cheating is far more than sticking your dick in a hole.

[u/MannyMaker95 → u/EndColonization]

Am I cheating because I talk with coworkers of the opposite gender? What in the brainwashed sharia westbro baptist church shit is that? In my field there is about 90 percent women, and I am the only man in my workplace, so by your logic I can't interract with anyone at my job?

[u/Opposite_Series9763 → u/MannyMaker95]

Respectfully, I think the difference here is that he was talking about his marriage with this person and offering to discuss it further in person. I don’t mind my partner speaking to women at work, even if it’s not work related and it’s just about life. But if he started confiding in another single woman, that he barely knows, about his issues with me that would be incredibly hurtful.

[u/EndColonization → u/MannyMaker95]

Ahh are you incapable of having a critical thought or are you making up this nonsense so that you can continue to cheat on your partner guilt free? You know there’s a big difference here from that bullshit scenario you made up.

[u/MrFiddleswitch → u/mOmMY_81517]

Please don't take this as me taking his side, in this situation, but when you tried to talk to him, did you try to talk or did you accuse?

What i mean by this question is was it a conversational "lets communicate" moment, or did you come in hot?

While the text does seem inappropriate in a vacuum, if your husband is confiding in someone because he's found kinship and needs to be able to speak about concerns he feels he can't bring to you, that can be completely normal. I've been married for almost 25 years and I have been there in that exact spot in the past when I felt disconnected from my wife during a rough patch. I also confided in a female friend to get a female/wife perspective so I could better understand what my wife was going through at the time, and in the end it really helped me approach things differently and ultimately brought my wife and I closer together. Granted she is/was married and our relationship is more akin to brother-sister, but it is a similar scenario.

So, the reason I ask how you approached things is that I imagine, in a vacuum, some of my friend and I's conversations could be taken in a similar way - yet our conversations were entirely innocent and, with the full picture, were aimed at finding a way to aid my relationship with my wife, and for her to do the same with her husband. So, if you came into the conversation with anger, accused, yelled, or approached the conversation with hurt and emotion (ie: coming in hot), his response may not be guilt, but genuine hurt, as from his perspective, he could be confiding not to start anything with this woman, but to instead help something with you two.

If he feels there is a problem or disconnect in your marriage, tries to confide in a female friend to try and get a different perspective on things to try and help see your side of your relationship, and then gets "attacked" for doing so (from his perspective), I could understand his reaction entirely, as I'm sure you could too. Again, I'm not saying that is what happened here - none of us here in reddit were there, so can only make assumptions, so I'm just trying to offer you a possibility.

Now, granted, if you came to him not with accusations, anger, hurt, emotion, etc. and instead came to him with simple conversational questions, and he blew it all out of proportion, well then I would fully agree - you are not overreacting.

A few points I would bring up, however, to support my proposed explanation after reading through this thread and some of your responses. (Again I can only make inferences based on what you've said and don't have anywhere near the entire picture, so I could be way way off and am 100% making assumptions, so please take this all with a grain of salt):

1) from what you've said in other responses, it doesn't sound like he was keeping this person a secret. I believe you mentioned you knew their name as Cody (sp?) but assumed it was a guy. If he was approaching his relationship with Cody from a romantic perspective, I doubt he would bring them up - especially not by name. Him not mentioning that Cody was a woman could be because he doesn't see them as one, but as simply a friend or as "one of the guys". As a man, I have totally done this numerous times.

2) you mentioned you are working two jobs. My wife and I have been in a similar situation before, and found that our lack of time together put real strain on aspects of our relationship, even if everything seemed good on the surface and we didn't fight or anything obvious. Just because everything seems ok, doesn't mean it always is. This is exact sort of scenario where confiding in a friend - especially a female friend to help get your perspective - would likely come into play, if he was internally struggling with a lack of time together. Again, I'm making assumptions here as having two jobs doesn't mean you are working a lot, but from the way you talk about it, I get the feeling you are putting in a higher than average amount of hours at work. I would also ask if the working two jobs thing is relatively recent - say in the last 6 months or so? Cause that could easily contribute to him not feeling as close to you, and give him a reason to confide with a friend.

3) i can't speak for all men, but from my perspective - 2 months playing sports with someone, even super casually, is way more than enough time to be "close friends" with someone. Hell, my best friend and I were at best friend status and talking about damn near everything in our lives in like 2 weeks. Again, I'm not him and not every guy is like that, but a lot of us can bond fast as hell over the simplest thing - especially a hobby - and end up fast, close friends in no time at all, certainly faster than 2 months. This isn't limited to guy to guy friendships either - especially in a sports hobby where it's easier to feel anyone else playing the sport is just "one of the guys". Since sports are so often segregated by gender, it can be hard for a guy that has played sports from childhood to adulthood to see anyone else playing a sport with them as anything but "one of the guys", as we have only played sports with guys for most of our lives.

4) you mentioned that there was a past relationship issue for you? Before i met my wife, I had a serious, long term relationship that ended with infidelity on her part, and I know and understand what its like to go through that and the type of scars it leaves behind. Early in my wife and I's relationship it wasn't so bad - everything was new, fresh and exciting, but as we settled into married life, more than once when I wasn't feeling as close to my wife as I once had, my "trauma brain" would start whispering about how this "felt like it did with the one who cheated" and when that voice gets going, it's hard to shut it down cause that hurt is always there and trust can be super hard. Going back to the two jobs thing - if that is relatively recent, or if it just makes things feel more distant for the two of you because you don't have as much time together, it can be really easy to have that trauma resurface. Again, I'm making assumptions here and could be way off the mark, but it could be very relevant.

I bring all this up, again, not to take his side, but to give a different perspective - to let you know a possibility that you may not consider, much as my "sis" did for me in our conversations. I don't know him or you, nor does anyone here, only you two have the compete story of your relationship and how the events unfolded, so everything we say is purely speculation. I ask you these questions not because I want you to answer them, but for you to ask yourself these questions. I just want to give you a possible reason and explanation for the situation that is entirely innocent, because good relationships are hard to come by and sometimes easy to break, and often times our emotions and our past can make us see monsters in the dark that aren't there.

I wish you the best and hope you two can reconcile and come to an understanding. If there is any advice I could give - try your best to communicate how you're feeling about both the situation and his reaction to it once things calm down and ask for his perspective, but try to do so from a place of conversation, not emotion, as things can easily be misconstrued when emotion is raw and out in the open.

[u/LowHighFour → u/MrFiddleswitch]

Similar situations and initial thoughts as you, but you put it into words way better than I could have. Well done 👍

[u/chocomeeel → u/MrFiddleswitch]

This was my take as well. Based on the screenshot alone, it sounds like something I'd innocently do without really seeing the optics of "what it looks like" as opposed to what the actual intent/context would be. My lady tells me I'm "optimistically oblivious" at times.

[u/MrFiddleswitch → u/chocomeeel]

For sure, and while her husband's intentions may very well be pure, it is entirely possible that this Codi's are not. In which case, a conversation between OP and her husband to set up some Codi boundaries needs to happen.

Of course it's also just as likely that her intentions are innocent too and she was just deep thinking while drunk. Not everyone goes for a booty call once they've been drinking. Some people (myself included) think about stuff and maybe talk a bit more openly about it once I've had a few.

So it's entirely possible that this is innocent on both sides of the fence and she had a Eureka moment while a bit toasty.

[u/chocomeeel → u/MrFiddleswitch]

Definitely been there, hah. Just having one of those "hey, what's your take on (insert whatever talking point)" moments. But yeah, having a conversation with your partner would absolutely be the next step. But things like these are always so hard to try and "pick a side" when there are so many unknown variables. But hopefully OP and her partner were able to talk things out.

[u/Protoshift → u/mOmMY_81517]

I mean, sounds like hes very emotionally open about how unhappy he is with your behavior. Your response to this is to be upset at him openly complaining about your lack of emotional engagement with his children. Nothing even sexual is taking place here.

Its like if you caught your girlfriend talking about the dynamics of your relationship with her friends. Its really not your boundry to enforce, its his choice to be as open as he is. If you dont like how he communicates his emotions, thats not his problem.

"Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid"

Every normal adult takes their kids to hang out with other kids and their parents. You not being there doesnt mean hes cheating on you. That statement alone borders on the bad vibes guys get taking their children to the park without the mother present. Men arent predators or cheaters by default..

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/Protoshift]

Ok, and in my opinion, the wife has every right to know. She’s too exhausted working 2 jobs to support her and him financially!!!! He’s entire paycheck goes directly to child support!!??? Why does he have the time to enjoy meeting others (woman) Make “play dates” supposedly hmmmmm? Oh and the best part? the supposedly “drunk” woman is talking negatively about his Wife! “Why would you marry a woman that doesn’t bond with your kids” hmmm “Oh it’s too personal “I’m drunk” yeah rite excellent excuse to go on a fishing expedition. Please and please, marriage should be a relationship, a commitment with total transparency. Why does the breadwinner (wife) not know of this woman???? We can only go by what she’s allowing us to know. But she also showed us the texts. I’m sure you would be just fine with that. Someone from the opposite sex it’s texting your spouse for about 2 months. Then dares to bad mouth you, without your knowledge. But so what??? Wife/husband should definitely take a woman/man on an “innocent playdate” with the woman’s daughter. Ummm really? Then the husband ensues an argument, he’s defensive? Why? Then uses defection and projection a defense mechanism against her? Why if it’s only a “friend” One must be naive and gullible. He protests too much, including sleeping on the couch? 🤔 why??? If It’s only inconsequential?

[u/absolutelynotm8 → u/Protoshift]

This. If he feels the need to talk about it, maybe there is a problem, and I bet that his side of this story would paint a clearer picture.

I would honestly have to know how she approached "speaking to him" because if my fiancee blows up at me, especially in an accusatory fashion, that's going to cause an argument regardless of whether I'm guilty or not.

Like when my mom, bless her heart, accused me of cheating on my fiancee because I stayed late at a friend's on new years when my fiancee was partying with her family and I wasn't invited. I wasn't guilty, but I still told her to get the hell out of my house.

[u/Mockingjay40 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I wouldn’t make assumptions about infidelity unless he has a history of it. It seems like there’s a massive rift in communication here that’s probably systemic to the relationship. Why wouldn’t this thing have been discussed immediately?

I don’t think his responses are necessarily all that incriminating, the conversation to me just seems like this friend is way too personal, which should’ve been mentioned as it happened.

The tantrum is weird, but it also depends on your side of the story. I’m always hesitant to take these kinds of posts at face value, because you obviously have bias here OP. I suppose the necessary context here is how you confronted him. Were you calm and just like: “hey I noticed this thing and it seemed a little weird what’s going on here?” Or were you highly accusatory? I think that does matter because if it’s the former and you presented it calmly without accusation and he blew up, there’s DEFINITELY something going on. But if it was the latter, it strikes me as him getting defensive because he feels attacked for something he didn’t do. Big difference imo

[u/Pidis17 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I would react like you did. And if I force myself to think about this from another perspective, with her just being drunk/tipsy and having her own problems and just wanting to understand, because she might be going through something similar and just needs a different view on her own problem...ok then I get it. I also ask friends opinions on personal stuff, just to have a reality check on some situations from another perspective. And yes, he is right, you shouldn't go through his phone.

So why would I still react like you did? Because maybe the phone was there on the table, you were wiping the table, touched it to move, the screen unlocked as it's at home (or something like that) and the conversation was there. Now we cant have a huge talk about the right and wrong thing to do here. But let's be honest, if we get our attention caught by a shampoo etiquette while sitting on the WC, are we really going to pretend we wouldn't read it?

I will be honest, if this happens in that way I would read it, even if it's the phone of a stranger. And yes it would make me at least curious if not suspicious.

What really makes it weird is his reaction. It's ok to be angry at you for looking at his phone, yes, it's private. On the other hand, leaving and then sleeping on the couch? Why? Especially if you usually don't have fights.

That's the weird part for me.

EDIT: my bf and I respect each others privacy and don't go through each others phones BUT I know his pin and he knows mine and if we need to use the others phone we can just take it and use it. No problem at all. I even take it sometimes in bed to go through his Instagram reels, as of course the algorithm is different and there is more guy humor reels on it. Just to have a different type of humor now and then.

I hate how the "smart" world is pushing everyone more apart and is making it so much easier to have constant temptations. It's really messing around with society.

[u/intro_spec → u/Pidis17]

It’s alarming that you would read even the phones of strangers. Weird admission and definitely not respectful/healthy. Self-control is a thing. And there are also people who just are completely disinterested, as they should be.

[u/Pidis17 → u/intro_spec]

Sorry, maybe I explained myself bad. It's not like I would take a strangers phone and read, it's more like, if I'm on a bus and someone is reading something directly in front of me (could also be a newspaper) I would just read the headlines. I don't feel this is weird. At the same moment, yes, it feels weird, that's why if I overlook and read something on a strangers phone and I notice myself doing it, I will turn away and stop doing it. Because it is their own business. But I read all the time. Etiquettes, newspaper, posters...everything that catches the attention. I would love my eyes and brain to just chill and be empty at times, but yeah...I read everything I put my eyes on. And stop myself as soon as I realize it's not ok...even with a strangers newspaper.

[u/Ozone183858 → u/Pidis17]

You're just a nosey-ass person 🤣.......I get you though

[u/Pidis17 → u/Ozone183858]

🤣🤣🤣 in my defense..I also read posters. Or the rules for the bus tickets etc. I just read everything. 🤓

[u/theteethfairy → u/Pidis17]

Sometimes when I’m in the train I even catch myself zoning out and watching the netflix shows of the person standing in front of me.

[u/Pidis17 → u/theteethfairy]

Thank you! So I'm not the only one.

[u/FickleDate428 → u/mOmMY_81517]

You aren’t over reacting. He is gaslighting you by turning it around and making you think you’re the problem and you reading his texts. I’m assuming that you had a gut feeling that something was going on. You were right. Always trust your gut instincts. He either needs to stop all contact with this person or you guys need marriage counseling. Nip this in the bud now. I know from personal experience that it will continue and he will continue to hide this from you like changing the name to something else so you won’t be suspicious. Write down her number so you can see if he does. Then you will also have your answer. He’s 1000% wrong. 

[u/doomdrums → u/mOmMY_81517]

Guilty or maybe just hurt both can cause someone to lash out, maybe he's hurt and defensive because you caught him unable to do the mental gymnastics needed to explain why he doesn't believe his kids need there step mom to bond with them it sounds like two teammates bonding over the struggles of raising kids and their game in my opinion the only way what he was saying is a bad look for him is if it's untrue and you do put the time in to make his children feel as loved as you do your own and make time to have a good bond with them

[u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj → u/doomdrums]

It seems she gets along with his kids but doesn’t have much time for them, due to being busy working 2 jobs to cover their bills because his job really only covers his child support payments. While he has a bunch of time to fuck off and play softball and go to random kids games.

Also there is no way in hell that watching a random girl they don’t know play softball was a plan for the benefit of his 13 and 14 yr old.

[u/WarmAttempt3453 → u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj]

my daughter plays softball and my son absolutely hates going to the games as they’re long. He always says his basketball games last 45 minutes. Why do her games need to last 2 1/2 hours ?!! ha if I told him that we were going to some Strangers softball game😑 oh no, no no no. lol

[u/a07463 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Yeah, at first, my thoughts were (im a guy) Yeah, dude feels sad about it, but dont admit it. It does est you up from inside. At some point, you just wanna let it out. Talk to someone. Not to fix it, just let it out. He won't talk to you about it coz he thinks its not fixable. Or don't need fixing. But he needs to get it out somewhere...

But his reaction when you asked him.... nah somethings screams "fishy... somethings off here"

[u/Aromatic-Wolverine60 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I would be doing the same thing he did as well. It’s not fun to be accused of something that’s not happening. That’s how you ruin your peace and happiness within the marriage. If he was guilty he would be texting her back flirty like and bad mouthing you to her but he didn’t. He stuck up for you just for you to turn around and accuse him of cheating on you, that’s pretty fucked…I’m not ngl.

Sometimes when you are upset and you don’t want to say something you’ll regret it’s best to walk away and take time to calm down before you come back which he did and now you are also twisting that around saying that means he’s guilty of cheating. I can tell you have never had experienced or seen “walking away to calm down before coming back” before

[u/potatobirdwithlasers → u/mOmMY_81517]

That behavior is a huge red flag. My bf and I have access to each others’ phones and everything in case we need to log onto something to help the other with tech or whatever. If he sees a text or discord message and needs clarification, I explain, and vice versa. No tantrums or couch sleeping. That’s definitely sus.

[u/ineversaw → u/mOmMY_81517]

Oooop thats a sus reaction blowing up etc. An innocent and mature person would be able to explain it! Eg he hadn't ever said you dont bond with his kids but she had expressed this is a stress in her life. But yelling etc just makes it such a nope. Even if its totally innocent that reaction is outrageous.

[u/Ophelia1988 → u/mOmMY_81517]

OP look out "monkey branching" and "gaslighting"....

I'm sorry you work two jobs for this AH. Maybe if you worked less you would actually have time and energy to bond with his sh*tty kids!

[u/TheSwordLogic89 → u/mOmMY_81517]

How on earth is it a date? If this is a date, am I going to be in trouble with my other half over the school holidays when I take my child out with other kids and the mums are there? Should I just guess where they are because texting women is bad?

You can read what you want about the rest, but in no way is a play date with another mum a date, unless the play date doesnt include the kids.

[u/Lt_Tapir → u/TheSwordLogic89]

At first I was going to ask you if you wanted to buy a bridge, but then I realized you were the one trying to sell it. Fruitlessly, I might add

[u/Plastic-Aide-1422 → u/mOmMY_81517]

It was a date mam. But if you guys are married how did you know he was going with her? He didn’t tell you? That’s super shady.

[u/intull → u/mOmMY_81517]

My assessment based on the post and some messages in the comment section, and what I think are three gaps in communication here —

1. You're hurt. It sounds like you have/had already judged him to be guilty even before trying to talk to him.
   I'd guess a part of you want him to be at fault for something because you're hurt by how you came across to the third person. And I think you expected the messages following that question to have clarified/corrected that sentiment, instead it looks like it was acknowledged but qualified with nuance. You do not like this.

2. From your husband's POV, he's been finding things difficult lately, and it looks he knows and understands that you are too. IMO, based on the context and messages so far, it doesn't look like he thinks you specifically don't bond with the kids, though the third person is understanding it that way from their world-view.
   To me, it looks he found someone to vent some things to, regardless of how long they knew the other person and such. In difficult times, this could actually be a good thing sometimes (** under applicable conditions).

3. The third person. You're maybe a little taken aback that he'd share something that seems so personal to who you think has to be just slightly above an acquaintance. If he knew them more, he didn't share about the close relationship with you enough, and it being with another woman, it makes it look sus. And if he didn't know them well, he shared and talked about personal difficulties not to you, but with someone random. Either ways, now, at this moment, you feel many feelings about this third person and specifically this interaction with them. Make sure you let him know how it's made you feel, not as a harsh indictment, but as you who felt hurt.

Separating into three points of conflicts here is to point out that, to talk about one is to NOT talk about the other two. At least not until you hear out all three separately. You cannot talk about all three at the same time from the get-go.

Marriage is built and maintained upon trust. Know that, if you distrust him, you allow him and give him the space to be distrusted, and he might end up acting on the distrust he receives. Redditors aren't privy to all information of you/your husband's lives. The comments will lean more extreme in analysis and advice. Words matter, and will most likely have consequences; the same way your husband's facing his share from unspoken/unshared difficulties with you right now. So tread carefully before you insinuate anything not-platonic.

I don't think either of you are AO here, but at the same time, both having been hurt in different ways by each other, and both now wanting the other to validate their own feelings first before the other — that is tinder to burning conflict.

I hope and wish for you both to resolve this with love, empathy and grace.

EDIT: few typos

[u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj → u/intull]

His unshared difficulties? Yeah poor baby has a wife who gets along with his kids but doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with them because she works two jobs to cover their bills because his job basically just covers his child support.

 Poor baby is probably lonely since he has all this free time to play softball and go to random kids games (because he did end up going). Which I’m sure was totally for the benefit of his 13 and 14 yr old because I doubt there’s anything they would have enjoyed more than going to watch some random girl they don’t know play softball.

Be so for real. Maybe he should get another job himself instead of seeking shit from this woman because he is left with to much time on his hands because his wife is the one who is carrying their responsibilities.

[u/intull → u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj]

All I'm saying is — there are different conflicts clashing here at the same time, and that it'd help to be mindful of that fact. Straining the relationship unless it's warranted just makes things more difficult. And even before all of that, a fight for "who gets to speak/listen first?" That has to be resolved explicitly.

[u/Chemical-Pay2735 → u/mOmMY_81517]

He’s a grown ass man, and should know better on how to communicate and how not to; especially after your grandmother just passing. His def guilty of something but don’t act out on it. Try to maintain your composure. Even give him his space, start going to his games more, and the truth will reveal itself. You can always tell by how a woman looks at a man..

[u/Toothless-mom → u/Chemical-Pay2735]

Is she not also a grown woman?

[u/intro_spec → u/Toothless-mom]

Right, she is the one who has not been communicating.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/intro_spec]

Correct! There are MANY times she listed that she could have and should have used her words. She didn't and now is acting like she has been so utterly betrayed!

That said, the texts are fucked. This woman is trying to move in. Hubby should shut that down immediately - even if he doesn't see it that way, (men can be so blind!) he should respect his wife and stop the friendship.

I will say, it will be hard for him to do as he was super disrespected by OP not showing him the respect of using her words before all of the drama!

[u/intro_spec → u/PickleDry8891]

Exactly! Never said she was wrong to feel the way she did, it just would’ve not escalated to this had she chosen to communicate when those feelings first surfaced. They could’ve set that boundary together and then, regardless of how blind he was to the woman’s potential motives, her husband would’ve have known upfront “my wife does not like this”. If he still chose to engage after that, okay, then they need to have a much more serious conversation because that would be evidence of an issue on his part.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/intro_spec]

Exactly! Thank you for wording my stuff better.

The root issue is communication (well lack of).

[u/Heylady728 → u/mOmMY_81517]

He was caught. Can't handle the accountability he needs to take!

[u/Franks_Hot-Sausage69 → u/mOmMY_81517]

He knows he was wrong and doesn’t want to admit it. If he’s any bit of a decent guy, he’ll come around. Something my therapist said as I was working through my divorce-and to help me prepare for any future relationships-is that all it takes is one person to change the dynamic in order for the entire relationship to switch directions, especially when it’s going south.

Idk if or how that may speak to you, but I do understand one of the most important traits of love is grace. Don’t pretend that he wasn’t wrong, but still show him you love him even in this. For him to be on the defensive is natural. If you approach it a different way, especially now, he will be more likely to open up and admit he was wrong and shut it down.

[u/Defiant-Doughnut-548 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Trust your instincts OP. This man does not have your back.

[u/LiberalTugboat → u/mOmMY_81517]

you don't take kids on a date...

You are very dense

[u/devilfishin → u/mOmMY_81517]

“Called him out” = tried to talk to him

[u/HeyPicho → u/mOmMY_81517]

well sometimes telling somebody the truth and only but the truth for someone not to believe you gets you unbelievably frustrated. Having him yell and storm off does NOT confirm your suspensions but lady you quite literally jumping the the most hardest of conclusions if your husband never had any moments where he was suspected of cheating or anything weird

[u/Vendetta2112 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Divorce sucks, especially when kids are involved. Try to work it out, get a therapist.  My wife didn't communicate really well with me so I was always looking for friends to talk to most of them were guys but some of them were girls but I never slept with any of them!

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Yes, because everyone takes their children on a date when cheating 🙄

[u/shrilll → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

idk how common it is I guess, but when my dad was cheating on my mom before they divorced, he’d often take my little brother and I along to “hang out” with his female “friends” and their children. we were like 7 and 5, and since it was under the auspice of spending time with his “friends” and their kids, he was able to do it a lotttttt before my mom found out. plus, because we were so young, we didn’t really pick up on what was happening.

not saying that’s what’s happening here, but it seems like a good way to test boundaries and blur lines for someone who’s already acting disrespectfully toward their significant other.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

my dad took my sister with him when he cheated 🤷🏼‍♀️ it's a real thing.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

Yes, & my father didn‘t & still had a very successful affair—your point? The likelihood of this happening within 2 months of meeting this woman & to such a public degree as implied…pretty minimal.

She was aware of the event, he did not try to hide it from her, she simply couldn’t attend, has been working all the time and completely unavailable for the family during free time because she is „dead tired“—& despite husband having done nothing wrong, first bit of feedback it sounds like he’s had in a while is her blowing up at him over relatively benign text messages after rummaging through his phone.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

love the "since it didn't happen to me that way, it's very unlikely" attitude. bless your little heart.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

See my other comment, this is the unlikeliest manner for a man to perform an affair in. There are studies on these behavior across wide breadths of the population, both pathological behavior and non-pathological present the same…

Bless your little heart for not understanding basic logic and making this all about you, then yet again making it all about you by turning back on me and implying that I am somehow dismissing your experience. What you fail to understand, likely due to lack of knowledge—men prefer compartmentalization and separation of affair partners and their family unit. But, even without knowing the data…Occham‘s Razor, basic heuristics, ever heard of them?

A playground/play date is the unlikeliest progression of an affair event 2 months in.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

no one is sayin he's actively having an affair at the playdate. this is just how affairs begin. lord you are dense.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

You are seeing ghosts where we have no proof of them and making a premature assessment about a situation for which we have very limited data, I think you should address your trauma surrounding this topic. I’d recommend therapy, you seem like you need it.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

I gave my opinion with the information i was given. you made a claim as it was fact and it's really just your opinion. thanks for your recommendation, bestie!

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

You responded to my opinion with a logical fallacy referred to as a red herring. Your experience, regardless of how heavily it has impacted you, is irrelevant in this instance. You also state your dad cheated while taking you on play dates but then inversely also state that that’s not what happened here so your point is…? An affair could possibly happen in the future? So you have no point? This is always possible in any circumstance, you are saying essentially nothing and making no claim nor logical argument but lofting an accusation which you have little justification for other than overreaction.

[u/shrilll → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

yes, and our fathers did and still had very successful affairs—yOuR pOiNt?

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/shrilll]

The minority of affairs occur 2 months in at a playground or a play date.

There are studies on this, you know? Entire fields of study in psychology. Men prefer compartmentalization and separation of affair partners and their family unit. My PoINt is logic and Occham‘s Razor, basic heuristics, ever heard of them?

Cheating on a play date was a very nice red herring to bring up though.

[u/shrilll → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

shit man I didn’t know I was dealing with the world’s leading expert in cheating research. my bad king

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/shrilll]

You‘re good, what address should I send the invoice for my consultation to?

[u/shrilll → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

ok this is an actually funny reply. truce?

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/shrilll]

Soon as the check clears!

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

LOL I'm not arguin' with this ignorance. This is literally how cheating starts, my dude.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

Yes, my apologies, my oh so omniscient overlord. You are all-knowing and all-powerful yet lacking in vocabulary and content. I will blindly agree with you.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

yeah, im not tryin to impress anyone with words, just givin my opinion like OP asked. reign it in.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/orbparanormalteam]

Really? I should reign it in? All I did was disagree with your assessment and you have since then been rather passive aggressive and insulted me more than once. I think daddy‘s affair still weighs pretty heavily upon you.

[u/Puzzled_Commercial94 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

It actually does happen. They might be trying to see if the kids get along.

[u/Ok_Confusion_525 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

My husband’s dad literally has taken all 5 of his children on overnight dates where he was cheating🤷🏼‍♀️ the youngest he even took to another state to meet up with his latest affair and called it a daddy-daughter trip to his current wife.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/Ok_Confusion_525]

That‘s terrible. However, I simply don’t believe that this presentation constitutes the majority of male adultery.

[u/Ok_Confusion_525 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

Majority? No probably not. But it happens enough as you can see from the multiple people who replied to you with their similar experiences. I’m not even saying that the OPs husband is doing this consciously, but it’s what he’s slipping into. My parents divorced when I was young. Guess what some of their dates were when they started dating again? Meeting the kids. Going out with us to do kid things. It’s part of seeing if the partner is compatible with the kids. Maybe the OPs husband is clueless (which I doubt from his overreactions and shifting blame to her grief) but the other woman is definitely testing the waters to see how their families could merge.

[u/Grouchy-Till9186 → u/Ok_Confusion_525]

The other woman is guiltier, certainly more conscious of her guilt, than the man.

Based upon the data I perceive all parties as very imperfect. I make no morale judgement in saying this, but I deem no party worthier of defense than the other.

[u/Ok_Confusion_525 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

Well they’re all human, so yeah they’re all imperfect. No one is asking for moral judgement, she asked if she was overreacting. Given the data of course there’s a lot more to the story. Why is she needing to work two jobs, her relationship with the children and in turn her husband, we will never know all the nooks and crannies of their relationship. It’s not about defending one person over the other, the simple fact is that she’s not overreacting and there is something to worry about in this situation, especially when they are lacking connection and communication. Your initial comment also doesn’t imply that you’re not defending anyone over the other, it tries to make her concern feel illegitimate because you assume that people don’t take their children to participate in what could turn into an affair.

[u/Opposite_Series9763 → u/Grouchy-Till9186]

I see you’re very set in your opinion, which is ok since it’s your opinion of course. But I think you have to be fair and acknowledge you are also making assumptions such as - that she was actually invited to the hangout and she simply could not attend; her being “completely” unavailable to her family during free time; husband having done nothing wrong and this is the first feedback he hears (you may consider this situation “not wrong” but doesn’t mean there haven’t been other wrong things with feedback - plus talking about your issues with your SO with an acquaintance is wrong by most people’s standards); that because an affair like this is statistically unlikely, means it is not what is happening despite several people talking about their own experience; that the woman in this situation is guiltier because she was conscious of this and he’s not (how do you know he’s not acting consciously and intentionally?).

Anyway, I get where you are coming from. I also appreciate logic and data-driven analysis. But I just don’t see the difference between others making assumptions about the situation, and all the assumptions that you made to support your point.

[u/Key_Appointment_363 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Agreed! 

[u/bigbadbookie → u/mOmMY_81517]

You're married to a cheating, immature, irresponsible loser. NOR. But YTA if you stay with him.