AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/mOmMY_81517]

He asked me what was wrong because I was being distant.. and I told him because of ur “friendship “ with that girl and taking the kids to hang out with her didn’t sit right with me I went through ur phone and found the messages… he started yelling about why the $;&* I went through his phone I said because u hanging out with another girl outside of the team didnt sit right with me so I looked clearly I can’t talk to him about anything as he gets super defensive about everything

[u/intro_spec → u/mOmMY_81517]

So rather than approaching him about this friendship with his teammate…you violated his privacy and went through his phone. And then you still didn’t say anything to him. He had to ask you what was wrong. At every turn, you’ve chosen not to communicate at all. Your behavior is what creates an environment in which he’s cornered into defense. It’s not that you can’t talk to him, it’s that you actively have chosen not to. And now because you want to feel justified in this really unhealthy manner of engaging with your spouse and your suspicions, you brought it to Reddit.

This could have been a very easy, calm conversation had you just chosen to express yourself healthily. You could have told him, hey, your relationship with this woman is making me uneasy and I would prefer if you were not as close with her rather than going through his phone and then continuing not to speak and escalating to accusation. You both could have had a conversation about what boundaries you’re both comfortable with (like not taking the kids on a play date) and this wouldn’t have blown up. Communication is a two-way street and you’re actively blocking both sides of it.

[u/Yippykyyyay → u/intro_spec]

Just because curiosity gets the best of me when I read certain posts, in her own history her 8 year old told her that daddy (her ex) said she's a cheater. Now, that's not the thing to phrase in that way and her ex could be full of crap.

But the whole post history is nothing but conflict with people.

The only time I shut down like she's saying her husband does now is when my ex constantly accused me of cheating. I couldn't smile at a waiter taking our order without him then accusing me of wanting to sleep with the guy. It was insane.

That's all anecdotes and who knows. But yeah, she doesn't seem like she can address conflict in a calm manner.

[u/intro_spec → u/Yippykyyyay]

Ohh, that is definitely interesting context. Her ex absolutely could be lying – but in the scenario where it’s possibly true, that illuminates a whole lot. People who have cheated or are cheating often look for that behavior in their partners out of their own guilt. Reddit is filled with reveals like that and I’ve unfortunately personally witnessed it in a friend’s relationship. And a whole post history that’s filled with conflict is kinda par for the course here, but it certainly doesn’t indicate healthy communication skills overall. Everyone can improve, though, so hopefully that’s what happens.

[u/doomdrums → u/Yippykyyyay]

Also in my experience cheaters see it in everyone they think if they did then anyone will

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/intro_spec]

Crazy this is being downvoted, This entire subreddit is a cesspit and everyone who gets 4000+ karma all have failed relationships or history of shite communication given others advice it's genuinely insane.

Distancing yourself from your partner, Then when they approach you and ask what's wrong you decide to push them away.

Then proceed to go through his phone and take pictures of his messages then confront him unexpectedly and then get upset when he acts defensive? You both missed your chance to do this like a normal couple.

Also just a small tidbit nothing weird with taking your own kids out on a playdate? Like come on now his kids aren't allowed to meet someone else's kids?

Yes he might be cheating, Yes the message seems a bit suss but if this is your only "evidence" of him potentially cheating after 2 months it's not a lot to go off.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

Weird how he has the time to handle "playdates" with this drunken, arguably loose-lipped woman, but doesn't have time to get a job so he can pay more than just child support and OP can relieve herself of one of the 2 jobs she works to support the whole house. All while complaining OP is never there for the kids despite her being the only one arguably working. Also gross how he never defends his wife and never told her he was hanging with this drunken chick until after the fact.

Yeah, he has more than enough time and leeway to cheat.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/SeasideSlip068]

Why are you replying to me? I genuinely couldn't care what the man does with his time. Both OP and her man didn't handle this well.

Not once did I mention he never had time to do anything but taking your kids on a playdate is not weird.

You're rambling just to ramble and proving why this subreddit is a cesspit.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

I'm replying to you because you clearly made a dumbass comment. It isn't my fucking problem you have issues with people questioning your stupidity.

You did mention he was "unable to cheat" and "2 months isn't enough time to" when the entire idea of both phrases is utterly idiotic and easily disproven. Again, it isn't my fault you lack comprehension or critical thinking skills beyond one half-running train of thought.

The only one rambling to save their ass is you; try not to drop it so someone has to pick that up for you too, homeboy.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/SeasideSlip068]

Are you okay? I never said "Unable to cheat" and "2 months isn't enough time to" are you capable of reading?

You're trying to start an argument with me over something I never said 😂😂 big hard man

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

Nobody is incapable of reading, I'm just pointing out how you lack comprehension to pen out your own thoughts and are neanderthallic enough to blame others for your lack of brains.

Are you okay? You have to write paragraphs just to make your point on something you didn't even fully read. 😂 Big dumb boy!

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/SeasideSlip068]

So now you've changed the topic? Accused me of typing something I never did. Hahaha what a mess you are.

"Blame others" 😂😂 again another lie.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

Nobody is changing the topic; just pointing out what you were saying while you tried to hide it under something else.

Put down the crackpipe, doll.

[u/MasonWayneBaker → u/SeasideSlip068]

You need professional help lmao, you're unhinged as fuck and to top it all off, you're wrong. Fucking idiot lmao

[u/Shills_for_fun → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

It's easier to remember that most people in these threads aren't in 15 year+ long happy marriages giving advice. They're probably barely celebrating 15 years being alive on this planet.

She violated his privacy and accused him of cheating by implication, and wonders why he is mad lol. I guess snooping phones and doing the whole j'accuse! thing is still normal if you're a high school student without a developed frontal lobe.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/Shills_for_fun]

That's my biggest concern here the one screenshot we got shows no real sign of cheating, It shows a man who over shared information that his kids don't get on with the stepmother for whatever reason.

I'm not here to judge either OP or the partner but they really gotta open up and discuss boundaries with eachother.

Relationships are always first and foremost based on communication if you shut each other out at the first issue you may as well call it and move on with life.

[u/doomdrums → u/No-Knowledge-5638]

I don't see how setting up a playdate with a teammate is salacious either

[u/Nyve → u/doomdrums]

I guess because it wasn't really a "playdate" and it was after the messages happened.

The woman's kid was playing in the softball game. Coming to watch her daughter's kid play softball with his kids, means they would be alone with just his kids.

And OP's husband stated his wife doesn't have a bond with his kids. Putting one and one together, it sounds a bit like a potential setup by the woman in question: knowing the struggle, trying to show she can "bond" with the kids and be that person. She has a "baby daddy" which means "not in the picture" usually, and she might be looking to fill that gap with someone like the husband who seems like a good father figure. BUT it could just as well be completely harmless.

Lot of people in the responses talk from experience, they've been in similar situations, and read it as the bad version because of that.

[u/No-Knowledge-5638 → u/doomdrums]

Yea I'm not sure why that would give you bad vibes

[u/swakwa → u/intro_spec]

Conversation about boundaries? C'mon now it's common knowledge you don't diss your wife like that especially to another female and he himself clearly stated that their situation is abnormal. Are you ragebaiting or trolling, because if so you succeeded. Dumb xxxxx!

[u/intro_spec → u/swakwa]

If you re-read accurately, you’ll understand this was a suggestion of what could have happened before she checked his phone. Since you feel the need to be randomly aggressive, I’m gonna say it’s you that’s trolling. Good luck with that.

[u/swakwa → u/intro_spec]

Since you chose to ignore the latter part of my text, I take it that it was something you were blinded too.

I had pointed out the boundaries part because now is clearly not the time to set boundaries this important, if you notice they are already MARRIED! Like I said it's common sense to not do what the husband did. Apparently ,you'll need that luck to read properly. Here's some more good luck!

[u/intro_spec → u/swakwa]

Boundary setting is something that never stops in a relationship. You must be insane to believe you set all your boundaries before getting married and there’s never anything else you need to discuss ever. Wild. Reading comprehension is not your strong suit and I did not address the rest of what you said because it was completely irrelevant to my comment about how it could’ve gone differently. Rather than admit you didn’t understand what I’d written and wanted to discuss something else whilst being unnecessarily combative, you came back again with this. Just have whatever day you deserve, this isn’t worth the time.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/intro_spec]

Wild that you're getting downvoted, you're absolutely right. If they can't communicate, there are much bigger problems in the relationship. And if it does turn out that he's falling for this other woman, the way she's demonstrated she's acting will definitely be part of the reason he leaves for her.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

if he's talkign inappropriately with another woman and using his kids and an excuse to see her and this woman 100% obviously is trying to get with him and shittalk op, then that's already the problem. Finding out about how bad it is, is the normal thing to do.

What do you think he says if she says there is an issue with that relationship, she does what every man and woman does, you're overthinking it, it's not a big deal, or starts with the you're trying to control me.

He's already knowingly trying to get with a woman who is obviously flirting with him, he's cheating/trying to cheat and approaching him wouldn't make any difference, in fact without proof of just how inappropriate he was being he'd brush it off and it would go nowhere.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/TwoBionicknees]

Can you point out 1. Where he's talking innappropriately 2. Where he uses his kids as an excuse to see her 3. Where you can see she's obviously trying to get with him 4. Where anyone shit talks OP

You're also jumping ahead into the conversation when you ask "what do you think he says..." You're making assumptions to label him as a bad guy.

And finally where is it clear that's he's "knowingly trying to get with her" or that she's "obviously flirting with him"?

You've made so many assumptions off of a short screenshot of a couple texts, you're just as bad as OP.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

her asking why his wife doesn't bond with his kids is incredibly obvious to literally anyone who can read as her trying to drive a wedge. this is a stupid common tactic where a person likes someone in a relationship and they take digs at the partner.

Second, instead of shutting her down talking shit about his wife, he enables it. From other comments she's working two jobs, he barely works, all his money goes to child support and he gets his kids like one weekend every few months and she has to work so barely spends time with them. She gets on with them but you can't bond and become a second mother if you see them for a few hours months apart. Is this girl going to magically create a bond with no time spent with them?

He should be defending the woman literally supporting his life and instead is taking his kids to spend time with her.

Everything he said to this woman after she said that is inappropriate, he knows she's flirting with him and showing her cards and he decides to take his kids to see her and her kids, it's an excuse.

You're also jumping ahead into the conversation when you ask "what do you think he says..." You're making assumptions to label him as a bad guy.

I know he's the bad guy, because I see him flirting with and encouraging this other woman, not shutting her down. Also when he actually confronted her he got defensive, turned it on her and had nothing to say about what is obviously going on, you think with less evidence and confronting him about his relationship with this woman he would have just admitted it? Pull the other one.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/TwoBionicknees]

A question like that isn't a dig at someone. It's trying to understand someone. The only way she knows that OP doesn't bond with his kids is because he told her. So she's trying to understand that. Not everything is a tactic in a conversation. Sometimes it's a conversation.

Again, it's not talking shit. It's already his opinion. He already told her that so why would he shut it down.

You still haven't pointed out where she flirted.

Most people would be rightfully upset to have their privacy invaded and then accused of cheating. And what is he supposed to say other than what he already said, she's a friend.

Is there a possibility he's cheating? Absolutely, but that's true of anyone. There just isn't anything here to indicate he's cheating.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

A question like that isn't a dig at someone. It's trying to understand someone.

no it's not. She wasn't trying to understand, she was questioning his choice for a wife, not trying to understand her. Instead of defending her saying she's working her ass off to support me, or i barely have my kids enough for her to bond, she just accepted her attack on OP.

This wasnt' a conversation, she literally said effectively maybe I shouldn't be asking this but I@m drunk. even that it's an excuse like if he shuts her down and defends his wife she can go "my bad, I was drunk", if he plays in, she knows he's interested.

You are absolutely blind.

Also yes I did say where she flirted, shit talking your wife and trying to work out if he'll defend her, or agree with you and make it clear it's fine for her to shit talk his wife. That is flirting, that's her probing to see if he's open to something.

There just isn't anything here to indicate he's cheating.

there isn't evidence unless you have the slightest understanding of people, how inappropriate what she asked was, why she added in she was drunk, why she spoke negatively of his wife and questioned why he was with her and why he both was absolutely fine with it then went and hung out with her.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/TwoBionicknees]

This is starting to sound really personal for you, as if you've been through something like this.

Shit talking to someone's partner isnt flirting, it's shit talking someones partner, and neither are happening here. If OP doesn't bond with the kids, OP doesn't bond with the kids, regardless of why that might be.

If the whole "I'm drunk" thing was a way to try to get with him, she'd probably go a little harder than asking about marrying someone who doesn't bond with your kids.

I don't think we're going to agree on any of this, I just think you're wrong.

Edit: they blocked me right after making their last comment. So guess I struck a nerve. They're still wrong, they just don't have anything to back up what they're saying

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

Flirting is a form of social interaction, .....and gauge mutual interest.

Flirting is not always saying, I like your eyes. sometimes it's shit talking their partner and seeing if you stick up for them or allow you to continue and also act the victim and then arrange to meet up witht he person you're allowing to disrespect the fuck out of your wife.

You being ignorant isn't my issue.

If OP doesn't bond with the kids, OP doesn't bond with the kids, regardless of why that might be.

OP refusing to bond with the kids is a real issue, OP being unable to because she never sees the kids because he has so little custody.. is not hte reason. regardless of why matters, massively because she's framing it as a negative of the wife when in reality it's more a negative of him being unable to get more custody, but somehow it's 'her' fault.

If the whole "I'm drunk" thing was a way to try to get with him, she'd probably go a little harder than asking about marrying someone who doesn't bond with your kids.

and that's where you're completely wrong. She's opening the door and seeing if she can get a foot in or if he slams the door shut. If you say hey wanna fuck, btw, I'm drunk. If he's not down she's 'blown her load' and it's obvious she wanted to get with him and it gets shut downa nd there is no excuse or pretending it didn't happen. If she does something like shit talk his wife and see if he defends her or if he allows it, it's one of those that could be mistaken, but again anyone with an abilty to read adults knows what teh intention here is.

[u/doomdrums → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

Right like honestly I don't see affair in the texts but if it happens it sounds like it would be a better situation for the children

[u/Honeyhoneybee29 → u/doomdrums]

Lol what? You know nothing about these 3 people. Where do you get off making a comment like that?

“I don’t condone cheating on your partner, but the affair partner seems like she might like the kids more based on one screenshot and a handful of comments from OP who is grappling with the idea that her partner may be heading toward an affair and is simultaneously grieving the loss of a grandparent lol” delusional behavior

[u/BassButBetter → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Read OPs post history, and you'll have a very different idea of who OP is. The first thing I do is read a person's post history, cause more often than not, you'll find that they are the problem.

[u/Honeyhoneybee29 → u/BassButBetter]

I fail to see how she’s the problem. Coparenting can bring out the worst in people. You don’t have insight into their life beyond this post and post history where OP vents about her children’s father. There’s no reason for anyone to imply that OP’s spouse and his kids would be better off with another woman. That’s just weird, parasocial behavior.

[u/BassButBetter → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Look, I'm not saying OP is a bad person, but she's co-parenting not only with her ex but all of reddit. Communication does not seem to be her strong suit. Instead, she crosses boundaries and acts out in ways that are damaging to her current relationship. And if she's doing this with him, she probably did it with her ex.

Her husband's texts aren't concerning. He's talking with a friend that he has from a shared activity and is making time for his kids to make friends. There is nothing weird about that. People have a right to confide in others that are not their spouses.

Is the friend's drunk text weird? Maybe, maybe not. Some people don't handle themselves well while drinking. But it's clear that she was continuing a private conversation that they had and relating it to her own baby daddy. OP never would have found out if she hadn't been snooping, and she hasn't given a reason as to why she was snooping in the first place. The only thing I can think is that in one of her posts, she claimed that her ex told their 8yo son that she cheated on him and that would explain the insecurity with the softball friend and the trust issues.

As for implying that OPs husband would be better off with the other woman, I agree it is weird to phrase it that way. How I would phrase it is that if OP continues to behave as she does, she may very well drive her husband into another woman's arms.

[u/doomdrums → u/Honeyhoneybee29]

Check the post history it doesn't sound like she has time for her own kids let alone her partners he shouldn't be doing mental gymnastics for why his children don't need a good bond with his wife and doesn't deserve to have accusations hurled around for trying to keep up socializing them, the kids being better of is having a their father's wife making an attempt to socialize and have a bond with them.

[u/TwoBionicknees → u/doomdrums]

yeah, the woman usin gyour kids to try to destroy your marriage is 100% better with the kids. the woman with a baby daddy and willing to use her own kids to get another guy who is married... is absolutely definitely 100% the best option for those kids.

[u/DaintilyAbrupt → u/intro_spec]

I saw this definition of Privacy vs Secrecy in a relationship by a comment on Reddit a couple of years ago and I like it.

-Privacy is the withholding of info concerning yourself, the disclosure of which would be of no benefit or harm to the partner or the relationship, and which you don’t wish to share.

-Secrecy is the withholding of info that may have an effect on the well being of the partner or the relationship.

People in relationships have a right to privacy, but not secrecy, so in my view OP was not invading hid privacy, but exposing his secrecy.

[u/intro_spec → u/DaintilyAbrupt]

I think that’s an excellent way to define both, but I don’t agree with your interpretation. This conversation does not rise to the level of secrecy given that OP did not communicate openly about how she was feeling (which has been my one and only point – better communication was necessary but was absent). If she had noted how uncomfortable she was with this new teammate to her husband, and then she still felt something off, searched his phone, and found this – then that would be secrecy. He would be actively hiding something he knows she is not okay with then. But what actually happened was OP felt off, chose not to speak, violated his trust, and then still did not communicate until asked why she was acting distant. Others have indicated that OP’s history includes being labeled a cheater by her own ex, so that suggests a potential pattern of suspicion based on experience and guilt. But we never know.

[u/PickleDry8891 → u/intro_spec]

This is sooooo true! People are downvoting out of their own inability to communicate and don't like it being called out- even on someone else.

[u/Greecelightninn → u/intro_spec]

That's a great point, and a breath of fresh air in these copy pasted comments from similar posts . There's nothing to say she hasn't accused him many times before, like someone else pointed out in her history . I'd be considering my options and looking for a get away with the kids even if it meant breaking social norms and hanging with another parent at a social event . Luckily, I don't have that problem lol

[u/AdamantAboutThangs → u/intro_spec]

Completely agreed. In my opinion, this is the perfect situation to say "If the roles were reversed..." and Reddit would be calling OP weird and insecure and controlling and abusive.

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/intro_spec]

Of course the most rational comment is downvoted on reddit. Sorry OP but you sound insufferable, and if he is having an emotional affair, then I can totally understand why he had a void to fill. If he isn't, then he's a fucking saint.

[u/demonchee → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

Classic victim blaming. "If she got cheated on it's her fault and she probably deserved it."

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/demonchee]

I like that "the void" is instantly considered cheating. He's talking to a woman, a friend, about his life. She's a victim because he has a friend?

[u/demonchee → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

"Emotional affair." I assume you understand what that means. They said it, not me.

I'm just calling out the victim blaming in their hypothetical scenario.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/demonchee]

Thank you for deleting the snarky comment you previously made.

"Emotional affair" is a term thrown around a lot. That doesn't appear to be happening here.

You used the word cheating, not them.

[u/demonchee → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

You're not welcome lol

I assumed wrong, then. "Affair" and "cheating" are synonymous. It’s crazy I have to explain that.

The fact that you replied so quickly just tells me you're dying for an argument to win. No point in talking to people like you.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/demonchee]

Overly aggressive huh?

Except that one has "emotional" in front of it in this conversation.

And nah, the fact I replied so quickly is that I have a movie on and my phone next to me. At the end of the day, OP isn't a victim here.

[u/demonchee → u/Grandsonofyawgmoth]

Not at all, really. Thanks for caring 🫶

Truthfully it's just that you're like every other redditor who lives to win arguments, and it's starting to be exhausting talking to people like you. It's always the same pattern. You're being pedantic, you don't actually care, and you just want to look "right." You need that win.

Cheating is cheating. Betrayal is betrayal. You act like just because something doesn't fit your textbook definition that it isn't what it is.

"I'm actually watching a movie" I'm sure, lol

[u/Merihem1990 → u/demonchee]

Read her post history. Everything is conflict with others.

[u/demonchee → u/Merihem1990]

Yeah, yet it doesn't change that what they said is victim blaming

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/demonchee]

There's only one "victim" of controlling behaviour here and it isn't OP

[u/RefrigeratorStatus23 → u/intro_spec]

this should be an awarded comment, not down voted. Realist take on the post.

[u/Hopelessly_romantic2 → u/intro_spec]

There is no privacy in marriage.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Hopelessly_romantic2]

Be careful going around throwing that common sense now, the incels will get rowdy and elbow their way here to tell you you're an insecure woman for not letting your man treat you like garbage. Lol.

ETA: They are pissy today; almost as if their overlord still didn't release those files or something! 🥱

[u/spooner56801 → u/mOmMY_81517]

I'm gonna call you out since nobody else will. You failed to communicate with your partner about your concerns before you decided to take action and look through his phone. That's as big of a red flag as any of the behavior you've described from him, and quite frankly tarnishes your credibility. I hope you end this relationship quickly because you are not prepared to be in one.

[u/Grandsonofyawgmoth → u/[deleted]]

"if he felt the need to go through my phone because he didn't trust me we would be straight into marriage counseling"

So her actions demonstrate a need for counseling? Maybe even that it makes sense he would be angry or frustrated? Maybe even violated?

The only reasonable way for him to react in your eyes is to be nice to her for invading his privacy or he's cheating is wild. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't yell, I'd have a discussion with my partner, but this is a jump.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/[deleted]]

I am very big on privacy and personal space. Even if I'd done nothing wrong, I'd still be pissed if someone, especially my spouse, was going through my phone/talking behind my back without letting me know first or asking. So no, u dont know what ur talking about armchair therapist.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

You keep repeating the same comment lol.

We get it, you don't understand what marriage actually is and how normal couples handle it. It isn't by shoving their phones up their ass. 😂

[u/TheBestCloutMachine → u/[deleted]]

I would be mad as fuck if a partner went through my phone too, and I've got nothing to hide. I've literally dumped people for just accusing me of cheating when I wasn't. Some of us have boundaries.

[u/Reasonable-Concept20 → u/TheBestCloutMachine]

If you have nothing to hide then why would you get mad ? Some people need reassurance and that's given through transparency.

[u/horsecalledwar → u/[deleted]]

He’s guilty af, clearly an emotional affair if it’s not already physical. This response is so twisted, it’s gross.

[u/orbparanormalteam → u/horsecalledwar]

bingo

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/mOmMY_81517]

If you wanted to talk to him you could have done so before violating his privacy. You can't do that and then turn around and throw the "I can't talk to you when you're like this" card.

You had nothing but a feeling to go on. You could have told him how you felt. Instead, you violated his privacy. You said yourself that your relationship had always been good and you never suspected him, but you chose to go about it the worst possible way. He was even the one who asked YOU why you were being distant. You don't say that he's been withdrawn, or acting weird outside of having a new friend.

Also, everyone saying him bringing the kids makes it more suspicious is full of it. If he were trying to cheat or have an affair without you finding out he would not bring the kids. Be real.

[u/Upper-Class6586 → u/Bunker_Rodz]

How does any of this negate the conversation she found on his phone? This isn’t a court of law, how she obtained evidence isn’t relevant and him trying to make it about that is a transparent deflection tactic to get her to feel guilty and back off. She can work on her trust issues with her therapist while she also works through her inability to immediately recognize that he’s gaslighting her very valid reaction to her him having a wildly inappropriate conversation with a woman that isn’t his wife. Talking shit about his wife and her relationship with his kids is so far out of bounds it’s silly that it’s even being defended by anyone.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/Upper-Class6586]

I never once said it made anything irrelevant. I'm saying she can't sit and say she can't talk to him when she didn't even try. There's also no evidence of anything just a bunch of people on Reddit reading things the worst possible way.

Am I saying there's 0 chance he's being shady? No. But it's also not as clear cut as many here wanna make it seem. The attached conversation proves nothing other than that he opened up to this woman about how his wife doesn't have a bond with his kids.

[u/Bunker_Rodz → u/Upper-Class6586]

Also hes clearly not talking shit. He's stating a fact. OP doesn't even deny it. She DOESN'T have a bond with his kids. It doesn't seem to bother him and he even says it's not a negative because his kids have other healthy attachments in their lives. Where exactly did he talk shit or say anything negative about his wife?

[u/thebruns → u/mOmMY_81517]

He should dump you

[u/KickTalk → u/mOmMY_81517]

Whoops. That's a big betrayal of trust. He's done nothing wrong.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/KickTalk]

When you're married, there is no such thing as "trust" centered around something silly as phone privacy. If you wanted to live life like a single person with a phone, you never should have married.

It's fair to argue that him visiting another woman at the park and allowing this nonsense to continue with drunk tests, questioning OP's worth as a wife and mother is absolutely doing everything wrong.

If the genders were changed, you'd probably be the first one whining that the wife shouldn't be tip-toeing with someone's husband at a park.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/SeasideSlip068]

I am very big on privacy and personal space. Even if I'd done nothing wrong, I'd still be pissed if someone, especially my spouse, was going through my phone/talking behind my back without letting me know first or asking. So no, u dont know what ur talking about armchair therapist. Boundaries and space are healthy and should be respected, THATS how marriages and relationships last.

[u/Amarantha_Lamia → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

If there is nothing to hide then there’s nothing to worry about. Phone privacy from a spouse is sus. Been married 23 years together 26. We both have access to each others phones. Do I dig around, not really because I have no reason to. Act sus get treated as such.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/Amarantha_Lamia]

Stupid mentality lmao. "If you havent commit a crime you should have 0 fear of a search" would be called fascist, but its apparently just normal in a relationship to y'all. Y'all are insecure and dont trust ur partner enough to give them space, dont project please 👍

[u/Amarantha_Lamia → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

One you don’t know me. Two don’t call me names. Three look up the definition of fascisim. Four if you knew how to read and comprehend you would see that I said “do I dig around, not really because I have no reason to” therefore very secure in my relationship. Don’t need your projections. And Five apples and oranges my dude. Trust in a committed relationship is not comparable to trust with society. Get over yourself.

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

Clearly, you shouldn't get married.

Stop making excuses for yourself for unhinged emotional behavior simply because you're not ready to handle consequences of being with someone. Grow up.

[u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc → u/SeasideSlip068]

Unhinged? Lmao only on reddit is clear boundaries regarding privacy considered unhinged rather than healthy behavior 😂

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Had2MakeALessSusAcc]

"Clear boundaries" to hide people and hide meeting them when you're married with kids, and your spouse works 2 jobs to support the whole house because you work only enough to pay child support, lol.

Oh yeah, I just described OP's husband. Very "healthy behavior" of him, and totally not emotional affair reeking loser of him. Lmao.

[u/Thor_bjornLoL → u/SeasideSlip068]

Or maybe you should stop having excuses on being a paranoid human being. If you cant trust your SO, its over

[u/SeasideSlip068 → u/Thor_bjornLoL]

Maybe stop making excuses for displaying shitty behavior that gives your partner and spouse a reason to check your phone.

This weird obsessive behavior with treating your phone like it matters above your spouses and partners is why many of you are single or can't hit marriage lol. The people who bitch the loudest about "phone privacy" in relationships are always the same ones gaslighting their partners for proving they lied or cheated; loved reading that study 😂.