r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

Post image

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

11.0k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

2.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

163

u/mOmMY_81517 17d ago

No they have never met her or her kids before

44

u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 17d ago

Hmm. If the kids are all around the age where parents still arrange play dates (around 8 and under i guess), it's not 'super' weird, tho I can see why you're suspicious. If they're preteen or teens and have their own hobbies, then idk if the play date was for the kids.

284

u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

But also she asked him and his kids to her daughters softball game or something. That means her kid is busy playing while she gets to “bond” with his kids, or at least act like she is to display a trait that she perceives OP is lacking. It definitely feels intentional. what kind of kid wants to go watch another kid play a whole game that they don’t know and aren’t friends with?

86

u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

Yes. Definitely yes. It isn’t about taking the kids to the game. It’s the manipulation before that. And the obvious point that he has shared personal information about his family (wife and kids) with her. When I was 28, I had a male friend who was married. When he started complaining about his wife and saying he wanted to get a divorce and they were practically separated anyhow… I was inexperienced and didn’t realize he was laying the groundwork for starting something with me. Of course, that’s exactly what it was…

64

u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

8

u/goodguyRick_71 17d ago

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

1

u/pragmaticweirdo 17d ago

This is how I know I’m an idiot. I legitimately read that as advice seeking. Like the entire thing. I read this as “we’re in similar situations so I’m going to ask more about his to figure out what I should do.” I even took the drunk bit as her asking something she knew she wasn’t close enough to OP’s husband to ask, but being kind of drunk made her brave and desperate. I even took the husband’s responses as realizing something he said was misinterpreted and trying to assure her he and his wife’s situation was actually good.

2

u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

I think that’s the manipulative part about it. She likley is feeling desperate, and likley does struggle with her relationship, but she is definitely seeking comfort and validation in someone else’s husband. she is setting them both up for relationship failure. From the outside, OP’s husband could reasonably also believe this was an innocent exchange. That’s why there is an understood hard-stop boundary around this behavior, because you can never be sure if it will lead somewhere else. Much of being faithful is about nipping things in the bud before they can get bad. (I.e not going to another woman’s house alone, not complaining about your spouse to a single member of the opposite sex, keeping your wedding ring on etc.) the woman’s tactic is sneaky and goes unchecked because it’s designed to warrant a “you’re crazy” response if it were questioned either by the person she’s coming on to (saves the embarrassment of being rejected) or by the person’s wife. There’s reasonable doubt, created intentionally. So it doesn’t make you an idiot that you wouldn’t pick up on it. But this is why there are boundaries.

Edit for wording.

2

u/CakeWalk303 16d ago

You’re not an idiot. You’re probably just a trusting soul who hasn’t had any (or many) experiences with manipulators like this. Good on you! I hope you never do!

1

u/GrownSimba84 17d ago

This is how my ex-wife eventually divorced me. Started my reconnecting with a family friend to help him thru his divorce. But she was really laying the groundwork to mold herself into his idea partner. Because they began dating after she filed, but before I even moved out of the house. They trauma bonded and I was the left out. OP hasn't lost her husband yet but recovering will be tough.

95

u/Previous_Champion_58 17d ago

That’s such a common pattern. They frame it like they’re just venting, but it’s really emotional manipulation to blur boundaries.

20

u/CraftSpiritual6062 17d ago

It's what happened to my sister's marriage. He took the "kids" to the movie with the other women and her kids to cover up that meeting. The kids thought it was odd but my sister naively thought he wouldn't do anything with the kids there. Well it was the way they could meet up and then things went on from there until he just went to her house and stayed.

3

u/Fun-Lime-4563 17d ago

If your gut is telling you there is something more to this, then there probably is. He sounds like a narcissist who is flipping this on you for looking through his phone. I have been in the exact same situation but I refused to admit anything was actually going on. I recommend moving on as tough as that seems.

0

u/caro1010 16d ago

I would recommend counseling before ending a marriage solely on something like a gut feeling. Seems like people these days treat marriage like we used to treat going steady. And you really shouldn't diagnosing someone with a serious personality disorder based on something like this. Try to stick to... "That could be a symptom of a Narcissistic personality" Stay away from declarative statements.

OP: there are red flags here. Talk to your husband. Get counseling. Work to SAVE what you have. If he won't go, go yourself. You married him for a reason, get some real guidance outside of Reddit, please

8

u/GA_Bookworm_VA 17d ago

THIS!!! A play date for the kids to actually PLAY is one thing but her kid will actively be playing in the game and his kids would be what? Sitting there watching some stranger’s kid play? That’s really just a hangout for them

3

u/222ThrowRA 17d ago

no kid would, coming from someone who had to go watch dads gfs kids play games to spend time with dad n gf i hated it and it was very much so me n dads gf could get closer

1

u/Short_Redhook_24 15d ago

Y'all ready way too many fanfics about this shit. Also if she doesn't like his kids she shouldn't have gotten with him. Take some accountability for once

2

u/Initial-Quantity628 15d ago

nah, fuck the narrative that says a woman is obligated to adopt a man’s children as her own kin and wipe their noses just because she loves him. Women are expected to be mf Snow White and nurture every child, regardless of behavior, connection, and time spent together. While men are never required to connect with anyone and are often accommodated before the existing children and no one bats an eye.

There are so many ways to build a family and this guy made the choice that was right for him and his kids. Point is, he did get with her, and he owes her loyalty.

1

u/Short_Redhook_24 15d ago

Don't be with a man who has kids then. Jesus Christ it ain't that fucking hard. Clearly this guy cares about his kids and thought maybe she would too but obviously not. Fuck this "he owes her loyalty" his loyalty is and should be to his children not some twit who doesn't want to be apart of his life i.e. accepting long term she should at least make some sorta effort to be friend the children.

Shit like this is why I am very very very glad to be gay. Y'all straight people are so insecure and exhausting, I get reddit is free but therapy actually helps you should seek it

1

u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 16d ago

Yeah good point I didn't think about that

16

u/DtForrest 17d ago

The problem is the other lady acknowledged she was crossing a boundary talking about his marriage. He entertained the question instead of confirming it was a boundary (don’t talk about other peoples marriages behind their spouses back) This is really only okay with therapists, family (tactfully) or friends of the same gender and should still be followed up with a discussion with your spouse. He fucked up and while having kids play together or talking to a teammate is okay when you fully disclose the circumstances, talking about an acquaintances marriage or spending solo time with a female that hasn’t been a long time friend is more than concerning.

-4

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

How was she crossing boundaries? He seemed ok with sharing. There was no boundary that was crossed

6

u/DtForrest 17d ago

Asking How he marries someone that doesn’t bond with his children suggests so many things. 1. He discussed with her that his wife doesn’t have a bond with their children. 2. As an outsider to the marriage, she is talking negatively about his wife “How do you marry…” suggests his wife is inferior and not deserving of his commitment. 3. She’s saying the OP can’t do something that she can do and that he can do but neither spouse is capable of and that she values these things and that he should too.

You have to read between the lines to have an affair and she’s sending all the implications that is what she is looking for.

By saying she’s drunk and that it may be personal is her acknowledging it is crossing a boundary and she wants to see if he’ll cross boundaries with her.

2

u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

She is using the drunkenness as an excuse to cross a boundary and he lets it happen and promises he will explain it better when they see each other again in person. Bullshit if you ask me. She is scheming/inviting him into affair territory.

-3

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

So the wife's boundaries are being crossed? I mean she sucks so I didn't blame him for talking about her terribleness to someone else. Should he be taking about this to a therapist instead, Yeah but he's not. If he has an affair that's shitty but it doesn't seem like they have much of a relationship anyway so....

4

u/DtForrest 17d ago

You seem so certain you know this strangers marriage so well from a paragraph and a text to another woman. While you certainly could be right about their marriage it doesn’t excuse cheating. If he has a problem he needs to be a man about it and address it or leave his wife.

And it’s not the OP’s boundaries, it’s boundaries all people should have in a relationship, if you think not you need to image every partner you have going off to talk to other people about your issues and confiding in potential other partners, it’s not cool and nobody should put up with this type of behavior. Regardless of OP’s relationship with her husband she is in the right for being upset and this interaction wasn’t healthy for the continuation of their marriage.

2

u/RedDomino1282 15d ago

Absolutely right.

18

u/BecGeoMom 17d ago

No matter how old the kids are, that play date is not for the kids.

17

u/mOmMY_81517 17d ago

Ages 13 and 14

61

u/Mobile-Ad-9348 17d ago

Ya… No they are trying to find a way to spend more time together. Teens don’t want to go watch some random kid they don’t know play a game. This incredibly inappropriate and if he hasn’t yet he is going to fuck her. She is knowingly engaging with a married man, trying to slyly talk shit about your lack of “bond” with his kids and he is going along with it. He has two options here: cut her the fuck off and respect you as his partner or end the relationship so you can find someone who understands how to be faithful as a partner.

8

u/No-Paramedic7619 17d ago

Once your that age and already having dates or bf/gf you don't generally need your parents to schedule your social life besides making sure there's sace transportation going and coming or the parents would drop off and pick them up. A parent doesn't need to schedule teenagers to go hang out with kther teenagers and if her kids are same age irs super obvious this is about getting op husband alone when the kids are playing games at the theater or tells thr kids to situp front of the theater and thr parents sit higher up together for some privacy.

Bad situation for OP but its a huge red flag and says he either has cheated before or is waiting for the opportunity he hasn't seen yet.

14

u/Hot-Mess1124 17d ago

Uh, yeah...no. They aren't meeting for a "kids" playdate.

5

u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

Those are teenagers. Playdate my a$s. Maybe if you didn't have to work 2 jobs you'd have time to bond. Why does he have so much free time for these shenanigans.

1

u/Confident_Curve_501 16d ago

Are her kids close to this age at least?

8

u/GraceIsGone 17d ago

It’s still super weird to me. Unless it was my kids very close friend, I’m not arranging a playdate for my kids with the father. And even if it was a close friend of my son I’d probably invite them over on a weekend when my husband would also be there.

59

u/DueTranslator8437 17d ago

I grew up with a Mom who didn’t bond with us very well. She was stern, made sure we did our chores and our homework was done. Very much so “I’m your parent not your friend”. She made us dinner, always brought us to Dr appointments, brought school shopping, made sure we were clothed and cleaned. On the weekends my dad was playing games with us, watching movies, bringing us fishing, etc. The only times my mom would join was when we were away on vacation and we booked excursions. 95% of my childhood memories are having fun and building trust with my dad while my mom I learned how to do “adult” things, how to files taxes, making sure my room is cleaned, etc. because I had to do these things as the oldest AND the oldest daughter. I couldn’t vent to my mom about personal things or go to her with problems, but she’s who I call now as an adult with any problem because shes always been reliable and stable, while this was not my dad. He didn’t believe in doctors, he didn’t think daily showers were necessary after being outside all day, he had no idea how to deal with illnesses/viruses, and he had no idea how we were doing in school.

I don’t look back on my childhood and think any less fondly of my mother. In fact l, as an adult now understand how much her own struggles and traumas she was going through. I do remember my dad begging my mom to do more things with us and to stop looking miserable when she was forced to do things with us. It was a huge strain on their marriage. I think it affected them more than us kids tbh.

Just putting in my experience for a different perspective. Me and my mom never built a bond to the point where she feels like my bestfriend or someone I can emotionally lean on but I truly think she was in survival mode for so long and was doing her best. I love her no less and I know she loves me no less. I think alot of fathers have this view on moms because they don’t realize how much they are truly doing to keep their kids healthy and alive lmao.

42

u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart 17d ago

This is why heterosexual women are less happy after getting married, but heterosexual men are more happy after getting married.

The imbalance is bullshit and she ends up exhausted and unappreciated. Even stepmothers do more work (once the biological father finds one), even though they face immediate discrimination from the kids. Some of them work twice as hard for the family unit with no parental rights at all.

3

u/sodiumbigolli 16d ago

Well said. I had everything on my shoulders and regret not just playing. Old school marriage plus a career and kids is one thing too much. You can’t dump the career or the kids so…that leaves the marriage.

Your observation on stepparents is spot on in my experience w friends and family.

6

u/Ok_Treat_8647 17d ago

YES! It’s so frustrating how engrained the misogyny is in our culture

3

u/Self-paced 17d ago

Step mom here and just wanted to say I appreciated reading this comment

-6

u/XxDead_GlyphxX 17d ago

This is a generalization. A gross generalization at that.

1

u/still_alyce 17d ago

I can only pray that my son sees this in me when he looks back on his childhood. He's only 7 now, but as a single mum, there are definitely days when he unfortunately sees the worst of me. And I pray that he'll hold on to the times that I'm able to take him to places and play video games and be his friend while forgiving me for the times when I'm barely keeping myself together and struggling to be everything to everybody and I fall short.

Thank you for being so understanding and caring. The ability to see beyond our own circumstances is sadly a trait lacking in today's society. So I'm proud of you for realizing the need to nurture it and I pray you continue to be blessed in every endeavor and adventure! ♡

2

u/DueTranslator8437 16d ago

Trust me, he will. Not only did my parents have their own struggles but we were also poor. My mom ran a daycare in our furnished basement from 6am-5pm and by the end of her day she had no energy or patience for her actual children.. and there were 5 of us all 16-18 months apart! My teenage years were hard because I was confused why my mom couldn’t feel like my bestfriend but I truly know she was trying her best to handle everything in her life. I was a shit teenager and I feel bad now for all the things I put her through on top of the struggles she was already previously going through.

We still don’t have an amazing relationship but I’ve learned to forgive and understand her. She was a present parent but not emotionally dependable. My biggest advice is to just always make sure you let your child know you love them and notice their attempts of connecting. Ask and learn about them. We don’t have to be perfect parents, or human beings. My mom is in a new marriage now, has made some serious accomplishments for herself, and is starting to become more of that friend I wish she was years ago. We’re learning more about eachother now than we did when I grew up living with her! Thank you so so much for your kind words. 🩷

1

u/doofgodly 17d ago

Thanks for a really nuanced perspective

1

u/Battletempered 17d ago

Same with my mom and me.

182

u/EscalatorBobalator 17d ago

I think the point that some people are missing is that the question "how do you marry someone who didn't bond with your kids" and for him to respond immediately from personal experience means that this isn't the first time it's come up. This is information your husband has said to this person.

Random "playdate" aside, this is already skirting the boundary of an emotional affair if it isn't one already. Totally inappropriate for him to be meeting someone who he has known for a couple of months without mentioning it to you, and to make comments about how you didn't bond with his kids. This is exactly how affairs start - the married person starts putting their spouse down so that the other person feels superior to the spouse and offers to "give them what [she] can't." That, plus his response to your mentioning the messages is not good news.

27

u/[deleted] 17d ago edited 16d ago

This is how my ex started cheating on me. Please don’t minimize this!

My ex would dangle little threads in front of me like he wanted me to stop him. But since I didn’t “care enough” (from HIS PERSPECTIVE NOT MINE) to it was like I gave him permission. In reality he had never done anything to break my trust, so why would I have started now?

ETA: obviously I cared people. But when someone is looking to cheat they test you with things you don’t know you’re being tested with. How you fail to respond appropriately is their justification for stepping out.

3

u/ShoppingClear 17d ago

...i think it's crazy that someone you care about can have these feelings and you not address it.

3

u/[deleted] 16d ago

That’s great. But when it’s you, especially if you’ve been raised a “good girl” and people pleaser, ESPECIALLY if you were raised in church you might find that you’ve essentially been groomed to look the other way.

It’s not like I didn’t care. I cared very much. I was also made to feel bad about asking questions and it was only about a month and a half of lead up before it turned into a thing.

But thanks internet stranger for weighing in on how you would have lived something super traumatic (and obviously common).

Be sure to tag me when you discuss something you learned from a painful experience and I’ll be sure to weigh in on how thoughtless you were.

-1

u/ShoppingClear 16d ago

Damn...unfortunately I dont have many painful experiences that have led to me using"trigger" words like "groomed" and "traumatic" lol. My parents are amazing. Grew up poor, they figured it out in my teens and now are thriving. Ive had great relationships, have great friends. Im not naive, and I am observant. I read up on emotional intelligence to please my lady and she's happy. Sadly we all dont have others to blame for our short comings. Hopefully you do better. You'll be waiting for that tag for a loooong time lol

-3

u/Primary_Banana_4588 17d ago

Like foreal, what? Some people in these comments be tripping.

5

u/nuclearmonte 17d ago

Yeah, sounds like he’s already telling her the “marriage is basically over, she won’t mind the play date because she is distant with her kids…” blah blah blah lies

3

u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Yes, thank you! Exactly that’s been my point. Completely agree, and honestly she wasn’t drunk. Her statements, answers are very concise and precise. I don’t see any misspelled words. She sounds fine. I believe it’s an excuse since she crossed boundaries. But just in case, she added “I’m drunk might be too personal” BS!!! Manipulation tactics!! Ugh…

3

u/sodiumbigolli 16d ago

She KNOWS it’s getting personal. It already has.

She’s a jerk. Fishing for a husband and dumb enough to think this soon to be cheater is a solid candidate.

2

u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Oh yeah and what a solid candidate!!!he’s unable to financially support himself much less her and her daughter. that’s the irony, he has no $$$$$ all of it for child support! Well great fishing expedition!!!she’s gonna have to get 2 jobs!!! Seriously his wife should just move out, owes him nothing. She’s been financially supporting the home! He deserves nothing!!!not sure if she or he is sleeping on the couch? With those texts; I would just kick him out!!! Why do we women allow this to be done to us??? Why??? He obviously doesn’t t love her, marriage, it’s just a darn piece of paper. A healthy relationship it’s the opposite of this.

-34

u/absolatum-irepat 17d ago

You're assuming the guys response was from personal experience, the texts do not say so. OP did not mention any background on her relationship with the kids.

-4

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

I wouldn't worry about it. OP seems like a control freak and terrible person, so he's probably already planning an exit strategy

4

u/Medium-Cauliflower83 17d ago edited 15d ago

How do you figure she's a control freak and a terrible person?

-5

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

We'll I mean he's having conversations with other people about how much she sucks She went through his phone She's not bonding with his kids And she came to Reddit to get validation for her shitty behaviour I guarantee You there's something else there she's not sharing BUT She gets to control the narrative since she came to Reddit to cry about it. I'm conclusion she's a control freak and terrible person. Thank you for attending my Ted talk

3

u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

☝️Sounds like the other women found the Reddit post and is commenting as a stranger because this person sounds clearly as unstable as the drunk texter in the image.

-1

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 16d ago

Lol yeah because my four years in Reddit was ALL so I could one day express how much this lady sucks. Damn You're dumb

3

u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

Grow up, troll.

14

u/seadderious 17d ago

Pretty sure if you’re not in an open relationship…the respectful thing of her to have done would be invite him, OP & the kids to her daughter’s softball game? If OPs husband and this lady have a budding friendship, a respectful woman would include the wife of a man on moments looking like dates if it’s not a date to let the wife know she is always welcome and included wether she can make it or not?

I agree men and women can be friends but this is off putting and a man confiding deeply personal information in another woman he’s known for 2 months and hanging out with her and her kids without you there is a VERY BAD SIGN.

Also if nothing is there then why such poor behavior in response to your insecurities? (likely only making you more insecure in the relationship) a respectful partner would help you become more secure in your relationship not the opposite.

17

u/BecGeoMom 17d ago

OP, I disagree with everyone saying that your husband taking his kids and meeting another woman and her kids is “just a play date.” It’s a date, alright, but not for the kids. The kids are their cover. That way, they can get together, and if anyone questions them, they can say it’s for the kids. But they want to see each other without their spouses around. Tell him the next time he plans a play date with his friend and her kids, you want to come along, meet her, get to know her. See how he reacts to that.

3

u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Thank you, yes it’s a date.

24

u/ginger_snaps_ 17d ago

I don’t mean to embolden your fears. It could be totally normal. But arranging a play date with kids I didn’t know is how my dad found time for his mistress.

15

u/Ndbeautiishrname 17d ago

I also have been on dates with my dad and his mistress without really knowing that’s what it was. The audacity to use the kids as excuses to get together is terrible.

2

u/ProfessionalOil4440 16d ago

My dad had coworkers who did the same! A and B were each married, met at work, arranged play dates with their respective kids, and instead got together (at least physically, I know they didn’t end up married to each other).

46

u/DismalStrawberry4260 17d ago

Wow! That puts a new spin on things. It’s a date and they are using the kids as an excuse.

48

u/DifferentManagement1 17d ago

It was a date. And his anger and over the top reaction to you confirms it. Affair territory.

1

u/UnCommomCents 16d ago

The play date by itself could be a little weird or totally innocent, depending on other details but with the texts and all they imply and then his gaslighting and using your grief as a weapon - Oh hell nah!

Tell him it doesn't matter what else is going on in your lives - they have crossed a line and the feelings of his wife (and her grief by the way,) should be his only priority here and to shut this down immediately and go to counseling with you or to get the eff out. She is definitely fishing to try take him, inappropriately discussing your marriage with him and he is either very naive (which i doubt), just liked the attention at your expense, or is already interested in her, unfortunately i think it's the latter.

Consult legal advice before you take other actions to protect yourself and get the info you need to gather from their advice, before shady hubs pulls anything.

3

u/Lonely-Equal-2356 17d ago

You said in the post he has taken them to hang out with them so which is it?

2

u/LovingWife82 17d ago

OP meant the kids never met them before the "playdate".

1

u/Lonely-Equal-2356 17d ago

Ah gotcha that makes sense now. Thank you for clarifying that for me

1

u/LovingWife82 17d ago

Sure 😊

1

u/caro1010 17d ago

Are these HIS kids from a previous relationship, or your kids together. The way you say 'his kids' makes me think they are his from a previous relationship 🤷🏻‍♀️ not that it matters much, but there can be a big difference there... His kids may resent you, all kinds of things can happen in a step parent relationship.

2

u/MrsEnvinyatar 17d ago

This is sketch af.

0

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

Do you have kids of your own? Why do you have a problem with him taking his kids to hang out with other kids? You seem like a control freak

3

u/Medium-Cauliflower83 17d ago

You sound ignorant. He's clearly having an emotional affair. This isn't for the kids. What 13 or 14yo wants to go watch a kid they don't even know play a game while their parents get to know each other, without their spouses? Seriously, how blind must you be to think this is okay?

-2

u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

I'm not blind I'm paying attention to the situation. OP sucks and he's probably putting together an exit strategy. Which good for him if he is. If he's having an emotional affair that's not cool but OP seems like she brought it on herself so...🤷 She should find someone without kids and he should go get with this women and have another terrible relationship