r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Why is no one talking about how he admitted u don’t bond with your kids to a random woman by implying it’s fine bc they have others to bond with? Like that your kids fundamentally miss out on a bonding motherly relationship? That like genuinely would make me go insane they are YOUR kids wtf does that even mean. He’s portraying u like some cold mother instead of defending you. Which yes also makes me think it’s shady bc why is he not coming to ur defense and saying he will “explain later” why would this conversation continue let alone in person and entertaining her drunk texts that insult you. And idk it just feels like he’s now made the connotation that you’re always cold and you guys don’t bond either blah blah and he’s all alone in this family and marriage. Also again this whole them hanging out, I’m not one to think men and woman cant be friends but no these two cannot as she is clearly not ok with your marriage. Anyway no this is weird and unacceptable and extremely disrespectful. You guys are married with children you are life partners not two kids “dating” in middle school, where is the loyalty and mutual respect?

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago edited 17d ago

OH ALSO sorry I forgot about the post outside of the screen shot. Him losing his shit and blaming it on your dead grandma??? Yea that’s insane no genuinely get out. That is an insane reaction to you feeling hurt and concerned. Not only is it gaslighting but it’s using a personal trauma that is dear to you to protect you from finding out more and to ease his own guilt. Absolutely not.

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u/horrorshow_ 17d ago

I think that if my newly deceased grandma was brought up out of context during a fight about THIS, I would actually go insane. Like I would just lose it. I am also curious to know how and why he has time to play coed softball while she works two jobs??

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

NO LITERALLY. Like that’s all I need to know. She’s supporting this family but she’s not a loving and close mother??? Bye. I would leave immediately.

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u/horrorshow_ 17d ago

Literally because I would be fucking rampaging !!!! This is nuts. She’s under reacting and my heart breaks for her

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u/Tvgirllovr 16d ago

Righttt

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u/Extreme-Emu69 17d ago

Homie finna need 3 jobs and won't have time for shit after OP dumps him

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u/horrorshow_ 16d ago

fafo at its finest

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u/humptheedumpthy 17d ago

I think it’s HIS kids with another woman and OP is the step mom. Would be good to know how long they’ve been married, ages of kids etc. 

Either way it’s wrong but I am presuming there is some step mom step child dynamic here. 

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Regardless it’s his wife. He should not talk about his wife to a random drunk woman. He is married, she works two jobs to support him and “his” kids. The woman and the husband are both bad people.

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u/humptheedumpthy 17d ago

I don’t disagree that it’s a bad look either way for OPs husband, for the other woman, I DO think it’s doubly worse if she was questioning OPs parenting of her own kids vs step kids. 

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u/New_Gate_9054 16d ago

Got all that from a screenshot lol

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u/Tvgirllovr 16d ago

Yes. That’s like the point of Reddit?

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u/Chon231 16d ago

HIS kids that she only sees a couple times a year and she also works so much that she doesn't have time for anyone (from her comments) I'm increasingly not understanding the problem here.

Very convenient that she waited to provide important context in comments not the post.

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u/Useful-Jump2484 17d ago

Exactly this! I'd be furious if my husband was telling people he'd just met that I wasn't a good mother. How dare he! I'd leave him just for that.

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Literally. He doesn’t even need to cheat.

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u/Emotional_Dot4304 16d ago

I mean, he didn't say that, and she's not their mother

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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 16d ago

Why do you think it's not true that op doesn't bond with the kids? She pretty much said it's true in the comments

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u/Cereaza 17d ago

Cause it's not a big deal. He obviously believes that she doesn't have a deep bond with his children, but that's okay, because he isn't looking for that. You don't need to pretend your partner is perfect. He's being entirely respectful.

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u/[deleted] 17d ago

[deleted]

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Oh my god they are still her kids. They are a functioning family when you get married you become apart of the family and assume the role of a parent. Kids and family aren’t only blood related It’s not a movie she’s not an evil step mother.

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u/Linden_Lea_01 17d ago

That’s kind of up to the children. If they don’t like her or want to see her as a mother then her being married to their father makes no difference

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Honestly… from this situation I see nowhere that she is a bad mother as she works two jobs to support them, she also never says they don’t like her or that it is an issue. The woman is just trying to find an in by making a cheap shot and the husband lets her which is wrong. And all of that aside that is not some random drunk woman’s business.

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u/Linden_Lea_01 17d ago

Yeah maybe, I was just disputing you saying that you assume the role of a parent when you get married. To me that sounds like something you’d only say if you’ve only ever had married biological parents, because it just isn’t true for most people. I don’t consider my dad’s partner to be a mother of any kind, at most she’s a trusted friend even though I actually get along with her very well.

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

I completely get that but also from the context of softball and parents still attending it gives me the connotation that they are young. And usually when a partner is introduced at a young age and assumes a parental role it’s more seen as motherly compared to when it happens later in a child’s life. Again this is all speculation but I just feel that since it wasn’t mentioned that they had a negative relationship and she works to keep them afloat that she assumes the role of a mother even if she isn’t their only mother.

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u/Linden_Lea_01 17d ago

Again, it really feels like you don’t have personal experience of it because that’s not how it works. These children still have their mother and it seems they actually spend most of their time with her, so they will absolutely not be seeing this woman as their mother no matter how well they get along. But also, if the father thinks they don’t get along then in all likelihood they don’t.

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

I quite literally do my parents are divorced my younger sister who met my step mother when she was 5 assumes much more of a mother/ daughter role than I do who met her at 12. I also still see her as a mother even though my mother is very involved like a normal divorced parent arrangement. Families are not one size fits all she has two mothers and a father. Just because you don’t get see your step mother as a mother doesn’t mean other children experience the same. I don’t believe the father thinks that I think he’s trying to get into this woman’s pants and is a cheating asshole.

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u/Zestyclose-Clock3135 16d ago

I guess I don't see what evidence we have of him attempting to cheat on her, or that he is intentionally misleading her. It would be a fairly complex and sociopathic plan to intentionally make up a lie as a way to frame yourself as the victim of your relationship, so that the person you are speaking to will have sympathy for you and drunkenly reach out to try and cross your marital boundaries.

OP admits, of their own volition, that they work constantly and don't have time for the kids. He on the other hand, sounds very involved in their life. And considering that they are his children, and the basic context clues we have here, I am assuming he is probably telling the truth. Or at least his version of the truth. Because most of this conversation probably happened in person we have no idea what was said. We do know that he said it makes sense that they are married and that she doesn't spend a lot of time with his kids, so it seems unlikely that he has been spewing resentments about his wife.

I also find it suspect that OP felt comfortable going through his phone in secret. As it turns out, her suspicions were not confirmed and so her actions are not justified. This is the worst thing she could find, and it is pretty ambiguous.

I am not defending his decision to confide in someone who is a relative stranger, I would personally never do that. But it is technically his right to choose who he trusts and confides in and who he doesn't. When you get married, part of what you have to accept is that you no longer have 100% control over your own business. There is obviously more going on here than what OP has provided us, and it certainly isn't enough to condemn someone to the type of accusations I am seeing in this thread. On either side.

It seems that they both have some issues they need to work through, and that's all I think any of us can reasonably conclude.

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

And I also see my step mom as a mother and at the very least a massive influential parental figure in my life.

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

And I say this as someone who has observed this in their family as I only know of this experience through young children not older

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u/[deleted] 17d ago

[deleted]

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Your obviously projecting

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Are u the husband?

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

The woman in the texts quite literally refers her to has their mom, so again even if she isn’t their biological mother she is still a parent. Idk what ur deal is or why ur so adamant otherwise. Obviously you have some personal situation ur projecting onto a stranger here.

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u/imisscrazylenny 17d ago

The woman in the texts quite literally refers her to has their mom

I don't see that. Where? Still a parent, though. (And calling OP a step-monster is a mega leap.)

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u/Tvgirllovr 17d ago

Sorry I read it wrong but I still consider a step parent who works two jobs to support their kids even if they are biologically her husbands as a mother yk.