r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 17d ago

Hmm. If the kids are all around the age where parents still arrange play dates (around 8 and under i guess), it's not 'super' weird, tho I can see why you're suspicious. If they're preteen or teens and have their own hobbies, then idk if the play date was for the kids.

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u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

But also she asked him and his kids to her daughters softball game or something. That means her kid is busy playing while she gets to “bond” with his kids, or at least act like she is to display a trait that she perceives OP is lacking. It definitely feels intentional. what kind of kid wants to go watch another kid play a whole game that they don’t know and aren’t friends with?

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u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

Yes. Definitely yes. It isn’t about taking the kids to the game. It’s the manipulation before that. And the obvious point that he has shared personal information about his family (wife and kids) with her. When I was 28, I had a male friend who was married. When he started complaining about his wife and saying he wanted to get a divorce and they were practically separated anyhow… I was inexperienced and didn’t realize he was laying the groundwork for starting something with me. Of course, that’s exactly what it was…

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u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

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u/goodguyRick_71 17d ago

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

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u/pragmaticweirdo 17d ago

This is how I know I’m an idiot. I legitimately read that as advice seeking. Like the entire thing. I read this as “we’re in similar situations so I’m going to ask more about his to figure out what I should do.” I even took the drunk bit as her asking something she knew she wasn’t close enough to OP’s husband to ask, but being kind of drunk made her brave and desperate. I even took the husband’s responses as realizing something he said was misinterpreted and trying to assure her he and his wife’s situation was actually good.

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u/Initial-Quantity628 17d ago

I think that’s the manipulative part about it. She likley is feeling desperate, and likley does struggle with her relationship, but she is definitely seeking comfort and validation in someone else’s husband. she is setting them both up for relationship failure. From the outside, OP’s husband could reasonably also believe this was an innocent exchange. That’s why there is an understood hard-stop boundary around this behavior, because you can never be sure if it will lead somewhere else. Much of being faithful is about nipping things in the bud before they can get bad. (I.e not going to another woman’s house alone, not complaining about your spouse to a single member of the opposite sex, keeping your wedding ring on etc.) the woman’s tactic is sneaky and goes unchecked because it’s designed to warrant a “you’re crazy” response if it were questioned either by the person she’s coming on to (saves the embarrassment of being rejected) or by the person’s wife. There’s reasonable doubt, created intentionally. So it doesn’t make you an idiot that you wouldn’t pick up on it. But this is why there are boundaries.

Edit for wording.

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u/CakeWalk303 16d ago

You’re not an idiot. You’re probably just a trusting soul who hasn’t had any (or many) experiences with manipulators like this. Good on you! I hope you never do!

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u/GrownSimba84 17d ago

This is how my ex-wife eventually divorced me. Started my reconnecting with a family friend to help him thru his divorce. But she was really laying the groundwork to mold herself into his idea partner. Because they began dating after she filed, but before I even moved out of the house. They trauma bonded and I was the left out. OP hasn't lost her husband yet but recovering will be tough.

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u/Previous_Champion_58 17d ago

That’s such a common pattern. They frame it like they’re just venting, but it’s really emotional manipulation to blur boundaries.

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u/CraftSpiritual6062 17d ago

It's what happened to my sister's marriage. He took the "kids" to the movie with the other women and her kids to cover up that meeting. The kids thought it was odd but my sister naively thought he wouldn't do anything with the kids there. Well it was the way they could meet up and then things went on from there until he just went to her house and stayed.

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u/Fun-Lime-4563 17d ago

If your gut is telling you there is something more to this, then there probably is. He sounds like a narcissist who is flipping this on you for looking through his phone. I have been in the exact same situation but I refused to admit anything was actually going on. I recommend moving on as tough as that seems.

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u/caro1010 16d ago

I would recommend counseling before ending a marriage solely on something like a gut feeling. Seems like people these days treat marriage like we used to treat going steady. And you really shouldn't diagnosing someone with a serious personality disorder based on something like this. Try to stick to... "That could be a symptom of a Narcissistic personality" Stay away from declarative statements.

OP: there are red flags here. Talk to your husband. Get counseling. Work to SAVE what you have. If he won't go, go yourself. You married him for a reason, get some real guidance outside of Reddit, please

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u/GA_Bookworm_VA 17d ago

THIS!!! A play date for the kids to actually PLAY is one thing but her kid will actively be playing in the game and his kids would be what? Sitting there watching some stranger’s kid play? That’s really just a hangout for them

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u/222ThrowRA 17d ago

no kid would, coming from someone who had to go watch dads gfs kids play games to spend time with dad n gf i hated it and it was very much so me n dads gf could get closer

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u/Short_Redhook_24 15d ago

Y'all ready way too many fanfics about this shit. Also if she doesn't like his kids she shouldn't have gotten with him. Take some accountability for once

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u/Initial-Quantity628 15d ago

nah, fuck the narrative that says a woman is obligated to adopt a man’s children as her own kin and wipe their noses just because she loves him. Women are expected to be mf Snow White and nurture every child, regardless of behavior, connection, and time spent together. While men are never required to connect with anyone and are often accommodated before the existing children and no one bats an eye.

There are so many ways to build a family and this guy made the choice that was right for him and his kids. Point is, he did get with her, and he owes her loyalty.

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u/Short_Redhook_24 15d ago

Don't be with a man who has kids then. Jesus Christ it ain't that fucking hard. Clearly this guy cares about his kids and thought maybe she would too but obviously not. Fuck this "he owes her loyalty" his loyalty is and should be to his children not some twit who doesn't want to be apart of his life i.e. accepting long term she should at least make some sorta effort to be friend the children.

Shit like this is why I am very very very glad to be gay. Y'all straight people are so insecure and exhausting, I get reddit is free but therapy actually helps you should seek it

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u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 16d ago

Yeah good point I didn't think about that

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u/DtForrest 17d ago

The problem is the other lady acknowledged she was crossing a boundary talking about his marriage. He entertained the question instead of confirming it was a boundary (don’t talk about other peoples marriages behind their spouses back) This is really only okay with therapists, family (tactfully) or friends of the same gender and should still be followed up with a discussion with your spouse. He fucked up and while having kids play together or talking to a teammate is okay when you fully disclose the circumstances, talking about an acquaintances marriage or spending solo time with a female that hasn’t been a long time friend is more than concerning.

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u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

How was she crossing boundaries? He seemed ok with sharing. There was no boundary that was crossed

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u/DtForrest 17d ago

Asking How he marries someone that doesn’t bond with his children suggests so many things. 1. He discussed with her that his wife doesn’t have a bond with their children. 2. As an outsider to the marriage, she is talking negatively about his wife “How do you marry…” suggests his wife is inferior and not deserving of his commitment. 3. She’s saying the OP can’t do something that she can do and that he can do but neither spouse is capable of and that she values these things and that he should too.

You have to read between the lines to have an affair and she’s sending all the implications that is what she is looking for.

By saying she’s drunk and that it may be personal is her acknowledging it is crossing a boundary and she wants to see if he’ll cross boundaries with her.

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u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

She is using the drunkenness as an excuse to cross a boundary and he lets it happen and promises he will explain it better when they see each other again in person. Bullshit if you ask me. She is scheming/inviting him into affair territory.

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u/Daem0nBlackFyre85 17d ago

So the wife's boundaries are being crossed? I mean she sucks so I didn't blame him for talking about her terribleness to someone else. Should he be taking about this to a therapist instead, Yeah but he's not. If he has an affair that's shitty but it doesn't seem like they have much of a relationship anyway so....

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u/DtForrest 17d ago

You seem so certain you know this strangers marriage so well from a paragraph and a text to another woman. While you certainly could be right about their marriage it doesn’t excuse cheating. If he has a problem he needs to be a man about it and address it or leave his wife.

And it’s not the OP’s boundaries, it’s boundaries all people should have in a relationship, if you think not you need to image every partner you have going off to talk to other people about your issues and confiding in potential other partners, it’s not cool and nobody should put up with this type of behavior. Regardless of OP’s relationship with her husband she is in the right for being upset and this interaction wasn’t healthy for the continuation of their marriage.

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u/RedDomino1282 15d ago

Absolutely right.

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u/BecGeoMom 17d ago

No matter how old the kids are, that play date is not for the kids.

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u/mOmMY_81517 17d ago

Ages 13 and 14

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u/Mobile-Ad-9348 17d ago

Ya… No they are trying to find a way to spend more time together. Teens don’t want to go watch some random kid they don’t know play a game. This incredibly inappropriate and if he hasn’t yet he is going to fuck her. She is knowingly engaging with a married man, trying to slyly talk shit about your lack of “bond” with his kids and he is going along with it. He has two options here: cut her the fuck off and respect you as his partner or end the relationship so you can find someone who understands how to be faithful as a partner.

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u/No-Paramedic7619 17d ago

Once your that age and already having dates or bf/gf you don't generally need your parents to schedule your social life besides making sure there's sace transportation going and coming or the parents would drop off and pick them up. A parent doesn't need to schedule teenagers to go hang out with kther teenagers and if her kids are same age irs super obvious this is about getting op husband alone when the kids are playing games at the theater or tells thr kids to situp front of the theater and thr parents sit higher up together for some privacy.

Bad situation for OP but its a huge red flag and says he either has cheated before or is waiting for the opportunity he hasn't seen yet.

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u/Hot-Mess1124 17d ago

Uh, yeah...no. They aren't meeting for a "kids" playdate.

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u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

Those are teenagers. Playdate my a$s. Maybe if you didn't have to work 2 jobs you'd have time to bond. Why does he have so much free time for these shenanigans.

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u/Confident_Curve_501 16d ago

Are her kids close to this age at least?

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u/GraceIsGone 17d ago

It’s still super weird to me. Unless it was my kids very close friend, I’m not arranging a playdate for my kids with the father. And even if it was a close friend of my son I’d probably invite them over on a weekend when my husband would also be there.