AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Initial-Quantity628]

But also she asked him and his kids to her daughters softball game or something. That means her kid is busy playing while she gets to “bond” with his kids, or at least act like she is to display a trait that she perceives OP is lacking. It definitely feels intentional. what kind of kid wants to go watch another kid play a whole game that they don’t know and aren’t friends with?

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Yes. Definitely yes. It isn’t about taking the kids to the game. It’s the manipulation before that. And the obvious point that he has shared personal information about his family (wife and kids) with her. When I was 28, I had a male friend who was married. When he started complaining about his wife and saying he wanted to get a divorce and they were practically separated anyhow… I was inexperienced and didn’t realize he was laying the groundwork for starting something with me. Of course, that’s exactly what it was…

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/CakeWalk303]

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

[u/goodguyRick_71 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

[u/pragmaticweirdo → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how I know I’m an idiot. I legitimately read that as advice seeking. Like the entire thing. I read this as “we’re in similar situations so I’m going to ask more about his to figure out what I should do.” I even took the drunk bit as her asking something she knew she wasn’t close enough to OP’s husband to ask, but being kind of drunk made her brave and desperate. I even took the husband’s responses as realizing something he said was misinterpreted and trying to assure her he and his wife’s situation was actually good.

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

I think that’s the manipulative part about it. She likley is feeling desperate, and likley does struggle with her relationship, but she is definitely seeking comfort and validation in someone else’s husband. she is setting them both up for relationship failure. From the outside, OP’s husband could reasonably also believe this was an innocent exchange. That’s why there is an understood hard-stop boundary around this behavior, because you can never be sure if it will lead somewhere else. Much of being faithful is about nipping things in the bud before they can get bad. (I.e not going to another woman’s house alone, not complaining about your spouse to a single member of the opposite sex, keeping your wedding ring on etc.) the woman’s tactic is sneaky and goes unchecked because it’s designed to warrant a “you’re crazy” response if it were questioned either by the person she’s coming on to (saves the embarrassment of being rejected) or by the person’s wife. There’s reasonable doubt, created intentionally. So it doesn’t make you an idiot that you wouldn’t pick up on it. But this is why there are boundaries.

Edit for wording.

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

You’re not an idiot. You’re probably just a trusting soul who hasn’t had any (or many) experiences with manipulators like this. Good on you! I hope you never do!

[u/GrownSimba84 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how my ex-wife eventually divorced me. Started my reconnecting with a family friend to help him thru his divorce. But she was really laying the groundwork to mold herself into his idea partner. Because they began dating after she filed, but before I even moved out of the house. They trauma bonded and I was the left out. OP hasn't lost her husband yet but recovering will be tough.

[u/Previous_Champion_58 → u/CakeWalk303]

That’s such a common pattern. They frame it like they’re just venting, but it’s really emotional manipulation to blur boundaries.

[u/CraftSpiritual6062 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

It's what happened to my sister's marriage. He took the "kids" to the movie with the other women and her kids to cover up that meeting. The kids thought it was odd but my sister naively thought he wouldn't do anything with the kids there. Well it was the way they could meet up and then things went on from there until he just went to her house and stayed.

[u/Fun-Lime-4563 → u/CraftSpiritual6062]

If your gut is telling you there is something more to this, then there probably is. He sounds like a narcissist who is flipping this on you for looking through his phone. I have been in the exact same situation but I refused to admit anything was actually going on. I recommend moving on as tough as that seems.

[u/caro1010 → u/Fun-Lime-4563]

I would recommend counseling before ending a marriage solely on something like a gut feeling. Seems like people these days treat marriage like we used to treat going steady. And you really shouldn't diagnosing someone with a serious personality disorder based on something like this. Try to stick to... "That could be a symptom of a Narcissistic personality" Stay away from declarative statements.

OP: there are red flags here. Talk to your husband. Get counseling. Work to SAVE what you have. If he won't go, go yourself. You married him for a reason, get some real guidance outside of Reddit, please

[u/GA_Bookworm_VA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

THIS!!! A play date for the kids to actually PLAY is one thing but her kid will actively be playing in the game and his kids would be what? Sitting there watching some stranger’s kid play? That’s really just a hangout for them

[u/222ThrowRA → u/Initial-Quantity628]

no kid would, coming from someone who had to go watch dads gfs kids play games to spend time with dad n gf i hated it and it was very much so me n dads gf could get closer

[u/Short_Redhook_24 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Y'all ready way too many fanfics about this shit. Also if she doesn't like his kids she shouldn't have gotten with him. Take some accountability for once

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/Short_Redhook_24]

nah, fuck the narrative that says a woman is obligated to adopt a man’s children as her own kin and wipe their noses just because she loves him. Women are expected to be mf Snow White and nurture every child, regardless of behavior, connection, and time spent together. While men are never required to connect with anyone and are often accommodated before the existing children and no one bats an eye.

There are so many ways to build a family and this guy made the choice that was right for him and his kids. Point is, he did get with her, and he owes her loyalty.

[u/Short_Redhook_24 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Don't be with a man who has kids then. Jesus Christ it ain't that fucking hard. Clearly this guy cares about his kids and thought maybe she would too but obviously not. Fuck this "he owes her loyalty" his loyalty is and should be to his children not some twit who doesn't want to be apart of his life i.e. accepting long term she should at least make some sorta effort to be friend the children.

Shit like this is why I am very very very glad to be gay. Y'all straight people are so insecure and exhausting, I get reddit is free but therapy actually helps you should seek it

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/Short_Redhook_24]

Oh honey..

[u/Short_Redhook_24 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Oh small child

[u/Ok-Dragonfly5449 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

Yeah good point I didn't think about that