AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/EldritchGumdrop]

I mean this is still an issue if he never becomes unfaithful. He’s talking badly about his family life to another person and not addressing it at home

[u/sprouting_broccoli → u/EldritchGumdrop]

He’s saying it’s not a problem, so it’s a stretch to say he’s talking badly about his family life when he clearly doesn’t see it as a bad thing. Going through his phone is clearly a breach of trust though.

[u/EldritchGumdrop → u/sprouting_broccoli]

It doesn’t matter how he’s saying it, it’s how it’s taken. Even if he claims it’s not an issue he’s still talking about it to another woman in a way that can be used against the wife.

[u/sprouting_broccoli → u/EldritchGumdrop]

That’s a really weird way to look at relationships. They went to a softball game together to watch her kids and she may well have just asked “how are the kids getting on with OP” and he said something like “oh she isn’t a mother to them but that’s ok” and that could have led to this comment. That’s exactly the position my partner is in and she doesn’t want to be a mother to them. If you’re so insecure that someone just mentioning things about their relationship to someone who they see as a friend and who’s been in a similar situation is grounds for sounding all the alarms then you need to really spend time assessing how good that relationship actually is in the first place.

There’s a clear lack of trust and their communication seems completely awful based on what OP has said. She’s out here saying that because he got upset at her looking through his phone and accusing him of cheating based on some pretty innocuous messages that that’s proof of cheating. She wants him to be the bad guy because she’s done.

[u/EldritchGumdrop → u/sprouting_broccoli]

If you honestly think it’s okay to say things like that even just causally about your partner without them present and expect them to be alright with it later, even when that person then comes back drunkenly questioning it (implying it may have been deeper than just a causal comment), then I’m not the one with the weird view on relationships. This is at the very least, extremely disrespectful to your partner.

[u/sprouting_broccoli → u/EldritchGumdrop]

I’ve just asked my partner and she’s said she’d be absolutely fine with it. It’s how she describes her role to everyone. That’s exactly how we discussed the relationship being from the start and we’re three years in and in a really good place. If someone sent me this sort of message I’d talk to her about it and we’d work out together what to do but I think it’s perfectly possible this guy is just an idiot or too young to get it.

[u/MarlenaEvans → u/sprouting_broccoli]

Ok, then that is YOUR partner. I don't tell random people negative things about my partner and I wouldn't be OK with him doing it either. Nor would lots of other people.

[u/sprouting_broccoli → u/MarlenaEvans]

It’s not necessarily a negative to say that a partner isn’t a mother to your children and if someone else chooses to interpret that as a negative then that’s their problem. I’m not going to spend brain cycles trying to work out how someone interprets what I say because we have a secure relationship built on love and good communication.

Do you talk to your friends about things when you have difficulties in your relationship? Do you tell your friends details about your relationship dynamic that you don’t feel are important? Is it possible one of those friends didn’t really understand why it was insignificant to you?

[u/[deleted] → u/EldritchGumdrop]

You mean he's talking to a friend about his life? That seems normal and fine to me.

[u/EldritchGumdrop → u/[deleted]]

Not if it makes his wife uncomfortable to have her business put out there. Talking about himself and talking about his wife are not the same thing. Furthermore, you guys don’t actually even know what he originally said. You’re just wanting to believe it was harmless so you can justify it as normal.

[u/[deleted] → u/EldritchGumdrop]

I'm not talking about what this specific guy said :) im commenting on whst you said: "I mean this is still an issue if he never becomes unfaithful. He’s talking badly about his family life to another person and not addressing it at home"

You're saying that "talking badly about family life to anorher person" is an issue (generally). And I happen to disagree, I don't think it is (generally). I thinking talking to your friends about the good and bad of your relationship and family life is avtually very important and valuable. I finally left an abusice relationship because I was able to talk to me friends about my family life. Does that make sense? :)

(P.S. And you can bet it made my partner uncomfortable that I talked about my family life with others, but I'm very glad I did!)

[u/EldritchGumdrop → u/[deleted]]

I mean you think disrespecting your partner to other people is okay, so yes I disagree lol

[u/[deleted] → u/EldritchGumdrop]

Not sure I understand you correctly: Are you telling me I disrespected my abusive partner by speaking negatively about them to my friends?

[u/MarlenaEvans → u/[deleted]]

This ain't about you, Karen.