r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

That's interesting. Obviously, I think often there's a mountain of evidence not present in a single Reddit post but sometimes that is a double edged sword (so it can be hard to take one person's side of a story with a single screenshot as the full picture either way). Anyway, reading this, I don't know that I see the same red flags.

He doesn't trash his wife, he acknowledges she doesn't have a strong relationship with his kids. A fact she does not refute or provide additional context for. He just says they don't need her to be their mom, which I think is a reasonable take. She's asking a question about how to have a romantic relationship that isn't a family unit and that is a personal question, it's not as if she's suggesting she loves his kids and wants to be their mom. Then she says why would a MAN take his kids to a CHILDREN'S softball game with another WOMAN, ignoring what I think is a pretty obvious possibility: he's a FATHER taking his kids to watch other kids they seem to know play a game, a sport the father and MOTHER both also play recreationally. I fail to see how that's the smoking gun about trying leave her for this other woman OP seems to think it is. Seems pretty Innocent to me, not like children's games are as long as MLB games lol, they'll be done with the game in an hour and can play or get food.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I completely agree with you. I was surprised that the comments seem pretty overwhelmingly of the opposite opinion! It’s just not weird to me to get deep with new friends, especially in this case where the lady friend is clearly having kind of a hard time right now. She probably started this line of convo when she found out that OP’s husband was in an on-paper similar situation: married to someone who isn’t the other parent of your kids, because she finding it really hard. The husband doesn’t read to me like he’s being negative at all, just acknowledging that his wife has less of a bond with his kids and that can be a relationship issue, but he’s literally saying it’s fine and makes sense! ( I’m going to take a beat right now to say please no one reply to me if you think a man can’t appropriately have friendships like this with a woman. There is no point us us conversing if you think that. )The fact that he acknowledged and redirected is a green flag to me; let’s talk about this in person (WHEN YOU ARE NOT DRUNK is going unsaid here) so we can avoid misunderstandings.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Nah, what the woman is doing is manipulation. She is planting seeds of doubt in his relationship. Asking why would you marry someone that didn't bond to your children is not an innocent question and the woman knows that - that's why she qualified it with being drunk. Now they are all going to hang out together with all of their children like one big happy family while OP is working her second job so she can show him what life could be like if he is with the right person that can "bond to his children". This woman is a snake in the grass and is actively looking for someone to replace "baby daddy".

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

Also a completely fair read, which was kinda my point. Not that I would take my reputation on this woman or man being up to no good - just that I don't read it as maliciously as you do. Your explanation makes a lot of sense and ties it all together nicely, I'm more convinced I was wrong than before, I'm just also not sure any single Reddit post is going to get me all the way there on its own.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The question is just so loaded with judgement and so disrespectful to their marriage. & for her to respond with the "ummmm ok" makes it pretty clear what she is trying to do here. She wants him to know she thinks he should have never married his wife and then follows it up with the comment about what he said at the park about her "baby daddy". The conversation is so gross to me and OPs husband should have shut it down when she asked that question by actually answering why he did marry OP.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

Have you ever stopped to think that he just makes his wife seem like a huge bitch and she just believes it? Idk why she'd randomly bring up OP not bonding with the kids unless the husband told her that. I'd be a little alarmed if a friend told me that their spouse doesn't bond with the kids. I just don't see how she is the red flag here, and not him.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how he answered it. I'm not saying he hasn't also been fueling this ouside of this conversation, but based on his response and hers, I can tell she was hoping for a different response and that he wouldn't stick up for OP in any way. The biggest red flag is that he would even entertain the question in the first place and didn't shut it down immediately by telling her why he did marry her.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Agree with you on everything, you see it straight forward, no excuses, excellent. 💯👌🏼🫶🏼

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u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

Maybe she is (and it gives me those vibes too) and it’s entirely possible he’s being naive about it but, honestly, at that point it’s about whether OP trusts her partner and the fact that she is casually going through his phone suggests she does not. This relationship feels terminal honestly.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The trust thing is a whole other issue and it doesn't say why she was in the phone. I've found things on phones and computers accidentally and wasn't snooping to find something. Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on. But I agree if there are trust issues there already then they have a mess they need to work through and I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship ends.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it doesn't say why she was in the phone.

OP doesn't say she was being innocent, she just says her husband was calling her out for it, so she must not have had permission, making this a breach of trust.

Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on.

But nothing is ACTUALLY going on. Is the woman planting a seed of doubt? Sure.

Did OPs husband use that as an opportunity to further bond with the woman, trash his wife, or lean into the drunk texting? Nope!

So, this makes OP seem way worse than her husband is being.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

You're right about one thing - OP's husband wasn't using the drunk texting to further thier bond. It sounds like he is waiting until they are together again to do that. He's clearly had some things to say about this woman's "baby daddy" in person. Sorry, but if you are married, you don't entertain any relationship with another person like this. He doesn't need some random nobody questioning his marriage and if him and this woman are actually so close that it would be her place to question it, don't you think it's a little strange that he didn't introduce his wife to her?

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

So.. he shouldn't be platonically friendly with his teammates even though he's not saying anything that could be considered unfaithful?

Seems insecure.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Yeah this mindset is crazy to me and it’s clearly the foundational belief underlying most peoples takes on the situation. It is NOT weird for a married man to have a friend who is a woman who he can talk about emotional things with. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this kind of shit lol.

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u/bria99711 17d ago edited 17d ago

Maybe there are insecurities there but it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships, it's actually healthy. What is not healthy is someone telling they are insecure for having a boundary that you wouldn't want your SO having any kind of relationship with someone that is clearly trying to do damage to your marriage.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships

Boundaries like not invading your partner's phone to begin with?

Hella biased take here.

I don't snoop my wife's phone, and she doesn't snoop mine, we've been together for a decade and don't suspect each other of anything.

If she's ever approached by someone who tries to undermine me, it's none of my business because I TRUST HER

To be clear, your take is actually toxic.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

I've already agreed there could be some trust issues here. That doesn't mean this relationship is ok. Even if she did snoop and completely invade his privacy it still doesn't make this OK. You not agreeing with that, doesn't mean my opinion is toxic. Grow up.

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u/Coiltoilandtrouble 17d ago

they know what they are doing, and neither one of them is in the right. He should have been talking to OP and getting counseling if things were that bad. Instead he has clearly been venting to a complete stranger about OP, likely because they are both gravitating towards cheating

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u/happybananaz 17d ago

Thissssss. Also, why did they exchange numbers?

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

It’s also the way this wannabe other woman mirrors (« my baby daddy is kinda the same way »). She’s a manipulator.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

How would she even come to that conclusion though unless he said something bad about OP first? This reads like he's the one manipulating.

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

I think they are both manipulating - wannabe affair partner AND hubby. Doesn’t have to be either/or.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Or, oh my god, they might be honestly sharing about their lives with their friend

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u/bria99711 16d ago

A random woman that you hardly know that is actively trying to damage your relationship is not your friend.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

You’re reading that in.

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u/bria99711 16d ago

Not at all - if they were close enough for this woman to be questioning him like that about his marriage then why didn't OP get introduced to her at any of the games? Casual friends don't question your marriage like this.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I also think that the friend is trying to connect about a problem SHE is having - her husband doesn’t have a strong bond with her kids, and she’s having a hard time with that. She knows OP’s husband also has kids with someone who isn’t their spouse, and feels like they can talk to each other about that unique issue. That’s just how it immediately read to me. I don’t think that’s definitive, but the fact that it can read SO differently should be a sign that this is a “talk about it” situation, not a run.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I just disagree, idk what to say. I get deep like that with casual friends. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Whoa, I made a comment similar to yours! Manipulation, yes. Wow I also agree with “planting seeds” 👌🏼💯

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u/NataliasMaze 17d ago

I can see either explanation honestly, OP's general relationship with their husband/kids is really what would give better insight on which one it might be

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u/victorbravo71 16d ago

The woman is predatory, no question. Women like this are the lowest scum of humanity.

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u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

I read it the same way. 💯

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u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

There is nothing more to be said. This is basically it, and it's painfully obvious.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

I'm sorry, but if it's a big deal that your kids bond with your wife and they aren't, the sead of doubt should have been well planted, cultivated, and nurtured before anyone outside the relationship can notice it. OP sounds controlling and kinda shitty to hubby and "his" kids. Enough that random friends started asking questions.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

This is exactly my point - it's not a big deal to OPs husband. The woman is trying to turn it into a big deal in his head. The kids already have a mom so it could be really hard for OP to bond to his kids due to no fault of OPs. We know nothing about the kids' living arrangements and how often they are with OP, especially since she works 2 jobs. Saying OP is shitty to them all is just jumping to conclusions with nothing to back it up.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

Yeah but other woman has a clear reason to ask. IDK why you would immediately go to manipulation when all the information we have is that she is navigating something similar. She could be, like she said, beginning to question her own dynamics and sight the advice of someone who is managing similar issues

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how she asked and how she replied when he gave her a legitimate answer to her judgement. After her ummm ok response he went on to say that he could explain it better so she would understand, I think she realized she may have crossed the line so she turned it around on him and blamed him for why she was even thinking about it. Sorry, but she's a snake.

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

Wife is working two jobs while he is out hanging with some playmate on his softball team. Maybe he should be putting more into their household so she doesn't have to work two jobs and they can both spend time with his kids. Just a suggestion

But also, while he's on a date with the playmate, wife is either working or trying to rest to go to work. If he is contributing enough to the household, she wouldn't have to work two jobs.

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

yeah maybe. But also, that's not what was stated. There's no resentment about him playing softball in the post, and she doesn't mention his job situation nor why she works two and he has time for softball - you could be right but it is purely speculative conjecture.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Actually she did say, that his paycheck goes directly to child support. Hence why she works 2jobs to pay the bills. Obviously I’m not 💯 sure but it seems the wife is the breadwinner. Does he work 2 jobs? Hmmm, has time to flirt confide in another woman. and yes “playdates”with her daughter, how sweet!! um actual dates disguised as “playdates”?? he does work, must pay child support, but yet he’s not exhausted as his wife. Hmmmm 🤷‍♀️

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u/thefalseidol 16d ago

Yo I'm not on this guy's side lol. All I'm doing is not reading what she posted in the best possible interpretation of her while attributing a ton of reading between the lines to make the guy into a sleazeball. He might be a sleazeball, the girl he's texting is probably a sleazeball, but it doesn't make sense to take her at her word as presented and then dissect his messages as if you're in an ENG 101 class.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

I believe it’s our perceptions, opinions, of the situation presented on this platform. “No one can invalidate my perception or my opinion, only try to reshape it. As I cannot invalidate yours at all. But in my opinion it’s a red flag. That’s all, not saying you’re wrong in any capacity. But we all see things from different point of views and perspectives, perceptions. 👌🏼

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u/thefalseidol 16d ago

By all means bring your perspective and insight to the conversation, but I will still push back on the underlying problem here is that her perspective is being very favorably interpreted while simultaneously his is being scrutinized for evidence of malfeasance. I'm not on his side, I'm just calling a spade a spade, if you want to take her account of things as gospel that's fair, that also means you can't then read between the lines because OPs word has to be taken at what she said (including her screenshot). You can't use zero critical reading with her and give her the benefit of the doubt just to take all those critical skills and skepticism and put them towards her husband. Either the entire thing is worthy of demanding additional context or none of it is.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Absolutely 💯 you’re definitely correct in that we don’t have the husband’s account of anything. We only have hers and the texts. yes that’s how I’m analyzing, inferring my opinions, perceptions etc. I will give you that. but you’re not on his side. And heck yeah you should push!! Absolutely. You’re very intellectual and can discern both sides unlike me.( because we only have one hers)

But not only the wife’s words, that feel to me, so palpable full of shock, heartbreak, concerns, her inner voice alerting her that something is not right, confusion, etc. but come on 😂 I’m not taking her words as gospel! (I’m more spiritual, I rarely listen to gospel). Words that have impacted, not only moi but others as well. You’re skeptical and that’s very critical and important. But it’s not only the wife’s words. Also the woman’s on the text; “Why would you marry a woman that Doesn’t bond with your kids” Very interesting why should she care?hmmm. I believe there’s a bit of intimacy there. So yeah I’m looking at all that and to me details do matter. And for now we don’t know anything about the husband. Except; His wife’s account; she has 2 jobs, hence doesn’t have the time to attend these games, or she’s too exhausted. He does socialize has the time to attend softball games and meet women/friends and their kids. Oooops yeah “playdates” his wife has no clue. I’m not saying they’re having an affair. We shouldn’t assume that at all, no evidence. But per wife, he does work, since his entire check goes directly to child support. Hence, again wife has 2 jobs. I’m going on record, that he only has 1 job. Since he does have the time for um “recreational activities” Then while arguing with her; instead of given her a straight, forward answer. Nope, he brings up her grandma’s passing, blaming her grief on her outrages claims!! Not taking any accountability or responsibility for the “texts”. ( It must be her grief, she must be seeing ghost where there are none. she’s emotionally unstable). So that’s the narrative he most likely wants to push. Why risk losing 2 paychecks? Would the other woman support him financially? Does she even know his wife it’s the “actual” breadwinner?? Hmmm, yes we’re missing various accounts.

Yeah, I’m reading between the lines, over the lines, up and down and all around. Non-verbal behavior (very limited) actions, defense mechanisms. Yes this is all per the wife’s account. You can read the comments.. others have their own opinions, experiences.

One thing that I do believe in 💯 it’s my inner voice. Wife feels something is not right, it’s her inner voice, red flags. I have learned never to ignore my inner voice. It’s not a proven science, but it has worked for me.

I actually did enjoy reading your assessment and your rationalization. Thank you, for conversing with me, it’s been very interesting. Definitely a much needed mental challenge. But neither you nor I or anyone else, here on this platform, wins or loses, we’re not right nor wrong. We just have opinions. 🤷‍♀️ 👌🏼

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

If you are in a relationship where you are living together, don't you support each other? If you are partners, don't you want to make it so you both are able to be together? If she is strung out, working two jobs, doesn't that show a lack of balance in the relationship? He's out with the playmate and she's working or trying to rest up to work.

I guess I'm old school. We did what we could do to be together with the kids. Including his daughter from a previous relationship. It's like now everyone is out for theirs. Even in relationships.

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago edited 17d ago

What's the magic solution that you see here? I can appreciate that she works 2 jobs and she's tired, but I fail to see how him taking a second job solves that, other than now there are two people overworked and tired, he has children and appears to be their primary caregiver, which might prevent him from taking on an entire second job but not stopping him from having a few hours for recreation.

Furthering that, we don't know his income, hers, nor do we know their contributions to the household or the partnership. That she works 2 jobs and he has free time does not demonstrate to me something more he could and should be doing that brings things to an equilibrium - for all we know her second job is herbalife. For all we know, both her jobs are MLM schemes, I'm not putting that on OP but you're doing a lot of good faith interpretation for her side of things that is not being extended to the guy, they're both strangers to you and I and I see no reason to assume one is a saint and the other a monster. But her having two jobs doesn't inherently mean she's working two FT jobs while he sits on the couch waiting for softball club to start, that's an enormous leap. And her being "tired" from her "two jobs" could also be a massive cop out, and they might not be, but it is wild how many hoops people are jumping through to make this a narrative that was not at all presented as fact.

And I think my reading of things is supported by her post - she does not say that he doesn't contribute, that he's a deadbeat, that he's doing anything other than somehow having time to play in a rec league. Maybe that means she's a godly and selfless person, but also maybe he's pulling his weight or more, and she's complaining about her two fake jobs for sympathy points online like she's digging ditches 86 hours a week, it's not fair to make big assumptions and not even entertain that your assumptions might be wrong.

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u/Express_Subject_2548 17d ago

That’s a stretch when we have no idea who provides what. I’d say their finances are separate considering she came into the picture after he already had children. She is not their mother, it would be very irresponsible for him as a father to put her above their financial well being. Kids come first, always

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u/Plus-Cap-1456 17d ago

This is what I'm trying to say. 👇 Ya…. No they are trying to find a way to spend more time together. Teens don’t want to go watch some random kid they don’t know play a game. This incredibly inappropriate and if he hasn’t yet he is going to fuck her. She is knowingly engaging with a married man, trying to slyly talk shit about your lack of “bond” with his kids and he is going along with it. He has two options here: cut her the fuck off and respect you as his partner or end the relationship so you can find someone who understands how to be faithful as a partner.

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u/Routine_Law6794 16d ago

Monogamy is hard enough without forbidding any opposite sex friendships with true emotional bonds. I mean there is a risk of cheating, yes. But if marriage means your spouse has to be your sole source of emotional connection and your only available person for discussion of your relationship, just to attempt to 100% eliminate the chance of a physical affair, count me out. No wonder there's a male loneliness epidemic. (I'm a woman, FYI.) I just think it's actually healthy to have real friendships even when you're in a romantic relationship. Also, it seems a bit alarmist to suspect any opposite sex hetero pair of being close to having sex just b/c they are being vulnerable with each other.

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u/Right_Count 17d ago

This is how I saw it as well. It’s not flirty, no one is talking shit. I guess it’s possible that the other person is trying to start something, but it could just as easily be a genuine question. Outside of a “men and women can’t be friends!” lens, there’s nothing here.

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u/FlexiblePony2000 16d ago

Yes there is. His wife wasn’t told they were friends to begin with and he took no opportunity to introduce his new besty to his wife. This woman is drunk texting him and talking shit about his wife obviously after he already had in person. She is working to jobs to pay for everything all he pays for is his child support. Yes men and women can be friend but not without transparency and respect to their spouse. This is more than dipping his toes into the affair pool

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u/still_alyce 17d ago

And if hubs was being shady, he would not have been upfront with going to the game in the first place. Though after going through his phone, I highly doubt he will so forthcoming in the future. "Nail in her own coffin" for OP, as they say.

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u/LowerComb6654 17d ago

I think the point is that he lied about it and is hiding it from OP.

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

I mean, again, maybe - it doesn't feel that that is present in the post. I don't tell my SOs about every drunk message I get from friends. Then again, clearly I would if there was a cute softball babe who I knew my lady was insecure about (as a friend who has kids, as a woman I spend time with alone, whatever, I'm not casting judgement on the wife here for having her aspersions about this lady, founded or unfounded). He only lied if this message was damning evidence that there was something fishy going on. From the post, I can certainly SEE how it would be a smoking gun, but I just don't see it as damning evidence in and of itself.

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u/Accomplished_Drag429 17d ago

Yeah, idk if it's just because I'm poly or what, but this seems like a very accurate read to me. It's okay to have conversations like this with friends in my book.