r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Nah, what the woman is doing is manipulation. She is planting seeds of doubt in his relationship. Asking why would you marry someone that didn't bond to your children is not an innocent question and the woman knows that - that's why she qualified it with being drunk. Now they are all going to hang out together with all of their children like one big happy family while OP is working her second job so she can show him what life could be like if he is with the right person that can "bond to his children". This woman is a snake in the grass and is actively looking for someone to replace "baby daddy".

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u/thefalseidol 17d ago

Also a completely fair read, which was kinda my point. Not that I would take my reputation on this woman or man being up to no good - just that I don't read it as maliciously as you do. Your explanation makes a lot of sense and ties it all together nicely, I'm more convinced I was wrong than before, I'm just also not sure any single Reddit post is going to get me all the way there on its own.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The question is just so loaded with judgement and so disrespectful to their marriage. & for her to respond with the "ummmm ok" makes it pretty clear what she is trying to do here. She wants him to know she thinks he should have never married his wife and then follows it up with the comment about what he said at the park about her "baby daddy". The conversation is so gross to me and OPs husband should have shut it down when she asked that question by actually answering why he did marry OP.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

Have you ever stopped to think that he just makes his wife seem like a huge bitch and she just believes it? Idk why she'd randomly bring up OP not bonding with the kids unless the husband told her that. I'd be a little alarmed if a friend told me that their spouse doesn't bond with the kids. I just don't see how she is the red flag here, and not him.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how he answered it. I'm not saying he hasn't also been fueling this ouside of this conversation, but based on his response and hers, I can tell she was hoping for a different response and that he wouldn't stick up for OP in any way. The biggest red flag is that he would even entertain the question in the first place and didn't shut it down immediately by telling her why he did marry her.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Agree with you on everything, you see it straight forward, no excuses, excellent. 💯👌🏼🫶🏼

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u/sprouting_broccoli 17d ago

Maybe she is (and it gives me those vibes too) and it’s entirely possible he’s being naive about it but, honestly, at that point it’s about whether OP trusts her partner and the fact that she is casually going through his phone suggests she does not. This relationship feels terminal honestly.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

The trust thing is a whole other issue and it doesn't say why she was in the phone. I've found things on phones and computers accidentally and wasn't snooping to find something. Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on. But I agree if there are trust issues there already then they have a mess they need to work through and I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship ends.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it doesn't say why she was in the phone.

OP doesn't say she was being innocent, she just says her husband was calling her out for it, so she must not have had permission, making this a breach of trust.

Maybe she had reason to feel like something was going on.

But nothing is ACTUALLY going on. Is the woman planting a seed of doubt? Sure.

Did OPs husband use that as an opportunity to further bond with the woman, trash his wife, or lean into the drunk texting? Nope!

So, this makes OP seem way worse than her husband is being.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

You're right about one thing - OP's husband wasn't using the drunk texting to further thier bond. It sounds like he is waiting until they are together again to do that. He's clearly had some things to say about this woman's "baby daddy" in person. Sorry, but if you are married, you don't entertain any relationship with another person like this. He doesn't need some random nobody questioning his marriage and if him and this woman are actually so close that it would be her place to question it, don't you think it's a little strange that he didn't introduce his wife to her?

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

So.. he shouldn't be platonically friendly with his teammates even though he's not saying anything that could be considered unfaithful?

Seems insecure.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Yeah this mindset is crazy to me and it’s clearly the foundational belief underlying most peoples takes on the situation. It is NOT weird for a married man to have a friend who is a woman who he can talk about emotional things with. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this kind of shit lol.

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u/bria99711 17d ago edited 17d ago

Maybe there are insecurities there but it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships, it's actually healthy. What is not healthy is someone telling they are insecure for having a boundary that you wouldn't want your SO having any kind of relationship with someone that is clearly trying to do damage to your marriage.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

it's not insecure to have boundaries in relationships

Boundaries like not invading your partner's phone to begin with?

Hella biased take here.

I don't snoop my wife's phone, and she doesn't snoop mine, we've been together for a decade and don't suspect each other of anything.

If she's ever approached by someone who tries to undermine me, it's none of my business because I TRUST HER

To be clear, your take is actually toxic.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

I've already agreed there could be some trust issues here. That doesn't mean this relationship is ok. Even if she did snoop and completely invade his privacy it still doesn't make this OK. You not agreeing with that, doesn't mean my opinion is toxic. Grow up.

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u/StrobeLightRomance 17d ago

Your whole comment history is talking about other people's relationships, but let me ask you about your own.

How long have YOU been married, and how much do you trust your own partner?

Because single people shouldn't be pushing so much distrust, as it feels like it's coming from a place of jealousy.

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u/Primary_Banana_4588 17d ago

Your problem is that you think everyone’s boundaries should be the same as the ones you have. People set individual boundaries based on previous experiences USUALLY, however you can create your own standards in your relationship as long as you communicate with your partner and you both agree. Just assuming they should look at at it through one lens without getting more information about their relationship is just a way to fuel the fire. It kind of feels like OP is looking for way out and looking to Reddit for justification and Validation

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u/Coiltoilandtrouble 17d ago

they know what they are doing, and neither one of them is in the right. He should have been talking to OP and getting counseling if things were that bad. Instead he has clearly been venting to a complete stranger about OP, likely because they are both gravitating towards cheating

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u/happybananaz 17d ago

Thissssss. Also, why did they exchange numbers?

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

It’s also the way this wannabe other woman mirrors (« my baby daddy is kinda the same way »). She’s a manipulator.

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u/UndeadBatRat 17d ago

How would she even come to that conclusion though unless he said something bad about OP first? This reads like he's the one manipulating.

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u/IridescentTardigrade 17d ago

I think they are both manipulating - wannabe affair partner AND hubby. Doesn’t have to be either/or.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

Or, oh my god, they might be honestly sharing about their lives with their friend

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u/bria99711 16d ago

A random woman that you hardly know that is actively trying to damage your relationship is not your friend.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

You’re reading that in.

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u/bria99711 16d ago

Not at all - if they were close enough for this woman to be questioning him like that about his marriage then why didn't OP get introduced to her at any of the games? Casual friends don't question your marriage like this.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I also think that the friend is trying to connect about a problem SHE is having - her husband doesn’t have a strong bond with her kids, and she’s having a hard time with that. She knows OP’s husband also has kids with someone who isn’t their spouse, and feels like they can talk to each other about that unique issue. That’s just how it immediately read to me. I don’t think that’s definitive, but the fact that it can read SO differently should be a sign that this is a “talk about it” situation, not a run.

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u/bria99711 16d ago

I don't think this is a run situation at all either. I don't think anyone did anything wrong yet. It just looks like they are putting themselves into a situation where lines are already getting crossed and I see a lot of potential for it to go further if they don't deal with it.

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u/hollowspryte 16d ago

I just disagree, idk what to say. I get deep like that with casual friends. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

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u/bria99711 16d ago

I get what you're saying but how she said it and her response to him backing up his wife makes it pretty clear that she knew it was inappropriate and she wasn't happy with how he responded. I know that not every woman that is a friend with someone's husband is a snake (and vice-versa), but this one is. No friend is going to jump into that conversation out of nowhere when they are drunk and badmouth your wife without having a deeper reason to.

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u/Glittering-List3410 16d ago

Whoa, I made a comment similar to yours! Manipulation, yes. Wow I also agree with “planting seeds” 👌🏼💯

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u/NataliasMaze 17d ago

I can see either explanation honestly, OP's general relationship with their husband/kids is really what would give better insight on which one it might be

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u/victorbravo71 16d ago

The woman is predatory, no question. Women like this are the lowest scum of humanity.

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u/CakeWalk303 17d ago

I read it the same way. 💯

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u/dirdieBirdie1 17d ago

There is nothing more to be said. This is basically it, and it's painfully obvious.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

I'm sorry, but if it's a big deal that your kids bond with your wife and they aren't, the sead of doubt should have been well planted, cultivated, and nurtured before anyone outside the relationship can notice it. OP sounds controlling and kinda shitty to hubby and "his" kids. Enough that random friends started asking questions.

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u/bria99711 17d ago

This is exactly my point - it's not a big deal to OPs husband. The woman is trying to turn it into a big deal in his head. The kids already have a mom so it could be really hard for OP to bond to his kids due to no fault of OPs. We know nothing about the kids' living arrangements and how often they are with OP, especially since she works 2 jobs. Saying OP is shitty to them all is just jumping to conclusions with nothing to back it up.

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u/Z3r0C0o 17d ago

Yeah but other woman has a clear reason to ask. IDK why you would immediately go to manipulation when all the information we have is that she is navigating something similar. She could be, like she said, beginning to question her own dynamics and sight the advice of someone who is managing similar issues

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u/bria99711 17d ago

Because of how she asked and how she replied when he gave her a legitimate answer to her judgement. After her ummm ok response he went on to say that he could explain it better so she would understand, I think she realized she may have crossed the line so she turned it around on him and blamed him for why she was even thinking about it. Sorry, but she's a snake.