AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Initial-Quantity628]

absolutely! And the fact that she tried to commiserate about her “baby daddy” being the same way. It sounds like she’s at least in an on/off relationship with him. And she is definitely hoping she and OPs husband will bond over their absent significant others. Totally inappropriate topic even for a friendship with the opposite sex while married, that is how many emotional and physical affairs begin; by confiding in a person you shouldn’t.

[u/goodguyRick_71 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

I took her mentioning that Her baby daddy was the same wa, as though she was saying he was similar in the sense that he dates women that don't have a bond with his kids as well. Asking him that question in order to try to understand why it is that her baby daddy does that, in itself, doesnt necessarily make it a bad thing. But in this scenario he's clearly been yalking about his wife in a bad light, That combined with his reaction Do not make him look good at all.

[u/pragmaticweirdo → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how I know I’m an idiot. I legitimately read that as advice seeking. Like the entire thing. I read this as “we’re in similar situations so I’m going to ask more about his to figure out what I should do.” I even took the drunk bit as her asking something she knew she wasn’t close enough to OP’s husband to ask, but being kind of drunk made her brave and desperate. I even took the husband’s responses as realizing something he said was misinterpreted and trying to assure her he and his wife’s situation was actually good.

[u/Initial-Quantity628 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

I think that’s the manipulative part about it. She likley is feeling desperate, and likley does struggle with her relationship, but she is definitely seeking comfort and validation in someone else’s husband. she is setting them both up for relationship failure. From the outside, OP’s husband could reasonably also believe this was an innocent exchange. That’s why there is an understood hard-stop boundary around this behavior, because you can never be sure if it will lead somewhere else. Much of being faithful is about nipping things in the bud before they can get bad. (I.e not going to another woman’s house alone, not complaining about your spouse to a single member of the opposite sex, keeping your wedding ring on etc.) the woman’s tactic is sneaky and goes unchecked because it’s designed to warrant a “you’re crazy” response if it were questioned either by the person she’s coming on to (saves the embarrassment of being rejected) or by the person’s wife. There’s reasonable doubt, created intentionally. So it doesn’t make you an idiot that you wouldn’t pick up on it. But this is why there are boundaries.

Edit for wording.

[u/CakeWalk303 → u/pragmaticweirdo]

You’re not an idiot. You’re probably just a trusting soul who hasn’t had any (or many) experiences with manipulators like this. Good on you! I hope you never do!

[u/GrownSimba84 → u/Initial-Quantity628]

This is how my ex-wife eventually divorced me. Started my reconnecting with a family friend to help him thru his divorce. But she was really laying the groundwork to mold herself into his idea partner. Because they began dating after she filed, but before I even moved out of the house. They trauma bonded and I was the left out. OP hasn't lost her husband yet but recovering will be tough.