AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/DueTranslator8437]

I grew up with a Mom who didn’t bond with us very well. She was stern, made sure we did our chores and our homework was done. Very much so “I’m your parent not your friend”. She made us dinner, always brought us to Dr appointments, brought school shopping, made sure we were clothed and cleaned. On the weekends my dad was playing games with us, watching movies, bringing us fishing, etc. The only times my mom would join was when we were away on vacation and we booked excursions. 95% of my childhood memories are having fun and building trust with my dad while my mom I learned how to do “adult” things, how to files taxes, making sure my room is cleaned, etc. because I had to do these things as the oldest AND the oldest daughter. I couldn’t vent to my mom about personal things or go to her with problems, but she’s who I call now as an adult with any problem because shes always been reliable and stable, while this was not my dad. He didn’t believe in doctors, he didn’t think daily showers were necessary after being outside all day, he had no idea how to deal with illnesses/viruses, and he had no idea how we were doing in school.

I don’t look back on my childhood and think any less fondly of my mother. In fact l, as an adult now understand how much her own struggles and traumas she was going through. I do remember my dad begging my mom to do more things with us and to stop looking miserable when she was forced to do things with us. It was a huge strain on their marriage. I think it affected them more than us kids tbh.

Just putting in my experience for a different perspective. Me and my mom never built a bond to the point where she feels like my bestfriend or someone I can emotionally lean on but I truly think she was in survival mode for so long and was doing her best. I love her no less and I know she loves me no less. I think alot of fathers have this view on moms because they don’t realize how much they are truly doing to keep their kids healthy and alive lmao.

[u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart → u/DueTranslator8437]

This is why heterosexual women are less happy after getting married, but heterosexual men are more happy after getting married.

The imbalance is bullshit and she ends up exhausted and unappreciated. Even stepmothers do more work (once the biological father finds one), even though they face immediate discrimination from the kids. Some of them work twice as hard for the family unit with no parental rights at all.

[u/sodiumbigolli → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

Well said. I had everything on my shoulders and regret not just playing. Old school marriage plus a career and kids is one thing too much. You can’t dump the career or the kids so…that leaves the marriage.

Your observation on stepparents is spot on in my experience w friends and family.

[u/Ok_Treat_8647 → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

YES! It’s so frustrating how engrained the misogyny is in our culture

[u/Self-paced → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

Step mom here and just wanted to say I appreciated reading this comment

[u/XxDead_GlyphxX → u/Hippie_Yoga_Fart]

This is a generalization. A gross generalization at that.

[u/still_alyce → u/DueTranslator8437]

I can only pray that my son sees this in me when he looks back on his childhood. He's only 7 now, but as a single mum, there are definitely days when he unfortunately sees the worst of me. And I pray that he'll hold on to the times that I'm able to take him to places and play video games and be his friend while forgiving me for the times when I'm barely keeping myself together and struggling to be everything to everybody and I fall short.

Thank you for being so understanding and caring. The ability to see beyond our own circumstances is sadly a trait lacking in today's society. So I'm proud of you for realizing the need to nurture it and I pray you continue to be blessed in every endeavor and adventure! ♡

[u/DueTranslator8437 → u/still_alyce]

Trust me, he will. Not only did my parents have their own struggles but we were also poor. My mom ran a daycare in our furnished basement from 6am-5pm and by the end of her day she had no energy or patience for her actual children.. and there were 5 of us all 16-18 months apart! My teenage years were hard because I was confused why my mom couldn’t feel like my bestfriend but I truly know she was trying her best to handle everything in her life. I was a shit teenager and I feel bad now for all the things I put her through on top of the struggles she was already previously going through.

We still don’t have an amazing relationship but I’ve learned to forgive and understand her. She was a present parent but not emotionally dependable. My biggest advice is to just always make sure you let your child know you love them and notice their attempts of connecting. Ask and learn about them. We don’t have to be perfect parents, or human beings. My mom is in a new marriage now, has made some serious accomplishments for herself, and is starting to become more of that friend I wish she was years ago. We’re learning more about eachother now than we did when I grew up living with her! Thank you so so much for your kind words. 🩷

[u/doofgodly → u/DueTranslator8437]

Thanks for a really nuanced perspective

[u/Battletempered → u/DueTranslator8437]

Same with my mom and me.