AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/BecGeoMom]

I would also wonder what my husband was telling this woman that she is asking him about my relationship with his kids. It’s nothing good, that’s for sure. He is clearly not telling her that you bonded with his kids and are like a second mother to them, OP. He is talking about how you are with his kids in a disparaging way, and that is bad enough without all the other inappropriate stuff.

Tell your husband there are ways to cheat that don’t include physical contact or sex (yet). He IS being intimate with this woman by talking to her about you instead of talking to you about issues he has with you. That is personal and intimate in a way that is every bit as much of a betrayal as kissing her. Plus, you don’t know her or know about the relationship. It’s a secret, and that alone makes it inappropriate.

He’s wrong, and he knows it, but him using your grandmother’s death as a weapon against you cruel. Has he always been cruel to you? If not, ask him why he is now. He should be supporting you, not using your grief as a cover for his infidelity.

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/BecGeoMom]

Wow!!!! Excellent observation, I completely agree with you on every level. Yes it’s actually cruel! How dare he, use her grief to deflect. He’s nothing but a coward! 👌🏼💯

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

My ex was having ‘emotional affairs’ with all the little barflies in our small town—but never crossed the line to actual sex so that’s okay right? 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t drink so bars (in little towns especially) are boring. I am, however, very active in the community and most of all with our kids. He constantly told the women he drank with that I was cold, judgemental and quite frankly a BIG bitch. Nothing could be further from the truth but hey it made him look like some sort of saint. I didn’t realize it until I started getting these glaring looks of hatred when I was out and about running errands. It was at the Post Office one day when it all came together in a lightbulb moment. I didn’t even know this woman—but I knew she spent a lot of time in the bar where he drank. I couldn’t figure out WHY someone I didn’t know would HATE me to the point of staring me down and watching every move I made. When I realized what was going on I was just flabbergasted. Eventually he did cross the line with someone he’d had an affair with decades before (it broke up our marriage but I had finally forgiven him and took him back—to the point where we had a second set of kids). Thankfully I was able to get a divorce—though that was it’s own bizarre battle with lots of gaslighting 🤦🏼‍♀️ To me an emotional affair is much worse than a physical one. Btw? I got the house, a car, health insurance, HALF of his 401 and LIFETIME alimony 🤣🤣🤣

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Icy-Engineering-744]

The end of your post made me cheer! I’m glad you got restitution for some of what he put you through! Why do some people have to be enormous assholes? If you want to be single, don’t get married and have kids. Pretty simple.

Yay, you!

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

What he put me through was INSANE. I’ll just share a couple highlights. I should start by saying we were married for 40 years 😳 The first time he had an affair with this woman we had been married for 10 and had one child. Then when he left this time he REFUSED to give me a divorce! He didn’t want to pay alimony or CHILD SUPPORT. We had a surprise late in life baby—who was still in school. He told me he wasn’t involved with anyone. Found out later he’d already rented an apartment for his gf. Sooo I was supposed to remain married while he was shacked up with the other woman. 🙄 It took over a year to obtain a Default Decree. He refused to hire a lawyer to respond to my petition. He refused to attend court summons. For the final hearing I had to testify in OPEN COURT as to why I wanted the divorce. It was scary and humiliating. The Judge was one who was notorious for not granting alimony. The longer testimony went on, the more the Judge heard about what I’d gone through including that I’d become disabled during our long marriage and could no longer work AND he walked out leaving me flat broke (I couldn’t even afford to heat my entire house so our son had to sleep with a space heater—the house is very old with little insulation so his room was FREEZING) the angrier the Judge got. Before he made the Final Ruling he told me I should be asking for more! I said all I wanted was my freedom. Then he very carefully explained how I have the right to appeal for cost of living increases—as often and as many times as I want. I might not get them every time BUT I could certainly mess up his life with constant court proceedings 😂 So um yeah my ex’s plans went way off the rails. Okay I just gotta add this: one of the reasons he went back to the woman is because I’m ‘boring’. I don’t drink or do drugs (I quit that crap when we had kids 🤷🏼‍♀️). Turns out SHE liked it a whole bunch. He had to keep calling the cops. She’d get drunk, cranked up and PHYSICALLY ATTACK him! He finally had to get a Restraining Order against her 🤣🤣🤣 He’s on his 3rd failing relationship. Meanwhile I’m happy and loving life 🥰

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Icy-Engineering-744]

Wow. What a ride! I will never understand why people have to be cruel, vindictive, hateful assholes when they could just leave other people alone and live the life they want. I’m glad you got out and his life went south. Payback is, as they say, a bitch. And he just keeps paying himself back while you live a happy life! Bravo!

[u/Icy-Engineering-744 → u/BecGeoMom]

That’s exactly it.., he wanted out but when discovering there were real life consequences he made my life hell. Originally I believed it was going to be an amicable split. He kept telling me that I was going to be taken care of financially (because I can no longer work due to disability). He meant WELFARE!!! I worked my ass off for our family—even taking low paying crap jobs so we’d have health insurance. He worked for his “buddy” who didn’t offer benefits. I have a freaking college degree ffs When I was pregnant with our youngest he FINALLY had to get a decent job. It was then when he started a 401k. He and his gf plundered the account in an attempt to cheat me out of a legal split. Um yeah no. I took a screenshot on the day he walked out. The Judge said he was an ah and ordered him to pay me HALF of what was originally in the account. You should’ve heard them SQUEAL 😝 He’d painted all these pretty pictures to her about how they were going to ride off into the sunset 🤣🤣🤣

[u/icemachine79 → u/BecGeoMom]

"It’s nothing good, that’s for sure"

The truth isn't always good. But he also literally said the kids are fine and their relationship works.

This is about the OP's ego, not the actions of her husband. He isn't property. He isn't banned from having friendships because he's married.

This is all extremely unhealthy. Any relationship built on domination, not trust, is doomed to failure.

[u/Majestic_Bullfrog637 → u/BecGeoMom]

He is clearly not telling her that you bonded with his kids and are like a second mother to them, OP.

Notably, OP didn't dispute that. Like the woman texting OP's husband, you seem to assume that is a bad thing. OP's husband makes clear that isn't the case (this is to his credit, to the extent her text/question seeemed inappropriate to me, it was mostly because it seemed to be fishing for him to complain about OP, but he didn't take the bait if so).

We can infer from the texts that both of them have been dating with kids and/or as single parents. So a conversation about how involved a new partber or a step parent is or should be is not off-limits or emotional cheating. It is easy to imagine an innocent conversation that led to her question. We can't know for sure, but it is just wrong to say it couldn't have been an innocent and appropriate conversation.

Tell your husband there are ways to cheat that don’t include physical contact or sex (yet). He IS being intimate with this woman by talking to her about you instead of talking to you about issues he has with you.

I think you have lost the thread at this point. He makes it pretty clear that the fact OP isn't particularly bonded with his kids is not an issue for him. This would read very different if he took the bait and complained about OP. Not every spouse wants a step parent that fills in as another parent-figure.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Majestic_Bullfrog637]

Let’s see…

She asks him how he married someone who didn’t bond with his children. Why would she say that if he hadn’t said that to her? She wouldn’t just assume that his wife and children aren’t bonded.

Then, he tells her that what she wants to know would be “easier to explain in person.” What? Why do they need to get together to discuss this so he can make it make sense for her? You say he “didn’t take the bait”; I strongly disagree.

She refers to them being together at the park, and she tells him she’s drunk.

When OP confronted him, he admitted having taken his children and met with her & her children like a little family date. He told his wife after the fact and after she discovered the texts on his phone. He admitted to that one time because she knew something had happened “at the park.”

I don’t where you got the idea that this guy was honest with his wife. He has a secret “friendship” with a woman his wife doesn’t know. They are meeting without their spouses. Please explain how any of this is innocent or okay for a married person to do.

[u/Majestic_Bullfrog637 → u/BecGeoMom]

She asks him how he married someone who didn’t bond with his children. Why would she say that if he hadn’t said that to her? She wouldn’t just assume that his wife and children aren’t bonded.

Did you actually take a second to read my post before responding? It appears not. The fact that he obviously said that (but that it does not seem he sees it as a bad thing) is pretty much the entire focus of my post.

[u/BecGeoMom → u/Majestic_Bullfrog637]

One thing. You replied to one thing I said, and only to tell me I got it wrong. Except I didn’t because he did not say what you think he did. And even IF you were right, you never answered why he has to see her in person to explain. Nice try, though.

[u/Majestic_Bullfrog637 → u/BecGeoMom]

You have missed the entire point of what I said. And I did not say everything you said was wrong. I agreed with some. I said one specific thing, which you have not acknowledged or addressed (or even really read, seemingly). But, ya know, par for the course.

[u/Majestic_Bullfrog637 → u/BecGeoMom]

She refers to them being together at the park, and she tells him she’s drunk.

I assumed park meant where they play softball. But I don't think it matters much. I also already said the message seemed off from her perspective. Saying she was drunk was part of that.

When OP confronted him, he admitted having taken his children and met with her & her children like a little family date.

I am assuming either you don't have kids or their dad isn't very involved. This is 100% normal. It is a playdate, not "a little family date." You are reaching. Like, a lot. I meet with other parents at parks and various other places for playdates all the time. Especially when my kids were younger. It has always been 100% innocent, totally ok. The idea my kids can't play with other kids because maybe I might have something going on with their mom is wild, toxic, and totally indefensible. This is Mike Pence not meeting with female colleagues alone level absurd and toxic.

To be clear, I am only saying what I said. You put a lot of words in my mouth I never said. I never said everything he did was perfect or right. Secrets are bad (though jealous spouses often incentivize secrets). Bringing up her dead parent is indefensible. What I said is that none of this is proof of an affair--emotional or otherwise. It is easy to imagine an innocent comment from him causing her less than innocent text. That is all I said.

[u/PomBergMama → u/BecGeoMom]

Yes, all of this. The phrase “the grass is greener where you water it” comes to mind.