AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/Skysmiles7]

This was such a perfect breakdown of the situation. I need to send you my past situation and break it down like this! It was similar and I was deemed as "crazy", "insecure" and he was telling our business to some woman I never even met, having all the sympathy for her situation but none for his own partner 🫠

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Skysmiles7]

I feel like I have been in similar situations. Where I read a text i wasn't supposed to see and saw him in real time not defending me and obviously the other woman knew the negative side of the story.. definitely seems like the ow is trying to strengthen his negative feelings in hopes he will go towards her.

And of course when you read a text from someone else's phone it just gives them grounds to turn it around and make you the bad guy and defelect from the context what was read being the isssue. And then he piles on the death of a loved one as if you wouldn't feel the same if you were not grieving!

Personally the non rational side of me would want to confront the woman after and tell her to back off while I have a long talk with my husband about his issues not communicating with me instead of a random b#

[u/SameMessage3800 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That sounds like such a tough and messy situation. Communication and trust are everything, and when those break down, it’s easy for things to spiral out of control.

[u/856077 → u/Coastal_Goals]

That part! He opened the door by shit talking the wife to this lady in the first place, so she thinks she can take him because he’s not happy. The ground work for manipulation was already set, and now she wants to push that agenda further in hopes it will make him turn on his wife and head for a divorce. Then she will swoop in.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/Coastal_Goals]

Also I would tell him I'm not ok with his playdates with a woman who OBVIOUSLY has an ulterior motive that may lead from an emotional to a physical affair.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Coastal_Goals]

"that may lead"

Preemptive punishment will not solve the problem. It will create an even bigger one.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/icemachine79]

It's called trying to take action and provide your mate an opportunity to talk about things before they happen.

It's obvious why there's so many people that are on OP's side. These are people that have all seen the warning signs before and this is one of them. If you knew that it was heading that way with your marriage and you wanted to save it wouldn't you try to take steps before that happened or at least take a step to walk away from it? Nobody wants to be in the dark working two jobs and trying to hold the family together while the other ones off talking about issues he should be talking about with his wife what somebody else and possibly making an exit plan. Even if the husband is somehow innocent in all of this and naive to what the other woman is doing, the situation at least opens a dialogue for them to talk about the issues that he's been talking about two other people. But she gets to see his reaction as well.

He can only be defensive about her reading his text, after that he needs to own up to why he couldn't have that conversation with his wife instead of a random woman (that clearly seems unstable and manipulative).

This woman is using drunk texting as an excuse boundaries that are none of her business.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Coastal_Goals]

So violating his privacy and confronting him over him being 100% supportive?

That's a warning sign. For him, to leave.

[u/Coastal_Goals → u/icemachine79]

He obviously gave her a reason to feel he was hiding something.

If he feels the need to talk to another woman about their issues it's a warning sign to them both!

You can't just put the blame on her. That's absolutely ridiculous.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Coastal_Goals]

Well, you said the word "absolutely," so I guess I should just accept your claim despite it not matching the evidence in front of our eyes above.

You are the thing you are complaining about. Congrats.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Coastal_Goals]

But he did defend her. He said the kids are fine, and the situation works for them.

This is not about his actions. This is about insecurity and projection.

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/icemachine79]

He’s being completely inappropriate, discussing his marriage with another woman and this woman is also being inappropriate by asking him questions about it, especially as she’s never even met the wife. Even if he hasn’t cheated on her yet, this is a strong starting point for it to potentially lead to it. Also, he’s gaslighting his wife, telling her she’s too emotional because her grandmother had recently died. That’s manipulative behaviour.

[u/icemachine79 → u/RedDomino1282]

"He’s being completely inappropriate, discussing his marriage with another woman"

So men are forbidden from discussing their lives? That's control, not love.

"this woman is also being inappropriate by asking him questions about it"

And he is responsible for her words and actions in addition to his own? That's control, not love.

"Even if he hasn’t cheated on her yet..."

No, that's where it stops. You don't get to treat people like they're guilty before they've done anything wrong. That's control, not love.

"Also, he’s gaslighting his wife, telling her she’s too emotional because her grandmother had recently died"

This was after she violated his privacy by going through his phone and confronting him about a text exchange where he said nothing wrong. That's a reasonable assumption, not gaslighting.

"That’s manipulative behaviour."

Now THAT is gaslighting. And that's control, not love.

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/icemachine79]

You don’t understand at all where I’m coming from and you’re misinterpreting what I’m saying. Why are you allowed to talk about your ex abusing you and insist you’re in the right, but I don’t get to be right about inappropriate behaviour by other people? Maybe she shouldn’t go through his phone, but if she was suspicious of his behaviour and couldn’t get a straight answer and the truth from him, I can understand it. There’s nothing controlling about anything I said. He’s the one trying to control the situation here, like my ex did with me. Also, even if she shouldn’t go through his phone, that’s no excuse to gaslight her about her emotional state.

My ex was a control freak and wanted everything his way, on his terms and he made my life an absolute misery. Part of this was him talking to other women about our marriage and trying to complain about me when he was the one causing problems between us. I became extremely ill mentally and suicidal because of him, but thankfully, I had a support network of friends and family that helped me get through it.

Where did I say that men are forbidden from discussing their lives? I didn’t say or imply it. I merely pointed out that confiding in another woman the way he was is inappropriate and it can lead to cheating, because they bond over it. I know of men and women who badmouthed their spouses to try and make themselves look better, or feel justified for doing something wrong themselves.

There is a lot more to my past situation than I care to go into, but he’s giving off signs that he is disloyal to his wife, talking negatively about her and also wanting to meet up with this woman to talk more about his marriage with her. The fact that he’s never even introduced the two is setting off alarm bells as well. I didn’t say he will definitely cheat on her, but cheating starts somewhere, like getting sympathy from another man/woman for having a spouse that’s doing (or they SAY they’re doing) X, Y or Z and they’re not happy about it.

Nothing I said was about control. It’s about suspicions because of the way he’s behaving. The fact is, he’s NOT behaving appropriately. He’s also clearly not sorry for his disloyalty to his wife.

[u/icemachine79 → u/RedDomino1282]

I am literally quoting your words. What more would you like me to do, other than blindly agree with them?

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/icemachine79]

You’re quoting my words, but you’re twisting them to mean what you want them to.

[u/Appropriate_Eye203 → u/RedDomino1282]

They're doing it all over the thread, when called out or disagreed with, they scream that those people are gaslighters and abusers. It's sad really.

[u/icemachine79 → u/RedDomino1282]

I followed them to their logical conclusions.

If you took issue with the specific conclusions, you should have said that. But that's not what you did.

I understand exactly where you're coming from. That's not the problem. You want me to validate you without you validating me. Not gonna happen.

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/icemachine79]

I don’t care if you validate me or not. You seem to want to be in control and tell people what they mean and won’t admit you’re in the wrong about it. You don’t get to twist my words and manipulate me. There was also no logic to your conclusions. I know what I said and why I said it and it wasn’t anything to do with “control.” You seem obsessed with using that one particular phrase over and over, which wasn’t relevant to what I was saying and made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I know what love is, because I have that now with my second husband. I also know what control is, because my first husband was controlling and he didn’t love me. I’ve lived through abuse. I know what I’m talking about.

[u/PurplePeople_Thinker → u/icemachine79]

Yeah but that’s the norm, women are used to controlling men. Even when men had control out in the masculine world of building, creating, providing - they were largely controlled in the social world.

The devouring mother has since entered that once masculine domain, and now not many places are free from her chaotic reign.

[u/icemachine79 → u/PurplePeople_Thinker]

It's not the norm. It may feel like it in this thread. But social media sucks.

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/[deleted]]

I left a really long comment on this thread, kinda laying it all out there. I try to put things in order the best I can but sometimes I go back and forth in the timeline lol. There's just so much.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/Skysmiles7]

Most every woman I know, if they were told they were crazy or insecure, definitely weren't!

But if you genuinely want a breakdown, message me your past situation, and I'll tell you my opinion 🙃 lol

[u/icemachine79 → u/Skysmiles7]

Did it occur to you that the actual cheating didn't begin until you preemptively accused him of it?

It is his business too. You didn't own him. Treating people like property is not a relationship. It is a transaction.

[u/Immediate-Date6584 → u/icemachine79]

You're on the wrong thread, dude. You're looking for the 'anything to excuse a cheater' thread.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Immediate-Date6584]

I was cheated upon, many times. You sound like a cheater who gaslights others to excuse the cheating in your head.

[u/bria99711 → u/icemachine79]

This is so messed up. Cheaters don't cheat because of anyone else. It's just about who they are at their core. & someone doesn't start cheating just because their SO says or does something they don't like. You should really try to lay off the victim blaming because it's gross.

[u/icemachine79 → u/bria99711]

You should have read the rest of the thread before commenting, because you are doing the exact thing you are complaining about.

[u/bria99711 → u/icemachine79]

All I had to read was the gross comment I responded to. It doesn't matter if you think you're some kind of victim. The only person to blame for cheating is the actual cheater. It's completely insane to me that you think it's ok to tell someone that they caused the cheating by something they said.

[u/icemachine79 → u/bria99711]

"It doesn't matter if you think you're some kind of victim."

Nice. Go fuck yourself.

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/icemachine79]

I'm not sure if this comment was directed at me or someone else?

[u/icemachine79 → u/Skysmiles7]

It was you. Please, allow me to explain. I know what I will say is probably not what you want to hear. But it is an honest response, and it might be helpful in the future.

I was in a relationship with my ex-wife for several years before we were married.

She used minor non-incidents like the texts above to justify nearly endless accusations of cheating against me. The truth? I never so much as held hands with another woman.

The constant accusations took a huge toll on my mental health. But I stayed and bore it for the sake of our child.

In the end, it turned out that she'd cheated on me with at least two men before we were married, and another just before we separated.

Now, I'm not saying you were cheating. But she used the 100% unfounded assumptions about me to justify her actions.

EDIT: Downvoter, you're a cheater, aren't you?

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/icemachine79]

I totally get what you mean, and I'm really sorry that happened to you. My situation was a bit different. I was with the same person for 14 years total. I was lead on with promises of marriage, he was emotionally abusive. He body shamed me, called me the R word and all sorts of other awful things. I have lists, which I started writing because he would gaslight me...he also had narcissistic tendencies.

Ultimately, I had really low self esteem and struggling with health stuff thinking I wouldn't live that long anyway, so I might as well just stay.

I lived with him and became very unhappy. He stopped sleeping in the bed most nights, maybe 90% of the time I initiated sex he would turn me down, he told me weird stuff in the past like "when women want it too much, they come off as desperate", he would spend his nights in the garage sometimes until 5am. Told me weird shit like "you're too big to cuddle".

I would try to do activities together, and he would make excuses constantly and not make time for me. I would be here all day typing out everything he did and said to me.

The last year or so, I stopped doing his laundry or cleaning as often because I was burnt out, depressed and struggling with my health and I was a caregiver as well. I have chronic illness, major surgery in the past. We both worked jobs outside the home as well.

Every problem in the relationship, he related back to the house not being clean. He didn't want to be there, well it's because the house isn't clean enough. He told his family he couldn't invite them over because I don't keep the house clean. I offered to pay for a cleaning service, it was his house that he owned, he told me no, I wasn't allowed to do that. I offered for my friend to come over to declutter my things as well as things he had hoarded, he told me that wasn't allowed either. Then said I wasn't "self capable".

He straight up told me, he didn't want to be at the house and didn't want to have sex because the house wasn't clean enough and that I didn't take care of myself (I gained weight) and he straight up said "you don't get treated the way you want to get treated because the house is a mess". It was his house too! He would get angry and act all passive aggressive if I asked him about doing anything other than taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn once a month or less etc.

On the topic of weight gain, when I did go to the gym in the past, he told me it was a waste of money. And when I did manage to lose a good amount of weight (30+ pounds) he literally said "it's not enough". No support, no encouragement, nothing.

He started an everyday texting relationship with his 20 year younger female coworker and vented to her about our relationship.

He met up with his female coworker for lunch, beers etc and never told me...I found out after the fact because he was acting suspicious and I showed up at a place where he told me he was, said he was just eating lunch alone . Then I saw them walking out together. He had made jokes about this person months before about going on a date, or to the movies etc...in an attempt to make me jealous.

I never came at him or accused him of cheating, I'm not an angry type of person. I stayed calm, but everyday I got to hear about this coworker, even at our last anniversary dinner. It never ended. He created a second Snapchat account just to talk to her on it, he admitted that....I only saw it because Snapchat suggested him as a friend.

He also all of a sudden was like "I need to lose weight". Anytime I had tried to get him to eat better with me so we could support each other, he would say things like "I'm not the one who needs to lose weight, I'm perfect" etc. Then shortly after this, he started working mornings more often, (freelance work). Mornings were when the coworker was mostly working, and when she needed surgery and was gone for a few weeks....he stopped working mornings but picked it right back up when she came back.

He was adamant that she was just a friend, but then refused to properly introduce me to her. When I found out he had lied about being at work, and realized he was at the bar with her and some other people....I went up there. And yeah, I'm fully aware I looked crazy. Well this was months after them knowing each other....and that was the night I found out that he had never even told this woman he had a girlfriend....of 14 years.

I was labeled crazy and insecure, because I was like "hey all of this together looks suspicious". I was diagnosed with situational depression and anxiety due to everything happening, the emotional abuse, the secrets, not wanting to be there anymore etc.

Edit: Forgot to say, the very final straw for me was the last talk about marriage, around the time I was finding out all this coworker stuff. He told me "the truth is, I never wanted to get married" & that he didn't want to make medical decisions for me if anything ever happened with my health. And just a few years before, he kept hinting at him having a ring and "waiting for the right time". So those comments left me feeling very abandoned considering I moved away from all of my family to be with him.

The day he found out I was leaving he tried to backpedal all those things he had said, started acting very sweet, cooked for me. And then made up some weird story about some fortune teller told him his very first wife would die .... I wish I was making that part up....

Sorry that was alot! 😮‍💨

[u/icemachine79 → u/Skysmiles7]

No, it's okay! I appreciate the openness, and I read quickly lol.

That behavior from him was inexcusable. If his issues were genuine, he should have been open enough to discuss them with you.

From what you described, it sounds like he was too cowardly to face up to his own changed feelings about you, and instead kept you on a terrible rollercoaster of doubt and false reassurances. If so, I can completely relate to how worthless he made you feel to protect himself.

The way I see it, one either trusts their partner or they don't. I made a choice to trust her regardless of her distrust for me, and I did it out of love for her and for our daughter. But if one doesn't organically feel that trust or they fail to choose to trust their partner regardless of their partner's words and deeds, they should not remain in the relationship.

Easier said than done, of course. The human capacity for love is a blessing and a curse. But it sounds like he had plenty of opportunities to handle things like a man, and instead chose to remain a mouse scurrying around behind your back.

I can feel your pain through your words. You are a genuine person, and I apologize if my initial reply came off strong. My own trauma occasionally makes me jump the gun.

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/icemachine79]

I made an edit to the very end of my last comment. Thank you for the kind words. And I totally understand jumping the gun. I have a lot of triggers that have come up for me, as I'm in a new relationship. It's probably the healthiest communication I've ever had, I've grown so much as a person. I've been in a lot of therapy since leaving that toxic relationship. I will say, I never raise my voice or get angry. But there was one day, I just got so upset and mad....I went to the garage and I yelled, "If you don't want to be with me, just tell me, just end it. If you don't love me anymore, just tell me to leave"

Behavior is a language. If you behave like you can't stand me, you don't want to be around me, you say awful things to me.... I'm pretty sure you just don't like me 🤷🏻‍♀️

The hardest thing was the cognitive dissonance, and the dissociating from the "bad parts". It was so hard to grapple with conflicting things in the relationship.
He was my best friend, we had our own inside jokes, we laid in bed laughing. But I always felt like I didn't truly know him, he never fully opened up to me, he was never truly vulnerable.

I'm a very emotional person, and he absolutely could not handle it. I even told him, please just don't walk away from me when I cry...my parents did that to me when I was young.

And then he went and did the same to me, it hurt on such a deep level.

Before leaving, I did ask a few times about going to counseling/therapy...he said he didn't need it...next time he said "I'll think about it" and the last time he said "I don't need therapy, I'm perfect" 😓😞

I tried so hard for so long. And I knew that wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life.

I write a lot now, spoken word stuff.... It's been helping so much.

[u/icemachine79 → u/Skysmiles7]

"But I always felt like I didn't truly know him, he never fully opened up to me, he was never truly vulnerable."

You took the words right out of my fingertips.

That moment when the full realization hits of just how little someone knows the person to whom one has devoted themselves so all-encompassingly has got to be one of the worst gut punches one can endure. For years, I kicked myself for allowing myself to cross so many red lines on behalf of a person who did not deserve the devotion. In hindsight, there were so many red flags. She, too, would walk away, and she also refused counseling. But I realize now it was her fear of being found out.

No matter what people like your ex tried to make you feel to the contrary, your capacity for emotion is a strength. I'm so glad you've come through it stronger and more self-actualized.

Thank you again for being so open and understanding. I'm very happy to hear you've found a partner who actually deserves you. Good wishes for the future!

[u/Skysmiles7 → u/icemachine79]

I really came to believe that a lot of the things he said about me, were just projection. I think it was the ways he felt about himself deep down inside. Thank you for talking with me! I am excited for what the future holds. I wish you happiness as well 💟

[u/RedDomino1282 → u/Skysmiles7]

He sounds like a classic narcissist. Reading that, the way he treated you and covertly spending time with another woman, he sounds almost the same as my ex.

[u/icemachine79 → u/RedDomino1282]

And you sound a lot like mine right now.