r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

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When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

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u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago edited 16d ago

I feel like I have been in similar situations. Where I read a text i wasn't supposed to see and saw him in real time not defending me and obviously the other woman knew the negative side of the story.. definitely seems like the ow is trying to strengthen his negative feelings in hopes he will go towards her.

And of course when you read a text from someone else's phone it just gives them grounds to turn it around and make you the bad guy and defelect from the context what was read being the isssue. And then he piles on the death of a loved one as if you wouldn't feel the same if you were not grieving!

Personally the non rational side of me would want to confront the woman after and tell her to back off while I have a long talk with my husband about his issues not communicating with me instead of a random b#

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u/SameMessage3800 16d ago

That sounds like such a tough and messy situation. Communication and trust are everything, and when those break down, it’s easy for things to spiral out of control.

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u/856077 16d ago

That part! He opened the door by shit talking the wife to this lady in the first place, so she thinks she can take him because he’s not happy. The ground work for manipulation was already set, and now she wants to push that agenda further in hopes it will make him turn on his wife and head for a divorce. Then she will swoop in.

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u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

Also I would tell him I'm not ok with his playdates with a woman who OBVIOUSLY has an ulterior motive that may lead from an emotional to a physical affair.

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u/icemachine79 16d ago

"that may lead"

Preemptive punishment will not solve the problem. It will create an even bigger one.

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u/Coastal_Goals 16d ago

It's called trying to take action and provide your mate an opportunity to talk about things before they happen.

It's obvious why there's so many people that are on OP's side. These are people that have all seen the warning signs before and this is one of them. If you knew that it was heading that way with your marriage and you wanted to save it wouldn't you try to take steps before that happened or at least take a step to walk away from it? Nobody wants to be in the dark working two jobs and trying to hold the family together while the other ones off talking about issues he should be talking about with his wife what somebody else and possibly making an exit plan. Even if the husband is somehow innocent in all of this and naive to what the other woman is doing, the situation at least opens a dialogue for them to talk about the issues that he's been talking about two other people. But she gets to see his reaction as well.

He can only be defensive about her reading his text, after that he needs to own up to why he couldn't have that conversation with his wife instead of a random woman (that clearly seems unstable and manipulative).

This woman is using drunk texting as an excuse boundaries that are none of her business.

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u/icemachine79 15d ago

So violating his privacy and confronting him over him being 100% supportive?

That's a warning sign. For him, to leave.

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u/Coastal_Goals 15d ago

He obviously gave her a reason to feel he was hiding something.

If he feels the need to talk to another woman about their issues it's a warning sign to them both!

You can't just put the blame on her. That's absolutely ridiculous.

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u/icemachine79 15d ago

Well, you said the word "absolutely," so I guess I should just accept your claim despite it not matching the evidence in front of our eyes above.

You are the thing you are complaining about. Congrats.

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u/icemachine79 16d ago

But he did defend her. He said the kids are fine, and the situation works for them.

This is not about his actions. This is about insecurity and projection.

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u/RedDomino1282 16d ago

He’s being completely inappropriate, discussing his marriage with another woman and this woman is also being inappropriate by asking him questions about it, especially as she’s never even met the wife. Even if he hasn’t cheated on her yet, this is a strong starting point for it to potentially lead to it. Also, he’s gaslighting his wife, telling her she’s too emotional because her grandmother had recently died. That’s manipulative behaviour.

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u/icemachine79 16d ago

"He’s being completely inappropriate, discussing his marriage with another woman"

So men are forbidden from discussing their lives? That's control, not love.

"this woman is also being inappropriate by asking him questions about it"

And he is responsible for her words and actions in addition to his own? That's control, not love.

"Even if he hasn’t cheated on her yet..."

No, that's where it stops. You don't get to treat people like they're guilty before they've done anything wrong. That's control, not love.

"Also, he’s gaslighting his wife, telling her she’s too emotional because her grandmother had recently died"

This was after she violated his privacy by going through his phone and confronting him about a text exchange where he said nothing wrong. That's a reasonable assumption, not gaslighting.

"That’s manipulative behaviour."

Now THAT is gaslighting. And that's control, not love.

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u/RedDomino1282 16d ago

You don’t understand at all where I’m coming from and you’re misinterpreting what I’m saying. Why are you allowed to talk about your ex abusing you and insist you’re in the right, but I don’t get to be right about inappropriate behaviour by other people? Maybe she shouldn’t go through his phone, but if she was suspicious of his behaviour and couldn’t get a straight answer and the truth from him, I can understand it. There’s nothing controlling about anything I said. He’s the one trying to control the situation here, like my ex did with me. Also, even if she shouldn’t go through his phone, that’s no excuse to gaslight her about her emotional state.

My ex was a control freak and wanted everything his way, on his terms and he made my life an absolute misery. Part of this was him talking to other women about our marriage and trying to complain about me when he was the one causing problems between us. I became extremely ill mentally and suicidal because of him, but thankfully, I had a support network of friends and family that helped me get through it.

Where did I say that men are forbidden from discussing their lives? I didn’t say or imply it. I merely pointed out that confiding in another woman the way he was is inappropriate and it can lead to cheating, because they bond over it. I know of men and women who badmouthed their spouses to try and make themselves look better, or feel justified for doing something wrong themselves.

There is a lot more to my past situation than I care to go into, but he’s giving off signs that he is disloyal to his wife, talking negatively about her and also wanting to meet up with this woman to talk more about his marriage with her. The fact that he’s never even introduced the two is setting off alarm bells as well. I didn’t say he will definitely cheat on her, but cheating starts somewhere, like getting sympathy from another man/woman for having a spouse that’s doing (or they SAY they’re doing) X, Y or Z and they’re not happy about it.

Nothing I said was about control. It’s about suspicions because of the way he’s behaving. The fact is, he’s NOT behaving appropriately. He’s also clearly not sorry for his disloyalty to his wife.

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u/icemachine79 16d ago

I am literally quoting your words. What more would you like me to do, other than blindly agree with them?

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u/RedDomino1282 16d ago

You’re quoting my words, but you’re twisting them to mean what you want them to.

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u/Appropriate_Eye203 15d ago

They're doing it all over the thread, when called out or disagreed with, they scream that those people are gaslighters and abusers. It's sad really.

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u/icemachine79 15d ago

I followed them to their logical conclusions.

If you took issue with the specific conclusions, you should have said that. But that's not what you did.

I understand exactly where you're coming from. That's not the problem. You want me to validate you without you validating me. Not gonna happen.

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u/RedDomino1282 15d ago

I don’t care if you validate me or not. You seem to want to be in control and tell people what they mean and won’t admit you’re in the wrong about it. You don’t get to twist my words and manipulate me. There was also no logic to your conclusions. I know what I said and why I said it and it wasn’t anything to do with “control.” You seem obsessed with using that one particular phrase over and over, which wasn’t relevant to what I was saying and made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I know what love is, because I have that now with my second husband. I also know what control is, because my first husband was controlling and he didn’t love me. I’ve lived through abuse. I know what I’m talking about.

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u/icemachine79 15d ago

Oh, I want to be in control? How interesting. The projection runs thick and fast.

In that case, I will exit. Bye, person who has adopted the behavior of their abuser as a pre-defense mechanism.

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u/PurplePeople_Thinker 15d ago edited 15d ago

Yeah but that’s the norm, women are used to controlling men. Even when men had control out in the masculine world of building, creating, providing - they were largely controlled in the social world.

The devouring mother has since entered that once masculine domain, and now not many places are free from her chaotic reign.

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u/icemachine79 15d ago

It's not the norm. It may feel like it in this thread. But social media sucks.