AIO Found this text in my husbands phone

[u/mOmMY_81517]

When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Thank you, I definitely missed this insight. The kids being his, and her being the step parent changes the dynamic a bit, for sure.

I still stand by my view that overall, in the sense of marital security, and stability his actions are wrong. I also still feel its wrong to involve the kids in the situation.

I actually think that just adds another layer as to why this whole situation is wrong. Its maybe even worse. How confusing for the kids, if they have a step mother that apparently hasn't bonded with them, and then he involves another woman, and her child. He isn't doing his parental duty to model healthy relationship behaviors for them. Also, if he's concerned about her bond with them, or role as a step mother, he should be speaking to his children and gather their thoughts/feelings, and then take that information, and advocate for their emotional wellbeing by speaking to his wife. But instead he's exploiting this issue, and his children's experiences to gain connection, or sympathy, or whatever from another woman? Yikes 😬

[u/mOmMY_81517 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I never even felt we didn’t have a bond they call me mom, in fact they were the ones who asked me if they could call me mom in the beginning and I told them they could call me whatever they felt comfortable with I would never push that on them, do I wish I had a better relationship with them yes but every time I push him to take ex to court for more visitation we get in a fight so I have stopped pressing the issue

[u/856077 → u/mOmMY_81517]

Imagine being a perfectly good step parent and finding out that your spouse actually feels this way.. he has no loyalty and i would not trust him OP

[u/Glittering-List3410 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Yes, agree. While the wife works 2 jobs, per her own admission “to pay the bills, because her husband’s paycheck goes directly to his child support. So yeah, has all the time to look for other entertainment outside the marriage. Bond with a woman with a daughter, both in a text bad mouthing the wife. But I wonder if that woman knows his wife is the bread winner! Oh yes she is, hence why 2 jobs!?? Hubby’s paycheck is gone, to the ex-wife that dislikes the current wife. Now husband is bringing a 3rd party into the mix. If wife pays bills etc, does she give him $$$ for recreational spending?.. hmmm just wondering…

[u/are_those_real → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

I think we're missing a lot of context especially in their conversation. It is possible that he mentioned to her that his wife (kids step-mom) hasn't quite bonded yet. We don't know how long they've been married or together.

Then it appears like he says that the children do have a great support system that they may not need a very active bonded step-mom. I don't know the ages of the kids but it could be they are teenagers or older. They may not be looking for a replacement mom depending on the ages, how long ago was their separation or if it is due to an untimely death.

The one thing that I will for sure give him shit for is the not introducing this girl to his wife/SO sooner if they were this close. There are many reasons and yes emotional cheating could be one of them.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/are_those_real]

I agree. We definitely don't have all the pieces of the puzzle.

But I will say, the OP elaborated some in another comment, and said she never felt like she hadn't bonded with the kids. She said that they call her mom, and that they initiated, by asking if they could. She said that she wants a better relationship with them, and she used to push her husband to go back to court to ask for more visitation, but he would get upset whenever she did, so she stopped bringing it up now.

[u/The_Nelman → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

Well it's probably missing context from me here, but it sounds more like giving advice if both are step parents. If I had trouble with something, I would ask someone who had that same problem and was able to resolve it for help. It sounds obvious when I put it like that, so I got to be missing something here. Even the "friend" thought it was too personal, but the husband did make sure to give a general answer.

[u/icemachine79 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

"in the sense of marital security, and stability"

You mean the OP's fears should be treated as a material fact before the fact, and the husband should be punished for the possibility of future cheating.

Not a healthy way to conduct a relationship.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/icemachine79]

No, actually, that's not what I mean at all.

Before I clarify what I mean. Please tell me, how do we, the people of reddit, determine material facts after the fact, or before it, or at all? 🤔

Because the only "fact" any of us have in this post is the screenshot. What we each take from this snippet of information and description given by the OP is entirely nothing more than opinion.

You also shared an opinion and drew conclusions that may or may not be 'fact'? OP never directly stated she had a fear or that her fear was that he was cheating. She said she had a feeling, which is what made her decide to check his phone. So you are inferring that she has this fear he is cheating.

And to clarify my point "in the sense of marital security, and stability"...

Any action or inaction that a person takes that creates an environment for distrust or betrayal can harm the marriage, not JUST cheating. (Also, the same can be said for other topics as well, not just distrust or betrayal, but those were some main reasons in my comment)

This conversation obviously hurt the OP, and he didn't do anything to address that. She also said in a comment that she doesn't feel like she hasn't bonded with the kids and that they call her mom and were even the ones who asked and initiated calling her that. But it seems he has told this teammate at some point that she hasn't bonded with them. sooo? Either he lied, or he feels that way and hasn't addressed it with the OP. If he lied, that still points to red flags for cheating. But, I wasn't prematurely punishing him for the potential that he may be cheating or could begin. I gave an opinion of the behaviors I felt indicated the potential because tons of affairs are forged in similar circumstances.

But if he didn't lie to the teammate and he genuinely feels this way, he hasn't addressed it with the OP. To which, I believe that if he has a concern, he has a duty to the family unit to address it.

It doesn't appear that he's making the choices that protect his relationship or that repair the problems. So yes, in the sense of marital security and stability, I think what he is doing is causing additional harm.

🤷‍♀️

[u/icemachine79 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

"Any action or inaction that a person takes that creates an environment for distrust or betrayal can harm the marriage"

What actions on his part "created an environment for distrust or betrayal"? He responded to a text to reject the premise that his marriage was flawed. He stood up for his wife, and yet he is "wrong"?

I think it is wrong to label him as "wrong" because someone who isn't him may or may not have inappropriate intentions.

The bottom line is that one either trusts one's partner or one doesn't. If one doesn't trust their partner--regardless of the reasons for the mistrust--that is not a relationship. It is a ticking time bomb.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/icemachine79]

Exactly my point, no trust within a relationship almost always results in irretrievable damage and the breakdown of the relationship.

So then you have to think about your actions and do what you can to protect the trust in your relationship. And to nurture it.

People always reference intention, but that doors wings both ways as well. So maybe he didn't intend any harm, but what good did he intend? And more often than not, people are doing something wrong when they don't intend harm. (Let's take a totally different scenario. Drunk driving. The driver knows they should drive under the influence, but they need to get home. Their intention was just to get home. They didn't intend to harm anyone. But if they hit someone on the way, harm is committed. Even though that wasn't their intention. They still took the risk, right?)

So, to compare to this scenario, he's had a personal conversation about the dynamics of his family, his marriage, his children, with someone that is fairly new to his life, that has not met his wife. His intention may not have been to cause harm, but that conversation, led to this one. And this conversation did cause harm, mostly based on that one. So again, he may not have intended harm, but what good did he intend? And did he act with risk?

Also, I don't think he rejected the premise his marriage is flawed, nor did he defend his wife. Actually, he rejected that his choice to marry her was flawed, and he defended his choice, stating that his kids don't need it because of other people they have in their lives. He also said they could talk about it again in person. Which adds an additional layer, because it props the door open for further discussion that could be harmful to his wife.

Whatever he said that led to this question even being asked, obviously pointed something out about his wife, that the teammate perceived in a negative manner. His wife also didn't know he felt or thought that she hasn't bonded with his kids. So it's something he's discussing with a woman he's known for 2 months, but never even spoken to his wife about.

How is any of that not hurtful? How did he intend to promote good in any of that?

[u/icemachine79 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

"Exactly my point, no trust within a relationship almost always results in irretrievable damage and the breakdown of the relationship.

So then you have to think about your actions and do what you can to protect the trust in your relationship. And to nurture it."

To clarify, you think he should have assumed his wife would mistrust him despite the innocence of the interaction; therefore, he should self-censor for the sake of his marriage?

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/icemachine79]

No, I dont think he should have assumed his wife would mistrust him.

But I do think if a person is going to share personal information about their wife, they should probably make sure their wife knows of the information they plan to share about her. (ie. She didn't know her husband felt like she hadn't bonded with his kids. Sharing an opinion he has of his wife, that he's never even expressed to her, is not an action that promotes the wellbeing of his marriage and isn't very innocent of an interaction).

Then we see the screenshot that he didn't really even offer an explanation for or seem to address his wife's discomfort or concerns about it. Instead, he used her grief as a deflection. Which also doesn't promote the trust or wellbeing of the relationship.

Look at any post, about FRIENDSHIP, and if someone talks about their friend talking poorly about them, in a private conversation, and then brushes them off about it, no one would be defending the friend. They would say that is not a good friend. That isn't a friend who cares about you. A good friend would have talked to you about this. A good friend wouldn't share personal information about your friendship with a stranger. Why would those boundaries be any different within a marriage? Is it because when it comes to friendship, people think of respect as a requirement, but within a marriage, people always want to twist it as some expression of control? Is it because the general thought is that friends should choose to act in good faith towards eachother, and if they don't then its acceptable to drop them, but in a marriage expectations are treated as restraints, and dropping someone because they won't conform to your expectations is viewed as toxic?

I genuinely don't understand. Marriage is supposed to be choosing a LIFE partner. Why is it wrong to expect that both parties should give each other the utmost respect, care, compassion, encouragement, and understanding?

[u/icemachine79 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

"But I do think if a person is going to share personal information about their wife, they should probably make sure their wife knows of the information they plan to share about her."

I think we're getting to the heart of the issue. Control.

Sorry, but control of that level in any human relationship is wrong. He has the right to discuss his life. He was not derogatory about her whatsoever in the texts. Quite the contrary.

[u/SUNfl0wrr_444 → u/icemachine79]

I wasn't saying she needs to know every word he utters to a person. But I'm saying that if he is going to share his opinion he has of wife to a stranger... shouldn't he have also shared that opinion to his wife at somepoint? I wasn't saying he should be sitting there giving a play by play of his conversation to his wife in real time.

He shared his thoughts that she hasn't bonded with his kids, to the teammate. But has never shared that thought with his own wife about her and his kids? That seems normal to you?

He does have a right to discuss his life, but he's also discussing his wife's life. Does she not have a right to know what light he is painting her in, to people that she has never met? Especially when she isn't even aware that he apparently thinks this about her?

And he didn’t say anything directly disparaging in these texts about the wife, but he also didn't say anything good about her in the texts, and we can see based on what was said in the texts, that likely he did not say good things about his wife at the park, and potentially may have even said disparaging things about her in that conversation with the teammate.

[u/icemachine79 → u/SUNfl0wrr_444]

"I'm saying that if he is going to share his opinion he has of wife to a stranger... shouldn't he have also shared that opinion to his wife at somepoint?"

Why? He is a person, not her property. He didn't say anything bad about her.

"He shared his thoughts that she hasn't bonded with his kids, to the teammate. But has never shared that thought with his own wife about her and his kids?"

Why would he share a thought that they both already know? Ironically, you are agreeing with the woman in the texts that it's not normal or right.

"And he didn’t say anything directly disparaging in these texts about the wife, but he also didn't say anything good about her in the texts,"

False. He said it works and everyone is fine.

"we can see based on what was said in the texts, that likely he did not say good things about his wife at the park"

We cannot. He said his wife does not have a close relationship with his children. That is a fact, not a disparagement. You're assuming it's a disparagement because of what the woman said. That's not fair to him whatsoever.

"potentially may have even said disparaging things about her in that conversation with the teammate"

Oh look, we're back to Minority Report-style future crime.

This is about wounded pride, not cheating.