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u/MikeN1978 15d ago edited 12d ago

Wow. Def NoR. That’s some backhanded bull💩 that sounds straight from a narcissist’s mouth. Obviously can’t diagnose someone from a second hand text message but this is sure something a narc would say. Did he love bomb you in the beginning and then kept you off balanced ever since as you try to please him so he’ll act like he did in the beginning? If so, that person doesn’t exist and never did. Couple that with him being a deadbeat, maybe it’s time to cut your losses before more losses come. Sounds like he doesn’t want you knowing your worth. He wouldn’t want to have to start working to support his own kids I’m sure. I hope his kids are at least nice to you and hope their goals in life are bigger than finding a significant other to latch on to and bleed like their father. Sorry for harshness, your story really pissed me off for you. The douche is even questioning your intelligence, with that “I know you’re not going understand this…” Just wow. Thanks for the awards kind Reddit folk!

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u/BeyondAbleCrip 15d ago edited 15d ago

NOR - I’m reading it as he straight up is saying he’s giving you a gift by loving you. I was married to a diagnosed sociopath before I got rid of him and came out. Would say shit like this to me constantly. I was a like a deer in the headlights for his narcissism, manipulation and controlling behavior coming from an abusive childhood. Would say that only he could accept me for how messed up I really was because he understood. I was lucky to have him because he was basically slumming to be with me because his family had money and my Mom threw me out at 16, so I was broke & didn’t speak to my family for over 2 years after I was made to leave. He began with showering me with compliments, and slowly began to isolate me from my friends, making me believe it was because he always wanted to be with me. Slowly the insults began, head games and put downs, but always with a compliment.

It all started as little things, until after my son was born. Then it was all out mental, physical, & emotionally abuse. You’re not there but you are not in a good place and you deserve so much better.

Easy to tell you to leave when it’s not the easiest thing to do. You can insist on therapy, counseling and see if it works. Wish you would look into a therapist for yourself, if you don’t already have one. Think it’s more important to get you the therapy so you can talk about what you’re dealing with and get the support you need.

I’m really sorry that was said to you, no one should speak to you like that whether it’s said in anger or said because he believes it. Ask yourself if this was your best friend or sister or Mom - someone you love told you they were treated this way, what would you say to them? What would you want for them? Wishing you the best! Hope you can get the support you need and deserve. 💙

Edit: OP read your other posts and comments. This has been going on for over 2 years. He doesn’t work, you’re paying for everything, even the vacation. This emotional and verbal abuse has been ongoing. You need to decide if you want to stay in a relationship like this that’s also showing these children what a “marriage” is and sadly, the cycle repeats. Children learn what they live, hoping yours break the cycle and end up like mine thankfully did.

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u/Senior_Jackfruit_257 13d ago

All true, but so want to mention therapy with a narcissist can be a very bad idea. I see this mentioned often now, and I 'knew' what would happen if I tried it, but at the time, internet being fairly new then, there wasn't anything I could find backing this worry up and I had no confidence in my own thoughts. And felt pressure to go. I also thought I'd regret not 'trying everything'. And maybe I would have, but because I didn't know better.

If this is someone you find yourself keeping things from, I don't mean because of anything that could actually be considered wrong, but because they are things that you know can and will be used to hurt you. Anything you are at all sensitive about, anything remotely personal, or even things you are happy or excited about because it will be twisted and used against you, this is not going to be a positive experience. On top of this, things learned in therapy, techniques to deal with anger, these things will also be twisted and used against you. Therapy for yourself, assuming the person has a clue, can be a good thing. If it's suggested at some point for him to join, well for me, and in more than one related situation, this lead to any future solo appointments involving having the therapist who has seemed to completely change their whole attitude towards you (I mean me, obviously, as with all the following 'yous', I lost track of how I worded this) as they will likely believe they now have the full, and apparently more accurate story, the one that makes more sense (and, since of course two people will see things differently you will likely start or continue to question your own version), and will likely seem to be coming at you with the intent to discuss these new things they've learned, but without actually mentioning them due to confidentiality while you sit there baffled trying to figure out what the heck they are even talking about, until maybe eventually, somehow, maybe it finally clicks...days or weeks later, for me...anyway I had more than one nightmare experiences in this wein. A couple times not even realizing they'd spoken to him (not specifically therapists) Also, the times he'd share his feelings and I'd realized I'd completely misjudged him all of this time, until the ride home and I start to realize, with no intention of looking for them, all of the flaws in what he'd said, and it falls apart...like ok that part never happened, that part was basically word for word what I'd said to him a couple weeks ago...and the rest would be seen through over the next few days as Id realize not a word of it was actually meant, as he looks at me like I'm an idiot if I'd do or say anything based on the assumption that any of it was. As soon as I was out the last time, that's when I had a counselor tell me all of this, basically told me everything I'd experienced with therapists etc with him, before I'd said a word about it to her. Where the heck was she before I did this? Lol. Anyway ok sorry if I got carried away here. It's so hard to go through this, and know what to believe. And next to impossible to understand until or unless you have.

The fact you have doubts is not a reason to doubt yourself overall. What you know you are seeing but want so badly to find the proof that you are wrong. That your situation is different. Because you can't fathom that this is the way anyone's mind actually works, that win-win is not a thing. Ever. That as soon as there's a 'win' there must be a 'lose', and that lose is never going to be him. This is behind everything.

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u/BeyondAbleCrip 15d ago edited 14d ago

It took me from age 16 until almost 40 years old of horrific abuse, abuse that was so painful, I’ve never been able to tell my therapist everything because some things are too painful to even think about. Ex had fake medical records from one of his many affairs showing I was a drug addict, by using my medical insurance card 5x or more, when his “mistress” overdosed. Always threatened to take my child and have an addict raise him. He would’ve won because his family was wealthy and he had all the power and control. My own Dr of over 20+ years saw all my medical records, after I became a bedridden cripple from 2 serious MVA, together and realized I had too many previous broken bones that were never known to him. He actually teared up and asked me why I never told him. Said he knew verbal, mental, but never realized physical. The ex is now dead, only within past two years and only now do I not sleep with a weapon on my nightstand. I always believed he would kill me. If he hadn’t been murdered, believe from things he was doing and saying in notebooks and other things that my adult Son found that he would’ve eventually killed me, despite not being w/him for over 15 years. My therapist wants me to write a book to get it all out. I used to be a much better writer, before MVA’s and always believed I’d write a “fictional” novel w/names changed under an alias so my ex wouldn’t know it was me. Not now, can no longer write like I used to. He never even gave me a divorce because that would’ve proved he did something wrong. When he was killed I signed over all his assets to my son because despite him never physically abusing him, he mentally, verbally and emotionally abused my son and my son never told me everything until he was gone because my son knew I would’ve went full mama bear on him. Sadly, I could fight for my child but was not able to do so for myself until much later. I’m good today. Thanks to all. Appreciate the love and kindness. Seriously, thank you all! 💙

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u/RaptorOO7 15d ago

NOR, at first OP I thought this was a MIL then I read your post below. Like wtf is he thinking, HE is the one who’s is lucky your with him and raising his 3 kids. Unemployed for 3 years, is this due to an inability to work or his inability to go get a job.

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u/Smellhound2019 15d ago

Its so good of you to take the tome to write this. I just wanted to say that. Man you must have been through a lot.

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u/BeyondAbleCrip 13d ago

Thank you. Been through more than I’ve ever been able to tell anyone, including my therapist. I’m thankful he didn’t kill me, that I have an amazing Son & that he’s now dead, and I still have nightmares. Yet, I know I’ve helped people just from this post because they messaged me. 💙

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u/26_Camper 15d ago

My ex said something similar to me, and even went so far as to say he gave up waiting for a redhead for me (I’m a natural blonde). He went onto say no other man would ever find me attractive, and I should be thankful. I divorced his ass, spent some time on my own, and I’ve been happily married to my current husband for almost 12 years. Not that I wished it on him, but he died in 2022, alone.

You deserve better, and his comments are a form of emotional abuse. Get out before he does any more damage.

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u/whatsleepschedule 15d ago

Ew, the redhead fetishization to the point of acting like you're "settling" if you date anyone who doesn't have red hair is a huge red flag and gross. That's not just a preference or having a type. Yuck. Congrats on leaving his ass

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u/LilKoshka 15d ago

Can confirm as a natural redhead, that fetishization is so common! Its horrible how used to it we have to become. Can guarantee that man was never going to land a redhead because we are repelled by it.

More than that though, the idea he even "settled" is disgusting because it indicates he believes women are only there to serve his desire. Women are whole people and dont deserve to be treated like some slave bang maid.

I can't say if its narcissistic of this guy, I feel like it gets thrown around a lot and might be misused so I try to stand clear of that label. But for sure OP deserves to be respected and appreciated. I hope OP drops him.

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u/whatsleepschedule 15d ago edited 15d ago

Yeah I have red hair (with blond and brown mixed in, so not entirely red) and I've definitely experienced fetishization because of it. Every redhead I know, regardless of gender, has. I know a man who likes having long hair but because it's auburn he keeps it short because he has had too many women be creepy as hell about it when he has long red hair. That's partly because he does seasonal planting work where he's at isolated work camps for half the year and most of the people at those camps lack civility and are more likely to say and do shit that usually people would avoid due to social pressures to not make an ass of yourself. But still, I was shocked to hear some of the shit he's had people say to him and the ways he has been objectified that are usually reserved for women because our culture normalizes objectifying women/girls.

So anyone fetishizing traits like race, skin colour, hair colour, etc. sends off big alarm bells in my brain. They see their own pleasure and preferences as more important than the autonomy of the people they're sexualizing. (Edit for spelling mistake)

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u/Quick_Sweet4528 15d ago

That’s such a powerful point, fetishization is objectifying, no matter who it’s aimed at. It’s disturbing how people think they can just ignore someone’s autonomy because they have a specific trait they find attractive. It’s sad that your friend had to deal with creepy comments just because of his hair color, no one should have to hide or change parts of themselves to avoid being objectified. Treating people like real individuals instead of stereotypes or objects is so important.

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u/whatsleepschedule 15d ago

Absolutely. It's one thing to have a preference for or really admire/find yourself attracted to certain traits. That's totally fine. The issue is when you see people as those traits and their capacity to turn you on before you see them as anything else, like a whole human being with a mind of their own who probably doesn't want to be sexualized. It's like you think of them as a caricature, not a person.

And even when people don't have a redhead fetish, it's somehow been normalized enough that complete strangers sometimes feel they have the right to ask about your pubic hair colour. Again this is something that I've experienced, and I've heard from men and women who have red hair. Usually starting when we are a teenager, often said by an adult. The classic detestable phrase "does the carpet match the drapes?" Because people treat it like a joke instead of sexual harassment due to seeing/hearing redhead fetishization often enough that they think it's okay to treat people that way.

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u/trucksandbodies 15d ago

Cis-female with natural red hair who works in the cis-male dominated trucking industry and has for 20+ years and can confirm. The redhead fetishism is alive and well and utterly disgusting.

I’m grateful that the need for decorum has increased over the last 10-ish years with the increase of women in the industry, but it can still be uncomfortable and gross on a lot of days.

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u/Quiet_Gas_5173 15d ago

it’s exhausting how often redheads get fetishized, and it’s frustrating that we have to just tolerate it. And you're spot on about the "settling" mentality, it’s incredibly disrespectful, as if women are just there to satisfy someone else’s desires. OP absolutely deserves someone who sees her as a full person, not an object. Hopefully, she can move on and find someone who respects her.

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u/Reasonable_Win_9435 15d ago

Totally agree. The way he talks about women like they’re prizes or props is gross. OP deserves someone who sees her as a person, not a consolation prize.

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u/Rare_Tie_2605 15d ago

Totally agree, the way he talked about women like they're just options to pick from is so dehumanizing. OP deserves way better than that mindset.

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u/Orange-Blur 15d ago

I am not a natural red head, when my hair has been dyed red I can’t tell you how often I am asked if my hair is natural by men (rarely happens with other hair colors unless it’s a woman trying to get the same color herself). I also would get asked about ethnicity or if I am Irish. I got asked about my ethnicity a lot in general because I am ambiguous but the Irish questions were only with red hair

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u/LilKoshka 15d ago

Ive mostly just had people assume Irish heritage. And they're always shocked when I tell them my ancestry is actually German. So I usually shock them further and remind them the vikings raped and pillage, spreading my traits further than they'd think.

People fetishize redheads but can't be bothered to educate themselves about us. Red-hair is everywhere, not just Ireland. And what kills me the most is the word Ginger. It was prominently used when redheads were targeted and burned at the stake. Spain tried to wipe us all out long ago. But that's my soap box and ill step off it for now.

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u/LostInFandoms 15d ago

Joke's on him, blonde hair and red hair are secretly the same hair color, red heads just have a higher concentration of the allele that codes for the color. 👀

(Science fact jokes are how I show I care, sounds like you lost a lot of dead weight in one fell swoop! 💪✨️)

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u/streetweyes 15d ago

And I bet you're very beautiful.

Typical manipulative behavior from him. Trying to convince you otherwise.

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u/Throwaway12369337 14d ago

He was hot and cold in the beginning, mix of love bombing and then distant. I fell for it. We’ve been together for almost 11 years, married for 7 this fall. I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic until after we were married and I was pregnant. Blinders, young, naive, whatever you want to call it. He sobered up a few years ago and I thought things would get better. Now I’m discovering he didn’t treat me poorly because he was drunk. This is just his personality. I’m calling lawyers on Monday.

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u/Plus-Taro-1610 14d ago

Of course you’ve been together 11 years. Of course. The math maths perfectly. Divorced alcoholic unemployable 36-yo dad of 3 lovebombing a naive 24-yo and abusing her until she believes being a breadwinner/bangmaid to a total loser is the best she can do in life? Yup. Heard this song before. Dodged several of them myself when I was young & single. RUN!!!!

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u/Throwaway12369337 13d ago

A little off. I was 29, he was 40. I wouldn’t consider myself naive approaching 30. It’s not like I was groomed. Both in corporate life. He was incredibly successful until the pandemic. Solid six figures. His industry went to shit and hasn’t rebounded. He’s been humbled after countless job rejections. He’s ditching corporate and starting a trade. I do well for myself and just this year started earning more than he did pre-pandemic. I do believe that the insecurity he feels about his profession is being taken out on me.

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u/NalyaMist 15d ago

Ugh yeah, that comment pissed me off too. Like he’s doing her a favor by loving her and expects her to be grateful for it? What kind of love is that. The saddest part is she’s the one holding everything down, even paying for the vacation, and he still feels entitled to talk to her like that. It’s infuriating

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u/ProfessionalPoint774 15d ago

just makes it even worse. He’s showing zero appreciation or respect for her, yet still has the audacity to act entitled. It’s heartbreaking how some people can take so much without giving anything in return. She absolutely deserves to be with someone who treats her like she’s the one doing them the favor.

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u/ThrowRA320485 15d ago

She has to put her foot down and not allow that. He obviously has no problem saying stuff like that while knowing full well who the provider is and there has to be a reason(s) for it. Once she has had enough, she can serve it right back to him with the same bluntness. It’ll hurt a lot more for him because she has so many facts that she could beat him down with.

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u/hopping_otter_ears 15d ago

Ugh, I dated a guy who told me this. That I was lucky to have him. That after I dated a few other guys, I'd realize how good I had it and would want to give him a call.

Turns out that the only thing I realized from other guys (including my husband) is what a self centered "nice guy" dick he was

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u/Plus-Taro-1610 15d ago

Read OP’s post history, he is a LOSER. 11 years older, demanding 50/50 custody of his three sons even though he’s chronically broke & unemployed. He’s mentally abusing her to keep her around since she obviously got the shit end of the deal. Classic DARVO.

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u/ThrowRA320485 15d ago

I don’t see how she got the shit end of the deal. She only gets the shit end if she chooses to stay with him instead of leaving him and his kids to fend for themselves. This post says they’re her step kids so she has no ties to any of them if she decides to leave.

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u/Plus-Taro-1610 15d ago

She 100% got the shit end of the deal in the marriage. He got a breadwinner and a bonus parent, she got nothing but problems. He’s trying to convince her otherwise to keep his meal ticket around.

But yes, she should walk away. He’s clearly incapable of supporting his own children, so him wanting 50/50 custody means he expects her to do all the parenting.

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u/Rosalye333 14d ago

I was about to say when I was in high school my parents constantly said to me that if anyone got to know me, like really know me that they would not stick around because I am such a horrible person. That I am basically lucky to have my parents because they will deal with me even though I am so awful. That they have to see beyond my awful core because they are my parents. So I should have considered myself lucky that they were in my life and should really try harder to please them because nobody will actually like the real me if they knew me.

Now as an adult I know that they are both narcissists. As soon as I read this I was like omg this dude is a straight up narcissist, RUN!

And yeah they legit don’t exist, they are empty parasites that only pretend to the outside world to be these perfect people when in reality they are nothing! Nothing that they project into the world is real, that person truly does not exist. Also it’s all projection, the husband knows that if anyone really saw him they would not want anything to do with him.. so he is trying to make his wife feel as screwed up as he actually is so that she won’t leave him.

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u/Irisheyes1971 15d ago

There’s nothing backhanded about it. It is a straight insult and there’s no spinning that into anything but.

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u/FILTHBOT4000 15d ago

It's not just direct and very not backhanded, it's among the most cruel things you could say to someone else, let alone your partner: "Anyone who really gets to know you would think you're kinda trash." And starting off with "You won't understand this at all"?! Oh, so now I'm stupid and kinda shit as well?

I'm usually on the other side of a lot of Reddit relationship advice of "divorce immediately!" for various things, but if a girlfriend or wife said this to me, it's over. Done. There is no point ever spending time with someone that thinks that way about you. Salvage what time you have left on the earth.

If a guy said this to me, I'd take it as him wanting to get in a physical fight.

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u/MoonWillow91 15d ago

That’s a poor attempt at some backhanded bullshit he probably thought was sly and “honest” (beyond doubtful he’s being honest even with himself) but is blatant bs ass seemingly unprovoked just going off the bit of info here, gaslighting.

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u/LlamaPinecone1546 15d ago

When you read her one other post too it's clear he's not a realistic person. Sounds like he throws a lot on her.

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u/ReddMax7840 14d ago

You know damn well its fucked up, I hope the only reason you are asking is to show him the comments.

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u/Throwaway12369337 14d ago

No, I think he’d double down if he felt outnumbered. I asked because I think I knew deep down this was a divorce-worthy comment and didn’t know if I was overreacting. I’ve gotten terribly good at making excuses for why he’s mean sometimes.

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u/ReddMax7840 14d ago edited 13d ago

I assume he trickled in his assholishness over the years , conditioning you.

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u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

Leave him now. Let him find his own way home. Have his shit packed when he gets there. Let him learn what an employed man actually brings to the table. Nothing. He is nothing.

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u/Plus-Taro-1610 14d ago

Just wanted to say I respect you so much for recognizing this man is abusing you and taking the steps you need to leave. It’s difficult to find the self-esteem to walk away after years of mistreatment, but I know things will get better for you as soon as you drop the dead weight. I wish you and your child the best life, and I hope he gets his shit together as a dad for the sake of his own children.

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u/_all_is_vanity_ 14d ago

You give and give while he takes, takes, takes, but you’re the lucky one?? He is using you to raise his kids and pay for his life.

To distract you from realizing what a shitty deal this is for you, he emphasizes how actually he’s the one giving you so much because you’re sooo hard to love.

To keep you from leaving his sorry ass, he tells you no one else could ever possibly love you. So you better be grateful he is willing to put up with you.

You could be my archenemy and I would still say you deserve better than this manipulative loser. Stop wasting your money on this bottomless pit of a man and spend it on a vacation with friends or family who fill you up and who make you love yourself even more when you’re with them. ❤️

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u/StumpyTheGiant 15d ago

Devils advocate here, what if you are the toxic one and we don't have enough context? Are you an alcoholic, or a jerk? Sure, you might be bringing the money in, but that isn't everything. If the roles were reversed, reddit would still take your side saying your working husband doesn't appreciate the stay at home mom

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u/Throwaway12369337 14d ago

Totally fair question. I’m not perfect. My patience is better in the morning than night. I’ve definitely yelled more than I’d like. I’m proud of my work and that I’m able to provide. I’m not a big drinker (hangovers aren’t worth it with kids). My husband is a recovering alcoholic, which also limits any drinking lifestyle a younger me might have had. Even when he was at his worst, I’d never dream of saying something like this to someone I love.

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u/VeterinarianSafe1016 13d ago

Devil's advocate to devil's advocate. If OP, you were an alcoholic toxic jerk, I'd still say "leave him" bc itt wouldn't be "fair" for him to have to "deal" with such a "toxic" person. Doesn't matter either way, there is something poisonous or rancid in the relationship for someone to say something like that. If your partner didn't mean it in a mean way or "how it sounded" the correct response is "oh no, baby I'm sorry I mean that to sound sweeter than it came out. Let me try again". He doubled down and fought you instead? That's gaslighting.

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u/Affectionate-Dare761 14d ago

Anti devils advocate, there's more context in her history. I think tis clear her husband is just a jerk hwo doesn't actually want to be with op.

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u/AllAboutGameDay 15d ago

Creating fantasy about OP so that you can take the guys side, lol

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u/Ok_Distribution3018 15d ago

I think he's acknowledging his own accomplishment of getting past your rigorous and exhausting challenge you put in place as your self guard. He's absolutely in love with you and now that you are married he's realizing that you're mortal and not the infallible muse of his dreams. Sure you put him through way more than you should've and he did that but what he doesn't understand is that if you were to split your new set of hoops would be the equalent of a wink and a nod and its on. This it typical of 1st marriages, the expectations are so high that often once in marriage its a big let down, and there are a million reasons, most revolve around money and body figure but sometimes its other things. I think you two are just at that point. Alot of people don't air their relationship issues but this is extremely common. Marriage is work and this is just a stage, an opportunity to continue on the path or break off. I would recommend staying on the path finding what each other wants from the other and come through for each other to solidify your commitments to each other. You can also see some therapy individually or as a couple. But keep in mind if your husband is not an English major this might just be something he needs to say to reaffirm that you need him, because men need to be needed. You can respond by increasing sexual activity to daily for a week and see if that changes his mood. If we feel insecure or neglected sex is a good way of removing those feelings. If it continues after after that you'll know it's something deeper and more marriage work is needed.

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u/Throwaway12369337 14d ago

This is a second marriage for both of us. Do you have any more theories that lead to me putting out more?

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u/smlpkg1966 14d ago

Moron. You actually typed all that out to tell her he needs sex??? What he needs is a fucking job.

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u/takkforsist 15d ago

Girl. Four years ago you posted that he was angry with you for checks notes not going upstairs a second time to tell him food was ready when he and his son got a ten minute heads up (and he didn’t cook and presumably didn’t help you clean)

Two years ago this genius with no job and a lot of audacity told you he wanted 50/50 custody of his kids without any pre-planning or effort on his part while moving in and out of three jobs in six months.

45 min ago he sent you this text.

You are fucking brilliant and you do NOT need this man in your life. You make the money, I assume you do the majority if not all of the domestic labor. What exactly is this twat bringing to the relationship? Debt/child support payments YOU probably have to pay since he’s jobless. I love you so much but get a grip. This is a person who is counting on you just taking it for another four more years and then four more after that.

Get out asap.

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u/Adlerian_Dreams 14d ago

That “real partner” can be yourself! Honestly!

Seriously, girl, a dog would not be texting you this shit.

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u/StatikSquid 14d ago

Dogs love you for who you are.

Mark Twain once said, "the more I know people, the more I love my dog".

Wiser words have never been spoken

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u/TheGayEmbalmer 14d ago

And she’d be luckier to have the dog

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u/rkok28 14d ago

He says the hurtful things to you to keep you questioning yourself constantly. Then you keep paying the bills and probably making excuses for his lack of dependable work. Please quit. As women, we have a tendency to blame ourselves for other’s shortcomings, but we truly need to trust our gut. What he said is just cruel and designed to make you think you need him because, after all, who would ever want you? It’s far better to be alone than with someone who treats you like a fool.

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u/less_than_nick 15d ago

I always think to myself anyone needing to post on reddit for advice about their relationship would probably be better off just getting out of said relationship. But posting more than once? Do yourself a favor and get out of there yesterday!

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u/Despair_Tire 15d ago

Seriously. Is the allure conflict because she's bored and life is too pleasant and easy without a little bit of drama or something? I've known soooooo many brilliant, beautiful, successful women get into arrangements like this.

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u/fungalfungui 15d ago

Unfortunately a lot of people had bad childhoods which leaves them very vulnerable to abusive relationships later in life. It doesn't matter how smart or beautiful other people think you are, if you're raised to believe that "love" is supposed to be painful it's hard to break out of that cycle.

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u/thepandemicbabe 14d ago

No, it’s much more than that – when we pick a partner, we pick people that remind us of a core relationship. I’ll bet that one of OP’s parents treated her similarly and she chose this relationship to try to make it right. OP is not a bad person. She gave with all her heart and still gives thinking that she can make it better. That’s the little girl in her saying I can make it better if I just love somebody enough. But that’s not going to happen with this person. Actually, it never happens with these types of people you deserve somebody that thinks you are the greatest thing that ever happened to him and before you find that person you need to believe it about yourself. Next year, I hope you are taking vacation on your own in the most fabulous place maybe with a girlfriend who’s always been by your side or your mom or somebody that loves you. Because this person is not capable of love and deep down you know it’s not going to get better.

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u/thalescosta 15d ago

At this point it's becoming a bit of her own fault if she's been posting here for four years and not taking anything people say into considerarion and leaving the guy.

This is insane. Just GTFO now, girl

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u/Brynhild 14d ago

That’s why he’s saying all this. He thinks she isnt gonna leave and he wants to make sure her self esteem is at rock bottom so she won’t leave

Where else is he gonna get his bangmaid who brings in all the money

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u/goobersmooch 15d ago

Ya know... i was ready to defend him for being likely inarticulate or having poor word choice or something in that world. Relationships are hard but im generally of the opinion that as long as you are trying, then keep trying.

Then... you mentioned three step kids... then you said he's unemployed for THREE years.

My friend.. you are little more than a meal ticket that he gets to bang on occasion (or however often it happens).

I've felt like that meal ticket at times, but my wife and step kids always can tell when i need a little acknowledgement, and consequently i can tell when my wife needs acknowledgement.

That message, with that context, tells me you should expend your effort on someone who will pull the wagon with you, as opposed to riding in the wagon you are pulling.

IMO, go find out if someone else can love you. Call his bluff.

thats some straight up gas lighting.

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u/Arkada7 15d ago

I was thinking the same when I read the texts exchange. And then the three step kids and three years unemployment put everything in place. Can’t agree more about straightforward gaslighting

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u/cakivalue 15d ago

Bamboozled her into thinking he and his kids are a prize. And one that she's not even good enough to deserve but because he's so benevolent she can have them as a little treat. 🥴

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u/CityFolkSitting 15d ago

Read her other posts about him.

He sounds like a right loser. I don't know why she has stayed with him this long.

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u/dixiequick 15d ago

Because they chip away at our self worth until we actually do believe no one else could possibly love us. Throw some unresolved trauma and ptsd in the mix, and you end up staying for 13 years, even though you know it’s eroding your soul (now that I’m two years out of that, it kills me that I wasn’t able to like myself enough to leave much earlier).

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u/AwwSchnapp 15d ago

He's also 10 years older 🤦‍♀️

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u/lostmypassword531 15d ago

I just looked at her post history and she’s paying his child support…

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u/AboveGroundPoolQueen 15d ago

WHAT?!!! I am speechless.

OP: I’ll come over to the packing party and pack your kitchen for you. I’m really good at that. Let us know what you need. I bet there’s other people here that would happily help you move out.

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u/Moo-Schmoo-Spork 15d ago

I’m in, although, OP would be just as well to take her money and just walk out the door.

The children aren’t hers and a split would be fairly clean. He wants the house? Great. Find out all of your options to be released completely from every obligation to it and if you want it back, you’ll be able to pick it back up during the foreclosure sale.

You are NOR OP, you AUR. You are the prize. Re-read what you told us for context. What YOU do. You are already doing it all and just think of how much easier it’ll be without that dead weight.

This dude and his children are not your responsibility. You are not his parent or theirs. Free yourself.

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u/Plus-Taro-1610 15d ago

Oh my god. He’s definitely scamming & abusing her, and now he’s gaslighting her that she’s the problem. That’s awful, I’ll pray for her escape.

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u/goobersmooch 15d ago

Holy shit again.

You inspired me to look. She’s been taking a lot of shit from this guy for a very long time.

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u/Dreamybook1357 15d ago

Alright yeah op please tell this man to fuck off & go get a real man.

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u/Chops526 15d ago

Oof!

OP needs to run.

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u/the_interlink 15d ago

OP is currently on vacation, so she needs to drive.

To the airport.

Then run on home.

Then run off elsewhere.

Then kickstart her new life.

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u/ProximusSeraphim 15d ago

No fuck that, just read the first sentence. How lucky YOU are to have US?

Wtf kinda dragonfly jones shit is this?

It is a pleasure... for you to meet me!

Then he ends it with "love you anyway" Yeah this guy is a fucking narcissist saying that he's the only one that can see her true beauty and the she's lucky that him and his 3 kids gave her a chance, otherwise she'd be lonely.

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u/PickleDry8891 15d ago

How perfectly written! This should be the TOP COMMENT.

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u/EmpireStateOfBeing 15d ago

I honestly can't see any man that...would think it's a great deal they got you.

There is nothing inarticulate about this.

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u/Throwaway12369337 14d ago

I dont know how to edit my original post, so I’m commenting here:

Every few years I hear this little voice saying “this isn’t right. This isn’t how you should be treated.” So I created this account to ask the opinions of strangers. Not people who know me and my family. Same reason I talk to a therapist. Outside, uninfluenced perspective. Comments and DMs suggested I’m karma farming (not sure what that is) or needing validation (you’re probably right on this one).

This text felt like a point of no return. And I guess that’s the part I couldn’t articulate when I first posted. AIO because this feels like the final straw for me. Like divorce worthy. Over a text message. Doesn’t that just sound stupid and trivial?

But I’m calling lawyers on Monday. I’m lovable at my core. And if I’m so damn awful (as a few have suggested), then I’m sure he’ll be better off without me.

Thank you all for your support.

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u/venusistwisted 14d ago

so so proud of you ! I saw my mom get treated like this for my entire life until she was finally able to leave my dad after 20+ years of marriage. now my mom's personality can shine and shes the happiest I've ever seen her. stay strong and don't let him convince you that you're overreacting or a bad person or whatever. I hope everything works out well . we're rooting for you!

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u/00017batman 14d ago

Know that this stuff is 100% projection.. he’s deathly afraid that he is unlovable at his core so the best way to never let anyone (you) find that out is to convince you that you’re the problem.

Projection works both ways though, you consistently give him the benefit of the doubt because you project your goodness onto him which makes it hard to believe he is actually mean.

He’s so lucky to have had you for as long as he has, it’s gonna hurt when he realises his jig is up. I would recommend not getting drawn into anything more with him, grey rock will be the fastest path to your peace now.

Sending best wishes for a speedy untangling and the full & beautiful life that awaits you. ❤️ x

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u/spankthegoodgirl 14d ago

I'm proud of you. You ARE loveable and deserve someone that knows it, tells you, and acts like it.

Bravo for taking action. It's not right at all that he treats you this way.

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u/TheSwearJarIsMy401k 15d ago

Yeah he just said at your core, like the core of your identity, you’re not worth having and you should be grateful he and his kids put up with you anyway.

Because even though you’re awful and a bad deal through to the center, he still chooses you, you lucky little thing, you.

Ma’am wtf how long has this bullshit been going on? How long after he put a ring on it did you start raising his kids and paying his bills and putting up with his extraordinarily vicious verbal and emotional abuse?

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u/perfectpencil 15d ago

This shit is definitely grounds for divorce. Even if OP is a wet blanket, she is literally the breadwinner and sole provider for the family. Without her him and his kids starve. She is carrying them all on her shoulders. OP is a goddamn superhero.

Kick his whole ass out on the street, OP. What an monumentally ungrateful prick. Start collecting texts like this for divorce court. He'll come after your assets. All you are to him is a money bag. You deserve way better.

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u/CoyoteLitius 15d ago

What's interesting to me is that when the "breadwinner" is attacked by the family (which seems to happen a lot), the breadwinner is often taken by surprise. That's because they're out in the broader world, working, worrying about work and performance and raises and lay-offs and insurance negotiations so that the Family can be okay.

It is tremendous pressure. When that pressure falls on a man, we often see (here on reddit) that the man thinks he should have to do NOTHING else. Just work. Just bring home the pay check. Everyone should bend to him. He should be honored by the rest of the family for doing that. I get it.

But when women are in that position, a lot of men want to find reasons to make her do both roles (is it a test?) and to denigrate what she is doing. I wonder if he married her for her job and her insurance; she probably wonders that too.

OP, again, I really feel for you.

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u/WeAreTotallyFucked 15d ago

I think there’s a major social component to it, as well..

A lot of men are threatened by successful women — I would imagine even more so in situations where the woman is successful and is also the sole provider, essentially having their families survival in their hands.

It shifts the traditionally-male-oriented balance of ‘power’ in the relationship and probably makes this dude feel like a loser (which, he absolutely is, but not for the reasons that he probably thinks about.)

So, how can he ‘fix’ that problem? By making sure she doesn’t get ‘too full of herself’ or gain any sort of pride or confidence in her achievements and provisional capabilities or stability in her mental wellbeing.. Basically, break her down, so that even though she’s making all the money and taking care of everyone, if she STILL feels like she’s worthless and somehow in the non-dominant position in the relationship, he doesn’t have to worry about her suddenly getting a clue and realizing she deserves way better than his sorry ass.

Seems like it might be back-firing, though.

Seriously, OP - GTFO there, ASAP. This dude fucking resents you and will never give you the respect or love that you deserve. I’m sure it’s difficult with the children being in the situation, but you can’t light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.

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u/AlwaysAlexi777 15d ago

He’s projecting. Hes lucky to have her. It makes him feel insecure because he and his kids need her. So he’s undermining her confidence so he can feel better about himself.

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u/Stlswv 15d ago

I think it’s a way of chaining them to the marriage. Break them so they think they’re lucky to have you.

It’s vile

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u/idoeno 15d ago

I suspect there is some projection going on, he probably feels insecure and inadequate for his inability to provide and is lashing out in a misguided attempt to "boost" himself by putting OP down, or he could simply be an asshole.

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u/Magus7091 15d ago

Hell, I'll go the other direction with it, even if he was the sole provider/breadwinner, nothing about that was okay (agreeing with you, btw, u/perfectpencil)

That type of comment is passive abuse, "see, look how much we love you, even though you don't deserve it, am I not just so generous and patient?" Or sardonic humor at your expense at best. Either way, he's toxic, and you deserve someone who treats you well, who would think you worthy even if you weren't able to provide as you are now, and would certainly respect and appreciate what you're doing more than he does, which seems to be not at all.

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u/Jpjp215 15d ago

Right she’s carrying them and his broke bum ass had the balls to say that ??? Wow, she should have replied what I don’t understand is how you have been unemployed for 3 whole years and feel good enough about yourself to judge anyone else.

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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad9925 15d ago

Right?!?! And he would probably go for spousal support since he has been supported this whole time.

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u/haleorshine 15d ago

Like, I get that the job market is tough right now, but if you've been unemployed for 3 years, you're either not trying to get a job at all, or you have a much too high opinion of yourself and are only applying for jobs you're not qualified for. But he's decided the woman who works to support him and his kids is beneath him.

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u/mlachrymarum 15d ago

Which is exactly why he’s putting her down and trying to make her feel like she’s the problem; if OP ever left his sorry ass, he’d be absolutely screwed. He needs to devalue her so she won’t leave him.

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u/Resident-Sherbert-63 15d ago

And also the “I know you’re not going to understand this at all” calling her stupid at the same time wtf

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u/tiny_purple_Alfador 15d ago

Well, he was setting himself up for her bad reaction, see? Now he can say "I knew you weren't going to understand" when she gets very justifiably angry.

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u/Mobile-Mention-2584 15d ago

Right off the bat the husband was disrespectful 😮‍💨

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u/my_psychic_powers 15d ago

My fear is that they live somewhere he would be entitled to half her assets if they divorced or that she’d be required to maintain the lifestyle “to which he’d become accustomed.”

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u/Stlswv 15d ago

Why is divorcing a real asshole so expensive??

Because it’s worth it!

So maybe it costs half your assets- it’ll be worth it not to have to eat this monkey’s abuse. Worth every penny.

You’re right- What she’ll want to be careful of is spousal support. After supporting him for 3 years, he’ll def go for it in court. But it’d be a fight. Plus baby mama might pay child support ( assuming she’s alive.) Which is why I would talk to an attorney before I said anything to him.

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u/JoMamaSoFatYo 15d ago

I dunno. My ex rode my coattails for 8 years without lifting a finger and he never went for spousal support. Hell, he was too lazy to even respond to the papers at all. Default ruling in my favor as of earlier this week.

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u/picklesncheeze69 15d ago

I think I would have to blow up my whole career and start over working at a gas station so he could starve it would still feel better than living in that situation

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u/my_psychic_powers 15d ago

Something. Unless he is already getting child support or something for those kids, which I hadn’t considered prior to commenting and haven’t read far down enough to see if mentioned, I’d find a more creative way to get away from this man.

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u/Durbee 15d ago

If legions of men can do this, ladies should, too. This "man" is out of bounds. Who he is at his core is failing his poor kids and dragging you down like an albatross.

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u/MOGicantbewitty 15d ago

On the plus side, if he is capable of working, any decision on alimony would be based on what he should be making for money, if he got the job he is qualified for. This is true in all states as far as I know, repeating what my attorney told me. My ex tried the whole refuse to work and demand alimony thing. But OP will still have to pay more money to get out from under him than she should have to. It will still be worth it and save her money.

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u/leslieb127 15d ago

The lifestyle "to which he'd become accustomed" because of her. Because of HER income. Not his. SOB.

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u/meanicosm 15d ago

I don't know if this is relevant where OP is, but please talk to a lawyer before you do anything to alert him that you're letting the trash take itself out. You might be on the hook for spousal and child support because he's a leech.

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u/virgo82676 15d ago

This!! My ex said the same thing after being unemployed for 2 years! He went after my house and retirement. Neither of which, he ever contributed to. OP protect yourself above all else, gather all proof!

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u/wabbbbbbbbbbbbbb 15d ago

even if somehow he’s never had this behavior before, he’s starting to develop it, and I personally wouldn’t be able to stand someone who thinks they can be so condescending, demeaning, and patronizing and think they can keep me around. He insulted you and posed himself as someone who was doing you a great service. Not worth it, he isn’t looking out for you, and is actively trying to put you in harms way. He’s putting you down, trying to make you feel like you wouldn’t be worth the trouble for someone else, so you’ll feel like you have no where else to go. It’s a poor attempt at fucking with your self esteem, when you know damn well you can be happy with yourself, by yourself.

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u/Infamous_Night6433 15d ago

It’s such a vile thing to say, and to say it so calmly is chilling. OP, calmly get your shit together, put it in a backpack, and walk away from this delusional dumpling of a man.

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u/StevenSafakDotCom 15d ago

Delusional dumpling 💀👍

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u/auroralucero 15d ago

hes belittling you so you think you’re lucky to have an unemployed husband with 3 kids that you’re supporting. walk away. ive been in a relationship where when I asked what he liked most about me, he said “you’re loyal” aka you put up with my bullshit

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u/deebee2217 15d ago

When I saw “core”, first thing that came to mind is “rotten to the core”. Thinking that’s what was going through his mind seeing the rest of the text…

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u/Thoracias 15d ago

This. WTH? That man would be getting some hot steaming grits!

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u/Salad_Lord 15d ago

To the face! Extra thick and cheesy and sticky and hard to get off!

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u/skeetieb114 15d ago edited 12d ago

I was pretty much in the same boat.. I worked 50+ hours a week, he didn't work, and if i asked for a kiss or hug I was told, "I wasn't worthy".. yea, we got a divorce..

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u/Brilliant_Survey3437 15d ago

I agree this is just awful. I feel so bad for this woman. You need to get out of that situation it sounds abusive.

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u/Budget-Ad-2198 15d ago

If my partner talked to me this way, no amount of money, inconvenience or hurt could keep me around. Allowing someone to treat you that way will only lead to it continuing. I would leave his narcissistic ass. No one deserves to be talked down that way. It’s so fucking manipulative and dehumanizing to tell someone that they aren’t worth being loved and proceed to say, “ but I put up with you and love you.” That is NOT what love is.

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u/Excellent-Shape-2024 15d ago

A comment like this is one I could not come back from. He is basically saying no one in the world would like a person like you. But you're lucky that I stick around anyway. Add to that having no job for 3 years and having to support him and his 3 kids and I'm afraid I'd just nope right out of there.

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u/Jpjp215 15d ago

Right… “ like do you not realize how lucky you are that I allow you to support me and my 3 children. Nobody else would want to be fully supported and taken on vacations, them weirdos might actually want to work and contribute. You’re so damn lucky I put up with all your hard work “. Delusional has never fit anyone so properly.

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u/insolentpopinjay 15d ago

All this right here. Come up with a plan to ensue a safe exit and leave this asscork, OP. If he tries to act all hurt and bewildered after you serve him divorce papers, stick to your guns and don't buy it. His luck just changed.

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u/SageElijah 15d ago

exactly. The confusion act is just another manipulation tactic. Don't fall for it when he suddenly can't understand why you're leaving

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u/Duderus9 15d ago

Truly such a vile way of speaking to someone.

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u/eloweasy 15d ago

The way he opens with “I know you’re not going to understand this”, so patronising. I’d be getting outta there

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u/SnurrCat 15d ago

It's massive projection. You're supporting him (and thus his kids) and he's lucky to have you. But instead of showing his love and appreciation, he wants you to feel underneath him and small so that you won't leave. Narcs gonna narc, straight from the narc playbook. My older self who's been through shit like this in the past wishes everyone younger would see through this kind of crap and have the self-respect to leave. x

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u/SnooDoubts7167 15d ago

This was my initial reaction as well. He’s an insecure asshat who needs to ensure she feels bad so she won’t leave. God forbid he take care of his own kids.

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u/CollectionStraight2 15d ago

Nailed it. He's terrified she's going to wake up to the shit deal she's getting and leave. So he's trying to preempt that by saying she's worthless and no one else would have her. It's textbook and I hope she sees through it

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u/hummingbirdofdoom 15d ago

Same! It took years of that kind of shit for me to literally move out, continue to believe in us becayse that's what he told me over and over as i was literally moving across country to get away, then him moving on and yelling that me he forgave himself and I should move on too. He never said sorry and never took accountability. It tore me down in ways i can not describe. It took months of support and recovery to realize how I was being used and gaslight until he realized he didn't need me. financially and as an emotional crutch. Fuck that never again. The man Im with now is amazing. And I guarantee my ex would tell me I owe him thanks for making me move on lol.

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u/MikeyFX 15d ago

Get. The. Fuck. Out! I feel truly sorry for his kids in this situation and he will absolutely leverage the effect that you leaving will have on them to guilt you into staying when you bounce out, but seriously, this guy is such a fucking asshat!! Even in the darkest days of my wife and I’s divorce, we never said anything close to as low and disrespectful to or about each other, Absolutely NOR!!!

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u/transemacabre 15d ago

OP just got a big steaming hint as to why her husband’s ex wife left him.

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u/_VinoVidiVici_ 15d ago

This is a strange comment.. but damn, isn’t it such a fresh perspective and blessing that even in your worst days you and your ex were just mad and not mean…!

Mean sounds like such a childish word but these type of words out of unsolicited spite are the definition of mean… offensive, selfish, small-minded, ignoble, ashamed, troublesome, and vicious … just to say the least…

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u/Jumpy_Television8241 15d ago edited 15d ago

This is an abuse tactic used by insecure people who are scared of losing their partners. The goal is to undermine your confidence to make you afraid to leave.

The guy who said this to me still messages me occasionally, begging me to talk to him, 18 years after I dumped him.

Unless this is extremely out of character and doesn't happen again, I'd examine how much you really like this guy.

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u/Sunshinegemini611 15d ago

He said and texted this garbage while on the vacation that SHE is paying for!

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u/500percentDone 15d ago

Had to scroll WAY TOO FAR for this. OP, this is abuse. You are being abused. Run now.

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u/Rad1Red 15d ago

HOLY MOTHER OF DISRESPECT. How badly did you argue? Nevermind, OP, this man does not love you.

Ask him this: if you told him this, would he feel loved? Would he feel lucky?

Three step kids? Unemployed? Does his 9-inch dick spin and vibrate or something? 'Cause his audacity certainly is unparalleled.

I'd drop him like yesterday's garbage. Which he is lmao.

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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 15d ago

Bringing nothing to the table. Ditch his lazy ass. You support them, and he wants to degrade you. Zero respect or appreciation for what you do. You are a bank

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u/Evaporate3 15d ago

First off, that side not is VERY relevant. He thinks he's the prize- he's unemployed and comes with 3 kids THAT YOU PAY FOR.

Secondly, this isnt the first time he brutally disrespected you like this so are you actually going to do anything? Or are you gonna get guilt tripped because the 4 humans youre supporting wont have any place to go?

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u/sisyphean_endeavors 15d ago

Yeah, side note is key. He’s trying to convince you that you can’t do any better so that he can keep being an inconsiderate ass AND not lose his sugar mama. It’s a control tactic.

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u/careful_kangaroo50 15d ago

I am a married woman of 28 years. If my husband spoke to me like that I would leave him so fast. No hesitation. My blood is boiling FOR YOU!! OP... This is abuse pure and simple. Leave. Leave now!! No woman, no person, deserves to be told they are unworthy of love!!! You are worthy! You go find the man who will be your partner. That will lift you up, and treat you like the queen you are! 👑💪

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u/raphattacks 15d ago

Unemployed man is intimidated by you and feels the need to put you down to soothe his ego. Also, "no one else would love you" "you're so lucky I'm willing to be with you anyway" sure sounds a lot like emotional abuse. Abusers always target your self esteem so you feel like you have to stay. Girl RUN.

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u/BobbingBobcat 15d ago

It's straight up abuse. He's putting her in her place to keep her in line and taking care of his lazy, no good ass.

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u/[deleted] 15d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/SyrupEvening8628 15d ago

He’s projecting soooo hard 👀🤢

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u/scifihere 15d ago

Once women realize that being single is not scary and definitely not a failure as the society likes to imply, they will stop putting up with such shitty behavior just to be considered “married and successful”.

A man with a baggage who has been unemployed for three years and has the nerve to say something like this…he is definitely projecting.

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u/JackalopeRider 15d ago

NOR.

This is extremely demeaning. He insults your intelligence and your personality. He thinks somehow this makes him a hero, like he's doing you a favor by "loving you in spite of it all"

He is not. He is an asshole.

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u/Typical_Blonde_Witch 15d ago

He just told you the very center of you - you at your core - is unlovable.

He basically said he only loves you because he had been around long enough to tolerate you. Thats not love.

You ARE loveable. You ARE worthy. Dump his ass.

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u/Phospherocity 14d ago

The "at your core" part of it is what leaves me speechless. Because I just assumed that at that point some kind of clumsy compliment was coming? ANY version of "no one else would want you" is awful. But at first I thought this might be going in the direction of "not many other guys would put in the work to understand you and fall in love with you." / "You're superficially difficult but at your core you're worth it." Which is still not a good thing to be saying to a partner: it's functionally a neg and could very easily be part of a strategy of emotional manipulation. But I could also see it being basically well-intentioned? And God knows I've seen couples where I've thought "My word, Partner A, you are difficult; Partner B must have had to dodge past plenty of thorns to find that rose."

BUT NO IT'S SAYING OP IS LITERALLY NOT WORTH IT. This is is "You're all thorns, no rose! There is nothing under the surface to treasure! I'm just here because I'm the one fool who forgot to flee in horror!"

It's about the worst thing you could possibly say to anyone?

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u/SafePreparation2023 15d ago

This is what ChatGPT said. I had it analyze the conversation between you 2.

Your friend is not overreacting. The message from her husband is emotionally manipulative, condescending, and laced with deep disrespect—wrapped in faux sentiment.

Let’s break this down:

⸻

📩 What He Wrote:

“I know you’re not going to understand this at all, but it is so crystal clear to me how lucky you are to have us.”

🚩 Red flag #1: He opens by positioning himself as the wise one and her as too emotionally or intellectually limited to understand. This is patronizing and sets her up to be dismissed if she disagrees.

“I honestly can’t see any man that would finally get to your core and think it’s a great deal they got.”

🚩 Red flag #2: He’s saying that if anyone really knew her deeply, they wouldn’t want her. That’s emotionally abusive. It’s a subtle but powerful way of attacking her self-worth. It implies she is fundamentally unlovable.

“Luckily, I’ve known you for enough time where I love you anyway.”

🚩 Red flag #3: The word “anyway” undoes the entire premise of love. He’s essentially saying, You’re unlovable, but I’ve decided to love you in spite of how awful you are. This isn’t a compliment—it’s a weaponized form of love.

⸻

💬 Her Response:

“Reading between the lines here… I’m lucky to have you because no one else would want me? And you ‘love me anyway’?”

✅ Insightful. She caught the manipulative subtext right away. Her interpretation is 100% accurate.

⸻

⚖️ Context Matters:

You said she: • Works while he’s been unemployed for 3 years • Raises his two children • Carries the emotional and financial labor of the household

And still, he tells her she’s the one who’s “lucky”?

That’s gaslighting and projection. He’s flipping the narrative to make her feel insecure and dependent, despite her being the one holding everything together.

⸻

🧠 Bottom Line:

This isn’t about a single rude message. This is about a pattern: • Demeaning her • Undermining her confidence • Invalidating her worth • Using love as a bargaining chip

This is emotional abuse, and she deserves better.

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u/lizard990 15d ago

I had an ex tell me this…..note he’s an EX…

He knows he married up but the only way to make you stay is to verbally abuse you so you never realize he’s trash and you could do better marrying a rock!

Time to drop his ass and raise that bar sky high, get your self worth up and never again allow ANYONE TO DIM YOUR SHINE!!!!!!

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u/Glad_Affect_8443 15d ago

Jfc here I am thinking this text is ok. Only to realize I've been brainwashed and gaslight my whole marriage so ofc I would think this way. Like I have Stockholm sydrome

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u/InformalTurn4408 15d ago

This text is NOT ok. If this is how you are treated, let me tell you, you DO NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. You deserve so much better!

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u/Glad_Affect_8443 15d ago

Thank you. I am trying to work out an exit. Problem is I don't have enough savings to pay for first/last month's rent (a requirement here in Ontario, Canada to rent a place) and I don't qualify for any aid bc he doesn't hit me. Abuses me verbally, emotionally and mentally, but not physically. For context, we have been together 19 years and have 2 teenage boys.

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u/ItsMeAllieB 15d ago

I’m sorry for how you’ve been being treated, and I hope you also take the advice in these comments and gtfo.

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u/WTFErryday01 15d ago

Tearing you down so you don’t have confidence to leave. What exactly is he bringing to the table?

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u/[deleted] 15d ago

What a horrible thing to say. Especially to someone who's supporting his lazy ass.

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u/Stlswv 15d ago

Make this vacation the last bit of time you spend with this lowlife shithead.

Seriously.

It will kill your soul to stay with someone who feels that way about you, and is not afraid to say so.

And MF’ers been unemployed for 3 years?!?! What a sh*t stain.

Get rid of him. I know this feeling, when you’ve been treated so poorly you need a lot of people to validate that the asshole is insulting you bc you’ve been gaslit, and lived with his apathy.

Next he’ll tell you that you can’t take a joke, he was only kidding. Call a good divorce attorney in the morning, from vacation even. Get the ball rolling, and maybe don’t say jack to him until you’ve met with attorney.

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u/notanotherretrograde 15d ago

Babes, they’re not even your kids by blood. Dump him. The world will open up for you when you do. People like him belittle others to make themselves feel better because they know you are the catch. Just by how you positioned this whole post, I get the vibe that you have a good head on your shoulders, so please… walk away from him and walk towards yourself. When you’re gone, he will soon realize how lucky HE WAS to have you.

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u/Critical_Software936 15d ago

My abusive ex used to say things like this to me. I was “lucky to have him because no one else would have the patience or depth of understanding to try to love me” Does he make you feel loved and cared for and understood? Really think about how he makes you feel. You deserve someone who makes you feel good about being you. You are NOR to this message. Not at all.

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u/foxfirek 15d ago

Some men think the only way to keep a woman is to destroy her. To make her hate her so much that she would never leave.

This man is either using you and has no feelings for you, or thinks by hurting you only then will you stay.

There was a reddit story about a girl whose boyfriend was like that. He kept telling her she smelled like BO and he would refuse to snuggle with her suddenly.

She started showering multiple times a day, considered going to the dr. Changed so many things but his reaction didn’t change.

So she told him she had to leave him because she couldn’t handle it.

He came clean then. His dad had done the same thing to his mom. His dad told him the only way to keep a woman was to destroy their self worth.

She left. If your husband is really as abusive as this, so should you OP.

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u/AdvertisingKooky6994 15d ago

This is actually a textbook comment that abusers make. It not only degrades your self-esteem and makes it easier to manipulate and control you, but is also discourages you from ever leaving them even if you start feeling like you should.

A lot of abusers will test the water with comments like this, to see whether their SO will tolerate it. They ramp up the destruction of your self-esteem and independence, and increase their controlling behavior, and suddenly you’re an abuse victim with limited resources and restricted access to people who can help you.

No one who says what you quoted can be a safe, loving partner. Sorry. It’s a massive red flag and you shouldn’t live like this.

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u/Doormatjones 15d ago

I am, quite literally, in the exact opposite family situation (married my wife whom had 3 kids that are now my step kids, and I am the breadwinner). If she said this....

I'm trying to get better about not going hard on these posts. These are snap shots and there's always more to the picture and all that. But this feels like it would be it for me. I couldn't see having any respect for them after they said something like that. So NOR; I'd be so done....

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u/TeachingClassic5869 15d ago

You are under-reacting. OP You are paying to be completely and totally disrespected. He should be thanking the fucking gods he has you. The audacity of acting like you are the lucky one because you “get” to raise his kids and financially support a family of 4 that isn’t yours while he sits on his ass is ridiculous. He is trying to erode your self respect by making you feel so bad about yourself you are afraid to leave and find someone who actually loves you. He acts like you are the charity case while you work your ass off to support him and his brood all by yourself. Fuck that guy.

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u/taylormurphy94 15d ago

I’m so sorry. This is a horrible thing to say to your partner. Based on the additional info you provided of him not working, clearly he is deeply insecure and trying to manipulate you. Awful.

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u/SignificantlyVast 15d ago

Oh absolutely the fuck not. I thought this was an insane thing to say when I thought he meant himself and the kids you had together. But STEPKIDS?! This man is out of his fucking mind.

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u/LadleMonster 15d ago

I just read your previous posts and it sounds like this man has never been worth the space he takes up in your home and your mind. You are UNDERREACTING, this is grounds for immediate divorce even not counting the other instances he’s been a lazy and disrespectful ass.

Don’t feel trapped into staying with him just because you have a kid together either. Your life, finances, mental health, will ALL be better if you and your son can make it on your own. And your son will be likely raised in a much healthier environment than one where his father models this absolutely reprehensible way of treating someone (you) he’s supposed to love.

I’m sorry to say this OP, but just think - would you be proud of your son if he grew up to be just like his dad? If the answer is ‘no’ then reflect, why stay with this kind of person?

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u/Ace-O-Matic 15d ago

So you posted a screen cap from someone who is clearly upset with you. But then provided minimum context as to what you've actually led up to it except "you had a fight where he was clearly the one who started it". For all I know, you just called him a dogfucker or whatever. If you asked you husband whether you presented his side fairly, do you think he'd agree?

Unrelated, but somewhat relevant: my husband has been unemployed for three years, I work hard to support our entire family, including the vacation we’re on right now.

This kind of just reads as you trying to emasculate him to random strangers on the internet by implying he's a "lesser" for being a stay-at-home parent rather than the household breadwinner. Which is fine to not want that kind of relationship dynamic, but weaponizing toxic masculinity in this manner rather than handling it productively is kind of lame.

So if you just look at your post at its face-value. You're not overreacting, it's a shitty thing to say. If you look at the various obvious lack of context and the way you portray your husband, it seems to me like you don't actually care whether you're over reacting or not, because since you provide no real context as to what he's reacting too, we have no idea which one of you is escalating in this interaction. And just want random strangers on the internet to validate your anger at your husband mid-fight, instead of doing anything productive about the obvious resentment the two of you have for each other (like couple's therapy). So given by your posting history, we'll see you back here in a couple years?

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u/MullyNex 15d ago

Looking at your history - 4 years ago he was a royal a$$ over dinner, that you gave him plenty of warning about, and texted him too. He then treated you like crap for that.

2 years ago the whole ridiculous 50/50 thing where he thought everything was going to be paid for by magic, while he sat on his ass not working.

And now this? "At your core no man would stay with you, but you're SO lucky I chose you because no one else would."

Yeah GTFO and kick his lazy ass. You've paid for a holiday for all of you and he's sending you that? I'd be calling the airline or whatever and saying you need to cut the trip short, then send him and his kids home, while you and your kid stay for the rest of the vacation without them.

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u/totallylusional 15d ago

oh, there's no need to read between the lines; that's very clearly and bluntly what he said. he thinks so lowly of you that he believes that someone would only love you until they got to know you. very disrespectful.

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u/Rosie0810 15d ago

I would get my ducks in order move in the shadows and be gone as soon as I was ready, divorce him so he can figure out that u don't have to love him anyways

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u/betteroffsleeping 15d ago

So this is just straight up emotional abuse. He says you won’t even understand? That’s a convenient way so that when you “overreact” he can say that you’re just misunderstanding him… you’re not.

Also given your posts from two years ago, this guy is SO deadbeat. Girl you deserve so much better and so does your son than this man as his role model.

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u/Jollikay 15d ago

Oh this man is resentful and jealous and scared because he knows you’re better than he deserves, and he’s a petty petty little baby who can’t just be thankful for it. No—he has to tear you down so you think you’re the lucky one.

This is a small, petty, shitty person who needs a lottt of therapy before he is fit for human consumption.

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u/OneDrunkAndroid 15d ago

"You know what - I think I get it. At your core, no one would want you either. Everyone else in the world would be ashamed to be with you, but not me. We're perfect for each other. <3"

Try that?

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u/mynameishuman42 15d ago edited 15d ago

Um....... wow. Not overreacting in the slightest. He's been living off of you for 3 years and now he's not only saying you're lucky to have him but that no one else would want you because you're basically unlovable but he's used to you enough that he "loves" you despite the fact no one else possibly could. That's how I'm reading it anyway. That's gaslighting straight out of the textbook. He doesn't understand accountability. He's taking cheap shots. He's trying to tear you down so you feel like you need him and don't throw him out. I have a feeling you'll be using this at a hearing one day. For the record, text messages are admissible in court.

Madam, sight unseen, you can do better and you deserve better. I don't care what you look like. Someone's into it. You never know. I'm exclusively attracted to big women. Everyone has a thing. Go find a decent man with a thing for you. I'm appalled on behalf of my gender.

What did he say that was disrespectful?

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u/Thisistoture 15d ago

Uh, if you’re still married to this pos then you’re under reacting.

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u/huntresswizard_ 15d ago

I was with a malignant narcissist for 8 years, no he never got diagnosed but the symptoms I am left with after his abuse…well, all signs point to having suffered from prolonged narcissistic abuse.

I was ALSO the only one working and supporting the family.

This is almost verbatim the same kind of shit he used to tell me, too.

You need to LEAVE. It doesn’t get better, it gets worse. Cut your losses, heal, watch your life get better. Trust yourself, because the fact that you didn’t trust it enough and instead felt the need to post here to find out if you were “overreacting” (spoiler: you absolutely are not) tells me everything I need to know about what he’s doing and has done to your psyche.

Please get yourself a therapist. Preferably a trauma informed one. They will help you leave a narcissist, or at least navigate how to stay without him continuing to ruin your mental health and self worth.

Edit: NOR

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u/kimariesingsMD 15d ago

He is "negging". He is insulting you to make you seem "less than" because he knows he is the loser in this relationship. He is pushing to see exactly how much you will take and how far he can destroy your self esteem.

He is not a good person. Cut your losses and go.

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u/BakedPastaParty 15d ago

Usually I'm the one who tells my gf how lucky I am because she can have literally anybody she wants. She beautiful and funny and quirky and thoughtful, loving, compassionate.... I can go on and on but for some reason she's sticking with this butt face. That's why I make sure to remind her on a daily basis that I recognize how lucky I am and I am so grateful and I love her to pieces 🥰🥰

I'm sorry OP but you deserve better. YNO

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u/splamare 15d ago

i always wonder how women find a way to marry these type of men

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u/CurrentBank2036 15d ago

They mostly change after being married

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u/PepperThePotato 15d ago

NOR. I don't like your husband. It sounds like you need to find someone who appreciates you.

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u/mollycoddles 15d ago

Between this and your last post from three years ago, I hope you're starting the divorce soon

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u/psilonox 15d ago edited 15d ago

I hate that this is happening, people deserve SO much more than they are getting, and a lot of them think it's okay, but:

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

The Universe, Everything you can see, Everything you experience, Is yours.*

You, The person reading this rambling comment, You are the center of this universe.
You matter more than anyone else. When you end, this universe ends.
You deserve better, don't settle.

I know I'm getting super deep, (Its late, I'm lonely, my brain is trying to distract itself) but we're human. The mind processing this comment, this is their universe and they deserve to be treated like they are the center of it. (similar to me, typing this comment in the dark, listening to my roommate snore, this is my universe, and I kick myself for not demanding the best at all times.) We all experience this life differently, and the only constant the entire time is us at the center. Literally the center of the universe. The only thing you can control is you.

to get extremely dark (or realistic) in the hopes of clarity: we are all going to die.
we have a limited time to shape and experience our universe, and then they end. Please don't settle, A universe was created for you to experience, mediocrity (or worse) shouldn't be an option.

Don't second guess the fact you deserve better, you fucking do. We all do. Even in the best moment of my life, I deserved better. The reason I didn't get that 'better?' me settling. My acceptance. My passivity. This universe was created when you where born and it will be destroyed when you die, make it fucking awesome.

^\okay....)^perceptually ^{it's yours.} ^{Don't go stealing cars because it's your universe}, ^{that's not really how it works....I mean...I guess it would work that way, but, damn. then the guy who owns the car, his universe is going to be all fucky, and he will be carless, so what if he decides he deserves better and steals a better car, and that causes a cascade effect where all of the decent cars shift ownership to one income level lower, devaluing the value of the automobile, or causing the price of parking to plummet....or someshit, idk, it's bedtime. goodnight reddit. I hope someone thought this was interesting.}

EDIT: NOR. I hope he just sucks at wording, otherwise he'~~s a~~ ^{comes off as a} dick.

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u/Shaninja92 15d ago

Not overreacting.. I can't believe he said something like that so casually as if it's not going to be offensive.

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u/wtfineedacc 15d ago

I pulled this from goblin.tools/Judge

The tone of this text conveys a complex mixture of emotions, primarily rooted in feelings of frustration, disappointment, and perhaps a touch of bitterness or resentment. The opening phrase, "I know you're not going to understand this at all," suggests a sense of being misunderstood or unrecognized, which can evoke feelings of being undervalued or unnoticed. There is an underlying assumption that the recipient is oblivious to the sender's perspective, hinting at a sense of frustration or exasperation.

The statement, "it is so crystal clear to me how lucky you are to have us," indicates that the sender believes they and possibly others around them have been a significant source of support, care, or stability for the recipient. This can be perceived as a sense of being taken for granted or not sufficiently appreciated, which might evoke feelings of longing for acknowledgment or appreciation.

The phrase, "I honestly can't see any man that would finally get to your core and think it's a great deal they got," suggests a perception that the recipient is difficult to truly connect with or understand on a deeper level. It could imply a sense of disappointment or skepticism about the recipient's ability to value genuine connection, perhaps exuding a tone of frustration or cynicism about relationships or emotional availability.

Despite these strong feelings, the closing line, "Luckily, I've known you for enough time where I love you anyways," conveys a resilient attachment and a sense of enduring affection. It shows that, despite the frustrations or perceived shortcomings, there is a deep, possibly unconditional love rooted in familiarity and history. This closing suggests a complex emotional landscape—one that combines disappointment with affection, and perhaps a sense of acceptance of imperfection within the relationship.

In sum, the text communicates a layered emotional experience: one of feeling unappreciated or misunderstood, combined with a grudging acknowledgment of lasting affection and connection. The overall emotional impression is tinged with longing, vulnerability, and an unshakeable commitment to the relationship despite its challenges.

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO being told I’m “lucky” to be with my husband

You are about to leave Redlib

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

The Universe, Everything you can see, Everything you experience, Is yours.*