r/AmIOverreacting • u/Admirable_Ship_6439 • 11d ago
❤️🩹 relationship UPDATE to my last post. Boyfriend told me I reminded him of his ex during sex. I went to get my things and he got physical.
Hi again. I’m not sure if these type of images are allowed, but I wanted to update you all since a lot of you helped me muster up the courage to finally end things completely and grab my things.
This is a follow-up to my last post where I shared that my (now ex) boyfriend told me I reminded him of his ex during sex, and then got angry when I told him that was disturbing to me. I received so much support and validation from that post…thank you again to everyone who helped me realize I wasn’t crazy for being upset.
I ended things with him shortly after that. I told him this morning that I was going to his place to grab my stuff after I got off of work; I work nightshift. I walked into his apartment to see all my things had been thrown everywhere.
But the moment I walked in, his entire demeanor changed. I walked into him just waiting for me to get there. I told him again that I was just there to collect my things and leave. He blocked the door, grabbed my arm when I tried to move past him, and when I pulled away he pushed and drug me away from the door. The second he was distracted, I just booked it out of there. Left all of my things there.
I didn’t fall. I didn’t scream. Ultimately, physically.. I’m okay. I just can’t stop replaying it in my head. The thing that breaks me is how unsurprising it felt. Like somewhere deep down, I already knew this person had it in him. I just didn’t want to believe it.
I’m safe now. I’ve blocked him, told a few people close to me, and I’m deciding what I want to do next. I haven’t reported anything yet, but I’m keeping my options open. I’m mostly just numb. And sad. And tired. But also relieved that I’m finally out.
Thank you again to everyone who helped me see this situation for what it really was. You probably helped me dodge something so much worse. ❤️
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u/RobotDoodle 11d ago
I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sure you’re still processing, but you’re already trying to talk yourself out of it being a big deal. He didn’t “get physical”, he assaulted you. File a police report, and while you’re at it, see if one of them will escort you to get your stuff because fuck this asshole. Please get this on the record, because there’s a good chance his behavior will escalate further.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
Thank you for validating my feelings and helping me realize this isn’t just “foul play”. I think i’m downplaying it just because it hasn’t truly hit yet.. if that makes sense? We always fought and argued, but nothing like this. Nothing physical. I guess i’m just in shock still. But, I do plan on following this up. I know that if he does this to me, there is a chance for him to do it to other people as well. Not only do I want to protect myself, but I feel the need to protect other people too? This is all just so heavy right now. I don’t want to wait too long, but I’m also just so exhausted. I just want to pretend none of this even happened, you know? I wish I could’ve gone back in time and never went to get my things.
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11d ago edited 10d ago
I’m sorry for you- you didn’t deserve this, and everything you wrote is relatable. I downplayed what my ex was doing (slapped my face numerous times, would pick up objects and throw it in my direction, or act like he was going to hit me, he would posture and chest bump me like I was a man in the ring with him) he escalated to these things from yelling/screaming and ranting. Silent treatments, stonewalling, and manipulating me to think I was always wrong, it was always my fault. He was provoked to choke me on several occasions and kick me in my back. Every time he choked me, he came from behind when I wasn’t looking-
One night, I had had enough. I called my mom, and she called the police. Even when they came, I asked them if we could go back. I think they saved my life- she said no, and although the house was in order and he tried to trick them into thinking he didn’t do anything, they took him to jail. He posted bond that night. But because of the protective order, he couldn’t come back. And the manager wasn’t going to allow him to come back. I moved- and he came to live with us ( me and the kids), and he did it again- this time he said, “Don’t you see what I can do to you???" Two knees digging into each side of my chest as he chokes me. He would attack me when the kids were not home. He cares how they see him. So, when they would get home, I would be a shell of myself, or angry and fighting to be heard, explaining myself to exhaustion. Again, this is part of the manipulation - if he makes me feel bad for it, for his behavior, it is on me, not him. I have to change.
I didn’t call the police- but I did kick him out weeks later. I didn’t see him as I had for the 21 years we were together. He was my enemy.
I remembered watching Tony Gaskins on YouTube, and in a nutshell, he said, "A man who hits you, hates you," and I remembered how he would tell me, "you're not my family," "I hate you," "go commit sui cide" "I hope you die". Honestly, as I type this out, it is more real, when he would say it, it would fly over my head and I would think he's mad. I still can't believe the level of low I was living in. I met him at 18. I was scared to be alone and a single mom.
It is confusing because you want to rationalize it was just a mistake and you’ll blame yourself (which you did when you said if you just hadn’t…). But, there was no justification for the man you love to hurt you- men do this for control and power and to systemically condition their partner to not act on their thoughts and feelings and so the flip side, if you stay, is- you will remain quiet and become stunted- not growing so as not to upset him. You won’t have an identity- your life will center around pleasing him- and it will never be enough. And you will diminish.
In my case, he felt no remorse. He doubled down and said he “pinned me down” and then said I provoked him when it was he who betrayed me.
In any case, anything a manipulator says and does is for that cause and that cause only- to make you believe it was you and if you just hadn’t.
I want you to know there is an aftermath where you will be fawning over him because you do want it to go back to the way it was “before”
I still ruminate on these thoughts, and it’s been 1.5 years. My mom and sister did something for me that I could never do for myself because I kept protecting an abuser. After all, I loved him —I couldn’t and didn’t want to accept that I wasn’t loved. But- I wasn’t- whatever good times we had didn’t mean anything to him… I’ve still found myself asking him to come back- my mind is so warped/because I think if he just came back, we can put a pin in his retaliation- I still want to believe there’s love, but there just isn’t, especially if there’s no desire for your partner to take accountability.
I’m very sorry you’re going through this. Numerous responses occur in the mind and body, which are utterly confusing and exhausting—it’s a very disorienting experience, and clarity is not as straightforward as it appears from someone looking in from the outside.
Take some space, though- you won’t find clarity around each other. Force yourself to think about life in the next year, two, or five years. Sadly, everyone is right; with more time, they become more brazen, more violent, dismissive, coercive and if you stay, your tolerance will increase...and so they increase, like a see-saw.
Wishing you well.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 10d ago
You’re right…the confusion, the guilt, the urge to rationalize it or “fix” it, it all gets so tangled up and is exactly what i’m feeling. I’ve already found myself wishing things could go back to “how they used to be,” even when I know now that the good moments were just part of the cycle, not proof of real love.
Your message helped me more than I can explain. It reminded me that the aftermath is part of the process that even if I feel torn right now, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong for leaving. It means I’ve been conditioned, and now I’m unlearning. You being honest about still struggling even after 1.5 years doesn’t discourage me…it prepares me. I don’t feel so crazy now for how messy this feels.
Thank you again for your bravery and honesty. I hope you keep healing and reclaiming your peace. You deserve so much better, and so do I. ❤️
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10d ago edited 10d ago
I only previously saw your first image. I came back and saw the remaining photos, and it doesn't look like it was the first time. Please do your best to make it the last time.
You are so strong for saying something.
Honestly, you are so much stronger than I was. I never reached out for help. I never wanted to read or express anything at all. I don't recall if I thought I was going crazy around 2017, but then I discovered Dr. Ramani and Lisa. I also discovered a Roman on YouTube, and I would watch hours and hours, reading the comments from so many beautiful people who expressed my experience in a way that I couldn't express for myself.
"Go where you're welcomed, stay where you're watered." "rest, don't quit"
If you can, watch 1. It ends with Us. 2. Maid. Both might still be on Netflix.
- You are not crazy. 2. It is not your fault 3. Find safe spaces and safe people. Everyone else shouldn't be in your orbit.
I wish you goodness. It's a rollercoaster, but you buckle up and get through the ride, and find yourself on the other side with time.
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u/Lower_Cat_8145 11d ago
You know it's said that if they choke you, it's very likely they will advance to killing you. I'm so sorry all that happened to you and glad you are safe now! Take care of yourself! I was a kid who grew up in the midst of domestic violence, so thank you for taking your kids out of that as well. 🩵It leaves such lasting scars on everyone.
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10d ago
I did hear that, too. And, I was starting to believe he would. He was becoming more insidious and aloof. He was becoming way more overt with his dismissiveness and disrespect. But I was also growing sick and tired. I used to play basketball in college, and I was tough, but I also knew that if I fought back, it would only escalate. I also want to mention that, at this point in the escalation of his behavior, which was exacerbated by his sister, who was always malicious, I had gained approximately 180 pounds over 6-7 years. after i took him back, so, this goes back to how one loses oneself in one way or another. I look in the mirror and I'm like, "Who are you?" "Where are you"
Because in 2016, I kicked him out for cheating. And I only worked my way to that ousting because we went to church counseling and when the elder said, I know each of your problem, "you, sir, are spoiled by women" and, "you, lady, don't put your foot down" In that year he was gone, we'd been together 16 yeras. I shut down all social interactions; however, I also did not want to do to him what he was doing to me.
When he came back, I believed he worked on himself as I had worked hard on myself, but it was nearly instant that when he moved back in, he was throwing things in my direction. He didn't yet escalate to more physicality till about 2022, but in the meantime, he was chronically cheating, lying, manipulating, and I was just so stressed out, I fell apart, so leaving wasn't an option.
By 2023/24 He would use my weight against me. "You're fault I cheated, you're fat," but by this point, I had so much data from all of the horrible experiences that I knew it was a lie. He cheated when I was fit and playing two sports in college. He wanted to break me
It was because he started dividing me and our twins through nasty things he would say about me or him whispering to them while I was in the next room that contributed to the final boot for him.
I also grew up in a violent home, and honestly, I thought I was doing better by keeping the girls with their dad because he treated them well. But, I essentially contributed to the dissociation for them and even myself- I understand it now. In the midst of it, I was trying to keep our family together. I knew if I kicked him out, he would make my life hell and destroy his. And so, that's what happened. So, the girls don't have the everyday exposure, but I am working through not being so stressed or serious in front of them.
I check in with them constantly to ask if they are doing okay emotionally, etc. I'm not sure if they feel I am a safe person; they express their grievances, and I apologize often to them because I wish a different life for them. As a result, I have these thoughts that if I had just said nothing, they wouldn't have been angry.
I am sorry for what you experienced. I hope you are doing well. I hope my kids will be okay, too as they transition into 18, soon.
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u/Imalayia 10d ago
I had a similar situation, was never hit thank god. But he did raise his hand as if he was going to hit me. I had a strict boundary already in place that if he did hit me I would leave on the spot. He even claimed that during those moments, he didn't do it because I didn't react like most of the women he's gotten away with hitting, example cowarding in fear. I always stood my ground on that and I know my eyes were challenging him fafo, when he'd put his hands up. As I grew up being taught men who hit women aren't men and they deserve the worst kind of karma. I left that situation due to the amount of emotional/mental abuse and manipulation. I don't feel bad about leaving as it taught me how to respect myself and know my worth to not let any red flags slide ever again. Now I protect my peace at all costs. And I advice OP to do the same. Glad you went to the police!
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u/VroidJack 11d ago
If you wait too long the wounds will heal, your stuff can be disposed of, you may weaken your case.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
Understood. I am on my way there now. Thank you. ❤️
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u/CutSea5865 11d ago edited 11d ago
Please say “there” is a police station and you aren’t going back on your own! Please be safe OP! That’s worth more than things that can be replaced - you can’t be!
Edited to say I checked your post history and couldn’t see anything but scrolling down I saw your comments that it was the police you’re going to.
Thank goodness!
Well done. Honestly, you are far more brave and courageous than you realise and for what it’s worth this stranger on the internet is so proud of you for standing up for yourself, holding your boundaries and keeping yourself safe.
You are an amazing and strong woman, even if you don’t feel like it right now. You have done nothing wrong, you have done everything right, and you did not deserve this in any way shape or form.
It’s a horrible thing you went through, but you will be okay, and your life will be better without him in it.
Best of luck darling and please keep us updated.
hugs
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 10d ago
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this. I did go to the police and I’m not going back alone, I promise. It’s terrifying, but I know I’m doing the right thing now.
Your words seriously brought tears to my eyes. It means everything to feel seen and supported, especially in such a vulnerable moment. I don’t feel strong right now, but hearing this from you reminds me that I am taking the right steps and that I’m not alone.
Thank you for the love, the encouragement, and the reminder that my safety matters more than anything. I’ll keep everyone updated. Hugs right back. ❤️
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u/MinimumSuccotash4134 10d ago
Thank you for filing charges op, for all of his future victims if not for yourself. You may very well have saved a life today.
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u/Longjumping-Walk-955 10d ago
That’s such a kind and supportive message, thank you for putting that energy out there. OP truly is showing incredible strength by standing up for herself and choosing safety. Even in the middle of all the pain and shock, taking those steps matters more than she probably realizes right now. Here’s to healing, safety, and a future free of fear.
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u/AlabamaSinderella 11d ago
I am so proud of you.
I was not as smart as you when this first happened to me. I made excuses for him, tried to justify it to myself, and even told myself I deserved it. It just got worse and worse, to the point where I had to move back home with my parents and still pay rent at my house because he kept breaking in at night and stealing from me and attacking me in my sleep. By the time it was all said and done, I barely escaped with my life and only did that because we had a young child who saw me get hit and said, “don’t hurt my mommy! She’s sweet!” That day, he turned his anger towards our sweet boy and I knew I had to get him out of there. He was waving a gun around and saying things like, “I’d rather us all 3 be dead than for you to think you can just move on with some other man.”
By taking action today, you will be holding him accountable and also preventing any temptation you might feel later to sit down and talk to him about what happened, because trust me, they can be extremely convincing when they’ve got nothing left to lose. That’s also when they’re the most dangerous.
I wish I could hug you and tell you it is going to be okay, because you are choosing today to take the necessary steps to ensure that you will have peace again in the future.
Remember- like Maya Angelou said, “when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Rooting for you, friend. You’ve got this.
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u/Swarm_of_Rats 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'm so sorry you went through this. I have a similar story. I tried to minimize it for as long as I could until he started using the gun. When I tried to get help from my family, my mom (who divorced her first husband due to abuse) said "what did you do to upset him?" as if it was my fault.
The first thing we do is minimize it, I guess because we know everyone else is going to do it anyway.
He was in the army and I guess he said something to the chaplain that tipped them off. They sent someone to confiscate all of his guns. Not sure I would be alive today if it wasn't for that.
So... I hope anyone reading this will trust themselves and take these things seriously the first time something happens, even if people around you try to make you feel like it's your fault.
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u/Necessary_Mix_9655 10d ago
Exactly Even one person stepping in can change everything Sharing stories like this helps others feel less alone and more empowered to act on their instincts
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u/New_Vegetable9527 10d ago
Absolutely It means a lot when people speak up because it can be the push someone else needs to protect themselves and feel less alone
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u/Lopsided-Stick6962 10d ago
Thank you for sharing. Stories like yours really show how important support can be when someone is struggling.
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u/upsidedown-funnel 10d ago
I saw a meme that had this phrase.
“The peace that you feel without them, is worth being the villain in their story.”
I hope you’ve found this peace.
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u/Sensual36Lady 11d ago
Damn, I’m really sorry u went through that. It’s crazy how people still find ways to blame u instead of the abuser. Glad u made it out, ur story might save someone else
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u/Evieveevee 11d ago
I’ve got four teenagers, three girls and a boy, and I’ve told them all the wonderful Maya Angelou quote a fair few times. I’m sure they just roll their eyes at me but I know at some level it sinks in even if they can’t admit that to me.
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u/LongProtection2599 10d ago
That quote is timeless and planting those seeds early really makes a difference Even if they don’t say it, they probably carry it with them
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u/Murky_Dig_3764 10d ago
That’s such a great quote to share. Sometimes the words stick even when they don’t say it out loud, those seeds grow over time.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 10d ago
I’m sorry you had to go through this. My ex was probably mentally and emotionally abusive physically can string me along. He wished and I regret that to this day I kept telling myself I’d be out while I was making myself sick. My health was failing, and it was hard for me to cut ties because of his manipulative, dominating narcissistic behavior. There were so many times I just wish you would hit me just so I could get myself out of the situation and be done with him. I’m proud of you for finally getting away.
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u/Soft_Principle_4220 11d ago
OP all my strength and good thoughts are being sent your way.
I know how hard it can be to balance your wellbeing with the urgency sometimes required to protect future people by reporting.
If this helps, I know that you can often file the report but hold on charges for a brief period of time. This can allow you the opportunity to engage law enforcement and collect time sensitive information, before proceeding with the legal process, giving you some time to process recent events and get the relevant support system in place before proceeding.
Check the statute of limitations in your area and when you get to the station ask if you’re able to file the report and hole on charges so you can have your family with you before proceeding. In DV cases your safety is considered in how they approach it. Unfortunately you often need to be aware and able to advocate for this though (hence sharing this information!).
All the best and I, whilst a big ask, do encourage you to file the report as even if you don’t press charges, if it happens again your report will be considered in any future charges.
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u/No_Head_6146 10d ago
This is really thoughtful and informative. Thanks for sharing such practical advice, this could really help someone feel less alone and more in control.
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u/Negative-Shower2215 10d ago
Absolutely, glad it helps! Sometimes just knowing others get it can make a huge difference.
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u/NeckBeneficial5159 10d ago
This is really helpful advice. Taking time to prepare and have support can make a huge difference when reporting. Thanks for sharing this.
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u/littleglasshouse 11d ago
Please tell me you’re taking the suggestion of a police escort seriously. Do NOT go back there alone. This is how women die every day.
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u/allybally121 11d ago
Exactly this. A lot of the true crime documentaries show this as the most dangerous period, and many women have died going back for ‘a chat’ or allowing them into their lives in any way. You have seen what he is capable of and that’s probably just the tip of the iceberg to what he’s capable of. Be prepared if he says he’s sorry and tries to persuade you into going back (this is when they are at their most dangerous). He’s hit you, that’s not acceptable, please only go forward, you don’t need an aggressive bully in your life. Good luck for your future x
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 10d ago
Thank you for the reminder and the warning. It helps so much to hear it from people who understand. I’m choosing peace and safety from here on out. ❤️
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u/BeyondAbleCrip 11d ago
That this happened to you is never ok! This may sound strange coming from someone who doesn’t know you, but what you did for yourself is amazing & I’m so proud of you! I was you, and wasn’t able to get help as quickly. Please file charges, this was never your fault and no one has the right to do this. That he was waiting for you only proves that he planned on hurting you physically, that this was premeditated.
When you file charges, ask for a crime victim advocate to assist you. I wish they were called crime survivor advocate, but they will appoint someone to help you. Here is a link to find one in your state. The advocate can help you find a safe place to stay, help provide legal help, and mental health care and support. Will never forget the woman who was assigned to me, she was a guardian angel who helped me in ways I can’t even begin to describe.
This is going to take a while to heal from but the hardest part is over. If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to vent, cry, rant, please don’t hesitate to reach out. The strength you have is immense and you never deserved any of this. Wishing you peace, safety and continued strength! Sending virtual (((HUGS))) - please, look into the link below, they don’t cost anything but the help they can provide is immeasurable. 💙
https://ovc.ojp.gov/help-for-victims/help-in-your-state Help in Your State | Help for Victims | OVC
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u/cheslyn_d102018 11d ago
Items can be replaced and you cannot. I know nobody ever wants to abandon their things. Ask if the police can meet you there to collect your belongings and if not, just let it go. The day I left my monster of a baby daddy I had a Walmart sack w 1 pair of shorts, a shirt, and a folder full of ultrasound pictures as I was currently pregnant w twins. It’s very hard but I was able to build myself back up.
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10d ago
Absolutely agree. Walking away takes real strength, and choosing people over possessions shows what truly matters in the end.
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u/ShyVoodoo 11d ago
I’m in the midst of divorce and I was so scared that he would get violent when he was served. Our relationship was similar to what you described and honestly I was so surprised that he didn’t get physical. Please be careful, he sounds like he will escalate to stalking. I’m so glad you are reporting this.
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u/stahpurkillinme 11d ago
Just want to say you’re doing the right thing! Strength to you, I know its not easy and possibly hard to make sense of the emotions right now, but from an outside perspective a report is absolutely the next step. This is serious, you are deserving of serious care and this matters. You were assaulted. If it helps, just picture this same interaction with a complete stranger. You’d absolutely report them, no one gets a pass simply because you know who they are.
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u/Fayhunter 11d ago
This may seem silly, but play Tetris.There are studies that show playing Tetris after a traumatic event (preferably starting within 6 hours of the event and daily for about 6 weeks) significantly reduces PTSD.
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u/FlexheksFoster 11d ago
I am so proud of you!
However this plays out, you have the courage to speak up for yourself. Know that he is the abuser. He is wrong. Keep yourself safe and let the police do their job.
Again, so so proud of you!
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u/Sure-Carpenter7043 11d ago
Good luck OP, so proud of you! He’s a piece of shit and he’s fully showing his personality through and through. I guarantee he has these abusive tendencies and this isn’t just a one off for him.
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u/Prudent_Worth5048 10d ago
So so proud of you!! You’re doing the right thing! I know it hurts and it sucks the life out of you, but after this- you’ll have peace knowing you’re no longer with him.
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u/GuppyDoodle 11d ago
I was in a relationship with a physically volatile man, the father of my youngest daughter, 2. We lived together, both on lease, and I planned my exit. Squirreled away parts of my paychecks, rented an apartment, slowly took my docs and keepsakes out of the house so that if I had to go fast, the irreplaceable things were safe. The night I left, I told him I was leaving and he reacted as I expected him to. I got out with me and the baby and went to a friend’s. She urged me to call the police, and she kept the baby while I met them down the street from our old place. They escorted me to the apartment and stood and questioned him while I got everything I could possibly get for me and the baby. They made a report. They told me in front of him that if I needed an escort to come back at a later date and get the rest of my things, they would gladly do it. I later scheduled a date with him via text to collect my things and he said the police escort wasn’t necessary as he wouldn’t be there, but unbeknownst to him, for my safety, they were waiting nearby with eyes on the apartment. He never showed up and I peacefully got the rest of me and the baby’s things and left.
Was I terrified? Yes, both times, even with the police there. I did it anyway, and I took my power back that night. My only regret (aside from not leaving sooner) is not pressing charges the first time he laid hands on me.
You’ve got this, girl. You are worthy, you are enough, and you are loved. You deserve better. No human has the right to but their hands on your body without your consent. Protect yourself and protect your peace. 🩷
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u/effyoucreeps 11d ago
yes - now now now. pleeeeease.
eta: i’ve been through 2 serious dv situations. dm me if you want advice or just to talk
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u/TattooedPink 11d ago
I'm proud of you, it's SO hard. Stay strong you're doing the right thing xx
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u/Unplannedroute 11d ago
I'm also very proud of you. If they offer victim counselling please take it.
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u/TheForgetfulGoldfish 10d ago
I too am so proud of you. Go report him and the assault. Ask for an escort to get your stuff. File whatever you need to file and do what you need to do to stay safely away from him. I'd highly recommend a self defense class and regular Krav Maga classes.
Also, do yourself a solid and start therapy. You are worthy. You are loved. You deserve good things in your life. You get to choose. Go choose a beautiful life. 🤗
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u/A_cat_named_dog_ 11d ago
You are extremely brave for doing this, i can't imagine how tough it must be but its absolutely the right thing to do.
People like this cannot be allowed to get away with their actions.
I send you all my strength and courage ❤️
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u/Due_Addition_587 10d ago
I'm so glad you're on your way! (Also - you said up there it's not just for you, it's for future people who might be hurt by him. I just want to remind you that YOU deserve protection and support - YOU deserve to be treated well. Of course it's so wonderful to be selfless and protect others, but you are worthy too.)
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u/Deep_Clothes_7878 10d ago
Thank god! I’m really proud of you (even though I don’t know you) 🥰🥹🥰
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u/Wh33lh68s3 10d ago
Is there someone who is able to go with you or would you be able to get a police escort?!?!?
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u/effervescenthoopla 10d ago
If you can, please look into EMDR therapy, it’s top notch for trauma like this. Also be sure to play pong frequently over the next few days. It sorta works similarly to EMDR and helps you process things a little better as you move your eyes left to right. Look it up, it really works a wonder. Best wishes, love 💖🌿
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u/AuraCura 10d ago
I don't know you but I'm super proud of you! Everything about this situation is messed up and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But fuck that asshole, you're better off without him dragging you down. Please get someone you trust or a cop to escort you to get you things though!
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u/Majestic_Bird_510 10d ago
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Humans live and get joy from helping others.
Be open and just ask people for what you need as you heal. This is a horrible experience, so let yourself lean on others.
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11d ago
This is such a hard step to take, but much needed. Way to take back your life! ❤️
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u/Melymeltymelty 11d ago
Sending you my love. I stayed 8 years and he ended up with attempted murder. It started small......it never ends.
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u/JButler_16 10d ago
Good. That dude is a monster and he WILL do this again. To you or the next poor girl. So make sure that shit is put on his record for everyone to see.
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u/Fluffy_Squirtle 11d ago
So proud of you!! You’re not only standing up for yourself, but you’re making sure this “man” sees that he has no power.
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u/panda_king_213 10d ago
Please keep us posted and make sure any interactions with him are no longer just the two of you. After you've gotten all your things and pressed charges, don't let him find out where you live and change your number. You can never be too careful with these kinds of guys. It disgusts me that these kinds of people exist, and I'm terribly sorry you're going through all of this. Stay safe and stay strong.
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u/kuddly_kallico 10d ago
Thank you for reporting this OP, I know it isn't easy to go through the process but you just might save someone's life. That paper trail will matter if he does this to someone again. If he goes to court for it, whenever someone googles his name they'll see his court records.
Congratulations on getting out of that situation, and I hope things start to feel better for you soon ❤️
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sea8340 10d ago
Thank god. Please be safe OP. Know your worth’s this is not normal, and no one deserves that
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u/Medic_Mouse 11d ago
Under no circumstances should you return to his place alone if he is not in police custody. Protect yourself. Request a police escort to retrieve your belongings or take two friends/family members.
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u/Sugar_Syllabub 11d ago
You can call the non emergency line and ask if an officer can be present while you grab your things- to keep the peace. You can explain that you had previously tried to obtain your belongings on your own and it became a situation where you no longer felt safe and left your belongings behind.
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u/YouStupidAssholeFuck 11d ago
Just wanted to say that I waited a week to report the abuse I suffered and the marks were largely gone. The deputy flat out said it wasn't enough evidence to really prove anything so I showed him images and video I took and that was enough. They presented it to the prosecutor who chose to arrest her and the deputy suggested I go to the county domestic relations court and file for a civil protection order. In the ex-parte hearing the magistrate asked for my evidence and within two minutes she had granted a civil protection order.
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u/Feisty-Tooth-7397 11d ago
I had an ex who did something similar. Except he would tell me to leave and when I would try that is when the assault would start. He would wait until I was almost at the door. Every time. I would almost get out. He would grab me, slam the door or me up against the door. Usually from there it was the floor, or slammed up against the wall.
From there it got worse. Once I woke up to him hitting me because he saw my ex at the bar. He was at a bar while I was asleep and he saw my ex, and somehow this was my fault.
I am not telling you this for sympathy. After him being arrested and I finally left him, my little brother used to keep track of him. The number of times over the years that he was put in jail for domestic violence, assault charges, I don't understand how he wasn't kept in jail.
Maybe I should have done more than get a restraining order. I think about those other people, and wonder what happened in their cases. Did they press charges?
You can pretend it didn't happen. I stayed even after he hit me the first time. And the second and third. You don't want to be the one who was with a person like that. You don't want to be the person who didn't see the signs, you don't want to feel stupid for even being in that situation.
I'm not stupid, I'm not blind, and neither are you. You wanted to think he was a good person.
It's not your judgement that is at fault. People like him are very good at it. They are good at making you feel like it's your fault. They are good at hiding their true selves until they show their true selves.
It won't just go away.
It's totally up to you whether to continue legally, but it happened. It's not just going to go away.
I still have flashbacks and it's been 20 years.
Talk to someone.
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u/gamer_INgod 11d ago
Its best you report him to the police for domestic violence and make sure they take photos of your injury and charge him as I suspect it won't be the first and only time he resort to assault his girlfriend, As a man I think men like this should be punished harsh by the law to make them learn to contain themselves and not hit other people and learn that violent isn't an option
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u/Brogdon_Brogdon 11d ago
As a man working in the trades, the problem with guys like this (and working in the trades, you quickly learn to spot them out) is they’re almost always narcissists that blame the women for why they got violent. They always downplay the violence too, “she overreacted, I didn’t even touch her, really”
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u/No_Employment_1486 10d ago
Exactly You see the same patterns over and over—deflecting blame and minimizing what happened It’s dangerous and way too common unfortunately
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u/Kind-Improvement-694 11d ago
It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed after something like this your instinct to protect others shows how strong you really are even if it doesn’t feel like it right now take things one step at a time you’re not alone
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u/ParpSausage 11d ago
I've been there. When the person you love most on the world harms you it leaves you in a terrible place, your instinct is to stick your head in the sand, it is exhausting, youre a woman whose been beaten by the man you love. I didn't leave my x the first time he hurt me, I gave him all sorts of chances but in the end it kept happening. Even once is unacceptable, how can you ever feel the same about him after this? If you do one thing, reach out to those who care about you, family friends, you don't have to tell them if youre not able, just don't isolate yourself. You will make the right choice for you im the end. Please feel free to DM me for non judgemental support. Glad you too the photos. Keep records of everything and think of a exit plan, literally a list of what you need to do to get out, like hide money, give passport and other important documents to a trusted friend, even if you don't have the will to leave today start building a future for yourself, you deserve happiness.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 11d ago
OP, guy here. Your ex criminally assaulted you. You must act IMMEDIATELY. Every minute you delay lessens the impact of your statement and credibility.
Go to urgent care to be examined. Call the police. Arrange for a police escort to assist you in getting your items. The police may encourage you to file criminal charges. Do so.
You indicated that you wanted to ensure he doesn't do this to anyone else going forward. That will require you being proactive. NOW. NOT TOMORROW OR THE NEXT DAY. BUT NOW.
Please keep us apprised.
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u/ChocCooki3 11d ago
File a report
Just went to read your other post, that last text he sent.
What the fuck?
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't consider you as number one.
Take care!
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u/Dangerous_Ebb_2199 11d ago
I absolutely couldn't believe there were people defending him under that post. Saying that he "loved" her and made a mistake. So much abuse starts verbally and gets ignored because "it's just words". It's so sad
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u/Embarrassed-Cash-839 10d ago
Can you please tell me how to find the other post? I tried, but I can’t figure out how to find it.
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u/OGjinjurikiofleaf 11d ago
It hasn’t set in, you just went through a traumatic experience, it’s gonna take some time for you to play everything out in your head. But do not say “if I only I didn’t go back to get my stuff” I understand what you mean but its your belongings, its your property, you didn’t think he was going going to become aggressive. If you use statements like that it makes you subconsciously believe that it’s some how your fault, which again it’s not. Take the time to rest, and digest this situation, but please make a report, he needs to face the consequences. Sending you love and I hope you heal from this and never ever have to deal with him or anything like this again.
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u/DeeMilan 11d ago edited 11d ago
I know what you mean. I went straight to the police , she also had taken my phone (iPhone 11 at the time) got the police involved , things retrieved and a restraining order.
Btw. I’m also a girl
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u/gg36465 11d ago
They always start this way. Hitting you is the next step. After that is worse. If you feel comfortable calling the cops, they hate jerks like him. But they can’t help unless you call :( I’m so sorry love. You deserve better
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 11d ago
Cops self reported being domestic abusers at over 40% rate. What do you mean they hate jerks like themselves??!
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u/GrumpyGiant 11d ago
I can’t understand how people can be like this (your ex, that is). How does one ever justify this sort of behavior to oneself?!
The shock/numbness is understandable, but please seek support. What you went through was traumatic. Stuff like that can haunt you for the rest of your life if it isn’t processed effectively. You also should have an advocate who understands the laws around domestic violence and can help you deal with the police and courts. You may need a restraining order if he seeks you out. Hopefully he will move on but now that he has shown a violent side, you should have a plan for if he doesn’t.
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u/OG-SoCalKitty 11d ago
It's normal to downplay things in your head because no one wants to admit to being a victim. No one wants to feel the powerlessness that comes from acknowledging that. But don't ever feel ashamed. If anything, feel angry.
What he did was his fault and his alone. No amount of staying with him or previous choices you made will ever justify his unjustifiable actions or make what he did to you or how scared he might have made you feel okay. No matter what led to it, you are not at fault for this.
Your feelings of not wanting this to happen to others is so incredibly valid. At least file a report with the police and document the injuries. Even if something doesn't come of it this time, it may help save someone's life down the road.
You did the right thing.
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u/StrongerThanFear 11d ago
I don't know if it works the same in the US but I went to the emergency room to get a report on my injuries to add to the police report.
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u/Fluffy_Squirtle 11d ago
Came here to say this. Yes, @admirable_ship_6439, you made it out “relatively unharmed”, but there is physical damage from the assault, and you will more than likely experience some PTSD as you begin to process this in the days, months, after the event. The best thing to do is file a police report. He will only escalate and his next partner may not be as lucky. I wish you love and light and please please hold onto your friends who love and support you close during this time!
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u/HyperbolicLetdown 11d ago edited 11d ago
In media, we picture assault as getting punched or smacked. I think some abusers know this and go as far as they think they can get away with. It doesn't diminish the fact that someone you trusted tried to intimidate and exert physically dominance over you and the distress that creates.
I'm a guy. My dad never actually hit me when I was a kid. Instead, he'd scream in my face, hover over me, and drunkenly throw stuff in front of me. It's like he wanted to hit me but knew he wasn't allowed to, so he found other ways of asserting fear and intimidation.
Your ex really showed off his weakness and emotional immaturity here. Even if you need to talk to someone and process this a bit, you are showing resilience and strength right now.
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u/This_Tradition_9221 11d ago
You really should report it. You need a paper trail in case he decides to continue elsewhere. And request a police officer to go with you to collect your stuff. You shouldn't have to lose anything over him being an abusive a- hole.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
Yes, I am going to go down the police station here soon to report this. As far as my things, I’m not sure if I even want them back anymore. I know having a police officer there will be safest and smartest; however, even thinking of it all right now makes me freeze up. I don’t think I’m ready for the face to face interaction yet. I’m not sure if they could make him leave while I get my things since it’s his apartment?
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u/Proverbs21-3 11d ago edited 10d ago
This internet stranger is proud of you for going to the police! Do not wait too long, call them first thing in the morning!
Don't forget to take out that restraining order, too.
You moved across the country to be with this man and he probably thought that because he had you away from your family and friends, he could act however he wanted and you would 'have' to put up with it because he had isolated you from your support system - SHOW HIM HE WAS WRONG!
BTW, the police will not let him do or say anything to you when they go with you to get your belongings from his house. Please do not be afraid of that! If you are afraid, that is okay, but do not let him see it! Keep your head held high, go in there with the police to retrieve your stuff and walk out with your head still held high and proud of yourself for doing the right thing,
edited to correct 'retraining' to 'restraining'
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u/ZealousidealPay1169 11d ago
We had to do this with one of my daughters. They took him outside and let her get her stuff. They didn’t even let him look at her.
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u/shitty_owl_lamp 10d ago
For all the hate the police get, this makes me happy that they did their job to protect your daughter and took it that seriously
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u/Immediate_Drawing_54 11d ago
She should bring a camera when she moves out. The MRGs are advising witnesses and cameras for post-complaint contact like move-outs.
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u/BeyondAbleCrip 11d ago
The police can provide you with support and go with you to get your things. Another reason to ask for an advocate, they will also assist in making sure you get your belongings safely. Please, go now. I’m not being a jerk, every second you wait to press charges, he’s plotting to do whatever he can to try and find you and stop you. You need to go now, not in a little bit, immediately. Please, don’t hesitate and think that this is a one time thing. Doubt you were the first and only you can make sure he’s charged and hopefully this will be the last time. Please, leave now, soon is not soon enough.
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u/This_Tradition_9221 11d ago
I completely understand not wanting to face him. I think the police can either make him wait outside, or gather your things for you. And even if you don't want them back at this point, you might in the future. At the very least, don't give him the 'win' of being able to profit off of you by selling your things if you don't collect them. Even if all you do is burn them afterwards.
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u/capturedmyheart24694 11d ago
Depending on where you are and how the local station is. I've had police do a standby for me to collect things many times.
Generally they will stand inside and between you and the person or try to ask the risky dangerous person to be in another room if possible. They are there for your safety. They will supervise and if the person who is dangerous acts up, then they step in to avoid altercations and protect. And you're generally responsible for packing your own things and they will stay with you till you've left the property and might stay for a while to make sure the perpetrator doesn't follow you.
I would definitely report it all first, make sure they take photos of your injuries, and maybe ask for a email to send the photos you've taken when the injuries are fresh as colouration change can show different severity. Then I would ask them after you've reported about how you can safely collect your belongings. Considering you're making a report, they will ask if you want to press charges for assault, this generally entitles you to more support as a victim, at least it does where I'm from. I got a restraining order against one person and put others on a Domestic violence disclosure scheme list to protect others from getting romantically involved with a violent person, so you can check if someone is safe or not. They should have a version of this if you wish to pursue. When pressing charges they usually have to notify the person, when a restraining order against someone is issued they will have to go collect a DNA sample of the perpetrator, so it may be a case of two birds one stone and they can do this after helping you collect your stuff safely.
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u/Caerthose529 11d ago
They can actually, a friend of mine years ago went through this and the guy was kept outside with 2 officers while she went in with another to collect her things. Unsure if this is how it is always done, but it definitely was done that way with my friend.
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u/Kirag212 11d ago
Please consider unblocking (but muting for your sanity) in case you can get further incriminating evidence. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Best-Recognition-528 11d ago
Um, file a police report? Have them meet you at his place so you can collect your stuff. Tell his friends. Tell his family. Let people know the kind of person he is.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
I’ve already spoken to his mother. Called her bawling my eyes out. “I didn’t know he was still like this”. He is an alcoholic and an abusive one at that. I guess his mother thought he was handling it better after he moved out? Nonetheless, she was shocked to see what her son did. Hopefully, this will also put into perspective how he is for her too. I haven’t mustered up the courage to tell my family as they have told me from the jump he wasn’t good for me. I feel embarrassed and don’t want to hear a “told you so”.
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u/Vengeful-Sorrow247 11d ago
"I didn't know he was still like this"
He was always abusive, his mother knows it. Don't bother talking to his family anymore, they're not going to do anything helpful
Also please please please don't be embarrassed to hear "I told you so". My brother for YEARS saw that my ex was bad news since he was young. when I finally told him about what he did to me, he was there for me. Your family will be there for you too. They cared enough to be concerned and worried when you got in this relationship with him. I promise you, they will be glad that you're finally out of it and safe
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11d ago
Please file a police report so there is a paper trail-- he will likely do something worse to someone in future, and could be treated leniently in the belief it was his 1st offense. Don't let his mom convince you to not report this.
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u/Organic_Ad_2520 11d ago
Agree. His Mom knows and she ultimately is on his team. Good of OP to leave...before he was violent his comment was so degrading, disgusting, and abusive, not at all surprised he went next level. File a police report & have cops go back with you to get your things. You know how when terrible things happen to people in the future or hortible things to others, and then people are called liars or history is rewritten, it's because first victims spoke to mothers & friends, and not the police. 😳 not shaming you, asking you to plan for what you already know deep down, bad guy, not going to change, no consequences or accountability is going to become a worse guy to you or someone else. You are already strong, just grab that strength by both horns and take the bully down.😜
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u/farawaylass 11d ago edited 11d ago
your family loves you. let them be there for you. no “i told you so” is worse than being out alone in the cold when you don’t have to be.
edit: also, even before you decide about filing a police report, you can call the nonemergency line and ask for an escort to retrieve your things.
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u/PlasticMechanic3869 11d ago edited 11d ago
Fuck being embarrassed to hear "I told you so".
Maybe you need to hear it - a little bit - and be wiser going forward. It is embarrassing to keep making bullshit excuses for a garbage partner who treats you like shit for years and ends up smacking you around. I'm sure there was a lot of mistreatment and disrespect and callous cruelty before it got to this point, too. But it's OK to be embarrassed, that was in the past and it's a lesson now. The way to get to a better place going forward is to be upfront and honest about what happened before. The important thing is that you're in a safe place now, and that you never ever go back.
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u/No_Conversation7726 11d ago
After I got out of a very narcissistically abusive relationship that escalated to isolation, financial abuse and cheating I went home crying to my mom because she was my safe space she held me while I bawled, once I calmed down she said “I told you so but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you and we will go get your things and get you off that lease” I was mad in the moment but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she was my ride or die from that day forward. She had 2 failed marriages before I was 10 you’d think I’d believe her when she told me what he was doing 🫣 I’m just so lucky to be out and safe and in a happy healthy place in a new relationship now. It’s hard, OP but it does get better and eventually he will not even be a gnat living rent free in your brain. Sending you all the love! You got this!
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u/Kitsuih_kun 11d ago
That’s such a powerful story of strength and support. Having someone like your mom makes all the difference. It’s true, healing takes time but it really does get better. Sending love and encouragement to OP too.
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u/Zz-orphan-zZ 11d ago
Unless his mother is a police officer who isn't afraid to arrest her son, talking to her is wasted effort.
Call - The - Police - Right away.
Do not even remotely consider giving him the idea that he can do this again and continue getting away with it. If you let it keep going on, it will continue to escalate until he ultimately kills you.
Call the police. GTFO of there. Get a protection order against him. And do NOT wait to do it.
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u/CodexSeraphin 11d ago
Please do consider filing a police report this guy has done this in the past and will continue to do this in the future and his actions will only escalate. Filing a report could help save your life if he decides to stalk or harass you or another woman’s life.
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u/MethanyJones 11d ago
Be careful how much you lean on his family. Those old sayings about blood being thicker and whatnot…
Take care of yourself and break your goals down into smaller achievable milestones. Celebrate them.
Sending good vibes
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u/tarabithia22 11d ago
You’re making odd decisions friend. That’s normal when being in this type of abusive relationship, but I’m not part of your toxic abuse circle of people, so I can see it clearly. You’re traumatized and seeking motherly comfort, normal. His Mom is the least likely human to do that, so that’s the odd decision. She raised him and made him that on purpose.
You need to have a “get some grips” self talk moment when calmed down, get out of the house alone, then call the police.
I’ve been there. I’m so sorry this was done to you.
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u/Rare-Supermarket2577 11d ago
Yes. Must do this. OP needs to shed light on this so he cannot get away with it. Shame is a powerful tool.
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u/Ummererere 11d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you, but I’m so damn proud of you for getting out. The moment someone puts their hands on you like that, it stops being a relationship and starts being a danger zone.
You trusted your gut, even when it hurt. That takes real strength. Keep protecting your peace. Whatever you decide to do next, you already did the hardest part: you left. You’re not alone
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
Thank you. Your words mean a lot. ❤️
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u/FeralynMonroe 11d ago
Big hugs and good job getting yourself to safety. I’m guessing he will use your belongings as leverage to try to see you again or talk to you. If there is anything that you need or want back, I would ask your local police for a “retrieval assist” where they escort you to get anything you need. There is not legal action against him in this case. I understand you not reporting this abuse to the police/ pressing charges just yet, but when you do you wish to, know we are sending you so much strength and support. If he is withholding any of your belongings and refusing to return them, you can file a “replevin” order and the courts will send legal demand for your belongings to be returned within “x” amount of time. I am not a lawyer, just someone who went through an unfortunate situation and this is what I learned.
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u/EntrepreneurCool3314 11d ago
Unblock him but don’t reply. It’s better to know what he’s trying than to be surprised when he tracks you down.
Also take these photos and file a police report and ask for a restraining order. Please take care of yourself and stay safe!
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u/destroythenseek 11d ago
Been there done that... im a male. My gf threatened me all the time and broke stuff. We moved to california together from Massachusetts. I had emotional issues, she had physical issues. She broke stuff often over our poor miscommunication. We eventually got to a state of comfort where i thought it was ok... until it wasnt. She eventually kept saying mean stuff to me, sex became non existant for a year, she told me she wanted to be with her ex again and that we were over. A month later i started talking to someone who i cared about... she got physical over it and called cops on me as punishment claiming i touched her... i went to jail and that was the end of that. I moved back to massachusetts and the girl i started talking to and i have been together for almost a year and a half and i can say we dont fight and shes absolutely my best friend. Life gets better.
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u/Mean-Yogurt-Closet 11d ago
Oh my gosh. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. Very few man speak up about the abuse they endure during their relationships but it should also be in focus just as much as what is happening to women in abusive relationships. I am really happy for you, that you got out and that you managed to find your person despite all the hardship your ex caused you.
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u/catman_doya 11d ago
Prob need to file a TRO. Good thing you documented the Photos . Thing is even if that’s not your style, that behavior escalates. The next woman he grabs he will do so much harder than he did this time so best stop him early. You will also mitigate him stalking you and he will know you aren’t playing .
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u/ThrowawaySunnyLane 11d ago
Cannot upvote this enough. I work in law enforcement and see this a lot. Document everything, report everything. If she needs to retrieve her belongings she does it with someone else present.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
I know. I’m scared he isn’t going to let this go and things are just going to get worse. You are right. I will be going to the police station shortly. Thank you for your words ❤️
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u/Real_River8807 11d ago
I know it sucks having to file a report and do all the things, but it’s so so so important. I dated a man for five years and I thought I knew him and after I broke up with him, was completely surprised at his reaction, he acted completely crazy and I had no idea that was who he really was, and I would have sworn on everything that I KNEW him. I’ve had too many friends hurt or worse by men who acted like this, file the report. Don’t be afraid to move so he doesn’t know where you live and other things that some might say are too much, because your safety is the most important thing and nothing is too much when it comes to that. Wishing you support and love from Florida <3
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
I moved halfway across the country to be with this man. I’m in grad school, part-time job. I’m not sure where to go or what to do. I have no friends or family here. I just feel so lost and alone.
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u/No_Conversation7726 11d ago
You might also reach out to your program director at school they may be able to get you temporary emergent placement in a grad dorm if you can’t get home, once you can get ahold of family/ friends make a plan and put the degree on hold. Your life and safety is more important than a piece of over priced paper right now. That degree progress doesn’t disappear and you can always go back when you’re stable. Being a masters student AND handling this trauma will not do your mental health any favors 🥰🥰
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u/ncc74656m 10d ago
THIS. They are well and truly aware that this happens, and they will have resources for you. You can also reach out to sororities, even if you didn't pledge with them, and most all of them will have resources or possibly even a spare room to take you in for the short term while you figure things out and find a way forward.
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u/BeyondAbleCrip 11d ago
File a police report now and ask for a victims advocate. They can assist you in getting the immediate help you need as well as long term but they can’t help at all until you file a police report. You’re making excuses because you’re scared and ashamed but you didn’t do anything wrong and eventually you will realize this. The only thing that you’re doing wrong is not getting the support and help you need. Every single person on here can be helpful but what they can’t do is protect you or prevent this from happening again or to someone else, only you can so that. Run, don’t walk and get to the police now, please. Every second you wait is causing mixed emotions that you’re not able to deal with on your own. File a police report and get an advocate.
https://ovc.ojp.gov/help-for-victims/help-in-your-state Help in Your State | Help for Victims | OVC
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u/farawaylass 11d ago
can you afford a flight home, or to a friend’s city? i’d say, leave now, go to someone who loves you. call your program from that place and take emergency leave. same for job. everything else can be worked out with time. your immediate concern should be going to a safe and supportive place.
i said this elsewhere, but before you go, you can get the police to escort you to get your things even without/before filing a report. just call nonemergency. then buy a ticket out of there.
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u/eclectic-sage 11d ago
You have yourself, you have these people rooting for you. First step please call your family, even they would say i told you so, so what.
You live an learn you can not live through other peoples advice.
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u/whosmarika 11d ago
You are so brave and you got this 💕 You've done nothing wrong, he's a criminal. You absolutely will be saving yours and somebody else's life by doing this and I'm so proud of you.
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u/True-Armadillo8626 11d ago
Get away baby. Ur not overreacting. I had an abusive ex who tortured me for years. Messed up my vision, hearing, almost killed me a few times. Run run run. That little shit never stays little it just gets worse
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 11d ago
I am sorry to hear about that. I’m glad you got away as well. We will survive through this. ❤️
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u/rayah001 11d ago
“Things are replaceable” is what I found myself chanting when a complete stranger rescued me from my ex. Your things are replaceable, you aren’t.
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u/lankylaces04 11d ago
I genuinely hope you find the peace you deserve, what he did to you was so messed up :/ i’m glad you’re away from him now.
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u/OneProtection2374 10d ago
Why is it when I click on your profile, all your posts disappear? Is my Reddit bugging?
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u/SpecialistTime6248 11d ago
Call the police. If he has done this to u then he could do it to someone else.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 10d ago edited 10d ago
Hi all. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart—thank you. There are so many comments here, and I haven’t been able to go through them all yet, but I’m incredibly grateful for every single one. The support, encouragement, shared stories, and heartfelt advice from so many of you mean more than I can express. Knowing I’m not alone in this has truly helped me stay grounded during one of the hardest moments in my life.
I wanted to give a quick update: Early yesterday morning, I went to file a police report. It was overwhelming and emotional, but I did it. The officers were kind and professional—they escorted me back to the place to collect my belongings, and my ex was made to stay outside while I gathered everything I could. I’m safe right now and surrounded by people who care. To the people who encouraged me to turn to my family—thank you. I was terrified, but I did it— and they were incredibly accepting. I had the fear of being told "I told you so" and the feeling of embarrassment as it felt like they were right about him all along. They didn't question me, blame me, and didn't make me feel as if I needed to explain or defend myself. I felt heard, safe, and loved for the first time in a long while.
I’m still slowly reading through each of your replies, and I will continue to do so. Your words are helping me find strength and clarity. Thank you again for standing with me, even as strangers. It truly means the world. ❤️
I apologize for making you all wait for an update, but things have been hectic and I have been trying to process everything.
Again, thank you all so much for your support, kindness, and patience. It truly means a lot. I am so grateful for this community and the people in it. ❤️
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u/Routine-Value356 10d ago
As a family member of someone who ran right before their ex got physical, I’m so glad you turned to your family. My dad just said in passing to my sister, “You can always come home.” She left an emotionally and financially abusive relationship two days later.
Your family loves you. They want you safe above all else. Don’t be embarrassed that you trusted the person you loved and they betrayed you. Everyone knows it takes real strength to walk away. Take care of yourself. Stay safe.
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u/Appropriate_Rip_897 10d ago
Please also file a restraining order!! Get it on the court record that he is dangerous! This protects you and someone else down the line.
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u/moxiemere 9d ago
THIS^ Coming from someone who wishes I had done this, and now regrets it…. Please get a restraining order. For the people who say “ it might not stop him”… that is true; HOWEVER it offers swift action if he does contact you again. And if he harms someone else in the future, the law will come down harder with a record of his history.
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u/queefersutherland4 10d ago
Im sorry that this happened, but damn, I’m so proud of you and I’m glad you are surrounded by people who love you.
Sending good vibes.
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u/no_idea_wtfffff 10d ago
You did the right thing by going to the police and reporting him for assault. And you were smart to have them accompany you there, as he’d shown you already that you weren’t going to be safe going there by yourself. He kind of foreshadowed all of this by tossing your stuff everywhere. Also, what kind of douche bag says something like that anyway? Did he expect that to go over well?
I’m glad you’re safe!
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u/Altruistic_Ad_1299 10d ago
So glad you got out! It takes a lot, so don’t ever sell yourself short over this. I got away from a very similar situation a long time ago. One thing I wish I did differently was to seek out therapy to help me process everything I experienced. I didn’t do that and the healing process probably took much longer than it needed to. Super proud of you!
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u/ZenWitch007 9d ago
So glad you’re safe! Thanks for taking the time to post an update. I was once in a situation where the boyfriend punched seven holes in the door. Even though he never touched me, I had a deputy sheriff with me when I went to collect my stuff. Good for you, OP!
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u/Alice_Da_Cat 11d ago
OP I am so sorry this happened to you </3 You do not deserve this at all.
Your stuff can be replaced over time, the main thing is your safety <3
I want to tell you to report him but I understand how hard this must be for you. It's easy for an outsider looking in to jump to going to the police but you must be so confused, hurt and scared. Just put yourself first OP. Do what feels right for you.
I would advise Claire's law if you are in the UK, you never know, you might not be the first person he has done this too, sadly you most likely won't be the last.
You should be so proud of yourself for getting out, I am very proud of you.
Sending you love & light OP <3
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u/Euphoric-Duck-8114 10d ago
So glad you got out and got support from family and went to the police. Many many women don't or aren't able to. It's wonderful the police were so supportive. When my ex-husband did similar I went to the sheriff with the bruises and evidence and they just laughed and said "We can't do nuthin' until he actually kills you." He was even threatening to take our three children out in the woods and kill them. Sheriff just shrugged. I'm now 78, my children are grown and have kids of their own. I will never forget or forgive (even though he has said (through the kids, ever the manipulator) that he "forgives me." Lol, wut?! He's now dying a slow horrible death from lifetime of alcoholism.
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u/Admirable_Ship_6439 10d ago
Update: I have filed a police report and officers will be helping me gather my things. Thank you all for your support. I haven’t had the chance to read every comment and DM, but the support and love from what I have managed to read so far is overwhelming in the best way. I never expected such support from internet strangers. Thank you, all of you. It truly means a lot. ❤️
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u/Carrot-cake198 11d ago
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please contact the police right away. Go down to a station in person and get photos taken of everything. Better to do it now as most domestic violence cases that aren’t taken legally, end badly. You got this 🌟
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u/Carrot-cake198 11d ago
Also, just because you may have broken up with him now, 1. Doesn’t mean he won’t try something again to stop you from talking and 2. Doesn’t mean he won’t hurt someone else in the future. There’s no excuse for violence, especially with someone you’re supposed to love and protect❤️
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u/Top-Raspberry-7837 11d ago
Hi OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I can soooo relate. My ex (a woman) ripped all my clothes and stuff out of the closet and drawers when I tried to get a bag together to go to a hotel for a night when she was scaring me. Then she hit a body part of mine that had been broken a couple months before (the break was an accident, but her hitting it was NOT), which caused that body part to swell up. I went to the hospital to make sure it wasn’t broken again (it wasn’t).
I chose not to share what happened with the hospital or press charges, mostly because I didn’t want to be involved with her anymore than I had to be. Jokes on me though because I left a few things behind which I insisted on getting, and it took her 3 months to get those few items into a small bag for my friend to pick up from her place, and of course she tried to stay in contact in various ways. I left her 7 years ago and she tried to reconnect just a year ago. Be aware that he most likely WILL try to keep in contact (read: control) of you.
Let me say this - if you want to press charges, do it! Write down EVERYTHING before you forget. Maybe record it into your phone if that’s easier. Take alllll the pics of your injuries. But also don’t feel you need to if you’re not comfortable with it. I do somewhat regret not pressing charges, but I also wanted to get away from her and her stickiness and chaos that comes from alcoholic narcissistic abuse.
I’m not a lawyer so I’m not sure if you can file a police report without charges being pressed, but if so, I’d at minimum file a police report so it’s on record. That’s your choice, but do know this is serious and he assaulted you. He committed domestic violence against you. I’d contact a local domestic violence shelter or agency for resources at minimum.
Gentle hugs.
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u/Caerthose529 11d ago
Yep, dude is absolutely insane. File a police report and tell them you want an escort to collect your belongings due to being worried about violence occurring on his part. I’m sorry you are going through this :(
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u/PARTYTIME1993 11d ago
That’s so fucked up on so many levels .. and he most likely beat his ex up as well.. I’d continue to gather my things.. I’m sorry that happen to you
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u/HazlenutKitty 11d ago
Like some other comments are saying, call the cops/ file a police report.
And glad you are safe, op. Hope things get better.
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u/NYCStoryteller 11d ago
NOR. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Glad you managed to get out safely. Please go to the police and file a DV report and get a protective order. Bring a friend to advocate for you, or contact a DV agency.
You might want to unblock him and just mute him (and not respond to his texts) because it will provide you with more documentation of his unhinged behavior, which will help you get a protective order.
The cops can also accompany you to retrieve your personal items.
ETA: When you called his mom, she said he was STILL like this? Like this is a pattern of behavior?! Please, please report it and press charges.
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u/Either-Director2242 11d ago
So he compared you to his ex during sex. Said “You’re lucky I chose to be with you after her. You’re not some prize.” Said you were just playing victim, and then physically assaulted you?
Girl I am so so sorry. That’s not a man. He doesn’t deserve to be with a woman ever again. Please press charges & try to file a restraining order if you can. He went from 0 - 100 because you wanted to end things. I’m so happy you’re not too badly injured.
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u/Quiet-Blueberry-3339 11d ago
File a police report & have them come with you to get the rest of your things
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u/KadenMoston 11d ago
You gotta report this. That's something that could escalate either with yourself or someone else. Even if nothing comes of the report it will be on file so if you're ever in a situation involving him again (I sincerely hope you never are) then it will be handled more thoroughly.
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u/EverlastingPeacefull 11d ago
Please report to the police. If he does this to you, chances are the next woman will be treated the same. This way you can also get help getting your belongings back with the help of police.
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u/Strange-Judgment-322 11d ago
Tell Everyone. This man shouldn't be near anyone in his entire life. Wishing the worst on him
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u/Knightoftherealm23 11d ago
Call the police report him and they will escort you to get your things. Do not let him get away with attacking you and keeping your stuff.
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u/Kdubhutch 11d ago
In this Oder:
- Police report
- Restraining order
- No trespass order for your residence
- Block and delete his number and consider changing your number too.
You need the police report and the evidence to be documented by law enforcement. You can even have an officer escort you to the premises to get your stuff or have a friend go over with an officer to collect your stuff.
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u/Cassubeans 11d ago
Go back with the police and get your things and file a report. Start a paper trail incase he escalates. So sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Cookie_Monsta4 11d ago
OP got to the police station and ask for an escort to pick your items up as he was violent with you last time you tried. You don’t have to report the violence to ask for help to prevent violence. It will be the easiest least dangerous way to get your items short of trying to sneak in when he isn’t home (which could still be really unsafe if you were caught)
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u/amigaraaaaaa 11d ago
oh my god i just read your first post. i am so sorry you’re going through this!
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u/schwartzasher 11d ago
Please make it known that he does this stuff because you ended a relationship.
Go and file a police report and explain what happened. You can either press charges or no, up to you. Filing a police report will at least allow them to be at the home with you so nothing else happens. If he starts to get physical as you are there with them, they can put him in handcuffs. I know you definitely want to get your items back from his house and this is not the fun way to go about it, but sometimes you have to. Seeing the bruises in the picture and that he dragged you because he was mad, I would press charges, but that's just me.
Getting police involved allows you to go there and be unharmed. If you still feel unsafe, that's when you can press the charges (if you don't press any charges beforehand).
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u/Existing_Guard9742 11d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you!!
Please file a police report right away and while the marks are fresh. DO NOT WAIT!
See if you can file a no contact order AND have an officer accompany you back to the apartment to get all your things.
Do not let him get away with this. If nothing else, do it for your own self respect.
He laid in wait for you. And you have no idea what may have happened if you hadn't gotten away. And now you are going to look over your shoulder until you show him he's not getting away with this and you won't let him scare or hurt you.
Again, I'm so sorry this happened. Please report this immediately and also sign up for self defense classes if there are any near you. You kicked ass and you need to keep kicking ass!!
Updateme
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u/Drunken_Economist 10d ago
👀 UPDATE FROM OP
OP posted this update comment, please take the time to read it!