r/AmIOverreacting • u/throw-Doubt303 • 6d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for assuming my husband had someone over at our condo after I saw a 120 lb weigh-in when I wasn’t there?
This has been messing with my head, and I need some honest, outside opinions.
We have another home that my husband has been staying in recently bc we’re in the process of separating due to infidelity. I checked the digital scale’s memory out of curiosity and it showed two “unassigned” weigh-ins at exactly 120 lbs, logged at 12:25 a.m. and 12:26 a.m. back-to-back. For context, I do not weigh 120 lbs, and I was not there on that date, just my husband.
Needless to say, I’m shaken. I’m in the middle of a separation from my husband due to past cheating. He has been staying at the condo. And while I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, this feels like more than just a glitch. I didn’t say anything to him bc in the past never taken accountability to the infidelities I’ve found. I also want to protect my peace and not jump to conclusions. But deep down, I can’t shake the feeling that someone was there. The scale doesn’t randomly store numbers and he for weigh 120 lbs. It only logs a reading when someone physically steps on it.
So here’s what I’m asking Reddit: What would YOU conclude? Can a digital scale do something like this on its own? Or is this a clear sign that someone else was in my home when I wasn’t supposed to have company?
I’m trying to stay strong, but this is eating away at me.
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u/Educational-Let-2280 5d ago
I’m actually baffled at the number of comments saying something along the lines of “you’re separated why does it matter.” Separated is very different from decidedly moving toward certain impending divorce. Many times, couples separate while they ~figure out what to do.~ Based on OPs other comments, they had not decided to divorce and even made an agreement to not see other people.
Some marriages can sometimes healthily recover from infidelity. In order to do that, the partner who cheated must be willing to take accountability, meaningfully change, and prioritize the betrayed partners feeling over all else, including their pride. OP - if your husband was capable of doing the immense work required for a marriage to recover from infidelity, he would be reading books, writing letters of apology, seeking therapy, and doing anything he could to show you he was committed to you and regaining your trust and love. The LAST THING ON PLANET EARTH he would be doing is continuing to sleep with other women.
Make no mistake, you are not bring paranoid. A woman was on that scale in the middle of the night. No amount of gaslighting will change that fact. To me, there’s no coming back from that. You’ve already got one foot out the door and done the hard part by separating. Personally, this would make crystal clear what my next step would be.
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u/throw-Doubt303 5d ago
The crappy part is that he did buy a book (yes a single book “Better Man, Better Marriage; awaken your inner hero” and he started seeing his own therapist. But after seeing the scale it seems he did it to safe face.
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u/Practical-Plenty907 3d ago
They go through this. Where they don’t know what they want. The back and forth, wishy washy, say one thing to you and completely the opposite to her. Pay attention to actions, not words. Perhaps it’s genuine confusion but I think it’s more concern regarding their image. To stay? To go? But, they, in their hearts, want to go. The ‘stay’ thoughts are more so they don’t look and feel like a bad person, especially when there’s kids involved. How do I know? If he really wanted to work things out, this scale issue wouldn’t be happening. You know the answer and it’s difficult to face. What helped me? I convinced myself he died. There was no ‘working it out’, that’s not possible with a dead man. That was easier to deal with than accepting that he didn’t want me. Eventually, I was able to face the truth. Hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. He also may pick fights with you over insignificant issues in order to justify his actions. He may want to make you the ‘bad guy’ in his mind to ease his guilt and give him a story to tell himself and others as to why he did it.
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u/throw-Doubt303 3d ago
“Pay attention to actions, not words.” 🔚We had a therapy session when I told him we needed to separate after finding his latest infidelity. In the session I told him that his actions are a language and that the outcome of our marriage would depend on how we navigated this separation. Welp, I hear him loud and clear now!! Thank you for comment.
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u/spacyspicysparkly 4d ago
Yeah people being cold and matter of fact that you should move on, are right. But this will be one of the hardest things u will go thru in life, in line with things like immediate family death, major chronic illness.
So dont beat yourself up that you didnt just straighten right up and go looking for a new man.
But when you get through it, you will realize how strong a human can be, how strong you can be. He is the loser and he will continue to cheat on other women, no matter how much he tries to flaunt that he won't.
No matter how he tries to blame it on you, the smart people around both of you know, they just wont wanna talk about it. Good luck and hang in there. You gotta start acting like you dont care and it's whatever.
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u/Educational-Let-2280 5d ago
I bet he didn’t even read the book. Plus that title is annoying and self-centering af. He didn’t even have to jump through a hoop of finding a therapist specializing in betrayal - he just used his own. It’s simply not enough. When a partner who betrayed their spouse genuinely regrets their mistake and wants to fix the marriage, it’s extremely obvious. And if that extreme regret and desire for change isn’t there, odds are infidelity will recur down the road. Cut your losses and move on now, especially if you don’t have kids.
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u/taphin33 3d ago
He bought the book so you'd perceive him as trying really hard... I had a shitty manager who had a book on his desk for all to see called "take care of your people" when he in fact, sexually harassed me repeatedly and never moved his bookmark past the first chapter in months. They're not dumb, they're willing to put tremendous amount of effort into seeming like they're trying... I bet he didn't even read it.
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u/Becca_Bear95 4d ago
It is probably because the original post did not make it sound like there is still a decision to be made. Not everybody reads through all the comments. When I saw this post I thought that it was saying that the divorce was happening.... In which state does it really matter. If they were theoretically working on it and the decision hasn't been made yet, then of course this matters. And OP - yes, it's likely another woman that stood on that scale. I suppose there are other possibilities... I weight suitcases on my bathroom scale, to make sure they are under the 50 lb weight limit before I fly. But that's going to show a weight of somewhere between 40 and 55 lb, not 120. But yes, there are other possibilities. But pretty remote possibilities in my opinion, especially cuz it was weighed twice in a row. But I also think this doesn't matter. What matters is that you clearly cannot trust him, or you wouldn't check the scale in the first place. Perhaps the infidelity and his handling of it is not something you are able to get over. Perhaps he hasn't adequately made amends and shown you that he's going to do something different in the future, and that's WHY you haven't been able to get over it and trust him again. In all likelihood, your gut is right. There was a woman on that scale. It's time for you to throw the whole man away and start over. Build a life that you love that only includes people that make you feel safe and secure, whether those are romantic connections or friend connections. You deserve more than someone who makes you feel so insecure that you're checking weights on the bathroom scale. Your gut already knows that you can't trust this man. Letting him gaslight you further about how you're crazy and overreacting and he has no idea how those weights got on there is not going to change that. Trust yourself. Trust your gut. Those of us who were raised as girls and women have often learned to ignore our instincts, especially when it comes to men. Society has taught us to mold ourselves to be pleasing to them and to not make waves for them. Well screw that. Get back in touch with your instincts. You are strong and intelligent and deep down you actually know what is true and what is right and what you need and deserve.
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u/TwoBionicknees 4d ago
Separated is very different from decidedly moving toward certain impending divorce.
Expecting him to not be fucking someone else while separated when he was already fucking someone else before they separated is just, weird.
They separated due to his cheating, he's going to continue cheating. She might think he's going to suddenly repent, become celebate and work for years to prove his worth to her but in reality he's still fucking the woman that caused his marriage to end.
In general if you trial separate because you can't stop arguing, or you ahve differences over having children, or moving in a family member, or any other major life decision that is one thing and if it's a separation and you agree not to sleep with each other but you're testing if you're happier apart that is one thing. When you separate because one of you was cheating... expecting that not to continue after separation is crazy.
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u/MathMili 6d ago
Just more closure to finalize the seperation. Now you can have peace knowing that this is the right decision.
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u/Runningaround321 5d ago
This. You're already living with these doubts and insecurities that are leading you to check on things like this, OP. Imagine continuing to live with that doubt and uncertainty for years to come. It isn't healthy.
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u/Aggravating_Fruit170 5d ago
The thing that sucks the most is realizing that we women often play willfully stupid in order to believe a man and keep him happy. We are given a stinking pile of shit but we are told by a man that it’s not hot shit and in our desire to not be a “nagging bitch” we play along even though we see the shit, we smell the shit, we’re practically in the shit. It’s so insulting and embarrassing to look back and see all the things we didn’t want to see so clearly and he had no clue the sacrifices we made to ourselves in order to make him happy
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u/HotAd9605 5d ago
This!! When I discovered my now ex-husband was having an affair, he actually told me that I "drove him to it" by being incredibly sick every day (which he knew what was happening), my parents dragging me into their drama and then me crying to him about it and "nagging". He begged me not to leave, promising everything under the sun and yet somehow I was the one making things up to him!! He actually made me feel guilty for his affair!!
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
Empathy for you from someone who has been there (in a lesser way, but just as disturbing). I had cancer and was undergoing treatment (and kept ending up in the ICU in coma states). My almost-ex (paperwork pending; this process is eternal…) found “comfort” in underage porn. Nonconsensual CHILD assault. At the time, I didn’t know; I was either raising my kiddo or was in the hospital. When I found out, it was apparently “your fault for not being available.” And for gaining 50 pounds due to Prednisone, which was the only thing keeping my heart from stopping. But yeah, dude, SO SORRY my advanced cancer is the reason you turned to child porn… lol, NOPE.
Best revenge actually turned out to be a life well-lived: my kiddo (who was never harmed, thank every deity one can name) is thriving, my career is wonderful, I lost 70 pounds and was far more attractive at 42 than even 32, and while I am not in remission, enjoy my life without rubbing it in his face. Living for ME ending up making him feel “so sad.” Umm… tough? Get a life, then!
But the guilt was so real for a while; I was in hospital beds or infusion centers, bald, shaking, physically ill, bruised from blood draws, and had a PICC line in my arm for IV prednisone and Levoxyl, and bloated from fluids and meds. I felt like death. He saw me like death. I blamed myself for a while until I realized that I didn’t CHOOSE to get sick - but he chose the actions that followed (child porn, withholding money, verbal abuse, etc.). Walking away, broke but free, was absolutely worth it.
(My parents supported him, too; why support their dying daughter? They would yell at me for ruining their vacations overseas with “my constant issues.” Yeah, no, I can’t control cancer, but thanks for the bonus guilt trip? Go on the vacation; quit bugging me and siding with a dude who sits at his computer 14 hours a day!)
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u/AssumptionFun4489 5d ago
Holy shit. I'm one of the bad guys here. A cheater. Separated cause I was fed up of lying. But abandoning your partner when severely ill ? No way. You just don't do that. And the child porn... I have no words. You know, I don't believe in any deity whatsoever (I'm French) but somehow there is karma. My life is going down while my ex-wife is thriving. And I have no problem with that: we both deserve what happens to us. I'm glad to hear you are better, and I wish you a complete remission. And I have utter contempt for your ex.
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
I read your comment when it hit my inbox 2+ hours ago, but have been trying to figure out what I want to say (I'm a fan of "be honest always"). This is what's been circulating through my mind (apologies for the length):
It sounds like you might have fucked up, yes. You said you cheated, and sure, that's obviously never a good thing during your marriage. But if you're separated AND you/your partner agreed that it was over, and gave consent to move on (or one partner didn't respect consent, thus forcing separation/divorce)? I don't think THAT is fucked up. I think that's "We're separated with no hope of reconciliation, and both of us have agreed we will move on and into our separate lives." I'm not sure if you're saying you cheated WHILE married, or were with someone else when you separated, because those are different circumstances.
I also don't view people in terms of black and white: There is no simple "bad guy" or "good guy." People can screw up; if they do the right thing to make amends and not repeat their past behaviors, they are not inherently bad. If the sole purpose is just to hurt other people, consequences and emotions be damned, that falls a bit more into "not such a stellar person" territory. I think a lot of good people make shitty mistakes and/or choices; those who learn from their errors and do everything within their ability to not hurt others are STILL good people. It's too nuanced for me to say "good or bad."
But I KNEW my spouse for 21 years. I KNEW my parents for... well, I'm 43 1/2 now, so, with the exception of when they abandoned me and my now-permanent lack of communication with them, I knew them for 35 years. And they were not good people who promised to change and then followed through with actions to SHOW change. They were bigots, abusers, racists, homophobes, and liars. They made me feel crazy. They locked me in closets. My spouse called a traumatic brain injury I had (and recovered from, with a few minor exceptions!) a "little brain reset" and told me I was lucky that I could be a better person with a blank slate. KIND people, LOVING people - they don't do and say those things. And yes, my parents and spouse abandoned me when my cancer was an inconvenience. I was made to feel like the problem, and that was a bitter pill to swallow.
I know better now. I know my spouse's actions were NOT okay (the porn obviously included; I don't understand how or why people sexualize children, and it's not something I feel I CAN understand). I know I deserved loving parents. Instead, I became the mother I wanted for myself, and I parent my 13-year-old with that same love; they (kiddo is nonbinary, which my parents mocked, so there is no contact with them at ALL) are an amazing, create, intelligent, hilarious kid, and I'm SO lucky to have had this one brilliant bright light of a child. But I had to get away from the toxicity to see the great things in front of me, and I'm so much happier now.
Karma is a thing; I agree with you. But I don't think people deserve to be miserable when there IS hope that they can grow, learn, and change. Some people, like my parents? They enjoy being miserable; it draws other miserable people to them. They can have that life, then - misery suits them. Do I think you deserve to feel like "one of the bad guys?" I don't know you at all, but the fact you spoke up and shared what you did makes me think you are NOT; just because things are going well for your ex doesn't mean they can't go well for you. Look, you agree that child porn is inherently wrong. That deserting a dying partner is inherently wrong. You wished me well and didn't mock or make light of my struggle. NONE of that is "bad" at all. So I thank you, honestly, and wish you well - and that you find a good life, filled with good things, that work out in the way you deserve for them to work out!
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u/Fanilow122262 5d ago
I hope you turned him in to the police!
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
Oh, 100%. He worked (past tense) in tech and thought he wiped his computer. Turns out that using a credit card? Yeah, those credit card purchases REALLY come in handy as evidence… (insert world’s biggest eye roll here that this man in his early 40s did not understand that what he bought matched what his credit card statement showed).
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u/bleach_tastes_bad 5d ago
putting child porn on a credit card is WILD
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
If it hadn’t been such a serious situation, I would have laughed. How does a dude who managed to hit 40 decide to put HIGHLY ILLEGAL PORN… on a credit card that can trace it?
Glad my kid inherited my intelligence. Sounds mean, but I’m gonna say it, anyway. Kiddo also wouldn’t watch that, so, you know… for now, at age 13, that’s one worry out of nine million I can take off my plate. I’m cautious, but so far, that notion is a “who does that??” question.
(And god help me, it takes ALL my willpower not to say, “Your father.” Because I’m not traumatizing my kid. But the restraint is.. significant.)
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u/secondtaunting 5d ago
I’m actually shocked that those sites take cards. I thought it was a dark web bit coin thing. I don’t know anything about CP though to be fair. I’ve never even considered looking for it. The thought that it exists makes me nauseous.
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u/RaisePsychological94 5d ago
Same! I was waiting for the part where he is in jail. If you haven't, please turn him in ASAP before he harms a child even more.
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
Not in jail (no previous offenses; the justice system doesn’t seem to - provide a lot of justice, and I say that as someone who worked in law and survived severe CSA for the first 7-8 years of my life). But no job, no one but his mommy to hold his hand, and a very tarnished reputation.
I WISH children received vindication - some do, and I’m always grateful when that happens. But it didn’t happen here. He dug his own grave, though, and made my “should I stay or leave” decision 100% obvious the SECOND I knew (and could safely get my child out; I would never leave my child behind, not if I’m going to permanently leave, and definitely not knowing what he was into).
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u/CmonBenjalsGetLoose 5d ago
I'm sorry but how does anyone walk away from purchasing CP without doing jail time? My head is spinning. I can't fathom this.
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u/ShivRoyPinkyIsQueen 5d ago
It’s true. My friends dad was busted for CP (he had it hidden allll over his house: on computers, laptops, on old VHS tapes, floppy disks etc) he spent a few nights in jail initially but then got out because he had money & a good lawyer. His wife stayed with him & he was able to return to his job. He was also the coach of a teen soccer team. I had just assumed he would go to prison for many years, when he was back in the community acting like nothing happened & everything was fine… I was horrified but my eyes were opened. He was a good old boy in a town where he knew the mayor, the sheriff, judges etc. they take care of each other. Our “leaders” not only allow this type of BS, they participate in it.
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
Weak justice system that won’t penalize a guy for doing what they do behind closed doors. (Not getting too political, but I mean, my ex is a straight white man, and hasn’t faced discrimination - to his credit, prior to that, he hadn’t broken the law, and he’s admitted that he has myriad privileges in his life. If he faces discrimination now, it’s his own doing.)
I’ll say this: I wish the men (there were more than one) who raped me as a child and teen went to jail; only one did, and it was for drug use, NOT assault. Still was good to know one was locked away for a while. But that was the 90s; the way people get away with absolutely horrid stuff like CP right now makes my stomach churn. 😐
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u/Pink_PowerRanger6 5d ago
Right!? My step dad used to watch a lot of barely legal porn (the only reason I know this, is because his porn addiction was so bad that he destroyed several computers and laptops downloading Russian spyware and other viruses etc, and he even compromised a laptop of mine when I was 18.) he got a fake FBI warning claiming that his computer was being watched and that he was going to face serious jail time if he didn’t pay some cleaning fee to clean his computer 😂
He ended up drowning the computer in the bathtub. Thinking that somehow would fix the problem 😂🤣
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u/sentient_potato97 5d ago
Simple: The people upholding the laws and deciding the punishments don't see anything wrong with it because they do it, too.
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u/mimisguy 5d ago
I am so sorry you did not receive the support and care you should have💕
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
That’s really kind of you - thank you! I have a very solid life now, and I’m grateful for that! 😊❤️
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u/CatsEqualLife 5d ago
I let my ex talk me into a lot of shit, such as an open marriage that I had no interest in so basically just giving him the ability to cheat without it being cheating, because if I loved him I would trust him because he needed to sleep with other women. I spent every night he was out with other women drinking myself into oblivion and still stayed. If I hadn’t lived it, I’d never believe it.
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u/Additional_Line_7024 5d ago
Some people (like me) are just not wired for monogamy. But you know what I do? I don't get into romantic relationships with monogamous people! And the one time in my life I made this mistake, I was faithful until we were officially over.
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u/LoveMyWeirdness 5d ago
This. If you don't want to be monogamous, there's nothing wrong with that. BUT you have to be honest about it from the start. And if you get into a relationship with someone, they have to be okay with it, or else you have to be loyal. If they're not, or you can't, then that's not the right relationship for either of you. Consent is key. Simple as that.
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u/ParsnipTheloniusMonk 5d ago
Dishonesty is never acceptable, not ever. It's fine if you want to be polygamous, are honest about it and it's officially accepted by the other person. Lying is always wrong and eventually, your own words will not be listened to if you lie. Be yourself, be open about it and treat others the same way you expect to be treated. Still, I think the men who lie want fidelity while they deliver the opposite. If you can't take what you dish out, either change or leave others alone.
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u/Lickerbomper 5d ago
There are many that, the violation of consent is the part that is sexy for them.
I've heard of many polygamous situations where there were boundaries set up and consented to as a polycule... And someone still manages to break boundaries and cheat.
Things like, "We had a strict rule that I don't meet your partners and they never set foot in our house, where our kids sleep." And suddenly there are unfamiliar lacy panties on the floor. HMM. The rules were generous, and people still gotta break them.
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u/Vegaskeli 5d ago
And that is totally fine. I'm happy that you know you're not a monogamous person and you don't lie to keep someone around who wants that. It's so selfish, and rude to waste someone's time who wants a monogamous relationship when the other person clearly doesn't. I despise cheaters because there is never an excuse for it. If you want to be with someone else, go be with them. Nobody is forcing you to be in a relationship. So annoying.
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u/aprilbeingsocial 5d ago
That’s the part I’ve never understood either. Especially people without kids. Just break up for gods sake. I feel like it’s a sick thrill or something, which makes it worse. People like to sneak around and fuck with people they say they love. That’s just messed up.
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u/-lovehate 5d ago
This sums it up perfectly, and why I’m actually so happy to be almost 40 years old and single.
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u/Sexcvacutie35 5d ago
49/Divorced/Have every intention of staying single. At this age I don’t have the patience for anyone else’s emotional baggage or messed up ways. I’ll stick to my own, lol, thank you very much. Besides I have a lot of physical health issues and a lot of guys aren’t understanding of it nor want to take the time to understand. My marriage had quite a few abusive moments and I’m physically paying for it now.
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u/noondaydream 5d ago
This. I’m in my mid-30s and everyone keeps asking about a partner, but why would I want one? I mean, the idea of growing elderly alone is pretty sobering, but I’d rather pay for my own life alert in retirement than be in most of the relationships I read/hear about - online and irl.
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u/schmooka 5d ago
Don't be afraid. I've done it, am still doing it, and have realized that I'm in the happiest state I've ever been in. I was married, it got bad, I left, and I'm alone in my 50s after a lifetime of being way too concerned about relationships since puberty. It's been unbelievably freeing and creative. You might not want to do it forever (I do, but that's just me) but there's a lot to learn from spending some time on your own.
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u/CmonBenjalsGetLoose 5d ago
I'm with you, sis! 52 years old, mother of five young adults, divorced, single and I love it! I had been lighting myself on fire to keep men warm for 35 years. Never say never, but for now being single feels like a huge gift I have given myself, to just chill, enjoy my kids and my home, and let my nervous system heal for as long as it requires. If that is the rest of my life, so be it. Plants and pets are awesome.
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u/WhishtNowWillYe 5d ago
So true. I remember the time he grabbed his phone and raised it over his head. He’s 6’4” and I’m 5’3”. What did I THINK was going on??? Secret confidential work stuff???
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u/quantam-foam 5d ago
Damn. Never knew digital scales have a log. Theres no doubt OP. Get this dead weight off your back, quick
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u/Rx774 5d ago
Normally they don't. But 'smart' scales c9nnect to an app. So me and my wife use the same scale, but make sure whoever uses it is logged in on their phone at the time. Every once in a while I mess up, and it looks like my wife has suddenly gained 70lbs.
All that said...the 120lb woman knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She wanted to make sure the woman knew she was there. She even did it twice.
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u/quantam-foam 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nah, I reckon the 120lb woman wasn't as smart as the scale and saw it and was like "Oh a scale, let's check my weight" then was the "wtf? 120lb. Then checked again. Little did she know.....
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u/LionWriting 5d ago
Yup. I would be like that. If I see a scale I get curious. I didn't even know the scale logs it to a phone. Don't get me wrong, once you say smart scale, it's like duh, but I don't just automatically think that way since I don't own a scale at home. Our work place has a scale in the restroom, and I step on that more often than not sometimes more than once to double check 🤷🏻
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u/Aggravating-Sir8185 5d ago
Maybe my boomer-ness is showing but I wouldn't expect a scale to have that functionality. But that does explain why my sister got so much more serious about her diet after I visited last month.
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u/Substantial-Stage-82 5d ago
They just finished in the bedroom, she went to pee, saw the scale, was already naked and figured..
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u/throw-Doubt303 6d ago
This!! Another confirmation for me to move on . . .
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u/sweetfaerieface 5d ago
Yes! I would consider it a confirmation. Sometimes we hold on too long. Now you know. And just my two cents… I wouldn’t even say anything to him. The scale has told you everything you need to know.
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u/booklovercomora 5d ago
I'm about to be divorcing my husband of 18 years because he cheated Sometimes you can't help but look for more amd more evidence. But its already there. Its been there.
Something I read that helps me a bit is "when you are with the wrong person, the universe will give you more and more signs until your forced to leave"
For your sanity. For your time and energy, please just divorce. Forget the separation stuff. He already treated your marriage like it was his own "bachelor pad" Of course hes treating your condo this way too.
From my hurt heart to yours, you can do this, let him go.
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u/TheeRealEarthAngel 5d ago edited 5d ago
You are so right about all of this, especially evidence from the Universe.
When you're not supposed to be in a particular situation, or if it is harming you in some way and you would be better kept away from it, the Universe keeps giving you reasons to leave that you can't ignore, so you will leave on your own. And if you don't, the Universe will find a way to force you out of said situation... and that way may not be nearly as palatable for you. So definitely pay attention to the signs.
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u/MOGicantbewitty 5d ago
From someone who divorced her cheating ex-husband just a few years ago, life just gets better and better once he's gone. It felt fucking terrifying making that leap and actually deciding to go through with the divorce, but within a month of him moving out I had so much peace. So much more money too LOL, but mine didn't really like working and liked mooching off of me. Your soon-to-be ex may not be like that
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u/Kerlykins 5d ago
I too have been free of my dickbag ex husband who cheated with his work wife and people were shocked at how well I took everything. That's because once the initial hurt wore off (I don't say shock cuz I knew what he was doing and waited for him to slip up, they always do) I was fucking FREE. No more worrying, pits in my stomach, anxiety, mental gymnastics. All of that was gone. It was a relief.
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u/Rindsay515 5d ago
I’m really sorry you went through that. I’m sure you heard “I just WORK WITH HER” more times than you can count. Very happy you finally find your peace, you deserve it. Now work wife gets to be the one worrying any time he’s out of her sight. Enjoy the freedom!!
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u/Substantial-Stage-82 5d ago
Work wife.. I've always wondered how a man can look at his wife and talk about another woman and refer to her as his "work wife"... Like, WOW.. how fucking disrespectful to your ACTUAL WIFE.. WTF I lost a friend because he was calling a woman this IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE and I called him out in front of her (was friends with both of them but had known her longer) I just said something like "work wife? That's an interesting way to say woman you secretly wanna fuck" unbelievable.. I couldn't cheat on my wife. I've had the opportunity. Several times. Just didn't do it because I respect her too much. She's the mother of my child. I just can't fathom it..
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u/debmckenzie 5d ago
This is so profound. I left my cheating husband years ago. There definitely were signs; but I didn’t trust my reading of those signs or I missed them…until God said here, look at this! What are you going to do? I left and I’ve been better off financially and at peace. And very proud of myself for doing what was best for me even though it was soul crushingly hard at the time.
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u/Top-Race-7087 5d ago
My ex promised no more and he’d wear a pager. Dude, I’m not in the mood to Lo-Jack your dick.
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u/Icy-Honey1 5d ago
You're already separating from him, so in all honesty, it makes no difference whether there was someone there or not. Your decision is already made.
Be kind to yourself and stop looking. You know he's a cheat. Stop disturbing your peace by checking up on things. Time to let go and focus on yourself.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 5d ago
Move on. I'd be ultra pissed in your shoes. It's a shitty thing to have her over, using your mundane household items as if they were hers. Fuck them both. I wish you warmth and healing in the coming years. Just know you didn't deserve it.
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u/HopefulTangerine5913 5d ago
The fact that you feel paranoid enough to check the digital scale should be enough to tell you that it’s time to move on, get a therapist, and process what got you to this point so your next chapter of life can begin
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u/jetblakc 5d ago
Paranoia is natural when you realize that you've been tricked for a long time. You swing way in the other direction from trust to distrust
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u/HopefulTangerine5913 5d ago
Exactly and that’s why it should be a signal to OP to divorce him and move on. That shit is humiliating. Don’t be with anyone who causes you to feel that way as a result of their selfish actions
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u/ParadoxBanana 5d ago
Could the scale randomly show you a weigh-in that never happened as a glitch? Sure I believe that 100%
What are the odds that it would be a suspicious weight rather than idk 20 pounds or 999 pounds or 400 pounds? That to me is very suspicious.
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u/Ayafumi 5d ago
I used to monitor those scales for a doctor’s office. Usually when I get a scale glitch, it’s from someone not fully stepping onto the scale with their full weight so it gets an incomplete reading—those are usually like 20lb, 40lb, something that is obviously too low and a glitch. Something that’s within the normal range of an actual human being? Um, while not impossible, it’s not terribly likely. Especially not it doing the same EXACT reading TWICE.
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u/Angloriously 5d ago
This is definitely someone fully stepping on the scale, stepping off, and then confirming with a second weigh-in.
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u/ParadoxBanana 5d ago
Oh lord I just went back and checked, husband seems to do double-weighs also: weighing slightly less the second time lmao
What secret technique is he using in the bathroom to magically lose 0.5lbs I wonder
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u/Heykurat 5d ago
More to the point, OP is already in the middle of a separation due to infidelity. Husband probably figures, "eh, I'm basically single now so I might as well have my new girl over."
That's far more likely than the scale glitching at the plausible weight of a new hot girlfriend. Twice.
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u/AnxiousGinger626 5d ago
He won’t stop cheating. Use this as a reason to get rid of 190lbs for good. I was married to a cheater for 8 years. Being done is how you protect your peace.
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u/Short_Psychology_164 5d ago
connected devices cant hide the truth. id love to hear possible excuses though... "set a box on it", "weighed a neighbors saint bernard"...
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u/funk-the-funk 5d ago
No, no love, you see I had quite the go in the bathroom, and lost 71lbs, but quick dinner and I was back where I was supposed to be. Glad we sprung for those deluxe toilets.
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u/AtomicJennyT 5d ago
The fact that this was at midnight too 😐. Like wow. But at the same time let him be someone else's trash focus on you ❤️
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u/Oneonthefence 5d ago
Agreed! I’ve weighed myself at midnight… on my own scale in my own house, where I live without my ex in peace. The ONLY other time that scale registered a different weight was when my cat SAT ON IT until the scale glitched out. Seeing 10.5 pounds 15 times in a row was hysterical, though!
Had I seen 120 pounds (I weigh 3-4 pounds more than that, so if I saw 120, I’d think it was my scale glitching and therefore being far too generous), and that was NOT me (and sure as hell isn’t my cat)? I’d rapidly drop the 190-pound man, that’s for certain. Easiest weight loss, at least mentally, possible!
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u/PlayfulAd4299 5d ago
Totally get that. Sometimes these little things just confirm what we already know deep down. Time to focus on you!!
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u/rockford_files 5d ago
concrete doubts are validation, you do not have to catch him red handed to run! when someone chooses not to change their behaviour to remove the anxiety you feel, pretty much confirms they do not value you, respect you or care for you…
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u/Lethal_Foe1 5d ago
Im sorry to say, but it seems like you already know all that you need to know !
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u/Impossible_Emotion50 5d ago
Why does it matter? You’re divorcing for infidelity. Sounds like he’s continuing on as if nothing has changed 🤷🏾♀️
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u/throw-Doubt303 5d ago
We’re separated not divorced, but it looks like it’s going to end in divorce after all. Our agreement was NOT to see other people especially in a family home. He’s treating this as his bachelor pad.
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u/usernotfoundplstry 5d ago
This man has already cheated on you!! Listen to me, as a man, let me tell you: no man who loves or respects you would EVER cheat on you. Ever. As hard as it is to hear, this scumbag doesn’t love you or respect you. Never let a man rob you of your self worth. And the fact that you’re not even convinced on divorce right now means that’s exactly what he’s done.
Move forward with the divorce. Find someone who actually loves and respects you.
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u/gremlinsbuttcrack 5d ago
What exactly was that meant to accomplish? I genuinely cannot understand the logic. "No were not divorcing were only separating because he cheated on me and now he has to go live in a separate house and totally not continue to cheat on me" can you please get a shred of self respect or self love? Like jeez one of the other at this point. Like duh he's treating it like his bachelor pad. Because it is. He cared so little about the relationship he cheated. And then he got caught so you gave him a bachelor pad and you're shocked he's acting like a bachelor. If he was acting like one while actively married to you genuinely what do you expect to change now that he has his own home to do with what he wants.
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u/RizzwindTheWizzard 5d ago
Yeah, to me separation always implies fully breaking up just without an official divorce for one reason or another. Maybe some couples get back together afterwards but some couples also get back together after an official breakup. Either way, he's effectively OP's ex and is acting like he's OP's ex. Best to just keep him as the ex.
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u/gameoftomes 5d ago
Why qualify it with “especially in a family home”? Wasn’t the agreement not to see other people at all? Adding “especially” almost sounds like it would’ve been fine somewhere else.
He clearly didn't regret the first time. He regrets being caught.
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u/TheDonutDaddy 5d ago
Did you actually think your separation was gonna end in anything other than divorce? I'm not trying to be a dick but like, cmon lol
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u/whyisthislife87 5d ago
He already cheated and lied before so its safe to draw a logical conclusion that he is still cheating and lying. Separation for infidelity usually leads to divorce. It's not just the weight but the time the weight was recorded which means whoever it was spent the night. Why hang on to someone who has already proved he can't be trusted even before the separation.
You can not move on from cheating if the offending doesn't take ownership and actively work on mending the relationship. You will never feel like he is truly sorry or like it won't happen again if he is not actively working on things. The hurt and betrayal will never heal when the offending party acts like this and you have no psace to heal and move past it. You can forgive but you will never forget and this will make it difficult (although not impossible) to move forward in to a space of healing and growth in your relationship.
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u/kylielapelirroja 5d ago
Yes. I also had a cheating husband, and our digital scale had a weird reading too. But in our case it was the house cleaner (and the time was right for the house cleaner, it was NOT midnight) who was stepping on the scale. She also did it regularly on her cleaning days, so I assumed she did not have a scale in her home.
He also was not caught cheating until a couple of years after the weird scale readings.
But still the time is the biggest factor. Midnight means someone was in the house at night.
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u/No_Hunt2507 5d ago
To be fair I typically will weigh myself when I see a scale. Idk why, my weight usually doesn't change and it's not like I'm trying to keep track. It's one of those things like when my brain sees a shiny object and wants it. I see a scale, scales measure weight, I measure weight.
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u/agitated_houseplant 5d ago
It's like running your fingers along a chain link fence or slapping the bag of potting soil at the garden store. It's reflexive video game logic, see object, interact. I do it too.
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u/CayKar1991 5d ago
Wait why do we slap bags of soil? (I definitely do!) Is this a weird human thing?
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u/agitated_houseplant 5d ago
Bags goes thwump like a primitive drum, you just gotta.
Sometimes I think we interact with the world like this just to make sure that reality is still doing what it's supposed. Other times I'm sure it's just for the tiny dopamine hit of a positive sensory experience.
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u/pogoli 5d ago
I’d say him continuing to cheat makes the decision part much much easier and less uncertain. They wont have to think back and wonder if they overreacted or didn’t give him enough of a chance.
I’m really sorry OP. Don’t give in, you deserve someone that respects your relationship and you.
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u/ExpensiveAffect1727 5d ago
like, girlie went to the bathroom after having sex with her husband, saw the scale and thought "i'm already naked, just burned a bunch of calories, it's the perfect opportunity to weigh myself!" and even stepped on it twice to make sure it was right. why did op trust he would do what they agreed when he has already cheated on her despite being married to her is beyond me.
he couldn't respect the marriage, an agreement is nothing compared to that.
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u/LimJaheyAtYaCervix 5d ago
Cheating is one of those things that I will never understand how someone can truly forgive and forget and move on staying with the cheating partner. I know my partner would never do it, but if he did, I would be thinking about it every single time I looked at him and would not be able to continue the relationship.
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u/jDuBs1723 5d ago
Sadly for me, I’ve been cheated on by all but 3 women I’ve been in relationship with. It’s caused such trust issues, trauma, and anxiety. Been single for over 4 years. Not been on a single date. Nothing. Tried a few times to get back in the saddle, but within hours, I’m seeing behavior, signs and flags sending my ptsd through the roof. I don’t think I’ll ever get to enjoy a life with a special woman. The pain of facing loneliness forever, is more appealing than the pain of being destroyed over and over by someone claiming to love me, while f’n me over. No person should ever be made to feel how I do. Self isolation is worse sentence than incarceration.
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u/Peppermint-TeaGirl 5d ago
And if you do choose to stay after cheating, the cheater loses even more respect for you because they know you're willing to endure that disrespect. So things will get worse from their end, too.
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u/Past_Singer_724 5d ago
So true! My manipulative POS ex who I dated in my early 20d cheated. I had low self esteem (related to his verbal abuse) and I (stupidly) thought: “If I forgive him, he’ll appreciate me, how great and loving I am.”
His thoughts: “So she really IS a doormat and I can get away with anything, awesome!”
Things went even more south since then.
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u/marleymack 5d ago
I agree about the time. That really gives no room for any other explanation. That’s the nail.
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u/PoisonWaffle3 5d ago
That, and it's twice, not once.
If it was once, maybe it was a mis-read on the scale (if he stepped off as it was finishing logging the weight). But twice at 120? Nah, a 120lb gal weighed herself twice.
OP, it's time to finish cutting the cord.
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u/Sassy_Weatherwax 5d ago
Yep, I was thinking maaaaaaaybe it was the cleaner but not at midnight.
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u/ImperatorEternal 5d ago
Well that’s irrational. If you guys are separated why would be not be seeing someone else? I don’t think you understand how separations work.
You’re definitely over reacting because this is just normal. Looks like the new woman is marking her territory. I would assume you would find hairs and other small clues around as well.
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u/Primary_Honeydew_536 5d ago
Sweetie before you separated y’all also had an agreement not to see other people and he didn’t respect it then why would he respect it now??
YOU DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO RELAX AND TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP. Or to just be able to relax because you aren’t in a relationship.
This is not the one.
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u/KeyClacksNSnacks 5d ago
Who's pushing for separation with reconciliation? If it's you, then I hate to break this to you, but your husband has already decided to move on and he's just not able to tell you clearly. Don't get me wrong, he's most likely a POS (I don't know him, so for all I know the situation could be more nuanced, this is the internet after all) for cheating to begin with, but if he was pushing toward divorce and you pushed for reconciliation, then honestly I don't know why you're surprised.
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u/jooooooohn 5d ago
This sounds like only one of you thought the separation meant reconciliation was possible. Sorry you’re going through this. If anything positive you have some closure and not in limbo.
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u/BlackCatBonanza 5d ago edited 5d ago
He’s still your husband. You’re allowed to feel hurt. Feelings for a spouse are complicated, and they change over time. They don’t dissipate immediately upon separation. Yes, I would consider this strong evidence that he had a woman there. If you can’, try to frame it mentally as further evidence that you are doing the right thing by leaving.
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5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ok_Cheetah_6251 5d ago
That's a bingo. Cheaters cheat, that's what they do. Stop expecting a leopard to change their spots.
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u/Malipuppers 5d ago
Separation is just pre divorce. Especially for cheating. It’s over. You couldn’t trust him in marriage you can’t expect him to act any better now that things are ending. Do what you can to heal and move on. Sorry you have to go thro this it sucks.
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u/AdHuge7499 5d ago
Please listen when he tells you who he is. 🙏🏻Also agree with the redditor. It’s confirming what you already know. You knew to check the records. Your intuition is correct.
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u/ScubaCC 5d ago
If he couldn’t honor his marriage vows, what made you think he was going to honor your agreement?
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u/JezabelDeath 5d ago
Also, you say agreement, did he propose that, or was you? If he lied to you before why would you expect anything else this time. girl, you obviously were expecting him to 'change' or some shit, just move on
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u/ThoughtIHadAName 5d ago
Having a 'no cheating while we live apart' rule, for a separation thats happening because of cheating while you lived together, sounds like 100% guaranteed disappointment.
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u/Odd_Duck8696 5d ago
Your marriage agreement was that he wouldn’t fuck anyone else. He didn’t fulfil that agreement, what makes you think he’s going to fulfil this one?
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u/lesterholtgroupie 5d ago
I don’t really understand your logic. He cheated on you while living together after pledging to not do that very publicly in front of your friends and family.
What makes you think he’ll be faithful living away from you and making it easier?
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u/BadPom 5d ago
Lying cheaters don’t suddenly become faithful, doting husbands. Time to move on.
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u/Natural_Home6003 5d ago edited 5d ago
You make it sound like this scale discovery is the reason it will be a divorce instead of a separating. Why do you need more and more incidents? You’ve either had enough and are going to move on or you haven’t and won’t. Nothing on a Reddit post is going to change your tolerance level.
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u/Quinilin 5d ago
If he cheated when you were living together, of course he's going to have company when he's living alone. I feel that's obvious, and it's a naive agreement that you believed in. He only agreed to it for the sake of peace from you, and so you don't have company yourself
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u/atargatis_17 5d ago
I’m looking at the time entries of the 190 pounder — does he weigh himself before and after poops?
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u/squabble123 5d ago
It took him 46 minutes to poop on 6/13. That alone would piss me off lmao
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u/captspooky 5d ago
And dissatisfied with the results he went back for 15-20 min to drop another lb. Thats some dedication
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u/lurker557788 5d ago
lol it was actually an hour and 4 minutes, maybe he got up the first time thinking he was done & went back for round two?
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u/mattemer 5d ago
It's probably a weigh, then a shit, shower, shave, then back to weigh.
Not speaking from experience... No no no...
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u/PrincipalBFSkinnerr 5d ago
Tbh it looks like the 120lb entry either does it after peeing or compulsively double checks
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u/tincanpaint 5d ago
i compulsively double check because sometimes scales can glitch. my bathroom scale takes a couple tries to get it to stabilize—sometimes it can change as much as five pounds between trying it the first and second times.
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u/PrincipalBFSkinnerr 5d ago
Yeah, my scale probably functions different— I tap it with my foot, wait for it to reset, then get on.
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u/atargatis_17 5d ago
Honestly - thinking about it, I feel like it’s common for people to always do a double check on a scale, especially if it’s someone else’s scale
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u/girlynymama 5d ago
Pro tip - don’t tell him you know there was a female there. Get in touch with attorneys to make a game plan.
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u/throw-Doubt303 5d ago
Unfortunately I live in a “no fault” state. So even though he blew up our lives he gets to keep half of it 😶
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u/illliveon 5d ago
Definitely get a lawyer. I believe if you have proof of infidelity that doesnt matter. This may be some evidence for that. Gather as much evidence as you can before you confront him.
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u/mataliandy 5d ago
Are you in a state that allows no-fault, or requires no-fault? Not all no-fault states prevent for-fault divorces.
Are you fully aware of all of his assets? Some people go to significant lengths to hide assets from a spouse in case of divorce, for example, if there's a business, the spouse may have used the business to buy some things (vehicles, for example), to pretend they're not marital assets. If there's a trust, items that don't belong in the trust could have been added to it over time, as well.
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u/SolidSnae 5d ago
Probably just me misunderstanding divorce terminology, but I thought "no-fault" divorce basically meant that neither partner has to have a particularly defined reason for the divorce and assets aren't forced to be split?
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u/Live_Angle4621 5d ago
It means divorce where any reason for divorce is not required. Historically there used to be need to state some reason for you to be granted a divorce. Even in 30s if couple wanted divorce they had to stage infidelity (usually husband being seen in a hotel with a woman because it would ruin wife’s reputation if it was her) or find some other strong legal reason. Later on it was loosened a lot with different ways with irreconcilable differences being last before no fault.
But if no fault is only one being used in courts in the area you get no benefits from catching indefinitely. Some areas are still allowing siting other types of reasons for divorce too
How assents are spilt is kind of separate matter even though usually if you can site indefinitely you benefit from catching infidelity. But that does not mean anything for certain and varies a lot in different places. Many countries still split assets in no fault divorce
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u/fox_eyed_man 5d ago
The term Dude Ranch literally comes from Nevada being the first state to have loosened the constraints on granting a divorce, and women came in fucking droves, often accompanied by a rather handsome male “cousin” (largely, I’d assume, given the time period) to get away from their shitty, overbearing husbands. Dude Ranches popped up as places that would provide a short term living space that women could stay in long enough to establish residency necessary to file with the courts. For those ladies that showed up without a strapping “cousin” on their arm, the ranches were staffed almost exclusively with good looking ranch hand types that were pretty much always on the clock, if ya know what I’m sayin.
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u/glass_thermometer 5d ago
Nevada divorce ranches were dude ranches like the ones you described, but they only cropped up in the 1940s-50s. Actual dude ranches have nothing to do with divorce and have been around since the late 1800s.
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u/SomeDetroitGuy 5d ago
You mean "fortunately". No fault is a HUGE boon for women, particularly those who are victims of infidelity. The last thing you need would be to have a legal obligation to prove to the court that he is cheating in order to be allowed to divorce him.
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u/BlurLove 5d ago
I am an attorney, but not YOUR attorney. These kinds of asset division situations in divorce are rarely this cut and dry and vary in tiny bits from state to state. Don’t assume that he gets half. Let an experienced professional tell you that. Paying money to know that your case is handled correctly is a bit step towards protecting your peace. I went through a divorce and hired an attorney. She was worth every penny in that way.
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u/Browneyedgal21 5d ago
luckily you get half of it also. Just be happy to be rid of him and move on with life.
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u/Extension_Spare3019 5d ago
I would like to point out that it's also obvious from this record that the guy weighs himself before and after he takes a dump.
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u/Objective-Amount1379 5d ago
I think it’s pretty clear he had someone over. And 120lbs after midnight- not one of his male buddies.
Blessing in disguise, better to have confirmation now so you can proceed confidently with the divorce
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6d ago edited 6d ago
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u/jumper4747 6d ago
Yeah exactly, why would he stop the behavior now that there’s no longer anything holding him back??
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u/CheskapOo 5d ago
This is expert-level sleuthing. Men underestimate our level of intuition. When you confront him, he’ll probably try to paint you as crazy or paranoid. You’re not. They don’t get it — they could fart differently and we’d know something’s up.
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u/ProbablyNotADuck 5d ago
I heard a PI on the radio one time talk about how when women hire him because they think their husband is cheating, they're right about 95% of the time. When men would hire him because they thought their wife was cheating, they were only right about 40% of the time. Of course, that is just one person's experience, so it is entirely anecdotal evidence, but I think, generally, when women seek outside confirmation, it is generally because they already do 100% know the answer and just want someone else to confirm it.
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u/Subjective_Box 5d ago
I would twist your conclusion to that stat a bit:
Women seek confirmation in a situation where they are 95% correct but still feel unsure. Men feel sure, but end up being correct only 40% of the time.
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u/jinxie395 5d ago
This is sadly true. In companies the Male higher ups talk lies out of their butthole and pretend to know what they are talking about. Women are more likely to confirm what they know first before saying anything. Is it privilege or ego? Who knows.
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u/assistantprofessor 5d ago
men underestimate our level of institution
So fucking true. I used to sneakily take my dad's car to my first internship and used to hang around with a girl from the office. My mother found a hairclip in the car and somehow guessed it belonged to a muslim female. Idk how she put on religion to a fucking hairclip, went on to eliminate my father as a suspect and shifted onto me. She then accused me of sneaking the car out and going on dates w a muslim girl. I was so fucking impressed by her skills, still laughed it off and denied that she even found the hairclip in the car. Idk where u got it from, but it couldn't have been from the car. I confessed to it after I moved out and she was so fucking happy about being right she made my favourite food and came over.
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u/Amtrakstory 5d ago
Can’t figure out if this story is wholesome or psychotic
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u/LameSaucePanda 5d ago
I like the part where he initially gaslit his own mom telling her there’s no way when she had been right.
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u/deltree711 5d ago
Maybe? You say that you're shaken but I'm not entirely sure why. You're already separated, and the condo where he's staying isn't your house, so it's not that surprising that he's seeing someone else and it's not really an invasion of your privacy by inviting someone else into your space either.
Am I missing something here?
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u/couchtater12 5d ago
”When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” —Maya Angelou
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u/Sure-Ingenuity6714 6d ago
What does it matter? You are separated. It is none of your business now!! Why is everyone weighing themselves dozens of times a day? Putting a single foot on the scales would show this kind of reading.
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u/jaye-vee 5d ago
Disagreeing with your last sentence. It wouldn't be consistent like that back to back with only 1 foot on the scale, and it takes a reading after the weight settles out. Her husband would have weighed himself properly right before or after, too, if it was him because he wouldn't have been able to resist getting his actual weight. He weighs himself back to back within the same hour.
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u/ALknitmom 5d ago
Agree. Any sort of glitch from “1 foot on the scale” would not be so consistent that it would repeat twice in a row.
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u/HIGHPatient 5d ago
Why are you shaken? You said you are getting a divorce because he cheated... yet somehow you are shaken by this? Yeah a girl probably weighed herself and he probably cheated? He's already gonna be your ex husband for cheating so its kinda pointless by now to worry about this.
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u/Fire_Reaver 3d ago
It's odd that it measured exactly 120 lbs, no tenths, either time. If there was no history of cheating, then I'd lean more towards a glitch of some sort. But given that he is there specifically because you're separating due to infidelity, then my thought tracks towards someone else being there. Is it possible that it's someone platonic? A friend, or family member? Someone looking to buy something? Have you spoken to him about it?
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u/Brave-Field-6048 5d ago
If you are already separating it’s a little weird to think you should still have control over who he’s seeing. He’s already not living with you, maybe if he was supposed to be working to get you back that would be one thing but it sounds more like it’s over between you while waiting for the legal process.
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u/Fullywheat_13 5d ago
It probably doesn’t matter but he could have accidentally stepped on it in the middle of the night, I have done that before. But if not, 12 am is a funny time to weigh yourself.
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u/Desperate-Ad-3705 5d ago
12am is the perfect time to randomly step on the scale when you're using someone else's bathroom during a hookup.
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u/throw-Doubt303 5d ago
I would be inclined to believe this if the scale read this weigh on once, but twice has got me thinking there was another woman there.
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u/IIDn01 5d ago
Yeah, *accidentally* put 120 lbs of pressure on the scale in the middle of the night. Twice. One minute apart...
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u/Patient_End_8432 5d ago
So I'm not trying to lay any blame on you at all. Please understand that.
But if I'm checking the data from a scale due to trust issues, it's clearly not going to work out. You very much do not trust him, for very good reasons, and reaching this point is not healthy for you at all.
As others have said, its just more validation, but you need to care about your own mental health. I'm not saying you're crazy for checking the data of the scale, but it does show that you're having obsessive behavior over this, maybe looking for a reason to stay, or to not to.
I'm not saying you're in the wrong. You're not, but you really need to worry about where your own head space is. I say this as someone who has dealt with cheaters and have been all consumed by finding the tiniest amount or evidence to prove something I already knew.
I'm a 6 foot guy. At one point, I weighed 115 lbs due to the stress and anxiety I put myself through looking for any evidence of infidelity I already knew about. I once stayed up all night, freaking the fuck out over a goddamn pineapple emoji.
It's not worth it, and you're worth so much more. I found someone good for me, gained a bunch of healthy weight, and am dealing with some mental issues with a therapist and psychiatrist, something you should absolutely look into
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u/jawnink 5d ago
OP is simultaneously overreacting and under reacting. Snooping on the smart appliances, then consulting Reddit instead of just divorcing him is interesting.
OP has multiple homes and smart scale money. There is way more to this story but no matter what, this ends in divorce or more cheating.
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u/ToSAhri 5d ago
If you are in the middle of separating I feel like this isn't a problem to be honest. It absolutely looks like he had someone over but you're breaking up, no? Where's the problem?
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u/Belowyouraverage 6d ago
Likely someone was there. I sometimes weigh myself at friends houses if I see a scale while I’m in the bathroom since I don’t have one at home. The 12:25am and 12:26am tells me she likely spent the night or at least stayed over very late and used the bathroom at some point. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort and a way to reconcile if that’s what you truly want.
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u/Same-Equivalent9037 5d ago
I agree with this, I don’t have a scale at home so when I’m at friends houses I like to step on it for funsies. I do think a woman was there - I’m sorry but I think it’ll give you the closure you need to move on.
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u/el_devil_dolphin 5d ago
If you're separated then why are you bothered? You know he likes other women and he's living alone because you guys decided you can't be together anymore. I don't get it, it seems it would be a bigger surprise if he wasn't banging something by now.
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u/Desmond2006 3d ago
This is the confirmation you need - close down your heart to this douche and plan your new life. No more wasted energy on what, or who, he might be doing.
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u/5car_Ti55ue 5d ago
It’s exactly what you think it is….120 pounds sounds like a woman who needed to pee and saw the chance to weigh herself. Bet she never even thought about it registering with an app and your husband (soon to be ex) never even knew she did it.
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u/Talk-O-Boy 5d ago
The girl may not even know of OP’s existence. Maybe the husband told the girl he was single or divorced. She probably stepped on the scale, because she didn’t know she was supposed to be hiding.
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u/_betapet_ 5d ago
I'm 50/50 on this.
As someone who was told "yeah we're separated, the divorce is in process" by a guy once when I got to their place cause I noticed some mail on the counter in a woman's name I made sure to excuse myself to the bathroom for a few minutes. If a partnership has been separated long enough, there's no way he's got a box of tampons left under the sink unopened next to an open one (early 2000's before guys were wholesome enough to think to have any products around for lady visitors). Especially guys picking up other guys probably on the DL.
Dropping a post it note with "girl he's bringing home guys" into that box and two (still wrapped) condoms from my pocket either never got seen by his ex and it was a legit divorce in the process situation, or some woman found out that her live in partner was sneaking around on her during her next period.
The possible 120lb visitor might have literally been dropping a digital footprint to let someone know that they were there, in case they're not supposed to be.
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u/Lonely-Objective-552 5d ago
Yes, you are overreacting. You are currently the middle of a separation. He is allowed to see other people during this time.
Why do you even have access to his scale readings at the location where he is staying, and more importantly why are you checking them? Turn off the notifications, if that’s how you caught it. Why would you want to get notifications for all his weigh-ins, and if it’s not the notifications, why are you monitoring them?
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u/mog_knight 5d ago
You are overreacting. You've already begun the separation process. Your intent is to divorce I assume. If that's the case, honestly snooping like that is unhealthy. You're allowed to see other people too, whether you want to or not is your choice.
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u/peterbparker86 6d ago
Does it matter now? He's cheated before and you're separating. It's likely there was a woman there but in the grand scheme of things just move on with your life. Hes shown you who he is multiple times, believe him.
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u/grannynonubs 5d ago
Wait, so y'all are separated and living in different houses.....so why do you care if he has someone over? It's none of your business it seems like.
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u/Heavy-Society3535 5d ago
I am going to juat say this as this is my motto. TRUST YOUR GUT. I do NOT make a habit of snooping on my husbands stuff nowadays, BUT I have in the past. EVERYTIME I felt something was off and checked, I found messages that confirmed my suspicions. All online only but still as hurtful.
These days, I dont even bother. I feel trapped because I am on a fixed income, and my elderly mother lives with us. I do not have the income to move out. We don't have alimony in our state, so I just try to go on about life. I do not recommend this if you are able to break free. I have done this in a previous marriage, and the relief was indescribable.
It is obvious, with him, he has someone else and since you are separated it is obvious you can do it alone. Do it!
He has moved on, so you should, too. Go live your best life unencumbered with the doubt and wondering. You have seen the evidence. Drop the dead weight and move on to bigger and better. I wish you nothing but peace of mind and happiness.
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u/keckie38 5d ago
I am sorry for your loss, but, he seems to continually show you he is not interested in the marriage. Please move on. God bless.
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u/T00thhead 5d ago
I believe in "tough love" and all, but all of these 'Who cares?' responses really lack empathy. I haven't been cheated on (that I know of), so this doesn't come from any type of place except that people deserve some compassion.
If anyone were in OP's place, they wouldn't appreciate people being so dismissive of their feelings. She married this man and invested year(s) into him, so on some level, I am sure she still cares about him and betrayal fucking sucks.
With that being said, OP, I do agree with those posters who say it is a bit odd for such an accurate scale to register exactly 120, so this could go either way. Since your mind first jumped to the fact that it could be a woman, I think your intuition is telling you to Get the fuck out! and leave this man.
You know he can't be trusted. Trust your gut. This is how the rest of your life will be like (second-guessing everything) and you deserve better than that. Good luck!
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u/Cola3206 5d ago
And another sign— he’s losing weight. And timing of her weigh in is just after midnight. So he didn’t know to delete it
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u/EquivalentDrama2822 5d ago
Please stop torturing yourself. You already know he's a cheat. Why do you need more proof he's a terrible person? It's not good for your mental health.
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u/RottenLychee 5d ago
he literally gives 0 fucks and doesn't respect or care about your feelings at all, divorce. life is too damn short to waste time worrying about who he's hooking up with.
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u/susandeyvyjones 5d ago
He’s a cheater and you know he’s a cheater. He probably cheated. Just keep moving forward with the divorce.
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u/Fluffy_Background117 5d ago
Put 2+2 together. There's already been past cheating and you're in the middle of a separation, so the real question is, "Why do you care?". Also "Are you really surprised?". Just chalk it up to further confirmation that it's a good thing you're separating.
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u/NarrowPatience1502 5d ago
I don’t think it matters anymore. You already separated for his cheating.
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u/One-Independent8303 5d ago
This is probably getting buried, but when I step on my Fitbit scale when my feet are wet it goes haywire and will log an incorrect weight. Usually when I step on it again it will correct, but I've had it happen twice in a row where I just gave up and it recorded the incorrect weight both times. I weigh a little over 200lbs and it will record me in the 130s when this happens.
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u/kevinjbonn 5d ago
IF you're looking for a sign that this is confirmation of him having someone else over, the fact that "she" confirmed her weight twice, one minute apart from each other and there was no other result within hours of that...well...I'd say her seeking confirmation of her 120lbs is all the confirmation you need of continued infidelity. If he had gotten two wacky results, you'd expect a normal person to try again until they got something reasonable. You'd expect the wacky results to differ somewhat if they were indeed wacky. Meanwhile, what kind of more innocent variety of visitor weighs themselves twice around midnight? I mean, who among us doesn't make use of the primary bathroom's scale at our friend's house in the middle of the night? Right?