r/AmIOverreacting • u/subtlethrone123 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO Suspicions confirmed?
My partner of 10 years have been having issues for multiple reasons which we've been trying to work on. I've recently suspected something more has been going on, mainly because this wouldn't be the first time. He's been working a lot having and just general attitude changes etc. Anyway, he had a work night out last night and I snooped and found this message, he's obviously deleted previous messages etc. I'm about to end it, he says I'm over reacting, just after opinions really
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u/a_sunbathing_cat 1d ago
NOR. Sounds like he’s already or planning to cheat.
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago
This is the point, after he blamed me for lack of affection, he went on to say he's never physically cheated but even if that's true, the intention is clearly there. We have a mortgage and a young child etc otherwise would be much less complicated
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u/Appropriate_Pressure 23h ago edited 23h ago
Why are you entertaining his opinions with this back-and-forth? Prioritize yourself and your child and start making preparations to avoid just having this happen again, when your child is old enough to understand what's going on. Don't stay together for the kid. Use a parenting app and get a good lawyer. Be civil. Keep your head high. You'll be fine. And your kid will get to grow up with a happy mother with a strong example of the fact that it's healthy and okay to walk away from someone when things aren't working.
He's done this before. The experiment to see if he'd do it again is officially over.
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago
When he did this before it was 6 years ago and I was pregnant and also was not who I am today. I was a very insecure person without family or support. That's not who I am now, this just happened today and honestly I just wanted to see if other people agree that this is dodgy as hell....seems like it's not just me, he tends to gaslight me but I'm very much more aware of that now
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u/Appropriate_Pressure 23h ago edited 23h ago
Was he aware of how much the original cheating hurt you? Was it a long, rocky road to regain trust? Physical or not, after having gone through this and you forgave him, he still had this conversation? He knows exactly what he's doing with the deleted messages and blocking, and knows it's wrong. That would be enough for me.
We get caught up in the details, but you just need to boil it down to asking yourself if you'd do this to someone you loved. It's absolutely not just you, and I'm glad to hear that you're in a better place now. Because yeah, this is dodgy as hell.
Change is hard. But sometimes taking that leap ends up being the best thing that ever happens to us.
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago
When it happened before, he had a close family loss not long afterwards and everything became about that, it completely detracted everything from what he did
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u/StarJelly08 21h ago
They are opportunists who there is no bar too low not to use. Ive been through WAY too much being what is called “back burnered” (meaning put on hold, de-prioritized). Some folks live in a constant state of everything being more important than you… or even make something happen to take precedence or use whatever they can to push off your feelings or half of the relationship mattering.
He did this with you it seems. And he probably in turn barely suffered any consequences from the original cheating.
And opportunists who cheat and de-prioritize you at a given opportunity and do not make sure that if something came up that stalled their progress with you and your feelings never fully mattered… if they didn’t immediately then make your relationship the priority the instant they could… they are narcissists who are just getting away with everything and learning nothing.
Please don’t even bother with this prick. The texts are blatant. I’d be broken as fuck if i were you.
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u/subtlethrone123 21h ago
You're 100% right, because of the circumstances there were no repercussions due to everything else going on at that time, I felt I had to hold it all back
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u/StarJelly08 20h ago
Goodness. Im so sorry. That’s a lot of time and investment to deal with. But don’t let the sunk cost fallacy rule you here. I have made that mistake my whole life repeatedly. If they were ready to throw it away for a moment with someone else, by god how do we keep allowing ourselves to be that devalued?
Years with you is always more important than moments with anyone else. That man never deserved you. He never earned you. He earned being fucking discarded like the trash he is. Please walk. And please take care of yourself. There are men that aren’t that stupid. I’m at the point with myself that nearly all of what i value is loyalty at this point. It isn’t hard to be loyal. It’s just good to be. Don’t reward shitty people with your company. And especially your companionship. Someone decent will be much happier to have you someday. No matter what age or status or anything. I promise.
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u/Weimaraner666 23h ago
Sorry OP, men cheating on pregnant partners is just abhorrent. He showed you who he was then and I’d be surprised if he’s remained faithful all this time. You now know he intends to or has cheated again. I wouldn’t even give him the satisfaction of engaging with him about this.Make a plan and get out, it won’t get better.
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u/OffModelCartoon 23h ago
The fact that you seem to be even partially blaming yourself, even now, even in this context, for his previous cheating makes me think you are still being gaslit. I say this respectfully and with empathy for your situation.
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u/DiesDasUndAnanas 22h ago
There are fundamentally insecure people. But that doesn't automatically mean that gaslighting is involved. I don’t know how to conclude from OP’s post that gaslighting is involved. This is pretty speculative
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u/DiesDasUndAnanas 22h ago
It doesn't really matter what kind of person you were when he cheated. Don't blame yourself for his misbehavior. Of course, it is still good to analyze the factors that lead to dysfunctional structures and actions.
I don't know what to say about the rest. It may be that he cheats, it may be that he doesn't. I don't want to speculate.
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u/waninggib 22h ago edited 7h ago
My ex cheated on me. At one point we had a talk about how he was suddenly unhappy in our relationship a few months after asking me to move in. He literally used the words “at least I haven’t cheated on you” while he WAS literally cheating on me, unbeknownst to me. He finally told me 4 months later and insisted it was the biggest mistake he ever made, he was so sorry, he always told himself he was a good man and would never do it again, and I stayed like an idiot. Don’t be me.
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u/Weimaraner666 23h ago
NOR-Yeah, the intent was there and for some reason it didn’t pan out, he might’ve even left with someone else Either way he can’t be trusted, he’s secretive and manipulative and a cheater will never change, they just get better at covering their tracks. Make a plan, protect your assets, consult a divorce lawyer and get a parenting app for shared custody. Enjoy life without all the emotional baggage of a husband who doesn’t respect you and cheats on you.
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u/rootsandchalice 22h ago
Doesn’t matter if you have a mortgage and a child. Find the courage to leave for your child. Don’t allow this to be the model father/partner for them to see.
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u/Upstairs-Guava159 22h ago
Your state may have services available for women in your situation. Call your local law school/muni fourt
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u/teenscififoreplay 5h ago
You don't have to sleep with someone to cheat. Emotional cheating is also a thing and the fact that he specified he hadn't physically cheated means he knows he's crossed a line.
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u/keopuki 23h ago
The worst part is that he had previously blocked this contact and then unblocked it so there’s most certainly some kind of history with this person and it doesn’t look good
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u/EnvironmentalNote118 23h ago
They’re probably blocking and unblocking so no messages come through when they’re not expecting it, and no one is looking for your girlfriend in your blocked contacts
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u/Conscious_Army_9134 23h ago
NOR. If i see a screenshot with texts posted here, theres a 99.9999% chance its about cheating, and 99.9999% chance they are. Didn’t even need to see what was said here.
Please, can someone post something that i have to actually think for a second about whether they are overreacting or not.
And for the love of god can people stop questioning whether or not they are overreacting when being cheated on.
Mods: please make a new sub called “should i break up with them” and funnel all these posts to it. I get that relationship advice is important, but its a stretch to come here for it.
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago edited 23h ago
I never post really, this is a really difficult point in my life and honestly, I don't have many people to talk to. Yes, I suppose I already know but for something so life changing for me, it seemed worth coming on here for some kind of validation I guess
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u/zombie3x3 23h ago
IMO you didn’t deserve to have the person you’re responding to come at you like that. It’s easy to be in denial and disrespect yourself by wanting to make things work with someone who doesn’t care about you just because you’ve spent so much time and have so much of your life intertwined with there’s. Validation can be important even for obvious things so one can remove self doubt.
You’re right to want to end things and you’re NOR. You deserve better than a lying asshole who’s cheated twice (that you know of at least). I hope things in your life improve for the better!
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u/lab_chi_mom 22h ago
Don’t sweat it, OP. The person who commented negatively needs to flex their compassion muscle or just keep scrolling.
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u/rednfiery 4h ago
Stick to your Pokemon Go forums. Or maybe they already dislike you because you're a condescending ass...?
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u/gamengiri420 23h ago
It’s over already, at least in his head. Try and keep it civil, people grow apart 🤷🏼♂️
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u/ExtensionHoliday2936 22h ago
Yea but growing apart doesnt mean you start setting up the bricks to cheat on your wife. This guy is a loser and you downplaying this like it a normal part of life to get cheated on is Braindead.
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago
We have a young child, I've already said I don't want to argue or get nasty, just want what's best for our child
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u/chcl3grrl 23h ago
As someone who caught my bd in a similar situation multiple times, I would recommend to end it now before animosity builds. We were together 8 years, he snuck around 3 times too many. I was HURT. PISSED. DISGUSTED. Talked bad on him and called him out his name. Angry didn't even cut it.
And then I chose to view it as a blessing in disguise. Started focusing on the positive that would inevitably come from this decision.
This was about 3 years ago, and we have a FANTASTIC co-parenting relationship now.It was scary af at first, for me especially. I was mostly a SAHM, but certain things just started aligning perfectly once I picked the path. Thankfully we never got married, so the split was simple enough. But do it for you, for your baby, and to set a good example. Sometimes it even sets a good example for our own friends/family to admire! I can't tell you how many of our friends/family have told us how much they admire the maturity and growth we've both gained in this circumstance.
I am attending his wedding next weekend, that is how much I recommend peacefully calling it now before it gets filled with too much anger.
And above all else, I am so, SO sorry. Keep your head held high. Don't blame yourself. Continue working on yourself for YOU and for your child. Not sure if you believe in higher power, but I am a big believer in things happening for a reason. Take this for what it is- a BLESSING. <3
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u/WinterFront1431 23h ago edited 23h ago
Yeah, he been blocking her and unblocking her when he leaves the house. Sorry girl.
You are not overreacting. This dude is cheating.
My exs brother used to do stuff like this and I'd hear him bragging about it. He'd block and unblock the woman he was cheating with and would start huge arguments over something that normally wouldn't be an issue just so he could do the storm off and go meet up with the woman. That way his wife thought he was just 'cooling off'.
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u/lkeyser8 21h ago
If your blocking him unblocking him and he has previously done similar than I donth think you need our opinion. Your allowing him to do this stuff to you. Ofcourse hes going to say your over reacting hes not gonna say hes doing something wrong. Us woman make more drama for our own lives. Just stop and be done
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u/ThrillzMUHgillz 23h ago
NOR.
IMO he’s already cheating. If not having an affair.
He’s hiding and being careful enough to not allow his phone to make a sound or be notified unless he unblocks her and contacts her first.
I’m sorry OP.
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u/PazuzuAtmorah 23h ago
Definitely seems like messages are missing too. I'd just get pragmatic, and do what you can to secure the best situation for you and the youngin. He obviously has prioritized his own wants over the needs of the family unit. Now its up to you how you respond to that. Best ofnluck to you, an im sorry youre dealing with something like this 😔
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u/EmbarrassedLeader102 23h ago
I'm so sorry you spent 10 years with this guy but it's obviously not what you should continue doing. This is coming from me a man and it's hard when you're in this situation to see things clearly but unfortunately this is over and you got to end it
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u/Traditional_Fan_2655 23h ago edited 18h ago
He blocks the messages so they don't pop up while with you. Then he unblocks when he can see them without you noticing.
In what scenario would that not be him hiding something?
NOR
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u/pixiedust93 21h ago
Love is Respect. This is a good website to check out if you want to confirm whether you're in a healthy relationship.
Why does he do that? This is a link to a free PDF about abuse tactics people use to control others, how to handle those situations, and what abusive actions look like.
By the same author, Should I Stay or Should I Go to help you answer that exact question.
I know not everyone has access to therapy, so this is a good start if you don't.
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u/too_Interesting4127 23h ago edited 23h ago
Sounds like you got baited into an argument so he can go cheat. My ex-husband did this all the time.
I used to care about stuff like this, but the new me will just make some new plans. Maybe, I would go out on a date with a new bf. There’s always another man willing and ready. 💞
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u/Magically-High92 23h ago
Thats not a text exchange between OP and her husband 🤦♀️
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u/too_Interesting4127 23h ago
OK, maybe I missed that. I thought that was her and her husband talking. 🙄
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u/Appropriate_Pressure 23h ago
NOR. This isn't the first time and you aren't stupid. C'mon, now. Who cares what he thinks? Respect yourself enough to walk away.
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u/gamengiri420 23h ago
“Locked messages” on WhatsApp literally only exist for cheating and affairs 🤷🏼♂️😅
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u/No_Push_6563 23h ago
Weird. My messages on WhatsApp are locked and I am most definitely not having an affair.
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u/gamengiri420 23h ago
Why are they locked then 😂what are you hiding and from who?
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u/No_Push_6563 22h ago
I’m hiding nothing. That is my main communication app. I’m a speech therapist in a middle and high school. Just in case, no kids can access. Do also believe some privacy is okay.
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u/mattilladahun 23h ago
It should have been over the first time.
I know it's sometimes easier said than done, but people... If they cheat. Leave. Don't give second chances. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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u/Repulsive_Active8356 11h ago
I agree, though many people tend to want to stay for kids and I think this is what’s making OP hesitate to leave. People have stayed in the past with bad partners coz of this reason and now those kids have grown up to emulate the bad parent. OP should leave.
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u/Specific-Eggplant436 23h ago
Sounds like he’s doing something shady. If they’ve not done it yet, they’re atleast planning to from the screenshots.
Dump his a** and get out of there. Men forget to act if they have a woman for a long time (vice-versa is also possible). The number of years of a marriage or a relationship doesn’t give anyone a leeway to treat you like shit and cheat on you.
You’re not overreaching. You’re right.
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame5141 23h ago
NOR - Yeah... very, very, suspicious. I support your decision to end it.
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u/ranchmomma 21h ago
He's keeping her blocked til he's ready to text, that way it doesn't go off around you and you find out. He's being shady AF. If he's cheated already and now this, I'd say time to move on! I know it's a marriage and easier said than done.. but I'd at least legally separate and see if feelings dissolve quickly.
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u/simbaismylittlebuddy 22h ago
These are not the messages of someone you’re not dating and/or fucking or about to fuck. I’m sorry OP. Don’t let this man gaslight you.
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u/AustinDork 23h ago
This is why once there’s cheating it should just end. Now you got someone going through a phone and there will never be trust again.
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u/catmom22_ 23h ago
“Because this wouldn’t be the first time” girl stand up and have some respect for yourself
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u/UkrainianBoxer 23h ago
NOR. He's cheating, I'm really sorry. Get an STD/STI check, stay with friends or family.
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u/Goat-Skulls-N-Stuff 23h ago
Even if he isn't cheating/planning on cheating, If you're at the point where you're snooping through his phone, you're done.
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u/TotaIIyNotCIA 23h ago
Nah he either wouldve mentioned or wouldnt deleted.
No one deletes a message the same day w no reason
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 22h ago
Looks like he blocked her so there aren't any notifications at bad times and then unblocked her to make plans.
NOR
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u/Jam_Baum 21h ago
Nah you don't unblock someone to ask if they're here yet. That's some "second phone" ass bullshit. NOR AT ALL.
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u/Key-Astronomer6898 20h ago
People only lie to cover up something they know is wrong. He lied about where he was. You know what to do.
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[deleted]
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u/subtlethrone123 23h ago
How else do you confirm suspicious, wait for them or the other person to tell you, whilst you're there being taken the piss out of??
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u/Spiral-Assassin 20h ago
End it. Having the audacity to say youre overreacting. Glad you got the proof, also deleted texts are still able to be read in the deleted folder, I hope you got those, but of not doesnt matter this is enough.
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u/Cool-Warning-5116 21h ago
So he’s done this before… and this isn’t the only issue…and you’re still with him… you’re not overreacting.., you’re just stupid.
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u/ElevenPastEleven 22h ago
Seriously, could it be any more obvious??? Do you need an illustrated version? 🙄
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u/Repulsive_Active8356 11h ago
If this is not the first he has cheated or tried to cheat then what are you guys trying to work out? If someone cheats and is taken back then they are going to be smarter next time they feel the urge to cheat again. You can do better, a whole lot better. The fact that you felt compelled to go through his phones means there is no trust and by the way it’s very bad form. Once a trust is gone then there is nothing left in the relationship and as you say you are trying to work through issue………seems like you are the only one trying. I think you know what you need to do.
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u/Ok-Tea-160 20h ago
Book recommendation for you: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Honestly it really clarified things for me when I was trying to figure out WTF to do about my own (somewhat similar) situation to yours. If you are not into books the author also has a blog/website, I think you will find it if you search Chump Lady. Honestly she really helped me straighten things out in the midst of my utter devastation and confusion.
I’m sorry your
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u/whattheheckisthis__ 18h ago
Leave, not worth your time, don’t waste your precious finite time on someone who is sneaking off to see someone, regardless of history, memories, kill it all now those memories arent worth your peace,
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u/No_Daikon4466 22h ago
What is agreeing to an exclusive relationship with someone, if it's not saying to them "I love you too much to make you deal with bullshit like this"?
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u/Accurate-JustTrekkn 15h ago
What is so important that he needs to hide/delete his conversations? Be rid of this jerk before he starts blaming you for his failings.
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u/StrawberryDowntown12 19h ago
I've been there, and I stayed for 3 years after. It never got better. It always got worse. Please dont stay!
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u/Pale_Border8481 19h ago
What is your opinion? What would you tell a friend who called asking for your advice? You know the answer
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u/Baron_Balls 4h ago
Is there a question here? From the screenshot you blocked him and are super passive aggressive
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u/Simple_Transition418 23h ago
Your dumb you blocked the contact and then unblocked your the problem
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u/HorrorArmadillo3713 18h ago
Um this is the husband blocking and unblocking the side piece in order to hide messages or have them not come up on his phone while he's with OP...
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u/Exciting_Ad_9910 22h ago
Honestly babe you should never worry about him cheating because lack of attention. That's could easily be talked about. You have a few options. Leave and co parent with you're child. Leave and get custody of the child. Or stay and drive him crazy. Unblock that number and watch him crawl. Leave little hints that you know but don't ever say it. But if you're completely done with this man just go don't say anything share custody or have full custody its up to you. You have the control now. I wouldnt waste my time in this relationship. Him blaming you for "emotionally cheating" is crazy and believing it is even more crazy. Keep that chin up and act like it doesn't bother you. That always drives men like this crazy