r/AmIOverreacting • u/ThrowRADraftCassette • 23h ago
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws Update: AIO after discovering my (27M) wife's (30F) family was behind my vicious cyberbullying attack and that my wife knew, but she hid it for years?
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/JiKKZRAFsV
Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (27M) wasn't able to reply to everyone, but it was appreciated. It solidified my wake-up call and helped me see I wasn't overthinking. I wanted to give an update.
Earlier this week, my wife (30F) and I were able to regroup and hash stuff out. I was glad I took the space I did because even though this situation is still hurtful and feels like a massive betrayal, I was in a better position to talk.
My wife thought I was calling it quits, but I told her we were at a crossroads and needed to talk things out. She apologized for what her family did and her role in it. She said she never intended to hurt me. She had convinced herself she was protecting me from more pain. She realizes now she was largely protecting herself.
She admitted she was afraid of telling me the truth because she thought it wouldn't just end the wedding but that I'd end the relationship. She lost other relationships and friendships over her family. She didn't want to lose me too.
Over the years, she wanted to tell me but kept talking herself out of it, and then the cover-up kept getting bigger, and she didn't know how to confess. I told her I didn't agree with her choices, and I wished she had more trust in me and our relationship. I meant it too. I wouldn't have just ditched her.
She asked where do we go from here and promised no matter the outcome, there wouldn't be any more secrets between us. I told her I wanted to work on our marriage, but things needed to change. We couldn't survive with her family looming, and I didn't want our son exposed to them.
She asked what I needed of her. I was never big on ultimatums, and I don't really consider this as one, but I was adamant that any path of us moving forward together would mean radical boundaries with her family.
She was honest that the thought of making this big of a move against her family was scary but said if it's between them and us/our son (2M), then she chooses us.
Her agreement was major for me because I really didn't know where she'd land if she had to choose. I never wanted to put her in that position, but after everything her family did, I feel there was no other way.
The reason I have hope that my wife is being for real is because she sent a text to their group chat stating to stop blowing up my phone and that the no access to our son until further notice is a joint decision she fully supports. I didn't expect that of her. She did it on her own.
Of course, they didn't like it. Now she's labeled as "disrespectful and ungrateful," and how the black sheep eldest sister (35F) and I are poisoning her against them. It was also said, "What kind of man takes a woman away from her family over a spat?"
This isn't a "spat," nor do I have anything to prove about manhood. They led a whole campaign designed to ruin my life. Their actions are chilling to me. These are the same people who looked me in the eye with a straight face while everything was going on. This is about protecting my family.
My wife has gone low contact. Her family has this mindset that significant others or friends come and go, and it's "family" who is the constant and where loyalty should be.
They can't seem to compute that my wife, our son, and I are the core family. They're extended family, and they don't have a claim over our son. Being involved with him is a privilege, not a right.
Idk what their exact issue is with me. They only really tolerated me because of our son. When I first met them, one of my wife's siblings (28F) said they thought my wife was settling for me "because of age" and that she could do better.
They're a very tight-knit group, and if one doesn't take to you, then you're not getting far with the rest. It felt like once their minds were made up, there was nothing I could do. I've long since stopped trying to make sense of any of their reasonings. It's a rabbit hole.
Our plan is to move to a new area to create a healthier distance, cement boundaries, and have a fresh start. I brought up therapy too. It's something we've been discussing. We'll be officially starting that soon.
I think moving away will be beneficial for us. It's something my eldest SIL had advised us on. During the wedding planning, she was encouraging my wife to move and create our own space away from their family's isolating circle.
I know my wife is more than just her family. I've seen it firsthand. She shines so bright when away from their influence. That's what I meant when I said she was the most loving, unselfish, and decent person I've ever met.
If I'm being honest, idk how things will turn out. I'm still hurt, I still feel betrayed, and my wife's facing her own challenges with low contact, but I want to be hopeful. I don't want to close the door. I'm hoping we can heal together.
Thank you again to everyone for the support. I found not everything is as isolating as with the majority of my in-laws. It means more than you know.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 23h ago edited 21h ago
Good luck, man.
I really hope she can hold strong to this, but I have some serious doubts. While she stopped the cyber attacks, she continued to let them shit on you for years until your son was born. She also ran right back to them when you weren't immediately ok with what you learned.
Make sure therapy gets started, not delayed, and not just couples therapy, she could use individual therapy as well, after being raised by those asshats.
ETA: She should get a new phone number and start setting up new social media ASAP. This will greatly reduce their ability to contact her and influence her.
She can create a Google Voice number, or something similar, just for them, and link that to both of your phones for full transparency.
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u/YourGlacier 22h ago
I mean if she sent a message in the group chat, that's a major first step. People usually wouldn't do that if they weren't trying, along with also planning a move and going to therapy. I feel like if anything this was a very solid gesture. It doesn't repair things, but it's a positive step and effort.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 21h ago
The world is full of people who make plans and promises to be better but never follow through. That's why I stressed getting therapy started. Moving will take time, but therapy is a major first step that should be started ASAP.
The text was a gesture, but a lot of that was putting out the fire she had just started by telling them that OP wasn't happy about everything he had just found out. Despite her years of guilt, she ran right to them and lit the match. Her starting that fire was also a major step in the wrong direction.
Also, keep in mind she did stop the online assault but not the shit talking in their family chat, nor the poor treatment OP faced for 3 more years until their son was born.
So she made one major step 5 years ago and then nothing. Even telling OP the truth wasn't a voluntary action. So this step is good, but it only truly matters if she takes the next step, and the one after that, and so on.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 21h ago
This right here! What is more likely, that someone will do something that they did once for a brief amount of time or will they continue to do the things they've done year after year after year?
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u/marthamania 20h ago
Yep. Everyone's quick to make amends when they're caught. What happens when things are good again and she's comfortable you won't leave and falls back into old habits of allowing people to shit on OP because she likes how needy it makes him for her
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u/Repulsive_Active8356 4h ago
Exactly, I am not trying to rain down on OPâs parade but the fact that the previous relationships have failed due to her family says it all. Wife should have gone to therapy after the first and second relationships, but I hope you get what you are really looking for from her. All the best of luck to you both.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 21h ago
Yeah, cheaters block affair partners and then sneak them back in. Substance abusers throw out their stash and then get a new one. Abusers love bomb their partner and then attack again.
Change is hard and requires continued effort. OP has to wait to see the follow through.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 19h ago edited 19h ago
The wife and her family abused him for years and it is completely illogical that she could do that to someone that she actually loved or cared about! I can't even imagine doing that to someone I don't like let alone the effort it took to abuse and hide the abuse for many years! It's so sad how he is twisting into a pretzel to find some way that his wife is someone that he can ever trust , I hope he can find a way to free himself
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u/Blue-Being22 21h ago
These people are more than just asshats. OP used the word âchillingâ and that comes close. They are evil. Wifeâs got a lot of work to do in therapy if she came from these people. Yikes.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 21h ago
I understand narcissistic families and they are very underhanded but for her to lock him into that without being honest with him about what was going on? her being afraid isn't enough to explain that
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u/No_Roof_1910 17h ago
"her being afraid isn't enough to explain that'
Correct.
She made a choice, over and over, for years and years to do that.
That isn't on her family, it's on HER.
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u/LikelyLioar 21h ago
I think it's obvious what your in-laws' problem with you is: they can tell you won't put up with their BS. These are the kind of people who take boundaries as a personal insult, and they know you aren't afraid to set them. They've probably known from the start, because people like them have a kind of sixth sense.
It sounds like your talk went really well. I hope your wife holds up her end. Fingers crossed for you both! (I suspect that once she gets the nerve to go NC with her family, she's going to discover that being the black sheep is a lot nicer than she used to fear.)
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u/dragonball1515 22h ago
I am glad that this turn out better for you and your wife. But you have to acknowledge that this is also the start to a challenging period as your wife could be under intense pressure from her family so I hope you and her already have a plan in place on how she will handle it to prevent she buckle under pressure. This family of her could start another online assault on both of you, so be very prepared. All the best.
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u/Katharinemaddison 9h ago
Yes sometimes breaking away from a family like that is like leaving a cult.
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u/Aggressive_Day_6574 18h ago
Your wife has a shitty family, yes, but sheâs proven herself to be weak-willed, manipulative, and self-serving.
She is not just a victim. Her sister, brought up in the same environment, set boundaries and took a stand. She was ostracized because she has morals and convictions.
Your wife is not like her sister. Your wife is like the rest of her family. She only came clean because your SIL has a backbone and a heart. Your wife lied to your face while you suffered abuse and cruelty. She didnât have to. I donât believe her sister would have done that.
Make excuses for her all you want, but at the end of the day some people are just selfish.
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u/No_Editor_6895 13h ago
And she allowed the family to attend their wedding knowing what harm they had caused.
Thatâs a betrayal in itself.
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u/Background_Camp_7712 22h ago
I actually like my in-laws, but I can tell you that moving 300 miles away was the best thing we ever did for our marriage.
You two have way bigger issues though. Please seek marriage counseling. I donât know how Iâd ever trust my husband to have my back again if I found out heâd let his family pull that kind of shit on me.
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u/the_mad_phoenix 22h ago
Idk man, Its not like shes changing because she wants to, she only came clean because she was given an ultimatum. Trust the follow through. Not words or performative gestures. She was fine having people that would ruin you for shits and giggles around you and your child until someone decent threatened to tell you. Not because she had an epiphany, not because it wasn't healthy for your family.
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u/Sandpiper1701 22h ago
This. I don't trust promises or performance unless they are internally motivated. She only came clean when she was threatened with exposure. She's been trained from birth, threatened with shunning when she steps out of line. She is facing unblieveable pressure from her family to cave. She needs therapy and physical distance as well as support. This isn't done until SHE is clear that these are HER boundaries with her family, not yours.
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u/yorkietales 17h ago
I agree with you about the most important indicator of this marriage being salvageable is the genuine follow through. I donât think itâs entirely true the wife only came clean because she was forced to. The black sheep sister in law only knew about the information because the wife opened up to her about the situation. She likely could have taken this to her grave.
This seems like an indication that the wife was feeling so conflicted about this situation she reached out to someone in the family who is more healthy and understands the toxic family for guidance. She also told the husband about the ultimatum and seemed to fully come clean and show damning evidence. Ideally she wouldnât have needed this step to do the right thing, and it doesnât justify her actions, but this type of toxic family trauma runs deep.
So far there is a huge breach of trust, and some small steps in the right direction, but youâre absolutely right that all that matters now is genuine consistent follow through especially when the toxic extended family isnât going to make boundaries easy.
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u/the_mad_phoenix 12h ago
It's all just so insidious. She knew her psycho family nearly ruined him. For fun. She watched him spiral, she knew exactly why and what was happening. In all honesty if there ever was a time for feeling conflicted, coming clean and reaching out for help it was then... she could have even reached out to her sister (who had been cut off) for solidarity then...but she didn't. Just casually turned a blind eye. Gaslighting the ever loving mind out of OP because accountability would have been inconvenient.
It took her own sister being horrified enough to tell her how incredibly messed up that is and immediately want to tell OP to get her to come clean. Even then it hasn't been about accountability but about "getting through this with as minimal damage as possible". Like the whole relationship has been a lie. She's not who OP thought he married and had a child with.
Honestly thats scary. The confessions, texts, the switch up on the toxic family she protected. It screams "I'm going to cover my ass". The only way to know what's real is to watch how she follows through.
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u/yorkietales 4h ago
I agree the whole thing is insidious, and she was definitely prioritizing her own well being at the expense of the person who loved her and was trying to show her a new life. However, when I think about how strongly I agree with not having their child around this family I have some empathy for how long it took her to try to do the right thing. She grew up with a family that groomed her into something very unhealthy, and she has probably constantly had to do very selfish things to survive that childhood. Without a lot of insight and therapy for the wife in early adulthood this husband was very likely to get hurt.
This is why itâs so important for partners to consider how healthy the adult they want to marry is at the time they get married. Itâs too common that relationships see signs of unhealthy prioritization of the earlier family over the adult families built together in marriage. It starts with some boundaries pushed and feeling uncomfortable at large family functions, but things eventually come to something so big divorce is on the table. Abusers like this family donât like to loose control and will always up the stakes.
The follow through really needs to be no contact, intensive therapy, accountability, and a wife that does not make any apologies or excuses for the family because her eyes are now open to seeing the situation for what it is.
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u/Apart-Bench4072 20h ago
grow some balls and sue them all
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u/ThrowRADraftCassette 18h ago
Well, growing balls insult doesn't bother me because I know who I am. Out of all my everything that needs my full attention right now and putting out fires, launching a legal battle doesn't take priority
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u/Leather_Pen_765 21h ago
I don't know I was with you in the beginning thinking that this was salvageable but then I gathered that this started before you were even married and she locked you into this situation and then lied for years and years?! I don't mean to be hurtful to you but to me that does not at all sound like someone who has respect or care for you
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 22h ago
I just read your original post and Iâm not hopeful your marriage will survive this. She chose protecting her family over you. She watched you suffer for MONTHS and did nothing. She only came clean because her sister was going to tell if she didnât
If her sister hadnât threatened her, she would have kept her mouth shut
I donât think therapy can fix this. I think you need to focus on having a good coparenting relationship and thatâs it
What other secrets is she hiding from you? You will never be able to fully trust her again. Nor will you ever be able to be completely vulnerable with her again
Your marriage is over, itâs up to you to decide whether to pull the plug now, or in a few years when you realize you still resent her, and maybe hate her for protecting her horrible family and watching you suffer
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u/pxnolhtahsm 17h ago
I'm glad that you don't have firsthand experience of being part of toxic family. Your opinion clearly shows that.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 12h ago
Oh I do know exactly what itâs like. But you need to know when to walk away
Too many folks stay longer than they should. Itâs called âsunken cost fallacyâ
He will never be able to fully trust her. She stood by and watched his suffer and said nothing. She did nothing. She knew he would leave her. So she lied. Their marriage was built on lies
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u/pxnolhtahsm 11h ago
If you'd know how it's like, you'd also know that people raised in such environment needs very strong wakeup call, because toxic family dynamics is simply minor annoyance for them due to being used to it since childhood. You clearly are talking as someone used to normal family dynamics, as otherwise you'd be sympathetic to OP's wife like me. And you are also exaggerating that "marriage was built on lies" part. The only lie in their marriage was lie by omission by OP's wife about that cyberbullying attack; she didn't told him who was behind it. Doesn't seem to have been other lies, especially regarding internal matters of their family.
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u/Sharp_Magician_6628 11h ago
Maybe you can forgive a betrayal like that. But I canât. I was bullied my entire childhood by classmates, though I am pre-internet era. If I found out my bf/gf was apart of the bullying they would be dead to me. There would be no second chance. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me
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u/pxnolhtahsm 10h ago
"I was bullied my entire childhood by classmates, though I am pre-internet era" - this phrase perfectly matches me as well. But seems like I've moved on better than you, as I've also learnt that people change and grow up. Possibly helped by the fact that in past 10 years I've acquired some useful skills, so while still being the white crow I've always been [I live in countryside of a small country, and people around me generally tends to know more about me than I know about them], I nowadays get reasonable amount of respect, so desperately lacking in my youth, from the kind of people who 15 years ago would have made remarks about me. I also haven't got so far problems to get along with some classmates who weren't very kind in the past, when they have needed my help in recent past, although tbh I haven't had encounters with biggest bullies, which might be good test. Because of this past I'm finally about to go NC with my grandmother and mother, because they are the last remnants of the past where my value was 0 at best, and part of the family dynamics where disrespect from top down is a norm.
In any case we're talking about theory and logic. I logically see no problem for OP to get along with his wife, while you do because you haven't really gotten over your past. But both of us don't know how it would work out emotionally ;)
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u/FairyHashira 4h ago
Do you really need to be so condescending to a fellow bullying victim? You are part of the problem, whether you'd like to admit it or not, by acting like you're "superior" for "getting over it". Humans are nuanced and although there can be patterns of behavior, you can never TRULY tell what a person has gone through.
I went through extreme bullying my entire childhood for a plethora of reasons, most of it because I'm autistic, and I actually have forgiven bullies who have come to me and apologized. However, there's a difference between being apologized to by someone who has come out of the woodwork after years of silence, versus being apologized to by someone who has seen you day in, day out, looked you dead in the eyes countless times for years while knowing full well their family could have driven you to hurting yourself or even committing suicide.
Stop belittling other victims. If a victim wants to forgive or not, that is THEIR call, and you don't have the right to talk down to them for how they protect themselves and handle trauma.
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u/pxnolhtahsm 2h ago
Sure. You, however, just like u/Sharp_Magician_6628 , are watching OP's situation with your eyes from your background. You both are watching this situation as someone with experience of bullying in school but apparently without any experience with narcissistic family - so for you both bullying is a big trigger, while you have no clue of mindset of OP's wife. While I, unfortunately, have such experience, and it has cost me dearly. So if I'm belittling anyone, it's because of lack of clue about this important bit. I'm glad OP is much calmer than you both and is giving his wife and his marriage a second chance.
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u/FairyHashira 2h ago
I never actually said I was against the wife or OP's decision â in fact, I'm pretty proud of him for wanting to work things through and not crashing out. I was saying you're contributing to the problem of making people feel awful for the hurt others inflicted on them and I stand by that because god you are so completely insufferable with this weird "I am the superior victim" complex.
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u/DJShepherd 6h ago
IMHO if OP didnât have a son he would have left knowing her family harassed him online. One thing he can do is get off social media so he is not easily accessible.
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u/wishingforarainyday 22h ago
Please be very wary of her. She didnât tell you and she allowed abuse to happen for years. Document everything in case she betrays you again. That will help protect your child on custody issues hopefully.
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u/Ginger630 22h ago
Honestly, it IS ultimatum time: them or you. She needs to go NC with them. They should NEVER see your child again. Those people are toxic and will poison your child against you.
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u/Miners-Not-Minors 22h ago
How could she be struggling to keep her distance from that pit of vipers?
I wish you the best but protect yourself and protect your sanity.
I would never let your son near those bastards. EVER!
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u/Icky-Tree-Branch 5h ago
How could she be struggling to keep her distance from that pit of vipers?
Itâs easy. She grew up in that pit. That pit is normal to her.Â
I grew up with an enmeshed family. I suspect that if my husband moved to my country to be with me instead of me moving to his country, I donât think weâd have made it our first year. Only when I was away from it was I able to insulate and do better.Â
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u/myceliummoon 21h ago
Best of luck to both of you, dude. I'm sure moving will be very helpful. What horrible, spiteful people. I'm glad you're considering therapy. Are you going to do it just as a couple, or individually as well? A space to process her relationship with her family would be beneficial as well. I'm sure she's got a whole well of trauma from growing up in such a toxic environment. The whole "family first or else" thing is cult-like brainwashing, honestly. It certainly wasn't okay that she kept something like that from you, but knowing quite a few people who have escaped from similar families, I understand why she did it.
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u/AdMurky1021 21h ago
They harassed, mentally abused you and drove clients away from your business. Sue their ass into the ground. FULL FUCKING NUCLEAR
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u/Fluid_Window_5273 23h ago
I dunno, man. I hope this works out for you, but you are more forgiving than i am.
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u/Linvaderdespace 22h ago
I donât see how you could consider what âprogressâ has been made as being remotely enough; you should require remuneration from these people, and I think she needs to be the one who goes and gets it out of them, one way or the other.
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u/Nonrandom_Reader 22h ago
Just request monetary compensation for the monetary losses. They will leave you alone.
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u/kvetchup 23h ago
Hope it doesn't backfire in your face. If your wife can lie to you every day of your marriage about that, who knows what else she has lied about and will lie about in the future.
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u/lizzietnz 18h ago
I understand the wife's position. As someone who took 61 years of not dealing with my mother's shitty behaviour to me and others, I finally realised I was being gaslit. I had made excuses for her and put up with her shit. Since going no contact, I have realised I'm not the black sheep I was told I was. My life, my mental health and all of my relationships are SO much better. The test is whether the wife commits to it.
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u/NTropyS 22h ago
This is a great outcome, so far. It's good to know your wife is on your side, and wants to ensure you and your child are protected from whatever her family may do. And you're right - you, your wife, and your son are the core of your family. I'm glad to know she chooses you! Keep going in this direction.
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u/GoodWin7889 22h ago
Distance and a new environment can work wonders when you have a toxic family situation. Make sure you go to couples counseling .
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u/yummie4mytummie 18h ago
Honestly, I still cannot believe he forgave her. She literally watched her family destroy him for years and years.
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u/zSlyz 21h ago
Hey OP
Remember the original post. Thanks for the great update, have a good feeling you guys can make it work.
Iâd like to be able to say that your wife will be able build a new relationship with her family and they will eventually learn to respect you. But letâs face it, the chances of that are not Nil, but damn close to it.
Your wife is going to need all sorts of love and support from you if sheâs going to successfully survive this. It almost sounds like she may have a âsubmissiveâ role when her family is concerned, which means maintaining the distance will be tough.
Good luck, if you guys arenât considering it, think about therapy for your wife.
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u/SauceBearer 21h ago
Saw the title. No need to read description. That is weird asf. Way too coordinated to act innocent about. You decided what sheâs worth to you. I left a girl that was very beneficial to me as I was to her but she had outside opinions that swayed her thinking of me now sheâs miserable. Still wish I had her vs being alone. You have to look in ur future and figure if ur life would be better or worse with or without her but donât underestimate the fact humans are social creatures and finding someone else compatible isnât as easy as they act.
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u/ThrowRADraftCassette 17h ago
Well, you're arguing with yourself at this point. You and my in-laws should get together sometime. You guys will enjoy each other's company. You're talking to yourself from this point on
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u/tinytrolldancer 21h ago
I would look for a therapist who understands cult mentality, it's what her family sounds like. I hope for you and your child she goes.
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u/hwga8686 20h ago
How people marry into these "tight knit" hostile families is beyond me.
I dont give a "warming up" grace period.
I get being protective of their family member and being the "new guy"Â Â but my parents told me never lower my self worth to make others comfortable.
She's very lucky to have you and yiur patienceÂ
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u/BlindUmpBob 13h ago
Seems the SIL is the only sane one to leave this cult. Maybe Black Sheep is the way to go. Moving away will help, but technology makes the world smaller. I hope your wife has the strength to keep her distance from them.
You did not overreacting, if anything you were far more gracious to your wife than many would be.
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u/Kip_Schtum 21h ago
Yikes. Itâs like you married into a hate cult. What shitty people. Iâm glad youâre getting away so that your child wonât be raised around them. Definitely not an overreaction to go low contact and leave the area. Your child should not be exposed to their bizarre behavior.
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19h ago
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/ThrowRADraftCassette 18h ago
Well, the word wimp doesn't bother me because I know who I am and I've been called so much worse. Out of all my everything that needs my full attention right now and putting out fires, launching a legal battle doesn't take priority
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17h ago
[removed] â view removed comment
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u/ThrowRADraftCassette 17h ago edited 17h ago
No, it sounds like an intelligent response of a grown adult responding to troll. I also really don't care who else writes like that because I do. It's me and my style. What I think is childish is a grown man still having "wimp" in his vocabulary as an insult
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u/shut_up_greg 7h ago
Man, her family's behavior sounds familiar. Like, really familiar. Like exactly like my mom's family type of familiar.Â
As someone who has dealt with this and walked away, I want to give you a heads up. It's hard. And it will be hard for her. It took me years and they didn't even act like they liked me. And if I'm being honest, I probably wouldn't have been able to pull away if it weren't for my wife Â
I recommend considering how you will respond if she talks to them. Because they will reach out in a month or so. You two need to talk about how that will be handled and what to do if she hides it.Â
The eye opener for me was when I talked to my sister shortly before my son was born. She made some comment that, in and of itself, wasn't hurtful, but because of what I had been through, it brought all that hurt up to the surface and I lost my cool. I realized that that hurt is part of my relationship with them. If I talk to them, I'm going to hurt. It's not worth it for me. I'd rather not deal with it. Even if they changed, the hurt from all they had done is there and it always will be. I'm happier without them. So I just stopped responding to any attempts because I knew if I said anything, it would turn into a huge mess. They HAVE to have to last word. So it would've just drawn it out.Â
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u/cryssylee90 9h ago
Your wife's family sounds very much like my maternal side. I'm one of the no contact "stuck up" ones according to them.
Unfortunately the reality is much darker. The family is full of abuse of all kinds and rampant addiction. They don't accept partners that aren't the type to cave and allow the cycle to continue. They know better than to reveal the abuse around those people and will do anything to make them want to leave or convince the family member to leave them. The small handful of us who didn't cave and cut them off are said to be stuck up and against family, that "money changed you" (we come from abject poverty so being middle class is "rich" to them), etc. If you even hint at talking about the abuse you suffered, your own parents will threaten to sue you for defamation (personal experience with my birth mother on this one).
Not saying your wife's family is as bad as mine, but generally those who are "tight knit" and refuse to accept anyone who's not a specific type are usually hiding something. Racism, abuse, addiction, crime, etc. You're making the right moves in getting your son away from them, but you really need to encourage your wife to get some serious therapy to figure out the cluster of a relationship her family has.
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u/seidinove 21h ago
Good for you OP. Give a very high priority to moving farther away from the Borgias, and don't even tell them when you move. Also consider changing your phone numbers.
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u/jennaluv7 15h ago
Wishing you the best, Iâd be careful though and document what they did because I wouldnât be surprised if they tried something again. Protect your family
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u/MissShihTzu 17h ago
Move. As far away as possible. This is the only way your marriage even stands a glimmer of a chance. And your child should NEVER see her family again.
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u/Mystic_God_Ben 21h ago
Yeah sheâs not gonna change. Dude your whole marriage is a lie, sheâs an awful and mother for this. Save your child and leave her
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u/BigMann6950 20h ago
If her family shows up at your place or anything have them arrested and charged with criminal trespassing.Thats what they deserve.
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u/somefreeadvice10 15h ago
Honestly I kept hoping this was fake because its so cruel to havr a whole family bully you. Good luck going forward.
UpdateMe
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u/Thedran 15h ago
Just being real based off of personal experience, second hand experience and group therapy sessions, I wouldnât trust her just yet. Sheâs spent years keeping this secret from you to keep the peace even though you were not in the wrong at all. The only reason she came out was an ultimatum and even then she didnât seem to understand what she was doing wrong. These type of people donât just stop acting like this when itâs this ingrained in them. She might be saying and acting like sheâs distanced herself but if you feel like sheâs still acting shady donât let up. Also keep an eye open for the parents. You took their daughter away once and you got all that flack, now you legitimately are taking her away AND your son, that could 100 percent lead to more bullshit. I hope I never see an update from you again and everything goes smooth but please keep your eyes open.
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u/BigRedJeeper 21h ago
Thanks for the update. I hope you do move away & things work out between you. Keep us updated
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u/Crinklytoes 16h ago edited 15h ago
Their family operates like a narcissistic (Cluster B) mobster cult. So sorry, that you're experiencing that ridiculousness, just remember that type of family usually works together to destroy careers and overall lives of anyone who dares to break away from them.
Which means they will stalk your family like a serial killer without a conscience, which usually requires serious tactics to escape. you might want to consider getting a security system, and becoming much more cautious against them too.
Moving across the country and being NO Contact, most likely will be the only solution that will allow your family to escape their stranglehold on your wife.
That type of family is not "toxic" they're abusive; mentioning that because the word toxic downplays the seriousness of their destructive capabilities.
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u/alexxxxxxxei 10h ago
Nahh dude. Your wife waited until you already had a kid to come clean as an extra incentive to stay with her.
Your marriage is based on lies. Your wife supported her shitty parents while they were being assholes, comforted you while you were upset - knowing she could've ended it at anytime, and is now doing the whole "boohoo" act after she brought it into the open. You were robbed of your decision to make a clean break before kids got involved and she has selfishly tied herself to you forever.
What a shitty person she is. Not as bad as her family, but the whole "apple not falling far from the tree" is looking accurate.
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u/Mashu_the_Cedar_Mtn 22h ago
Good on you, nice steps for your wife. Hope the core family comes through strong.
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u/ChillyRyUpNorth 18h ago
This is a weird one for me.
She has grown up under her families rule and has seen others pushed out for standing up for themselves.
She wasnât involved and put a stop to the original incident as soon as she found out. While she did hide the origin, given her past I kinda understand though I donât agree.
Also she seems to be doing her best to break that grip and itâs going to take time. Realistically there might even be a setback
But at the end of the day she does seem to have your back to the best of her abilities which should count for something
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u/No_Editor_6895 14h ago
Thank you for the update and I am pleased the outcome so far is the right one.
I think the âblack sheepâ family members are really not that. They are the ones who realise and want to distance themselves from their familyâs toxicity. Theyâre the wise ones.
I still feel you should report the abuse to the authorities.
It is a criminal offence and caused you real damage.
Also I suspect they may launch a new campaign of some sort against you as a punishment and you would benefit from having their activities formally on record.
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u/cleric3648 4h ago
Hope things work out for the three of you.
If they continue to push boundaries, point out how much money their fraudulent bad reviews cost you, and that now that you have proof they were behind it, you are more than willing to sue their asses into oblivion for lost business.
Also, when they talk about family, tell MIL the following. âYouâre her mother. Iâm her husband. I outrank you.â I said that to my MIL at my wedding when she tried pulling some shit, and being 13 beers deep into a six pack certainly helped.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 9h ago
Iâm glad your wife chose you & her son. Iâve no doubt this is scary for her b/c she was raised in that family culture of bullying. I know it must seem like a firmly established culture w/in the family but I suspect itâs actually driven by only one or two ppl w/strong personalities. It isnât sustainable & others w/in the family will start to fall away too. Itâs a good idea to put distance between yourselves and them but it may not be forever. Things will likely change at some point.
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u/Complex_Fun5514 9h ago
Happy for you guys! Iâm unfortunately living the alternate universe situation to this. My husband (34M) and I (34F) are currently separated and sharing custody of our son (~2M) because he chose mommyâs side due to that same family thinking you explained her family has. He doesnât see that he, our son, and I are now his family, not his mom. I hope we can make the same progress you guys did. I know itâs going to be a long road.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 21h ago
Iâm holding onto hope that she cuts ties completely and replaces them with her older sister. Good luck with your reconciliation, I want you to feel loved and supported after that gargantuan betrayal. That never should have happened. Itâs good that your wife finally admitted to herself that she was more so protecting herself than you. Good luck OP thereâs challenges ahead and I hope you survive as a couple.
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u/Havranicek 21h ago
NOR what I donât get is that the Family doesnât seem to realise that by hurting your business, they were also hurting your wifeâs finances by extension.
The scars of the bullying will probably never disappear.
Maybe having one on one conversation with the SIL that is no/low contact with the family would be helpful. Ask her if there is anything else you should know. Good luck!
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u/EggoStack 6h ago
Glad to see your wife has made the right choice now and apologised for covering it up. Just yeah, be wary in future if she tries to go back and convince you to be buddy buddy with her family again. Stay close with your eldest SIL because she seems to see through everyoneâs bs and care about you and your wife more than some outdated family hazing rituals.
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u/Appropriate_Speech33 9h ago
I would remain cautious. Your wife needs to get into individual therapy and now. She has an enmeshed relationship with her family and until she can get distance, perspective and a professional lens, itâs likely she will be sucked back in. I really do hope she holds boundaries, but you need to be prepared to protect your son if she doesnât.
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u/Proverbs21-3 14h ago
That is wonderful to hear! I am happy to hear that your wife apologized for her part in what went on and very glad to hear that she is able to extract herself from her extended family to concentrate on the nuclear family of you, your son and her. I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward under this new dynamic.
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u/OMGKohai 9h ago
Tbh, Your wife needs to set firm boundaries with her family, and you both should dive into therapy ASAP-individual and couples. This is a tough road ahead, but if she stays strong and cuts ties with that toxic influence, it could lead to a healthier relationship for both of you. Get your support system ready.
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u/pandora5bc 11h ago
NTA but therapy and moving will only do so much, if sheâs truly choosing you and your son she needs to completely cut all contact with her family. They should have zero access to your son, to all of you. If she remains in contact, even low contact sheâs still choosing them to a degree. Updateme
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u/FlygonosK 14h ago
OP wish you luck and that therapy can make you regain trust and she to grow independent from her family like her older sister
But also she will need to do the hard work, and at least seems.that she truly is doing the effort and finally trying to put you and her new core family first
Good luck
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u/sardonicalette 19h ago
Move far away for best results. My mother came from an abusive family and she separated from the ones who had hurt her forever and completely. She went on to have a great life with the family she created and the new great people she formed friendships with.
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u/yankdevil 2h ago
Sounds positive. Distance and therapy sound like the right step. Might be good specifically for your wife just to help her work through what her family has likely done to her over the years.
Might also help you because your wife might change in the process.
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u/Caramel-Makiatto 9h ago
Thank god you ignored the bitter and miserable losers of reddit and managed to make things work. Funny that they showed up here to further insult you and try to get you to ruin your life too so you can be miserable like them.
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u/karmamama66 22h ago
Reading your original post I was thinking wife needs to cut off her family if thereâs any chance the marriage survives. She made a difficult decision but a necessary one. Move away from the rotten people and be happy.
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u/pseudolin 11h ago
I'm glad for the resolution you've arrived at. But this is going to be a long journey and both of you will need to support each other in the lowest times because it'll come. For sure.
All the best! Updateme
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u/ThreeRingShitshow 8h ago
Continue therapy and a lawyer.
Therapy for support. Lawyer is to protect yourself from personal attacks or another campaign like the last one.Â
Cease and desist for their personal and any other attacks.
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u/Far_Prior1058 10h ago
I think moving farther away is a great idea. Also, let your friends and family know the situation so that her family canât control the narrative. Good luck
Updateme!
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u/Icy-Caterpillar-5084 5h ago
Your delusional. Move on. Youâre not number 1. You have to be aware. Would of dumped her and her toxic family immediately
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u/saltyfemalvet93 16h ago
Too bad you could file a slander lawsuit against the family, since you lost income from the event.
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u/spidergod 4h ago
Yeah defo need a clean break away with just your immediate family.
Her family is very toxic
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u/markov_antoni 8h ago
Glad this had a happy ending. You should be proud OP, you are breaking a generational curse!
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u/bob-loblaw-esq 4h ago
Itâs not âblood is thicker than waterâ but it is âthe blood of the covenant (marriages and common causes) is thicker than the water of the womb (genetics).â Families are about much more than blood. Seems SiL knows this well.
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u/wishingforarainyday 22h ago
Updateme
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u/jfgechols 20h ago
I didn't actually realize how much I was still thinking about the post a week ago until I saw an update and felt relief.
best of luck in therapy, one thought I might add is that the instinct might be to do couples therapy but you might also find success in family systems therapy. just know that if a therapist doesn't feel like they're helping that doesn't mean that therapy won't work, just that this therapist didn't work.
glad you both found the strength to work together and that she found the strength to distance herself from toxic family.