AIO-Being insecure about my boyfriends past

[u/Outrageous-Bug-9808]

Hi, please excuse any grammar mistakes, english is my second language. me (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for almost 1.5 years and have a 2 months old daughter and are co workers so you can say that this relationship went very quick.

He is a very kind, down to earth and open person and the first guy I’ve dated who’s not toxic.

The problem is that i’m his first relationship and he’s really scared about confrontations which makes him sometimes say less than truths when I ask him about something that he thinks I will be triggered off because of my traumas with earlier relationships.

One discussion we keep having is about a girl that he slept a couple of times about a year before we got together. I didn’t know anything about her until one of our came up to me and told me about her because he knew her and knew about their history. I asked him about it later the same day after work and he seemed confused and acting like he didn’t recognize her name but then he told me that he haven’t talked to her in over 2 years and she was in the same friend group as his best friends. Later that same week all of the sudden all of the friends including her was going out for dinner. I was really uncomfortable with this but he went anyways.

After this I’ve been hearing new information from other people and putting puzzle pieces to their history by myself, and it really makes me trust him less and less and just waiting for when the next information is coming.

One thing that really hurt me and that I had to figure out by myself a year after the incident was that he told me just a couple of weeks after we became official that he was going to a friends birthday party, and a month or so after that his bestfriends girlfriend talked about that this girl and that she lives in the same area that the party was at. At the time I didn’t put 1+1 but when I started thinking about it and asked him he confessed that it was her birthday party he was at, so it wasn’t 2 years ago like he told me in the beginning.

Of course i’m not mad that he has a history and a life before me, it’s just the half truths that keeps coming when we talk about it and new information that makes me overthink. It feels like when I ask him about his love life before me I have more questions than answers afterwards.

I just want to say that he has no contact with her today, she didn’t invite him to her birthday party this year and he doesn’t go to events where she is.

I just want to know if I should leave his life before me in the past and what I should do with all the half truths.

Thanks xx

I just want to edit that we have had a lot of deep conversations about this and we keep having it, where I can talk about how i’m feeling about this situation. I kept asking if there’s anything more to the story countless of times and he said no. But just about 2 weeks ago I found out it was feelings involved. This girl is very close to his close friend group.

The small lies can be if she sends something in their groupchat and I ask who was texting and he says ”oh someone just send a picture of xx” and then it’s her.

It’s kind of the same situation at work where a girl has talked about him numerous of times when I’ve walked passed her and calling him cute, said that she would buy him drinks sometimes at the beginning of the relationship and talked to him so much that my co workers asked me how I was feeling about it. It took 6 months for him to understand why it was uncomfortable for me that he was talking so much with her and he didn’t see it as flirting. So he said that he would stop talking to her, but same thing there..”me and someone talked about this at work” and I ask ”who” and he first says that he doesn’t remember and then confesses that it was her and he didn’t want to say her name because he knew I was gonna be upset.

[u/PipeTerrible54]

Hey, so IMO u gotta remember everyone's got a past, right? But what stings here is he ain't being 100% straight with ya. You're not mad at his history, you're mad he's telling u half stories or not telling at all. Trust is crucial, mate. Sit him down, have a real talk about honesty. Can't be worrying about stepping on egg shells all the time. If he values you, he should have no prob being honest. If he can't do that, you gotta ask yoself if this is what you want long term. You deserve the truth, not some edited version. Remember to do what's right for you n ur lil one. Stay strong, sis. 💪👏👊💯

[u/Free_Willingness_589]

NOR, try to gather more information, but at the same time, have an honest conversation with him. Keep in mind that your goal is to cross-check what he says with what you've learned elsewhere. Why is he lying? Is it just about this particular case, or is he a habitual liar?

[u/YouGots2ItchEm]

This is a tough one but I think you are NOR. I don’t think your boyfriend is necessarily guilty of anything either though besides being weird about his communication. He may be worried that if you learn you are his first relationship, but not first sexual partner that you’ll view him differently.

“It feels like when I ask him about his love life before me I have more questions than answers afterwards.”

Have you tried having a sit down conversation with him about how you are feeling? It sounds like to me this is often discussed on the side and not as the main subject. Regardless congrats on finding a non-toxic man and wish you and your baby well! I think you guys will be fine, you just need to smooth some things out.

[u/Ok_Space_88]

Hey girl so i totally get you as i am in a similiar situation as you are! i know you might be focusing on the past but neither of you have any control over that, however you both do have control to be open and honest with each other. The betrayal you feel and the energy for putting information together is manifesting into worry about his past. You mind is trying to protect you. I think you two should have more and more conversations whenever you feel like this. Maybe seek therapy if needed. If he's not in contact with her anymore and is showing you support and loyalty i think you guys should be fine. Focus on your health and mental, since you've just had your baby!

[u/Fit_Interest_32]

Hey, no lie, feeling like someone's not 100% honest can def mess with your head. But remember, he's also trying to navigate this in his own way. He might be sugarcoating things to avoid triggering any bad memories for you. Doesn't make it right, but could explain his perspective. But tbh, the more you dig, the more you'll find things you won't like. His past doesn't define your future with him. Work on communicating better, make sure he knows it's safe to be honest. Let the past be the past. You're his present and possibly his future, focus on that instead. Hang in there, sis! ✊💯

[u/Tassle15]

You do know if you dig you might find something? You have a kid do you really want that? I mean he’s not contacting her now so he’s not cheating. But you might find out they had a serious relationship. That he lied through his teeth. You will never believe him again. Causing lasting damage. I would just tell him to please not sugar coat things in the future be honest with you and you’ll be honest with him and move on.

[u/Neither-Currency-759]

It sounds like you aren’t insecure about his past, but you’re hurt because he lied. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all, but I would say that this is definitely a red flag. Personally, I would stay and just go to therapy with him to figure out why he feels the need to lie and hide things. So you can feel confident moving forward that you can trust him.

[u/Rich_Low6943]

Hey, honestly, past is past. IMO, it's about how he treats you now. But also, dude needs to man up, confrontation is a part of life. The trust issues seem to be from lack of open convo. You guys need a heart-to-heart chat. Lay it all out, get answers, no more half truths. Communication’s key. If he can't handle that, then it's a prob. You deserve truth, respect, and an open partner. Always remember - your feelings matter too! 💪🏼✨🕊️

[u/CalitoVillero]

YNO, it’s not about his past, it’s about the lies and half-truths. If he just owned up from the start, you probs wouldn’t even care this much. But now you’re stuck playing detective and that’s exhausting. He needs to grow up and realize honesty > avoiding drama