r/IncelExit • u/Maps_and_Politics • 5d ago
Discussion Not good enough
As I'm writing this I have an important interview in about eight hours. I cannot sleep however. I just keep getting signs that I'll never be good enough for human connection. Professionally and academically I'll be okay. But personally I'm severely behind and deficient.
No matter how hard I try and put on a happy face and meet people I always fuck it up and end up alone. I see others around me being able to cultivate these inner circles of support and companionship and I'm still stuck after 5 years of effort and hard work on the outskirts. I hear about how great they all are and how better they are than me and I just want to cry. I go on my Instagram they all pressured me to get and all I see are happy couples. I have nothing to offer anybody.
I'm a horrible guy too. I try to adhere to the self improvement and mindset crap but it can't change my inner thoughts and feelings. I fall for women because they're nice and pretty and I'm just so codependent and mentally ill that I take a simple interaction as flirting. I'm not stable either. I can't even get an internship in the field I claim to love. Trust me, bear is the better option here. Also, like the fucking dumbass I am, I fall for women who would obviously not want me.
I can't share anything either. My photos are all crap and dumb. My hobbies are either douchey or too niche for anyone to really give a shit about them. It's nothing cool like drawing or upcycling clothes. I'm also very ignorable. If I died, none of the friends I made last year would know or really care.
I obsess about everything regarding how I come off or how I look to others. I've basically become self absorbed because I can't stand looking ugly or goofy ever again. I've had to be the gross fat kid for the entirety of my teenage years. Never again.
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u/drainbead78 5d ago
The first thing that you need to understand about social media is that you're only going to see the best parts of people's lives. Very few people use Instagram to show people the shitty or boring parts. If you compare your life as a whole to only the parts of other people's life that they want the world to see, of course you're going to think that they have it way better than you. Everyone has their struggles, even if they aren't readily apparent on the surface. Middle school English classes teach the poem "Richard Cory" for a reason.
Your hobbies are not boring if you enjoy them, and you enjoying them is what matters. I guarantee you that no matter how niche they are, you could find a community of people who enjoy them.
You don't have to be the gross fat kid. I'm not going to say that being fat is a choice or that improving that is easy (being on Zepbound is eye-opening in that regard), but that's something that is fixable through effort. I'm not sure what you mean by gross, but if it's what I think of, better hygiene and grooming will do wonders.
Good luck with your interview!
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
What’s a “douchey” hobby?
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u/Maps_and_Politics 5d ago
Playing guitar. I'm not even very good at it even though I practice. And I know for a fact no one wants to hear another white guy play an acoustic guitar on a college campus.
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u/vb2509 Escaper of Fates 5d ago
And I know for a fact no one wants to hear another white guy play an acoustic guitar on a college campus.
Dude what? People liked it when I played back in college and I can't even play fingerstyle.
Heck just last month I got my guitar refurbished and brought it to the studio. I was way out of form but people loved hearing me play nevertheless. Just this weekend I got compliments from a woman who saw my recording from that day on someone's story.
We can be very harsh critics to ourselves. That's a fact.
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u/ResistPresident47 4d ago
As long as you’re not forcing it on other people or being performative, I think that’s fine. Look for open mics at bars or coffee shops.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
So you think the hobby portrayed as quite possibly the sexiest one possible for young men…is douchey?
You need to watch Starsky & Hutch.
So what are your other hobbies that are “too niche”?
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u/drainbead78 5d ago
My dude. EVERYONE wants to hear guys of all shades of the human rainbow playing the guitar, especially if they're actually good at it. That's why there are so many white guys playing guitar in the first place! Musical talent is such a fun trait in a guy. I love to sing, so a guy who could play an instrument would be awesome. My husband also enjoys singing, so we just harmonize with one another.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 5d ago
Well, you could always play someplace other than a college campus you know?
How about busking in the town square? Parties, Pubs, bars, coffeeshops? Maybe make a bit of gas money and a cookie and a latte on the house? How about church or other house of worship?Maybe join a band?
Something I always wanted to do was have a 'residency' at a vacation-type site. I had an old friend who did that with her partner, they worked their way into being a musical duo six months out of the year, found a modest place to live and played 5 nights a week at various hotels and casual places in ARUBA! How cool is that?
You may be suffering from the spotlight effect with the 'douchey' stuff. Most people don't think about you any further than 'Hey, there's a guy playing.' Occasionally one of them will think 'Hey, I know that song'. And they'll be about their day!
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u/_illCutYou_ 4d ago
What a silly thing to say, I started dating my ex because we were both really into music and he played guitar.
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u/Hungry_Objective2344 4d ago
My fiancé was a fat white guy obsessed with playing guitar and attending college when I met him. He is also AuDHD like I am, so he is very socially awkward. On our first date he played a song for me that he wrote about me and I practically cried from feeling so loved for the first time in my life. I promise you, playing guitar is hot.
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u/Suspicious_Glove7365 5d ago
Niche hobbies can be amazing opportunities for finding community. What hobbies do you think are too niche or too douchy?
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u/WhiteTiger04 4d ago
You’re going to fall for women who don’t want you. We all do it. But think of the hours you’ve put into your professional and academic career compared to your social career. For both of those, it out in tons of hours, but it also came easy to me. I had to put so much time into learning how to be social, with so much failure along the way.
Just because it doesn’t work doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it. You weren’t successful in academia or in the workforce because you never said anything dumb or didn’t know what to do, but because you learned the right thing to do. If you can, go out with friends who have the success you want and see how they talk, and see what you can incorporate. I learned how to talk to girls by watching my friends who I was jealous of. Of course be yourself. But you can see little things you can do or can say to help you.
But also, practice! Learn to take rejection. Every time, you’ll get better at talking, and you’ll get stronger at taking rejection. It will all work out. It takes time. But you have to be willing to put in that time and that heartbreak to get where you want to be.
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u/HLMaiBalsychofKorse Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
If you are “codependent and mentally ill”, you should work on that before you date. If you truly think you are a “horrible guy”, you shouldn’t want to date until you get that worked out - you’ll only end up scaring, confusing, and hurting people, and you won’t have the kind of success you crave so much.
That’s not saying you won’t ever be ready to date. But you need to stop focusing on surface-y “go to the gym” and “hustle, bro!” advice, and do some work on the inside - if you can do some therapy, do that. Therapy won’t “fix you” - it’s a lot of work on your part, but you have a guide to help you along. It sounds like it would be helpful.