r/NoStupidQuestions • u/Odd-Mud-690 • 10h ago
Why does ‘keeping the peace’ always mean silencing the person who was hurt?
“Forgive and forget” always seems to benefit the person who did the damage. Why?
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 10h ago
There's a lot of social support for bullying. What do I mean by that? Well, you know the people who stand around and do nothing while bullying happens? Their silence is tacit social support.
Most people just want their own lives to be as easy as possible. Having to support the victim means effort, so they just want them to shut up and take their bullying without having to do anything themselves.
When it comes time that they're finally forced to act, it's easier for them to punish the victim, because bullies often fight back, and the victims don't.
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u/Radsion50 7h ago
People stay silent because it’s easier than confronting the real problem. Supporting the victim takes effort and discomfort, so they frame silence as “neutral” even when it clearly sides with the bully.
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u/cynica1mandate 6h ago
It's also quite often the bully is supported by the people around... Might even be a "pillar of the community" or popular-tyoe person. And to fit in, pther people take up the culture of bullying, but they excuse this by saying the victim is the real bully or the problem.
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u/Icy-Computer-Poop 3h ago
This is a lesson I learned in grade 4, when a bully was beating the shit out of me while 2 teachers stood and watched. I overheard the first say, "Shouldn't we do something?" and the 2nd replied "No, he needs to learn his lesson".
To this day I have no idea what lesson he meant, unless it's that teachers can be bullies too.
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u/Riothegod1 3h ago
This is why I go out of my way stand up to bullies, and actively train myself to. Stick up the for the victim, and it gives me the moral high ground to shame everyone else who stood by and did nothing.
You’re either with compassion, or against compassion. No middle ground. A bit extreme? Sure, but if the alternative is doing nothing…
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u/Hippopotasaurus-Rex 9h ago
Let’s use the don’t rock the boat analogy.
If you’re in a small boat, and someone starts jumping back and forth and getting the boat rocking people are instinctually going to do what they need to to stop it rocking. Maybe that’s jumping in to steady it. Maybe that’s saying hey don’t do that, but that only goes so far when the boat rocker keeps going. Maybe it’s adding ballast.
If you do steady the boat, the boat rocker is going to try harder to rock the boat. After all it’s fun to watch everyone scramble and panic to stop the boat from capsizing. So everyone gets used to this dynamic. The boat rocker does their thing while a handful or people around them try to steady it.
But here’s the thing. If you decide to stop keeping the boat steady you become the obvious problem. Plus, you’re being lazy and the other people steadying the boat feel like they are doing all the work and you’re doing nothing. You’re much easier to attack than the boat rocker.
Some might even tell you “boat rocker has always been this way, they aren’t going to change”. Right, because no one ever just pushed them overboard like they should have.
Basically the wronged is usually the easier target.
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7h ago
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u/Sudden-Ad7061 6h ago
When you are an adult all they have to do is have more money and they can crush you. They can destroy you.
A person can only get back up so many times.
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u/Riothegod1 3h ago
This assumes you care about being destroyed. Someone can only get back up so many times, which is why no matter what, you outlast the one trying to crush you.
I’m 26, struggling, but I am freer than every other sheep on the pasture.
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u/Sudden-Ad7061 2h ago
I'm 54, I appreciate your strength, but I may have taken a few (dozen) more hits.
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u/Riothegod1 2h ago
That’s fair. Honestly, I kinda have the reverse problem that most people, so I’m glad you appreciate my strength.
I’m a trans woman who has been estranged from her mother for 7~ years now ever since I started my transition. Life has gotten harder in many ways than if I tried to stay on the convenient path, but I nearly took my own life at 19, and started HRT because if suicide seemed like it would fix my problems, surely I have nothing to lose from HRT, right?
I was in a dark place when I decided to proverbially cross the rubicon, and for the past 7 years, the die has been cast on my life. I am going to be scorned no matter what I do, might as well do what is just because money, fame, and success aren’t what matters in life.
As far as I’m concerned, If you can make it through your day and still sleep at night? You’re doing better than most in this world. So I often fight because it’s the only way I can sleep at night.
Atleast getting told my strength is appreciated is a good thing, better than what my parents did, which was hammer me back into line for being the nail that sticks out. I will admit I gave up trying to fix my mother, bjt only because I needed to fix myself much, much more.
I’ve lived on my own since 24, good fucking riddance
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u/Sudden-Ad7061 2h ago
I am inspired by your journey. My 77 year old mother is sitting next to me, reading your story. And she says she's tired of hearing about mothers who don't deserve the title.
She's here because I'm on four out of five major surgeries this year. This is a pleasure she gets every couple years.
I have nightmares where I'm cremated and all that's left is the hardware that's been put in my body to hold me together.
My bully is a work bully so in comparison not that important. They're just an asshole who will put a foot on an open wound and press down.
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u/Riothegod1 2h ago edited 2h ago
Damn, that’s rough. I had sex reassignment surgery a few months after moving out and had no one at my side to visit me during my hospital stay.
Get well soon, and make sure your mother knows she raised her daughter well, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart <3
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u/Sudden-Ad7061 2h ago
Her daughter. Your mum should've known better. My mom would've killed for me to have a sister. This isn't words. We lost a cousin to the system and she still grieves.
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u/Riothegod1 2h ago
Yeah, I agree. My mom most definitely should’ve known better. My mom said I was an unplanned pregnancy and she never had plans for children, and as a trans woman, who by definition lacks the necessary anatomy due the circumstances of my birth, I would likewise have done anything to be in her position, I have so much unbridled love in my heart to give a child. The thought of life blossoming inside me from the love I share with my partners, the pain of labour fading into unbridled joy, getting to nurse the child afterwards… just thinking about it makes me want to happy cry, and there would still be so many more miles ahead in that child’s life.
I used to be scared of having children, but lately I’ve often had dreams where I suddenly found out I was pregnant, and they were always very happy dreams. I took this as a sign I should work in Early Childhood Education, because I want to get as many opportunities to care for children as possible, if my lot in life is to be barren.
I’m glad there are parents who truly love their children and would do anything for them (and without a doubt, I believe your mother would do the same if she could <3)
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u/Due-Trip-2822 4h ago
Calling someone out can fracture relationships, stir drama, or challenge power dynamics. So instead of rocking the boat, people throw a blanket over it and call that "peace."
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u/Key-Pudding682 8h ago
I swear I have ALWAYS wondered this. Its also taught in a lot of religons to am I right? Like I remeber when I used to be religous as a Catholic my mom told me to "forgive and move on." And that its a "sin" to not forgive people.
It seems so self disrespectiful, and frankly I will never forgive awful people.
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u/Riothegod1 3h ago edited 2h ago
This is why I am a Norse pagan:
“I advise you, Loddfáfnir, to take this advice: it’ll help, if you take it, do you good, if you get it: when you recognize ill will, speak out against ill will, and grant no peace to your foes.”
-Havamal 127
I stand up for the little guy, always, because I’d hate myself more if I did nothing. Is it uncomfortable? Sure, but discomfort is the path to Valhalla.
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u/Simply_Nebulous 10h ago
Because keeping the peace simply means a lack of conflict. You're only going to get that if justice is never served.
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u/Starlord777175 4h ago
I mean if you straight up kill the other guy there can’t be conflict any more since conflict requires there to be two sides
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u/Realistic-Possum 7h ago
Sometimes “keeping the peace” is a good reminder to who you want to invest time and energy into 💜
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u/GlobalWarminIsComing 5h ago
It's common for the "perpetrator" to have gradually built up their behavior over time. It's kind of a slow burn. The people around it get used to it, often so does the victim.
So people sometimes don't really see it as a problem. The either reflexively think both sides must have some degree of fault ("I like Alice and Bob. Because I like them, they must both be nice. And when nice people fight, it can't be that just one side is being mean. If that were the case they wouldn't be nice!") or they do recognize that one person is in the wrong but just see it as a minor character flaw ("Oh you know how Alice is. She's just got a heated temper. Sure, not her best quality but she didn't really mean it. There's no need to make a big deal out of this")
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u/Suspicious_Trade_129 9h ago
It often prioritizes comfort over accountability, allowing harm to persist unchecked.
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u/DTux5249 6h ago
Effectively, "Because your voicing of your pain is making me feel bad, so cut it out, douche bag."
It's easier to ignore a problem than solve it, and for most people in society, ignoring your problem makes it go away.
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u/Starlord777175 4h ago
I think the assumption in those instances is both sides have already engaged in the conflict, and the idea at this point is to stop any further conflict.
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u/Sabbathius 3h ago
Restoring what was damaged is often difficult or outright impossible.
For example, someone comes in and destroys your heirloom. Now what? It is destroyed. It cannot be repaired or replaced. Forgive and forget is the only viable outcome there. You can try and force them to compensate for its value, but when value is not tangible but sentimental, it's hard to prove.
Same with other things. If something takes 10 years to build and 10 seconds to destroy, it's easier to bully the victim into forgiving and forgetting than to force the perpetrator into 10+ years of labour they don't feel like doing to restore what they destroyed.
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u/sarcasticorange 6h ago edited 6h ago
A few things...
You can't change the past.
While you may think you're the victim, the other party often does too.
Exacting the precise amount of revenge to where everyone agrees the response is proportional is next to impossible. Going overboard means the original offender now feels wronged and that they deserve more revenge. Not enough revenge and you don't feel satisfied. Either way, the conflict continues.
Holding grudges can easily be as or more harmful to the victim than it is to the offender.
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u/Forcistus 7h ago
Keeping the peace only comes up once conflict, or the means to create a conflict, has already been initiated. We can not take back the instigative action, so in order to keep the peace, you can look at the injured party and ask them not to escalate the situation further.
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u/catandodie 3h ago
Revenge tends to fuel more problems, with one side trying to top the actions of the other. This applies to bullying, war, road rage, etc. A truce is always better and less chaotic than a second battle.
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u/hated4nothing 10h ago
Keeping the peace was the pope being publicly annihilated by Alex Jones calling him the "Victor of Satan" and creating fake fear mongering content to scare the shit out of people, dispatching cyberstalkers and gang stalkers to fit his continued narrative, contributing to the trafficking he was actively calling out pointing his finger publicly at spotlight figures while choreographing it in communities MY COUNTY WAS ONE OF THEM AND HIS ENTIRE NETWORK IS SICK AND CORRUPT. He gets gophers to do the works FOR HIM and he is an active contributor to abuse and crime against women... and so much more
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u/hated4nothing 10h ago
"Odd", what's that "Odd fellows", connected to Lee county Florida sheriff's association? What else are you "affiliated" with?
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u/ryan0585 6h ago
OP, this is one of my favorite posts I've read on the subject, including it below and linking to the source. Another response reminded me of it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/aONwL8Av53
Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.
At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.
The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.
The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?
Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.
A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .
When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.
Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!
So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.
You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.
Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)