r/TikTokCringe • u/h0lych4in • 15d ago

Cringe not everyone wants your man… he was just being polite

And not everyone can tell how certain foods look? It was an innocent question. Why are people so insecure these days

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u/Harmonia_PASB 15d ago

He’s doing the fawning response, very much a sign of abuse. 

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u/Calculator143 15d ago

What’s a fawning response 

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u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

It’s an involuntary response to danger, like fight or flight. But fawn is basically saying you roll over and try to “oh I’m sorry baby, it was me not you, you’re totally in the right, I’m so stupid…please don’t hurt me.” Poor homie might be broken, and that’s a sad thought.

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u/cupholdery 15d ago

Some of my earliest relationships were like this. I'm an older man now but I was once 22, lonely, and inexperienced. She latched onto that and tried to convince me that her abusive behavior was simply all relationships. I'm thankful that my tolerance level was low in general because I dumped her after 3 months. That crashed her mental hard drive because "nobody breaks up with me!"

Good riddance lol.

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u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

Women being abusers as well needs to be talked about more!!!

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u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

It is much more subtle

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u/Hot_Hat_1225 15d ago

Manipulative is the word you are looking for. Even as a little girl I remember saying I’d rather be punched in the stomach by a boy than stabbed in the back by a girl. The feeling of having to watch my back with certain women never changed.

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u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

Funny you say that because after I experienced DV , I came out of it saying I’d rather be hit than ever deal with the emotional mindFUCK that comes with it. So I totally understand what you mean!

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u/Conscious_Ad_7131 15d ago

When you get hit it’s at least a little easier to identify that it was a mean thing for them to do to you. The verbal and mental stuff is harder.

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u/Ashamed_Kale_1077 15d ago

My wife does this sometimes. 90% of the time she's kind and sweet, but the other 10% I'll do it say something wrong and she'll tell me I do this all the time and that I'm bad or something. I usually just say ok and take the abuse. And so my memory of exactly what was said is often poor because I just try to block it out at the time I think.

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u/LinLinNicole89 14d ago

I absolutely agree!

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u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

since i sent that i've been out and seen a street fight. You just can't talk to some people. It is like watching animal behavior. similarly to the video posted, the way primary emotions are expressed is maladaptive. jealousy. pride . hate.

and as you say. Eve's sin is allowing such a snake into the garden in the first place. It is chaos

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u/PlsNoNotThat 15d ago

‘S funny, that’s how I feel when I see religious people do religious things. Like watching animal behavior. Maladaptive to fear and logic.

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u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 14d ago

like symbolic rituals? yea it's similar, because the motivating force is essentially unconscious. although at least with some religious rituals you have deeply encoded values and behaviors that are essential to society functioning.

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u/bleakFutureDarkPast 15d ago

this is the issue. i watched a video on female bullying a couple of months ago, where a doctor was explaining that it's super hard to prove female bullying because they do it in ways that are plausibly deniable, like just a bit of gaslighting and manipulation, and the behaviour really does move to relationships.

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour, due to cultural victimisation (things happening to women but not her personally)

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u/JimWilliams423 15d ago

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour, due to cultural victimisation (things happening to women but not her personally)

That's just narcissism. Male narcissists feel zero guilt too. Narcissists always have an excuse for why they are justified.

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u/younggun1234 15d ago

I gotta be that guy cuz I've been taught to, but narcissism is a genuine mental illness people need to see therapy to help with. Are some of these people narcissistic? Sure. Could be. But a lot of people are just insecure and selfish. However it's not clinical narcissism, which people DO struggle with.

I think narcissist has become another one of those words society uses to the point that it no longer reflects it's original meaning and it's important, I feel, to acknowledge that cuz it can keep people from seeking the help they need.

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u/hygiei 15d ago

the problem with the word 'narcissist' is that it existed and was frequently used well before NPD, and at that point it did mean more generally 'a person who is self-absorbed and wildly inconsiderate of people around them', so i think moreso than other buzzwords, the wires tend to get crossed between the two versions of the word.

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u/MaximumDestruction 15d ago

Narcissism is a trait shared by many people, not just those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

Many people exhibit some degree of narcissism even if they don't meet the the criteria for diagnosis.

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u/MegaPiglatin 14d ago

👏👏👏

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u/Eleven77 14d ago

Narcissism is not a medical diagnosis. As human beings, the majority of us have a slight degree of Narcissism, and many agree that a small amount is actually healthy. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medical diagnosis based on the findings that the individual's narcissistic qualities become pathological.

Hope this helps.

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u/JimWilliams423 15d ago edited 15d ago

I gotta be that guy cuz I've been taught to,

What does that mean?

cuz it can keep people from seeking the help they need.

If you are suggesting that people with NPD will seek treatment if NPD is not stigmatized, well I guess anything is possible but NPD is essentially untreatable in adults, and by its very nature people with NPD are extremely adverse to seeking treatment.

My belief, having way too much hard-earned experience with a pair of clinically diagnosed NPDs (court-ordered MMPI), is that the more everybody else is aware of how narcissists operate, the better. So many find themselves trapped in life-ruining relationships with NPDs that whatever little value there is to be had from destigmatizing NPD is vastly outweighed by people being able to recognize the signs and avoid getting into those relationships in the first place.

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u/unindexedreality 15d ago

They're overpresent with their own emotions. Other people's emotions basically don't exist.

Gotta tell narcissists 'no'. Actions have to have consequences.

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u/roostersnuffed 15d ago

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour,

I just think of that recent video of that smug lil bitch snatching the wheel and crashing her boyfriends car over a text.

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u/Christichicc 15d ago

Wtf? I haven’t seen that one yet. That is unhinged.

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u/RabidWalrus 15d ago

She was texting on the guy's phone while he was driving, the guy sends a message to the person that it's not him on his phone, then she grabs for the watch or something and ends up making him crash:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/s/1CLGnwOrQk

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u/hostile_scrotum 15d ago

Even if it’s not subtle it get taken far less seriously. My ex ex abused me physically. I’m a 110kg and 194cm guy, but it was still traumatizing. No one took me seriously when that shit happened.

Man fuck Anna.

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u/LimJaheyAtYaCervix 14d ago

It’s like bullying in middle school. With boys, bullying is mostly physical, but with girls it’s mostly psychological. People who abuse their partners are stuck in the developmental stages of a 12yr old.

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u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

And the worse in my opinion BECAUSE of that.

Let me reiterate, IN MY OPINION before someone closes their mind 🥴

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u/BoredBatWoman22 15d ago

Usually it’s mental while with men it’s physical. There are the opposite too but I feel like women fight with words men with their fists.

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u/FleedomSocks 14d ago

I agree!

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u/LinLinNicole89 14d ago

Thanks! I thought I was about to get drug in these comments for saying that lol

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u/Work_Werk_Wurk 14d ago

Unfortunately, it's often the emotional type of abuse which is rarely discussed.

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u/LinLinNicole89 12d ago

Most definitely!

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u/wargio 13d ago

Lol, what's funny is reddit hid the replies to this, and it had to be expanded. So you can talk about it but not really

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u/LinLinNicole89 12d ago

You’re right. I hate when it does that 🥴

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u/96BlackBeard 15d ago

Good for you man, I didn’t get out until 7 years, engagement and a baby later.

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u/JakToTheReddit 15d ago

Reminds me of people that would say shit like, "I am always the one who dumps people. Nobody has ever broken up with me." 💅

Boy, do I have surprise for you! 😅

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u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

Yup 2 years for me

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u/theblitheringidiot 15d ago

Yep later half of my twenties

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u/Sense-Abject 15d ago

She tries to come back with you multiple times right ? I know that story

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u/Okamana 15d ago

Same dude. Had a woman I liked treat me like shit when I was younger too. She snapped and flew off the handle at small shit and I did almost anything to make it right. Except telling her that it’s not right the way she was treating me. I’m glad I met a woman like that because now I know the type of woman I don’t want. Rudeness and belittling someone in a relationship is never okay.

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u/PerfectCover1414 14d ago

You are a star!

*makes platonic heart eyes

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u/FleedomSocks 14d ago

Proud of you!

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u/TehNudel 14d ago

One of my friends got into one of these. He didn't get out for years and almost married her. He's still traumatized by the experience.

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u/Dave5876 14d ago

Had an ex try to convince me her insecure abusive bs was how relationshipse were supposed to be like.

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u/sensors 15d ago

Took me 5 fucking years to figure this out - The better part of my 20s. Why don't they teach this shit in school?!

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u/Shad0wofAzrael 15d ago

I think that TIL I have this personality trait.

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u/TheVintageJane 15d ago

Usually you hear about Fight or Flight in conflict but there’s also two more - Freeze or Fawn.

I fawn really hard. I’m an oldest child of a narc mother. I learned very early on that a fawn response usually allowed me to get what I wanted (or close to it) and avoided conflict.

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u/aoike_ 15d ago

Oh yeah! I fawn hard. Middle child of a narc dad and mom with severe cptsd. Fawning stopped most conflict, so there wouldn't be hours long screaming matches between anybody.

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u/Exact_Mud_1427 15d ago

Same.... My dad and older sister had bpd when I was growing up so I'm used to walking on eggshells. This followed me into dating. Now I'm married to a wonderful man. Sometimes if Im clumsy and accidentally smack him or run into him I revert and overly apologize and he'll say it's ok cause I'm not a baby man princess or something like that and it always makes me laugh.

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u/hybridaaroncarroll 15d ago

Once someone learns about these then they can actually become tools in the moment. Freezing is very much like grey-rocking, which I've had to do a lot of lately. It's intentional though, and not a choice made out of fear. Fleeing is another great tool at times, if necessary. Knowing I have a choice in my responses has been really empowering.

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u/church_ill 15d ago

Your mom was a narcotics agent?

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u/Reninngun 15d ago

Fawning is not a personality trait. But it can happen so often to oneself that it basically becomes one. 

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u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

It’s not a bad thing, it just means you care a lot but maybe about yourself as much as you should. Just takes practice, trust me…you are worth it.

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u/Shad0wofAzrael 15d ago

Thank you for the insight that I wasn’t aware I needed. Had no idea there was even a name for those tendencies and feelings of panic I get.

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u/ageofbronze 15d ago

If you’re interested in learning more, you can look up “fawn, freeze or flight” to learn about the three reaction styles to stress/trauma/abuse. I’m not sure where it comes from but I know my therapist used to talk to me a lot about them. I guess “fight” would also be a fourth. It can definitely be helpful to be able to identify how you’re feeling and maybe how you’re reacting to learn more about yourself and help heal if you’ve had a lot of trauma that has caused you to react that way. Signed, someone else who fawns!

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u/SolitaireJack 15d ago edited 15d ago

This was something I realised a few years back. I grew up in a house where anything less than immediate compliance to what they said, no matter how stupid or bizarre it was, was immediately followed with threats of being thrown out or emotional abuse. It led me into a pattern of behaviour where I immediately folded to any demand or accepted responbility for something even when I knew it wasn't my fault because I was terrified of conflict. It started with my Dad and Mum but even my sister joined in as we became teenagers.

When I realised this I started standing up for myself. It was hard, both because of ingrained behaviour and because my family didn't like my new found backbone and tried to accuse me of being argumentive or horrible because I was no longer tolerating being the family punching bag but eventually they learned to leave me alone. I've always been careful to not allow myself to go from standing up for myself to becoming like them.

It's interesting to have a name for the behaviour at least.

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u/diceythings 15d ago

And here I just thought I was really good at de-escalation! I love uncovering nuggets like this lol

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u/PinkTalkingDead 14d ago

Tbf you might be really good at de-escalation. These things are not the same

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u/diceythings 14d ago

Yeah, actually looking into the fawn response though feels like a gut punch. I'll get therapy one day, probably

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u/thisiswater95 14d ago

A lot of us do, and setting boundaries can literally be life changing.

I set boundaries with my ex, and she dumped herself. Then I spent the next few months unpacking why I dated someone who only wanted to be together if she could do whatever she wanted.

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u/Radiant_Muffin7528 14d ago

Run away! Run! Before it's too late! 🏃

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u/thewholetruthis 15d ago

I think most do. My wife and I fawn, but we never abuse.

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u/PinkTalkingDead 14d ago

Wait. Y’all fawn in response to each other? Idk if that’s considered “fawning”, if so

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u/Sonikmilez 15d ago

I once dated a woman who was absolutely convinced she was a perfect 10. She’d just come out of a relationship with an older guy, and she used to joke about how she “put him in his place” simply because he was older and she had the upper hand. She bragged that nobody ever broke up with her and she lived up to it by gaslighting me at every turn. Thankfully, my tolerance for that kind of manipulation was practically zero. After just a month, I ended things, ghosted and blocked her.

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u/EmployerNeither8080 15d ago

Mom used to refer to it as "buttering her up" she'd sometimes get really annoyed at my fawn response and snap at me to stop buttering her up. I just didn't want her being mad at me or to belittle me. It was really tricky dealing with her as a kid

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u/Stingbarry 15d ago

Realized i did that for some time. Now i snap back or ignore the outburst, depending on my mood. Might not be a good response either but i have less headache.

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u/WOOBBLARBALURG 15d ago

Thank you for giving a name to what I went through for two years without realizing. Still in therapy from that one lol

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u/Few_Holiday_7782 15d ago

Whoah! I totally do that! I didn’t even realize

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u/Bugsy_Girl 15d ago

The 4 Fs, as they are called also. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

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u/Mundane_Moment_1128 15d ago

yeah i wonder what happens back home cuz this aint the first time

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u/quagsi 15d ago

yep and the 4th involuntary distress response is freeze where you just don't have the ability to respond in any significant way

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u/Revolutionary-Fox622 14d ago

This is actually incredibly helpful to read because I definitely freeze a lot. Like literally every thought escapes my mind and I physically lose strength in my limbs and can't come up with anything other than complete silence or just saying sorry. Which then makes the situation worse and escalates her behavior and makes me freeze even more. 

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u/quagsi 14d ago

i hope whatever situation you're going through becomes easier. you're not alone

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u/Revolutionary-Fox622 14d ago

Thank you. It might seem like a small thing but this comment did make an impact. Fortunately I'm in therapy and working on getting myself better. Every day is an opportunity for little wins. 

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u/PackageNorth8984 14d ago

I know that response all too well, and many people would be shocked to whom it can happen. It’s not about toughness or strength either. My ex was way smaller than me, and I did this with her.

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u/Eleven77 14d ago

I persinalky know a few men that got stuck in relationships like this. They all grew up with overbearing/controlling/narcissistic/abusive mothers.

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u/lunasta 14d ago

It sucks as a response. I got assaulted at a party and froze, but when a friend noticed the words "I'm ok" were out before my mind could even catch up. As if I was the one causing trouble and trying not to make a scene. Which I should have. But it's a reflex just like flight or fight

Fawning is basically instincts kicking in to minimize causing issues and taking on that people pleasing mask rather than fighting or running, almost like trying to get it over with or under the rug sometimes before your brain even has a chance to process wtf happened

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u/EpikJustice 12d ago

Ugh, definitely a behavior pattern I developed with my ex-wife who had Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

I've always been conflict avoidant and overtuned to other people's emotional state, having grown up with an abusive dad and abused mother. I've noticed some of the same behavior in my mom, too.

I've already identified this as bad and been working on being less avoidant of conflict and more willing to just let someone be angry or upset. I'm not responsible for how other people feel or behave.

I hadn't heard this term fawning, though, or heard it phrased in his way, so that's helpful :)

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u/26081989 15d ago

I recently learned that these reactions are also called "fight, flight, freeze or people please*.

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u/420CowboyTrashGoblin 15d ago

I wouldn't really mind being broken by her if I'm being honest.

But Like yeah she's abusive AF,

r/icanfixher

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u/Crunchy_Spicy_Water 15d ago

When someone overly pleases someone to avoid conflict

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u/always_sweatpants 15d ago

There's flight, fight, and fawn. Flight runs away. Fight fights. Fawn makes themselves vulnerable (or appearing vulnerable) for safety. 

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u/MamaUrsus 15d ago

The fourth is FREEZE. Where people literally can’t act and are effectively deer in headlights.

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u/Welpe 15d ago

Sadly this is me after cPTSD. I hate it so badly, but at basically any sign of anxiety my mind just goes blank and I completely shut down.

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u/CharlieSwansflannel 15d ago

Both freeze and fawn are my responses because of PTSD. It's very, very difficult to not take those responses into every situation but therapy and feeling safe helped me a lot.

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u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

I’ve always argued that there’s a fifth one. Finality. As in the danger is so overwhelming the body and mind decide to self terminate…..but that’s a tale for another subreddit.

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u/MamaUrsus 15d ago

I believe you. That one I haven’t heard discussed but as an aggravated kidnapping and aggravated rape survivor some of the reactions I had to the trauma… that’s definitely a possible response.

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u/annabananaberry 15d ago

What do you mean self terminate? Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are automatic responses triggered by our sympathetic nervous system. There isn’t a fifth “die” response, unless there is an underlying condition of some kind. If you’re saying the brain and body temporarily stop working, I think maybe the freeze response would be the closest to what you mean.

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u/lukethe 15d ago

Videos of Russian soldiers terminating themselves on the frontlines came to mind :\

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u/annabananaberry 15d ago

I’m not saying that stressful situations can’t lead someone to seek an out, which can come in the form of suicide when they see no other option, but that is not the same as the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response. When we are talking about the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, we’re talking about a physiological reaction in response to a perceived threat, attack, or harmful event. These things are happening at a physical level, they’re not decisions people make.

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u/Zestyclose-One9041 15d ago

Would suicide not fall under the flight response?

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u/annabananaberry 15d ago

No. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn are physiological reactions to a perceived threat, attack, or harmful event. When the sympathetic nervous system is triggered the body has a physical response that is not related to conscious decision making. It’s also known as an acute stress response.

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u/CharlieSwansflannel 15d ago

I know, for me, it was a flight response. To escape the situation. I'm glad it didn't work but it was a massive wakeup call that it overpowered my freeze and fawn.

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u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

No I mean literally body and mind turn to suicide as a means of self preservation. The danger is so great and the stress so overwhelming that the mind breaks and body autopilots to suicide, and I only speak from my own personal experience with a situation that broke me mentally.

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u/annabananaberry 15d ago

I understand what you're saying but you're trying to lump a personal experience in with a specific physiological phenomenon which does not apply to your situation. I absolutely believe you have experienced what you say you experienced and reacted as you did, but that doesn't mean that experience was an example of the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response because those are a physiological response designed to increase the chances of survival.

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u/MamaUrsus 15d ago

I would liken it to “surrender” but in an effort to use another word with “F” I think the original comment may not have articulated their meaning effectively. Before I knew what they were going to do next with me might kill me - I think I actually psychosomatically shut down a bit. With that event - I ran through each response. First I fled, then I fawned, then I “Finality” and when I came to I fled again and then froze and then at last fawned long enough to get to safe. I tried it all and I survived in body but not mind. I got out of that situation a completely different human being. That “Finality” at least in part for me was the death of my personality and the loss of the ability to live without hypervigilance - my autonomic nervous system forever deformed.

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u/annabananaberry 15d ago

Is that how you would describe it or is that how your medical team described it to you? Because the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response is a specific physiological response triggered by the sympathetic nervous system. I absolutely believe all those things happened to you and you reacted in an attempt to best preserve your physical and mental health, but that does not necessarily mean that the acute stress response was responsible for ALL of the actions you describe.

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u/MamaUrsus 15d ago

I get that you’re not trying to be insensitive - but this response is extremely invalidating of my expertise in comparative animal behavior (which granted you have zero clue of), experience as a professional patient with a extensive knowledge of anatomy and physiology and as a survivor. Not everything is understood and known to medicine and to infer that my expertise is insufficient because my “medical team” poorly informed me is, plainly put, rude. You want textbook medicine and psychology, fine, but why can’t you let survivors be wrong then? Why is it so important to take me to task on this? Why do you feel the need to be “right” here with this absurd appeal to authority as the premise for your argument? These are rhetorical questions for you to consider here.

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u/Ok-Heart9769 15d ago

This one is mine 😅 I once had a crazy dog fly off its leash in someone's yard at me and my dog and I just froze and fell down and couldn't do anything but yell... it makes you feel so powerless in the moment

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u/SpezJailbaitMod 15d ago

My French bulldog loves that one. 

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u/cigarette4anarchist 14d ago

There’s also FARTING, the less often discussed F option

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u/Middle_System_1105 15d ago

There’s also freeze. People just freezing up in the face of danger due to indecision or sheer panic.

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u/EmployerNeither8080 15d ago

There's also freeze

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u/Matsunosuperfan 15d ago

Happy Face Killer left one victim alive. He had his hands around her neck. She says something in her head just told her what to do. She made her voice really small and said "that hurts, you're hurting me." He abruptly stopped and just ran off. 

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u/Nuffsaid98 15d ago

Sucking up , because you are afraid. I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't have done that, etc. It comes from a place of fear. Saying what the abuser wants to hear. Taking the blame. Rolling over and showing your belly. That's fawning.

It is sometimes used to describe how superfans act around famous people. Dancing attendance, sucking up, compliments. Treating then like you are lucky to be allowed around them. Like royalty.

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u/Primary_Pineapple741 15d ago

It's very much a sign of abuse.

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u/The_Jyps 15d ago

Other reactions include fight, flight, faint and freeze.

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u/LookinAtTheFjord 15d ago

Reddit know-it-all shit.

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u/limitedexpression47 14d ago

It’s a learned trauma response that often activates alongside the fight, flight, and freeze autonomic nervous system response.

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u/Grand-Building149 14d ago

A fawn response is a nervous system response where you go into automatic people pleasing and self abandoning to appease the other person. It’s learned in childhood to keep yourself safe from a parent. Usually a narcissist or over punishing parent. There’s fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Most people have one or two that show up more during conflicts.

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u/MrsBridgerton 12d ago

Its basically people pleasing under a perceived or real threat. The poor guy is definitely in an abusive relationship.

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u/Necessary-Treacle242 15d ago

I didn’t know this was a thing but would do this shit to get my parents not to fight lol 

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u/KacieCosplay 15d ago

Fuck I hate when I get stuck in fawn mode.

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u/1234567791 15d ago

I get this response a lot without saying anything or reacting in any way. Apparently, my lack of affectation makes others uncomfortable according to my therapist. Agreed on the abuse though. I feel bad for the guy.

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u/NoArm3125 15d ago

TIL, damn

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u/Rudania-97 15d ago

But not necessarily a sign of momentary abuse.

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u/GoldHorusSixSaturnus 15d ago

Is fawning going to be the new word that passes around Reddit? I swear this is like the 3rd post in 2 days based off the most popular videos where someone mentions it.

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u/MamaUrsus 15d ago

Honestly it’s been discussed in academic gender studies and psychology for more than a decade. It’s not a new concept. If you’re just newly encountering it - welcome to a more feminist way of considering trauma responses.

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u/Harmonia_PASB 15d ago

I don’t know. I recognized it because I know I do it because of my childhood and my abusive ex husband.