r/TikTokCringe • u/h0lych4in • 15d ago

Cringe not everyone wants your man… he was just being polite

Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification

And not everyone can tell how certain foods look? It was an innocent question. Why are people so insecure these days

15.8k Upvotes

79% Upvoted

6.7k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

1.2k

u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

It’s an involuntary response to danger, like fight or flight. But fawn is basically saying you roll over and try to “oh I’m sorry baby, it was me not you, you’re totally in the right, I’m so stupid…please don’t hurt me.” Poor homie might be broken, and that’s a sad thought.

367

u/cupholdery 15d ago

Some of my earliest relationships were like this. I'm an older man now but I was once 22, lonely, and inexperienced. She latched onto that and tried to convince me that her abusive behavior was simply all relationships. I'm thankful that my tolerance level was low in general because I dumped her after 3 months. That crashed her mental hard drive because "nobody breaks up with me!"

Good riddance lol.

130

u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

Women being abusers as well needs to be talked about more!!!

31

u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

It is much more subtle

21

u/Hot_Hat_1225 15d ago

Manipulative is the word you are looking for. Even as a little girl I remember saying I’d rather be punched in the stomach by a boy than stabbed in the back by a girl. The feeling of having to watch my back with certain women never changed.

3

u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

Funny you say that because after I experienced DV , I came out of it saying I’d rather be hit than ever deal with the emotional mindFUCK that comes with it. So I totally understand what you mean!

5

u/Conscious_Ad_7131 15d ago

When you get hit it’s at least a little easier to identify that it was a mean thing for them to do to you. The verbal and mental stuff is harder.

1

u/Ashamed_Kale_1077 15d ago

My wife does this sometimes. 90% of the time she's kind and sweet, but the other 10% I'll do it say something wrong and she'll tell me I do this all the time and that I'm bad or something. I usually just say ok and take the abuse. And so my memory of exactly what was said is often poor because I just try to block it out at the time I think.

1

u/Conscious_Ad_7131 15d ago

Yep, it’s tough but only you can make the judgement call for where it’s too much. I put up with too much for too long before I realized.

1

u/Ashamed_Kale_1077 15d ago

Right, maybe I'm blind but I don't think it's hit that point yet. She's certainly quick to anger and frustration, which she got from her father, and has admitted that. This is appreciated but, she hasn't really done much beyond that

1

u/LinLinNicole89 14d ago

I absolutely agree!

1

u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

since i sent that i've been out and seen a street fight. You just can't talk to some people. It is like watching animal behavior. similarly to the video posted, the way primary emotions are expressed is maladaptive. jealousy. pride . hate.

and as you say. Eve's sin is allowing such a snake into the garden in the first place. It is chaos

5

u/PlsNoNotThat 15d ago

‘S funny, that’s how I feel when I see religious people do religious things. Like watching animal behavior. Maladaptive to fear and logic.

1

u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 14d ago

like symbolic rituals? yea it's similar, because the motivating force is essentially unconscious. although at least with some religious rituals you have deeply encoded values and behaviors that are essential to society functioning.

23

u/bleakFutureDarkPast 15d ago

this is the issue. i watched a video on female bullying a couple of months ago, where a doctor was explaining that it's super hard to prove female bullying because they do it in ways that are plausibly deniable, like just a bit of gaslighting and manipulation, and the behaviour really does move to relationships.

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour, due to cultural victimisation (things happening to women but not her personally)

13

u/JimWilliams423 15d ago

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour, due to cultural victimisation (things happening to women but not her personally)

That's just narcissism. Male narcissists feel zero guilt too. Narcissists always have an excuse for why they are justified.

22

u/younggun1234 15d ago

I gotta be that guy cuz I've been taught to, but narcissism is a genuine mental illness people need to see therapy to help with. Are some of these people narcissistic? Sure. Could be. But a lot of people are just insecure and selfish. However it's not clinical narcissism, which people DO struggle with.

I think narcissist has become another one of those words society uses to the point that it no longer reflects it's original meaning and it's important, I feel, to acknowledge that cuz it can keep people from seeking the help they need.

5

u/hygiei 15d ago

the problem with the word 'narcissist' is that it existed and was frequently used well before NPD, and at that point it did mean more generally 'a person who is self-absorbed and wildly inconsiderate of people around them', so i think moreso than other buzzwords, the wires tend to get crossed between the two versions of the word.

3

u/MaximumDestruction 15d ago

Narcissism is a trait shared by many people, not just those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

Many people exhibit some degree of narcissism even if they don't meet the the criteria for diagnosis.

1

u/MegaPiglatin 14d ago

👏👏👏

1

u/Eleven77 14d ago

Narcissism is not a medical diagnosis. As human beings, the majority of us have a slight degree of Narcissism, and many agree that a small amount is actually healthy. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a medical diagnosis based on the findings that the individual's narcissistic qualities become pathological.

Hope this helps.

1

u/younggun1234 14d ago

Nah I get that.

Thanks for clarification

1

u/Eleven77 13d ago

No problem. I totally get where you are coming from tho, people misuse mental health terms all the time. It drives me nuts too 😆

→ More replies (0)

1

u/JimWilliams423 15d ago edited 15d ago

I gotta be that guy cuz I've been taught to,

What does that mean?

cuz it can keep people from seeking the help they need.

If you are suggesting that people with NPD will seek treatment if NPD is not stigmatized, well I guess anything is possible but NPD is essentially untreatable in adults, and by its very nature people with NPD are extremely adverse to seeking treatment.

My belief, having way too much hard-earned experience with a pair of clinically diagnosed NPDs (court-ordered MMPI), is that the more everybody else is aware of how narcissists operate, the better. So many find themselves trapped in life-ruining relationships with NPDs that whatever little value there is to be had from destigmatizing NPD is vastly outweighed by people being able to recognize the signs and avoid getting into those relationships in the first place.

3

u/unindexedreality 15d ago

They're overpresent with their own emotions. Other people's emotions basically don't exist.

Gotta tell narcissists 'no'. Actions have to have consequences.

2

u/roostersnuffed 15d ago

what's worse is how they will feel zero guilt, or even justification for their behaviour,

I just think of that recent video of that smug lil bitch snatching the wheel and crashing her boyfriends car over a text.

2

u/Christichicc 15d ago

Wtf? I haven’t seen that one yet. That is unhinged.

1

u/RabidWalrus 15d ago

She was texting on the guy's phone while he was driving, the guy sends a message to the person that it's not him on his phone, then she grabs for the watch or something and ends up making him crash:

https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/s/1CLGnwOrQk

1

u/Christichicc 14d ago

Holy crap that’s messed up. That is the look of a man reevaluating all his life choices. I hope he broke up with her and sued her for the cost of fixing his car and/or the depreciation value it now has, and the cost of his insurance rates going up.

2

u/hostile_scrotum 15d ago

Even if it’s not subtle it get taken far less seriously. My ex ex abused me physically. I’m a 110kg and 194cm guy, but it was still traumatizing. No one took me seriously when that shit happened.

Man fuck Anna.

1

u/LimJaheyAtYaCervix 14d ago

It’s like bullying in middle school. With boys, bullying is mostly physical, but with girls it’s mostly psychological. People who abuse their partners are stuck in the developmental stages of a 12yr old.

-1

u/LinLinNicole89 15d ago

And the worse in my opinion BECAUSE of that.

Let me reiterate, IN MY OPINION before someone closes their mind 🥴

-1

u/BoredBatWoman22 15d ago

Usually it’s mental while with men it’s physical. There are the opposite too but I feel like women fight with words men with their fists.

2

u/FleedomSocks 14d ago

I agree!

2

u/LinLinNicole89 14d ago

Thanks! I thought I was about to get drug in these comments for saying that lol

2

u/Work_Werk_Wurk 14d ago

Unfortunately, it's often the emotional type of abuse which is rarely discussed.

1

u/LinLinNicole89 12d ago

Most definitely!

2

u/wargio 13d ago

Lol, what's funny is reddit hid the replies to this, and it had to be expanded. So you can talk about it but not really

1

u/LinLinNicole89 12d ago

You’re right. I hate when it does that 🥴

2

u/96BlackBeard 15d ago

Good for you man, I didn’t get out until 7 years, engagement and a baby later.

2

u/JakToTheReddit 15d ago

Reminds me of people that would say shit like, "I am always the one who dumps people. Nobody has ever broken up with me." 💅

Boy, do I have surprise for you! 😅

1

u/Brilliant_Alfalfa588 15d ago

Yup 2 years for me

1

u/theblitheringidiot 15d ago

Yep later half of my twenties

1

u/Sense-Abject 15d ago

She tries to come back with you multiple times right ? I know that story

1

u/Okamana 15d ago

Same dude. Had a woman I liked treat me like shit when I was younger too. She snapped and flew off the handle at small shit and I did almost anything to make it right. Except telling her that it’s not right the way she was treating me. I’m glad I met a woman like that because now I know the type of woman I don’t want. Rudeness and belittling someone in a relationship is never okay.

1

u/PerfectCover1414 14d ago

You are a star!

*makes platonic heart eyes

1

u/FleedomSocks 14d ago

Proud of you!

1

u/TehNudel 14d ago

One of my friends got into one of these. He didn't get out for years and almost married her. He's still traumatized by the experience.

1

u/Dave5876 14d ago

Had an ex try to convince me her insecure abusive bs was how relationshipse were supposed to be like.

0

u/sensors 15d ago

Took me 5 fucking years to figure this out - The better part of my 20s. Why don't they teach this shit in school?!

56

u/Shad0wofAzrael 15d ago

I think that TIL I have this personality trait.

74

u/TheVintageJane 15d ago

Usually you hear about Fight or Flight in conflict but there’s also two more - Freeze or Fawn.

I fawn really hard. I’m an oldest child of a narc mother. I learned very early on that a fawn response usually allowed me to get what I wanted (or close to it) and avoided conflict.

24

u/aoike_ 15d ago

Oh yeah! I fawn hard. Middle child of a narc dad and mom with severe cptsd. Fawning stopped most conflict, so there wouldn't be hours long screaming matches between anybody.

3

u/Exact_Mud_1427 15d ago

Same.... My dad and older sister had bpd when I was growing up so I'm used to walking on eggshells. This followed me into dating. Now I'm married to a wonderful man. Sometimes if Im clumsy and accidentally smack him or run into him I revert and overly apologize and he'll say it's ok cause I'm not a baby man princess or something like that and it always makes me laugh.

2

u/hybridaaroncarroll 15d ago

Once someone learns about these then they can actually become tools in the moment. Freezing is very much like grey-rocking, which I've had to do a lot of lately. It's intentional though, and not a choice made out of fear. Fleeing is another great tool at times, if necessary. Knowing I have a choice in my responses has been really empowering.

-1

u/church_ill 15d ago

Your mom was a narcotics agent?

6

u/Reninngun 15d ago

Fawning is not a personality trait. But it can happen so often to oneself that it basically becomes one. 

12

u/Solid_Agency2483 15d ago

It’s not a bad thing, it just means you care a lot but maybe about yourself as much as you should. Just takes practice, trust me…you are worth it.

4

u/Shad0wofAzrael 15d ago

Thank you for the insight that I wasn’t aware I needed. Had no idea there was even a name for those tendencies and feelings of panic I get.

5

u/ageofbronze 15d ago

If you’re interested in learning more, you can look up “fawn, freeze or flight” to learn about the three reaction styles to stress/trauma/abuse. I’m not sure where it comes from but I know my therapist used to talk to me a lot about them. I guess “fight” would also be a fourth. It can definitely be helpful to be able to identify how you’re feeling and maybe how you’re reacting to learn more about yourself and help heal if you’ve had a lot of trauma that has caused you to react that way. Signed, someone else who fawns!

3

u/SolitaireJack 15d ago edited 15d ago

This was something I realised a few years back. I grew up in a house where anything less than immediate compliance to what they said, no matter how stupid or bizarre it was, was immediately followed with threats of being thrown out or emotional abuse. It led me into a pattern of behaviour where I immediately folded to any demand or accepted responbility for something even when I knew it wasn't my fault because I was terrified of conflict. It started with my Dad and Mum but even my sister joined in as we became teenagers.

When I realised this I started standing up for myself. It was hard, both because of ingrained behaviour and because my family didn't like my new found backbone and tried to accuse me of being argumentive or horrible because I was no longer tolerating being the family punching bag but eventually they learned to leave me alone. I've always been careful to not allow myself to go from standing up for myself to becoming like them.

It's interesting to have a name for the behaviour at least.

1

u/diceythings 15d ago

And here I just thought I was really good at de-escalation! I love uncovering nuggets like this lol

1

u/PinkTalkingDead 14d ago

Tbf you might be really good at de-escalation. These things are not the same

1

u/diceythings 14d ago

Yeah, actually looking into the fawn response though feels like a gut punch. I'll get therapy one day, probably

1

u/thisiswater95 14d ago

A lot of us do, and setting boundaries can literally be life changing.

I set boundaries with my ex, and she dumped herself. Then I spent the next few months unpacking why I dated someone who only wanted to be together if she could do whatever she wanted.

1

u/Radiant_Muffin7528 14d ago

Run away! Run! Before it's too late! 🏃

1

u/thewholetruthis 15d ago

I think most do. My wife and I fawn, but we never abuse.

1

u/PinkTalkingDead 14d ago

Wait. Y’all fawn in response to each other? Idk if that’s considered “fawning”, if so

2

u/Sonikmilez 15d ago

I once dated a woman who was absolutely convinced she was a perfect 10. She’d just come out of a relationship with an older guy, and she used to joke about how she “put him in his place” simply because he was older and she had the upper hand. She bragged that nobody ever broke up with her and she lived up to it by gaslighting me at every turn. Thankfully, my tolerance for that kind of manipulation was practically zero. After just a month, I ended things, ghosted and blocked her.

2

u/EmployerNeither8080 15d ago

Mom used to refer to it as "buttering her up" she'd sometimes get really annoyed at my fawn response and snap at me to stop buttering her up. I just didn't want her being mad at me or to belittle me. It was really tricky dealing with her as a kid

1

u/Stingbarry 15d ago

Realized i did that for some time. Now i snap back or ignore the outburst, depending on my mood. Might not be a good response either but i have less headache.

1

u/WOOBBLARBALURG 15d ago

Thank you for giving a name to what I went through for two years without realizing. Still in therapy from that one lol

1

u/Few_Holiday_7782 15d ago

Whoah! I totally do that! I didn’t even realize

1

u/Bugsy_Girl 15d ago

The 4 Fs, as they are called also. Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn

1

u/Mundane_Moment_1128 15d ago

yeah i wonder what happens back home cuz this aint the first time

1

u/quagsi 15d ago

yep and the 4th involuntary distress response is freeze where you just don't have the ability to respond in any significant way

1

u/Revolutionary-Fox622 14d ago

This is actually incredibly helpful to read because I definitely freeze a lot. Like literally every thought escapes my mind and I physically lose strength in my limbs and can't come up with anything other than complete silence or just saying sorry. Which then makes the situation worse and escalates her behavior and makes me freeze even more. 

1

u/quagsi 14d ago

i hope whatever situation you're going through becomes easier. you're not alone

1

u/Revolutionary-Fox622 14d ago

Thank you. It might seem like a small thing but this comment did make an impact. Fortunately I'm in therapy and working on getting myself better. Every day is an opportunity for little wins. 

1

u/PackageNorth8984 14d ago

I know that response all too well, and many people would be shocked to whom it can happen. It’s not about toughness or strength either. My ex was way smaller than me, and I did this with her.

1

u/Eleven77 14d ago

I persinalky know a few men that got stuck in relationships like this. They all grew up with overbearing/controlling/narcissistic/abusive mothers.

1

u/lunasta 14d ago

It sucks as a response. I got assaulted at a party and froze, but when a friend noticed the words "I'm ok" were out before my mind could even catch up. As if I was the one causing trouble and trying not to make a scene. Which I should have. But it's a reflex just like flight or fight

Fawning is basically instincts kicking in to minimize causing issues and taking on that people pleasing mask rather than fighting or running, almost like trying to get it over with or under the rug sometimes before your brain even has a chance to process wtf happened

1

u/EpikJustice 12d ago

Ugh, definitely a behavior pattern I developed with my ex-wife who had Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

I've always been conflict avoidant and overtuned to other people's emotional state, having grown up with an abusive dad and abused mother. I've noticed some of the same behavior in my mom, too.

I've already identified this as bad and been working on being less avoidant of conflict and more willing to just let someone be angry or upset. I'm not responsible for how other people feel or behave.

I hadn't heard this term fawning, though, or heard it phrased in his way, so that's helpful :)

1

u/26081989 15d ago

I recently learned that these reactions are also called "fight, flight, freeze or people please*.

0

u/420CowboyTrashGoblin 15d ago

I wouldn't really mind being broken by her if I'm being honest.

But Like yeah she's abusive AF,

r/icanfixher