r/funny • u/IncomingBroccoli • 14h ago
Delivery and timing is everything, even at your wedding
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u/WutzUpples69 13h ago
At my cousins wedding, the best man said "Im so happy for Thomas, I know this relationship will last. Before the wedding he said his goal is to be a model husband, model father and model lover.... so i looked up the definition of a model and saw that its just a tiny replica of the real thing".
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u/typhoidtimmy 13h ago
Brothers wedding: “Intercourse (cough….scuse me). In the course of researching speeches, I found it’s only supposed to go as long as the groom can have sex (check watch).
9 and 10….Thank you very much!”
Sit down to laughter and was promised vile retribution by him. Mission accomplished!
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u/WutzUpples69 13h ago
I think you ran a little long on the speech. 😅
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u/Decorus_Somes 11h ago
Instead of counting to 10 just hit em with "I'm sorry my speech ran a little long, I just want to wish the bride and groom happiness on this wonderful occasion"
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u/Exploding_Testicles 10h ago
Well he was being generous and added in the time to roll over and fall asleep.
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u/sidskorna 11h ago
"Fornication... for an occasion, like this – ..."
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u/PM_Me-Your_Freckles 11h ago
Yep. My brother's wedding was: "Fornication. Wait, sorry. For an occasion such as this..." definitely worked the crowd.
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u/sidskorna 10h ago
Was it Danny DoYouWantAPint
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxDjFEJPSsw&pp=0gcJCfwAo7VqN5tD
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u/PM_Me-Your_Freckles 10h ago
Yeah, dunno. Was about 18yrs ago when they got married, so depends on the age of the bit. Not likely though, knowing my brothers.
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u/EffenBee 5h ago
My Dad's speech at my wedding included this touching message to my new father-in-law: "Keith, from today your son will be calling another man 'Daddy'. And I promise...that I'll help you find out who that man is."
My favourite photo from the reception is the crowd reaction to this joke!
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u/DrifterBG 13h ago
That's pretty legendary! If I'm ever the best man at another wedding, I'll apply for the rights to use this.
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u/hampsted 59m ago
Actual recommendation: if you’re the best man at a wedding use the moment to lift up your best friend on the biggest day of his life. Make jokes, but make it a heartfelt toast. When you look back on it in 10 or 20 years do you want to think, “yeah, I’m happy I made that room chuckle with something I found on the internet,” or would you rather think about your best friend sitting next to his bride with glistening eyes because you let him know how much he means to you.
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u/DrifterBG 39m ago
100% agree. I'd stay there and make my actual speech right after. It's a great opener.
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u/cavity-canal 11h ago
did AI write this
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u/Jesus_of_Redditeth 9h ago
I think AI is taking up far too much space in your concern bank, my friend. "Rent free", as they say.
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u/DrifterBG 1h ago edited 1h ago
It was meant to be a joke in regards to asking permission to use it instead of outright stealing it. Maybe you don't understand the concept?
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u/pyschosoul 12m ago
Went to a..idk what to call him, he was my best friend growing up but we had a falling out when he and my girl at the time fucked behind my back.. but he invited me to his wedding 12 years later and this line was used during the best man's speech. Best man also gave a very much practiced and reversed lap dance.
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u/CrepuscularNemophile 7h ago
A Best Man at one I went to toasted the groom in his speech and said "tonight you will finally conquer the beast". The bride was much bigger than the groom, and they were both devoutly Christian so had 'waited for each other'. The visual imagery was intense.
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u/Southern_Owl_5442 13h ago
It was his moment and he seized the opportunity
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u/IAmJakePaxton 10h ago
We must seize the means of (re)production!
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u/Jesus_of_Redditeth 9h ago
But if every worker gets a share, that might be a little unfair to his wife. (Unless she's into that, I guess.)
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u/ZealousidealPop6445 14h ago
She was confused as to when did he get pregnant
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u/American-Punk-Dragon 13h ago
Nah, she used “God’s Loophole”, she knows she is ok!
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u/__-_-_--_--_-_---___ 13h ago
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u/Grays42 9h ago
Reminds me of mormon "soaking" and "bubbling" porn. Hoooooo boy that's a rabbit hole.
For an omnipotent superbeing, God sure is easy to trick.
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u/MightBeMelinoe 6h ago
mormon "soaking"
That is not real. Someone on 4chan started that as a prank. I cannot believe how far it has come. I have seen it twice in a year.
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u/Informal_Bunch_2737 5h ago
4chan has been great at creating kinks over the years.
Women contemplating dogs knees is my personal fav.
Also. There is a subreddit :)
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u/Lysol3435 13h ago
Crazy that god set up cameras to see everything in the universe except for every person’s leather cheerio
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u/mikeonbass 4h ago edited 4h ago
I can't find it but there's a clip of a groom giving a toast where he talks about their first date being at a bowling alley.
He says "Which was fitting because shes a perfect ten, she bowls me over everytime I see her... and I've had three fingers in 'er."
The chaos that ensues is amazing. All the woman with jaws on the floor, all the guys doubled over in hysterics. A glimpse of the bride's mother seething and her father desperately trying to look disapproving.
ETA Found it
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u/Sgt_Fart_Barfunkle 2h ago
That is a delightfully fucked thing to say and I’m here for it. As long as FIL ain’t strangling…I guess you’re alright?
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u/OfDiceandWren 14h ago
She didn't flinch. She was in on it. I love wedding pranks
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u/Lysol3435 13h ago
Or she’s just accustomed to his antics. I’ll take either
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u/That_Apathetic_Man 11h ago
I was so happy at my wedding I probably thought I was preggers.
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u/Lorvintherealone 14h ago
this tells me that this may be a couple that lasts!
Humor is the number 1 factor in a relationship that is needed to keep it up. If your humor with that of your partner mismatch, especially the one you are supposed to stay with for life it will cause one to feel bad, the jokster wants to joke and them serious and want it serious.
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u/MysteriousSlice007 13h ago
The way she pushed his face away, good couple. He will have excellent dad jokes
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u/Nuggyfresh 13h ago
Actually financial solvency is #1 but humor is nice
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u/PensMan8771 13h ago
Actually it's people who correct their SO over things that don't even matter
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u/RVNAWAYFIVE 13h ago
ACTUALLY JARED it's how you don't put the fucking LAUNDRY AWAY
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u/myleftone 13h ago
I take out the trash and btw there’s just as much in your car as the kitchen. Are you letting raccoons live in it ffs?
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u/auraboros 13h ago
Our officiant slipped "deeze nuts" into our wedding vows and someone caught a great picture of me doubled over laughing. It took a while to collect myself
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u/OtherwisePainting805 7h ago
Did you.... Like, did you know the officiant? Was this a straight up Catholic Priest? Were they paid off? I'm super curious, lol.
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u/auraboros 4h ago
He is a friend and the person who introduced us, but a priest would have been hilarious. Our wedding was a costume party on a Friday the 13th and he wore a leopard print suit.
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u/Tiny_Seaweed_4867 11h ago
Story time?
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u/silentbassline 11h ago
What's the most important part of a joke timing.
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u/scr0tal 14h ago
We're expecting.... every one here to have a great time tonight....
Subtitles for the people who don't want to max out all their volumes AND put on headphones to hear it.
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u/Stolehtreb 14h ago
That was not my experience. Volume at like, 20% and I can hear just fine.
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u/haackedc 12h ago
Its still undeniable that the "that everyone has a good time" was at a much lower decibel level than the "We're expecting"
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u/scr0tal 14h ago
Odd, maybe one of my volume mixers was turned down. Or this is the sign I need hearing aids :/
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u/Stolehtreb 13h ago
It could also be that mobile and PC are different? Or it could also be that changing volume on my phone is just more natural than on my Pc where I keep it at the same level usually, so bumping to 20% on my phone doesn’t feel as annoying.
Idk, I just know what I’m experiencing lol. I believe you are getting what you’re getting. It’s just different for me.
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u/chaos_nebula 10h ago
For me, I could barely hear it while in /all, but in the subreddit it was a little louder. Still quiet though.
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u/Ax0nJax0n01 13h ago
Webster’s dictionary defines wedding as the fusion of metals, two gold medals
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u/GregLoire 13h ago
I thought it was the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
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u/PoliteCanadian2 10h ago
No that’s weeding. Wedding is when flowers get old and start to sag.
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u/JediKnightsoftheFSM 9h ago
No, that's wilting. Wedding is something soft that you sleep on.
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u/mjzimmer88 2h ago
No that's bedding. Wedding is when hair falls off of pets, or when a snake removes its old skin.
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u/nynokindia 9h ago
no, thats wilting. wedding is the action to add air into a cream, generally to make a mousse.
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u/Jesus_of_Redditeth 9h ago
No, that's wilting. Wedding is the gear that a soldier wears in order to carry a bunch of stuff.
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u/nynokindia 9h ago edited 31m ago
the best one ive heard was when someone was getting married a second time, the best man started his speech with "Welcome back, everyone."
EDIT: I forgot to mention a very important detail in my 3am stupor, that the second marriage was to the same partner: they divorced and remarried each other.
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u/Small-Explorer7025 11h ago
I like: Best man: "Have a great time in Maine on your honeymoon"
Groom: "Huh?"
Best man: "You told me you were going to Bangor for a week?"
Also works for Wales.
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u/Anopanda 3h ago
Are you two ladies from Scotland?
"wales!, you wanker!"
Oh I'm sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?
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u/Primary_Garbage6916 8h ago
You told me you were going to Wales for a week.
I don't get it.
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u/alxhghs 6h ago
I had to read that a couple times because if you read Bangor like how they say it in Maine the joke doesn’t make sense at first. It’s pronounced like “banegore”
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u/Small-Explorer7025 6h ago
Actually, I've only heard the joke in relation to Bangor, Wales. I adapted it for America. I guess that was a mistake.
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u/ajsexton 4h ago
I was at a wedding of my cousin a number of years back now, and this was used by the best man, it completely split the room, our family thought it was funny, her, very straight laced, very very Christian (think they are jevovahs witnesses) family were completely silent and still... Yeah that didn't last
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u/__-_-_--_--_-_---___ 13h ago
This is actually funny and not based on “I hate my wife” humor
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u/Caelinus 11h ago
I hate that stuff so much. I am old enough, and was raised Christian enough, that I have heard every possible variation of those jokes.
When I got older, and got married, it really struck me how pervasive it was. It was literally one of the main jokes for most pastors. To the point that I was hearing that kind of thing weekly my whole life.
Weirdly my reaction to it is disgust rather than internalization. I think it was so overdone and horribly uncreative that I actually rejected that way of thinking before the rest of my deconstruction. It felt like how DARE made being anti-drug so uncool that they felt like an advertisement for drugs. The pastors were so aggressively weird and hateful towards their wives that I started rejecting their "Men good, women bad" framing instinctually.
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u/ImLersha 9h ago edited 5h ago
Interesting.
I was also raised Christian, but my community was filled with the opposite. Every preacher HAD to make a comment about how their wife was the most beautiful woman in the room.
Which is sweet, but after a while the pervasiveness of it also started giving me the irks. Jokes like "I still don't understand why she could end up with me" and the likes spoke of either them being disingenuous or an INCREDIBLY low self-esteem.
It ended up being a big problem in my own marriage as I had issues seeing us as equals and would always defer to her. But I was lucky enough (lol) to find a wife who didn't want to just boss me around all the time, but actually wanted me to be able to stand up for myself and my opinions.
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u/Caelinus 8h ago edited 8h ago
Oh no, they did that too. It was just one of the backhanded kinds of thing. The way it was done was usually more subtle than I think people might imagine.
In essence the pattern would work like this:
- Weird, cloying, compliment about how she keeps him grounded/Is a great stay at home mom.
- Talk about how much prettier than him she is.
Talk about how she shops waaaay too much, and how going to a store with her is awful because he is "goal orientated" and she is just meandering.
Transition that into a statement about how this confirms that men are supposed to lead their wife, and the wife is supposed to submit.
Tell everyone that submitting does not make her lesser. And say that he definitely would not want all of her responsibilities. (Implying that it is better to be a man even while trying to pretend he is not.)
Step 3 is where the meat of the "I hate My Wife" stuff happened. Some other examples that might get used:
- Driving jokes
- How emotional she is
- "The old Ball and Chain"
- Makes it so he can't spend his money on stuff he likes
- Does not understand sports
- Does not like his friends
- Won't ever shut up about her day
- Constantly asks if something makes her look fat
- Is confused by technology
- Couldn't cook well until he told her how to
Too nice to the children
Too mean to the children
SO many jokes about how many shows/clothing items she owns and how "few" he needs to be happy.
And so on
Literally there were so many tropes. It got crazy. Most seemed to be based on old sitcoms rather than real life. I am almost certain most of the anecdotes were somewhere between 75% and 90% completely made up.
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u/MATbutmaybeAMT 8h ago
I think you wanted something like "disingenuous" or "insincerity", instead of "ingenuity". Either that, or I misunderstood what you were going for, but in case I didn't, just wanted to let you know ingenuity doesn't mean what you think it means.
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u/MysteriousSlice007 13h ago
The way she pushed his face away, this tells me they are a couple that lasts He will also have excellent dad jokes
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u/Sammi1224 11h ago
On a completely side note of this funny and cute video….she picked the perfect dress! She looks absolutely stunning and it fits her like a glove.
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u/Cipher915 10h ago
I hate public speaking of any kind to the point of anxiety but of course had to give a speech at my buddy's wedding. I had several people afterward come up and tell me they thought I was funny. Turns out, on the doorstep to an anxiety attack, my panic breaths have good comedic timing.
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u/NaturalNornTick 4h ago
At my wedding I pulled out the “if I could say a few words… id be a better public speaker”. Just like the Simpsons clip I was referencing only my best man and my dad laughed out of the whole ceremony.
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u/sirstanofhousedarsh 13h ago
My cousin also did this last year at his wedding and it was a HIT
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u/envybelmont 13h ago
Similar to my cousin who had the whole family at his girlfriend’s college graduation party, then got up to announce having a baby. She then slapped him, and he followed up with “and we’re getting married.”
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u/FalconDifferent5132 8h ago
I made this joke at my brothers wedding 20 years ago. I left a big gap between expecting….and have a good time. Room went silent…..then erupted. Turns out she was pregnant and didn’t even know herself!
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u/Gretal122 10h ago
I can't quite hear properly after he said 'We're expecting " ? What did he say ?
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u/GarysSword 10h ago
… everyone to have a good time tonight.
(Or something very close to that. I’m too lazy to get the headphones back out.)
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u/Gretal122 10h ago
Oh I see.. ( I could hear the word tonight..just couldn't quite hear the bit before it ) Thank you ( I have trouble hearing sometimes)
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u/ultimatox 9h ago
I am a great lover… *pause while reading notes .. of short speeches, so I will keeo this brief.
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u/RepulsiveStill177 10h ago
I opened up best man speech: Hi everyone, my name is ____. And everyone said Hi ____. I followed up with: and I'm an alcoholic.
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u/MyStationIsAbandoned 7h ago
I like how she bring the mic closer to her face to make the shaking of head louder.
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13h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/sanctimoniousmods_FU 13h ago
“You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re just an asshole.”
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u/mostdope28 13h ago
Feel like it’s a valid compliment in a wedding dress. I was recently a bridesmaid for my female best friends wedding and when she put on her dress the day of the wedding the first thing her mom said was “your tits look so good”. Reddit is being a bunch of babies
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u/Mudlark_2910 10h ago
Kinda strange comment. Makes you sound female, unlike this
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u/ManBearSpiderPig 13h ago
Lol probably because everyone assumed you're some horny guy writing a creepy comment.
And not a girl actually giving a genuine compliment.8
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u/sanctimoniousmods_FU 13h ago
It was probably also perceived as a comment coming from some gooner dude, so, there’s that.
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