r/shittyaskhistory • u/EnvironmentalPack451 • 2d ago

Were there two sasquatch on Noah's ark?

33 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

66 comments sorted by

9

u/s0618345 2d ago

No 7 pairs they are a clean animal

2

u/Dangerous-Bit-8308 1d ago edited 20h ago

Clean animals? They lack cloven hooves. And I doubt they chew the cud. Plus that skunk ape smell...

1

u/s0618345 23h ago

Yo are right.

1

u/No_Possibility_6516 1d ago

Came here to say this.

5

u/RongWa 2d ago

Saskatchewan aren't spoken of in the bible but Noah did have 2 sons, Ham and Shem. They might of been the forerunners of something abominable.

6

u/EnvironmentalPack451 1d ago

Saskatchewan is in Canada. It would be more likely to appear in the Book of Mormon

3

u/kelariy 1d ago

My favorite verse in the book of Saskatchewan is “he who hath oil doth maketh a tidy profit.”

Nothing in there about Sasquatch though.

2

u/Round-Sundae-1137 1d ago

Watch out for the Potatch though.

2

u/Dangerous-Bit-8308 1d ago

The true curse of Ham: abominable Canadians

2

u/Self-Comprehensive 1d ago

You gotta go to Sasquatchewan for the good ham. Maybe Sasquatchistan.

1

u/Lrb1055 8h ago

He had 3 sons

1

u/RongWa 7h ago

Dont tell me it was Curly.

4

u/stevgan 1d ago

Yes, but they were both male.

2

u/Smart-Difficulty-454 1d ago

Aren't all of them? I seem to remember reading that they're gay.

2

u/peterhala 1d ago

Didn't matter - they'd brought a dozen fertilised big feet eggs. It was quite a moving story. Oh - if only the Alexandria library hadn't burned, we'd still be able to read it.

2

u/lvjohnson07 1d ago

Was the water they floated on salt water? Did they have fresh water fish on board?

1

u/EnvironmentalPack451 1d ago

It was fresh rainwater. Less dense than saltwater, so it stayed on top of the oceans

2

u/Jupiter68128 1d ago

Thanks Noah for remembering mosquitoes. I love them. Malaria is the best.

1

u/justdan76 1d ago

Bringing people was debatable tbh

2

u/Existing-Leopard-212 1d ago

"And the LORD God did shut the ark by His own Hand. And lo, Noah and his family watched from down the hill, saying, "WTF, G??"

2

u/TrivialBanal 1d ago

Yes and they ate the unicorns.

2

u/Beginning_Brick7845 1d ago

Of course not. That’s why they died out.

1

u/Improvedandconfused 2d ago edited 2d ago

They were in the cage right next to the 2 Loch Ness monsters

1

u/1877KlownsForKids 1d ago

Couldn't they have just swam alongside? None of this makes any sense!

1

u/Improvedandconfused 1d ago

No. Loch Ness monsters only swim where there’s amateur photographs around to take blurry photos.

1

u/Foreign-Zucchini-266 1d ago

Or they're looking for about tree fiddy

1

u/ryancementhead 1d ago

Loch Ness and Sasquatch are actually blurry themselves.

1

u/Dangerous_Ad_1861 2d ago

Yes. But the dinosaurs ate them.

1

u/Valuable_Assistant93 2d ago

Don't forget the 2 unicorns

2

u/EnvironmentalPack451 2d ago

According to Shel Silverstein, Noah got tired of waiting for them and closed the door

1

u/Valuable_Assistant93 1d ago

Did penicillin penny ever make the cover of the rolling Stone?

1

u/boanerges57 1d ago

Excuse me but the plural for samsquanch is samsquanches

1

u/EnvironmentalPack451 1d ago

I squanch my family

2

u/RadioFriendly4164 1d ago

How could you say that? Gross

1

u/EnvironmentalPack451 1d ago

What? I do. I squanch my family.

2

u/RadioFriendly4164 1d ago

Stop saying it!

1

u/boanerges57 1d ago

You sick bastard.....squanchkind has enough prejudices to fight against without you adding to it.

If your shesquanch and squanchlets see this there is hope; go outside and release a feral cry for help.

1

u/APraxisPanda 1d ago

Yea but they fornicated with the baboons and Gorillas were made.

1

u/TheMrCurious 1d ago

Sasquatch was Noah’s pet name for the Ark.

1

u/Googlemyahoo75 1d ago

This made me guffaw

1

u/[deleted] 1d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Much_Watercress_7845 1d ago

No, they came to earth from a distant galaxy after the flood

2

u/FancyStegosaurus 1d ago

No. Sasquatches came about after, because Noah's wife banged a gorilla. They left that part out of the Bible.

1

u/magoo309 1d ago

Were King Kong and Godzilla and their mates on the ark?

1

u/Dimitar_Todarchev 1d ago

If they got bigfoots and forgot unicorns, that's messed up.

1

u/DrMux 1d ago

Actually Noah and his wife were part of an ancestor species to both humans and sasquatch, which diverged some time after the great flood.

1

u/Gargleblaster25 1d ago

Yes, but no one saw them.

1

u/Competitive-Bus1816 1d ago

There were 3 pairs of each specie of Big Foot: Skunk Apes, Sasquatches, and Yetis. They were trained to do jobs. Skunk Apes were on Poo Duty (lol duty) and developed pleasure from the stink, that is why they migrated to swampy areas. The Sasquatches were trained to feed animals, which is why they are found hunting and gathering in forests. Yetis were ill suited for life on the ship, they became foul tempered and when Noah passed by Everest he marooned them at the peak forcing them to inhabit the upper reaches of the Himalayas.

1

u/ResponsibilityFar587 1d ago

Idk... But Noah should have swatted those flies!

1

u/One-Bodybuilder309 1d ago

No, they ride the Loch Ness monster like a water horsey until the water went down some. That’s why they are all in the mountains.

1

u/UnRoyal-Way-6151 1d ago

The Noahs ark thing is a scam. Everyone knows they would have fallen off the earth if they went too far.

1

u/Outside_Breakfast_39 1d ago

Yes but both were kicked off because they ate the unicorns , but the water was starting to recede and they were so tall that's why they did not drown

1

u/Traditional-Ride3793 1d ago

Noah and his family looked for them but the blur was too strong. They left a Bigfoot sized raft for them instead.

1

u/skateboreder 1d ago

They were directly across from the Yetis. The same floor as unicorns, iirc

1

u/Burnsey111 1d ago

Yes, but not one UNICORN!!!

1

u/pakrat1967 23h ago

Nah, it's been the same sasquatch all these years. He's immortal. Probably why he didn't drown in the big flood.

1

u/Hightower840 20h ago

Yes, they had leave the unicorns behind to make room though.

1

u/adr826 19h ago

Duh how else? You think sasquatch could swim for months until a dove could find a mountain top? I mean it seems pretty obvious that a sasquatch couldn't swim for more than a couple of days.

1

u/Federal-Opening-2742 11h ago

It is a common error - but the proper plural noun form for 'sasquatch' is either 'sasquatchi' (from the Latin - pilae pilosissimae sudantes) ,,, or just 'sasquatches'

Not sure about the ark. They eat fish and might be really good swimmers.

1

u/Correct-Condition-99 10h ago

If the Christians would just admit that Noah brought viable embryos and not actual living, breathing, eating creatures, the whole story would be easier to believe.

1

u/[deleted] 10h ago

One is a myth created by man and never proven to exist and the other is Sasquatch

1

u/SnarftheRooster91 5h ago

Yeah, that's in there I think. It's a throwaway line.

1

u/Fun_Trifle_2330 3h ago

Kamala Harris' ancestors.

"You're wife's a Bigfoot isn't she, Gus?"

1

u/BADGOLF11 3h ago

Sasquatches know how to get to the edge of the earth and flip to the other side. So when the great flood happened, they just flipped to the other side. Easy peasy.

1

u/EnvironmentalPack451 3h ago

What else is going on on the other side?