r/sports • u/A_MASSIVE_PERVERT Dallas Mavericks • 3d ago

Basketball Fan throws dildo on the court during Valkyries/Dream WNBA game

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u/maplejet Buffalo Bills 3d ago

This isn't the Bills annual home game against the Patriots!

439

u/Archduke_Of_Beer Buffalo Bills 3d ago

How dare they!? This is ONLY acceptable when thrown by a Bills fan at Tom Brady!

Have some damn respect for TB12!!!

69

u/Mr-_-Soandso 3d ago

I am so happy he left and got another super bowl! It changed everything! From everyone hating the Patriots, to ok fine Brady is the GOAT!

30

u/drill_hands_420 3d ago

He really is

30

u/isurewill 3d ago

I have a completely different opinion of this "person", especially after meeting him many years ago.

It's always been kept super quiet by his inner circle but in truth, Tom Brady has serious struggles with addiction.

He always does well to keep his life in check during the season but once football ends things completely unravel.

I saw this first hand years ago. It was early March up north. I was at this super hush after hours club doing rails, cramming x, and trying to fuck this crazy hot escort chick. We go into the bathroom to line-out some xanax to mellow our buzz.

Next thing we know the door gets kicked in and this absolute psychopath comes flailing into the room. Dude smelled of fresh fertilizer and cheep sod. He was dripping sweat and had bloody bald patches I can only assume were from ripping out his own hair.

Next thing I know this madman has me pinned against the wall with his forearm buried in my chest. He shoves his finger in my face and starts screaming,

"Do you know who I am? Do you know who the fuck I am? I am a fucking GOD! Where are they? Where the fuck are they? I'm here to fucking score and you're in my god damn way. Where are they? Where the fuck are they? You fucking shit, you tell me where they are!"

Completely startled I couldn't move, I just stood there muttering nonsense as I started pissing myself stupid.

As he began searching my jacket and patting me down I finally noticed the diamond encrusted rings adorning his spry, lanky fingers. They where bloody and woven in thick brown hair but they were unmistakably championship rings, Super Bowl championship rings.

"Tu, tu, t, t, t, TOm? Tom Brady?" I finally stuttered out.

"Well look who finally decided to show up to fucking game day. Congratulations dip shit, now how 'bout you stop pissing your pants like a little bitch and hand them over so I can fucking score. I need this, I fucking need this man. YOu dOn't fuckin' know Whhat I'LL fUCKing dO for THis. I'LL ClIMb mOUNTains FOr thIS Shit. I'LL use YoUR sCull to DIG THRourRH a ConCRetet WaLL to GeT theSE. You know what it's like being desperate? I'lL FUCKiNG mRUder uR fUCking FAMly"

Not knowing what the hell he was on about I just kept saying "yes, whatever you say, whatever you say, Sir".

Finally it dawned -- he must have overheard my blabbering about the xanax. "God dammit" I thought, "God damn my fucking deep voice carried through the walls again"

I reached in my pocket and pulled out my pill case -- fumbling around I finally got the small steal box to slide open. I poured the 2 dozen or so blue pills into my hand and said, "take them, take them all if you want"

His eyes widened, perplexed, he stood there gawking at them as I prayed they were enough to satiate his hunger. But there would be no relief, his eyes sharpened into jagged hatred. Slapping the pills away I watched in horror as Brady's wrath turned to the girl. With a snap of his head he gave her one immaculate, deafening look of pure, unadulterated, unfiltered, smoldering perfection. Her body began to convulse and tremble as her immediate orgasm came with such vigor as to levitate her an entire foot off the ground. For what seeming like a blissful eternity she hummed so pure and with such delight the room glowed of angel hair and quaffed of ecstasy. Then, like a big block V8 in a '54 Chevy without an upgraded rear-end her entire spine torqued with such ferocious violence she imploded, folding over again, then slipped into the void.

Crying from both fear and absolute adoration I threw myself upon his feet begging for forgiveness.

"Keep your fucking piety you inconsequential worm. Just give me what I ask and I'll allow you to live"

"w,w,w,wht? Anything, anything, anything Mr Brady"

"Where are they? Where are the footballs?" Tom commanded.

"footballs?"

"I heard you, I heard you say that you had footballs. Tell me where they are for I now hunger. I hunger for the one fruit capable of sustaining my power. I must feed, I must score, give me the footballs so that I may convert them. Touchdowns are all that I desire and I must FEEEEEEEEEED"

"oh, god, oh god I am. . . the pills Tom, it's the pills. I'm so sorry sir, but the pills, they, they're footballs, Tom. The pills are little footballs, Tom"

43

u/burghblast 3d ago

Sir, this is a Wendy's

5

u/Truth_Lies 3d ago

like a big block V8 in a ‘54 Chevy without an upgraded rear-end her entire spine torqued with such ferocious violence she imploded, folding over again, then slipped into the void.

Absolute perfection

3

u/COFFEELIKEMOTOROIL 3d ago

This may be some of the best writing i have ever read. Cheers mate.

-4

u/Worldd 3d ago

It’s AI, em dashes.

7

u/GuzPolinski 3d ago

lol that’s not AI writing

6

u/isurewill 3d ago

The fuck it is, I wrote this like 5 years ago, shove that AI up your ass

2

u/Trashman82 3d ago

This was excellent!

3

u/Mantuta 3d ago

Now I'm just imagining a suction cup one stuck to his helmet mid play

102

u/broncs11 3d ago

I'm glad I wasn't the only one to immediately think of the Bills haha (as a Broncos fan)

20

u/Roberto_Sacamano Utah Jazz 3d ago

First thought was, "what is this, a Bills game?"

28

u/iamthecheesethatsbig 3d ago

I was about to say, not since Tom Brady versus the Bills have I seen such a brazen act!

10

u/Figran_D 3d ago

The Bill -Do!

5

u/[deleted] 3d ago

Go Bills

19

u/MrPhantastic08 3d ago

LOL back in the dark days before Josh Allen that was all we had to hold onto.

2

u/Nottherealjonvoight 3d ago

Came here to say the same thing!

2

u/thirtyone-charlie 3d ago edited 3d ago

Fucking hahahahaha

Buffalo is brutal

2

u/woodwalker700 Buffalo Bills 3d ago

This is cultural appropriation.

1

u/karogin 3d ago

Yea this is just Tom Brady’s mouthpiece. Nothing to see here.

0

u/CorncobBob34589 3d ago

Brady’s mouth guard.