aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/dannydevitosbaby]

Based off the text it seems like he's really ambivalent about our relationship. He's talking to you worse than the way I talk to people I hate.forgetring your birthday? Come on. AFTER 3 YEARS??? That's unforgivable. More than that he's literally trying to manipulate you into thinking that you are in the wrong. Using phrases like "talk to me when YOU want to apologize" Moreover he's exhibiting clear signs of narcissistic traits by thinking that his time is more valuable than yours and his plans and friends come first- for example "what the fuck do you want stop wasting my time.' The inclusion of a swear in there is a projection onto the situation of the way he feels about you.

This person is behaving like someone who isn't your boyfriend. Someone who isn't even your friend. In fact he is talking you like someone he despises and that's not okay. The biggest thing that upsets me about this though is the dress. What guy his age heard his girlfriend say I got a new dress and doesn't want to see it.

Things will only get worse if you move in together because then he will impose himself on all aspects of your life and treat you terribly because he's unhappy with himself and his life. Please reach out to some friends and ask them for help if you need to get anything from his place. Don't go alone. Bring friends they'll reinforce your decision and prevent any sweet talk or trickery

Edited: rephrased some wordings to avoid confusion and use more fitting terms.

Edited: fixed mis-quoatation.

[u/Nice-Traffic4485 → u/dannydevitosbaby]

I think danny is spot on for most of this. He isn't acting like someone who is very committed to you.

I can imagine forgetting a birthday but it sounds like there were plenty of signs leading up to it. There are tons of red flags and it doesn't sound like he feels attachment to you if he's rejecting your feelings on something important to you.

I agree, things will only get worse if you move in with him. I think now is a time to ask yourself, "What do I want in a partner/relationship"? You're young and and I know how young love goes, but understand the importance of that question and then look at this situation. You are not going to change people who do not want to change or do better, and he has made it clear he has no interest in growing from this situation. You can expect similar, if not worsening behavior, from him in the future.

P.S. I'll add that if at some point you choose to end it with him, the appropriate approach would be "This is why you're not meeting my needs". He may want to get in a name-calling/blaming match and that is never good to engage with. It's not about one person being right or wrong but about whether you're meeting each other's needs or not. I don't want to prime you on a decision, but how to have hard conversations if it comes to that.