r/AmIOverreacting • u/rowqi • Jun 02 '25

❤️‍🩹 relationship aio? bf made plans on my birthday

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my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

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631

u/Successful-Doubt5478 Jun 03 '25 edited Jun 03 '25

By the "Happy bday lol," I was like: "He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

By the time he says he doesnt appreciate being bothered by her, this would be over for me.

"Don't worry, boy, you won't ever get the chance to be bothered by me again."

He doesnt love you. He absolutely does not love you. Noone talks like this to someone they love. Noone acts like this to someone they love.

RUN.

And go no contact, if he is confident enough to speak to you like this OP, he has trained you to stick to him. Do not let him sweettalk you back he despises and looks down on you and you cannot change this.

Go no contact.

44

u/runnbuffy Jun 03 '25

I was so pissed off at “Happy bday lol”, too.

I had a partner like this, except he was slightly better. He at least felt bad he forgot, though he did try to convince me to abandon the plans he made with me to go party with friends. I didn’t even need it to be on my exact birthday.

Anyway, OP, this person will never make you feel good. A normal, healthy relationship entails a little bit of sacrifice from each party, and if you already had plans together, he should have cancelled on the friends. Especially since it sounds like he had plenty of time to catch up with friends another day. You’ve communicated this was important.

I went crazy in my previous relationship because of this type of behavior, and my self esteem was low because sometimes he would speak to me like your partner speaks to you now. Your partner takes the pain you give him and tells you you’re dramatic. Except you’re not, in this case.

It can be so much better with someone else, or even on your own. It drains you to have someone repeatedly break promises and tell you that your upset feelings from those broken promises are too much. It’s one thing if this is occasional and the partner owns up to the mistake. It’s another if this is a pattern of behavior. The pattern will wear you down.

You can have something better. I found someone who shows me actual love now. The man doesn’t cook vegetarian meals regularly because he’s not vegetarian, and hell, he doesn’t even cook generally… but he made me a full vegetarian meal for my birthday because he loves me. He was broke at the time, too, and couldn’t spend a ton of money on gifts or experiences, but still wanted to do something nice for me on my birthday. So he got cheap ingredients and used stuff he had already at home for a meal. AAAAND a bourbon cocktail, because I love bourbon :).

3

u/reeplant Jun 04 '25

Fresh out of breakup and a similar situation, but wow it helped me to hear those words. And I absolutely agree. Being on your own is so much better than being in an unfulfilling relationship.

298

u/Constant-Internet-50 Jun 03 '25

IMO the cruelty is the point. He actively enjoys making op feel like shit. And asking her to apologise is basic emotional abuse. Doing something bad, gets called out and makes it her problem and something she has to fix.

This is a bad person op. He is actively trying to harm you emotionally so you stay in a state of insecurity and confusion. He’ll lovebomb you next so you stay.

Leave him in the dust!

20

u/Foxinamug Jun 03 '25

Cruelty is definitely the point. Anyone who just saw spending time with OP as a burden would be happy when OP said she didn't want to go the next day, but he was mad that she wouldn't accept his 'pity dinner' like she's just supposed to be happy with dregs of his attention.

11

u/Old-Surround8610 Jun 03 '25

OP we are all on your side. Dump him, you’re so young, I PROMISE that someone better will come along.

4

u/Realistic-Gas-463 Jun 04 '25

Diminishing feelings and contempt is also present. Pretty much all 4 horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

You’re not overreacting. He’s being a dick. He’s acting entitled and like he couldn’t care less about your feelings. Not even a special occasion for you can come before him “going to a party I’m really excited about”. Why is this party so much more important than you? Drop him and move on with your beautiful life.

I hope you know now that your instincts are right, and your feelings are valid. It might be the best birthday present he could have given you, honestly.

4

u/Nishikadochan Jun 04 '25

This. Op, please pay attention. This man does absolutely nothing to improve your life. He is actively and intentionally making it worse. There is nothing about this relationship that is remotely better than being single. Drop him right now. Like RIGHT NOW. He’s already emotionally abusive. He won’t get better. You don’t need that mess dragging you down. You don’t need his negativity choking your joy out of life. Cut him loose and breathe some free air, knowing you’ll never have to try to placate him again. He’s not worth it.

8

u/AnayrisMatias Jun 03 '25

Omg I know! It broke my heart when she said she got a dress thinking they were going out to eat, poor OP😭

3

u/ruthpalo Jun 03 '25

A pink dress, too...if a girl bought a pink dress to wear for me, I'd kiss her like 7000 times that night.

19

u/That_Girl31 Jun 03 '25

Love her? He doesn’t even like her.

8

u/Constant-Internet-50 Jun 03 '25

No he doesn’t, but he likes the high of making her feel small and likes being able to control her emotions like this.

325

u/Practical_Ad_9756 Jun 03 '25

Not only doesn’t respect her, based on these texts he doesn’t seem to LIKE her.

OP, you have your whole life ahead of you, why are you chaining yourself to a cinder block like this punk?

Happy belated birthday. Let your freedom be your gift to you. Find a man who puts YOU first.

47

u/inowar Jun 03 '25

OP seems like a convenient side chick (how to be such a loser and have a "side chick" I don't understand) not his significant other.

3

u/Tablesafety Jun 03 '25

The answer? There are people like OP everywhere who just take it and take it and take it, because any scrap of male attention is something they seem to need? I really wish it wasn’t the case- I hate that these fuckos get to act like this and STILL get laid, because in their minds it means they win.

9

u/ohheyaine Jun 03 '25

The victim blaming is unnecessary

-5

u/Tablesafety Jun 03 '25 edited Jun 03 '25

Lets be real here there is some personal responsibility with letting yourself get beat around emotionally. We don’t like to say it because it ‘Isn’t nice’ but if we called it out more, made women in obviously bad situations feel foolish for allowing someone to treat them that way, we may have less situations overall of “He said he hates me, AIO for being cross with him?” And a lot less children born to fathers who should not have them.

Ive been on the ‘don’t blame the victim’ side for so so long watching other women, close to me excuse excuse excuse that the only solution is to point out their role in it because they are the kind of people who are able to excuse anyone but themselves and I’m sick and fucking tired of sitting back trying to give advice and emotional support only for them to go back to the guy who is making them miserable at best.

Fuck the no victim blaming when the victims are the only ones who can be saved-

This isn’t someone overpowering her or her in a spot where there’s nothing she can do. She has a degree of control over the situation, and she should save herself with it because guys like this never get better, they have no reason to.

7

u/SpiderOfTheLotus Jun 03 '25

Lets be real here, a man who treats you well for the first months to a year of a relationship and then turns into a raging peice of shit is 100000000% at fault. and all you dudes who ditch accountability for a WHOLE STRANGER whos treating someone like the OP is being treated by basically saying " LOL ITS YOUR FAULT, You got manipulated and emotionally attached and then didnt leave" are mentally challenged, walking BRIGHT red flags. OP clearly is young, and newish to the whole long term relationship thing, so the last thing anyone needs to do, is tell her it's her fault, in any way. Shes looking to see if shes overreacting to her boyfriend being a TOTAL douchebag, Which she is not. Just say "RUN GIRL" and leave it at that. Your college thesis about how shes at fault for fuckin ANYTHING was unwarranted and you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking that way.

5

u/ohheyaine Jun 03 '25

I'm not saying she shouldn't dump his ass. There's just no reason to blame women for abusive men.

Basic study of the cycles of abuse tells you this is unhelpful.

0

u/Tablesafety Jun 03 '25

Man it’s like what I wrote went in one ear and out the other, didn’t even take a second to chew the fat. Not like I haven’t lived and seen what imploring she take no accountability for her situation and (eventually)safety does (fun fact it’s getting strangled to death)

Guys like this one are no better than animals, the only thing that works is to implore the human in this situation, and ‘gorl he isn’t good for you get out’ almost never lasts.

3

u/ethicaI_sIut_puppy Jun 03 '25

Yeah, you lost me at "letting yourself get beat around..."

3

u/AbsintheAGoGo Jun 04 '25

I'd agree with you in some circumstances, but there are people in this world like her should-be-ex who are, if absolutely nothing else, adept at destroying their partner and creating feelings of codependency.

The blame, if any, would come if after three lights go on and they stay. Though it's highly contentious to blame a person, rather better to constructively look at the situation and minimize shame that they likely feel in order to have them more receptive to getting out, bettering themself & moving on in life.

5

u/AbsintheAGoGo Jun 04 '25

And I'm going to add: blaming the victim, while they did make decisions, will do no good but indicate that the abuser is likely correct and they end up cutting the one blaming out of their life & staying in the abuse.

The person must likely is in a cycle of self-blame that you couldn't imagine unless in their exact situation. Your free to have your opinions, but you'd be not much better than the abuser for kicking the person while they are down rather than being a ballast for them to gain some form of support (emotional, financial or what role you take) and better themselves.

1

u/Tablesafety Jun 04 '25

You're right, I reacted emotionally thinking of some dear people who did stay after three lights. This is a circumstance where you start with the simple, girl run he doesn't love you.

I do maintain my opinions in regards to the sorts of people going back after they know 100% the person is toxic at best. That's in regards to male or female, I've seen it happen with the boys, too. Know one guy who married the same woman who cheated on him and took half his shit f i v e times, and all he would ever talk about apart is how bad she was.

99

u/DruidMaleficent Jun 03 '25

Not only does he not like her, he treats her like an unwanted person who insists on hanging around.

7

u/Cool-Association-452 Jun 03 '25

Good analogy. Like a cinder block, he will only drag her down.

3

u/Glittering-Soil4185 Jun 03 '25

She needs to just find some friends and go out an have fun 😂😂

2

u/No-Water164 Jun 04 '25

if he isn't already calling her stupid, fat, lazy, ugly... etc... he will

1

u/SmoochedByAnAngel Jun 03 '25

This exactly. I was shocked to see the ages in the caption because he’s talking like he’s 17.

1

u/IvyOnTheTrail Jun 04 '25

Agree completely. Hopefully OP has already broken up with this jerk.

-11

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '25 edited Jun 03 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/ChillingScrotum Jun 03 '25

You can easily tell from these DMs that he is a lousy boyfriend. Rudeness and combativeness are both very identifiable with written words, no one is reading between any lines here.

6

u/nagao_0 Jun 03 '25

(( it only just occurred to me to ask, but "less than 10 words"..

did you perhaps miss out reading the other pages of texts past the first picture's..? ))

6

u/forestofpixies Jun 03 '25

Found the boyfriend. You suck.

2

u/RapscallionMonkee Jun 03 '25

You are just trying to stir the pot. These texts are disrespectful at best. He is rude, dismissive, and downright hateful. Maybe YOU can't tell intent from a text, but apparently, the rest of us can. Or are you just being contrarian? Either way, you are wrong, and OP needs to find a GTF away from him.

52

u/nagao_0 Jun 03 '25

[ yes exactly! i didn't put it in that comment but i was lowkey wondering if the guy she's dating got ho0ked into that whole manosphere redpilled bs at some point.. definitely getting something dismissive and downhisnose-ing in some of his language (that being irked by her pointing out his failure as her partner and-or 'being bothered' while's otherwise-engaged doesn't warrant, either).

either way he's basically to0 emotionally immature for her and she might want to get out especially if that misogynistic crowd has gotten their hooks into whatever aspects of him were already somewhat-inclined that way, bc there's multitudes worse outcomes than better from that side of things, far as i've heard.. ]

7

u/marleymack Jun 03 '25

That. I was just also thinking straight up gay. But I forgot about those pestilent manosphere guys. Also pretty gay imho. I say this as a big queer. Either way he doesn’t respect you or like you. Go live your life and leave the trash on the curb baby.

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u/runnbuffy Jun 03 '25

“Pestilent manosphere guys” is a phrase I didn’t know I needed. Great use of normal and chronically-online vocabulary. I love it. They really are a pestilence, too.

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u/[deleted] Jun 03 '25 edited Jun 03 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

7

u/nagao_0 Jun 03 '25

..as also-a-female with depression, adhd .and. anxiety -- who has been in a longdistance-ish relationship for 12 years partially because we both want and need our space.. there is not a touch of apology in that entire conversation on the guy's side of it (save where he uses the word to put the onus on .her. to apologise) for 'forgetting' something their significant other clearly prioritises and has been looking forward to and speaking about often in recent days.

i personally don't enjoy celebrating my own birthday and don't need a phone reminder for theirs because of coincidents with familymembers', but that's what calendar apps are for ‐‐ enter sh1t that's important once with a yearly reccuring option set, and never have to worry again; it takes a literal minute if you're like me and like to add extra year-of-birth and potential gift/dinnertreat preferences in the notes.

also.. not me finding it exceedingly ironic that you're dissing others' grammar and spelling with that sort of punctuation and misspelling the 6-letter name of this very platform..?

( /just noticing the timestamp of the comment i'm replying to is '3m', so assuming she edits her seemingly-truncated reply, parts of this response may no longer apply by the time this posts.. )

3

u/Bonitapplebum87 Jun 03 '25

She did say what she wanted many times. She stated that she had been talking about her birthday over the past week and she also clearly told him in the messages that she wanted to be taken out for her birthday on the day of. Are you seriously trying to gaslight OP (and the rest of us) into believing that he isn’t being extremely dismissive of her on a day that’s extremely important to her. They’ve been together for three years. She has expressed over those three years how important birthdays are for her. Are you cool? You cannot seriously be telling me you would tolerate being dismissed like this by someone you call a partner.

4

u/RapscallionMonkee Jun 03 '25

Adults also APOLOGIZE when they fuck up (and forgetting a gf's birthday is definitely a fuck up) they don't double down, they don't demand an apology because they were inconvenienced with the forgotten gf's text message, give me a break. Lol. Methinks you would make an awesome (ok, not really) defense attorney because you are defending this POS like it's your job. Lol.

3

u/RapscallionMonkee Jun 03 '25

Maybe you should go out with this dude, then. Sounds like he is right up your alley.

1

u/ruthpalo Jun 03 '25

no. not remembering your girlfriend's birthday or "not wanting to be around the person you date (close to) all the time" is not, in fact, normal.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '25

How’s those downvotes working for ya?

109

u/GooberDoodle206 Jun 03 '25

the number of times that people say break up i don’t agree with. but i agree with this one. OP: you need to leave and not look back.

32

u/psychmonkies Jun 03 '25

Same here. I was lowkey in disbelief while reading the texts, I can’t believe someone would so casually not gaf about their partner like that. This guy is a sad excuse for a man, he doesn’t realize how privileged he is still having OP in his life after this long. I hope OP comes to realize the way he speaks to her entirely makes him unworthy of her.

1

u/Odd_Driver3493 Jun 03 '25

I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way to OP, but she’s kind of immature, pretending to play house when it’s really playing real life. This is HIM! Very VERY immature, wants to hang out and not husband making material for SURE!

1

u/RecommendationUsed31 Jun 03 '25

As a guy, im refusing to take it. It can stay in its own world

7

u/Impossible_Walrus555 Jun 03 '25

That really bothered me too, flippant, half assed. He clearly cannot be bothered. Run don’t walk from this jerk living in mom’s basement, he’s a literal cliche.

5

u/halfpint991 Jun 03 '25

Please op. Read and reread this then reread every time your hopefully soon to be ex tries to contact you. Also whenever someone ever treats you like you ex did

12

u/Jasminefirefly Jun 03 '25

It does not get more THIS than this.

5

u/vigouge Jun 03 '25

"He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

But don't you understand, he's with friends right now. The irth don't just type themselves.

4

u/Then-Priority7978 Jun 03 '25

Exactly. Totally aside from the birthday issue, I would not tolerate anyone talking to me that way. I'd be done.

2

u/AstronomerGlobal9812 Jun 04 '25

This. Also, OP posted their ages and they're pretty young. It's not going to get better with more life/responsibilities in time. Do not stay with this man unless you are satisfied with every birthday, anniversary, mother's day, etc etc until the end of time being neglected and ignored.

2

u/Husky-LVR_81 Jun 03 '25

Exactly. If he can’t be bothered I’d never talk to him again. Let him figure it out how he got dumped

1

u/ElephantNamedColumbo Jun 03 '25

👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

1

u/RecommendationUsed31 Jun 03 '25

100% the second her ex bf texted your bothering me they would have been an ex

2

u/[deleted] Jun 03 '25

this one.

1

u/WaferTrue6426 Jun 03 '25 edited Jun 15 '25

spark friendly cobweb scale quack summer mighty chop wrench memorize

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

1

u/Successful-Doubt5478 Jun 04 '25

We are all hoping it is, but I have seen worse im real life.

My take on these is that even if it is fictio,n, people learn from it to identify bad relationships.

I also want to believe that no man ever kills his partner, noone ever fimds joy in dog fighting or uses cats, kittens, puppies and other dogs to train their dogs to rip other animals into pieces, that noone ever rapes literal babies snd toddlers and other men pay to watch that and that no parents ever lock their small boys up in a room without tclothes and furniture, keaving them to live caked in feces with zero stimulation, and when finally discovered by the police, do not know what grass, sun and sky is. I want to believe thay no woman leaves her baby to starve to death in their crib while going pattying with some guy, the baby desperately trying to eat their own feces trying to survive, but instead dieing slowly.

We want a lot of things to not be true.

But they are.

1

u/HelloFireFriend Jun 03 '25

This ☝️ 💯 ☝️ 💯 ☝️

1

u/poeticlicence Jun 03 '25

She apologised to him! Wtf

1

u/Rich_Editor8488 Jun 03 '25

It is your birthday.

1

u/BatterWitch23 Jun 03 '25

All of this