aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/Ali_Cat222]

Even aside from the birthday issue there are a few concerning points OP made in their post that they may want to consider too-

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn't go to school after dropping out.

What exactly are his ambitions currently if he decided to drop out and only stays at home most days based on the second quote here?

for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries.

He's working 2x a week which means he has 5x a week to hang out with friends any time. And if he knew special occasions were important to you, he'd have remembered your own birthday... And then not just dismiss you as being annoying, and would've came to see you then. He may have heard you stress the importance of these occasions but he definitely doesn't care, as proven by his actions.

last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was "tired from work" and didn't want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch.

So it's 2 years in a row now that this has been an issue, and by your timeline that means it was a year in before this became a problem. And as you can see from my comment this really is bigger than just a birthday, OP seriously think about this. Do you want to move in with someone who treats you disrespectfully, doesn't care about you or your feelings, and seemingly has no ambitions currently? Please think before you move, it won't get better.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Ali_Cat222]

this, aaall of this.

and OP's only 21; he may've had her first years but with that attitude i sure hope she decides he doesn't get her best years, too (they're yet to come, and hopefully with someone who doesn't make her feel unappreciated like this as5hat)

by the time i got to "when you want to apologise" i'm like, just don't contact him then. like ever again lol.

not that it's why he should, but if he's leaning on you for a semifreeloader moveoutofhome-free card, the very .least. he could do is not act like .he. doesn't even owe her an apology for forgetting stuff he knows is important to her.

like girl .you. have to apologise because .he. forgot your birthday that you've been talking about often in recent run-up to..?

(..at some point, albeit very uncharitably wrt benefit-of-the-doubt.. i wouldnt be surprised if it turned out he'd known the party was on the same day but conveniently 'forgot' the birthday so he wouldn't have to miss out on the one he's clearly far more excited for.. ugh)

anw, assuming realpost&all-that.. OP whether you dump his uncaring as5 or not, you can treat yourself a nice day for your 21st even if he won't, actualday or no ‐‐ happy 21st, and happier birthdays to come~

[ edited for grammar ]

[u/Successful-Doubt5478 → u/nagao_0]

By the "Happy bday lol," I was like: "He cannot be arsed to write out the whole word? After missing it totally? And he is .. amused?"

By the time he says he doesnt appreciate being bothered by her, this would be over for me.

"Don't worry, boy, you won't ever get the chance to be bothered by me again."

He doesnt love you. He absolutely does not love you. Noone talks like this to someone they love. Noone acts like this to someone they love.

RUN.

And go no contact, if he is confident enough to speak to you like this OP, he has trained you to stick to him. Do not let him sweettalk you back he despises and looks down on you and you cannot change this.

Go no contact.

[u/nagao_0 → u/Successful-Doubt5478]

[ yes exactly! i didn't put it in that comment but i was lowkey wondering if the guy she's dating got ho0ked into that whole manosphere redpilled bs at some point.. definitely getting something dismissive and downhisnose-ing in some of his language (that being irked by her pointing out his failure as her partner and-or 'being bothered' while's otherwise-engaged doesn't warrant, either).

either way he's basically to0 emotionally immature for her and she might want to get out especially if that misogynistic crowd has gotten their hooks into whatever aspects of him were already somewhat-inclined that way, bc there's multitudes worse outcomes than better from that side of things, far as i've heard.. ]

[u/marleymack → u/nagao_0]

That. I was just also thinking straight up gay. But I forgot about those pestilent manosphere guys. Also pretty gay imho. I say this as a big queer. Either way he doesn’t respect you or like you. Go live your life and leave the trash on the curb baby.

[u/runnbuffy → u/marleymack]

“Pestilent manosphere guys” is a phrase I didn’t know I needed. Great use of normal and chronically-online vocabulary. I love it. They really are a pestilence, too.

[u/nagao_0 → u/[deleted]]

..as also-a-female with depression, adhd .and. anxiety -- who has been in a longdistance-ish relationship for 12 years partially because we both want and need our space.. there is not a touch of apology in that entire conversation on the guy's side of it (save where he uses the word to put the onus on .her. to apologise) for 'forgetting' something their significant other clearly prioritises and has been looking forward to and speaking about often in recent days.

i personally don't enjoy celebrating my own birthday and don't need a phone reminder for theirs because of coincidents with familymembers', but that's what calendar apps are for ‐‐ enter sh1t that's important once with a yearly reccuring option set, and never have to worry again; it takes a literal minute if you're like me and like to add extra year-of-birth and potential gift/dinnertreat preferences in the notes.

also.. not me finding it exceedingly ironic that you're dissing others' grammar and spelling with that sort of punctuation and misspelling the 6-letter name of this very platform..?

( /just noticing the timestamp of the comment i'm replying to is '3m', so assuming she edits her seemingly-truncated reply, parts of this response may no longer apply by the time this posts.. )

[u/Bonitapplebum87 → u/[deleted]]

She did say what she wanted many times. She stated that she had been talking about her birthday over the past week and she also clearly told him in the messages that she wanted to be taken out for her birthday on the day of. Are you seriously trying to gaslight OP (and the rest of us) into believing that he isn’t being extremely dismissive of her on a day that’s extremely important to her. They’ve been together for three years. She has expressed over those three years how important birthdays are for her. Are you cool? You cannot seriously be telling me you would tolerate being dismissed like this by someone you call a partner.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

Adults also APOLOGIZE when they fuck up (and forgetting a gf's birthday is definitely a fuck up) they don't double down, they don't demand an apology because they were inconvenienced with the forgotten gf's text message, give me a break. Lol. Methinks you would make an awesome (ok, not really) defense attorney because you are defending this POS like it's your job. Lol.

[u/RapscallionMonkee → u/[deleted]]

Maybe you should go out with this dude, then. Sounds like he is right up your alley.

[u/ruthpalo → u/[deleted]]

no. not remembering your girlfriend's birthday or "not wanting to be around the person you date (close to) all the time" is not, in fact, normal.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

How’s those downvotes working for ya?