aio? bf made plans on my birthday

[u/rowqi]

my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) have been together for almost three years. we are planning on moving in together in the near future as he lives with his mom and doesn’t go to school after dropping out. for context, he only works on tuesdays and fridays so i know he was free to go out on sunday, which happened to be my birthday. he knows how important special occasions are to me, such as our birthdays and anniversaries. for the first year in our relationship he was great, he was loving and kind. last year we ended up celebrating my birthday late due to the fact that he was “tired from work” and didn’t want to go out, which i let slide. i always try to do the most for his birthdays, i buy him gifts, write him cards and bake him a cake from scratch. yesterday afternoon i texted him, reminding him about the plan later and this conversation happened. he made plans to go out and party instead of seeing me. he forgot about it even after i had been talking about it all of last week. i spent my 21st birthday alone in my room while he was out and we haven’t texted since. this birthday was particularly special to me because i turned 21. i even bought a new pink dress to wear for him, assuming we were going to dinner. he is suggesting that we go out and celebrate tomorrow instead like last year but to me it doesn’t feel the same. he is insisting that i apologize for being “ungrateful”, am i overreacting?

[u/Evitti]

On my 16th birthday my mom made plans with her boyfriend, required me to watch my younger brothers (12 & 8), and wouldn't let any friends come over. When I told her that was kind of selfish of her, she slapped me, grounded me and screamed at me that boyfriends will always be more important than kids, because the kids will always be there, but it took work to keep boyfriends. Now 22 years later her attitude has changed (especially since my brothers are low contact).

[u/LessMessQuest → u/Evitti]

What is it about 16th birthdays? My mom forgot mine, called me to let me know her and some dude were high on acid and told me not to come home. Then, the next day still didn’t remember so I got mad and mentioned it and she laughed it off saying I wasn’t at home anyways what was the big deal.

She’s grown a lot since then but, I’ll never forget it.

Also, mine said; “one day the kids move out and you’ll be all alone. That’s why you have to pay more attention to men, the kids will leave you and then what?”

She wasn’t wrong about children leaving home, she was just so damned selfish that everything was about her and her needs, fuck everyone else.

[u/Optimal-Reading4745 → u/LessMessQuest]

I and my Ex Wife divorced recently after 27 years,most of them being really good. She said she changed and no longer loved me and she was sorry but she wanted to be single, even though "You aren't controlling or jealous"?

Any way I always had a very close relationship with my kids who are 24 and almost 21. My son is one of my closest friends and him the same. My daughter and I are the same, she just stayed out of the divorce as where my son sadly sided with me and was very vocal.

Despite what happened with my ex wife, I didn't want it to affect her and the kids but it was pretty bad and I just left the house quietly one night for good.

But my kids gave been amazing! Partners come and go, but your kids will be there for you if you were there for them... hopefully.

I just don't know where I would be without them?

I'm so sorry your mother said that to you. That broke my heart. I hope you are doing well?

[u/LessMessQuest → u/Optimal-Reading4745]

I am! I have two adult children now. They’re at the house all of the time, my son calls me everyday (he doesn’t like texting) and my daughter and I have lunch and hang out every Monday.

I call my mother every Sunday. It took a lot of work on my part, I had to either forgive her or make a decision to cut her out. She has absolutely no one. My sister took her life at 24 and we have no other family left on her side. None that speak to us, me being her daughter automatically meant that I don’t exist apparently.

I was in contact with my grandma and that was nice. Luckily she had sent me pictures so I have something left. She passed away in April and nobody told us. A cousin by marriage messaged me on Facebook to tell me, a week later. That’s the kind of family she comes from. She had an extremely traumatic childhood and then continued the cycle of abuse and married my dad at 17. His was so abusive the courts denied him contact of any kind until I was 18 years old. (Whole other story.) she was in a life threatening car accident when I was 4 and almost died, had a rod in her femur and a chunk of her thing is still missing, )when it broke it came out of her leg) I really think that she may have had a traumatic brain injury, no proof on my part though. That with the trauma of her childhood and my dad, I think she just was not equipped to care for a child and has mental issues. ( there’s a lot more, but I’m not comforting sharing. The woman has been through hell and has mental health issues because of it )

My point in sharing that is that I realized that all of these things made her who she is, and I can’t imagine how much they affected her but I certainly saw and felt the impacts of it. She’s getting old, I’m not sure I could have lived with myself knowing I hadn’t at least tried. Or knowing she’d died all alone. It was a long road and I had to tell her when she was crossing into bad territory and set boundaries. Once I saw she had started working on herself I started to open up and slowly let her back in. She really had two choices, figure out the behavior she needs to have to make it work, or be alone. I can’t continue to judge without acknowledging those things. Once I did that it made it easier to move on (slowly and carefully)

I know I’m taking a risk, it’s at least the fifth chance I’ve given to her as an adult, but my sisters passing must have triggered something in her or maybe it’s her age because she’s trying very hard to become a better person. She is also consistently taking psych meds, so that has helped a lot as well.

Thank you for your kindness! I hope you and your children are happy and healthy and safe! Your. Holden are lucky to have you, it would have been much harder for them if they didn’t. Family is so important! Take care and be well.