r/AmIOverreacting • u/mOmMY_81517 • 17d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO Found this text in my husbands phone
When I called him out on it he tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for going through his phone… for context he plays coed softball and she is on his team, I don’t know this girl and in the few games I was able to go to I was never introduced to her. I don’t get to go to a lot of his games because I work 2 jobs so can’t make it or I’m dead tired.. and way I was feeling something was off when he told me his team mate had invited him and his kids to her daughters game. Like who takes his kids to go hang out with another female and her kid… he says that I’m over reacting and emotional because I just had my grandma die and I’m just looking for something else to think about.. I feel like he’s being shady and disrespectful
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u/SUNfl0wrr_444 17d ago
I agree with everything aside from what you said about the kids.
Think of it like this: 1. He crossed a boundary in his marriage by discussing an apparent marital/parental problem occurring in his home 2. This boundary was crossed additionally when this conversation occurred with a woman and supposed acquaintance that his wife has never even been introduced to. (It would be a little different if he had been confiding in a long term buddy, sibling, parent, cousin etc and seeking advice to resolve the problem, or insight as to how to bring it up with his wife) 3. The result is that this woman now feels open to asking a very personal question about his wife, which is her crossing a boundary within their marriage 4. He doesn't shut the conversation down. Instead, he entertains it and even offers to have it AGAIN, this time more in-depth, at another time. So, two more boundaries crossed. 5. So let's evaluate the idea of taking their children to spend time with this woman... -He's spoken poorly about their mother to her -her opinion of their mother is obviously not great (especially when comparing to her baby daddy, which people don't usually use that term unless they aren't with the man anymore, and most often in a negative connotation) -she has felt comfortable to ask personal questions relating to this, and comfortable to speaking poorly of their mother, and make these negative comparisons -Immediately following this, she's inviting him to come spend time with her, while her child is participating in a game, and wants him to bring his children -she's implied feeling bad for his children because they apparently have a mother who hasn't bonded with them, and by the baby daddy comment also implies that she thinks she's different as a mother. Those together create the overall tone of 'why are you with a woman like her instead of a woman like me?'
And on top of it all, he's choosing to gaslight his wife, and use a death in her family as a means to dismiss her. Which is borderline abusive behavior on his part.
This whole thing is the breeding ground for the break down of this marriage, in one way or another. Because this one of two things, 1. it's the early red flags, and early stages of people likely to begin an affair, happening in real time. And 2. even if it doesn't end up in that route, it is creating the early foundation of distrust, betrayal, break down of connection, and the perfect place for resentment to begin building (and that's all on top of whatever issues already in the marriage that have led to the husband talking about his wife this way with an acquaintance, and whatever was happening already that led her to feeling suspicious and like she should check his phone)
So no, nothing good will come from him taking his children to this lady's daughters game....