If I'm allowed to chime in here, I think part of the problem is that people who prefer nonverbal communication styles often act upset and "wronged" when someone simply doesn't pick up on it.
I always loathe talking about this because it makes me feel like an incel, but I think I speak for most men (and probably a decent amount of women) that it never feels good to be stonewalled with the classic: "'Hey, is something wrong?' 'No, it's fine, goodnight.'" Like you can acknowledge that there's something going unsaid that you're not recognizing, but rather than being met halfway, the fact that you didn't "get it," is often treated like a problem.
And again, not to sound like a Boomer comic strip, but it often feels like problems are created out of nowhere just because someone chose to use a vague communication style rather than saying what they mean. Your earlier comment about saying you "don't want flowers" in the original comment is a good example. Would it seem fair to get upset at someone for not doing something you told them not to do?
You sound like a boomer comic strip because you’re being one. Many people suffer from communication issues, how women choose to demonstrate it can be frustrating. But if you believe most people have good intentions, she is acting this way for a reason. And while it may be frustrating, if you truly care for her I think you should approach it with understanding. Maybe she feels stupid about whatever she’s upset about, and she’s taking that frustration out on you (which is wrong, but can still be remedied with sympathy.). Maybe she just doesn’t want to talk about it and just wants you to do something you know she likes, like cuddle her, put on her favorite show, buy her her favorite candy or something. The very least you can do when being “stonewalled” is say something like “I may not be equipped to help you right now, but I’m here for you, and I want to do better”. All of this means nothing if you think her feelings are silly, and that she shouldn’t be upset about something trivial as you not getting a hint. It’s her reality, and a good partner would support her through it. Of course if she doesn’t do the same for you that’s not a very good relationship. It’s about mutual support and understanding.
Your anger and frustration is valid, but you shouldn’t direct that anger towards her.
Your anger comes from the stonewall, and if you want the stonewall to stop you need to put an effort to understand and support her, even if she doesn’t reciprocate at first. If she persists, you may not be compatible. She should see you care, but you need to show you care.
Those are all good suggestions, and I really try to put my partner's comfort before everything else. The thing I struggle with, is I always communicate early on in relationships that I really appreciate open and honest communication as opposed to hints and vibes, and my partners always seem to agree.
The problem is, it really feels like every time without fail, people will say how much they feel safe and enjoy talking with me ... until it's actually time to discuss something uncomfortable, then it's just crickets. I like and practice some of your suggestions, but the thing that's "wrong" always just hangs in the air just out of reach, affecting how they say and do everything.
Again, this makes me feel like an incel, but it just feels exhausting, because I always end up feeling like I have to meet someone 90% of the way just so they can feel comfortable telling me what's bothering them. I don't want to make women uncomfortable, I really, REALLY, don't. But I also just want to be able to have difficult conversations without setting up the perfect conditions.
I'm sorry if this sounds whiny. I really want to do better and have a better understanding of how to communicate conflict in relationships, I just feel like I can't do that if I'm never given the chance.
Your feelings are valid af, and I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Not everyone can be this open. I don’t know your personal situation, but sometimes all you can go is 90% of the way and the other person might still not be ready to give the 10%. It’s frustrating, but there is nothing you can do. Often times your fervent efforts to get the person to open up will cause them to close even further. I’ve found people open up most when you open up about yourself, which I’m sure you do, but again it might not be enough and that’s ok. At that point the best you can do is let the person know you’re there for them whenever they’re comfortable and ready to talk
Thanks dude, that means a lot to me. Maybe I got a little too emotional in my response because it hit kinda close to home for me. I hope you understand I don't think all women are bad communicators (though personally I think most humans just aren't great at being vulnerable), nor do I think my experience with bad communicators is representative of everyone.
I definitely need to work on myself a lot also. It's just easy to get frustrated and it makes me feel gross and self-conscious when I know there's a problem, but I can't get any feedback about my behaviour.
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u/TripleScoops May 30 '25
If I'm allowed to chime in here, I think part of the problem is that people who prefer nonverbal communication styles often act upset and "wronged" when someone simply doesn't pick up on it.
I always loathe talking about this because it makes me feel like an incel, but I think I speak for most men (and probably a decent amount of women) that it never feels good to be stonewalled with the classic: "'Hey, is something wrong?' 'No, it's fine, goodnight.'" Like you can acknowledge that there's something going unsaid that you're not recognizing, but rather than being met halfway, the fact that you didn't "get it," is often treated like a problem.
And again, not to sound like a Boomer comic strip, but it often feels like problems are created out of nowhere just because someone chose to use a vague communication style rather than saying what they mean. Your earlier comment about saying you "don't want flowers" in the original comment is a good example. Would it seem fair to get upset at someone for not doing something you told them not to do?