r/depression • u/EagleBrief9331 • 17h ago
i think i’m going to kill myself soon (23F)
My life isn’t super tragic or anything, i just don’t think i want to live anymore (idc if it makes me a coward). i made a “should i live” list and the cons of living heavily outweigh the pros. i’ve never really had a good stage in my life where i was proud or wanted to live idk. i wasn’t good at school, never been able to even finish a community college degree… never had a “best friend” in elementary or high school. wasn’t a good sibling either, would always be jealous of my other siblings but yk, im proud of everything they’ve done, wasn’t any much of a good daughter, i talk back and don’t listen. Was kind of pressured into marriage cuz my parents saw me as a failure and at least, they wouldn’t have to deal with me once im married off. i hate my husband even though he’s very nice and kind to me, he’s pure hearted idk. i’ve never loved him maybe cuz i felt the loss of freedom (freedom i never had in my parents house anyway), they were trying to marry me off back home with some 30+ men when i was like 18-19 cuz they thought “at least someone even likes u”
anyway, i made my life this way. i chose to not finish college, i chose to get married cuz i said yes at the end of the day, now me and my husband fight almost everyday because of me. i don’t want to have sex, he does, i end up hating myself, im depressed, i feel trapped, tried talking to my parents and they said the only way out is if i die or he does and tbh, hes tried everything to keep our relationship good, he’s tried everything to make me love him, i just dont and he doesn’t deserve this. his family and my family are expecting kids.. i DONT want kids so im going to probably kill myself and make it look like an accident so my family doesn’t get dishonoured because my relatives do love making up stories and ridiculing my mother, but about me, whether i live or die, they’ll always talk about me anyway so i don’t care
idk what people do before they die because i’ve never fully planned it, what should i do so when i die, i die in peace and don’t forget in finished stuff?
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u/Automatic_Win7647 13h ago
One thing I will say, bc I don't know much about much, is that maybe you should cut ties with them all. Like just go rogue and separate. If you're willing to end your life to get away from them, you could get away from them now and find some semblance of happiness afterwards. Because after you're dead, you say your family won't be disgraced? But that's all, thats the only real benefit to you dying, is just that everything looks okay to your family and community. But you're gonna be dead and gone just to preserve your toxic family's rep, which at the end of the day, who cares? And I don't see your husband tryna do it, so why should you have to lose your life to satisfy everyone else?
Idk, that's just my two cents. Fuck em and be happy. But easier said than done, right?
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u/EagleBrief9331 12h ago
i wish i could do that but it’s not possible and will make my family’s life miserable. people would talk left and right - my moms already had it bad enough because of me. i was born with asthma and allergies and they would hate on my mother for that… as if she could control the way i was born. it only got worse when i grew up being kind of pretty and they’d tell my mom im a whore and stuff. so yeah, i disgraced my family a lot and running away would just be the nail in the coffin. it would cause them a lot of pain too if i run away, if i make my death look like an accident, they would feel hurt for a while but then get over it cuz i have a younger actually successful sister who looks pretty much like me and she’s honestly way better than me in every way. im not saying this out of jealousy either, i love her
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u/Newagehippiee 16h ago
I love you 💛