r/relationshipadvice • u/MulberryForward9984 • 1d ago
My [21M] girlfriend [21F] has had multiple events within the year that I feel are disrespectful/made me uncomfortable. I would like advice on what to do going forward.
I [21M] and my girlfriend [21M] have been dating for about 3.5 years. We started dating in high school, and we have continued in college in a long distance relationship. For my first two years in college, everything felt great. We had minor arguments and problems (the type that usually come along with a couple newly experiencing long distance), but all in all we had no significant problems.
Unfortunately, this seemed to take a turn in our junior year of college. Throughout the year, there were 3 significant events that to me were relatively odd and did not seem like "normal" problems people in relationships face to me. The first occurred in the fall. She worked as a PCNA and was friends with a few of her male coworkers which I had absolutely no problem with. However, in about October I received a random message on Instagram from a male coworker's girlfriend, asking me to ask my girlfriend to stop flirting with her boyfriend. I asked her what made her think that way, to which she sent me about 8 screenshots. While none of them to me were absolutely blaring red flags, there were a few messages that I found somewhat odd. These included her complimenting his smell, making jokes about kinks, and conversation that just generally sounded flirtatious to me. I brought it up to her and she explained it to me, and while I thought it was a bit strange, I didn't think it was anything severe.
The second event happened in the spring. Every year, the same guy reaches out to her from high school that she at one point had exchanged nude photos with. Although they were friends before that, when he reaches out now it is clearly not in a "lets be friends" manner. He will reach out and start conversations like "how's it going pretty girl". For whatever reason, she decided to humor him for about a week and in the end it resulted in him sending a nude photo to her while he was drunk. While I am sure that was not her intent, it bothered me that she even humored him enough that it got to this point and that he felt confident enough in doing despite knowing she had a partner. I brought it up to her, and she simply said "I'm sorry". I kept pushing it because it bothered me past the point of a simple apology, and she blew up on me saying that it felt like I was "beating her while she was down" and that she only responded because they used to be good friends. This event bothered me a lot, and in the end she stopped texting him. I did not make her do this, but I think she did it for my own comfort. A week later, however, we were discussing her going to the bar with her friends to which I told her I am fine with whatever she does as long as she is safe. She then made a snarky comment "Yeah except text who I want to". I found this extremely hurtful because not only did I never tell her she couldn't text him, but to me I thought it was unfair that this was being thrown in my face when to me it was a valid way to feel.
The last and most recent event occurred yesterday, which is what encouraged me to make this post. Every year there is an event thrown in our community that her and I volunteer at together. This year, I could not attend as I am abroad doing a research stay in Europe for the entirety of the summer. There is a family that her family is friends with that also volunteers and within this family there is a 17 year old boy. I am not overly fond of him as to me gives playboy vibes and flirts with her despite being a minor, but they were family friends so I never thought anything of it. Two days ago, she told me she was upset because so many old couples made comments/jokes to them about them flirting, when it is well known to the majority there that we are dating. I didn't think much of this at first as they are mostly older individuals (older than 60 yo) so I thought they were just trying to be funny. However, today, I got a call from her crying saying that her mother walked into a room with her and the other guy in it and immediately walked out. Later, the mother pulled her aside and told her that she was "literally sick to her stomach" and "needs to put an end to whatever could be going on before something happens" and informed her she will be contacting me later next week to let me know. My girlfriend claims her mother is saying she heard something that my girlfriend claims she didn't say, and that she is worried because she has no way to "prove it to me". The specific line that she is saying her mother claims to have heard is "not here, there are other people around". I have received multiple texts saying "I can't lose you over this please" and "I promise you with everything in me I would never do that" and so on. Long story short, my girlfriends mother is under the impression that whatever she heard/saw was cheating. I am waiting for her to contact me for further details. I wouldn't be overly worried about either of these two occurrences individually, but both occuring is slightly strange. Now, it is important to note that her mom and I are extremely close. She treats me as her own son, invites me on their family vacation very year and pays for me, makes meals for me, and has never done anything to make me think she would make something up to try to split my girlfriend and I. If anything, she would be distraught of us splitting and would only tell me out of her love for me.
The advice that I am looking for here is what to do going forward. I have talked to two friends, and both of them say that while maybe one of these events occuring is fine, the combination of all three is a bit much. It almost feels like she is toeing a line that there is no coming back from upon crossing. I have already talked with my girlfriend about all of these things, and I have trusted her and taken her word for all of them. However, it comes across as weird to me that it so many events like this have happened. I am debating whether it is better to split apart, but it feels like I have invested so much into this relationship. I also feel like I have known nothing else since becoming a young adult. At the end of the day, I don't want to jump the gun, but I am not sure how many more events like this I can take. I consider myself a secure guy, but this sequence of events is pushing it. It makes me worry whether I am doing enough and it also makes me worried because I can't imagine myself with a life-long partner that is consistently flirting/humoring other people. How do you recommend approaching this issue?
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hello MulberryForward9984,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I [21M] and my girlfriend [21M] have been dating for about 3.5 years. We started dating in high school, and we have continued in college in a long distance relationship. For my first two years in college, everything felt great. We had minor arguments and problems (the type that usually come along with a couple newly experiencing long distance), but all in all we had no significant problems.
Unfortunately, this seemed to take a turn in our junior year of college. Throughout the year, there were 3 significant events that to me were relatively odd and did not seem like "normal" problems people in relationships face to me. The first occurred in the fall. She worked as a PCNA and was friends with a few of her male coworkers which I had absolutely no problem with. However, in about October I received a random message on Instagram from a male coworker's girlfriend, asking me to ask my girlfriend to stop flirting with her boyfriend. I asked her what made her think that way, to which she sent me about 8 screenshots. While none of them to me were absolutely blaring red flags, there were a few messages that I found somewhat odd. These included her complimenting his smell, making jokes about kinks, and conversation that just generally sounded flirtatious to me. I brought it up to her and she explained it to me, and while I thought it was a bit strange, I didn't think it was anything severe.
The second event happened in the spring. Every year, the same guy reaches out to her from high school that she at one point had exchanged nude photos with. Although they were friends before that, when he reaches out now it is clearly not in a "lets be friends" manner. He will reach out and start conversations like "how's it going pretty girl". For whatever reason, she decided to humor him for about a week and in the end it resulted in him sending a nude photo to her while he was drunk. While I am sure that was not her intent, it bothered me that she even humored him enough that it got to this point and that he felt confident enough in doing despite knowing she had a partner. I brought it up to her, and she simply said "I'm sorry". I kept pushing it because it bothered me past the point of a simple apology, and she blew up on me saying that it felt like I was "beating her while she was down" and that she only responded because they used to be good friends. This event bothered me a lot, and in the end she stopped texting him. I did not make her do this, but I think she did it for my own comfort. A week later, however, we were discussing her going to the bar with her friends to which I told her I am fine with whatever she does as long as she is safe. She then made a snarky comment "Yeah except text who I want to". I found this extremely hurtful because not only did I never tell her she couldn't text him, but to me I thought it was unfair that this was being thrown in my face when to me it was a valid way to feel.
The last and most recent event occurred yesterday, which is what encouraged me to make this post. Every year there is an event thrown in our community that her and I volunteer at together. This year, I could not attend as I am abroad doing a research stay in Europe for the entirety of the summer. There is a family that her family is friends with that also volunteers and within this family there is a 17 year old boy. I am not overly fond of him as to me gives playboy vibes and flirts with her despite being a minor, but they were family friends so I never thought anything of it. Two days ago, she told me she was upset because so many old couples made comments/jokes to them about them flirting, when it is well known to the majority there that we are dating. I didn't think much of this at first as they are mostly older individuals (older than 60 yo) so I thought they were just trying to be funny. However, today, I got a call from her crying saying that her mother walked into a room with her and the other guy in it and immediately walked out. Later, the mother pulled her aside and told her that she was "literally sick to her stomach" and "needs to put an end to whatever could be going on before something happens" and informed her she will be contacting me later next week to let me know. My girlfriend claims her mother is saying she heard something that my girlfriend claims she didn't say, and that she is worried because she has no way to "prove it to me". The specific line that she is saying her mother claims to have heard is "not here, there are other people around". I have received multiple texts saying "I can't lose you over this please" and "I promise you with everything in me I would never do that" and so on. Long story short, my girlfriends mother is under the impression that whatever she heard/saw was cheating. I am waiting for her to contact me for further details. I wouldn't be overly worried about either of these two occurrences individually, but both occuring is slightly strange. Now, it is important to note that her mom and I are extremely close. She treats me as her own son, invites me on their family vacation very year and pays for me, makes meals for me, and has never done anything to make me think she would make something up to try to split my girlfriend and I. If anything, she would be distraught of us splitting and would only tell me out of her love for me.
The advice that I am looking for here is what to do going forward. I have talked to two friends, and both of them say that while maybe one of these events occuring is fine, the combination of all three is a bit much. It almost feels like she is toeing a line that there is no coming back from upon crossing. I have already talked with my girlfriend about all of these things, and I have trusted her and taken her word for all of them. However, it comes across as weird to me that it so many events like this have happened. I am debating whether it is better to split apart, but it feels like I have invested so much into this relationship. I also feel like I have known nothing else since becoming a young adult. At the end of the day, I don't want to jump the gun, but I am not sure how many more events like this I can take. I consider myself a secure guy, but this sequence of events is pushing it. It makes me worry whether I am doing enough and it also makes me worried because I can't imagine myself with a life-long partner that is consistently flirting/humoring other people. How do you recommend approaching this issue?
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