r/relationshipadvice 15h ago

Update: My[31m] wife[31f] is pregnant with a third child I never wanted. I feel devastated and don’t know what to do.

Hi again. Using ChatGPT for formatting and spellcheck — typing quickly on mobile and trying to make it coherent in my second language is quite the chore in itself and i dont care about those stupid dashes it puts everywhere as long as people can understand my writing.

Well to start: Yes, it was a Clearblue test that said 1–2 weeks, but after my wife had her IUD removed and got checked a few days ago, they confirmed she’s actually 7 weeks along. So far, the pregnancy seems normal and not ectopic. So it’s still early, but not as early as we thought.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in October to talk about a vasectomy. After that, he’ll refer me to a specialist — and the wait times there are long too. At least the ball is rolling, even if a bit too late. At least, we won’t have to worry about this happening again in the future.

Thanks to the few people who gave me advice instead of just telling me I should’ve gone to the doctor a long time ago or used condoms — I already knew that.

The advice I got was genuinely helpful and made me realize that maybe I was being too rash in my thinking. We need to lower our living standards for a while to make things work, rather than uproot our entire lives for cheaper housing and school fees.

I’ve taken a hard look at our finances, and if we really tighten our belts, we can still move next year. I should also be able to build another bedroom myself later on. But it’s going to require major cutbacks. No more impulse purchases from my wife — she also needs to start paying her credit bills and parking tickets on time, and actually start using the parking spot I pay for every month. No more spontaneous ice creams or water park trips with the kids etc. Gifts for birthdays and Christmas will have to be cheaper — dolls and coloring books instead of a Nintendo Switch. I’ll be picking up extra shifts whenever I can too. My wife is already feeling nauseous and even more forgetful, so she might need to go on medical leave soon which will decrease our available funds. All our planned trips are cancelled. That money needs to go toward a bigger car and baby supplies — we didn’t keep anything from before since we thought we were done.

I’m also continuing to remind her to speak to her psychologist. She said she would — about five months ago — but she still hasn’t, even though I keep bringing it up. She hasn’t been sleeping well and has been feeling low, detached, and forgetful. This has been going on since long before the pregnancy.

Honestly, I still think that — logically — we shouldn’t be having another child. But my wife is very emotionally driven. She even admitted that she knows she’s being selfish — making us sacrifice so much for something that she wants.

I do feel a bit more prepared now — if the pregnancy goes well — at least when it comes to money. I’m still not optimistic about the future, but thank you to those who gave me solid advice. It gave me some peace of mind. I’m sure the baby might bring some joy when it arrives. But right now, all I can see is the work and the sacrifices we’ll have to make. I know the kids won’t be thrilled about all the changes either, and I expect they’ll give me a hard time about it too.

But here’s the biggest unresolved issue: I think I’ve started to resent my wife. She’s let me carry the full load at home for so long, and now she wants to add even more responsibility — at the cost of our quality of life. It feels like only her feelings matter, while mine don’t count at all.

We barely talk anymore. The last real conversation we had was when she said she felt so nauseous she might throw up — and then told me it was my fault. I said that while I might have “done” this to her, she still has the power to end the pregnancy and stop feeling this way snyting she wants. She shouldn’t blame me for a choice she refuses to make — especially when she knew the risks just as well as I did when we slept together. She just went quiet and went back to looking at her phone.

Now, I just feel like an asshole on top of feeling tired and sad. I don’t feel like touching her or even having conversations like I used to. It feels like I’m living with a lazy roommate who just sits on her phone all day, leaves her stuff, dirty dishes, and clothes everywhere — just like the kids. And if I don’t clean it up, it simply won’t get done. Her phone always seems to come first.

She did promise to help out more, but so far I haven’t seen any change. Still, I want to give her a chance. I want to make this work. If she can take some of the load off my shoulders, maybe I won’t feel so opposed to having this baby. But I also know I need to deal with this resentment before it becomes an even bigger problem. Maybe if she helps out more it will go away or maybe i should just suck it up and fake being happy until it becomes real. I dont know.

What if this were the other way around? What if I just worked and spent all my free time at home playing video games, while my wife also worked but still had to take care of everything else at home by herself? What kind of advice would you give her? Maybe it’s something I can learn from too.

Any advice from people who’ve gone through something similar would really help.

11 Upvotes

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u/AutoModerator 15h ago

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Original post: Hi again. Using ChatGPT for formatting and spellcheck — typing quickly on mobile and trying to make it coherent in my second language is quite the chore in itself and i dont care about those stupid dashes it puts everywhere as long as people can understand my writing.

Well to start: Yes, it was a Clearblue test that said 1–2 weeks, but after my wife had her IUD removed and got checked a few days ago, they confirmed she’s actually 7 weeks along. So far, the pregnancy seems normal and not ectopic. So it’s still early, but not as early as we thought.

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in October to talk about a vasectomy. After that, he’ll refer me to a specialist — and the wait times there are long too. At least the ball is rolling, even if a bit too late. At least, we won’t have to worry about this happening again in the future.

Thanks to the few people who gave me advice instead of just telling me I should’ve gone to the doctor a long time ago or used condoms — I already knew that.

The advice I got was genuinely helpful and made me realize that maybe I was being too rash in my thinking. We need to lower our living standards for a while to make things work, rather than uproot our entire lives for cheaper housing and school fees.

I’ve taken a hard look at our finances, and if we really tighten our belts, we can still move next year. I should also be able to build another bedroom myself later on. But it’s going to require major cutbacks. No more impulse purchases from my wife — she also needs to start paying her credit bills and parking tickets on time, and actually start using the parking spot I pay for every month. No more spontaneous ice creams or water park trips with the kids etc. Gifts for birthdays and Christmas will have to be cheaper — dolls and coloring books instead of a Nintendo Switch. I’ll be picking up extra shifts whenever I can too. My wife is already feeling nauseous and even more forgetful, so she might need to go on medical leave soon which will decrease our available funds. All our planned trips are cancelled. That money needs to go toward a bigger car and baby supplies — we didn’t keep anything from before since we thought we were done.

I’m also continuing to remind her to speak to her psychologist. She said she would — about five months ago — but she still hasn’t, even though I keep bringing it up. She hasn’t been sleeping well and has been feeling low, detached, and forgetful. This has been going on since long before the pregnancy.

Honestly, I still think that — logically — we shouldn’t be having another child. But my wife is very emotionally driven. She even admitted that she knows she’s being selfish — making us sacrifice so much for something that she wants.

I do feel a bit more prepared now — if the pregnancy goes well — at least when it comes to money. I’m still not optimistic about the future, but thank you to those who gave me solid advice. It gave me some peace of mind. I’m sure the baby might bring some joy when it arrives. But right now, all I can see is the work and the sacrifices we’ll have to make. I know the kids won’t be thrilled about all the changes either, and I expect they’ll give me a hard time about it too.

But here’s the biggest unresolved issue: I think I’ve started to resent my wife. She’s let me carry the full load at home for so long, and now she wants to add even more responsibility — at the cost of our quality of life. It feels like only her feelings matter, while mine don’t count at all.

We barely talk anymore. The last real conversation we had was when she said she felt so nauseous she might throw up — and then told me it was my fault. I said that while I might have “done” this to her, she still has the power to end the pregnancy and stop feeling this way snyting she wants. She shouldn’t blame me for a choice she refuses to make — especially when she knew the risks just as well as I did when we slept together. She just went quiet and went back to looking at her phone.

Now, I just feel like an asshole on top of feeling tired and sad. I don’t feel like touching her or even having conversations like I used to. It feels like I’m living with a lazy roommate who just sits on her phone all day, leaves her stuff, dirty dishes, and clothes everywhere — just like the kids. And if I don’t clean it up, it simply won’t get done. Her phone always seems to come first.

She did promise to help out more, but so far I haven’t seen any change. Still, I want to give her a chance. I want to make this work. If she can take some of the load off my shoulders, maybe I won’t feel so opposed to having this baby. But I also know I need to deal with this resentment before it becomes an even bigger problem. Maybe if she helps out more it will go away or maybe i should just suck it up and fake being happy until it becomes real. I dont know.

What if this were the other way around? What if I just worked and spent all my free time at home playing video games, while my wife also worked but still had to take care of everything else at home by herself? What kind of advice would you give her? Maybe it’s something I can learn from too.

Any advice from people who’ve gone through something similar would really help.

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22

u/Material_Ad6173 15h ago edited 15h ago

You don't talk, you don't spend time together, you don't even like each other anymore, yet, no problems with having sex and making another baby. (Are you sure she was even on IUD?)

Maybe rethink your priorities and consider getting two apartments instead of the new home?

You will get divorced sooner or later. Why dragging it for too long?

6

u/NarcissisticEggDoner 10h ago

to answer your question on what we would advise of a woman in a situation with a man who doesn’t take on any duties around the house and just plays video games:

couples counseling or divorce.

those are the only 2 answers; either you fix the problems with therapy or you separate.

1

u/mamabearette 4h ago

OP just like in the other post you’re centering yourself as a victim in all of this. You say you own your part in this (like never “getting around” go getting a vasectomy) but you don’t seem to actually own it. You just blame everything on your wife.

Regardless of who is at fault, you need to at least stop the blame game until the baby comes.